Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,020 --> 00:00:02,610
Hands up where I can see 'em!
2
00:00:02,610 --> 00:00:04,450
♪
3
00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:06,030
Good gravy, it's Harriet Tubman!
4
00:00:06,030 --> 00:00:08,030
The inventor of the... tub?
5
00:00:08,030 --> 00:00:10,580
How did these dumb asses enslave us?
6
00:00:10,570 --> 00:00:12,110
♪
7
00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:13,370
Roll it!
8
00:00:14,660 --> 00:00:16,250
- I'm Kublai Khan.
- Amelia Earhart.
9
00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:17,330
The Romanovs!
10
00:00:17,330 --> 00:00:18,830
SIGMUND FREUD:
I am Sigmund Freud.
11
00:00:18,830 --> 00:00:20,750
Join me for my Masturbate.
12
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:22,750
Masterclass. What?
13
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:26,180
- Who are you?
- Some call me Jesus Christ, son of God.
14
00:00:26,170 --> 00:00:27,710
Some call him broke and corny.
15
00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:29,930
♪
16
00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:30,760
Oh, hello!
17
00:00:33,140 --> 00:00:34,520
Okay, that's actually crazy.
18
00:00:37,310 --> 00:00:38,690
Mwah!
[cheering]
19
00:00:40,940 --> 00:00:43,530
Noah, you were supposed to get
two of every animal.
20
00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:45,230
I got two Chihuahuas.
Two pugs.
21
00:00:45,230 --> 00:00:47,400
I got three pugs. Don't tell God.
22
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:50,320
♪
23
00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:57,580
MEL BROOKS:
Hello. I'm American treasure Mel Brooks.
24
00:00:57,580 --> 00:00:59,960
To some of you, I'm a hero.
25
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,710
To others, merely a legend.
26
00:01:02,710 --> 00:01:05,250
Over 40 years ago, I wrote and directed
27
00:01:05,250 --> 00:01:07,500
History of the World, Part I,
28
00:01:07,510 --> 00:01:09,600
a sketch comedy movie that showed
29
00:01:09,590 --> 00:01:11,630
the real side of history.
30
00:01:11,630 --> 00:01:14,840
I also starred in it.
Maybe a mistake.
31
00:01:14,850 --> 00:01:17,900
So when I was approached
by somebody named Hulu
32
00:01:17,890 --> 00:01:20,680
to make a sequel, I had two conditions.
33
00:01:20,690 --> 00:01:22,860
One, they had to make me look
34
00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:26,150
exactly how I did in 1981.
35
00:01:26,150 --> 00:01:29,280
And here I am.
Exactly what I looked like.
36
00:01:30,030 --> 00:01:31,700
Who knew there were muscles here?
37
00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:36,000
Anyway, my other stipulation
was all original material.
38
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:39,240
Nothing from Part I, no repeats.
39
00:01:39,250 --> 00:01:41,250
So, without further ado,
40
00:01:41,250 --> 00:01:42,880
I present to you...
41
00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:45,830
History of the World, Part II!
42
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,840
Hey, guys! Look at me! I'm swole.
43
00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:52,800
♪ triumphant brass music ♪
44
00:01:54,970 --> 00:01:57,970
History of the World, Part II!
45
00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:05,900
♪ theme ends ♪
46
00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:07,440
The Civil War.
47
00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:09,360
♪
48
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,030
[distant cannon fire]
49
00:02:11,030 --> 00:02:13,820
The Civil War was in its final days.
50
00:02:13,820 --> 00:02:16,780
We're talking about the one in the 1860s,
51
00:02:16,780 --> 00:02:19,410
not the one coming up in 2024.
52
00:02:19,410 --> 00:02:20,750
[cannon blast]
53
00:02:20,750 --> 00:02:25,420
The South was on its last legs
as the Union Army closed in,
54
00:02:25,420 --> 00:02:30,880
and at the head of that army
was the lushly bearded Ulysses S. Grant.
55
00:02:32,170 --> 00:02:34,210
Who was also a bit of a lush.
56
00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:36,760
- General Grant.
- [chuckling] Hi, Pam, how are ya?
57
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:38,140
Big win out there.
58
00:02:38,140 --> 00:02:40,180
What is going through your mind right now?
[sighs]
59
00:02:40,180 --> 00:02:42,770
Well, we lost 4,000 men out there.
They're dead.
60
00:02:42,770 --> 00:02:45,610
But we did kill 6,000 of their guys,
61
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,270
but a lot of their guys
were related to our guys,
62
00:02:47,270 --> 00:02:48,900
so it's a lot of mixed
emotions right now, Pam.
63
00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:50,900
They say the war is almost over.
64
00:02:50,900 --> 00:02:53,860
If the North wins,
will you go to Disneyland?
65
00:02:53,860 --> 00:02:56,490
Well, that depends,
do they have a bar? [laughs] JK.
66
00:02:56,490 --> 00:02:59,200
I'll hang you both
if you dump that on me.
67
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,240
Great to see you, Pam. Take care.
68
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,740
SOLDIER 1: Please don't take my arm, sir.
I'm a drummer.
69
00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:05,290
Can I get a dull saw?
70
00:03:05,290 --> 00:03:06,670
SOLDIER 2:
Tell me, doc, will it hurt?
71
00:03:06,670 --> 00:03:08,840
DOCTOR: When we amputate your head? Yeah.
[slow fiddle playing]
72
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,760
SOLDIER 3:
Play Devil Went Down to Georgia!
73
00:03:10,750 --> 00:03:13,710
SOLDIER 4: We don't have the rights!
SOLDIER 3: Just do a sound alike!
74
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:16,640
♪ lively fiddling ♪
75
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:19,010
Hold on, everyone. Daddy's comin'.
76
00:03:19,010 --> 00:03:20,890
Daddy's home. Come to Papa.
77
00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:24,390
- SOLDIER 5: Sir!
- [spits] What is it?!
78
00:03:24,390 --> 00:03:27,140
President Lincoln
is in your quarters, sir!
79
00:03:27,150 --> 00:03:30,610
I know! Dismissed.
[distant explosion]
80
00:03:30,610 --> 00:03:31,610
[sighs]
81
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:33,730
Fuck!
82
00:03:33,740 --> 00:03:36,830
♪ gentle music ♪
83
00:03:36,820 --> 00:03:39,070
[fire crackling]
84
00:03:39,070 --> 00:03:40,570
[static]
85
00:03:41,910 --> 00:03:45,290
- Mr. President.
- Oh, there he is!
86
00:03:45,290 --> 00:03:47,500
H-h-hey-- Oh!
[clang]
87
00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:49,710
Stephen Douglas' dick hole!
88
00:03:49,710 --> 00:03:51,420
- [groans]
- Are you okay, sir?
89
00:03:51,420 --> 00:03:52,670
Yes, I'm fine.
90
00:03:52,670 --> 00:03:55,090
- Have a seat, Ulysses, have a seat.
- Alright.
91
00:03:55,090 --> 00:03:57,090
[sighs] Oh.
[horse whinnies outside]
92
00:03:57,090 --> 00:03:58,550
Mr. President, you look exhausted.
93
00:03:58,550 --> 00:04:00,890
This war has taken a toll on you, sir.
94
00:04:00,890 --> 00:04:03,390
It's not the war.
It's my height.
95
00:04:03,390 --> 00:04:04,680
I mean, look at me!
96
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:06,470
They don't make things
for a big boy like me!
97
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:07,770
I mean-- [grunts]
98
00:04:07,770 --> 00:04:09,440
Look at these pants, Ulysses.
99
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:12,360
Look at that!
They're basically capris.
100
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,900
I'm a big boy!
I need big boy pants!
101
00:04:14,900 --> 00:04:16,610
I will say they look kind of fun,
102
00:04:16,610 --> 00:04:18,740
somethin' you could wear
at a summer party, maybe.
103
00:04:18,740 --> 00:04:19,740
Look, anyways.
104
00:04:20,950 --> 00:04:22,870
I have heard some grumblings
105
00:04:22,870 --> 00:04:25,960
and that your imbibing
has gotten a bit out of control.
106
00:04:25,950 --> 00:04:27,990
- My imbibing? Who told you that?
- Mm-hmm.
107
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:30,630
Was it Sheridan?
Because he's addicted to laudanum.
108
00:04:30,630 --> 00:04:32,420
Look, I don't drink a lot, you know?
109
00:04:32,420 --> 00:04:34,380
Like, maybe, like, a little bit,
like, on a holiday or some--
110
00:04:34,380 --> 00:04:35,920
[flask clanking]
111
00:04:38,170 --> 00:04:39,170
[sighs]
112
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:43,630
I believe today is what
the Hebrews call Pesach, sir.
113
00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:47,730
No more alcohol until the war is over!
114
00:04:47,730 --> 00:04:49,770
Do you understand me, Ulysses?
115
00:04:49,770 --> 00:04:51,360
[roars]
116
00:04:51,350 --> 00:04:52,690
[spits, sighs]
117
00:04:52,690 --> 00:04:54,860
Yeah, sure, fine. I don't need a drink.
[clatters]
118
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:56,280
- [sighs]
- Good.
119
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,660
Alright, there is one more thing
that I need to talk to you about.
120
00:04:58,650 --> 00:04:59,990
It's about my son, Robert Todd.
121
00:04:59,990 --> 00:05:01,200
Your son.
122
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,500
He has been begging me to enlist,
and now that the war
123
00:05:04,490 --> 00:05:07,910
is nearly over, I feel like
this is the perfect time to just...
124
00:05:07,910 --> 00:05:09,830
- get him in there.
- Once all the regular fighters have...
125
00:05:09,830 --> 00:05:11,370
- Yes, yes, abs--
- ...given their lives
126
00:05:11,370 --> 00:05:14,040
and bled and lost their legs, now
you wanna sneak in your little Harvard boy
127
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:15,170
for a couple days on the course.
128
00:05:15,170 --> 00:05:16,460
Yes! No, you understand!
129
00:05:16,460 --> 00:05:18,750
- Gotcha, gotcha, okay.
- Absolutely. He's a good boy.
130
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:20,180
You know, I want you to look after him.
131
00:05:20,170 --> 00:05:22,550
Mr. President, I want you to know,
132
00:05:22,550 --> 00:05:23,800
I won't let the boy out of my sight.
133
00:05:23,930 --> 00:05:25,640
Oh, good, good, good. Robert Todd!
[glass shattering]
134
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:27,930
- Oh, Jesus! Good lord!
- Goddammit!
135
00:05:27,930 --> 00:05:29,720
I have legs for arms!
136
00:05:30,310 --> 00:05:31,600
That was a gift from my wife.
[clang]
137
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,100
Ow! Goddammit!
138
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,350
RT!
139
00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,110
♪
140
00:05:36,110 --> 00:05:37,450
General Grant, sir!
141
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:38,570
It is an honor, sir!
142
00:05:38,570 --> 00:05:41,570
I have been a huge fan my entire life!
143
00:05:41,570 --> 00:05:44,700
- And how long is that, young man?
- One score and two years.
144
00:05:44,700 --> 00:05:46,910
That means 22 in our secret language.
145
00:05:46,910 --> 00:05:48,620
- Come on over here! Come over here.
- Right.
146
00:05:48,620 --> 00:05:51,250
There's my big, strong boy. Watch this.
147
00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:52,670
I trained him well. Look at this.
148
00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:54,920
What do I have?
You've trained for this.
149
00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:56,050
- What do I have?
- My nose.
150
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,420
Yes! Can you get it?
Can you reattach it?
151
00:05:58,420 --> 00:06:00,300
[horse whinnying]
152
00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:02,680
First try. Good job, son.
153
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:03,770
Seems like a great kid.
154
00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:05,760
He's in good hands, Mr. President.
155
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:07,760
Alright. [sighs]
156
00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:10,220
♪ somber music ♪
157
00:06:10,230 --> 00:06:12,730
The Union state is in your hands, Ulysses.
158
00:06:14,020 --> 00:06:15,020
End this war.
159
00:06:15,020 --> 00:06:16,520
Yes, Mr. President.
160
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:18,060
[pats shoulder]
[horse whinnying]
161
00:06:18,820 --> 00:06:22,950
And I have every soldier
in the entire state of Virginia
162
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:26,370
on orders to deny you alcohol.
Is that understood?
163
00:06:26,870 --> 00:06:28,250
[both growl]
164
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:30,160
- Yes, sir.
- Good.
165
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:33,330
[smack]
Goddammit!
166
00:06:33,330 --> 00:06:35,040
That is gonna be the worst thing
167
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,540
that's gonna happen to my head all year.
168
00:06:38,340 --> 00:06:40,630
- Thanks for comin' by, sir.
- Good to see you.
169
00:06:40,630 --> 00:06:42,420
♪
170
00:06:42,420 --> 00:06:43,880
General Grant, sir.
171
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,420
Would you do me the honor of regaling me
172
00:06:46,430 --> 00:06:48,600
with your most horrifying war stories?
173
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:52,270
I mean, I really wanna know what it's like
to see the-the light
174
00:06:52,270 --> 00:06:54,400
drain out of a man's eye by your own hand.
175
00:06:54,390 --> 00:06:55,600
[click]
General, no!
176
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,190
Ah! Damn it!
177
00:06:57,190 --> 00:06:59,280
Who drank all my gun whiskey?!
178
00:06:59,270 --> 00:07:01,810
[angry growl] Okay.
179
00:07:01,820 --> 00:07:03,490
Think, Ulysses, think.
180
00:07:03,490 --> 00:07:04,870
♪
181
00:07:04,860 --> 00:07:06,490
I have decided
182
00:07:06,490 --> 00:07:08,950
that you are ready to join me
on a top-secret mission,
183
00:07:08,950 --> 00:07:10,490
but I'm warning you right now.
184
00:07:10,490 --> 00:07:12,450
It's gonna be very, very whiskey.
185
00:07:12,450 --> 00:07:14,410
Risky. Are you in?
186
00:07:14,410 --> 00:07:16,500
I will follow you
to the gates of Hell, sir.
187
00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:18,750
It's worse than that, son.
188
00:07:18,750 --> 00:07:20,000
We're goin' to West Virginia.
189
00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:22,590
No... No...
190
00:07:22,590 --> 00:07:24,170
♪ dramatic sting ♪
191
00:07:24,170 --> 00:07:25,460
No!
192
00:07:25,470 --> 00:07:26,970
[gong clanging]
193
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,220
MEL:
The Kama Sutra.
194
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:35,350
♪ sitar music ♪
195
00:07:35,350 --> 00:07:37,900
Thank you for having me to,
uh, pitch my new book idea.
196
00:07:37,900 --> 00:07:39,740
- Well, thank you for coming.
We're big fans.
- Ah.
197
00:07:39,730 --> 00:07:41,440
I'm a simple guy.
[soft laugh]
198
00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,400
I like eating soup. I like having sex.
199
00:07:44,070 --> 00:07:45,990
If I'm not going "slurp, slurp, slurp,"
200
00:07:45,990 --> 00:07:46,990
I'm eating soup.
201
00:07:46,990 --> 00:07:48,870
- [both laugh]
- I like that.
202
00:07:48,870 --> 00:07:51,500
And so, this really brings
my two passions together.
203
00:07:51,490 --> 00:07:55,240
I have created hundreds
of tasty soup recipes
204
00:07:55,250 --> 00:07:59,420
and paired them with the perfect
corresponding sexual position.
205
00:07:59,420 --> 00:08:03,130
I call it
Kama Souptra, From Soup to Nuts!
206
00:08:03,130 --> 00:08:05,470
BOTH:
From soup to nuts!
207
00:08:05,470 --> 00:08:07,140
Oh, okay. Well, that's very clever.
208
00:08:07,130 --> 00:08:09,380
Alright, here we go. First one.
209
00:08:10,260 --> 00:08:13,220
Lamb stew, you know,
paired with the simple missionary.
210
00:08:13,220 --> 00:08:15,470
It's warm. It's comforting.
Everyone likes it.
211
00:08:16,810 --> 00:08:18,230
Now we're getting a little more fun.
212
00:08:18,230 --> 00:08:21,730
Leek soup. For obvious reasons,
you're gonna need a tarp for this one.
213
00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:24,650
Ooh! Love this one.
214
00:08:24,650 --> 00:08:27,400
Summer gazpacho. That's when you
and your lover share a chilled soup
215
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:28,780
while fucking on a cold tile counter.
216
00:08:28,780 --> 00:08:30,870
Wait, that looks so much like your wife.
217
00:08:30,870 --> 00:08:33,620
That is my wife!
And that's my neighbor Prakash.
218
00:08:33,620 --> 00:08:34,660
- Oh.
- Moving on.
219
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,870
[gasps] Let me guess.
That's chowder.
220
00:08:37,870 --> 00:08:40,040
That's exactly right.
And before you ask,
221
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,380
this position pairs just as well with
New England or Manhattan chowder.
222
00:08:43,380 --> 00:08:44,920
♪ sitar continues ♪
223
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,670
Spinach artichoke. It's vegan,
224
00:08:46,670 --> 00:08:48,420
pairs well
with a nice light choking.
225
00:08:48,420 --> 00:08:51,010
See, I've always been
a little reluctant to go there.
226
00:08:51,010 --> 00:08:53,180
Oh yeah, people are afraid to go vegan,
but it's very satisfying.
227
00:08:53,890 --> 00:08:58,480
Ooh! Uh, this is a slow-cook recipe
for a tantric mushroom and barley soup.
228
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:01,530
For when you wanna
take 12 hours to climax.
229
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:04,360
- Oh. What does that taste like?
- Who does that?
230
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,610
It tastes like your
wife fucking the neighbor.
231
00:09:07,150 --> 00:09:08,990
- Oh, Prakash.
- Prakash.
232
00:09:08,990 --> 00:09:10,910
VATSYAYANA:
Yeah, Prakash sucks. Anyways,
233
00:09:10,910 --> 00:09:13,790
since we don't want this
to be a tantric meeting,
234
00:09:13,780 --> 00:09:15,160
should I just fly through a bunch of 'em?
235
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,410
[laughs]
Keep it moving?
236
00:09:16,410 --> 00:09:17,410
Here we go.
237
00:09:17,950 --> 00:09:20,870
Egg drop soup. No muss, no fuss,
for when you wanna make a baby.
238
00:09:20,870 --> 00:09:23,080
This is a simple recipe for tortellini,
239
00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:24,920
the butthole of pastas. It's fun,
240
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:27,970
but you're gonna need some oil
and good communication.
241
00:09:28,510 --> 00:09:30,720
Italian wedding.
That's when fuck your aunt
242
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,100
while she yells at your cousin
for not becoming a cop.
243
00:09:33,850 --> 00:09:34,850
Butternut squash!
244
00:09:34,850 --> 00:09:36,940
That's when she butters your nuts
till you squash.
245
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:40,190
I have many more.
Should I keep going or...
246
00:09:40,770 --> 00:09:42,730
I don't think that's gonna be necessary.
247
00:09:42,730 --> 00:09:44,400
♪ somber music ♪
248
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,690
Because we love it!
[publishers laughing]
249
00:09:46,690 --> 00:09:48,360
- You do?
- We just have one little note.
250
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:49,700
- Yes.
- Okay,
251
00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:52,150
we don't want the soup.
We just want the sex positions.
252
00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,790
Okay, that's actually crazy
253
00:09:54,780 --> 00:09:56,530
because the soup is what's
gonna make this book
254
00:09:56,530 --> 00:09:57,740
a best seller for a thousand years.
255
00:09:57,740 --> 00:09:58,660
BOTH:
Mm...
256
00:09:58,660 --> 00:10:00,620
You know what?
I am not a pornographer.
257
00:10:00,620 --> 00:10:02,750
I do not make art to get people off.
258
00:10:02,750 --> 00:10:05,130
I make art to get people off
and fill their bellies
259
00:10:05,130 --> 00:10:08,010
with a nice bowl of soup,
stew, chowder, or bisque.
260
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,340
If you don't get that,
maybe this is not the place for me.
261
00:10:10,340 --> 00:10:12,010
PUBLISHER:
Oh, oh...
262
00:10:12,010 --> 00:10:14,680
- So we're just gonna steal the idea, right?
- Absolutely.
263
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,600
♪ sitar music concludes ♪
264
00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:22,400
MEL:
The Russian Revolution.
265
00:10:22,390 --> 00:10:24,270
♪ Russian music, singing ♪
266
00:10:24,270 --> 00:10:26,270
Russia, 1918.
267
00:10:26,270 --> 00:10:28,940
The Romanov family clings to power
268
00:10:28,940 --> 00:10:31,480
as Vlad Lenin and the Bolsheviks
269
00:10:31,490 --> 00:10:33,410
lead the communist revolution.
270
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,280
Meanwhile, in the countryside,
271
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:38,280
my people did what they
had done for centuries.
272
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:40,240
Be poor Jews.
273
00:10:40,250 --> 00:10:43,550
- Real estate! Real estate!
- Get your dream hut...
274
00:10:43,540 --> 00:10:46,500
BOTH:
From Property Brothers Karamazov!
275
00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:48,750
Bot seeds! Bot seeds!
276
00:10:48,750 --> 00:10:52,000
You can't have a Russian bot farm
without bot seeds!
277
00:10:52,010 --> 00:10:53,600
Serf-boards!
278
00:10:53,590 --> 00:10:55,760
Put your serf on a board!
279
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:59,140
Mud pies! Get your mud pies!
280
00:10:59,140 --> 00:11:02,440
Get your mud pies from me, Schmuck Mudman!
281
00:11:02,430 --> 00:11:04,640
Made with the abject suffering
282
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:07,390
and eczema of the Jewish diaspora.
283
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:10,990
All you need to do
is add war-der. [laughs]
284
00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:12,520
[goats bleat, chickens cluck]
285
00:11:12,530 --> 00:11:14,450
Joshy, my sweet son, come, come help me
286
00:11:14,450 --> 00:11:17,290
with the family business!
[annoyed groan]
287
00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:20,370
I don't care about
the family business, Dad!
288
00:11:20,370 --> 00:11:22,580
All I care about is falling in love,
289
00:11:22,580 --> 00:11:24,960
and I'll never meet the girl of my dreams
290
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,380
if I'm selling... mud pies.
291
00:11:27,380 --> 00:11:29,840
That's not true.
I met your mother selling mud pies!
292
00:11:30,550 --> 00:11:31,970
Her father came in, bought one,
293
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,460
got absolutely horrible food poisoning,
and, as punishment,
294
00:11:35,470 --> 00:11:37,930
he made me marry
his most difficult daur-der.
295
00:11:37,930 --> 00:11:39,600
I don't want an arranged marriage.
296
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:40,730
I can arrange that.
297
00:11:41,180 --> 00:11:43,680
Joshy, don't you see
that when you submit
298
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:47,060
to a higher force,
good things can happen?
299
00:11:47,060 --> 00:11:48,980
It's all about submission.
300
00:11:48,980 --> 00:11:51,730
♪ Fiddler on the Roof -style music ♪
301
00:11:51,730 --> 00:11:55,400
♪ Submission, submission! ♪
302
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,070
♪ When you yield to a superior force ♪
303
00:11:57,070 --> 00:11:58,660
Hey, shut up! Sha!
304
00:11:58,660 --> 00:12:00,910
Sha! Stop the song. We need to talk.
[song ends]
305
00:12:00,910 --> 00:12:02,490
Go inside now.
306
00:12:02,490 --> 00:12:05,240
And so, the song has come
to its natural conclusion.
307
00:12:05,250 --> 00:12:08,170
Right behind you, my sour pickle.
[chickens clucking]
308
00:12:08,790 --> 00:12:10,460
Bert, watch my mud pies.
309
00:12:10,460 --> 00:12:11,960
Sure.
SCHMUCK: Thank you.
310
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,750
♪
311
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:15,050
- Look!
- Oh no!
312
00:12:15,050 --> 00:12:17,470
- Mets continue slump?
- No!
313
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:20,970
The idiot Tsar and his parasitic family
have been executed.
314
00:12:20,970 --> 00:12:23,970
♪ intense Russian music ♪
315
00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:26,850
[cranking]
316
00:12:26,850 --> 00:12:29,190
Ugh. This is, like, really
when I miss my servants.
317
00:12:29,190 --> 00:12:30,190
Okay.
318
00:12:30,190 --> 00:12:33,190
Hey, you guys! It's me, your girl,
Princess Anastasia.
319
00:12:33,190 --> 00:12:35,780
For today's tutorial, I feel like
I've been seeing a lot of comments
320
00:12:35,780 --> 00:12:38,530
that you guys are like pretty downtrodden
and like poor or whatever.
321
00:12:38,530 --> 00:12:40,160
So, I figured I would show you
[coughing]
322
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,750
how to de-contour your cheeks
323
00:12:41,740 --> 00:12:43,830
so that your face can
look like it has like food
324
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:45,540
[coughing continues]
or like, I don't know, shelter.
325
00:12:45,540 --> 00:12:48,210
- MAN: Anastasia, your lunch is here!
- You guys!
326
00:12:48,210 --> 00:12:50,090
You're being so loud right now!
[coughing]
327
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,000
I'm recording!
328
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,340
Ah, kids!
329
00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:54,880
Why the long faces?
330
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:57,880
We are not inbred like the Hapsburgs.
331
00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,590
We are the Romanovs!
332
00:12:59,590 --> 00:13:02,260
We only sleep with beautiful relatives!
333
00:13:02,260 --> 00:13:04,390
Ew, Dad, boundaries.
334
00:13:04,390 --> 00:13:07,180
[sighs] How long
is this revolution gonna last?
335
00:13:07,180 --> 00:13:09,140
I wanna go back to the Winter Palace.
336
00:13:09,140 --> 00:13:12,140
This merchant's house is so last season.
337
00:13:12,150 --> 00:13:15,650
It'll just be a matter of time
before we are reinstated
338
00:13:15,650 --> 00:13:17,940
as the rightful rulers of Russia!
339
00:13:17,940 --> 00:13:20,610
The people love us,
and what's not to love?
340
00:13:20,610 --> 00:13:23,030
With our leaky blood and weak bones?
341
00:13:23,030 --> 00:13:25,200
[coughing]
342
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,950
Oh lord, the Prince is getting sicker.
343
00:13:27,950 --> 00:13:29,370
What else are we gonna do?
344
00:13:29,370 --> 00:13:33,120
We wrapped his scrotum in garlic bulbs,
345
00:13:33,130 --> 00:13:35,550
like our family doctor prescribed.
346
00:13:35,550 --> 00:13:38,300
Speaking of, where the devil is he?
347
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:41,180
MAN'S VOICE [echoing]:
Did someone say "the Devil"?
348
00:13:41,180 --> 00:13:43,350
[farting]
349
00:13:43,340 --> 00:13:44,930
Who farted?
350
00:13:44,930 --> 00:13:47,060
- [aroused]: Oh!
- [aroused]: Yes...
351
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:49,440
My dear Rasputin.
352
00:13:49,430 --> 00:13:53,730
The only mystic in Russia that I trust
with my medical and political advice.
353
00:13:53,730 --> 00:13:55,400
NICHOLAS:
Ah, Rasputin!
354
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:57,240
I heard some noble stabbed you!
355
00:13:57,230 --> 00:13:58,440
A mere tickle.
356
00:13:58,440 --> 00:13:59,520
Rasputin.
357
00:13:59,530 --> 00:14:02,330
Our son Alexi's health declines,
358
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:05,070
and we're in desperate need
of your...
359
00:14:05,070 --> 00:14:06,530
healing powers.
360
00:14:06,530 --> 00:14:07,820
Huh.
361
00:14:07,830 --> 00:14:10,080
Okay, up.
362
00:14:10,870 --> 00:14:12,620
[speaking Russian]
363
00:14:12,620 --> 00:14:13,580
Follow my hand.
364
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:17,500
[Rasputin babbling]
365
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:20,180
[Alexi shuddering]
366
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:23,380
Okay. So, my diagnosis
367
00:14:23,380 --> 00:14:25,420
is that your son's body
368
00:14:25,430 --> 00:14:27,970
is being haunted by Moldovan demons.
369
00:14:27,970 --> 00:14:29,680
- [Alexandra gasping]
- Fucking Moldovan.
370
00:14:30,730 --> 00:14:31,860
Anything else?
371
00:14:31,850 --> 00:14:33,190
That about covers it.
372
00:14:33,190 --> 00:14:34,730
I'm off!
373
00:14:34,730 --> 00:14:37,780
Long live the Romanovs!
[fart]
374
00:14:37,770 --> 00:14:40,690
Ew! Ras-P-U-tin!
375
00:14:40,690 --> 00:14:42,820
Who'da known he'd be my favorite Putin.
376
00:14:42,820 --> 00:14:44,450
[loud knocking]
Ah!
377
00:14:44,450 --> 00:14:46,490
The White Army.
378
00:14:46,490 --> 00:14:48,240
It's about time.
379
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,410
You've come to escort us
to the Winter Palace?
380
00:14:51,330 --> 00:14:53,120
[gasps]
Eeeee!
381
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:55,750
Just, like, really load it up.
382
00:14:55,750 --> 00:14:58,460
[gunshots blasting]
Go all along the natural--
383
00:14:58,460 --> 00:15:02,340
Guys! Can you please stop
shooting out there? [scoffs]
384
00:15:02,340 --> 00:15:06,010
We're shooting in here. [scoffs]
[guns shooting]
385
00:15:06,010 --> 00:15:07,640
Oh, my God, you guys!
[projector whirring]
386
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,810
You know what, one second.
[opens door]
387
00:15:09,810 --> 00:15:11,270
[screams] Oh, my God.
388
00:15:11,270 --> 00:15:14,270
Okay, you guys,
I'm like literally dead right now
389
00:15:14,270 --> 00:15:16,690
because my whole family
is literally dead right now.
390
00:15:16,690 --> 00:15:18,610
I feel like I have to go into hiding.
391
00:15:18,610 --> 00:15:21,280
So, um... Watch this space
and follow along with my journey.
392
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:22,280
Hashtag Last Romanov.
393
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,740
But most importantly, before I go,
please do not forget
394
00:15:24,740 --> 00:15:27,910
to use my code "Anastasia" for 10% off
your next Putzmates order,
395
00:15:27,910 --> 00:15:29,870
you guys, okay?
It's really important. Okay, I love you.
396
00:15:29,870 --> 00:15:31,580
War and Peace, bye!
397
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:38,040
MEL:
The Discovery of Fire.
398
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:41,040
♪ gentle music ♪
399
00:15:41,050 --> 00:15:43,760
[birds chirping]
400
00:15:44,420 --> 00:15:45,300
[grunts]
401
00:15:46,180 --> 00:15:47,930
[cavewomen grunting]
402
00:15:47,930 --> 00:15:49,770
[laughing grunts]
403
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:52,510
[excited grunting]
404
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:58,350
[disappointed,
explanatory grunting]
405
00:15:58,350 --> 00:15:59,480
[puffing]
406
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:03,230
[scoffs, explanatory grunting]
407
00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:05,570
[realizing grunts]
408
00:16:05,570 --> 00:16:08,320
♪
409
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:09,780
[frustrated grunting]
410
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,490
[screaming]
411
00:16:12,490 --> 00:16:14,620
[disappointed grunting]
412
00:16:14,620 --> 00:16:17,160
[realizing, explanatory grunting]
413
00:16:17,170 --> 00:16:18,380
[interrupting grunting]
414
00:16:18,370 --> 00:16:19,830
[overlapping grunts]
415
00:16:19,830 --> 00:16:22,830
[staccato grunts]
416
00:16:24,460 --> 00:16:26,920
[disapproving grunts]
[frustrated grunts]
417
00:16:26,930 --> 00:16:28,310
[imitating grunts] Stephanie!
418
00:16:28,300 --> 00:16:31,260
[mocking grunting]
419
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,140
[grunting]
420
00:16:34,140 --> 00:16:37,140
♪ epic music ♪
421
00:16:37,140 --> 00:16:38,930
[annoyed grunting]
422
00:16:38,940 --> 00:16:40,320
[grunting gets louder]
423
00:16:40,310 --> 00:16:43,440
[yelling]
424
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,780
[screaming]
425
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:49,410
[sheepish grunt]
[relieved grunt]
426
00:16:49,410 --> 00:16:52,460
[laughter]
427
00:16:52,450 --> 00:16:55,330
[cavewomen grunting]
428
00:16:55,330 --> 00:16:56,670
[confused grunts]
429
00:16:56,660 --> 00:17:00,290
♪ psychedelic music ♪
430
00:17:00,290 --> 00:17:02,750
CAVEWOMAN 1: Wait, now that
I'm looking at that painting,
431
00:17:02,750 --> 00:17:04,420
I, like, really get it.
432
00:17:04,420 --> 00:17:06,300
Wait, can I just say something?
433
00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:08,640
It is so funny they call us cave people.
434
00:17:08,630 --> 00:17:11,050
I've never been in a cave.
CAVEWOMEN: Oh, me neither! Yeah, same!
435
00:17:11,050 --> 00:17:13,140
I don't even know
where there is one! [laughs]
436
00:17:13,140 --> 00:17:16,270
Hey, do you guys ever feel like...
like your life is a movie?
437
00:17:16,270 --> 00:17:18,150
More like a TV show.
438
00:17:18,140 --> 00:17:19,980
Oh, yeah.
439
00:17:19,980 --> 00:17:21,650
Look, there's a whole crew right there.
440
00:17:21,650 --> 00:17:23,190
You can see it in the reflection
of my glasses.
441
00:17:23,190 --> 00:17:25,070
[cavewomen giggling]
442
00:17:27,150 --> 00:17:28,280
♪ harpsichord music ♪
443
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,780
MEL:
William Shakespeare.
444
00:17:32,700 --> 00:17:35,240
MAN: It's just dirty, murky trough water
with a little bit of lemon.
445
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:37,780
And then I don't eat till...
my first meal is lunch.
446
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:38,790
[knocking]
447
00:17:39,250 --> 00:17:41,000
Hey, uh, is this the writer's room
for Shakespeare?
448
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,460
Uh, yeah. You the new guy?
449
00:17:42,460 --> 00:17:44,090
Yes, I am.
450
00:17:44,090 --> 00:17:46,380
I'm a man, as evidenced by my low voice.
451
00:17:47,630 --> 00:17:50,220
Sorry I'm late.
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
452
00:17:50,220 --> 00:17:51,260
Nanny called in sick.
453
00:17:51,260 --> 00:17:52,930
She's got the plague.
454
00:17:52,930 --> 00:17:56,810
So, read the latest draft of Hamlet.
455
00:17:56,810 --> 00:17:59,440
Some good stuff, some good stuff.
456
00:17:59,430 --> 00:18:01,720
Does Shakespeare like it?
457
00:18:01,730 --> 00:18:03,150
Yeah...
458
00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:05,400
Is Shakespeare in love?
459
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:06,690
No. No, not yet.
460
00:18:06,690 --> 00:18:07,940
Keep pushing.
461
00:18:08,940 --> 00:18:11,820
Yes-- Oh, hello.
Who are you? Have we met?
462
00:18:11,820 --> 00:18:14,990
Oh, um, I'm a writer from
the Oxford Lampoon.
463
00:18:14,990 --> 00:18:16,030
I'm a man.
464
00:18:17,660 --> 00:18:18,700
My penis itches.
465
00:18:18,700 --> 00:18:20,790
Mm. I was skeptical until he said that.
466
00:18:20,790 --> 00:18:23,880
Okay, so here's what I'd like to do.
467
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,260
I would like to gray sky for a bit.
468
00:18:26,250 --> 00:18:28,630
Just throw some ideas around.
469
00:18:28,630 --> 00:18:31,590
See what sticks. No judgments.
470
00:18:31,590 --> 00:18:33,590
Francis Bacon, take us on our journey.
471
00:18:33,590 --> 00:18:35,930
Oh. Okay. Uh, it's pretty crazy,
472
00:18:35,930 --> 00:18:38,020
but, um, what if we do a play,
473
00:18:38,010 --> 00:18:41,600
okay, but it's got music and singing?
474
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:44,900
So what you're suggesting,
if I'm hearing it right,
475
00:18:44,900 --> 00:18:46,990
is that people stop,
476
00:18:46,980 --> 00:18:49,440
in the middle of a show, and start singing
477
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:50,900
something to the equivalent of...
478
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,690
♪ I'm so sad ♪
479
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:57,790
♪ Because my uncle killed my dad ♪
480
00:18:57,780 --> 00:18:59,030
♪ Hamlet! ♪
481
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,250
That's fucking awful.
482
00:19:00,250 --> 00:19:01,880
Okay, anyone else have a pitch?
483
00:19:01,870 --> 00:19:04,620
Maybe a good idea, perchance?
484
00:19:04,620 --> 00:19:07,410
What about an interracial love story?
485
00:19:07,420 --> 00:19:09,340
An English lady and a Black guy,
486
00:19:09,340 --> 00:19:11,220
but it's not about race,
487
00:19:11,210 --> 00:19:14,510
and we called it, uh,
I don't know, Othello.
488
00:19:14,510 --> 00:19:16,300
Oh, let me start off by saying this.
489
00:19:16,300 --> 00:19:18,180
I am an ally,
490
00:19:18,180 --> 00:19:20,060
but I don't think it's my story to tell.
491
00:19:20,060 --> 00:19:23,400
So, if you wanna develop it,
I would absolutely support that,
492
00:19:23,390 --> 00:19:24,770
but just remember,
493
00:19:24,770 --> 00:19:27,730
it was conceived in this room,
494
00:19:27,730 --> 00:19:30,530
was it not? Yes, t'was.
495
00:19:30,530 --> 00:19:32,570
So, technically, I own it.
It's a Shakespeare!
496
00:19:32,570 --> 00:19:33,990
This motherfucker.
497
00:19:33,990 --> 00:19:35,910
- Anything else?
- Um,
498
00:19:35,910 --> 00:19:38,500
I have a love story.
It's about two white people.
499
00:19:38,490 --> 00:19:39,780
See? Now, that's relatable.
500
00:19:39,780 --> 00:19:41,320
WOMAN DRESSED AS BOY:
So, they're star-crossed lovers,
501
00:19:41,330 --> 00:19:43,790
and they're in a small town, like Verona.
502
00:19:43,790 --> 00:19:46,130
Ooh, Italy is hot right now.
503
00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:49,120
And their houses hate each other,
but they fall in love anyway.
504
00:19:49,130 --> 00:19:51,340
And then they die tragically in the end.
505
00:19:52,550 --> 00:19:54,720
Okay, that's not quite
working for me yet,
506
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,970
but let me just spitball
on it for a second.
507
00:19:58,970 --> 00:20:00,140
Okay...
508
00:20:00,140 --> 00:20:03,980
What if they're ill-fated paramours
509
00:20:04,890 --> 00:20:06,020
from two different
510
00:20:06,020 --> 00:20:08,360
families...
511
00:20:08,350 --> 00:20:11,310
and they come from, I want to say...
512
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,070
Verona, maybe?
513
00:20:14,070 --> 00:20:15,320
Right?
514
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:19,160
And they die in a sad way.
515
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:20,290
And we shall call it
516
00:20:20,830 --> 00:20:23,330
Friends with Benefits.
517
00:20:23,330 --> 00:20:25,040
I love that.
SHAKESPEARE: Thank you.
518
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,670
Dynamite idea, boss.
SHAKESPEARE: Thank you.
519
00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:29,870
- But, isn't that what I just pitched?
- No. You pitched me a lump of coal,
520
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,760
and I, out of the kindness of my heart,
521
00:20:31,750 --> 00:20:33,790
took it and made it into a diamond.
522
00:20:34,210 --> 00:20:36,500
Okay, what you actually did was,
523
00:20:36,510 --> 00:20:39,350
I said an idea, then you repeated it
as if it was your own idea--
524
00:20:39,340 --> 00:20:43,050
[banging]
525
00:20:44,220 --> 00:20:45,600
♪ harpsichord music ♪
526
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:48,480
You don't understand!
527
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,150
The pressure I'm under!
528
00:20:50,150 --> 00:20:52,780
I have to produce!
529
00:20:52,770 --> 00:20:56,900
I have to make sure the costumes
are hot! And heavy!
530
00:20:56,900 --> 00:20:59,990
I have to cast men
531
00:20:59,990 --> 00:21:03,200
that look like pretty little women!
532
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,200
Ooh, little women.
That could be something.
533
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,160
That could be something awful!
534
00:21:12,670 --> 00:21:14,710
You know what? I'm sorry.
535
00:21:14,710 --> 00:21:16,050
I'm just... [sighs]
536
00:21:16,050 --> 00:21:18,050
I'm rife with hunger.
537
00:21:18,050 --> 00:21:19,640
What are we doing for lunch?
538
00:21:19,630 --> 00:21:21,300
Uh... we ordered Chipotle.
539
00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:23,140
Goddammit.
540
00:21:23,140 --> 00:21:23,640
[grunts]
541
00:21:24,810 --> 00:21:26,440
Alas, poor Yorick!
542
00:21:26,430 --> 00:21:28,270
It's fine. I-I barely knew him anyway.
543
00:21:28,270 --> 00:21:30,810
♪ harpsichord fading out ♪
544
00:21:31,730 --> 00:21:33,150
♪ Russian music ♪
545
00:21:33,150 --> 00:21:34,650
MEL:
Rasputin.
546
00:21:36,570 --> 00:21:38,660
The mystical Russian priest
547
00:21:38,650 --> 00:21:42,700
who had a powerful mental hold
on the Romanov family.
548
00:21:42,700 --> 00:21:45,120
This didn't sit well
with some of the nobles,
549
00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:47,830
so they decided to kill him.
550
00:21:47,830 --> 00:21:50,500
Which, by the way, wasn't so easy.
551
00:21:50,500 --> 00:21:53,000
♪ Jackass theme ♪
552
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:56,250
I'm Rasputin, and this is
getting stabbed in the back
553
00:21:56,250 --> 00:21:58,170
and thrown in the River Neva.
554
00:21:58,170 --> 00:21:59,670
♪ Jackass theme ♪
555
00:21:59,670 --> 00:22:03,220
[stabbing, slicing]
Oh! Ow! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
556
00:22:03,220 --> 00:22:05,470
[laughing]
557
00:22:05,470 --> 00:22:06,720
NOBLE:
Throw him in!
558
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,600
[laughter]
559
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:13,100
♪ Jackass theme fades out ♪
560
00:22:17,900 --> 00:22:20,400
MEL:
The Russian Revolution.
561
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,650
♪ Russian music ♪
562
00:22:22,660 --> 00:22:24,200
Now, back in the shtetl...
563
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:27,120
SCHMUCK'S WIFE: Isn't it great?
Those Romanov pigs are dead!
564
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,080
The proletariat rules Russia.
565
00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:32,580
We must go to Moscow
and join the revolution!
566
00:22:32,580 --> 00:22:34,960
My beautiful, absolutely faithful wife,
567
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,170
have you lost your mind?
568
00:22:37,170 --> 00:22:39,760
How could we leave all of this behind?
569
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:42,470
Nice. Dad just rhymed.
Here comes another song.
570
00:22:42,470 --> 00:22:45,810
♪ We'll pack our bag
and move off to the city ♪
571
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:48,970
♪ Where a dream life
in the ghetto waits for you ♪
572
00:22:48,970 --> 00:22:51,010
♪ Let the goyim have this
rural life so shitty ♪
573
00:22:51,020 --> 00:22:52,360
What?
574
00:22:52,350 --> 00:22:54,140
♪ This shtetl stinks, it's no place ♪
575
00:22:54,150 --> 00:22:55,440
♪ For a Jew ♪
576
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:56,980
♪ Fiddler on the Roof -style music ♪
577
00:22:56,980 --> 00:23:00,570
♪ I rather like the easy
lifestyle of the shtetl ♪
578
00:23:00,570 --> 00:23:03,870
♪ Where every murderous
Cossack knows your name ♪
579
00:23:03,860 --> 00:23:05,360
♪ Why seek out that thing fear? ♪
580
00:23:05,370 --> 00:23:07,500
♪ We've got plenty of it here ♪
581
00:23:07,490 --> 00:23:09,450
♪ My dear, the city's no place for a Jew ♪
582
00:23:09,450 --> 00:23:12,250
- There's no place for you.
- Well, that could be.
583
00:23:12,250 --> 00:23:15,130
♪ Schmuck, you're a schmendrik,
you're a putz ♪
584
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:18,620
♪ You've got more mud
than brains or guts ♪
585
00:23:18,630 --> 00:23:22,220
♪ Better a living shtetl schmendrik ♪
586
00:23:22,220 --> 00:23:24,850
♪ Than a dead big city Bolshevik ♪
587
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,300
Bullshit!
588
00:23:26,300 --> 00:23:28,300
- Fanny, language!
- Sorry.
589
00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:32,560
♪ dramatic music ♪
590
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:34,020
♪ See, this is what I'm saying ♪
591
00:23:34,020 --> 00:23:35,480
♪ This Cossack wants us dead ♪
592
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:37,730
♪ This Cossack has a name,
his name is Fred ♪
593
00:23:37,730 --> 00:23:39,190
- Hi, Fred.
- Hi.
594
00:23:39,190 --> 00:23:41,820
♪ I've known this anti-Semite
for most of my whole life ♪
595
00:23:41,820 --> 00:23:43,360
♪ He's the one
who stabbed your father! ♪
596
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:44,990
♪ I stabbed him with my knife ♪
597
00:23:44,990 --> 00:23:46,740
♪ Stabbed him with his knife ♪
598
00:23:46,740 --> 00:23:47,990
♪
599
00:23:47,990 --> 00:23:49,410
♪ This Cossack's not a killer ♪
600
00:23:49,410 --> 00:23:51,080
♪ Just peckish, the poor goy ♪
601
00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:53,710
♪ Keep your hands off me,
you filthy stinking Jew ♪
602
00:23:53,710 --> 00:23:55,250
See?
603
00:23:55,250 --> 00:23:57,630
♪ But I've got just the ticket,
the delicious Mudman pie ♪
604
00:23:57,630 --> 00:24:01,840
♪ A little nosh to brighten up
your genocidal mood ♪
605
00:24:03,260 --> 00:24:07,180
[Fred gagging and coughing]
606
00:24:07,180 --> 00:24:09,100
♪
607
00:24:09,100 --> 00:24:10,520
Oh, uh, charades!
608
00:24:10,510 --> 00:24:12,800
He wants to do charades! Okay.
609
00:24:12,810 --> 00:24:15,230
[gagging continues]
Okay.
610
00:24:15,230 --> 00:24:17,400
SCMUCK/FANNY:
First word.
611
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:19,740
- I!
- I! Joshy, you're so smart!
612
00:24:19,730 --> 00:24:21,980
And don't get me started on that body.
FANNY: Good.
613
00:24:21,980 --> 00:24:23,020
- [coughs]
- Second word.
614
00:24:23,030 --> 00:24:24,110
Uh... Oh!
615
00:24:24,110 --> 00:24:27,700
Kill! Kill! Kill, kill, kill.
SCHMUCK: Good job, Joshy.
616
00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:30,120
[gagging]
Uh, third word. Uh...
617
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:31,750
Oh. A sheep?
[sheep bleats]
618
00:24:31,740 --> 00:24:33,280
Yes, oh! But, a female sheep.
619
00:24:33,290 --> 00:24:34,540
[whistling]
620
00:24:34,540 --> 00:24:36,330
- Yes... A ewe!
- Ewe?
621
00:24:36,330 --> 00:24:38,330
"I kill you!"
622
00:24:38,330 --> 00:24:39,500
Fourth word.
623
00:24:40,290 --> 00:24:41,040
- Shoe.
- Shoe?
624
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:42,420
"I kill you shoes."
625
00:24:42,420 --> 00:24:43,840
He hates shoes!
JOSH: I kill you, shoes.
626
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,010
Oh, oh, oh!
627
00:24:45,010 --> 00:24:46,800
"I kill you, Jews!"
628
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:48,220
SCHMUCK: There it is.
FANNY: I told you, see?
629
00:24:48,220 --> 00:24:50,890
Yeah, you were right, okay.
[coughing]
630
00:24:50,890 --> 00:24:52,270
And...
631
00:24:52,260 --> 00:24:53,260
[crash]
632
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,930
[sheep bleats]
Alright.
633
00:24:58,390 --> 00:24:59,770
FANNY:
Oh.
634
00:25:01,150 --> 00:25:03,440
SCHMUCK:
Well, let's pack our one bag.
635
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:06,320
♪ The city is the right place ♪
636
00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:10,280
♪ For these Jews! ♪
637
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:14,160
♪ Fiddler on the Roof- style music ends ♪
638
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:17,000
But honestly, we should get
going if we wanna beat traffic. Let's go.
639
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,250
FANNY: I'm so happy.
640
00:25:23,340 --> 00:25:26,010
MEL:
Hitler on Ice!
641
00:25:26,010 --> 00:25:28,260
Hey, didn't I say no repeats?
642
00:25:30,130 --> 00:25:32,220
COMMENTATOR 1:
And Adolf Hitler,
643
00:25:32,220 --> 00:25:35,060
not giving the performance
he had hoped for tonight.
644
00:25:35,060 --> 00:25:38,190
Mm. The master race isn't
lookin' so masterful.
645
00:25:38,180 --> 00:25:39,930
COMMENTATOR 2:
Very hard to perform at a high level
646
00:25:39,940 --> 00:25:42,570
when you are losing a two-front war.
647
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:45,150
Oh! Wow...
COMMENTATOR 1: Oh, no...
648
00:25:45,150 --> 00:25:47,530
You know, it really hurts
when you fall on the ice like that.
649
00:25:47,530 --> 00:25:49,320
- Absolutely, Trish.
- It does.
650
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,200
And that's gonna
wrap it up for Adolf Hitler.
651
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,580
Let's go to the floor and see some scores.
[crowd cheering]
652
00:25:53,580 --> 00:25:56,330
COMMENTATOR 1: And we're gonna follow him
into the kiss and cry booth.
653
00:25:56,330 --> 00:25:58,120
COMMENTATOR 2:
And here he is with his longtime coach,
654
00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:00,500
Joseph Goebbels,
and his new bride, Eva Braun,
655
00:26:00,500 --> 00:26:03,090
and they are throwing things
at him in the audience.
656
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:05,790
They are throwing dead flowers.
And he's waiting for the scores.
Here they are.
657
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:06,930
[crowd cheering]
658
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:09,420
COMMENTATORS:
Wow. Wow! Wow. Wow.
659
00:26:09,420 --> 00:26:12,880
COMMENTATOR 1:
As expected, it's a festival of zeros...
660
00:26:12,890 --> 00:26:15,560
[crowd booing]
except for the French who gave him a 10,
661
00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:18,400
those Vichy cowards.
COMMENTATOR 2: Wow.
662
00:26:18,390 --> 00:26:20,850
TRISH: He got a straight-up
"fuck you" from Poland.
663
00:26:20,850 --> 00:26:22,770
I've said it before, I'll say it again,
664
00:26:22,770 --> 00:26:25,480
if you put concentration camps
in people's countries,
665
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,650
you better be flawless on the ice.
666
00:26:27,650 --> 00:26:30,110
TRISH: Look at how hysterical he is.
COMMENTATOR 2: Wow.
667
00:26:30,110 --> 00:26:31,990
TRISH: See? This is what happens
when men are in charge.
668
00:26:31,990 --> 00:26:33,450
COMMENTATOR 2:
I don't know about you guys.
669
00:26:33,450 --> 00:26:35,490
I think this is gonna turn
into one of those Hitler memes.
670
00:26:35,490 --> 00:26:36,780
Have you guys seen those?
TRISH: Mm-hmm.
671
00:26:36,780 --> 00:26:38,870
COMMENTATOR 1: And, oh.
COMMENTATOR 2: I see a Luger.
672
00:26:38,870 --> 00:26:41,000
I see a Luger. Wow.
COMMENTATOR 1: There's the Luger.
673
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:44,420
Uh-oh, looks like he's
heading back to the bunker with Eva Braun
674
00:26:44,420 --> 00:26:47,970
to blow his psychopathic brains
right out of his shit head.
675
00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:51,550
Yeah, I have to imagine that
this is his last competition,
676
00:26:51,550 --> 00:26:53,890
and I, for one, am glad about it.
677
00:26:53,890 --> 00:26:55,640
He's a thug and bad for the sport.
678
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:57,060
And humanity.
679
00:26:57,060 --> 00:26:58,730
The greasy-head motherfucker.
680
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:01,640
Ho-ho! We're gonna get
some letters about that one,
681
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:03,600
but hashtag "I stand with Trish."
682
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:05,270
Hashtag "me too."
683
00:27:05,270 --> 00:27:06,400
I don't know about that one.
684
00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:07,820
Absolutely!
685
00:27:07,820 --> 00:27:09,950
And coming up next,
we've got men's downhill
686
00:27:09,940 --> 00:27:11,650
with Benito Mussolini.
687
00:27:11,650 --> 00:27:13,440
He can make the trains run on time,
688
00:27:13,450 --> 00:27:16,700
but can he beat his
own time on the slopes?
689
00:27:16,700 --> 00:27:19,700
Let's hope he falls down
and breaks both of his fuckin' legs.
690
00:27:19,700 --> 00:27:21,700
♪ klezmer music playing ♪
691
00:27:21,700 --> 00:27:23,700
♪
50586
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof