Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:21,838 --> 00:00:22,838
Let's go!
2
00:00:40,371 --> 00:00:43,105
{\an8}She said,
"$300, I'll do anything you want."
3
00:00:43,105 --> 00:00:44,671
I said, "Bitch, paint my house."
4
00:00:44,671 --> 00:00:46,205
We don't need the death penalty!
5
00:00:46,205 --> 00:00:47,971
We got the tossed salad man!
6
00:00:47,971 --> 00:00:52,305
{\an8}'Cause if a bullet costs $5,000,
there'll be no more innocent bystanders.
7
00:00:52,305 --> 00:00:54,038
{\an8}I ain't scared of Al-Qaeda.
8
00:00:54,038 --> 00:00:55,771
{\an8}I'm scared of Al-Cracker.
9
00:00:55,771 --> 00:00:58,571
You cannot lend money
to people you're fucking.
10
00:00:58,571 --> 00:01:00,971
'Cause they think that sex is a payback.
11
00:01:00,971 --> 00:01:04,705
{\an8}We just got a few bad apples
that like to crash into mountains.
12
00:01:31,438 --> 00:01:33,271
Ladies and gentlemen.
13
00:01:37,138 --> 00:01:39,138
Ladies and gentlemen.
14
00:01:41,271 --> 00:01:43,338
Chris Rock!
15
00:02:10,305 --> 00:02:12,338
What's up, Baltimore?
16
00:02:15,471 --> 00:02:17,238
Yes!
17
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,371
Yes, yes.
18
00:02:18,371 --> 00:02:19,405
Thank you!
19
00:02:20,205 --> 00:02:21,938
Thank you so much!
20
00:02:23,538 --> 00:02:27,971
Thank you so much
to coming to my Netflix special.
21
00:02:28,771 --> 00:02:30,405
Thank you.
22
00:02:31,438 --> 00:02:33,271
That's right. That's right!
23
00:02:33,271 --> 00:02:34,505
Okay.
24
00:02:34,505 --> 00:02:37,605
I'mma try to do a show.
25
00:02:37,605 --> 00:02:39,771
I'mma try... Nigga, sit down!
26
00:02:40,738 --> 00:02:47,138
I'mma try to do a show tonight
without offending nobody, okay?
27
00:02:47,971 --> 00:02:49,571
I'mma try my best.
28
00:02:50,105 --> 00:02:53,171
You know why? 'Cause you never know
who might get triggered.
29
00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:57,338
That's right. You say the wrong thing...
30
00:02:58,305 --> 00:02:59,905
motherfuckers get scared.
31
00:03:01,038 --> 00:03:01,938
You gotta watch out.
32
00:03:01,938 --> 00:03:05,738
You know what people say.
They always say, uh, "words hurt."
33
00:03:06,438 --> 00:03:08,705
That's what they say.
You gotta watch what you say.
34
00:03:08,705 --> 00:03:10,838
'Cause words hurt.
35
00:03:11,505 --> 00:03:14,571
You know anybody that says words hurt
36
00:03:15,305 --> 00:03:17,738
has never been punched in the face.
37
00:03:22,305 --> 00:03:23,638
Okay?
38
00:03:23,638 --> 00:03:27,238
Yeah, words hurt
when you write them on a brick, okay?
39
00:03:28,605 --> 00:03:29,538
You gotta watch out.
40
00:03:29,538 --> 00:03:30,805
Everybody's scared.
41
00:03:31,405 --> 00:03:32,771
Everybody scared.
42
00:03:32,771 --> 00:03:36,371
If you a certain age and you go to work,
you are fucking scared.
43
00:03:36,971 --> 00:03:39,505
In the old days,
if somebody wanted your job,
44
00:03:39,505 --> 00:03:41,505
they just worked harder than you.
45
00:03:42,071 --> 00:03:44,205
Now, somebody wants your job,
46
00:03:44,205 --> 00:03:46,671
they just wait for you
to say some dumb shit.
47
00:03:48,238 --> 00:03:49,471
Yeah.
48
00:03:49,471 --> 00:03:51,971
Try to get you
with one of them woke traps.
49
00:03:52,971 --> 00:03:55,305
Say, "Hey, we going
to a gay wedding tomorrow."
50
00:03:55,305 --> 00:03:57,805
"How do you feel about that?"
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
51
00:03:58,171 --> 00:03:59,471
"It's good. It's good."
52
00:04:00,171 --> 00:04:03,205
Don't fall into the woke trap at all now.
53
00:04:03,205 --> 00:04:05,771
I have no problem with the wokeness.
54
00:04:05,771 --> 00:04:07,705
I have no problem with it at all.
55
00:04:07,705 --> 00:04:09,705
I'm all for social justice.
56
00:04:09,705 --> 00:04:13,871
I'm all for, for marginalized people
getting their rights.
57
00:04:13,871 --> 00:04:19,271
The thing I have a problem with
is the selective outrage.
58
00:04:20,371 --> 00:04:24,471
That's right, selective outrage.
59
00:04:25,271 --> 00:04:27,338
Everybody, you know what
I'm talking about?
60
00:04:27,338 --> 00:04:28,938
One person does something,
61
00:04:28,938 --> 00:04:29,938
they get cancelled.
62
00:04:29,938 --> 00:04:32,271
Somebody else does the exact same thing...
63
00:04:32,971 --> 00:04:33,971
No.
64
00:04:34,905 --> 00:04:36,505
You know what I'm talking about.
65
00:04:36,971 --> 00:04:41,305
You know, like the kind of people
that play Michael Jackson songs,
66
00:04:42,071 --> 00:04:43,638
but won't play R. Kelly.
67
00:04:50,671 --> 00:04:51,938
Same crime.
68
00:04:53,438 --> 00:04:55,771
One of them just got better songs.
69
00:04:58,305 --> 00:05:00,405
That's right.
70
00:05:00,405 --> 00:05:02,938
Well, I'll play "Startin' Somethin',"
it's a party.
71
00:05:03,805 --> 00:05:06,705
I play "Bump n' Grind,"
now you are activists.
72
00:05:08,638 --> 00:05:10,838
So, everybody's scared.
73
00:05:10,838 --> 00:05:13,805
Everybody full of shit, you know?
74
00:05:13,805 --> 00:05:17,605
I'm in my old neighborhood the other day.
I bumped into my, my good friend, Fred.
75
00:05:17,605 --> 00:05:18,938
Hadn't seen him in years.
76
00:05:19,405 --> 00:05:20,671
Hadn't seen him in years.
77
00:05:20,671 --> 00:05:24,305
Fred got a new job at AT&T, okay?
78
00:05:24,838 --> 00:05:27,005
So, I'm like, "Hey, Fred, how's the job?"
79
00:05:27,005 --> 00:05:29,671
And Fred's like, "Oh, I love the job."
80
00:05:30,105 --> 00:05:32,138
"It's a safe space."
81
00:05:32,705 --> 00:05:36,638
"I feel seen, I feel heard."
82
00:05:36,638 --> 00:05:38,438
"There's a lot of diversity."
83
00:05:38,938 --> 00:05:40,471
And I'm looking at him. I'm like...
84
00:05:41,071 --> 00:05:42,271
"Nigga, it's me."
85
00:05:44,905 --> 00:05:47,305
What, you think I'm wearing
a wire or some shit?
86
00:05:48,671 --> 00:05:51,271
What the fuck you talking about,
safe space?
87
00:05:51,738 --> 00:05:54,338
Nigga, you did eight years
for manslaughter.
88
00:05:56,338 --> 00:05:58,105
Nobody's safe around you.
89
00:05:58,971 --> 00:06:01,305
Everybody's full of shit.
90
00:06:01,305 --> 00:06:08,138
Motherfuckers typing out woke ass tweets
on a, on a phone made by child slaves.
91
00:06:09,771 --> 00:06:11,905
You need to cut it out, man.
92
00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:14,438
Not only is everybody full of shit,
93
00:06:14,438 --> 00:06:18,105
not only is everybody full of shit,
every business is full of shit.
94
00:06:18,405 --> 00:06:20,838
Everybody you do business,
95
00:06:21,438 --> 00:06:23,938
they don't even tell you
about the product no more.
96
00:06:23,938 --> 00:06:26,405
They just tell you
how much charity they do.
97
00:06:27,271 --> 00:06:28,738
They say, "We give back."
98
00:06:28,738 --> 00:06:30,671
"We like to give back."
99
00:06:30,671 --> 00:06:32,171
"We don't even like the money."
100
00:06:34,271 --> 00:06:35,805
"We just give back."
101
00:06:35,805 --> 00:06:37,405
I'm in the mall the other day.
102
00:06:37,405 --> 00:06:38,471
I went by that store.
103
00:06:38,471 --> 00:06:40,038
What's this thing? A Lululemon.
104
00:06:41,105 --> 00:06:44,005
Lululemon, I walk by and in the window
105
00:06:44,005 --> 00:06:48,105
of every Lululemon,
there's a sign that says,
106
00:06:48,105 --> 00:06:53,871
"We don't support racism,
sexism, discrimination, or hate."
107
00:06:54,371 --> 00:06:56,405
And I'm like, "Who gives a fuck?"
108
00:06:58,138 --> 00:07:00,238
You're just selling yoga pants.
109
00:07:01,571 --> 00:07:04,071
I don't need your yoga pants politics.
110
00:07:05,171 --> 00:07:07,605
Tell me how you work on ball sweat.
111
00:07:11,138 --> 00:07:13,238
The fuck you talking about, man?
112
00:07:13,838 --> 00:07:15,805
And then, I'm watching
the game the other night.
113
00:07:15,805 --> 00:07:19,005
There was a--
There was a commercial for Subaru.
114
00:07:19,438 --> 00:07:23,905
Commercial for Subaru, and it said, uh,
"For every Subaru we sell,
115
00:07:24,671 --> 00:07:29,538
we'll donate $250
to your favorite charity."
116
00:07:30,271 --> 00:07:31,871
And I'm like, "Who gives a fuck?"
117
00:07:32,438 --> 00:07:34,605
I'm like, "Subaru,
you want to help me out?"
118
00:07:34,605 --> 00:07:38,705
"Why don't you just
sell me the car for $250 less?"
119
00:07:43,305 --> 00:07:45,671
Shit, I'm my favorite charity.
120
00:07:46,771 --> 00:07:49,538
Shit. You know what Elon Musk does?
121
00:07:49,538 --> 00:07:54,638
Every time he sells a Tesla,
he gets his dick sucked.
122
00:07:57,171 --> 00:07:59,038
That's why he looks so weird.
123
00:08:01,738 --> 00:08:03,971
'Cause his body has negative cum.
124
00:08:06,771 --> 00:08:09,105
He's the richest man on Earth.
125
00:08:09,105 --> 00:08:14,738
No one has lower cum levels
than Elon Musk, okay?
126
00:08:14,738 --> 00:08:18,371
Women are sucking out the cum
before it's even formed.
127
00:08:18,371 --> 00:08:23,471
There's a six-month waiting list
for Elon Musk's cum.
128
00:08:23,705 --> 00:08:26,805
He's flying bitches
to the moon.
129
00:08:26,805 --> 00:08:28,538
Who could compete with that shit?
130
00:08:29,371 --> 00:08:33,371
No one has less sperm than Elon Musk.
131
00:08:33,371 --> 00:08:36,538
Only Jason Momoa comes close.
132
00:08:40,771 --> 00:08:43,171
To having less spunk than Elon Musk.
133
00:08:44,138 --> 00:08:45,771
Fucking Lululemon.
134
00:08:46,771 --> 00:08:51,938
"We don't support racism,
sexism, discrimination, or hate."
135
00:08:52,871 --> 00:08:55,605
They sell $100 yoga pants.
136
00:08:56,605 --> 00:08:58,638
$100 yoga pants.
137
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:00,571
They hate somebody.
138
00:09:04,871 --> 00:09:06,871
They hate the poor.
139
00:09:09,338 --> 00:09:12,305
$100 yoga pants?
140
00:09:12,305 --> 00:09:13,305
No, no, no. Correction.
141
00:09:13,305 --> 00:09:15,171
They don't sell $100 yoga pants.
142
00:09:15,671 --> 00:09:21,005
They sell $100 non-racist yoga pants.
143
00:09:21,871 --> 00:09:25,205
I think I speak
for the entire audience tonight
144
00:09:25,205 --> 00:09:28,338
when I say most people in this crowd
145
00:09:28,338 --> 00:09:34,138
would prefer a pair
of $20 racist yoga pants.
146
00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:43,971
That's right. Like, yoga pants
that whistled "nigga" as you walk.
147
00:09:45,038 --> 00:09:51,438
"Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga."
148
00:09:53,138 --> 00:09:55,071
"Are my pants whistling, 'Nigga'?"
149
00:09:57,238 --> 00:09:58,971
"Can't wear these to Cherry Hill."
150
00:10:02,038 --> 00:10:05,071
Yeah, we live in Baltimore tonight, baby.
151
00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:07,238
We are motherfucking live.
152
00:10:07,838 --> 00:10:08,838
Okay?
153
00:10:10,671 --> 00:10:12,805
Homework, that's right.
154
00:10:13,538 --> 00:10:16,705
Whenever I do a show, I do my homework.
155
00:10:18,171 --> 00:10:21,405
First thing I do when I get to town,
I'll go, "Where should I not go?"
156
00:10:23,638 --> 00:10:26,405
And then I say, "Where can I buy coke?"
157
00:10:27,838 --> 00:10:29,938
And they're usually the same place.
158
00:10:36,905 --> 00:10:42,038
Now, America's...
America's got problems right now.
159
00:10:42,038 --> 00:10:45,105
They say we're addicted to opioids.
160
00:10:45,105 --> 00:10:47,105
They say we're addicted
to opioids and we are.
161
00:10:48,105 --> 00:10:52,205
I like a good opioid
when I could get my hand on it.
162
00:10:52,405 --> 00:10:55,638
There's, like, no pharmacist
has ever paid to come to my show.
163
00:11:02,305 --> 00:11:04,938
"I think we can get him in there, yeah."
164
00:11:04,938 --> 00:11:05,938
That's right, man.
165
00:11:05,938 --> 00:11:08,238
They say we're addicted to opioids,
166
00:11:08,238 --> 00:11:11,971
but opioids are not
the biggest addiction in America.
167
00:11:11,971 --> 00:11:14,638
No. Not even close, man.
168
00:11:15,205 --> 00:11:20,871
The biggest addiction
in America is attention.
169
00:11:22,271 --> 00:11:23,271
That's right.
170
00:11:23,271 --> 00:11:27,638
We are addicted to attention.
171
00:11:28,405 --> 00:11:30,871
Can't get enough attention.
172
00:11:31,538 --> 00:11:33,338
Feening for likes.
173
00:11:34,071 --> 00:11:36,271
Just feening. We used to want love.
174
00:11:36,271 --> 00:11:37,838
Now, we just want likes.
175
00:11:39,638 --> 00:11:42,171
Posting up pathetic pictures.
176
00:11:43,571 --> 00:11:46,471
"This is me eating sushi. Like me."
177
00:11:48,038 --> 00:11:52,671
"This is me, 25 years ago,
when I was hot. Like me."
178
00:11:53,705 --> 00:11:56,271
Oh, it's fucking sad, man.
179
00:11:56,771 --> 00:11:58,405
Just feening for attention.
180
00:11:58,405 --> 00:12:00,738
Addicted to attention.
181
00:12:01,171 --> 00:12:02,705
And how do you get attention?
182
00:12:02,705 --> 00:12:04,738
Four easy ways to get attention.
183
00:12:05,271 --> 00:12:08,305
Number one easiest way to get attention,
184
00:12:09,005 --> 00:12:11,305
show your ass.
185
00:12:12,505 --> 00:12:13,738
Show your ass!
186
00:12:13,738 --> 00:12:16,705
You will get attention,
even if you don't got ass!
187
00:12:17,705 --> 00:12:19,305
That's the world we live in.
188
00:12:19,805 --> 00:12:23,705
It's why Blac Chyna
has more followers than Gayle King.
189
00:12:25,271 --> 00:12:27,405
'Cause Chyna is showing that ass.
190
00:12:27,905 --> 00:12:30,705
That's right.
So number one, show your ass.
191
00:12:31,205 --> 00:12:34,338
Number two easiest way to get attention
192
00:12:34,871 --> 00:12:37,071
is to be infamous.
193
00:12:37,571 --> 00:12:41,038
Yeah. Do some fucked up shit.
Shoot up a school.
194
00:12:41,038 --> 00:12:44,138
Try to stab Dave Chappelle at a show.
195
00:12:45,138 --> 00:12:48,171
That's right, infamy.
You will get attention.
196
00:12:48,738 --> 00:12:52,105
Number three easiest way to get attention,
197
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,438
that's right, to be excellent.
198
00:12:55,071 --> 00:12:56,838
That's right. Like Serena Williams,
199
00:12:56,838 --> 00:12:59,671
greatest tennis player
to ever play the game.
200
00:13:02,971 --> 00:13:05,305
Absolutely excellent!
201
00:13:05,305 --> 00:13:09,405
Being excellent will get you attention,
but it's hard being excellent.
202
00:13:09,405 --> 00:13:11,071
You gotta get up in the morning.
203
00:13:11,971 --> 00:13:14,605
You gotta work out.
You gotta practice.
204
00:13:14,605 --> 00:13:17,871
It is much easier to show your ass.
205
00:13:19,505 --> 00:13:21,371
That's right. That's right.
206
00:13:21,371 --> 00:13:26,005
And the number four
easiest way to get attention, number four,
207
00:13:27,338 --> 00:13:30,105
is to be a victim.
208
00:13:30,105 --> 00:13:31,638
Ooh.
209
00:13:31,638 --> 00:13:35,638
It's like "Where he going with this?"
210
00:13:35,638 --> 00:13:39,471
Don't get me wrong,
there's no victim-shaming going on.
211
00:13:39,471 --> 00:13:42,738
No. No, no, no, no.
There are real victims in this world.
212
00:13:42,738 --> 00:13:46,005
There are people that have
gone through unspeakable trauma,
213
00:13:46,005 --> 00:13:49,005
and they need your love,
your support, and they need your care.
214
00:13:49,005 --> 00:13:53,638
But if everybody claims to be a victim
215
00:13:54,138 --> 00:13:56,171
when the real victims need help,
216
00:13:56,171 --> 00:13:59,071
ain't nobody gonna be there
to help them, okay?
217
00:13:59,071 --> 00:14:01,471
And right now, we live in a world
218
00:14:01,471 --> 00:14:05,938
where the emergency room is filled up
with motherfuckers with paper cuts.
219
00:14:08,271 --> 00:14:09,271
Okay?
220
00:14:09,271 --> 00:14:12,438
That's right.
221
00:14:13,505 --> 00:14:15,971
Everybody's trying to be a victim.
222
00:14:15,971 --> 00:14:20,238
People that know
good and goddamn well they ain't victims.
223
00:14:20,238 --> 00:14:22,871
Like white men.
224
00:14:25,338 --> 00:14:28,005
When did white men become victims?
225
00:14:28,005 --> 00:14:31,438
White men actually think
they're losing the country.
226
00:14:32,171 --> 00:14:33,338
To who?
227
00:14:34,971 --> 00:14:36,205
It ain't us.
228
00:14:37,171 --> 00:14:40,138
When's the last time
you got on a Black cruise ship?
229
00:14:41,205 --> 00:14:43,238
Or flew on a Black airline?
230
00:14:43,238 --> 00:14:45,971
Get the fuck out of here.
We don't got no money!
231
00:14:46,805 --> 00:14:50,038
We got some vodkas
and a couple of record companies.
232
00:14:51,738 --> 00:14:55,871
White men actually think
they're losing the country!
233
00:14:55,871 --> 00:14:58,505
Can you believe--
Did you see the Capitol riots?
234
00:14:58,505 --> 00:15:03,771
White men trying to overthrow
the government that they run!
235
00:15:12,705 --> 00:15:13,905
The fuck?
236
00:15:13,905 --> 00:15:16,005
They're like,
"We gotta get them out of office."
237
00:15:16,005 --> 00:15:17,138
Who? "Us."
238
00:15:20,705 --> 00:15:22,971
Did you see the Capitol riots?
239
00:15:22,971 --> 00:15:27,405
Like, what kind of white
Planet of the Apes shit was that?
240
00:15:29,938 --> 00:15:32,971
These motherfuckers are climbing up walls
241
00:15:32,971 --> 00:15:36,838
and taking a shit on Pelosi's desk.
242
00:15:40,071 --> 00:15:41,638
What the fuck?
243
00:15:41,638 --> 00:15:45,371
What would make white men think
they're losing the country? What?
244
00:15:45,371 --> 00:15:46,271
What? What?
245
00:15:46,271 --> 00:15:49,805
What, 'cause there's no more
white couples in commercials?
246
00:15:51,938 --> 00:15:53,771
There's no Black couples either.
247
00:15:54,271 --> 00:15:59,738
Every commercial has
a mixed race couple. Everything!
248
00:15:59,738 --> 00:16:02,305
Shit, I saw a commercial the other day,
249
00:16:02,305 --> 00:16:06,371
saw a Japanese woman
married to a caterpillar.
250
00:16:10,438 --> 00:16:12,238
Their kids were squirrels!
251
00:16:16,238 --> 00:16:18,105
By the way, speaking of commercials,
252
00:16:19,438 --> 00:16:22,405
when did Snoop Dogg become Morgan Freeman?
253
00:16:27,738 --> 00:16:29,705
This nigga's selling everything.
254
00:16:30,838 --> 00:16:33,605
Beer, wine, tampons...
255
00:16:34,805 --> 00:16:40,138
I saw a commercial the other day,
Snoop was selling reverse mortgages.
256
00:16:42,771 --> 00:16:44,405
Called them, "Dogg-ages."
257
00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:47,738
What the fuck's a "Dogg-age"?
258
00:16:49,005 --> 00:16:52,438
I love Snoop. I love Snoop Okay, so just...
259
00:16:52,438 --> 00:16:54,105
I'm not dissing Snoop, all right?
260
00:16:54,105 --> 00:16:57,038
Last thing I need
is another mad rapper, right?
261
00:17:00,471 --> 00:17:01,638
Nope. Nope, nope.
262
00:17:02,971 --> 00:17:04,138
No, no, no.
263
00:17:05,605 --> 00:17:06,905
No, no, no, no, no.
264
00:17:07,571 --> 00:17:12,505
Back to the show.
Everybody is trying to be a victim.
265
00:17:12,505 --> 00:17:15,171
Like, what's this girl Meghan Markle?
266
00:17:16,104 --> 00:17:19,505
Seemed like a nice lady.
267
00:17:20,805 --> 00:17:24,471
Just complaining. I was like, "Didn't she
hit the light-skinned lottery?"
268
00:17:26,538 --> 00:17:31,938
Hit the fucking light-skinned lottery,
and still going on complaining.
269
00:17:31,938 --> 00:17:34,938
Acting all dumb,
like she don't know nothing.
270
00:17:34,938 --> 00:17:37,438
Going on Oprah,
"I didn't know.
271
00:17:37,438 --> 00:17:40,138
I had no idea how racist they were."
272
00:17:40,138 --> 00:17:41,905
It's the royal family.
273
00:17:43,205 --> 00:17:45,505
You didn't google these motherfuckers?
274
00:17:47,305 --> 00:17:52,038
What the fuck
is she talking about, "she didn't know"?
275
00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:55,171
The fuck? It's the royal family!
276
00:17:55,171 --> 00:17:57,638
They're the original racists!
277
00:17:58,971 --> 00:18:01,471
They invented colonialism!
278
00:18:02,471 --> 00:18:05,038
They're the OGs of racism.
279
00:18:05,538 --> 00:18:08,038
They're the Sugarhill Gang of racism.
280
00:18:12,138 --> 00:18:13,905
Like, "The hip-hop, the hippie,
281
00:18:13,905 --> 00:18:17,705
the hippie-dippie hip hip-hop
and you don't stop" of racism.
282
00:18:19,405 --> 00:18:23,238
The fuck is she talking about,
"I didn't know"?
283
00:18:23,805 --> 00:18:27,105
That's like marrying
into the Budweiser family
284
00:18:27,105 --> 00:18:29,438
and going, "They drink a lot!"
285
00:18:32,205 --> 00:18:34,505
The fuck is she talking about?
286
00:18:34,505 --> 00:18:38,438
These motherfuckers invested in slavery
like it was Shark Tank.
287
00:18:41,738 --> 00:18:45,338
The fuck? She said, "They're so racist.
They're so racist."
288
00:18:45,338 --> 00:18:48,438
Some of that shit
she went through was not racism!
289
00:18:49,338 --> 00:18:51,838
It was just some in-law shit.
290
00:18:54,005 --> 00:18:56,138
And sometimes it's just some in-law shit!
291
00:18:56,638 --> 00:18:59,738
'Cause she's complaining, and I'm like,
"What the fuck is she talking about?"
292
00:18:59,738 --> 00:19:02,005
"Oprah, they're so racist!"
293
00:19:02,105 --> 00:19:06,671
"They wanted to know
how brown the baby was gonna be."
294
00:19:06,671 --> 00:19:10,805
"They're so racist. They wanted to know
how brown the baby's gonna be."
295
00:19:10,805 --> 00:19:13,038
I'm like, "That's not racist!"
296
00:19:14,438 --> 00:19:17,571
'Cause even Black people wanna know...
297
00:19:23,538 --> 00:19:28,905
how brown the baby gonna be!
Shit, we check behind them ears.
298
00:19:34,105 --> 00:19:37,438
That's a scientific test.
299
00:19:37,438 --> 00:19:40,838
'Cause you gotta see
what kind of Black child you're gonna get.
300
00:19:41,505 --> 00:19:43,738
Is this a Steph Curry baby?
301
00:19:44,971 --> 00:19:47,171
Or a Draymond Green baby?
302
00:19:52,038 --> 00:19:54,905
That Draymond baby gonna have a hard life.
303
00:19:57,071 --> 00:20:00,405
Draymond Black, baby. That nigga dark.
304
00:20:01,005 --> 00:20:02,671
He's "sneak-up-on-you" Black.
305
00:20:04,171 --> 00:20:06,571
Where you at, Draymond? "Right here." Hey!
306
00:20:07,938 --> 00:20:08,938
Hey!
307
00:20:09,571 --> 00:20:11,638
Put a bell on, nigga! Put a bell!
308
00:20:18,005 --> 00:20:21,171
I know what she going through.
I know what Meghan Markle's going through.
309
00:20:21,171 --> 00:20:22,838
I-I know her dilemma.
310
00:20:23,838 --> 00:20:29,505
Black girl trying to be accepted
by her white in-laws. Oh, it's hard.
311
00:20:30,571 --> 00:20:35,005
Black girl trying to be accepted
by her white in-laws. It's so hard.
312
00:20:35,005 --> 00:20:36,138
It's very hard!
313
00:20:36,671 --> 00:20:38,438
But it ain't as hard
314
00:20:38,438 --> 00:20:43,238
as a white girl trying to be
accepted by her Black in-laws.
315
00:20:45,438 --> 00:20:47,638
Now, that shit is really hard.
316
00:20:48,238 --> 00:20:51,305
Shit, you bring a white girl
home for Thanksgiving,
317
00:20:51,938 --> 00:20:53,705
your momma gonna say something.
318
00:20:55,805 --> 00:21:00,038
Your momma's like, "Why is there
a social worker at the table?"
319
00:21:07,071 --> 00:21:08,838
Like, "Momma, that's Jackie!"
320
00:21:10,071 --> 00:21:12,005
"We've been married nine years!"
321
00:21:13,771 --> 00:21:17,738
"You got three grandchildren!
Stop being so mean!"
322
00:21:17,738 --> 00:21:22,038
"You know I'm playing, right, Jackie?
Just give me time."
323
00:21:22,938 --> 00:21:24,205
Nah, nah, nah.
324
00:21:24,705 --> 00:21:27,771
Meghan Markle, I know the dilemma.
325
00:21:28,405 --> 00:21:31,605
Black girl trying to be accepted
by her white in-laws.
326
00:21:32,205 --> 00:21:36,838
Black girl trying to be accepted
by her white in-laws.
327
00:21:36,838 --> 00:21:39,138
I'm like, "Hey! If you're Black,
328
00:21:39,671 --> 00:21:43,005
and you wanna be accepted
by your white in-laws,
329
00:21:44,305 --> 00:21:48,071
then you need to marry a Kardashian."
330
00:21:51,305 --> 00:21:53,171
'Cause they accept everybody.
331
00:21:54,705 --> 00:21:58,271
So, like, Kris Jenner
is like the Statue of Liberty.
332
00:21:59,905 --> 00:22:04,138
"Give me your tired,
your poor, your huddled masses..."
333
00:22:04,138 --> 00:22:06,371
Kris Jenner lets everybody in.
334
00:22:06,871 --> 00:22:09,405
That's right. She's like a Black grandma.
335
00:22:09,905 --> 00:22:12,871
She just wants to fix you up a plate,
that Kris Jenner.
336
00:22:12,871 --> 00:22:15,538
She don't give a fuck.
She lets everybody in.
337
00:22:15,538 --> 00:22:19,105
She's like, "Bipolar rapper?
Bring your ass in here."
338
00:22:20,571 --> 00:22:23,671
"Come in here, you genius,
bipolar motherfucker."
339
00:22:25,271 --> 00:22:28,271
"Crackhead basketball player?
Bring your ass here."
340
00:22:31,038 --> 00:22:34,171
"Let me fix you up a plate,
you old crackhead."
341
00:22:34,971 --> 00:22:37,871
"Daddy got titties? Bring your ass here."
342
00:22:41,438 --> 00:22:42,971
"Help me with these plates."
343
00:22:43,871 --> 00:22:47,038
The Kardashians are inclusive!
344
00:22:48,205 --> 00:22:52,405
And they love Black people
more than Black people love Black people.
345
00:22:54,071 --> 00:22:56,738
Shit, the father freed O.J.
346
00:23:03,971 --> 00:23:06,905
Oh, you forgot that little nugget
of Black history?
347
00:23:08,238 --> 00:23:11,438
He was a, he was a valuable member
of the Dream Team.
348
00:23:11,938 --> 00:23:15,605
That's right. He wasn't Johnnie Cochran.
He was the Klay Thompson of that team.
349
00:23:16,571 --> 00:23:18,405
That's right. That's right.
350
00:23:18,405 --> 00:23:22,871
Robert Kardashian helped
to free O.J. Simpson,
351
00:23:23,371 --> 00:23:27,138
a Black, football playing murderer!
352
00:23:28,538 --> 00:23:34,605
Whoo! O.J. Simpson killed two white people
and got away with it.
353
00:23:35,371 --> 00:23:37,771
That's another kind of Black excellence.
354
00:23:44,038 --> 00:23:46,071
That's way before Wakanda.
355
00:23:47,671 --> 00:23:49,305
Ah, ha, ha!
356
00:23:50,005 --> 00:23:54,571
Yes. Robert Kardashian helped
to free O.J. Simpson.
357
00:23:55,705 --> 00:23:57,838
That's right. And from that day on,
358
00:23:58,338 --> 00:24:00,705
from the day that he helped
to free O.J. Simpson,
359
00:24:00,705 --> 00:24:03,438
from the time
O.J. Simpson left that court...
360
00:24:04,071 --> 00:24:07,638
From that day on,
Robert Kardashian was cursed.
361
00:24:08,605 --> 00:24:09,438
That's right.
362
00:24:10,438 --> 00:24:12,638
The judge said, "Not guilty."
363
00:24:12,638 --> 00:24:15,905
O.J. left the court,
got in his Bronco, drove away.
364
00:24:17,605 --> 00:24:20,671
And soon as O.J. drove away,
365
00:24:21,405 --> 00:24:22,671
God appeared.
366
00:24:24,071 --> 00:24:27,305
And God walked up to Robert Kardashian
367
00:24:27,305 --> 00:24:28,871
and God said,
368
00:24:30,238 --> 00:24:31,838
"Robert Kardashian!"
369
00:24:33,105 --> 00:24:38,271
"For the sin of helping
to free O.J. Simpson,
370
00:24:38,271 --> 00:24:41,405
a Black, football-playing murderer,
371
00:24:42,371 --> 00:24:45,071
from this day forth,
372
00:24:45,071 --> 00:24:47,705
for the rest of eternity,
373
00:24:47,705 --> 00:24:49,671
till the end of time,
374
00:24:49,671 --> 00:24:52,338
your daughters will fuck
nothing but niggas!"
375
00:25:05,971 --> 00:25:08,038
"And not just any niggas,
376
00:25:08,038 --> 00:25:09,571
crazy niggas."
377
00:25:13,738 --> 00:25:15,738
"The craziest niggas to ever live."
378
00:25:19,705 --> 00:25:21,171
Yeah, we going in tonight.
379
00:25:23,005 --> 00:25:25,938
You can't tell none
of these jokes at work, motherfucker.
380
00:25:26,738 --> 00:25:27,571
No!
381
00:25:28,538 --> 00:25:30,638
I love the Kardashians.
I love the Kardashians.
382
00:25:30,638 --> 00:25:33,038
They're a very tight-knit family.
383
00:25:34,038 --> 00:25:36,371
I-- You know what I love
about the Kardashians?
384
00:25:36,371 --> 00:25:38,805
I love how quickly
385
00:25:39,471 --> 00:25:41,705
they accepted Caitlyn.
386
00:25:42,705 --> 00:25:45,538
I thought that was beautiful.
I thought it was beautiful.
387
00:25:46,271 --> 00:25:49,771
That's right.
"No muss, no fuss, she's with us."
388
00:25:51,638 --> 00:25:54,538
I thought it was beautiful.
I would love to believe
389
00:25:54,538 --> 00:25:56,338
that if my father became a woman,
390
00:25:57,871 --> 00:25:59,838
that we would accept the situation
391
00:26:00,938 --> 00:26:03,071
as fast as the Kardashians.
392
00:26:04,105 --> 00:26:06,671
And I'm sure we would. I'm sure we would.
393
00:26:08,338 --> 00:26:10,038
It wouldn't be the first season.
394
00:26:13,571 --> 00:26:15,971
You know,
we need a few episodes
395
00:26:17,038 --> 00:26:19,205
to make this shit happen--
No, no, no. No, no.
396
00:26:19,205 --> 00:26:22,171
Honestly, here's the deal.
If my father became a woman,
397
00:26:23,438 --> 00:26:26,571
I would accept it right away.
I would accept it right away.
398
00:26:27,005 --> 00:26:28,971
You know why? 'Cause I'm an artist.
399
00:26:28,971 --> 00:26:31,805
And I've worked with all sorts,
got nothing against anybody.
400
00:26:31,805 --> 00:26:33,971
Trans, I'm sure there's trans people here.
401
00:26:33,971 --> 00:26:36,205
I got no beef with anybody.
402
00:26:36,205 --> 00:26:38,771
I'm gonna accept everyone, right?
403
00:26:39,938 --> 00:26:42,205
That's right. If my father became a woman,
I'd accept it.
404
00:26:42,305 --> 00:26:44,638
I mean, to be perfectly honest...
405
00:26:45,771 --> 00:26:47,538
To be perfectly honest,
406
00:26:47,538 --> 00:26:50,138
in some situations
407
00:26:50,138 --> 00:26:54,005
I actually prefer trans women
408
00:26:55,138 --> 00:26:56,505
to original recipe.
409
00:26:59,905 --> 00:27:01,771
Like, when you're watching a game
410
00:27:01,771 --> 00:27:03,405
they could read defenses.
411
00:27:06,071 --> 00:27:08,738
"That's a Cover 2."
"Ooh, thanks, Peaches."
412
00:27:18,271 --> 00:27:20,671
No!
413
00:27:20,671 --> 00:27:24,138
No, no, no. Again,
if my father became a woman,
414
00:27:24,638 --> 00:27:26,171
I would accept it
415
00:27:26,905 --> 00:27:29,938
'cause I'm an artist
and I would accept it immediately.
416
00:27:30,438 --> 00:27:34,138
Now, my brothers drive trucks.
417
00:27:35,538 --> 00:27:38,638
So, their reaction might be
a little different than mine.
418
00:27:39,338 --> 00:27:42,138
Especially my older brother, Andre.
419
00:27:42,638 --> 00:27:46,005
He, you know,
drives an 18-wheeler, is a Raiders fan.
420
00:27:46,005 --> 00:27:48,205
He's one of them "argh" niggas, you know?
421
00:27:48,871 --> 00:27:52,238
If my father became a woman,
Andre would have a problem with it.
422
00:27:52,238 --> 00:27:54,671
That would be a very testy Christmas
423
00:27:54,671 --> 00:27:56,305
to say the least.
424
00:27:56,305 --> 00:27:59,338
My brother Andre would be like,
"Man, fuck that shit, man!"
425
00:27:59,838 --> 00:28:01,571
"The fuck, you got the heels on?"
426
00:28:02,371 --> 00:28:05,871
"The fuck you doing? You don't gotta
wear a motherfucking heel."
427
00:28:05,871 --> 00:28:08,471
"Why the wig?
What that got to do with nothin'?"
428
00:28:08,471 --> 00:28:10,505
"What the hair got to do with nothin'?"
429
00:28:10,505 --> 00:28:12,405
"Nah, I ain't shaking your hand."
430
00:28:12,405 --> 00:28:15,305
"I don't want none
of that trans to rub off on me."
431
00:28:15,305 --> 00:28:17,871
"My kids here, nigga, my kids!"
432
00:28:17,871 --> 00:28:22,938
And then, I would have to step in
and be the voice of reason.
433
00:28:22,938 --> 00:28:25,171
I would have to check my brother.
434
00:28:25,171 --> 00:28:27,905
I would have to walk up
to him going, "Hey! Hey!"
435
00:28:27,905 --> 00:28:29,238
"Hey, nigga!"
436
00:28:29,838 --> 00:28:32,238
"She's your daddy!"
437
00:28:43,405 --> 00:28:46,571
We gotta love everybody, man.
We gotta love all.
438
00:28:46,571 --> 00:28:50,005
America, America's in bad shape
right now, man.
439
00:28:50,005 --> 00:28:53,571
America's in horrible shape.
We got it worse than Ukraine.
440
00:28:54,438 --> 00:28:55,271
Yeah, I said it.
441
00:28:56,838 --> 00:29:00,371
You know why? 'Cause Ukraine is united
442
00:29:00,371 --> 00:29:03,705
and America is clearly divided.
443
00:29:04,438 --> 00:29:07,338
Okay? We are clearly divided.
444
00:29:08,938 --> 00:29:13,638
Our shit is so screwed up right now,
if the Russians came here right now,
445
00:29:13,638 --> 00:29:15,771
half the country would go,
446
00:29:15,771 --> 00:29:16,905
"Let's hear 'em out."
447
00:29:20,105 --> 00:29:22,038
We in a bad place, man.
448
00:29:22,038 --> 00:29:23,838
Republicans lie.
449
00:29:24,471 --> 00:29:26,038
Republicans lie.
450
00:29:26,705 --> 00:29:30,305
Biggest liars in the world.
Republicans lie,
451
00:29:30,305 --> 00:29:34,271
and Democrats leave out
key pieces of the truth...
452
00:29:37,638 --> 00:29:41,238
that would lead to
a more nuanced argument.
453
00:29:41,238 --> 00:29:43,371
The whole country is fucked up.
454
00:29:43,371 --> 00:29:45,605
School shootings every week.
455
00:29:46,105 --> 00:29:47,971
Fucking opioid epidemic.
456
00:29:47,971 --> 00:29:52,571
Abortion is illegal
in most of the country.
457
00:29:53,405 --> 00:29:55,605
In most of the country,
abortion's illegal.
458
00:29:56,505 --> 00:29:59,838
A lot of people say, "Chris,
you shouldn't talk about abortion."
459
00:29:59,838 --> 00:30:01,238
"It's a women's issue."
460
00:30:02,038 --> 00:30:05,238
Say, "Chris!
You shouldn't talk about abortion."
461
00:30:05,738 --> 00:30:07,271
"It's a women's issue."
462
00:30:07,771 --> 00:30:08,838
And I'm like, "Hey."
463
00:30:09,338 --> 00:30:13,271
"I've paid for more abortions
than any woman in this room."
464
00:30:19,438 --> 00:30:21,505
Shit, when I go to the clinic, I say,
465
00:30:21,505 --> 00:30:22,671
"Gimme the usual."
466
00:30:27,638 --> 00:30:31,405
When I go in there,
they give me a punch card. "Here you go."
467
00:30:32,305 --> 00:30:34,505
Two more and I get a free smoothie.
468
00:30:36,971 --> 00:30:38,205
"Mango."
469
00:30:39,638 --> 00:30:41,638
That's right, pro-life, pro-choice.
470
00:30:42,405 --> 00:30:44,905
Pro-life, pro-choice,
what are you, what are you?
471
00:30:45,405 --> 00:30:49,371
I have two beautiful daughters.
I have two beautiful daughters, right?
472
00:30:50,605 --> 00:30:51,438
And...
473
00:30:53,438 --> 00:30:55,371
So, there's a part of me...
474
00:30:55,871 --> 00:30:57,138
There's a part of me
475
00:30:58,271 --> 00:31:01,205
that's pro-life, okay?
476
00:31:01,205 --> 00:31:04,205
'Cause I'm definitely pro their lives.
477
00:31:05,671 --> 00:31:08,471
Okay? So, there's
a part of me that's pro-life.
478
00:31:08,971 --> 00:31:11,505
But since I love
my daughters unconditionally--
479
00:31:11,505 --> 00:31:15,171
I love them not just as little girls,
I love them as grown women.
480
00:31:15,671 --> 00:31:18,205
I want my daughters to live in a world
481
00:31:18,205 --> 00:31:22,205
where they have
complete control of their bodies, okay?
482
00:31:22,305 --> 00:31:24,205
Okay?
483
00:31:26,938 --> 00:31:28,138
And because of that,
484
00:31:29,171 --> 00:31:31,171
I am pro-choice.
485
00:31:31,171 --> 00:31:35,338
I am absolutely pro-choice, okay?
486
00:31:35,338 --> 00:31:39,705
I believe women
should have the right to kill babies.
487
00:31:45,205 --> 00:31:47,005
That's right. I'm on your side.
488
00:31:48,305 --> 00:31:53,305
I believe you should have the right
to kill as many babies as you want.
489
00:31:54,271 --> 00:31:56,338
Kill 'em all, I don't give a fuck.
490
00:31:57,638 --> 00:32:00,605
But let's not get it twisted,
it is killing a baby.
491
00:32:01,371 --> 00:32:04,105
'Cause whenever I pay for an abortion,
492
00:32:04,105 --> 00:32:05,905
I request a dead baby.
493
00:32:07,105 --> 00:32:10,171
Sometimes, I call up
the doctor like a hit man.
494
00:32:10,171 --> 00:32:11,071
"Is it done?"
495
00:32:15,205 --> 00:32:18,838
And people argue
first trimester, second trimester.
496
00:32:18,838 --> 00:32:20,938
First trimester, second trimester.
497
00:32:20,938 --> 00:32:27,571
I think women should have the right
to kill a baby until it's four years old.
498
00:32:35,538 --> 00:32:38,871
That's right, fuck trimester. Semester.
499
00:32:43,038 --> 00:32:47,938
I think you should be able to kill a baby
till you get that first report card.
500
00:32:49,305 --> 00:32:52,505
"He ain't never getting a scholarship."
501
00:32:54,338 --> 00:32:57,271
"Okay, you can finish
watching Stranger Things,
502
00:32:58,771 --> 00:33:00,971
but when it's over,
we going to the clinic."
503
00:33:02,638 --> 00:33:05,038
"Hurry up, I'm trying to get a smoothie."
504
00:33:12,238 --> 00:33:15,971
That's right. Pro-life, pro-choice.
I'm pro-choice. I'm pro-choice.
505
00:33:15,971 --> 00:33:19,871
I'm pro right choice. I'm pro good choice.
I'm pro practical choice.
506
00:33:20,505 --> 00:33:21,338
Like, ladies...
507
00:33:22,538 --> 00:33:23,605
Ladies, listen to me.
508
00:33:25,705 --> 00:33:29,105
If you have to pay
509
00:33:29,971 --> 00:33:32,671
for your own abortion,
510
00:33:34,105 --> 00:33:35,538
you should get an abortion.
511
00:33:45,371 --> 00:33:48,938
Stop letting broke dicks
cum inside of you.
512
00:33:54,805 --> 00:33:57,171
This has been
a public service announcement.
513
00:34:00,305 --> 00:34:01,605
I'm on your side!
514
00:34:02,105 --> 00:34:03,471
I'm on your side.
515
00:34:03,971 --> 00:34:08,538
Everybody cares about abortion,
trying to save these bad-ass kids.
516
00:34:10,171 --> 00:34:13,538
You know, whenever some kid
goes crazy at a school,
517
00:34:13,538 --> 00:34:17,305
they always say,
"No child... No child is born is racist."
518
00:34:17,805 --> 00:34:19,671
"No child is born hating."
519
00:34:20,171 --> 00:34:23,638
"You have to teach a child to hate.
All children are good."
520
00:34:24,405 --> 00:34:26,305
"All children are born pure."
521
00:34:26,805 --> 00:34:30,138
You know, only people without kids
say dumb shit like that.
522
00:34:31,571 --> 00:34:36,038
Kids are the meanest motherfuckers
on the face of the earth.
523
00:34:36,038 --> 00:34:40,538
They're the most racist,
sexist, homophobic, fat-a-phobic,
524
00:34:40,538 --> 00:34:45,838
will-say-anything-to-your-face
motherfuckers on Earth, okay?
525
00:34:49,171 --> 00:34:54,638
You realize human beings,
we have the worst offspring of any animal.
526
00:34:55,471 --> 00:34:58,671
We're the only animal
in the whole animal kingdom
527
00:34:58,671 --> 00:35:03,405
that has to raise its kids for 18 years.
528
00:35:04,638 --> 00:35:08,938
Eighteen years. Every other animal's
like two or three days.
529
00:35:11,871 --> 00:35:13,338
Like, birds are like,
530
00:35:13,338 --> 00:35:14,805
"I hope you can fly."
531
00:35:19,205 --> 00:35:22,938
Eighteen years!
And they still bad!
532
00:35:22,938 --> 00:35:24,771
And they still fuck up.
533
00:35:25,671 --> 00:35:28,771
"No, kids are born good."
Shut the fuck up, man.
534
00:35:28,771 --> 00:35:32,405
My oldest daughter, Lola,
used to bite kids.
535
00:35:33,471 --> 00:35:34,305
Bite 'em.
536
00:35:34,971 --> 00:35:36,905
That's right.
You'd be at a birthday party.
537
00:35:36,905 --> 00:35:38,938
"Happy birthday to..."
538
00:35:42,838 --> 00:35:45,271
You look around, Lola done bit somebody.
539
00:35:46,071 --> 00:35:49,171
Now, let me ask you something.
Do you think me and her mother
540
00:35:49,171 --> 00:35:50,605
taught her to bite?
541
00:35:52,105 --> 00:35:54,705
Do you think me and her mother
sharpened her teeth?
542
00:35:56,605 --> 00:35:59,305
Do you think we bought her
mannequins to practice on?
543
00:36:00,038 --> 00:36:02,205
No, that's just who the fuck she is.
544
00:36:03,538 --> 00:36:05,571
That's just her nature.
545
00:36:05,571 --> 00:36:08,038
She came out the womb like Wolverine.
546
00:36:09,771 --> 00:36:12,738
I love my kids. I love my kids,
but I don't like them.
547
00:36:14,071 --> 00:36:15,205
I don't like my kids.
548
00:36:15,205 --> 00:36:18,538
You know one reason I don't like my kids?
'Cause my kids are rich.
549
00:36:19,005 --> 00:36:21,271
My kids are rich and spoiled.
550
00:36:21,271 --> 00:36:23,405
I know some people are like,
"Chris, you're rich."
551
00:36:23,405 --> 00:36:24,838
Yeah, I'm rich.
552
00:36:24,838 --> 00:36:27,305
But I identify as poor.
553
00:36:31,505 --> 00:36:32,638
Whoo!
554
00:36:33,738 --> 00:36:36,638
That's right, my pronoun is broke.
555
00:36:38,805 --> 00:36:40,171
That's right, man.
556
00:36:40,171 --> 00:36:41,705
And my kids are spoiled.
557
00:36:41,705 --> 00:36:45,205
My kids are fucking spoiled and I did it.
558
00:36:45,205 --> 00:36:47,938
Me and their mother, but I fucking did it.
559
00:36:47,938 --> 00:36:50,638
A lot, a lot of Black people
get a little money, and they're like,
560
00:36:50,638 --> 00:36:53,405
"I want my kids to know
how it is in the hood." Not me.
561
00:36:54,705 --> 00:36:56,405
I want the exact opposite.
562
00:36:56,405 --> 00:36:59,405
I want my kids
to know shit about the hood.
563
00:36:59,405 --> 00:37:03,071
I want them to be lost
every time they're in a hood, okay?
564
00:37:03,071 --> 00:37:07,871
My kids went
to the best schools on Earth, okay?
565
00:37:07,871 --> 00:37:11,871
My kids speak multiple languages, okay?
566
00:37:12,405 --> 00:37:15,871
Sometimes they curse me out,
I don't even know what they talkin' about.
567
00:37:16,571 --> 00:37:21,571
My kids ski, they ride horses, they fence.
568
00:37:22,638 --> 00:37:24,671
I've got fencing Black girls,
569
00:37:26,571 --> 00:37:28,205
with afro puffs,
570
00:37:28,971 --> 00:37:31,071
talking about, "Touché, nigga."
571
00:37:33,505 --> 00:37:36,371
That's right. You can't fuck with
the Rock girls, boy.
572
00:37:36,371 --> 00:37:38,371
Them Rock girls are fucking spoiled.
573
00:37:39,071 --> 00:37:40,871
I remember my youngest, Zahra,
574
00:37:40,871 --> 00:37:43,705
when she was in kindergarten,
one day, the teacher said,
575
00:37:44,305 --> 00:37:47,738
"Today, we're gonna learn
about the four seasons."
576
00:37:47,738 --> 00:37:50,871
And Zahra said,
"That's my favorite hotel."
577
00:37:56,005 --> 00:37:58,605
Yeah, you ain't never seen
Black girls like this.
578
00:37:59,338 --> 00:38:02,271
My kids are fucking spoiled.
579
00:38:02,271 --> 00:38:04,238
That's right. And I did it, man.
580
00:38:04,238 --> 00:38:06,838
When they were little kids,
I used to take them to Disney a lot.
581
00:38:06,838 --> 00:38:09,138
Used to take them to Disney
all the time, right?
582
00:38:09,138 --> 00:38:12,105
But I ain't take them
like normal people, no.
583
00:38:12,105 --> 00:38:15,005
That's right. We went
on the Illuminati package.
584
00:38:17,171 --> 00:38:19,605
We weren't out there
waiting to meet the characters,
585
00:38:19,605 --> 00:38:20,871
like everybody else.
586
00:38:20,871 --> 00:38:23,638
We were backstage
chilling with the characters.
587
00:38:24,371 --> 00:38:26,705
That's right. I smoked a joint with Goofy.
588
00:38:29,638 --> 00:38:32,238
Fucking Minnie gave me a lap dance.
589
00:38:33,438 --> 00:38:35,471
Rubbed that big rat ass on me.
590
00:38:38,905 --> 00:38:40,938
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
591
00:38:40,938 --> 00:38:41,971
That's right, man.
592
00:38:41,971 --> 00:38:44,638
My kids had it good.
Had it much better than me.
593
00:38:44,638 --> 00:38:47,938
'Cause when I was a kid,
we went to Disney.
594
00:38:47,938 --> 00:38:50,271
That's right.
Me, my mother, and my brothers,
595
00:38:50,271 --> 00:38:52,805
we went to Disney as poor people.
596
00:38:53,871 --> 00:38:55,371
On a church trip.
597
00:38:57,371 --> 00:38:59,471
Sad already, ain't it?
598
00:39:00,671 --> 00:39:03,171
On a church trip.
599
00:39:04,038 --> 00:39:08,905
New York to Orlando, in August,
600
00:39:09,405 --> 00:39:13,238
on a bus with no AC.
601
00:39:14,238 --> 00:39:17,405
It was so hot, I thought
we were going to see the Devil.
602
00:39:19,738 --> 00:39:22,205
Took us two days to get there,
603
00:39:22,205 --> 00:39:25,005
'cause the driver was selling
weed on the way.
604
00:39:27,138 --> 00:39:30,405
And when we finally got there,
we weren't really there,
605
00:39:30,405 --> 00:39:35,238
'cause Disney's in Orlando,
and our hotel was in Alabama.
606
00:39:40,805 --> 00:39:44,071
And we're staying in some nasty motel.
607
00:39:44,071 --> 00:39:47,805
It had a bed that vibrates
if you put a quarter in it.
608
00:39:47,805 --> 00:39:51,805
We're little kids. We don't know
this is a nasty, cummed-up mattress.
609
00:39:54,171 --> 00:39:57,571
And we're begging my mother,
"Mommy, can you put another quarter in?"
610
00:39:59,105 --> 00:40:03,638
And my mother's like, "I'm gonna put
a quarter in, but this counts as a ride."
611
00:40:04,805 --> 00:40:06,738
God damn.
612
00:40:07,571 --> 00:40:09,505
Best time of my life.
613
00:40:09,505 --> 00:40:12,671
Now, my kids, my kids,
yes, they're spoiled.
614
00:40:13,638 --> 00:40:14,605
Yes, they are spoiled,
615
00:40:14,605 --> 00:40:17,338
but they get in trouble
just like any other kids.
616
00:40:17,338 --> 00:40:18,738
So about three years ago,
617
00:40:18,738 --> 00:40:22,705
my oldest, Lola,
was a senior in high school, right?
618
00:40:22,705 --> 00:40:26,538
And they went on a class trip.
It was time for a class trip.
619
00:40:26,538 --> 00:40:29,205
Now, a fancy school has a fancy trip.
620
00:40:29,971 --> 00:40:33,405
So their class trip was to Portugal.
621
00:40:35,038 --> 00:40:37,405
Ain't that some shit? Portugal.
622
00:40:37,405 --> 00:40:39,971
When I was a kid,
we went to the Bronx Zoo.
623
00:40:41,905 --> 00:40:43,738
Watched a gorilla jerk off.
624
00:40:46,205 --> 00:40:48,205
And then had to write a report about it.
625
00:40:50,105 --> 00:40:51,771
"He held it tightly."
626
00:40:54,171 --> 00:40:56,471
So Lola goes on the class trip,
627
00:40:56,471 --> 00:41:00,971
and she's in Portugal,
doing whatever Portuguese shit they do.
628
00:41:01,705 --> 00:41:05,738
And one day, Lola,
and four of her little white girl friends
629
00:41:05,738 --> 00:41:09,938
decide that they're bored
and they're gonna leave the class.
630
00:41:10,571 --> 00:41:14,605
They're gonna sneak away,
go to a bar, and get drunk.
631
00:41:15,538 --> 00:41:18,071
And then they tried to sneak back in.
632
00:41:18,705 --> 00:41:21,971
But of course, they got busted.
Of course, they got busted.
633
00:41:22,938 --> 00:41:25,471
Now, these crazy, rich, white schools,
634
00:41:25,471 --> 00:41:27,171
they don't play that shit.
635
00:41:27,905 --> 00:41:31,005
You get busted sneaking out drinking,
they're like, "You are kicked out."
636
00:41:31,771 --> 00:41:32,771
But...
637
00:41:33,705 --> 00:41:36,171
But, this school, of course,
638
00:41:36,171 --> 00:41:40,638
these crazy white schools
got rich-ass white parents.
639
00:41:40,638 --> 00:41:44,905
And rich-ass white parents do not let
their kids get kicked out of school.
640
00:41:45,605 --> 00:41:49,138
So all these rich-ass parents,
they've all got lawyers.
641
00:41:49,905 --> 00:41:52,671
Even the ones
that were lawyers, got lawyers.
642
00:41:54,405 --> 00:41:56,038
Okay? And they got them good lawyers.
643
00:41:56,038 --> 00:41:58,771
They got those NFL rape lawyers.
644
00:42:02,238 --> 00:42:03,538
Like, I'm not advocating rape.
645
00:42:03,538 --> 00:42:06,805
But if you're ever on trial,
that's who you want, okay?
646
00:42:06,805 --> 00:42:09,305
Either that, or Robert Kardashian, right?
647
00:42:10,671 --> 00:42:12,771
And they got the good lawyers, right?
648
00:42:12,771 --> 00:42:14,271
I didn't want a lawyer at first.
649
00:42:14,271 --> 00:42:17,638
I didn't want to get a lawyer
because I was mad at my child.
650
00:42:17,638 --> 00:42:20,771
I was mad. I was like,
"Lola, what the fuck is going on?"
651
00:42:20,771 --> 00:42:22,805
"First, you're biting. Now, this shit?"
652
00:42:24,838 --> 00:42:26,271
And I tried to talk to my ex-wife.
653
00:42:26,271 --> 00:42:28,971
I was like, "Let's wait
before we get a lawyer."
654
00:42:28,971 --> 00:42:31,771
"Let's see how this turns out.
Let's see how it unfolds."
655
00:42:31,771 --> 00:42:33,305
My ex-wife's like, "No, fuck that."
656
00:42:33,305 --> 00:42:35,838
"We're getting a lawyer,
and we're gonna sue this school."
657
00:42:35,838 --> 00:42:38,505
"We're gonna sue this dean.
We're gonna sue these teachers."
658
00:42:38,505 --> 00:42:40,771
"I can't even believe
they let her out of their sight."
659
00:42:40,771 --> 00:42:42,438
"We are suing these people."
660
00:42:42,438 --> 00:42:44,938
And I started to argue with her,
661
00:42:44,938 --> 00:42:48,871
but the last time I argued
with my ex-wife about a lawyer,
662
00:42:48,871 --> 00:42:50,271
I lost my house.
663
00:42:53,405 --> 00:42:55,138
So we got a lawyer. We got a lawyer.
664
00:42:55,771 --> 00:42:57,471
And I'm talking to the lawyer,
665
00:42:57,471 --> 00:43:00,405
and the lawyer's like,
"Okay, okay, I talked to some people."
666
00:43:00,405 --> 00:43:02,371
"And if you give me ten days,
667
00:43:02,371 --> 00:43:04,805
I should be able
to get her back in the school."
668
00:43:05,305 --> 00:43:07,271
So Lola's home for ten days.
669
00:43:07,271 --> 00:43:13,571
One day, I come home from work
and I see Lola outside just laughing
670
00:43:13,571 --> 00:43:17,038
with, like, three of her little
white girl friends, just laughing.
671
00:43:17,838 --> 00:43:22,305
You ever just want
to choke your child for smiling?
672
00:43:22,305 --> 00:43:25,538
Like, motherfucker,
what are you smiling about right now?
673
00:43:25,538 --> 00:43:28,271
So I walk over to Lola.
I'm like, "Lola, what's so funny?"
674
00:43:28,271 --> 00:43:29,738
"What is so funny?"
675
00:43:29,738 --> 00:43:31,871
And Lola's like, "Daddy, stop it!"
676
00:43:31,871 --> 00:43:35,105
"You're so serious.
I'll be back in school in no time."
677
00:43:35,605 --> 00:43:38,238
And I'm like,
"Look at this smug motherfucker."
678
00:43:39,105 --> 00:43:41,671
And at that moment, I kind of snapped.
679
00:43:41,671 --> 00:43:43,605
And I got back in the car.
680
00:43:43,605 --> 00:43:47,305
I got back in the fucking car
and I drove to the school.
681
00:43:47,305 --> 00:43:49,038
I drove to the school and found the dean.
682
00:43:49,038 --> 00:43:51,438
I was like, "Hey, we need to talk."
683
00:43:52,271 --> 00:43:53,971
"I know
you're going through it right now."
684
00:43:53,971 --> 00:43:56,605
"I know you've got
a lot of parents trying to sue you,
685
00:43:56,605 --> 00:44:00,938
and trying to sue the school,
and trying to get you fired,
686
00:44:00,938 --> 00:44:02,271
but I need a favor."
687
00:44:03,271 --> 00:44:07,638
"I need you to kick
my daughter out of this school."
688
00:44:09,338 --> 00:44:14,305
"I need you to kick
her Black ass out of this school."
689
00:44:14,305 --> 00:44:19,971
"I need my Black child
to learn her lesson right now,
690
00:44:19,971 --> 00:44:23,238
before she ends up
on OnlyFans or some shit."
691
00:44:24,238 --> 00:44:28,638
"Please kick my child
out of fucking school."
692
00:44:28,638 --> 00:44:29,705
And they kicked her out.
693
00:44:29,705 --> 00:44:33,538
They kicked them all out,
but they kicked my child out first,
694
00:44:33,538 --> 00:44:35,538
okay? 'Cause I'm a celebrity.
695
00:44:36,838 --> 00:44:38,671
And I went home,
696
00:44:38,671 --> 00:44:41,205
act like I didn't know
what was about to happen.
697
00:44:42,005 --> 00:44:44,371
The phone rang. I was like,
"Lola, you should get that."
698
00:44:47,638 --> 00:44:50,105
I act like I didn't know shit.
699
00:44:50,105 --> 00:44:53,405
And Lola got the phone
and they gave her the news.
700
00:44:53,405 --> 00:44:55,705
And then Lola comes in all sad.
701
00:44:55,705 --> 00:44:58,038
"Daddy,
they kicked me out of school."
702
00:44:58,038 --> 00:45:01,205
And I was like, "I told you
them crackers are mean, Lola."
703
00:45:02,605 --> 00:45:04,671
"I told you about them crackers."
704
00:45:04,671 --> 00:45:06,271
And to this day,
705
00:45:06,271 --> 00:45:09,805
Lola has no idea
I had anything to do with that shit.
706
00:45:09,805 --> 00:45:13,038
And her mother has no idea
I had anything to do with that shit.
707
00:45:13,038 --> 00:45:15,038
And the lawyer has no idea.
708
00:45:15,038 --> 00:45:19,305
And they won't find out
till they see this shit on Netflix.
709
00:45:28,971 --> 00:45:30,271
Here's the amazing thing.
710
00:45:30,271 --> 00:45:33,138
Here's a beautiful thing that happened.
Here's a beautiful thing...
711
00:45:33,138 --> 00:45:34,405
It worked.
712
00:45:35,138 --> 00:45:38,405
The whole thing humbled Lola, my God,
713
00:45:38,405 --> 00:45:40,538
'cause Lola got kicked
out of school for real.
714
00:45:40,538 --> 00:45:42,838
So she had to apply
to another high school,
715
00:45:42,838 --> 00:45:46,805
and she had to write essays
explaining why she got kicked out,
716
00:45:46,805 --> 00:45:48,738
and why it would never happen again.
717
00:45:48,738 --> 00:45:51,338
And when it was time
for her to apply for college,
718
00:45:51,338 --> 00:45:55,538
she had to write why she got kicked out,
and why it would never happen again.
719
00:45:55,538 --> 00:45:58,138
And now, three years later,
720
00:45:58,138 --> 00:46:01,738
my daughter, Lola, is one
of the coolest people I have ever met.
721
00:46:01,738 --> 00:46:03,871
She is so amazing.
722
00:46:04,471 --> 00:46:06,671
Lola Rock is amazing.
723
00:46:07,838 --> 00:46:13,538
My daughter, Lola,
goes to culinary school in Paris.
724
00:46:14,971 --> 00:46:15,871
Yeah.
725
00:46:16,705 --> 00:46:19,738
Culinary school. Touché, nigga, touché.
726
00:46:21,605 --> 00:46:25,105
Culinary school in Paris.
727
00:46:25,105 --> 00:46:27,638
That's right.
My greatest achievement, man.
728
00:46:27,638 --> 00:46:31,738
I mean, let's just think about it.
Let's just think about it for a second.
729
00:46:31,738 --> 00:46:37,138
My mother was born in 1945.
730
00:46:37,138 --> 00:46:39,638
My mother was born
in 1945, in a little town
731
00:46:39,638 --> 00:46:42,071
called Georgetown, South Carolina, right?
732
00:46:42,071 --> 00:46:43,971
And my mother told me
733
00:46:43,971 --> 00:46:47,938
when she was a little girl,
it was against the law
734
00:46:47,938 --> 00:46:52,205
for a Black person
to go to a white dentist.
735
00:46:52,905 --> 00:46:56,571
Against the law for a Black person
to go to a white dentist, right?
736
00:46:56,571 --> 00:47:00,005
And if you were a little child
and you needed your teeth taken out,
737
00:47:00,005 --> 00:47:02,438
like all children do,
738
00:47:02,438 --> 00:47:03,771
if you're a little Black child
739
00:47:03,771 --> 00:47:08,671
and you needed your teeth taken out,
and you couldn't find a Black dentist,
740
00:47:08,671 --> 00:47:11,471
you had to go to a vet.
741
00:47:12,805 --> 00:47:16,571
Yeah, motherfucker. A vet in America.
742
00:47:16,571 --> 00:47:19,905
I'm talking about my mother.
I'm not talking about Harriet Tubman.
743
00:47:19,905 --> 00:47:24,105
I'm talking about my mother.
Shit, she's sitting over there, okay?
744
00:47:24,105 --> 00:47:27,971
My mother went to a vet, okay?
745
00:47:29,205 --> 00:47:30,405
Went to a vet.
746
00:47:30,405 --> 00:47:32,405
And think about it.
747
00:47:32,405 --> 00:47:34,405
The same woman that had to go through
748
00:47:34,405 --> 00:47:39,438
the indignity of getting
her teeth taken out by a fucking vet,
749
00:47:39,438 --> 00:47:43,771
the same woman now, twice a year,
750
00:47:43,771 --> 00:47:50,571
gets on a plane, flies to Paris,
and has coffee with her granddaughter,
751
00:47:50,571 --> 00:47:53,071
who is going to culinary school.
752
00:47:54,005 --> 00:47:56,805
Touché, nigga, touché.
753
00:47:58,238 --> 00:47:59,205
Okay?
754
00:48:00,005 --> 00:48:01,938
And Lola, and my mother,
755
00:48:01,938 --> 00:48:05,438
my mother sits her down
and tells her about her life,
756
00:48:05,438 --> 00:48:06,971
and then Lola bites her.
757
00:48:10,138 --> 00:48:11,171
Yes.
758
00:48:12,271 --> 00:48:13,705
Touché, nigga, touché.
759
00:48:14,505 --> 00:48:15,705
Oh, my life is good.
760
00:48:15,705 --> 00:48:19,238
I cannot complain, man. Cannot complain.
761
00:48:19,238 --> 00:48:22,605
You know, I got some bullshit going on,
but it's going good.
762
00:48:22,605 --> 00:48:23,605
I'm single.
763
00:48:24,405 --> 00:48:25,238
I'm single.
764
00:48:25,971 --> 00:48:27,438
Have been single a long time.
765
00:48:27,438 --> 00:48:29,071
I was married for a long time,
766
00:48:29,071 --> 00:48:31,438
you know,
I was dating somebody for a while.
767
00:48:31,438 --> 00:48:33,771
Now I'm single and here's the crazy thing.
768
00:48:33,771 --> 00:48:36,038
You don't even realize
769
00:48:36,571 --> 00:48:39,738
all the amazing little things
a woman does for you
770
00:48:40,371 --> 00:48:41,605
'til you don't have one.
771
00:48:43,571 --> 00:48:44,738
You don't even realize 'em.
772
00:48:44,738 --> 00:48:48,638
Women do so many things
that you don't even realize.
773
00:48:48,638 --> 00:48:50,738
Like the other night,
I'm trying to get some sleep
774
00:48:50,738 --> 00:48:54,238
trying to sleep, couldn't sleep,
trying to sleep, couldn't sleep.
775
00:48:54,938 --> 00:48:56,671
And suddenly it dawned on me, I was like,
776
00:48:57,971 --> 00:48:59,671
"This pillowcase is filthy."
777
00:49:06,105 --> 00:49:08,005
"Are we supposed to change these?"
778
00:49:10,171 --> 00:49:13,105
I flipped it over it was black and greasy.
779
00:49:13,705 --> 00:49:16,571
I was like, "Did Draymond Green
sleep on this part of the bed?"
780
00:49:17,871 --> 00:49:20,171
- That shit was black, man.
- Yeah.
781
00:49:20,171 --> 00:49:21,371
Try to date.
782
00:49:21,371 --> 00:49:23,705
Trying to fucking date is hard.
783
00:49:23,705 --> 00:49:28,038
'Cause on one hand, you know,
I'm loving, I want a real relationship.
784
00:49:28,638 --> 00:49:30,271
"I want a Sunday kind of love."
785
00:49:31,371 --> 00:49:33,605
And the other time,
on the other hand, I'm just a ho.
786
00:49:34,871 --> 00:49:37,071
I'm just bad.
I'm like, "Ah, fuck all this shit."
787
00:49:37,905 --> 00:49:39,638
Like I'm all fucked up, we all got that.
788
00:49:39,638 --> 00:49:42,138
Like, ladies, I will lick your ass
789
00:49:43,638 --> 00:49:45,405
and never call you again.
790
00:49:48,005 --> 00:49:51,071
But if we hold hands, you my girl.
791
00:49:53,671 --> 00:49:54,738
Why is that?
792
00:49:54,738 --> 00:49:59,671
Why is holding hands
more intimate than licking ass?
793
00:50:00,571 --> 00:50:01,938
That don't make no sense.
794
00:50:03,105 --> 00:50:06,005
I'm doing the Netflix special tonight,
I'm making a ton of money,
795
00:50:06,005 --> 00:50:07,871
I might lick somebody's ass tonight.
796
00:50:08,905 --> 00:50:11,438
But I know, I ain't holding nobody's hand.
797
00:50:14,005 --> 00:50:16,238
I know that shit.
798
00:50:16,238 --> 00:50:20,305
I can't tell you every woman I fucked,
but I know every hand I ever held.
799
00:50:22,771 --> 00:50:24,971
I'm trying to date, trying to date.
800
00:50:24,971 --> 00:50:26,905
Trying to date women my age,
801
00:50:27,571 --> 00:50:31,138
which is 10 to 15 years younger than me.
802
00:50:33,538 --> 00:50:36,671
Don't hate the player, hate the game.
803
00:50:37,271 --> 00:50:38,171
You're right.
804
00:50:38,171 --> 00:50:42,638
I didn't get rich and stay in shape
to talk about Anita Baker.
805
00:50:48,605 --> 00:50:50,471
I'm trying to fuck Doja Cat.
806
00:50:59,438 --> 00:51:01,305
Yeah, nigga, yeah.
807
00:51:02,338 --> 00:51:04,505
No, man, a lot of people think
808
00:51:05,071 --> 00:51:07,305
men date younger women
'cause they're younger.
809
00:51:07,305 --> 00:51:09,105
No, not at all.
810
00:51:09,105 --> 00:51:11,805
Men do not date younger women
'cause they're younger.
811
00:51:12,471 --> 00:51:13,938
Men date younger women
812
00:51:15,071 --> 00:51:17,771
'cause they're less expensive to date.
813
00:51:19,171 --> 00:51:21,305
That is what it all boils down to.
814
00:51:21,305 --> 00:51:25,905
See, you go out with a 25-year-old,
she just wants a pair of shoes.
815
00:51:26,305 --> 00:51:29,071
"I saw these shoes.
Can I get these shoes?"
816
00:51:29,071 --> 00:51:31,705
"I saw these shoes.
Can I get these shoes?"
817
00:51:31,705 --> 00:51:34,938
"I really like these shoes.
Can I get these shoes?"
818
00:51:34,938 --> 00:51:36,505
"Can I send you the link?"
819
00:51:37,971 --> 00:51:39,338
"Can I send you the link?"
820
00:51:39,338 --> 00:51:42,905
"I want to get these shoes.
Can I get these shoes?"
821
00:51:42,905 --> 00:51:44,338
"You can Venmo me."
822
00:51:45,138 --> 00:51:47,605
"That's the app
I put on your phone three weeks ago."
823
00:51:48,338 --> 00:51:49,738
"Can I get these shoes?"
824
00:51:50,305 --> 00:51:51,971
And if you're lucky,
825
00:51:51,971 --> 00:51:54,671
your 25-year-old
will model those shoes for you.
826
00:51:54,671 --> 00:51:56,705
That's right.
You go, "Fuck it. Get your shoes."
827
00:51:57,271 --> 00:51:59,771
And if you're lucky,
she will model them for you naked.
828
00:52:00,638 --> 00:52:03,371
She's like, "You like your shoes, Daddy?"
"You like your shoes?"
829
00:52:03,371 --> 00:52:06,671
"You like your shoes,
Daddy?" "You like your shoes?"
830
00:52:06,671 --> 00:52:08,538
And everybody's happy
831
00:52:09,405 --> 00:52:11,705
for the price of a pair of shoes.
832
00:52:12,671 --> 00:52:15,338
That's what it's like
to date a 25 year old.
833
00:52:16,071 --> 00:52:18,138
You go out with a 45, 50?
834
00:52:18,805 --> 00:52:20,605
They want more than shoes.
835
00:52:22,771 --> 00:52:26,305
You go out
with a 45, 50-year-old, she's like,
836
00:52:27,338 --> 00:52:29,438
"Can you help me fix my roof?"
837
00:52:35,905 --> 00:52:36,971
Goddamn.
838
00:52:38,071 --> 00:52:39,771
That ain't sexy at all.
839
00:52:41,571 --> 00:52:44,005
What, I got to get estimates
for this pussy?
840
00:52:47,171 --> 00:52:52,205
I got to see contractors
for this pussy, goddamn.
841
00:52:52,205 --> 00:52:56,371
You go out with a 45, 50-year-old,
they got a house that's falling apart.
842
00:52:57,038 --> 00:52:58,938
They're like,
"You know anybody with a snake?"
843
00:53:00,805 --> 00:53:01,671
A snake?
844
00:53:02,305 --> 00:53:04,205
You don't want my dick to ever get hard.
845
00:53:07,438 --> 00:53:09,338
You go out with a 45, 50-year-old,
846
00:53:09,338 --> 00:53:11,538
they always got a car
that's falling apart.
847
00:53:12,305 --> 00:53:13,671
Car's a piece of shit.
848
00:53:14,438 --> 00:53:18,305
They always got
the worst version of a good car.
849
00:53:20,405 --> 00:53:21,705
The car got a good name,
850
00:53:21,705 --> 00:53:25,171
but they got the worst version
they ever made.
851
00:53:25,171 --> 00:53:27,438
Like a Mercedes 308.
852
00:53:29,205 --> 00:53:30,871
What the fuck's a 308?
853
00:53:31,538 --> 00:53:34,071
Four-cylinder
and you roll the window down?
854
00:53:35,038 --> 00:53:36,571
Who sold you this shit?
855
00:53:38,038 --> 00:53:40,338
They got a Tesla that takes gas.
856
00:53:43,805 --> 00:53:46,171
You're like, "Who sold you this shit?"
857
00:53:47,038 --> 00:53:48,405
What the fuck?
858
00:53:49,205 --> 00:53:51,271
God, man, but the pussy good.
859
00:53:51,271 --> 00:53:54,705
The pussy,
that 45, 50-year-old pussy, it's good.
860
00:53:55,305 --> 00:53:56,838
That's right, it simmered longer.
861
00:53:57,838 --> 00:54:00,471
It's been on the pot a little longer.
862
00:54:01,338 --> 00:54:05,038
That's right, that 45, 50-year-old pussy
is like spaghetti.
863
00:54:06,705 --> 00:54:08,471
It's better the next day.
864
00:54:10,871 --> 00:54:13,971
It really is, really is. Whoo!
865
00:54:13,971 --> 00:54:15,938
It really fucking is.
866
00:54:16,638 --> 00:54:20,138
And they always got a fucked up car
then you get that good pussy.
867
00:54:20,138 --> 00:54:22,438
You get that good 45, 50-year-old pussy
868
00:54:22,438 --> 00:54:24,705
you think you leaving the house,
"Okay, see you later."
869
00:54:24,705 --> 00:54:28,071
And then she's like,
"No, no, no, no, no. I need a favor."
870
00:54:29,671 --> 00:54:33,038
"Can you come with me to the mechanic
to pick up my car?"
871
00:54:34,005 --> 00:54:36,871
"I need you to come 'cause if I go alone
they're gonna take advantage."
872
00:54:38,871 --> 00:54:41,405
So now you gotta go with her
to pick up her car.
873
00:54:41,705 --> 00:54:43,738
You don't even know
what's wrong with the car.
874
00:54:44,738 --> 00:54:45,838
But you gotta go.
875
00:54:46,505 --> 00:54:50,871
And you just standing there
like some sort of sexual scarecrow.
876
00:54:56,871 --> 00:55:01,771
And the mechanic's like, "That's $500,"
and you're like...
877
00:55:07,238 --> 00:55:10,238
And then the mechanic says, "Okay, $450."
878
00:55:11,471 --> 00:55:14,871
And then she goes, "I only got $35."
879
00:55:16,371 --> 00:55:18,871
Bitch, you fucking played me!
880
00:55:19,571 --> 00:55:21,105
I just got your roof fixed.
881
00:55:24,005 --> 00:55:27,105
They say women have all,
they say men have all the power.
882
00:55:27,105 --> 00:55:28,871
They say men have all the power.
883
00:55:29,438 --> 00:55:32,438
But we don't. We don't have all the power.
884
00:55:32,438 --> 00:55:34,438
Women have the power.
885
00:55:35,105 --> 00:55:37,671
You got all the fucking power.
886
00:55:37,671 --> 00:55:38,671
That's right.
887
00:55:38,671 --> 00:55:43,371
'Cause there's nothing more powerful
than female beauty.
888
00:55:44,105 --> 00:55:46,405
Nothing more powerful, that's right.
889
00:55:46,938 --> 00:55:49,538
A beautiful woman can stop traffic.
890
00:55:50,371 --> 00:55:53,538
There is nothing about a man
that can stop traffic.
891
00:55:55,305 --> 00:55:56,205
Now, that's right.
892
00:55:56,205 --> 00:56:00,471
You could be a dead man on a highway
with your dick out
893
00:56:01,738 --> 00:56:04,205
and they will drive around your dead ass.
894
00:56:06,171 --> 00:56:08,905
There's nothing
895
00:56:08,905 --> 00:56:12,671
more powerful than female beauty.
896
00:56:12,671 --> 00:56:15,571
You call it female beauty,
you can call it pussy.
897
00:56:16,471 --> 00:56:18,071
Call it whatever you want, man.
898
00:56:18,071 --> 00:56:20,538
Shit, I've been working,
899
00:56:20,538 --> 00:56:23,438
I've been working
since I was seven years old.
900
00:56:23,438 --> 00:56:25,338
Been working for almost 50 years.
901
00:56:25,871 --> 00:56:28,671
Seven years old!
I used to sweep up at a supermarket.
902
00:56:29,238 --> 00:56:31,505
I've been working
since I was seven years old.
903
00:56:32,305 --> 00:56:36,238
And I have made millions of dollars, okay?
904
00:56:37,205 --> 00:56:40,871
And every dime I have ever made
905
00:56:41,838 --> 00:56:45,205
I have spent it on pussy.
906
00:56:47,605 --> 00:56:49,938
Every fucking cent!
907
00:56:49,938 --> 00:56:53,038
Either pussy or pussy adjacent.
908
00:56:54,571 --> 00:56:56,838
Every fucking dime.
909
00:56:56,838 --> 00:56:59,405
Getting the pussy hair done,
910
00:56:59,405 --> 00:57:01,538
getting the pussy taxes done,
911
00:57:01,538 --> 00:57:03,871
getting the pussy's son into camp,
912
00:57:03,871 --> 00:57:05,805
getting the pussy's tooth fixed,
913
00:57:06,305 --> 00:57:08,805
getting the pussy's driveway done,
914
00:57:08,805 --> 00:57:11,738
getting the pussy's mama
some life insurance,
915
00:57:11,738 --> 00:57:14,271
getting the pussy bunion surgery.
916
00:57:14,871 --> 00:57:19,105
I've paid more college loans off
than Joe Biden.
917
00:57:25,838 --> 00:57:27,005
Motherfucker.
918
00:57:28,538 --> 00:57:30,205
Spent all my money on pussy.
919
00:57:30,205 --> 00:57:33,571
And if I had a chance to do it again
I'd spend it on pussy again.
920
00:57:35,471 --> 00:57:39,671
They say men have all the advantages.
No, we don't.
921
00:57:40,338 --> 00:57:43,605
That's right, man.
Women you got all the advantages.
922
00:57:43,605 --> 00:57:48,138
You ever notice how you can tell
what kind of neighborhood you in?
923
00:57:49,338 --> 00:57:51,905
Just by who's not working?
924
00:57:54,738 --> 00:57:57,838
Think about it for one sec, you can tell
what kind of neighborhood you in
925
00:57:57,838 --> 00:58:00,505
just by who's not working.
926
00:58:00,505 --> 00:58:03,305
If you're in any neighborhood in America,
927
00:58:03,305 --> 00:58:07,938
at 12:15 in the afternoon on a Wednesday,
928
00:58:07,938 --> 00:58:14,205
and you see women with sweatpants on
coming out the gym,
929
00:58:14,205 --> 00:58:17,405
pushing babies, riding bikes.
930
00:58:17,405 --> 00:58:21,371
That's right, having brunch,
going to SoulCycle.
931
00:58:23,138 --> 00:58:25,771
Chances are you're in a nice neighborhood.
932
00:58:26,705 --> 00:58:28,771
There's probably a Whole Foods nearby.
933
00:58:30,105 --> 00:58:35,071
That's right, wherever women ain't working
is an amazing place to live.
934
00:58:35,071 --> 00:58:36,371
That's where I want to live.
935
00:58:36,371 --> 00:58:40,538
I want to live in a place
where women are voluntarily not working.
936
00:58:41,138 --> 00:58:43,805
That is where I want to live.
Now, let's switch it up.
937
00:58:44,738 --> 00:58:47,971
If you're in any neighborhood in America,
938
00:58:47,971 --> 00:58:51,738
at 12:15 in the afternoon on a Wednesday,
939
00:58:51,738 --> 00:58:53,238
and you see men
940
00:58:54,605 --> 00:58:56,005
in sweatpants,
941
00:58:57,138 --> 00:58:58,605
smoking cigarettes,
942
00:58:59,171 --> 00:59:01,171
hanging with their boys,
943
00:59:01,171 --> 00:59:03,671
lifting weights in the yard,
944
00:59:04,305 --> 00:59:07,071
riding children's bicycles,
945
00:59:08,071 --> 00:59:10,571
as their actual transportation,
946
00:59:11,305 --> 00:59:13,438
then you are in danger.
947
00:59:17,638 --> 00:59:22,305
Wherever men don't work
is fucking dangerous, that's right.
948
00:59:22,838 --> 00:59:25,871
That's right, that's right,
women have all the power, shit.
949
00:59:25,871 --> 00:59:28,638
My ex-wife is the smartest woman I know.
950
00:59:29,471 --> 00:59:31,505
She got just as much money as me
951
00:59:32,138 --> 00:59:33,871
ain't funny at all.
952
00:59:40,371 --> 00:59:42,205
God bless her. God bless her.
953
00:59:42,205 --> 00:59:46,471
Nothing more powerful
than female beauty. Nothing.
954
00:59:46,471 --> 00:59:48,505
Just look at Beyoncé.
955
00:59:49,738 --> 00:59:52,238
Whoo! Can't wait for that tour.
956
00:59:53,371 --> 00:59:55,771
That's right, man, Beyoncé.
Now I know she talented.
957
00:59:55,771 --> 00:59:59,438
She is so talented, man.
She's extremely talented.
958
00:59:59,971 --> 01:00:01,938
But even with all that talent
959
01:00:02,905 --> 01:00:05,338
ain't nothing more powerful
than the beauty.
960
01:00:06,305 --> 01:00:08,738
Beyoncé is one of the finest motherfuckers
961
01:00:09,371 --> 01:00:10,605
I have ever seen.
962
01:00:11,971 --> 01:00:15,438
Beyoncé is fine, motherfucker. Shit.
963
01:00:15,438 --> 01:00:17,338
Beyoncé is so fine
964
01:00:18,571 --> 01:00:20,905
that if she worked at Burger King
965
01:00:22,538 --> 01:00:24,538
she could still marry Jay-Z.
966
01:00:27,338 --> 01:00:28,805
That's how fine she is.
967
01:00:28,805 --> 01:00:30,371
She could still get her
968
01:00:30,371 --> 01:00:33,938
a billionaire, great, rapping,
fucking businessman.
969
01:00:33,938 --> 01:00:38,571
She is so fine that if she worked
at Burger King,
970
01:00:38,571 --> 01:00:40,738
she could still marry Jay-Z.
971
01:00:42,005 --> 01:00:45,371
Now if Jay-Z worked at Burger King...
972
01:00:50,105 --> 01:00:52,305
No, no, no, women got the power.
973
01:00:52,305 --> 01:00:55,238
By the way, that is not a Jay-Z diss.
974
01:00:55,838 --> 01:00:59,105
I do not need another rapper
mad at me, okay?
975
01:01:00,038 --> 01:01:01,105
I don't need it.
976
01:01:02,238 --> 01:01:04,205
I don't need that smoke.
977
01:01:04,205 --> 01:01:06,371
I'm, like, The Rock. The Rock.
978
01:01:06,371 --> 01:01:09,805
I do not need the smoke.
Y'all know what happened to me.
979
01:01:09,905 --> 01:01:12,105
Getting smacked by Suge Smith.
980
01:01:15,938 --> 01:01:17,805
Everybody knows.
981
01:01:17,905 --> 01:01:20,571
Everybody fucking knows.
982
01:01:20,571 --> 01:01:24,738
Yes! It happened.
I got smacked like a year ago,
983
01:01:24,738 --> 01:01:26,638
fucking last week, I got smacked
984
01:01:26,638 --> 01:01:29,271
at the fucking Oscars
by this motherfucker.
985
01:01:29,371 --> 01:01:31,038
And people like, "Did it hurt?"
986
01:01:31,038 --> 01:01:32,438
It still hurts.
987
01:01:34,305 --> 01:01:36,538
I got "Summertime" ringing in my ear.
988
01:01:41,771 --> 01:01:44,238
Fucking drums, please.
989
01:01:46,005 --> 01:01:47,505
But I'm not a victim, baby.
990
01:01:47,505 --> 01:01:51,338
You will never see me
on Oprah or Gayle crying.
991
01:01:52,905 --> 01:01:54,171
You will never see it.
992
01:01:55,205 --> 01:01:56,905
Never gonna happen.
993
01:01:56,905 --> 01:02:00,338
I couldn't believe it
and I love Men in Black.
994
01:02:00,338 --> 01:02:01,238
No.
995
01:02:02,071 --> 01:02:05,838
It's never gonna happen. No.
996
01:02:05,838 --> 01:02:09,138
Fuck that shit. I took that hit
like Pacquiao, motherfucker.
997
01:02:13,138 --> 01:02:17,871
I took it
like motherfucking Pacquiao, okay?
998
01:02:17,871 --> 01:02:19,605
Shit, man.
999
01:02:19,605 --> 01:02:20,671
Did it hurt?
1000
01:02:20,671 --> 01:02:22,571
Yeah, it motherfucking hurt.
1001
01:02:22,671 --> 01:02:25,271
People are all, "You guys
are fighting all the time."
1002
01:02:25,271 --> 01:02:28,505
We're not fighting. First of all,
I know you can't tell on camera.
1003
01:02:28,505 --> 01:02:31,638
Will Smith is
significantly bigger than me.
1004
01:02:32,405 --> 01:02:35,338
We're not the same size, okay?
1005
01:02:35,338 --> 01:02:36,705
We're not.
1006
01:02:36,705 --> 01:02:39,738
This guy mostly does movies
with his shirt off.
1007
01:02:40,438 --> 01:02:43,405
You've never seen me
do a movie with my shirt off.
1008
01:02:45,838 --> 01:02:48,705
If I'm in a movie
getting open heart surgery,
1009
01:02:48,805 --> 01:02:50,305
I got on a sweater.
1010
01:02:56,205 --> 01:02:59,271
Will Smith played Muhammad Ali in a movie.
1011
01:02:59,271 --> 01:03:01,338
You think I auditioned for that part?
1012
01:03:02,605 --> 01:03:05,771
He played Muhammad Ali.
I played Pookie in New Jack City.
1013
01:03:14,471 --> 01:03:16,271
Pookie, motherfucker.
1014
01:03:16,271 --> 01:03:18,805
I played a piece of corn in Pootie Tang.
1015
01:03:20,638 --> 01:03:23,538
Shit, even in animation,
this motherfucker is bigger.
1016
01:03:23,538 --> 01:03:25,305
I am zebra. He's a shark.
1017
01:03:26,505 --> 01:03:27,938
What the fuck, man?
1018
01:03:27,938 --> 01:03:30,138
But... But,
1019
01:03:30,138 --> 01:03:36,071
Will Smith practices selective outrage.
1020
01:03:37,705 --> 01:03:41,838
Practices selective outrage.
1021
01:03:41,838 --> 01:03:44,105
'Cause everybody knows
what the fuck happened.
1022
01:03:44,105 --> 01:03:45,805
Everybody that really knows
1023
01:03:45,805 --> 01:03:48,038
knows that I had nothing to do
with that shit.
1024
01:03:48,038 --> 01:03:50,638
I didn't have any entanglement.
1025
01:03:55,938 --> 01:03:56,771
I didn't.
1026
01:03:58,005 --> 01:04:00,038
I did not have any entanglement.
1027
01:04:00,038 --> 01:04:02,405
For people that don't know
what everybody knows.
1028
01:04:02,505 --> 01:04:07,671
Will Smith, his wife was fucking
her son's friend, okay?
1029
01:04:08,405 --> 01:04:12,205
Now, I normally
would not talk about this shit.
1030
01:04:12,971 --> 01:04:16,205
But for some reason, these niggas put
that shit on the Internet.
1031
01:04:17,471 --> 01:04:23,405
I have no idea why two talented people
would do something that fucking low down.
1032
01:04:23,405 --> 01:04:24,471
What the fuck?
1033
01:04:24,471 --> 01:04:26,338
We all been cheated on.
1034
01:04:26,338 --> 01:04:28,471
Everybody in here had been cheated on.
1035
01:04:28,471 --> 01:04:31,405
None of us have ever been interviewed
1036
01:04:31,405 --> 01:04:35,005
by the person
that cheated on us on television.
1037
01:04:35,838 --> 01:04:36,938
None of us.
1038
01:04:37,605 --> 01:04:40,238
It's like, "Hey, I was sucking
somebody else's dick."
1039
01:04:40,238 --> 01:04:41,805
"How did that make you feel?"
1040
01:04:51,905 --> 01:04:54,971
Why the fuck would you do that shit?
1041
01:04:54,971 --> 01:04:58,705
She hurt him way more
than he hurt me. Okay?
1042
01:04:59,238 --> 01:05:00,371
Okay?
1043
01:05:00,371 --> 01:05:02,571
And by the way, he does that shit,
1044
01:05:02,571 --> 01:05:06,438
everybody in the world called him a bitch.
1045
01:05:06,438 --> 01:05:09,471
I tried to call the motherfucker
and give him my condolences.
1046
01:05:09,471 --> 01:05:10,671
He ain't pick up for me.
1047
01:05:10,671 --> 01:05:15,138
Everybody called that man a bitch.
1048
01:05:15,138 --> 01:05:18,405
Fucking Charlamagne called him a bitch.
1049
01:05:18,405 --> 01:05:20,705
The Breakfast Club called him a bitch.
1050
01:05:20,705 --> 01:05:26,671
And The View and The Talk
and every rapper and the Drink Champs
1051
01:05:26,671 --> 01:05:28,838
called him a fucking bitch.
1052
01:05:28,838 --> 01:05:32,738
Everybody called him a bitch
and called his wife a predator.
1053
01:05:32,738 --> 01:05:34,771
Everybody called him a bitch.
1054
01:05:38,571 --> 01:05:39,471
Everybody!
1055
01:05:40,671 --> 01:05:41,571
Everybody!
1056
01:05:42,771 --> 01:05:44,938
And who does he hit? Me.
1057
01:05:48,205 --> 01:05:52,205
A nigga he know he could beat.
That is some bitch-ass shit.
1058
01:05:59,038 --> 01:06:01,505
That's what the fuck happened, okay?
1059
01:06:02,105 --> 01:06:04,305
Get the fuck out of here, man.
1060
01:06:04,305 --> 01:06:09,605
What the fuck?
I do nothing to this motherfucker, okay?
1061
01:06:09,605 --> 01:06:13,438
Whatever. Years ago, his wife
said I should quit the Oscars.
1062
01:06:13,438 --> 01:06:14,405
I shouldn't host.
1063
01:06:15,371 --> 01:06:20,671
She fucking said, "He should quit 'cause
Will didn't get nominated for Concussion."
1064
01:06:20,671 --> 01:06:21,838
What the fuck?
1065
01:06:22,405 --> 01:06:25,371
What the fuck? So then I do
some jokes about her. Who gives a fuck?
1066
01:06:25,371 --> 01:06:28,338
That's how it is. She started it.
I finished it. Okay?
1067
01:06:28,338 --> 01:06:30,171
That's what the fuck happened.
1068
01:06:30,171 --> 01:06:32,405
Nobody was picking on this bitch.
1069
01:06:32,405 --> 01:06:33,971
She started this shit.
1070
01:06:36,271 --> 01:06:37,605
Nobody was picking on her.
1071
01:06:39,738 --> 01:06:42,438
Nobody was picking on her.
1072
01:06:42,438 --> 01:06:46,871
She said, me, a fucking grown-ass man
should quit his job
1073
01:06:46,871 --> 01:06:49,938
'cause her husband
didn't get nominated for Concussion.
1074
01:06:49,938 --> 01:06:53,038
And then this nigga gives me
a fucking concussion, okay?
1075
01:06:53,805 --> 01:06:55,871
What the fuck, man?
1076
01:06:55,871 --> 01:06:59,771
I love Will Smith.
My whole life, I love this nigga.
1077
01:06:59,771 --> 01:07:03,705
I saw him opened up for Run-DMC
at the Nassau Coliseum.
1078
01:07:03,705 --> 01:07:05,705
These niggas made brand-new funk.
1079
01:07:05,705 --> 01:07:09,905
I love this nigga.
He made some great movies.
1080
01:07:09,905 --> 01:07:13,771
I've rooted for Will Smith my whole life.
1081
01:07:13,771 --> 01:07:15,638
I root for this motherfucker, okay?
1082
01:07:15,738 --> 01:07:20,905
And now, I watch Emancipation
just to see him get whooped.
1083
01:07:24,705 --> 01:07:27,338
It got me rooting for Massa, okay?
1084
01:07:28,171 --> 01:07:29,938
Hit him again, Massa.
1085
01:07:29,938 --> 01:07:31,338
Hit him again!
1086
01:07:32,771 --> 01:07:34,905
You missed a spot, Massa.
1087
01:07:35,471 --> 01:07:36,871
You missed a spot.
1088
01:07:38,838 --> 01:07:42,105
A lot of people go, "Chris, how come
you didn't do nothing back."
1089
01:07:42,105 --> 01:07:44,605
"How come you didn't do
nothing back that night?"
1090
01:07:45,105 --> 01:07:47,538
'Cause I got parents. That's why.
1091
01:07:47,538 --> 01:07:50,605
'Cause I was raised, okay?
1092
01:07:53,105 --> 01:07:54,771
I've got parents.
1093
01:07:55,371 --> 01:07:57,571
You know what my parents taught me.
1094
01:07:57,571 --> 01:08:00,105
Don't fight in front of white people.85885
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
