Original subtitles

* chains

* my baby's got me locked up in chains *

* and they ain't the kind

* that you can see

* whoa-ho

* these chains of love

* got a hold on me, yeah

* chains

* well, I can't break away from these chains *

* can't run around

* 'cause I'm not free

* whoa-ho

* these chains of love

* won't let me be, yeah

* aaaah

* now believe me when I tell you *

* I think you're fine

* I'd like to love you

* but, darling, i'm imprisoned by these *

all: * chains

* my baby's got me locked up in chains *

* and they ain't the kind

* that you can see

* whoa-ho

* these chains of love

* got a hold on me, yeah

* chains...

captioning made possible by lions gate films

call me sam.

i am a writer of literature.

i started writing the day my grandfather

sent my mom and me into exile,

a day when most human beings

would wallow in self pity.

i chose this moment to honor my calling.

so this is my story,

and unlike other writers of literature

i won't skip the good parts.

samuel.

daddy, don't pull the plantation master act with sam.

he's innocent.

nothing you touch is innocent.

one more mistake,

and the boy goes to the custer military academy.

are those implications clear?

oh, yes, your daddyship.

sam, come. Bring the cards.

sam: caspar claimed we were being exiled for our own good.

what a load of crap.

the truth is, he was planning to run for governor,

and the thought of lydia on the loose

scared the wadding out of him.

do you know why i'm sending you and your mom to wyoming?

'cause lydia messed up again?

you know, there comes a time

when you have to set aside all childish things.

but--

don't but grandpa.

go ahead. Throw 'em in.

sam: I had a good mind to go to wyoming and croak.

then he'd really be sorry.

good boy. Good boy.

sam callahan lay close to death.

in a cruel twist of fate, giving him comfort

was the most beautiful nurse he had ever seen.

i'm sorry. He's not going to make it.

sam. I'm sorry that I shipped you and your mom

out into the wilderness when you needed to be home most of all.

could you forgive me before you die, sam?

lydia: hold on, sugar.

i...can't.

so what did you do to hack caspar off so much?

not a thing.

not one iota of misconduct.

you told me about the cuban

and the strip show on the sailboat.

now, is this one so bad

that you can't tell me about it?

just think what i'm liable to imagine?

i'm as innocent as snow.

sam: when horace greeley said, "go west, young man,"

i don't think this is what he had in mind.

lydia drove 2,000 miles with the top down.

she had no concept of altitude or temperature

and couldn't read a map, so I navigated.

we'd made an oath that grandpa would never separate us.

so as we drove further and further from home,

it felt like we were orphans together,

and the first southerners ever lost in wyoming.

first boy: ...play.

second boy: come on, jimmy.

hey, sissy boy.

this one's for you, honey.

third boy: get ready for this one.

whoa!

second boy: he's not going to get it.

go get it. Go get it. Run! Come on.

first girl: look out!

hey, watch it!

sharp move, pinhead.

p.a.: attention, students and faulty.

the pep rally for friday's football game

will be after second period.

at 2 p.m. Today, we will conduct our a-bomb drill.

remember, students, duck and cover.

hi.

i'm howard stebbins.

sam callahan.

ok, gang.

open huckleberry finn to page 47

and go on to twain's brilliant use of negro dialect.

brilliant, my eye.

no one talks like that.

well, why do you suppose twain wrote in dialect

if no one talks like that?

he wanted huck to seem stupid

and jim even stupider.

I've heard southern accents on tv,

and no one talks like that.

well, huck is from missouri, which isn't the south.

heh, whoop-di-do.

we know that mark twain was one of the great proponents

of equal rights for all.

now, we appreciate that here in the equality state.

well, yeah, but twain hated jews.

are you jewish?

no.

well, how do you know he hated jews?

well, I can read.

how can you say that when you hate negroes?

i don't hate negroes.

but you're from the south.

everyone in the south hates negroes.

you can't deny it.

we can't stay here, mom.

our relationship is based on mutual respect, sam.

you must never fling in my face

the fact that i'm a mother.

these kids are nazis...lydia.

it's like the entire school was spawned

by the mating of first cousins.

well, I bet that's why none of the men here have chins.

even the teacher's a first degree ignoramus.

that goes.

i will not have the dead passing for art.

only caspar would pick a house that has that.

i made a decision about this banishment deal.

should I be told?

the way I conducted our life back in carolina didn't work.

i'll say.

so...

i'm calling a time-out.

no more connections for a while.

as of this moment,

i'm declaring myself an emotional catatonic.

well, how's a catatonic supposed to raise a kid?

we'll negotiate an arrangement.

now stand up straight. A gal is judged by her posture.

why do I have to go?

because our new neighbors are southern,

and what would they think if we didn't

go out of our way to make them feel at home?

but the kid's a squirrel.

gentlewomen do not compare people to animals, dear.

what?

welcome wagon.

hi, I'm laurabel pierce,

and this is my daughter maurey,

and we'd like to welcome you to grovont,

the friendliest little town in wyoming.

how quaint.

look, sammy. It's the welcome wagon.

hi.

now what have we here?

oh, this is a survival kit,

you know, for moving into the new house.

this is for you.

chicken pot pie?

yeah, the good kind with bottom crust.

maurey's dad can't abide pot pies

without good bottom crust.

"quick meals for the harried housewife."

yes, and every recipe starts with a can

of cream of mushroom soup.

well, fuck me silly.

do I look like a housewife to you?

no.

well, we just wanted you to feel at home

in grovont.

oh, sam and I won't be here long enough

to mingle with the natives.

there she is.

uh, dot!

oh, keep your pants zipped, jack.

i'll be with you when I'm with you.

her name is dot.

well, she should sue her parents.

what kind of woman would name a child "dot?"

so you're the folks renting doc wardell's place.

the guys paid me $1.00 apiece to find out if you're single.

tell the guys I have 5 husbands:

each one rich, mean, and jealous.

i'll be rotating them through on a weekly basis.

that line will be all over the valley by breakfast.

oh, just tell 'em I own a rifle.

so what happened in the seventh grade today?

you really want to hear?

if I don't want to hear, caspar will send you

to the custer military academy,

and we wouldn't want that, would we?

uh, in social studies miss sheets taught us how to write a check.

why, you've been writing checks since you were 6.

yeah.

and, uh, I think I'm in love with maurey pierce.

that's nice.

how do you know you're in love?

'cause I can't stand her.

well, that's always a good sign.

she hates my guts.

called me pinhead.

sounds like love to me.

you better eat that fast.

that gravy's turning to axle grease.

you know why I like you more than the other boys?

'cause we're the only 2 kids in seventh grade who can read?

no, silly.

because you're so handsome.

[record scratches then starts playing]

* after you've gone

* and left me cryin'

* after you've gone

* there's no denyin'

* you'll feel blue

* you'll feel sad

* you'll miss the sweetest gal *

* you ever had

whah!

you're licking the mirror.

i'm making contact.

with who?

myself.

sam...

you ever had a stiffy?

mom.

i just realized that--

it's been years since I saw your little weenie,

and it was so cute when you were a baby.

we had this black speckled basin

i used to wash you in,

and you would always pee straight up.

mom...

i hate when you talk about cute naked stuff

i did when I was little.

hmph.

uh, mom, mom, mom.

ssss.

i didn't let myself go.

you know when gulliver traveled to the land of yahoos,

he must have come here.

i think he just insulted you, lanell.

i don't care.

what kind of show-off studies on the bus anyways?

this isn't a schoolbook.

this is literature.

twins: litter-tour, litter-tour.

what literature?

uh, "it's a classic coming of age story

"portraying one woman's poignant experiences:

life, love, and sex."

what do you know about sex?

well, after I finish this book

i'll know a lot more than you.

not that knowing more about sex than you do is a challenge.

amen.

have you been saved?

from what?

you'll go to hell unless you finish every bit of that.

if a person goes to hell for not finishing a tuna croquette,

i think I lost my salvation a long time ago.

you coming?

yeah. Sure.

how's it going, sam?

couldn't be better, sir.

i don't know if you've heard,

but we're mighty proud of our football team

here at grovont high.

how'd you like to sign up?

well, I'd like to, sir, but my mom needs me at home.

she hasn't adjusted to the lack of humidity yet.

see, the thing is, it takes 22 players

to hold a practice, and I've only got 21,

and half of them still suck their mama's tit at night.

well, I no longer nurse, sir.

let me explain to you

the difference between an "a" and an "f" in english.

me coming out for football?

now, that's the old school spirit.

jump to the left. Jump to the right.

sit down. Stand up. Fight, fight, fight.

yeah, whoo!

all right, boys. Let's have a little game

of smear the queer with the ball, here.

hey, sammy. Why don't you tell us all

how your mama's hooters feel?

about the same as your sister's.

i ain't got a sister, stupid.

7-43, hut, hut.

all: uhh!

player: dothan sure got him good.

dothan: you think he's hurt?

stebbins: no, he's just playing possum.

sissy boy. Come on, get up.

stebbins: come on, sam. Get up.

get up!

tv: coverage continues on the assassination

of president john f. Kennedy.

at 12:35 central standard time,

president kennedy was shot

as his motorcade passed through downtown dallas.

governor connally was also shot.

thousands of mourners have gathered

at parkland memorial hospital

to mourn the passing of our--

pa-pop, pop.

they killed president kennedy.

are you sure?

it's on the news.

well, who killed him?

texans.

y'all cryin' over the nigger lover?

shut up, dothan.

hey, you know what all the kids

are getting for christmas this year?

a jack-in-the-box.

i never knew you cared.

ow.

what are you doing, boy! Huh, huh?

trying to take up for your girlfriend?!

huh?!

what the hell is your problem, boy?!

maurey: stop it.

hell, they started it, coach.

stebbins: lay off.

that little bastard's libel to hurt somebody.

the president is dead, and he was celebrating.

girl: let's get out of here.

maurey: let's get out of here.

sam: where?

we can watch the news at my house.

you think they'll Miss us?

all the rules are off today, sam.

nothing we do matters.

sam: I guess it all depends on your perspective.

as the rest of the country

was mourning their great loss,

things were actually starting to look up for me.

what do you bet

mom will have heard about the assassination,

but it's had no effect on her at all?

she'll be baking cookies and waxing the kitchen floor.

my mom's never baked a cookie in her life.

come on.

oh, you're home early.

they let us out on account of the assassination.

isn't it a shame about Mr. Kennedy?

i wonder if they'll let petey out early, too,

this afternoon?

well, I'll just finish these up,

and then I'll make us some hot cocoa.

this isn't a time for hot cocoa, mom.

it's always a time for cocoa.

the whole world's gone straight to hell in a handbasket.

i had to come down here

because my television is out of order.

what about you?

i don't have a tv.

oh, it's been years since I met anyone

who didn't own a television.

you must not meet many indians.

you're an indian?

blackfeet.

my daddy can't stand indians.

announcer: our country continues to mourn...

maurey: I wish my dad was here.

sam: where is he?

we have a horse ranch 10 miles up in the mountains,

and he has to feed every day

so he stays out there most of the winter.

what's your dad do?

i don't have a father.

did he die?

lydia won't tell me anything about him.

when she's drunk she claims virgin birth,

like mary and jesus.

i'd like to see my mom drunk.

it's not that neat.

she has these pictures

of 5 guys in old football uniforms

in her panty box.

her panty box?

i kind of figure one of them might be my dad.

what were you doing in your mother's panty box?

one of the guys is a negro.

mom! I'm home!

hey! We're watching that!

this stinks.

mom!

maurey won't let me watch rocky.

you know he watches rocky

every afternoon.

what's the matter with you?

look, brat.

the president of our country is dead.

some things are more important

than rocky the flying squirrel!

daddy!

hey.

how's my favorite girl?

uh...hi.

hi.

lydia, there's an indian in our kitchen.

oh, that's hank.

he's blackfoot-- Or feet,

i get it mixed up.

hank knows loads of nifty stuff

about the forest.

you went into the forest?

oh, it was a hoot, sam.

i tried something new.

how about that?

how about that.

well, you didn't expect me

to stay on this couch forever, did you?

so what's hank doing in our kitchen?

he's fixing supper.

some staple he said got his tribe through hard winters.

god, caspar's gonna pass a brick.

oh, isn't it wonderful?

hank, honey,

what's that indian thing you're making?

macaroni and cheese.

aah!

welcome wagon.

eww!

jeez.

yuck.

explain this.

sammy?

lydia, I think there's something wrong with me.

i must be sick or something.

you blew your nose in your sock?

this didn't come from my nose.

you masturbated?

i woke up with this stuff all over me.

were you dreaming right before you woke up?

was there a girl in your dream?

did you recognize her?

she kissed me, and I felt funny.

you had a wet dream, honey bunny.

boys have 'em all the time.

well, do something with it.

you know, things like this

don't happen to boys with fathers.

so crucify me.

every kid in wyoming probably knows what a wet dream is,

and they're laughing at me right now,

calling me a squirrel.

poor sammy.

you just moved a step closer to being a grown-up.

sam: I couldn't wait to tell maurey what I'd learned.

i explained the whole process to her,

except the part where her mom

triggered the mess on my belly.

how much goo came out?

a cup

not a quart.

how much, then?

well, it was all spread out.

about a third-cup.

i'll lose my virginity some day, and when I do,

i don't want to come off ignorant.

i want to know what's going on every second.

don't you kids know

that coffee will stunt your growth?

dot, do you and your husband have sex?

why, maurey pierce,

i should wash your mouth out with soap.

i didn't say a dirty word.

you did so.

sex is a dirty word?

we don't talk about that word

in mixed-gender company.

i'll be outside.

while maurey was getting the low-down from dot,

i turned to my dream girl.

i had so many questions.

i needed someone I could talk to,

someone who would be willing

to explore the secrets of love.

i needed a professional.

my mom won't be home for another 20 minutes.

do you want to do me again?

i don't know.

that'll be, what, 5 times

since school let out this afternoon?

sam, it's not romantic to keep score.

so what'd she say?

she said sex is a wonderful and special experience

but can only be done right when 2 people are in love.

grown-ups are so full of bull.

* I seen you half the night *

man: hey, delores, put it in the corner pocket.

geronimo!

delores: whoo! Yippee!

man: she did it!

that means I get to go again, right?

daddy wants to run for governor or something

and he thinks havin' an illegitimate grandson

underfoot would cause embarrassment.

that's why sam and i

have been banished to the hinterlands.

i was given a choice

between sam goes or we both go.

we got politicians in my family, too.

they're worse than cowdogs.

now, this doesn't mean that we're goin' steady.

yeah.

i mean, we're not even datin'.

you got that?

this is strictly--

strictly a one-night stand.

no commitments.

i don't want to feel.

got that?

hello.

idle hands are the devil's playground.

grandpa? Excellent!

now hand the phone to your mother.

lydia?

jeez, lydia.

grandpa? Lydia isn't here right now.

well, where is she?

she went for a job interview at the mormon church.

secretary or something.

your mother will never work a day in her life.

lydia's turned over a new leaf.

she's--must be the fresh air or something.

she's changed. She's responsible now.

i control the cash flow.

i respect that, sir.

tell her she dumps the indian

or faces the wrath of almighty god.

that would be you?

hi, sam.

your mom and 8 other drunks

rented a hotel room in dubois

after the bars closed last night.

they're having a party.

my cousin delores is there.

delores' husband told her mom

in hopes of getting delores dragged out,

but it didn't work.

well, I'm making coffee. You want some?

i want to explain the rules before we do this.

do what?

make sex. Why else would I be here?

we're gonna perform sex now?

after coffee.

it's time you and I find out

what the big deal is with this sex thing.

do you think lydia might come home today?

doubtful.

you think you can get a stiffy?

well, I don't know.

they sort of come and go on their own.

i haven't learned how to control them yet.

maybe it'll happen naturally.

well, I heard something about puttin' it in the girl's mouth.

ugh.

i'm not doing anything that might make me throw up.

we're both virgins.

i never said I was a virgin.

we're both virgins.

but someday we're gonna find ourselves

doing it for real.

so today's sex isn't real?

we're just friends helping each other

learn a new skill.

this is practice.

so will we still be virgins afterwards?

that's part of what we're gonna learn,

where the line

between virginity and non-virginity is.

here's rule number one:

you better not squirt.

and no kissing.

kissing is mushy emotional stuff.

we can't do this if you're going to get mushy.

i promise. No mush.

i wish we didn't have to be naked.

that's a big part of doing it, I'm sure.

go on.

you first.

jeez, louise.

your turn.

well, this is as far as I've dreamed.

i'm ready to quit.

sam.

i thought you'd be bigger.

well, it swells up when it gets stiff.

a horse's woodie is as big as its leg.

i don't think it's fair

to compare people to horses.

this doesn't look possible.

horses do it with the stallion standing up behind the mare.

forget horses, ok?

you got a better idea?

maybe if I stand on a chair.

well, my books don't say anything

about the girl standing on chairs.

books skip this part

and go right on to how wonderful it was.

well, maybe if we kiss.

i told you. No kissing.

maybe if you touch it with your hand.

ok, but don't look.

that's my belly button, sam.

sam! Huh?

this is nowhere near a third of a cup.

uh!

did we lose our virginities yet?

i sure as hell didn't!

lydia: dibs on the can!

ahh! The hell with that!

ohh, crap it all, anyway.

maurey: sam, meet my cousin delores.

hi. Howdy.

maurey, I won't tell laurabel I saw you here

if you don't tell her that you saw me.

what's in the bottle?

turpenhydrate and codeine.

it's really good for when you want

to stop drinking.

lydia: whoo!

your turn.

hi, mom.

who?

hi, lydia.

this is my friend maurey from school.

oh. Welcome wagon.

my mom made me come.

she thinks she's betty crocker.

now, never be embarrassed by your mother.

sam's embarrassed of me, and look how he turned out.

delores: had to whiz like a race horse.

i swear to god you do not buy

codeine cough syrup, you rent it.

what have you kids been up to all morning?

gin rummy. I owe maurey $3.50.

no, we weren't.

we were trying to have sex,

only we couldn't do it.

why were you trying to have sex?

i want to know what it feels like before I hit puberty

and have to do it for real,

and I figured sam would be more popular

if he knew how to please girls.

he hasn't been all that popular so far.

what's the matter, honey?

you havin' problems keepin' your weenie up?

it stood up.

but we couldn't figure out where he should go in from.

and then he squirted.

your turn.

you and your mama have little chats like this?

my mother thinks i'm sweet 14

and never been kissed.

i knew where to go in, I think,

but it wouldn't go.

i must be too big.

nobody's too big.

were you good and excited?

excited?

wet. Yeah.

excited when you're...

wet. Yeah.

nice and wet.

down there.

should I have used water?

water don't quite cut it.

cigarettes.

foreplay is the only proper way

a gentleman excites a lady.

what's foreplay?

you know, it's when a man squeezes your boobs

and then whispers real dirty in your ear.

delores!

lydia.

i wish my mother had taken time

to talk to me about those things.

all right.

if you kids are gonna do this,

you might as well do it right.

oh, no.

now...

maurey looks somethin' like that, right?

my eyes were closed.

what you want to do is you want to go in down here,

and one of you is gonna have to grab it and angle it right,

'cause it'll just take years before it slides in on its own.

mm-hmm. Years.

now, 2 things.

you two go ahead and play your little boy/girl games,

but the first sign of a period in maurey

and the game stops.

what's a period?

number 2...

is a matter of form.

you don't talk like this in front of adults.

at your age,

sex is something you-- You run around and hide.

why?

well, society would fall apart

if people were honest about screwing.

sam, let's go to your room and read comic books.

yeah. Yeah. Comic books sound fun.

oh, I did a bad thing.

no.

10-letter word for lampoon.

uh, satirize.

it's too short.

will you explain to me about women?

women are right and men are wrong,

and that's all you need to know.

i mean about liking.

now that maurey and I have done it,

will she like me?

maurey will always have a warm spot in her heart

whenever she thinks about you.

but she says we're just friends.

well, you're lucky. That way you can have the fun of love

without the heartbreak.

but what if I like her

and get my heart broke anyway?

then you're a sucker.

here's the deal, sam. If you sleep with a girl

and afterwards she likes you as a friend,

then she's always gonna like you as a friend

and she's never gonna like you as a lover.

and there ain't nothin' in this hell-bitch world

you can do about it.

hank: are you afraid to admit

that the other night meant something?

lydia: what happened between us is just what I like most:

sex without consequences.

hey, mom, I'm home.

hank: if I'm stupid, I go to jail.

if you're stupid, you get shipped off

to live with the commoners for a few months.

the worst thing that could possibly happen to you

is you might lose your trust fund.

well, I'm not about to spend the rest of my life

waitin' for free cheese at the county extension office.

got rid of another one.

why don't you just go screw your little girlfriend

and leave me alone?

we're going on a double date to the saturday matinee.

what, you and me and another couple?

no, me and dothan and you and chuckette morris.

but dothan's our mortal enemy.

he's your mortal enemy. He's my boyfriend.

but dothan cheered when john kennedy died.

he said "nigger."

he's just repeating crap his jerk-racist dad spews at home.

he didn't know any better.

well, he rubbed our faces in the dirt.

and he apologized.

well, not to me.

dothan was jealous when he saw us sitting together.

he's liked me since the fifth grade.

well, do you like him?

that's not the point. Dothan has a learner's permit and a car.

we can double with you and chuckette.

well, I can't stand chuckette morris.

yeah, but she likes you.

this is your big chance to get a date.

hurry up, sam. Mom will be home soon.

* do the manta ray

* do the squid

* ooh, yeah, baby, like I knew you did *

* do the lobster, baby, do the eel *

you gonna kiss me or not?

* whoo, baby, I like how that feels *

* yahoo

* yeah, yeah

* swim like that

* yahoo, check my fins out *

well, you'll have to take out your gum.

aw, but you just bought it.

suit yourself.

gosh...

i didn't know when I moved here if I'd fit in, but...

you kids are really great!

* yahoo

* check my fins out

* yahoo

ok, you win.

[chomps, sighs]

* yahoo

* swim it now

* yahoo

* check her fins out

* yahoo

* get on your mark

* yahoo

* let's do the shark

* aah-ooh

ah! Ooh!

you bit my tongue!

ooh!

get her, sammy.

oh, god. That was disgusting.

it was a kiss.

with your wet, gross tongue hanging out?

ooh, is that how boys back east kiss?

that's how everybody kisses, charlotte.

it's not--that's not how the nazarenes do it.

daddy said boys would try to get me passionate

so they could make me pregnant and ruin my life

and trick me into going to hell.

you don't sound passionate.

i wasn't ready that time.

let's try again.

* just you and me

* yeah, ooh

* gonna take him home to sample my cookin' *

* not even if

* my mama and dad were there *

* oh

you're home, sam.

do you wanna come in? Lydia got some new records.

no, thanks. I'll just have dothan take me on home.

are you sure?

get out of the car, sam.

i'll be fine.

* he doesn't seem such a bad kinda guy *

you'll be ok?

what do you think

i'm gonna do to her, for crissakes?

go on, sam.

* waa

* I've heard about him

* bad things about him

* I've heard about him

* bad things about

* him

* I've heard about him

* bad things about him

* I've heard about

* him atta boy, sam.

i see don juan has decided

to grace us with his presence.

* here comes the bride

* all dressed in white

* da da da da da da da da da da *

hey, hey, what's with the don juan crack?

so you slipped the tongue to chuckette.

well, she said "kiss me," and I kissed her.

she claims you were smack dab passionate.

where'd you learn to kiss, anyway?

just watchin' lydia and her boyfriends.

if mom lets me out, i'll be over after dick van dyke.

maybe we could try kissing this time.

do you practice sex with dothan?

of course not, silly.

he's my boyfriend.

morning, darling.

i like a boy who goes through the line with me

and carries my tray.

it's all right this time,

but your manners will have to improve

since we're going steady.

who said we're goin' steady?

well, everyone.

you know what you did to me at the picture show.

well, there's more to a commitment than biting someone's tongue.

well, that behavior may pass back east,

but here in wyoming, we're moral.

that reminds me. You have to give me your jacket.

what?

well, it'll be a letter jacket next year.

we'll make do for now.

charlotte, it's freezing outside.

what better way to prove your love for me

than to sacrifice your jacket for my own comfort?

well, I don't wanna prove my love.

they'll--they'll think you took advantage of me.

they'll say I'm cheap.

dothan: come on, maurey, let's go.

jesus.

sam: hank's truck out front was a good sign.

the pipes had been frozen when I left for school,

which put lydia in an even nastier mood

than she had been in since their fight.

i figured they were upstairs havin' a makeup orgy.

i was glad for them. They really seemed to like each other,

but after all, your mom is your mom,

and I'd hoped they'd hear me and stop.

i wasn't in the mood to hear moans and groans from my own mother.

mom.

mom.

mom.

lydia?

hi, honey bunny.

hi, lydia.

hank crawled under the house with a torch

and thawed the pipes.

wasn't that nice of him?

give us a sip.

lydia: um, there's a letter from caspar

on the kitchen table.

yeah, what's grandpa got to say?

aw, usual threats.

nothin' for you to worry about.

we are livin' so clean and wholesome here in wyoming,

even caspar can't touch us.

ta-da.

i didn't have time to wrap it.

well, what else were you doin'?

now you can listen

to your stupid baseball games all night.

thanks, mom.

sam.

i mean, thanks, lydia.

mmm. Yuck.

mmm. Yuck.

my present's out in the back.

so, we gonna keep him?

don't be ridiculous. He's not a sweater.

i never said he was.

besides, we won't be here that long.

happy christmas.

what's that?

by tradition, it oughta be a horse,

but I wasn't sure you wanted one.

sam helped me choose it.

hey, I told him you'd never get on it.

not in a million years.

well, you got that right.

yep, I said caspar won't let you ride a bike.

whoo!

come on, sam.

sam: all right.

yahoo. Hey.

i'll give you 5 bucks if you can knock my cowboy hat off.

maurey: come on, catch up.

sam: yeah.

see? I can ride. Look, no hands.

yeah, right. Well, one hand.

i'm gonna-- I'm gonna...

don't run me over.

whoa, whoa, whoa!

whoa!

lydia: hey, baby, you ok?

we should have got her that damn horse.

hank: catch her!

this ain't so hard.

come on, hurry up.

get back here, lydia!

* he cares for me like I hoped he would now *

* somethin' tells me i'm into somethin' good *

* somethin' tells me i'm into somethin' *

* somethin' tells me i'm into somethin' *

time out.

* good

maurey doesn't love me, sam.

she loves you. You can have her.

well, that's awfully sporting of you.

no sweat...

i'm in love with another.

* when he got me home and he held my hand *

* I knew it wouldn't be just a one-night stand *

* 'cause he asked to see me next week *

* and I told him he could

* he asked to see me and I told him he could, well *

* somethin' tells me i'm into somethin' good *

* somethin' tells me i'm into somethin' *

* somethin' good

* oh, yeah

* somethin' good

* somethin' tells me i'm into somethin' *

* somethin' tells me i'm into somethin' good *

is lydia here?

yeah, we're goin' on a picnic.

you wanna come?

is lydia coming?

well, yeah.

lydia: hank promised we'd see

a magnificent view of the lake.

he'd better not be lyin'

hey, look.

in nature, a person can be idealistic.

you can believe in things.

well, like what?

like beauty...

and the nobility of humans.

people in the cities cannot believe in nobility

because they see no sign of it.

i just love it when he talks like chief joseph.

how can you tell if you're pregnant?

well, the game was supposed to end

when you got your first period.

i haven't had a period yet.

w

well, I...

i hardly know what being pregnant

feels like myself.

i was only with child once,

and I wasn't much older than you.

i'm just a kid. I can't have a baby.

see? That's what I thought.

you didn't call me this weekend.

i don't know why I go steady with you.

you're supposed to call me at least once a day.

sharon's boyfriend calls her house

a dozen times a day,

and then lets the phone ring once and then hangs up

just to let her know he still loves her,

and this morning, you didn't even notice my new skirt.

i was so appalled. I mean, even rodney made a compliment,

and did I get anything from you? No.

it hurts. I'm trying to look nice for you.

i mean, you are my boyfriend.

if this relationship doesn't start

to come to my end of it,

then I'm afraid this will not work out.

are you ok?

well, what do you think?

well, if you're pregnant, i'll marry you.

sam, I can't marry you.

why not?

i'm 14 years old.

lydia: it's not gonna be that bad, honey.

oh, shh, wait, shh.

shh. One second.

whoa.

we can rent an apartment. I'll get a job.

oh, sam. Don't be a squirrel.

are you comin' or not?

yeah.

good, you navigate.

you know, nobody asked me

what I wanted to do about the baby.

no, no one's going to, either.

lydia: delores says this is a nasty town,

and she doesn't mean "nasty" in a nice way.

I've gotta be home before mom gets back from idaho falls.

lydia: well, let's do it, then.

are you all right?

they're ready for you.

this is the shits.

you're gonna be ok.

i know.

nurse: right this way, sweetheart.

here you are, dear.

girl: thank you.

i don't know why we're here.

sam, stop fidgeting.

i'm gonna go wait in the waiting room.

fine.

sam.

maurey.

oh, let's go.

woman: maurey.

maurey.

lydia: laurabel pierce and coach stebbins?

it puts new meaning into welcome wagon.

daddy.

oh, I'm sorry. Daddy.

how could maurey and her mom

have an abortion at the same time?

there's only one clinic doin' 'em

for hundreds of miles,

and then only on saturdays.

i bet there never was that bridge club in idaho falls.

while daddy's up at the ranch

taking care of the horses,

mom's naked with howard stebbins

sticking his greasy thing in her.

i hate mothers.

it's all right.

lydia: are you sure you don't wanna come home with us?

maurey: I have to fix petey's supper.

mom might not make it home till late.

sam, she's barefoot.

oh.

i'll see you tomorrow.

so, are we gonna keep the baby?

i can't think about that now, sam.

ok.

* these foolish tears i'm cryin' over you *

* this foolish heart

what's the matter with you?

* what else to do

i deserve some fun tonight.

raisin' kids is a lot of responsibility.

how would you know?

* the world's still callin' *

well, what does that infer?

* be true

i didn't know she would get pregnant.

you know, I've just about had it

with your judgmental attitude.

those kids were 14,

and you taught them sex games.

your father is right.

sam couldn't be worse off in a military school.

* all those hours that I spent here *

you finished with that?

* makin' nice

come on, dougie, dance with me.

hey. Come on.

* but I've lied to myself that you'd still wait *

* you should have changed

[door latch unlocks]

lydia: come on, dougie.

yeah.

who do you have to fuck in this joint

to get a cup of coffee?

i heard hank's truck last night.

he knows what you were doing.

so shoot me.

hey.

lydia.

well, you gonna have the baby?

i guess so.

really?

why are you so happy?

i don't know. I guess I'm just ready to be a father.

mornin', ladies.

mmm.

what's hank doin'?

dot: what's that he's got?

that's our moose.

he's drunker than a skunk.

hank doesn't drink.

maybe he's sick.

oh, shoot.

hey, butt-face.

don't call me butt-face.

maurey's pregnant. You could have hurt her.

your mother's a whore.

yeah, well, that still doesn't give you the right to hurt maurey.

i'm sorry...

but your mother's still a whore.

you ok?

another pitiful man put his hopes on you,

and you took him down.

fuck you, sam.

fuck you, too, mom.

sam: your parents have a really nice ranch.

thanks.

are you sure you should be doin' that?

dad says I was born on a horse. Come on.

you mean, you want me to get up there?

why not, silly?

come on.

sam: is your dad suspicious yet?

maurey: if we were older,

he'd be watching you like a coyote.

right now his worst fear is

lydia might give me a cigarette.

what about your mom?

does she know you're still pregnant?

mom won't say a word,

but I can tell she's going nuts to find out.

she sneaks in my room

when she thinks i'm asleep

and stares at me for hours.

it's spooky.

maurey: isn't being friends much better

than being girlfriend and boyfriend?

if you were my boyfriend

i'd never show you this spot

because we might break up

and then where would I be?

well, where would you be?

someone I don't like would know my secret.

but I still want to have sex with you.

we can't have sex now.

you're my friend.

i can't risk losing you

for something as silly as sex.

i'm confused.

you bike back into town without me.

i think I'll talk to dad.

are you sure?

it's time.

is there any chance you might

skip the part about who the father is?

i'll try, but you and lydia

better lock your doors tonight.

hi.

lydia: thanks, sugar.

maurey told her dad about the baby this afternoon.

what do you think he'll do?

buddy pierce will brand your butt.

are you speaking literally or metaphorically?

well, I'm god's gift to horses.

well, yes, sir, but I accidentally

squirted into your daughter

and, well, now she's with child.

no!

can I live here till the baby comes?

of course.

so, how'd it go with your dad?

he said I'm a slut

and he's ashamed to have me as a daughter.

well, you probably just surprised him.

just give him a few days. He'll come around.

no, he won't.

daddy has morals and I don't.

i'm gonna go sleep on the couch.

no!

that's too far away.

sleep here on the floor in case I need you.

now, all your life I've tried to set an example

of how to deal with public disapproval.

it's time to show me what you've learned, honey bunny.

i feel like lee harvey oswald.

it's like we have the ultimate cooties.

yeah, I'll see you at lunch there, sammy-boy.

i'm sorry I got maurey pregnant

while I was going steady with you.

sam?

did she tell on me?

tell on you?

does her father know about...you know?

that you and her mom shared an abortion?

no.

i think she loves her dad too much

to tell him that you screwed her mom.

i haven't talked to laurabel

since the day at the clinic.

you can tell maurey that.

so you got her an abortion, then dumped her?

well, wasn't that what I was supposed to do?

how'd everybody find out?

now that I've told dad

it doesn't matter who else knows.

so, who'd you tell?

him.

sammy-boy, how's it shaking?

about the same.

good. We still on for friday night?

town without pity's playing at the movies.

hey, you ought to bring chuckette

and maybe saturday night we'll go parking.

well, I don't know. I'll have to ask chuckette.

he'll have to ask chuckette.

this boy gets any funnier,

they're gonna put him on tv.

hey, how come dothan didn't beat me up at lunch today?

he's an understanding kind of guy.

and I said I'd break up with him

if he was mean to you.

sam: spring in wyoming lasts all of 2 weeks

and is marked by mud and rampant pregnancy.

with all of nature knocked up,

maurey and I felt right at home.

we discovered the best thing about being ostracized

by an entire town is that people leave you alone.

with hank gone, lydia was crankier than usual,

and the rising heat didn't help maurey's mood much, either.

she said being pregnant was wretched,

but to tell you the truth,

it didn't bother me that much.

i'm going for a bike ride. You wanna come?

sure.

do you brush your teeth every day?

yes, mom.

and use a fresh towel after every shower.

i will.

bye.

sam: I can't believe we have to bring dothan.

he's my boyfriend, sam.

you better be nice to him.

what happened to your arm?

my daddy broke it.

why, for god's sakes, would he do that?

'cause I was mouthin' off.

so he broke your arm?

i deserved it. Can we just drop it?

dropped.

howdy, folks.

you're gonna be glad you came out today.

we got a real good rodeo fair here at grovont.

rained a little earlier, sun's out nice now.

mud and blood is what rodeo's all about.

announcer: folks, let's have a big hand for joe brannigan.

a big hand is all he's gonna win today.

whoo! Whoo!

the timed mastery of a horse

is nothing more than competitive sex.

proof that man can subjugate anything wild and beautiful

once he gets it between his legs.

what gets me is they want a belt buckle

for lasting 8 seconds.

our next contestant in the bulldogging competition

is hank elkrunner from right here in grovont.

announcer: that 5.4-second ride

puts hank elkrunner square in the lead.

i fail to see how hurling a dumb animal to the earth

makes a man the object of mass approval.

announcer: thank you kindly, hank.

looks like a stud to me.

hank: thanks, folks.

announcer: ladies and gentlemen,

if you'll just stay calm,

let our cowboys get in there.

we have professionals on the scene.

buddy: give me some help here.

get somebody in here. He's hurt.

i might ought to see about mom.

i'll go with you.

announcer: it's unfortunate that these things happen...

come on! Move it! Excuse me.

announcer: ...medical teams on staff out right here

and they will take care of him.

watch him. Easy, easy.

i'll be back in a bit.

announcer: thank you, fellas. He's gonna be fine.

mama--

have to clean the floor before buddy comes home

'cause buddy will be angry.

mom, it's ok. Leave the floor to later.

no, I can't leave any tracks in the linoleum.

she's nuts. Ought to be locked up.

this is your fault.

no more than you.

you! My baby!

you killed my baby!

what's she talking about?

baby! Killed my baby!

mom, no, it's ok.

no! No! Mama--

mom!

maurey: mama, what are you doing?

get this off of me!

announcer: attention, cowboys in the arena...

woman: she's having a nervous breakdown.

maurey: please, we need to help her.

woman: she's gonna get hurt out there.

announcer: can we get some help in for the lady, please?

ladies and gentlemen, everything'll be just fine.

just stay in the stands and let the cowboy take care of it.

thank you, hank. Appreciate it.

no! Easy, ma'am.

no, get away from me!

get away from me.

it's all right.

mama?

it's gonna be all right.

buddy would still be at the hospital.

we'll follow you out there in case you need us.

pride means nothing if you lose a good man.

yeah.

will someone please explain to me

what all this pride nonsense is about?

life's too short for me to waste any of it.

i'll see you around.

heh.

lydia: hey!

you can't get away from me,

you red-skinned son of a bitch.

hey, I'm talking to you!

hey!

you think she'll get him?

hank don't stand a chance.

i'm your squaw, damn it!

hank, you listen to me! Hank!

lydia: come here, baby.

what--what--ok! Geronimo, baby!

weird.

you know why women fake orgasms?

i don't give a hoot why women fake orgasms.

i'm not comfortable.

women fake orgasms--

listen to the birthday girl.

women fake orgasms

because men fake foreplay.

ha ha ha ha!

you know, sometimes when I have a real orgasm,

i tell the man that I faked it

just so he doesn't get cocky.

i hate cocky men!

my baby's going to be raised on marshmallows.

lydia: well, I raised sammy on dr pepper.

look how he turned out.

i turned out ok.

says who?

aah! Whoo!

aah! Aah! Get him, hank!

delores: get him, hank!

get his feet, hank. Get his feet.

lydia: delores...

sit on his feet.

hank, get the marshmallows. You're dead!

put the marshmallows in his ear!

delores: say uncle. Say uncle!

no!

hi-ho, silver, away!

delores.

delores: uh-oh.

get up, sam.

i said get up on your feet.

samuel, get on your feet.

this is your sunday uniform

at the custer military academy.

as soon as you clear that mucky gunk out of your ear,

you'll go in the house and put it on.

daddy. Be silent, girl.

we are going home now.

we will place samuel at custer,

and then you and I will proceed onto greensboro.

wait a second. We can't go home.

we're having a baby.

well, I'm sure that little girl

has a mother of her own.

my mother's in the nuthouse.

be that as it may,

you made your bed, now you must lie in it.

i will not stand by and see my grandson

snared by a spider.

maurey is not a spider.

i told you to be silent.

well, I won't. You just can't

come in here and ruin everything.

this is our home now.

these people are our family.

family. Ha ha!

a floozy, a kiowa,

and a very pregnant little girl.

tell me, which member of your new family

is going to pay next month's rent?

blackfeet.

just exactly what is that supposed to mean?

hank: I'm blackfeet, not kiowa.

i understand you live in a one-room trailer.

do you think she's gonna like living there

and carrying your papooses?

daddy, you are such an asshole.

well, that could be.

when you get to the point

where you can pay your way in life,

you can live anywhere you want

and in any disgusting manner you want.

but as long as I'm paying the bills,

you will do as I dictate.

is that understood?

go inside and put your uniform on.

son, you don't have a lot to say about it.

sam: I decided life was a gyp.

why couldn't people just do what I wanted?

maurey wasn't in love with me.

not in the right way.

if we were in love like romeo and juliet,

we could fight caspar.

we could flee into the mountains

or chain ourselves to a rock.

romeo and juliet were 14,

and no one treated them like children.

but, of course, they died at the end.

hey. How'd you get here from town?

hank brought me.

he's at the ranch talking to dad.

your grandfather isn't happy with you.

i'll never put on that uniform. Never!

yes, you will.

you and lydia are both hopeless, and we all know it.

i won't leave you and the baby.

i'll hide in the mountains

and live on bushes and frogs if I have to.

we made a mistake.

this baby's coming whether anybody's ready or not.

don't be sad, sam.

no matter how bad everything is,

you and I will have a baby.

you'll be 18 in 4 years. Then you can come back.

come on.

come on. Will you--

sam: I'm gonna get you. Maurey: no, no!

you're going in the water.

sam? Are you ok?

i just felt the baby.

p.a.: Dr. Jenkins to labor and delivery.

dr. Jenkins to labor and delivery, please.

congratulations, mr. Pierce.

you're a grandfather.

all right.

well, what about me?

you have a daughter.

her name is shannon.

that's pretty.

can I touch her?

ok, but be gentle. Babies aren't footballs.

yeah, they don't travel as far when you kick 'em.

that's not funny, sam.

i hope she grows up to have my looks and dad's brains.

well, what about me?

she'll have your heart.

it's hard to see how goo on a sock can lead to this.

pretty cool, huh?

yeah.

i wanna go home.

after we eat.

whoa, I can't go in there.

my grandfather will kidnap me.

your grandfather will not kidnap you.

yeah, he'll take me straight to custer military academy.

i won't let him.

come on.

caspar: hi, sam.

so, what'd she name the baby?

shannon.

oh, my god.

that'll never do.

my baby's name is shannon.

who do I have to fuck in this joint

to get a cup of coffee?

ah, keep your pants zipped, jack.

mom?

mutual trust and respect, sam.

always remember what our relationship is based on.

i may have a granddaughter, but I'm not 30 yet.

well, you can't work here, lydia.

watch me.

she won't last a month.

the first time she breaks a fingernail,

she'll be coming home to daddy.

fat chance, daddy.

so does this mean I don't have to go to custer?

that's right. As long as we pay our own way,

the old goat can't force us anywhere.

she'll never make the rent on tips.

well, dot does.

hank: and I'm moving in, too.

selling my trailer and coming to town.

maurey's family will help pay on rent.

maurey's moving in?

well, part-time while buddy's up at the ranch.

now, what can I get you fellas?

i don't have all day to chit-chat with the rabble.

sam callahan, I wanna have your baby.

we all wanna have your baby.

we want you to be the dad of a new generation.

i'm sorry.

i would love to father your child,

but my heart belongs to my true love.

it's just not proper to have babies

by more than one girl at a time.

you've broken my heart.

be strong. Someday you will understand

the theory of one man, one baby.

i'm going into green river

after cheerleading practice,

so you'll have to handle the 6:00 feeding.

well, I'm the father, not the baby-sitter.

same difference.

now, be a good baby.

lydia'll help you if you need anything.

i won't need lydia.

bye. Maurey: bye, sam.

sam: the future lay before sam

like the great american novel

just waiting to be written.

lydia would marry hank and join the welcome wagon.

maurey would grow to love sam

the way mothers are supposed to love fathers.

shannon would grow up

to be beautiful, talented, and virginal.

sam knew the trail ahead would be long, steep,

and littered with horse manure,

but he was ready now,

'cause somehow, some way,

the waitress, the indian, the cheerleader,

and the 15-year-old father would survive.

they were the modern american family.

captioning made possible by lions gate films

captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org--

* do the manta ray

* do the squid

* ooh, yeah, baby, like I knew you did *

* do the lobster, baby

* do the eel

* oh, yeah, baby, I like how that feels *

* yahoo, swim like that

* yahoo, check her fins out *

* yahoo, get on your mark

* yahoo, let's do the shark *

* yahoo, do it now

* yahoo, check my fins out *

* yahoo, get on your mark

* yahoo, let's do the shark *

* yahoo, swim it now

* yahoo, check her fins out *

* yahoo, get on your mark

* yahoo, let's do the shark *

* ahh

* ooh

* yahoo

* yahoo

* yahoo

* yahoo

* do the manta ray

* do the pike

* now that's what this should feel like *

* yahoo

* yahoo

* yahoo

* ahh

* ooh

* do the swordfish

* my heart don't miss

* swimming in the sea

* just you and me

* yahoo

* yahoo

* yahoo

* yahoo