Original subtitles

Hi.

Oh hey, how are you?

Good, how are you?

Good. So, the total is $14.65

Great. Thank you, so much.

Heh-hey.

Hey! There are two pieces missing from this pizza.

That is our PAC-MAN deal.

Where we make a whole pizza,

we take a couple slices out of it

and it looks like a PAC-MAN monster.

No, that's bullshit.

I can see the food in your beard from here.

You're disgusting, I'm calling your boss.

No no no.

Don't do that, don't do that.

I'll give you a discount on the pizza, $15.

That's what it costs originally.

No, this is the discount.

$10 for the pizza, $5 for the tip.

Hey Clark, are you home early?

Yeah, I got fired.

Oh no, what happened?

Well, I got a little hungry after working

for three hours straight.

And ate a couple slices of pizza.

Everybody got mad and yelled at me.

I'm so sorry.

Well, so I'm gonna be a little bit late with the rent.

Hey, don't worry about it.

I know how hard this job market is

and I'll cover this month and we'll put it on your tab.

I have some money saved up and once you get back

on your feet you can pay me back.

Sound like a deal?

Yeah, I guess that sounds fair.

But I don't want you jumping in there

as soon as I get a job and asking for all your money back.

Give me some time to build up a savings.

I don't know, pay some bills.

Get some walking around money.

Et cetera.

Yeah, I know I know.

Just don't ride my ass when I get that job.

I know, I know.

I need some cushion time.

Three, six, nine months even.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Completely get it.

Oh, hey hey!

This is my work.

Then leave it at work.

I can't.

I gotta get the paperwork done for these cases.

Gah, you are the most boring police officer

I have ever met in my entire life.

This is just temporary.

Once I've passed the academy I'm going to

be out on the street.

Isn't that what you said last year?

Sorry, I'm being a dick.

Come on, let's get going.

Let's get you applying for some jobs online.

We're gonna get you a job.

No thanks.

I think I'm just gonna drink until I pass out.

Why don't you come see me for lunch tomorrow?

No.

My treat?

Okay.

Have you looked for any jobs today?

No.

Listen, Clark.

I'm here to support you.

And I wanna help you out, buddy.

But, you gotta try.

I am trying.

No, you're not really.

You haven't even looked for any jobs today.

Yeah, but I woke up.

And that's a pretty good start.

I have a friend and she manages a call-center.

If I set up an interview, would you go?

I guess.

What are you doing?

Getting ahold of her.

No no, you can't do that now.

You gotta prepare for something like this.

You know I've got a lot of sleeping to catch up on

and stuff like that.

Oh! They let you out of the office during the day?

Yeah, what moron's stuffing paper into envelopes

with you gone?

Ha ha ha ha!

That's so great guys.

Like, I'm like a, like I'm gonna go out, sniff the air.

And I'm gonna go to the bathroom and stuff.

You know like...

You shit outside?

No, like I'm an Aleutian working dog, you know?

Yeah, dog's shit outside.

Look, my partner here doesn't understand metaphors.

Nuh-ah.

In his defense, your face does look

like somebody that'd love to poop outside.

What the hell is going on here?

Whoa! Whoa!

Pipe down.

Clark, this is Garibaldi and Betts.

We were in the academy together like three years ago.

Remind me, was that the first time or second time

that you failed?

Second time.

What's this?

Oh, no no.

That's not...

You don't need to..

Ah, comic books?

What, uh, two year-old did you jack those from?

Two year-olds can't read.

Yeah, some can.

No, none can.

Super smart ones can.

Yeah dude.

Yeah, super smart ones can.

We gotta go.

Cop shit.

Goodbye guys.

Get a razor.

Shut up.

They're so cool.

The hell was that?

What, those guys are cool.

Cool?

Those guys were dicks.

No, we're just always razzing each other.

You know, poking fun.

That's how cops are.

That conversation consisted of them giving you shit.

You making some weird terrible joke

about being a dog or something?

A God-awful joke if it was one at all.

I mean, you just embarrassed yourself out there.

You just said you pooped outside in the yard.

Comics?

At work?

Come on, dude.

Ah no, I go and read them in the bathroom, you know?

It's like a really cool story

and it's like a break from all the paperwork.

They make me happy.

Oh, you have an interview.

When?

Your resume is, uh, something.

You've had a lot of jobs.

Yeah, I've been out there experimenting.

Mm-hmm.

Oh and, you don't have any references?

No, I don't have any.

Oh, actually, yeah I do.

Here.

Oh you have a refer...

Okay.

There we go.

I guess that's Dale?

Yeah.

Presto, there's Dale.

Uhm, so, as you know we always need new employees here

at Stanton Family Electronics.

And, uhm, there is a relatively high turnover rate.

Like the pastry.

I'm sorry? No.

Turnover.

No, I don't mean that.

I mean like, uhm, there's a lot of people that

we hire and they have to quickly move on to other things.

Right.

Who's going to be upset about a surplus of pastries.

No, I'm not talking about pastries.

Yeah, I know.

Okay, can we just move on.

So, if you know how to answer a phone,

follow a basic script,

you can pretty much work here.

Oh, I can do that.

Great!

When do I start?

Oh, you can go ahead and sit down.

Why don't we do a little role-playing, first.

See how you handle some of the things

that might come up on a phone call with a customer, okay?

Let's give it a shot.

Come on, I'm excited.

So, here's my phone.

Hello, my DVD player is not working.

I wondered if you can help me.

Ah, yes.

Have you tried unplugging it and plugging it back it?

I already tried that.

Oh, maybe you can go grab a hammer

and start hitting it.

Nope. Nope.

We would never recommend that.

No, I fix a lot of things by hitting them with hammers.

Do you really do that?

How much is broken at your home?

You know what, lets...

- Let's try something else. - Start over.

Okay.

Uhm, hello, I have a remote control

that has a couple buttons that are not working anymore.

Do you have any advice?

Take the batteries out, and put 'em right back in.

Great, one second.

Take out the battery.

Great, that's also not working.

Well, I wouldn't suggest hitting it

because we don't recommend things like that.

But if you could take it, and then smack it against

the coffee table or the couch leg...

This is the same thing.

That's still hitting it.

Yeah, you don't...

You hit the electronic against something else.

It's the way to fix things.

It's an impact of some...

It's a way to fix things.

It's not the only way, of course.

It's just a different way of damaging them.

I don't know what to do here.

Uhm, well.

Thank you so much for coming in.

It was great to meet you.

Tha... thank you.

Clark, we'll uhm...

I will do something with this.

Oh hey, there you are.

Hey.

Where you been, buddy?

Ah, sleeping.

For four days?

Four days?

I guess you didn't have any time

to check in or say hi or anything.

But you had plenty of time to make spaghetti.

What spaghetti?

You know, that enormous bowl of spaghetti

that's been there on the counter all week.

I assumed you were just making them and then eating them

and then immediately making another one.

They've been steaming.

Is it painful?

Because I can prescribe you something for pain.

No, no it's not painful.

Should it be?

Well, is it one noodle?

At a time?

Like one long noodle?

'Cause if it's one long noodle, you know,

that seems like it might not hurt.

The size of your urethra being comparable

to the size of a spaghetti noodle.

But is it possible that you inserted

the spaghetti into your penis first?

No.

If it's a dry noodle, a dry noodle can go in.

I've put needles inside of urethras.

Why?

Science.

To see if I could.

Why do you go to the Moon?

Did you just fall asleep at a college party?

Be honest.

Did you buy a bunch of teenagers beer

for a college party and then fall asleep.

And then you wiped off all the dicks

they drew on your face and then you showed up

here at my office.

And they put spaghetti in your penis somehow.

Do I like like a guy who...

You do.

It's not any of those things.

It's just a, I'm just...

Freaking out.

Very well.

Is it making you anxious?

Yes.

Okay!

I will write you a prescription.

There you are, sir.

Weed.

Really good weed.

I don't need a weed.

I need a fix.

Did you not see my diploma?

Oh.

And there's myriad ways in which marijuana

might help your issue.

Name one thing.

Well, it might make you hungry.

And then if you eat the spaghetti maybe

it'll break a curse, I don't know.

You would drink a spaghetti pee?

No.

But, I don't like spaghetti.

Oh.

Drink that spaghetti pee.

Sorry, I'm getting a little anxious.

This isn't happening.

This isn't happening.

This isn't happening.

This isn't...

Come on, that's my bag, please.

Give me your bag.

Give me your...

Please, help my bag!

What the hell?

What the hell?

What the hell?

No no, don't do that.

No, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, sorry.

Freeze.

Get off my plane.

I ain't heard no fat lady.

What the hell?

Oh my God, I'm sorry.

Is that spaghetti?

What's going on, Clark?

Look, okay.

This is going to seem weird.

I can sling spaghetti from my hands.

Yeah, okay.

Look at the couch.

You mean this?

This pile of spaghetti you had in your hand

and then threw at me?

That came from inside of me.

This is, by far, your lamest prank ever.

We gotta take you to a doctor or an ER or something.

Yeah?

And tell 'em what, exactly?

I don't know, but...

Yeah, assuming that they don't lock me up

and throw me in a straight jacket,

what do you thinks gonna happen when they find out

I can shoot spaghetti out of my hands.

Being a real life mutant's not gonna work out

for me as well as you'd think.

Yeah, you're right.

I mean, look how it went for the X-Men.

But this is weird man, we've gotta do something.

Yeah, no shit it's weird.

Does it hurt?

No.

Do you feel different?

No.

What if you, like, told a scientist or something?

What'd I just say, Dale?

I don't wanna tell anybody about this.

This could be used for good, maybe.

Like it could be a gift.

You know, now I regret saying anything to you.

No no no.

No, I'm sorry.

Give us your money, asshole.

Give me your wallet.

I don't... please, stop it.

Okay, Clark.

Do not engage criminals.

You're gonna stand up.

And you're gonna run out of here.

And you're gonna go home.

Okay, and stand up...

Listen, assholes.

You leave that guy alone.

Who the hell are you?

I'm. I'm uh...

Just walk away now, or else.

Or else what?

You know what?

This isn't really working out

the way I thought it was going to.

I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna go.

Yeah, walk away, bitch.

Bitch.

Ah. Ow.

Ahhhhh!

Who are you?

I'm the Spaghettiman.

Oww. That was bad ass.

Thank you, thank you so much.

Did you see all that cool stuff I just did?

I thought they were going to kill me.

This isn't about you.

This about the punching, the headbutting, the kyah, kyah.

I wish I could, I wish I could repay you.

You can.

What?

What's in your wallet?

Wait, uhm, seriously?

Yeah, I mean, you said you wanted

to repay me, right?

Oh, uhm.

Uhm, uh, a couple 20s and...

Thank you.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Thank you for saving my life.

Dick.

Dick with 42 dollars.

Betts likes beets...

Betts doesn't like beets.

Mmkay, mmkay.

What are you doing?

What, what's that on your head?

And why are you dancing?

Because I just made $40.

Kicking some ass.

What?

Yeah, dude.

It was crazy.

Alright, I was walking down the street, right?

And I hear this dude just getting

the living daylights kicked out of him.

So I'm all like, I think this guy needs to be saved.

Look, very bravely, and without hesitation.

I just wanna emphasize, not a moment went by

until I decided, this guy needs to be saved.

By me.

So I look around, grab this paper sack, right?

Put it over my head, so of course,

nobody can see my face.

And then I just leapt into action.

I just let 'em have it.

Bam. Boom. Kick. Slice.

Took 'em all out.

Then, the dude paid me.

So you saved him?

Pssh, yeah. Yeah.

And I got paid.

What if...

What if you use the spaghetti thing for good?

Uhh, I did.

I got paid 40 dollars.

That's pretty good.

But that's not what a superhero does.

A superhero does things because it's the right thing to do.

And because he's a nice guy.

Whoa, whoa.

Slow down.

Who said anything about being a superhero.

Think about it!

You could clean up the streets and beat up bad guys

and be a role-model.

Yeah, yeah. Or, or...

I can get paid to punch people.

I think you're missing the point.

No.

Look, I hear what you're saying, Dale.

And, I totally get it.

But, I also don't give a shit.

I'm gonna do me, right?

I'ma get paid.

Get my money.

And pay that rent.

Pay you back.

Boom, everything's great, baby.

Get on up!

'Scuse me.

Did you lock your keys in the car?

Stop right there.

Hey, hey, I bet this incline is

pretty tough on the 'ol arms, huh?

I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, let me help you out.

Whoa whoa, no no no, I'm doing...

Whoa, where are you taking me?

- Hey, hey. - To a shortcut.

Nn-nn-nn-no, what?

It's okay, I'm taking you to a shortcut.

Nn-no, I can't do stairs, man.

Not with that attitude you can't.

What's going on?

Oh, hello, sir.

This young lady tried to break into your car.

I stopped her.

And then tied up her hands with this spaghetti.

Uh. Okay.

Do not drop me.

I just want you to sit back, relax,

keep your hands inside the chair at all times,

and we'll get you up there.

Stairs aren't for people in wheelchairs man.

Sounds like an excuse for segregation to me.

No no, don't use that word.

Who the hell are you?

The question is,

how much is this woman willing to cough up

in order to not get kidnapped.

What?

What?

Yeah, I can let this whole thing just continue.

Or, you can pay me, mmm, a hundred bucks.

I...

Have sixty?

That'll do.

You're gonna tell all your friends about this.

No, I'm going to tell all my friends about

how I met a lunatic.

No, you're gonna tell them how you met a hero!

A hero?

You're not a hero.

Soldiers are heroes.

Superman is a hero.

You're an asshole.

I'm all of those things.

I can let her go right now.

Yes.

And then she'll probably go back

to breaking into your car, stealing it, driving it away.

Or...

Uh, I have...

Seventeen bucks?

That'll do, thank you.

Oh, great, you're alive.

How long was I out?

Not long, 37 minutes or so.

But, hey, don't worry.

I very heroically watched over you,

and not just because of the money you owe me.

But because it's the right thing to do.

But...

You can, uh, give me that $60, so I can...

I respect that.

Okay, great. Thank you so much.

No problem.

Thank you so much.

I admit...

No, don't.

I admit, that took me a little bit

longer than thought.

It took a little bit longer than you thought?

You planned this?

So I'm gonna cut you a deal.

Half off what you were originally gonna pay.

What?

I am not paying you shit.

That's the deal!

There's no deal.

A deal has to exist if someone wants something.

I didn't want any of this.

Okay.

You ruined my day.

Okay.

You ruined my day.

Okay.

Bite me.

Hah. How 'bout this.

Dinner.

I'll have an Eggs Benedict bar.

That'll be a great weekend.

Garibaldi's gonna love it.

Oh, oh, hey Dale.

I know you were Betts best man,

but I was wondering if you could also be my best man,

'cause I like you more than I like Betts.

I like you more than I like almost anyone.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

What a day.

Good day.

You should take your mask off before you come home.

Why?

So villains don't know where you live?

Villains?

Supervillains?

Hey, Batman had the Bat-cave.

And Superman had the Fortress of Solitude.

Even Spider-man had a backpack that he at least

he put his costume into.

Okay, okay.

I'll start taking the mask off three blocks

down the street so that the villains

don't follow me back to the Bat-cave.

There's gotta be a better way to do this.

Walking around, looking for crimes.

Trying to solve 'em.

What's your problem?

You know, I would love to be out there helping people.

But I can't.

I'm stuck in a office.

All day.

I'm sorry, I'm not mad at you.

I'm just...

It was May of 1992 when the cancer first struck my dad.

Holy crap.

Yeah, I know.

I'm on TV.

In a NewsChannel 4 exclusive,

we finally have footage of the masked vigilante

that's been running around town,

allegedly wearing a brown-paper bag.

One of our viewers sent in this footage

recorded from her mid-town apartment.

She attempted to follow, but lost him around the corner.

Police recommend, do not engage the subject

and to call the crime-stoppers hotline

below with any information.

This is awesome.

Maybe I'll be able to drum up more business.

People will be able to get in contact with me.

Don't give anyone your address, or your name,

or your phone number.

You don't want that Clark.

Please, if you listen to one thing I say,

listen to that.

Uhhh, I'm not an idiot, Dale.

I'm not gonna lead supervillains back

to our Fortress of Solitude where they can come get me.

Good.

Stupid.

But a craigslist ad is anonymous.

Dammit.

Dammit.

Dammit.

Hey, whoa, this ad is killing it.

Yeah?

Yeah man, I got tons of messages.

Here, help me figure out what I should do.

Wait, you didn't use your own cell phone number in that,

did you?

No, Dale.

I didn't.

I'm not an idiot, okay?

I watched The Wire.

We use burners for things like this.

"Dear Spaghettiman..."

That's your official name?

Yeah, pretty awesome, huh?

Okay, "Dear Spaghettiman, me,

some douchebag stole my television."

"I know who it is, and can get you his address."

"I'll pay you $50."

It sounds like someone's just gonna pay your $50

to steal someone else's television.

Mm, don't care.

Not enough money.

Pass.

Next email.

"Dear Spaghettiman,

My ex-wife won't give me my dog back."

"It's very dear to me and I would give you $100 to get it back."

Yeah, that seems like a tricky situation.

'Cause even if you get the dog back, she might sue you.

And if you don't, he might sue you for harm...

Don't care, it's like 20 miles outside of town anyway.

I'm not doing it.

There's a lot of just, small, weird ones in here.

No one wants to pay any good money.

Listen, I'm gonna go to work.

To do police work.

And do some real good in the city.

Not because I'm paid to.

But because I want to.

And also because I'm paid to.

Pass.

Pass.

Pass.

Pass.

Pa... wait a second.

Please, uh, come in.

Can I get you anything?

Some soda, water...

Coffee?

Do you have any soup?

Soup?

Yeah, I'd like a soup.

Alright, feed me some intel.

Tell me about this guy.

Uhm, his name is Gary.

And, uhm, he's been involved with these guys

for a few months now.

We were having some issues in our relationship,

and I guess...

the drugs just made him feel better.

Yeah, drugs are cool like that.

So then he started to use harder stuff.

And he couldn't pay for it.

And now they're just keeping him there.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yeah, he's a sex-slave now.

No!

No, they...

They're just asking for ransom and I can't pay for it.

Oh, uhm...

That makes sense.

Yeah.

I got this.

Are you sure?

There's gonna be like a...

like a bunch of guys there.

Pfft, please.

Stephanie, I am a superhero.

Now, can I get this to go.

Hey Terry, get the door.

Criminals listen up.

I'm here for Gary and I want...

One, two, three, four, five, ssss...

Okay, I messed up here.

Okay, who the hell are you?

I, uh, I'm the Spaghettiman?

Oooh, cool.

What?

'Kay, I'm here for Gary and if...

Hey guys, I'm Gary.

Gary. Get back in there!

If you guys know what's good for you.

You'll cooperate.

Now listen, do you got $1,500?

No. I do not.

Then you're not taking shit.

Sir, you are mistaken.

I came here for Gary and I'm gonna take him back.

Oh, well but, I'm afraid you're mistaken, asshole.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my... what the?

Ha ha ha. Blocked it, idiot.

Hey?

Hey, you okay?

Hey, hey man?

Hey dude?

Hey?

Oh my God, this guy's actually dead.

Hey hey hey.

Take another step and he gets it.

Alright, I got it.

I got it.

Listen, I don't know what the shit you are.

But I swear to God, if you touch me,

I'm gonna paint the wall with his brains.

Okay, you got it?

I got it, I got it.

Okay. Now get the hell out of my house.

Unless you're gonna come back with some money and shit.

Or, you can shut your ugly mouth.

And eat a bowl of justice.

What?

Look, alright, no no no.

You know what?

Forget about it.

Forget I even said it.

I was coming up with a catch-phrase on the fly and I...

I messed it up.

I didn't say it.

Go back to one.

Well get the hell out of my place then.

You piece of shit.

Hey, buddy, is that a leak in your roof?

Daaamn.

Hey, that wasn't bad, right?

I mean I was looking for a line and I just,

came up off the top of my head.

Oh, I'm sorry, Gary.

Sorry my catch-phrase wasn't good enough for you, Gary.

I was here saving your life.

Oh my God.

Oh!

Okay lovebirds, break it up.

I hate to be that guy.

But no more hugging until I get paid.

Yeah, okay.

You know, it was quite a bit harder

than I thought it would be.

I cannot thank you enough.

Sure, you could thank me a little more though.

We had a deal.

Fine, take your druggie boyfriend.

Whoa, hey guy.

You look a little young to be

sleeping out here on the streets.

I'm running away from home.

Why would you do that?

Because.

Life's over.

Oh, no.

You're too young to say that.

Nope, it's all over for me.

This is the end.

I'll probably die soon.

With that attitude?

Yeah, you probably will.

But if you keep a positive mindset, a hope in your heart,

you're gonna make it someday.

Leave me alone.

You know what you need?

A meal.

A little yum-yum in your tum-tum will keep your heart full.

Thank you.

My rent, sir.

Did you see this?

See what?

Hey, that's me feeding the homeless dude.

Ho man, man this is awesome!

What? Did you charge him $10 or something?

No, Dale.

He was homeless and doesn't have any money.

It was charity.

You know, superheroes are nice people, you know.

Yeah, you're something.

You know, there's a lot of pictures of you

doing this stuff out there.

And you gotta start being careful.

Well, yeah?

Careful of what?

Doing so awesome and making so much money?

I don't think so, man.

Okay, I gotta go.

Gotta go run the police obstacle-course today.

Probably fail again.

Well, with that attitude you're gonna.

I just, can't get over that wall.

Is that a metaphor for something?

No, it's an actual wall that you have to get over.

Hey, you can do it.

Look at me.

Unemployed entrepreneur with tons of potential a week ago.

Now, up and coming superhero entrepreneur this week.

If I can get over that wall, you can too.

Thanks.

You're okay.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Wow, thank you.

Oh my God, you found her.

Yeah, I found her, I'm a superhero.

Yeah, here you go.

We're at 10th and grand

waiting for a...

One-one-forty, copy, twenty minutes.

Alright, copy that.

Unit seven-six has now reported a...

...'78 Subaru wagon was the car?

That's correct.

Four-one-five in progress near Echo Park.

I've official on a suspect dressed in a red-hooded sweatshirt

and a paper bag near the south end of the lake.

All available units approach the scene with caution.

That'll teach you to stick your nose

up in other people's shit.

Now you, Dad Pants.

You're gonna give me that wallet and phone.

Or I'm gonna break you down like a cardboard box.

Oh, man...

Hey, are you okay?

You got any money?

You don't have any money?

Okay.

How about check, do you have any checks?

Hey, you, jackass.

Get back here.

You owe me money!

You ha...

You...

Dammit.

Who are you?

I'm...

Answer me!

I'm...

Tell me your name!

I'm tryi...

Excuses!

Can I speak, please?

Sorry.

I'm Anthony Banner, I'm a journalist.

Anthony Banner...

Why do I know that name?

Maybe you've seen it on the news?

My name's all over your footage.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's where.

Are you following me?

You're a hot commodity.

People'll pay a pretty penny for footage of you.

You make money off of me?

Yeah, sort of.

You son of a...

No no no, please don't hurt me.

Please, I'm just doing my job.

I have a pregnant wife, okay?

Just don't hurt me.

You cost me money.

Would, would coffee or dinner make up for it?

Wha, what's the matter, Dale?

Ah, I just got this rejection letter.

You and Garibaldi can go ahead and make fun of me.

Wha, no.

We just raz you 'cause,

'cause you're one of our best buddies.

I'm not your best buddy.

I'm a nobody.

That's not true!

You don't know, the paperwork that you do...

This police station would be a mess without you.

You're just saying that.

No, I'm not.

No I'm not.

Look, look,

you're the hero that this police station needs.

No, no, that's not true.

You're the hero this whole town needs.

That's the Spaghettiman, that's not me.

Not yet.

What does that mean?

If you want this town to be safe,

you have to set him on the right path.

I can't.

A real hero could.

Thank you.

So.

How long have you been fighting crime with spaghetti?

Well, I wouldn't really

call it fighting crime, necessarily.

More like, earning a paycheck.

Who's paying you?

All the people I save.

What do you mean?

Well, I go out looking for crimes to stop.

And when I stop 'em,

I demand payment from the people I save.

Or, people reach out to me on craigslist.

Send me anonymous emails and I sort of

pick and choose based on the rate they offer.

What if somebody hires you

to hurt someone who's innocent?

Well, I don't do it.

How do you know?

It's like a superhero thing, to know.

So it's not an altruistic endeavor?

No, and don't you judge me.

Okay, it pays the bills.

Hey, no judgment here.

I get it.

I don't like what I do, but I gotta pay rent.

Among other things.

So what do you do?

Follow me around?

Make those videos and make money off me?

Basically.

I track down crashes and crimes,

get footage of it,

and I sell it to newspapers and TV outlets.

Is the money good?

It's getting better.

Let me guess.

You want me to go out chasing crazier

and scarier crimes and acting real nice to people

so your videos can do better.

Frankly, I don't give a shit what you do.

It'd just be nice to have a heads-up before you do it.

Maybe a call or a text.

Email.

That way I have enough time,

I can get setup and get a better shot of it.

Oh yeah?

What do I get out of it?

Let's split the money.

Ooh, so I could make double the money?

It's a win for the both of us.

But if you have my number,

what stops you from turning it in to the police?

Why would I cut out a huge source of my income?

Moved here to make movies, ended up chasing ambulances,

now a crazy son of a bitch with a bag on his head.

Wife's gonna love this.

Yeah, well, it could be worse, you know.

Bunch of ninjas could break into your apartment,

kidnap your pregnant wife and slap her around a bit.

Perspective, guy.

I'm offering a little perspective.

Jeeze, lighten up.

Can I get a to-go box, please?

Sup?

Throw me one of those bad boys.

No, this is the last one.

Okay, I'll go for the fridge.

Uh, I drank all those.

Okay.

Is something going on?

Do you realize that you could make a difference?

That you could be a real hero?

Change the city, and make it a better place?

And instead you parade around like an asshole.

And only do nice things for people who give you money.

Yeah, well, I'm still helping people.

No, you're not.

You're taking advantage of them.

This shouldn't be about you.

It should be about them.

It should be about making them feel like

someone in this city cares about 'em.

And it should be about making them understand

that Good can beat Evil.

Maybe I don't want that responsibility!

You don't have a choice!

I would kill to be able to do what you do.

Just for one day.

But I can't.

Yeah, well if I could trade with you, what I have?

I would in a second.

Actually that's not true.

I make a lot of money, I like what I do.

Go to hell.

I can't handle that pressure, okay?

I can't keep a job.

I can't keep a girlfriend.

I can barely keep a friend in you.

Taking care of an entire city.

You insane?

I'm scared man.

I'm scared every second I'm out there.

And the thought...

That an entire city needs me?

Frightens the hell out of me.

You're a coward.

Banner Group video services.

Hey, it's the Spaghettiman.

I got us a gig.

Nice, what's the address?

Hey buddy, how do you like your new phone?

Who the hell are you?

You know,

if you're gonna steal a phone from a bar.

You might want to turn off automatic photo uploads

before taking all those stupid selfies.

Whatever man.

Whatever.

Stop touching me!

Hah, you've been served... spaghetti!

That is dumb.

Really, ah it's,

you know what?

You didn't hear that.

I delivered a pretty great line

after I wrestled the phone out of his hand.

Nah, it wasn't that great.

But I can cut it.

Okay, cool

did you get the shot?

Yeah.

Awesome, okay.

So, let's go return this phone.

And then you'll get his story,

so it doesn't look like I'm just some thug

who jacked a phone.

Sounds good.

Alright, turn in the footage

and then go collect our cash.

Not yet.

What do you mean?

First we have to sell the video.

Then I fill out an invoice.

And then we get paid.

In like, two to three weeks.

Two to three weeks?

Legally they have 45 days to do it.

But most do it in two to three weeks.

Two, forty-five... how does anybody live like this?

That's freelance for you, man.

I mean, I'm still waiting to get paid

for the first video I got of you.

Horse-shit.

But, we speed up the process

if we hurry up and get it in the system.

So, let's return the phone.

And I'll swing by my place and upload it really quick.

Great. Great.

So what's that speed it up like, two, three days?

Nah, it's still a couple weeks.

Gah! Come on!

I don't have it, I swear.

You know that's not

the right answer, Derek.

I swear, I wouldn't lie to you.

Oh, but, that's what you said last time.

Wasn't it?

And, you had it on you the whole time.

But this time's different.

I'm low on cash.

My wife, her car crashed, took us for all we've got.

My kid, he's been sick.

You just, you just gotta believe me.

Buddy, why didn't you say something?

I believe you.

Really?

I believe your son is gonna have to ask,

"Why did daddy have to die?"

"When if he just paid right now he'd have been just fine."

Oh, look at that, Derek.

Oh no, this looks like a little bit more

than what you owe me.

It's all I have.

It's all I'll take, Derek.

You can consider the rest a down payment on the next round.

Tough, but fair.

Who's there?

Relax,

I'm not here to bust your balls.

I'm here to offer you a job.

Yeah, I'm not interested. Thanks.

How many of your men

have been taken down by the Spaghettiman?

What's it to ya?

How'd you like to fix the situation.

I'm listening.

I might have a way to beat him,

if you've got the men.

Oh I've got the men.

Then let's take him down.

Who are you?

All you need to know is I

have the info to take him...

Okay, now I see your face.

Tell me what you know.

I know the Spaghettiman.

I know him, alright?

I know what his hopes and what his dreams are.

And I know what makes him tick more than anyone.

And I know how to take him out.

And what do you want?

Why do you wanna take down the Spaghettiman?

Why?

Because it's what this city

needs.

You know, it's not polite to stare.

Sorry.

It's just not everyday my husband brings home

a man in a paper sack who shoots...

Spaghetti, from his hands?

And asks for soup?

Mm, good soup.

Did you make it from scratch?

No, does it taste like it is?

No.

You and Anthony working together?

We just started.

That's nice.

Well, hopefully.

He said he could make some good money.

And uh,

I could sure use it.

You don't have a day job?

You're not like a rich billionaire who lost his parents.

Or?

No way, I wish.

This is it.

This is my income.

Does anyone know who you really are?

Yeah, I have this friend.

Uhm, he's kinda weird about it though.

Wants me to do good.

Wants me to go out there and be a superhero.

For free.

But I figure, I can go out, do good, and collect money.

Yeah.

Uh, sure.

I could see both sides.

Eeeh.

You ever get scared?

Scared?

Yeah like, in a fight?

Yeah.

But you still do it.

I have to.

So maybe that's what makes you a hero, then?

Nope, I just need the money.

I hear that.

How, uhm, how far along...

Is that?

Five months.

Identical twins.

Twins?

Oh, that sucks.

It doesn't suck.

I mean, that doesn't suck.

It's just,

It's gonna be expensive.

Way... very expensive.

Yes. Very much.

Luckily, uhm...

I have insurance with my job, so, you know.

Not completely screwed.

Well, Anthony said these videos

are gonna make some good money.

So, uh, let's hope we keep doing good.

Let's just hope Anthony doesn't get hurt.

Okay?

Come on.

We'll be fine.

I don't want my kids to grow up without a father.

I grew up with a father,

and look how I turned out.

Mm, can I sing a song to your kids?

What?

♪ You're gonna come out ♪

♪ And you're gonna look really similar ♪

♪ But you're gonna develop your own identity ♪

♪ Be lucky that you're coming out right now ♪

♪ And not in 1780 ♪

♪ Scientific experiments ♪

♪ Would be your future ♪

♪ But now you might grow up to be a football star ♪

♪ A scientist or a teacher ♪

♪ The future ♪

♪ Uh, the future is unknown ♪

♪ But you won't find out until you're completely grown ♪

♪ You gotta wear the same clothes for a little while ♪

♪ But you can blame your parents for your unique styles ♪

♪ But just make sure that you ♪

♪ Part your hair on different sides ♪

♪ So you can always tell which one you were ♪

♪ In photographs when you were kids ♪

♪ And don't treat fraternal twins ♪

♪ Like they are less people ♪

♪ It's not their fault, they're still twins ♪

That's all I have.

How's it going?

Good.

Almost done submitting this stuff.

And I'm gonna take him home.

Weird guy, huh?

Mm.

For a guy with a paper bag over his head,

he's not that weird.

Is it safe, Tony?

Yeah, totally.

He's a psychopath with a paper bag over his head.

We don't know he's a psychopath.

Yeah, but what if he is?

Well, then, at least he likes me?

I finished with the soup.

You want me to put this on the counter?

Uhm, actually, if you could rinse it out

and put it in the dishwasher, that'd be great.

Oh, you have a dishwasher? Awesome.

That is cool.

How much longer are you guys gonna be?

Twelve minutes?

Can't he just walk home?

Look, he asked me for a ride

and I already said I'd take him, so...

How far away does he live?

I don't know.

But you know, him being here

is just as much your fault as it is mine.

How is that?

You gave him soup.

He said he was hungry.

He asked for soup.

You could've given him a sandwich.

Soup means stay.

Sandwich is, portable.

Hey, can I borrow this Sideways DVD?

Uh, yeah.

I've been wanting to get into wine.

This is an awesome way to get into wine.

Is the money good?

Footage of him gets me twice as much

as what I normally get.

Okay.

I say we do this until these guys pop out of here.

When they're out, you're out.

Sounds good to me.

Just don't get yourself killed.

Please.

Kat, I'm gonna be fine.

I shoot from so far away, most the time

I'm out of the equation anyway.

Yeah, except when he's at our house.

Dishwasher's broken.

I'm gonna go.

I'll walk home, don't worry.

Thank you.

These are the best

and brightest guys I have, boss.

They better be.

Alright, uh, let's get started.

Hi.

Name.

My name's Amir, I'm a CPA.

My name is Dwayne.

Call me Dean.

Uh, Gabriel.

Name is Nightbandit.

Occupation.

I'm a bandit.

Who works at night.

Well, I'm an ex-special forces.

But, uh, by day I'm a metro bus-driver.

I'm an unemployed hi-hop artist by day.

But, like a random odds and ends guy at night.

I'm a volunteer at a-a-a, animal shelter for cats.

I lay bricks.

What's your criminal history?

Well once I left the special forces,

I, uh, did my time as an ax-murderer for a little while.

Larsony, arsony, uh, grand theft hydro.

Well, I stole a pack of gum in second grade.

Uhm, haven't gotten caught yet.

Let's just say... I've laid a lot of bricks.

Show me some moves.

You get 'em with the roll.

Spin around.

Throat.

Yeah, so there's that, you know.

And it's for fights, yeah.

This is your wallet.

I stole it.

'Cause I'm a night bandit.

I wanna do a little role-playing.

Spaghettiman comes up from behind you.

What do you do?

I grab his hand.

Put him down.

And immediately I put my knee, my knee on his neck.

And then I neutralize the situation and back off.

Well, I just uh, turn back on a dime

and punch him right in the mouth with a fist.

Well, let's say he's coming from the front.

Grab him by the waist.

Take out his center of gravity.

I pull my head in, so my neck isn't susceptible.

Grab his elbow, put him down, knee on the neck.

Grab the arm, neutralize the situation.

By then I should already have

a protective brick wall behind me.

I turn around.

Reach in between his legs.

And rip his dick off.

Just like my grandmother taught me.

Restart. This time I attack him.

He's grabbed my arm.

Right?

He puts me down.

His knee is on my neck.

And he won that one.

So, what d'you think boss?

I think I chose the wrong man to lead this fight.

'Scuse me?

You brought me a bunch of morons.

Spaghettiman has taken out all the best guys I know.

This is what we have left.

If this is the best you have, then we're going to lose.

Listen, fighting on the streets

is not like your normal job.

You can't interview for it.

I told you that.

These guys think differently from you.

Their brains are wired differently.

They're going to react when punches are coming

at their faces, not questions.

Then we're gonna need more.

More?

Yeah, go get more.

I've something to do.

Hello?

Why didn't you call me?

About what?

Your gig last night?

I didn't have a gig last night.

You didn't?

No, and if I did I would've called you.

It's all over the news today.

A guy was found beaten downtown,

his wallet was stolen,

he had spaghetti stuck on his face and arms.

Sound familiar?

Wait, what?

What guy?

I don't know, you tell me.

Sounds to me like you were doing shit downtown last night.

You think it was a copycat?

I don't know.

I'll keep my ears open.

See if I hear anything on the scanner.

If I do, I'll let you know.

Okay. Thanks.

In the meantime, if you do go out again.

Will you please call me first?

It's not just a huge chunk of money for the both of us.

It's also an alibi.

I will, lay off me, mom.

Hey.

You see this thing about the dude getting beat up?

No.

Yeah man some guy got beat up in the park.

Spaghetti all over him.

Cops think it was me.

Was it?

No.

Hmm.

What, you don't believe me?

No, I believe you.

Then what's the problem?

Got work.

Hey, where are you?

I'm here.

Okay, well, hurry up.

I'm gonna check this place out.

Hello?

Hello?

Spaghettiman here.

Oh my God, oh my God.

Hey buddy.

Hey, hey, what happened to you man?

Oh hey.

Hello.

Jesus, you cannot sneak up on a guy like that.

I'm tryin' to...

The hell is going on here?

How you doing, bud?

You with us?

Wha, what happened?

Nothing man, you're okay.

Wait, who you calling?

Hey, who's he calling?

Hello? I'd like to report a crime in Grant Park.

Now, I just need you to speak into this phone

and tell them Spaghettiman did it.

You can do that, right?

Ah you guys are tryin' to set me up.

You're tryin' to pin this on me.

Yeah, well it ain't happenin' buddy.

This guy owes me, he ain't saying shit.

It was Spaghettiman.

Dude, come on, really?

Sorry man.

Get in the car!

Get in the car!

What? What's going on?

They shot the hobo.

Is he dead?

Super dead, come on.

Get in, get in.

What the hell just happened?

They shot him, man.

The hobo.

They beat him and then they shot him in the head.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

Sucks for him.

But what about me?

I had to see his brains leak out all over the place.

Do you know who they were?

No clue.

But they're gonna think it was me.

He was on the phone and he said, "Spaghettiman did it."

Someone's going through this much trouble to set you up...

You must've really pissed somebody off.

Yeah, but who?

Blood was coming out of his ears

and brains were coming out of his eyes.

Are you sure he's dead?

Maybe we can go back and...

I mean, he might still be alive.

You can't be alive

with brains coming out of your eyes.

What the hell happened in here?

Dale, are you okay?

Clark, is that you?

Don't say my real name.

You just said mine!

You're a nobody. I'm the Spaghettiman.

Should I call 911?

Who's that?

No.

Don't call 911.

This is Anthony.

He's been putting up all those cool videos of me.

You're working with this guy?

Ah, they destroyed the shelf

and the desk is all messed up.

And this plate! Aw, they messed up your favorite plate!

Something's going on.

Yeah something's going on.

And it's your fault.

How the hell do you figure this is my fault?

It's your stupid videos.

They put my paper bag face all over the place.

People know I exist and they're pissed.

Even if there weren't any videos,

you're still taking criminals off the streets.

Criminals with connections to other criminals.

Get out of my house.

Fine.

And don't you dare call me.

You're the one calling me all the time, asshole.

Yeah, well, I won't anymore.

I'm so sorry.

I don't know how they found me.

You've gotta go get 'em, Clark.

You've gotta get 'em.

No.

No way man.

I'm done.

What, do I have to pay you?

No, it's way too dangerous.

I saw a hobo get shot in the head.

People are trying to frame me.

And now all this?

I can't take this anymore.

But what about me?

What about you?

You think finding the people that did this

is going to make any difference?

Word's gonna get out.

They're gonna send those people back here

to finish the job.

No way man!

I'm done.

I'm gonna get you some ice.

Got some ice!

Easy does it.

Put you right here.

And alright.

Uh huh, it's your favorite.

There, get you some milk.

Woo!

Good.

Ah!

I'm sorry.

There you go.

Thank you.

Oh that's good, huh?

Yeah, I told you.

Peter Gallagher's really good in The O.C.

Okay, let me experience it on my own.

Just, you think like, there's no way he's gonna be good.

And he's like, great.

And that makes it amazing.

And those, I mean, those eyebrows man.

Jesus, they pierce right through you.

You won't stop talking about 'em.

I just want him to be my dad, you know?

Let me get that.

Thank you.

Sit back and relax.

Ah, thanks man.

Oh, this is where Ryan...

Which one's Ryan?

He's the main guy.

He talks about how he's brooding

and it's like really meta.

He's, this character is aware of,

that he is this character.

Who's Mischa Barton?

Huh?

Shouldn't you be out there,

finding the guys who did this to me?

Shhh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh.

You need your strength.

Clark, I can bathe myself.

Don't worry, I got it.

No man, I'm feeling a whole lot better.

And I really don't need you to be in here.

Hey.

Don't be too proud to ask for a little help.

You know what'd help?

If you went out and fought the guys who did this to me.

Holy cow.

Did you know you have a mole back here?

Hey, are you going out?

Yeah.

To destroy this.

You can't!

What's your deal, Dale?

I've done nothing but help you out

over the last few days.

It's my fault that this whole place got destroyed.

It's my fault that you got beat up.

And it's all because of this.

So I'm doin' my best to make it right.

You can make up for it by getting back out there.

You hated what I did!

I did.

But don't you feel some sense of responsibility?

An actual calling?

Nah.

It's time for Plan B.

What do you want?

Where is it?

Do you know the number?

No, I don't know the damn number!

How did they connect us?

I don't know.

Did you tell anyone you work with?

No.

Maybe they followed us and the saw us together.

I doubt it.

Dale's a cop.

Maybe he can just go in and...

Wait.

You don't think...

It can't...

He's the only one who knows you and I work together.

It can't be.

Call him!

Hey man, what's up?

Oh, thank God.

What?

Just uh, to hear that you answered

and everything's fine.

Oh, uh, totally.

Cool, cool.

So I'll see you later then?

Oh hey, real quick.

Does Anthony wanna hear his wife's voice?

She's a really terrible crier, it's so annoying.

Hey, Keto, take care of that.

You son of a bitch!

I'll kill the bastard.

No no no no.

What?

Where are we going?

I don't know.

Ch'ello?

Where are we going?

Oh, that'd be good to know, huh?

Yeah, that'd be good to know, Dale.

Where's Dean?

You didn't hear man?

Got crushed by his own brick wall.

That sucks.

Hey uhm, how much you guys wanna bet

I'll be the one that takes Spaghettiman down.

Incorrect.

That'll be me.

You wanna bet 50 on that?

Oh yeah.

I think I'll be the one to take Spaghettiman out.

Yeah, what makes you think that?

Simple.

Chop to the neck.

Don't you think if anyone could've done that,

he would've done that already.

I chop.

And then I kick.

Yeah, I think all you guys are gonna die.

Nah, nah guys, it's simple, alright?

You walk up to him.

You grab his dick.

You rip it off.

Uh, if you can get that close.

I'll get so close to his dick that I can smell it.

Then I'll rip it off.

It'll be easy.

Sweep the leg.

Punch him so hard in the nose, the nose goes into his brain.

And, if I'm allowed, I'll take the skull home.

Use it as a cereal bowl.

I've done the nose trick to a lot of guys.

It works really well.

Oh yeah?

How many.

I don't have to prove anything to you.

Shut up.

You guys realize it won't be this easy, right?

If, and when you guys fail, I will beat him.

One way.

The straight vertical fist to the face

with the step-in elbow to follow it up.

He's gonna expect another straight strike

so I step off on the angle,

spinning elbow.

Now I come back, around on the angle.

Across the face.

That's a knuckle-rake and a back-fist.

I step off again on the angle.

Chop to the neck.

Hit him up with the knee.

Now that he's up, he's injured, his nose is bleeding.

He's bloody, I drop levels,

two hard body-shots set him up for the straight jab.

Knock-out finish.

That, is how you beat a man.

You got that?

Yup.

You know, or we could just,

chop him to the neck.

But no, what you've got is, is the best.

Whoa whoa.

Where are you going?

I gotta go get her.

No, you don't.

It's too dangerous in there.

Besides, we don't know

what's going on in front of those doors.

They're looking for me.

I'm gonna go in.

You circle around back.

Find some other way in.

Great.

Where's Dale?

What?

Dammit

Fuck, are you serious?

Okay, now where's Dale?

That's not your concern.

Is Katie safe?

That is not your concern.

Where is she?

It's not your concern.

Okay tough guy.

What is my concern?

How fast you wanna die?

Fight!

I got this.

Hey guy, I don't know why you're

standing there with that stupid smile on your face

when I just took out all your men.

Oh, you're still gonna smile then?

Alright.

You asked for it.

Hiyah-hah.

Wha, whoa man.

Kat.

Anthony!

Come on, let's go.

Not yet.

We have to see if Clark's gonna achieve his destiny.

Okay.

Shirt ripper!

Ha ha ha, oh man!

Oh, man...

What is he doing?

No!

No!

Ah. Don't.

Stop.

Stop it.

This wasn't supposed to happen!

I don't give a shit about what's supposed to happen.

The Spaghettiman is dead!

I didn't hire you to do this.

Look, your plan was good but it had one problem.

And I fixed that problem and made it a lot better.

Now, we can discuss this problem.

But you can take a look at what happened

to the last guy who disagreed with me.

What the?

Dale, get back here...

Katie, you're alive.

Yeah, I'm fine, uh...

Did you guys see what was going on in here?

I was punching.

I was kicking.

Things were flying everywhere.

Yeah, it was on the camera in the other room.

Dale was recording this entire thing?

I don't know.

I was a little preoccupied.

That sucks.

It would be really cool if he was.

I was doing some real ninja stuff, you know.

Then I was dead!

I was dead and I came back to life.

I'm standing right here now.

Yeah, we were here.

Come on Anthony.

Don't act like it wasn't totally cool.

I don't think it wasn't totally not cool.

I'm wondering if you're gonna go catch Dale.

Yeah, I am.

Forgot my shoes!

Dale.

Dale, where are you?

Dale, get out here right now.

Dale, where did you...

Hey!

Up the fire escape, Dale?

How do I, you pulled up the ladder, Dale.

Damn Dale,

have to chase his stupid butt up a ladder.

By climbing on a pole.

Dale, you pulled up the fire escape, you idiot.

Jesus, I got killed and come back for this.

Dale has me climbing up a damn building

chasing his stupid butt up a ladder.

Judging by the state of the fire escape

this roof is surely not enforced.

Probably didn't even get

the building owner's permission...

What the hell are you doing, Dale?

This is it.

What do you mean?

Don't you see?

This is where you're gonna become

the superhero you need to be.

You tried to kill me

down there with your ninjas!

No, I set you up to beat them.

And now you have a choice.

Are you gonna kill the villain?

Or are you gonna save your friend?

Get away from that ledge, Dale.

No.

The Spaghettiman.

My true friend.

And my hero.

No.

You saved the pregnant woman.

You killed the henchman.

You saved your friend and you stopped the villain.

And you did it all for free.

Oh God.

Nooooooo!

Freeze!

Is that, Dale?

Spaghettiman's getting away!

Yeah, I know.

Dale!

What're you doing here, buddy?

Hahaha, this must be real embarrassing for you.

Hey, uh, you get a picture with him?

Yeah yeah.

Go ahead.

Yeah, get in there.

Put your hand out like this.

Okay, now make it good.

There you go, yeah.

Pose it.

Yeah, that's a good one.

One, two, three.

Hold it, yeah.

Got it?

That was a good one.

Do me, do me.

Is everything okay?

Paramedics say everything's fine.

Looks like Dale and his ninja gang

will be going away for awhile.

Cool.

That's cool.

What's wrong?

You stopped the bad guy and saved us.

Yeah.

Yeah I know.

For free too.

I know you probably don't wanna hear this...

But you're a hero.

Gaaaaah.

You saved Kat.

For free.

And my children.

For free.

And you saved my life.

For free!

I know.

And for that, I'll always be in your debt.

Wait.

Wait, your debt?

Like...

Like you owe me something?

Well, it's more like a figure of speech.

Like I owe you one, or...

Yeah. Yeah!

Like you owe me one.

Like you borrowed some money.

No. It's not literal.

It's like...

Yes!

Hey!

Where are you going?

I guess you're gonna have to

listen to that police scanner to find out.

It's 11 miles home to my place.

I'll get a ride home with you.