Original subtitles

A real girlfriend going on a real date.

I'm just not sure if that's me.

My 12:30. He also wants a girlfriend.

400 pounds worth of chat and cuddles.

[buzzer]

I'm his wife.

You're workin'.

I'm doing it properly this time.

I've seen Stephanie, and she's taking me on.

It's just sex. What you have--

What the hell would you know?

Prostitutes don't even have relationships.

I can't go out with you.

You're exactly what I want.

I'm not.

I'm trying to break up with you.

I don't do that very often.

( piano theme playing )

Fantastic sex.

Unpaid.

With someone I actually like a bit.

Quite a bit, I think.

When did sex become so complicated?

( sniffs )

( whispers ) Shit.

First client in six days. Cannot be late for this.

( upbeat horn theme playing )

( whispers ) Alex.

( yells ) Alex.

Hmm. ( laughs )

I'm sorry.

What? I have to leave.

What's the panic?

I've, um, I've got a meeting.

On a Saturday?

Yeah, I'm-- I'm meeting a friend.

Jemima, from school.

For lunch. I'll come.

Uh, no. No, um.

You can't come without a warning.

It's just not very polite.

Well, text her and warn her.

She's a bit-- She's a bit weird.

She's not very nice to men.

She's a horrible, horrible, horrible woman,

and you do not want to have lunch with her.

Okay. Okay.

( upbeat theme playing )

HANNAH: Not one of my usual hotels.

But then, this isn't a usual kind of job.

This one's been set up by my new best friend.

Bambi's idea of a favor.

A threesome with-- Wait for it.

--a distinguished nightclub owner.

Bambi is a complete liability but,

needs must.

BAMBI: Belle?

What's wrong?

You're gonna kill me, babes.

What happened?

I've got a little friend come to stay.

Who?

Auntie Flow.

Bambi, have you taken something?

What? No. I--

I've got the painters in.

Oh, you're taking the... I know, I know, I know.

Please don't shout at me. My head's banging.

I'm not shouting. How can you not know when your period's due?

Page one, Bambi.

I don't know. I just forgot.

I lost my diary. This month's flown by.

I've been up the wall.

Look, we can call Stephanie,

get one of the other girls in. He's here in five minutes.

Well, I'll just say that my Nan's died, and it's just you.

We can give him a discount. No, absolutely no way.

It's completely unprofessional.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

( rock theme playing )

What's this?

That's sponge.

And what am I supposed to do with it?

( clicks tongue )

Not on your life, babe.

Okay.

Belle, wait.

What if it's got Jiff on it?

It's straight out the packet.

Are you sure it's gonna work?

If it's up high enough it should be fine.

( groans )

Fine.

( knock on door )

( rock theme playing )

Beautiful.

Close. Belle.

Ha-ha. A girl with a quick wit.

Love it, love it, love it.

Martin.

Delighted to meet you, Belle.

So, uh, captivating as you are, Belle,

I trust this isn't a party just for two?

( door opens ) Ah.

Hi, there, I'm Bambi.

Wham, bam, Bambi.

So, uh, can I get you anything, Martin?

I think I've got everything I need, thank you very much.

Oh, yeah. ( jazzy theme playing )

My God, is that what I look like?

I mean, she looks ridiculous.

It's not her fault, she's just doing her job.

That's what the client wants, that's what the client gets.

Come on, Belle, get involved.

( both groaning )

Hey!

What about that, then?

Here we go, Bambi!

Oh, you both love it, don't you?

Tell me you love it, girls.

I love it.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Belle, what's going on?

( whispers ) Get a grip. Come on, get a grip.

Sorry about that.

Everything okay? Yeah, I just had a dizzy spell.

Ah, don't worry.

I tend to have that effect on women, Bella.

( laughing )

No, no, actually, no. I can't do it.

Can't you put your head between your legs?

Have a glass of water of something.

I'm not dizzy. I'm just not gonna have sex with you.

You're a prostitute, for God's sake.

She's new.

Fine, I'll do everything but have sex.

So will my wife, that's why I'm here.

It's not gonna happen.

( door slams )

HANNAH: It's not funny, Ben.

Come off it. He was wearing a leopard-print thong.

It's completely understandable.

No, it wasn't because of his pants.

Come on, you're just having a weird one.

Take a couple of days. Chill out.

I've been off all week.

What are you talking about? You haven't had a night off.

I've been trying to get hold of you.

I met someone.

What do you mean?

A man. His name's Alex.

What, you haven't been working?

No. I'm so--

I'm sorry, I really wanted to tell you about it.

It's just happened so quickly,

and I haven't had time to think about it.

What's happened so quickly?

Me and him. You and him?

Ben, do you wanna stop repeating everything I say?

Sorry. S-sorry.

Since the last time I saw you,

you met someone who's become a "you and him"?

I met someone and it's fun.

We're having fun.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you before,

you know what it's like. When you met Vanessa--

When I first met Vanessa, I told you the very next day.

Yeah, but it took you a month to tell me you proposed to her.

I didn't lie to your face, Han.

Oh, Ben, come on, I'm sorry.

I'm telling you now, aren't I?

Jesus, so it's a week later. Shoot me.

What does he do?

He's a doctor.

What does he think of your job?

Surprise, surprise, Ben. I haven't told him.

Anyway, I might not have a job if I carry on like I did today.

Is that because of him?

Is what because of him?

Well, could you not go through with it because of him?

'Cause of Alex?

I don't know, it's--

Every time I shut my eyes I just kept picturing him,

and the whole thing just felt a bit wrong.

It's more than a bit of fun, then, isn't it?

HANNAH: I've known him five minutes.

But you're...? What but?

There is no but. He's nice. We're having fun.

It's no big deal.

Today was an aberration.

Probably was the thong.

Wouldn't have happened with one of my regulars.

Right.

Bit of support, please, Ben.

He nice. You'd like him.

I'm sure I would.

In fact, he wants to meet you.

Why?

Because I talk about you all the time.

Right.

I was thinking about lunch this week?

All right. Brilliant.

Really? Yeah, sure.

You come clean to him,

and I'll come and have lunch with you.

Yeah, that's a really good idea.

Hi, Alex, Ben's really looking forward to meeting you.

Quick heads-up though before we sit down to eat:

I'm a prostitute.

Mm, the lamb looks nice. Sort it out, Ben.

You can't keep it from him.

That's completely out of order.

And it's out of order to use me as some sort of decoy.

A decoy? For God's sake, Ben,

for once, I'm engaging in the fairly normal activity

of seeing someone, and I'd like you to meet him.

I'm not getting married, I'm not trying to shaft anyone.

It's not serious, I haven't got some big ultimatum on my hands,

I'm just trying to live a life which you are a big part of.

It's just lunch, it's no big deal.

So you keep saying.

Do you know what? Don't worry about it.

Don't come. Where are you going?

To flog myself with a big stick.

I can't do Thursday.

( mellow guitar theme playing )

HANNAH: You'll really like Ben when you meet him.

Hate him already.

Is he better-looking than me?

Well, is that actually possible?

I suppose not, no.

Yeah, I'm gonna like him. I can't wait to meet him.

Thanks for tonight. I had a really lovely time.

Whoa. I'm worried.

That sounds like the sentence "but I've got a headache

and I wanna go home early," is gonna follow.

No, not at all. I just wanted to say it.

Anyway, you know what the best way to cure a headache is?

Two Nurofen and an early night.

No. Sex.

( both laugh )

Should we go back to yours?

Isn't your place nearer?

I don't think so. I think it is.

Uh, okay, yeah.

We can go back to mine, but we've gotta be quiet.

This fucking neighbor from hell--

Hannah?

Why don't you want me to see your flat?

Don't be silly.

Or meet your friends or--

You're having lunch with Ben tomorrow.

You're meeting my best friend.

Oh, okay, okay. I didn't realize it was a trade-off.

You know. "You're meeting Ben tomorrow,

so that's another couple of weeks

you're not allowed to see my flat."

Ah, man, I'm--

You're making me feel like

some clingy twat, and I'm not.

I'm just suggesting we go back to your place, that's all.

All right.

Let's go back to mine, it's no big deal.

Good.

Do you wanna run up ahead

and lock your husband in the cupboard?

No. Looks like he's still out.

Whoa. What is that?

It's my friend.

Belle, so sorry it's late--

Oh, babes, I didn't realize you were work--

Uh, what are you doing here?

I just felt a bit bad about yesterday.

Uh, Alex this is Bambi.

Hi, nice to meet you. Hi.

It's 1:30 in the morning.

I know, but I thought you might still be up.

And look, you are.

Yeah, and we're just going in.

I could head off if you want. No. No.

I don't wanna gatecrash or anything,

it was just on the off-chance.

Look, it's fine. I'll see you at lunch tomorrow, okay?

Okay.

It's a drinking problem.

( Bambi clears throat )

What do you want, Bambi?

What's that?

Your share of the money from yesterday.

I felt like a total shit-bag

not splitting it. I didn't do anything.

You did me a favor turning up at the last minute.

Plus, you helped me out with the whole

sponge thing gross-out.

No, I said I didn't want it, it's fine.

No, you gotta take it.

I'm really sorry he turned out to be such a dick

after me talking him up like that.

Sounded really nice on the phone.

( as Martin ) "Love it, love it, love it."

( laughs )

Go on, please.

All right, thanks.

Would it be all right if I hang out here?

Just for a little bit? Um...

So that's the boyfriend, then? Yep.

He seems nice.

Yeah, he is.

Fit as a butcher's dog.

Told him what you do?

No. Of course not.

Not sure how much longer I can keep that going for though.

Well, it depends, doesn't it? How serious you are.

I mean, if it's just a fling--

Yeah, he wants to meet my mates.

Well, I could come out with you both.

He's already met me. We could do something really fun

like go bowling or something.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Uh, l--

I-I don't think bowling is his thing.

We're gonna have lunch with my mate Ben.

Well, I could maybe come to that with you?

What's Ben like? Engaged.

I didn't mean it like that.

I was just thinking it could be a laugh.

Yeah, might be a lot of things.

A laugh, not top of the pile.

You really need to loosen up, babes.

( upbeat theme playing )

So who do you support, then?

Oh, I'm a rugby man, actually.

Ah.

Are you into that at all?

Sorry? Rugby?

Uh, right. Uh, no.

I'm-- I'm not.

Right.

So you're a doctor?

Yeah, yeah.

It's a great job. You enjoy it?

Yeah.

Ah, there she is.

Sorry. Sorry I'm late.

It's all right, we were having a lovely chat.

You didn't tell me Alex was into rugby.

No, should I have done?

No.

Ben's a footie bloke.

Bit little for rugby, aren't you?

I, uh, I know it's only lunchtime,

but I thought, day off, why not?

Yeah, I'm-- I'm gonna get a beer, actually.

Good girl.

Try it, it's really nice.

I thought wine brought you out in a rash?

Only certain types.

We've got a doctor handy if anything should kick up.

Yeah, I'm here to help.

( both chuckle )

Alex has just been, uh, sharing his theory about you with me.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, yeah.

He, um, reckons you're living a double life.

Does he now?

I was just, uh,

having a laugh with Ben before you got here.

And I think it's time you came clean, Han, huh?

How many of those did you manage to cram in before I got here?

Oh, yeah, that's right, Alex,

I'm a big girl's blouse and I can't take my drink.

ALEX: You-- You look healthy enough to me.

Thank you.

So, Hannah, as I was saying, um,

are you going to tell Alex the truth, or shall I?

What you on about?

Right, then I will.

Alex, the lovely Hannah here is,

in fact,

a spy. Ben.

( clears throat )

Works for the MI5.

Absolutely hilarious.

( cell phone rings )

I'm so sorry. I have to get this, it's work.

Um, back in a sec.

Why are you being like this?

Are you kidding me? Being like what?

Ben's allergic to everything, Ben's shit at rugby,

Ben can't take his drink.

I always take the piss out of you.

Not in front of people.

I'm just trying to be normal.

What are you trying to be?

How about polite?

Look after me here, Han, for fuck's sake.

Look after you? What's with all this

"Hannah's leading a double life" bollocks?

Is that looking after me?

Whatever's going on, Ben, deal with it.

Stop being like this.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, fine, thanks.

Ben thinks I'm being a twat. Hannah.

Well, we can't just pretend everything's hunky dory.

I'm sure you can.

Should I go to the loo?

No, Alex, you're fine.

I'm really sorry, Ben. It's fine. Let's forget it.

It's just that we're so close,

I thought we could say anything to each other.

Honestly, Han, let's just drop it.

You can't just bring that up

and then not wanna talk about it, can you?

You're making Alex feel uncomfortable.

Oh, well, I'm on a roll today, then, aren't I?

No, it's fine. You're not making me feel uncom--

Shall we order?

Yeah.

Is it really crap if I have burger and chips?

No, it's fine.

I'm gonna get the risotto.

What about you, Ben?

Beef Wellington.

I'll go order.

Thanks, Alex.

Thanks, Ben. Thanks a million.

You're making this really fucking awkward.

Problem solved.

Where did Ben go?

I'm sorry, Alex.

I-- I think he's having some girlfriend problems

or something. Hannah,

is there something you're not telling me?

No.

It's pretty easy to work out.

What you on about?

Ben's in love with you, isn't he?

( laughing )

No, Ben's like my brother.

I don't think he sees it like that.

No, you've got the wrong end of the stick.

I don't think so.

Anyway, it's nothing to do with me.

I've probably overstepped the mark as it is, so...

How-- Well, how do you mean?

I just--

I know what I said about playing it cool and having fun

and all that stuff, but...

the truth is--

( clears throat )

Hannah, the more time I spend with you,

the more into you I get.

You've got this brilliant knack

of keeping everything compartmentalized.

And I used to be like that,

until I met you.

I just think that-- I know. ( tender theme playing )

--that you are the most fantastic,

beautiful thing that has come into my life

for as long as I can remember.

And I wanna see inside your flat,

and I want to meet your friends, even the mad ones.

And at some point, God forbid,

I may even wanna meet your parents.

But...

it is painfully obvious from where I'm sitting

that you don't want any of that stuff.

And, if I'm honest,

I don't know if I want to carry on

with something that's gonna get deeper for me

and more and more awkward

and problematic for you.

( exhales )

There you go.

I said it.

Could you please say something?

I love you.

Fuck.

Today.

I'm gonna tell Alex today.

You're just somebody my dad's paid to sleep with me.

So it's, uh, going well with you two?

You and, uh, Alex? Yeah.

You're in love with her.

See, I am a real girl.

I've got a girlfriend, Alex. Yeah.

What's her name?

( upbeat horn theme playing )