Original subtitles

[ SILENCE ]

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jack: WELL, YOU SOUND LIKE A

GREAT CROWD.

UM...WE GOT A COUPLE EMPTY SEATS

OUT THERE?

OR ARE SOME OF YOU DRESSED UP

LIKE CHAIRS?

[ RIM SHOT ]

YOU KNOW, I WAS GONNA WEAR A

COSTUME, SINCE IT IS SO CLOSE TO

HALLOWEEN, BUT THEN I THOUGHT,

YOU KNOW WHAT, PEOPLE ALREADY

HAVE A HARD ENOUGH TIME

RECOGNIZING ME, SO...

[ LAUGHTER ]

HEY, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR

YOU TONIGHT.

STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> TOP STORY TONIGHT IS A TRAGIC

ONE.

MOMENTS AGO, LATE-NIGHT

TALK-SHOW HOST JACK WEST WAS

FOUND DEAD IN THE LIVING ROOM OF

HIS HOLLYWOOD HILLS HOME, THE

VICTIM OF AN APPARENT MURDER.

>> * SHE CAME, SHE CAME TO MEET

A MAN *

* SHE FOUND AN ANGEL

* GOO GOO, GOO GOO BARABAJAGAL

WAS HIS NAME, NOW *

[ SIREN WAILING ]

* GOO GOO, GOO GOO BARABAJAGAL

WAS HIS NAME, NOW *

* GOO GOO, GOO GOO BARABAJAGAL

WAS HIS NAME, NOW *

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Cynthia: [ MOANING ]

WHO'S NOT JACK WEST, HUH, YOU

LITTLE BITCH?

WHO HIT THE HOME RUN?

>> Cynthia: YEAH, YOU DID.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Cynthia: [ MOANING ]

>> Van Hagen: OKAY.

IT'S ABOUT 12:08 A.M.

I HAVE THE SUBJECT IN SIGHT.

SHE'S BLOND, VERY ATTRACTIVE.

UM...SHE APPEARS TO BE HAVING...

SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH A MAN

WHO LOOKS A HELL OF A LOT LIKE

DOUG WADE, THE THIRD BASEMAN

FROM THE L.A. DOGS.

SUBJECT IS VERY LIMBER.

VERY, VERY LIMBER.

>> $300 MILLION, HUH?

>> Van Hagen: TWO OUTS, BOTTOM

OF THE NINTH.

HE'S WORKING IT.

HE'S GOT A FULL COUNT.

EVERYONE'S ON THEIR FEET.

AND HERE COMES THE PITCH.

IT'S A LONG FLY BALL --

NO, IT'S A HOME RUN!

[ BOTH MOANING ]

>> Cynthia: OH, MY GOD!

>> Van Hagen: SEXUAL

INTERCOURSE.

BOY, THAT BRINGS BACK MEMORIES.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ LIGHTER CLICKING ]

>> Ross: [ INHALES DEEPLY ]

>> Jack: WAIT, WAIT.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU'RE 17 YEARS OLD?

>> THAT'S CORRECT, AND I'M GONNA

BE 18 IN TWO MONTHS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jack: CHAVO, CAN YOU BELIEVE

HE'S 17 YEARS OLD?

>> YOU KNOW, JACK, I-I WOULD NOT

CARD HIM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jack: YEAH.

YEAH, I HATE TO BE THE ONE TO

BREAK THIS TO YOU, BUT YOU'RE AN

OLD MAN.

LOOKS LIKE THE NURSING HOME

NEEDS TO TIGHTEN UP ITS

SECURITY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> J.P.: TWO YEARS AGO, I WAS

LIVING IN A TRAILER.

I HAD NO JOB.

I WAS SERIOUSLY IN DEBT, AND I

WEIGHED 98 POUNDS.

>> BUT LOOK AT YOU NOW!

>> J.P.: THAT'S RIGHT, LOOK AT

ME NOW.

NOW, I LIVE IN A

10,000-SQUARE-FOOT MANSION IN

BEVERLY HILLS.

I HAVE A 1959 ASTON MARTIN, AND

I MAKE MORE MONEY PER WEEK THAN

MOST PEOPLE MAKE IN THEIR ENTIRE

LIVES.

>> THAT IS REMARKABLE, J.P.!

>> J.P.: IT IS REMARKABLE, DANA!

BUT YOU KNOW, WE ALL POSSESS A

SKILL TO MAGICALLY TRANSFORM OUR

LIVES INTO OUR WILDEST FINANCIAL

DREAMS.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUT IT TO

WORK!

>> Preston: HI, I'M PRESTON.

IN TWO SHORT WEEKS, I WENT FROM

BEING IN THE POORHOUSE TO HAVING

MORE MONEY THAN I KNEW WHAT TO

DO WITH.

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE, YOU ASK?

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS FOLLOW

J.P. ZAHN'S SIMPLE STEP-BY-STEP

INSTRUCTIONS.

IT'S THAT EASY!

>> Announcer: ORDER NOW AND

RECEIVE THIS LIMITED-TIME OFFER

OF JUST $39.99 FOR THE COMPLETE

SET OF J.P. ZAHN'S

"REMARKABLE POWER."

>> J.P.: REMEMBER, YOU'RE IN

CHARGE.

YOU'RE IN CONTROL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ SIREN WAILING ]

[ POLICE RADIO CHATTER ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

>> MA'AM, STEP AWAY FROM THE

BODY.

COME ON.

LET'S GO. GET OUT OF HERE.

[ INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER ]

[ COMPUTER BEEPING ]

>> Jack: OKAY, FOLKS, JUST WHEN

YOU THOUGHT YOU'VE SEEN IT ALL,

THESE GUYS HAVE BEEN TOURING ALL

OVER THE COUNTRY.

INCREDIBLE BAND.

THEY'RE REALLY MAKING A LOT OF

WAVES, JUST SIGNED WITH

UNIVERSAL RECORDS.

NICE HAND FOR MINI ROCKERS!

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANKS, FELLAS.

THANKS FOR BEING ON THE SHOW.

>> HOW YOU DOING?

>> Jack: I'M DOING GREAT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SO, NOW, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE

THE SHORTEST ROCKERS IN THE

COUNTRY?

>> IT'S AMAZING, JACK.

WHO SAYS YOU GOT TO BE TALL TO

ROCK 'N' ROLL?

>> Jack: YOU GUYS ARE DOING

QUITE WELL, TOO, RIGHT?

>> VERY WELL, JACK.

OUR BODIES MIGHT BE SMALL, BUT

OUR BANK ACCOUNTS SURE AREN'T.

>> Jack: DID I READ SOMEWHERE

THAT ONE OF YOU IS DATING

PARIS HILTON?

>> WE ALL HAVE, JACK.

SHE JUST HASN'T FIGURED IT OUT

YET.

>> Jack: WELL, I WANT TO SEE

THAT VIDEO.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> THEY'RE PULLING THE PLUG.

>> Jack: AGAIN?

>> YEAH.

>> IT'S FOR REAL THIS TIME.

RATINGS HAVE DROPPED FAR TOO

LOW.

>> Jack: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK MY

AUDIENCE CARES ABOUT RATINGS,

SKIP?

>> WELL, JACK, UNFORTUNATELY,

THE NETWORK DOES, AND SO DO OUR

SPONSORS.

I'D SUGGEST WE GET SOME BETTER

GUESTS, BUT WE CAN'T SEEM TO

BOOK ANYBODY SINCE YOU STARTED

THIS FREAK-SHOW THING.

>> Jack: SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT

MY AUDIENCE WOULD RATHER SEE

ANOTHER INTELLECTUALLY

CHALLENGED MOVIE STAR THAN A

70-YEAR-OLD KID OR SOME

MINIATURE ROCKERS -- IS THAT

WHAT I'M HEARING?

>> DON'T FORGET THE

100th-GENERATION PROSTITUTE.

>> Jack: THE DIRECT DESCENDENT

OF MARY MAGDALENE.

HELLO, CAN ANYONE SAY

"BRILLIANT"?

>> YOU COULD BRING ON

JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF, JACK, AND

PEOPLE WOULD STILL RATHER WATCH

BRAD PITT.

>> Jack: WHAT ABOUT THE HOT

SEAT, THEN?

>> JACK, THAT'S JUST WHAT WE'RE

TALKING ABOUT HERE.

YOU CAN'T BE DROPPING YOUR

GUESTS THROUGH A TRAP DOOR JUST

BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE

WHAT THEY'RE SAYING.

>> Jack: WELL, I CAN IF THEY

DESERVE IT, AND BESIDES, I'VE

TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE, IT WOULD

BE THE AUDIENCE'S CALL -- THEY

WOULD ALL HAVE LITTLE BUTTONS.

>> JACK.

>> Jack: HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN

"THE GONG SHOW"?

>> JACK, PEOPLE WANT TO SEE

STARS, OKAY?

NOT THE ALL-GROWN-UP CHILD ACTOR

OF SOME "BONANZA" RIP-OFF.

>> Jack: THE NAME OF THE SHOW

WAS "SIZZLER."

>> "SIZZLER," RIGHT.

LOOK, I'M SORRY, PAL.

BUT UNLESS SOME MIRACLE HAPPENS,

WE ARE CLOSING UP SHOP AFTER

FRIDAY'S SHOW.

>> J.P.: IN THIS SERIES, I WILL

TEACH YOU HOW TO DISCOVER THE

HIDDEN POWERS OF YOUR MIND.

LET'S START WITH WHAT I CALL THE

SIMPLE STEPS TO SUCCESS.

STEP ONE -- POWER OVER PEOPLE.

DO YOU HAVE AN IMPORTANT JOB

INTERVIEW?

THEN LISTEN TO ME VERY CLOSELY.

WHEN YOU WALK INTO THAT ROOM,

YOU ARE IN CHARGE.

YOU ARE IN CONTROL.

>> Ross: HEY, LISTEN, MR. VEGA,

I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR HAVING

ME IN, AND I WANT TO SAY THAT I

FIRMLY --

>> HAVE A SEAT, ROSS.

TAKE A LOAD OFF.

>> Ross: OKAY.

THANKS.

YEAH, LIKE I WAS SAYING, I

FIRMLY --

>> TAKE AHOLD OF THIS.

THAT KNIFE CAN CUT RIGHT THROUGH

BONE.

I HAVE HAD THAT KNIFE EIGHT

YEARS -- I HAVE NEVER HAD TO

SHARPEN IT.

HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK THE

AVERAGE HOUSEWIFE SPENDS ON

KNIVES IN A YEAR?

OVER $2,000!

NOW, DO YOU THINK THE AVERAGE

HOUSEWIFE AND HER HUSBAND WOULD

APPRECIATE SPENDING A FRACTION

OF THAT AND NEVER HAVING TO BUY

ANOTHER SET OF KNIVES AS LONG AS

THEY LIVE?

YOU BET YOUR LIFE THEY WOULD!

YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

WE'RE NOT JUST SALESMEN.

WE ARE DOMESTIC ENHANCEMENT

SPECIALISTS.

WE'RE NOT JUST SELLING KNIVES.

WE ARE ENHANCING PEOPLE'S LIVES.

YEAH.

SO...

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN A

YEAR?

>> Ross: I'M NOT A SALESMAN.

I'M A DOMESTIC ENHANCEMENT

SPECIALIST.

AND I'M NOT SELLING KNIVES.

I'M -- I'M ENHANCING YOUR LIFE.

[ SIGHS ]

SON OF A BITCH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

FUCKING -- DAMN IT.

PIECE OF SHIT.

FUCKING...

SON OF A BITCH!

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

MOM, I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA BE

IN MEETINGS ALL DAY.

>> YOUR SISTER WANTS TO KNOW IF

YOU'RE COMING FOR THE BABY

SHOWER.

>> Ross: MOM, BABY SHOWERS ARE

FOR CHICKS.

I'LL SEE HER AT CHRISTMAS.

>> HER AND DAN JUST BOUGHT A

HOUSE.

>> Ross: WELL, GOOD FOR THEM.

>> THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU

FINISH COLLEGE AND GET A JOB.

ROSS? HELLO?

>> Preston: HI, I'M PRESTON.

IN TWO SHORT WEEKS, I WENT FROM

BEING IN THE POORHOUSE TO HAVING

MORE MONEY THAN I KNEW WHAT TO

DO WITH.

>> ROSS!

>> Ross: WELL, UH...WELL, THINGS

ARE ABOUT TO CHANGE, MOM.

>> * GOO GOO BARABAJAGAL WAS HIS

NAME, NOW *

* GOO GOO, GOO GOO BARABAJAGAL

WAS HIS NAME, NOW *

* HE VERY WISE IN THE HERBAL

LORE, HAS GOT YOUNG CURE NOW *

>> Preston: WHY ARE YOU

FOLLOWING ME, MAN?

>> Ross: PRESTON, RIGHT?

>> Preston: YEAH, DO I KNOW YOU?

>> Ross: I SAW YOU IN THE

"REMARKABLE POWER" INFOMERCIAL.

>> Preston: JESUS.

THEY STILL SHOWING THAT SHIT?

>> Ross: I WATCH IT EVERY NIGHT.

>> Preston: YOU NEED TO GET OUT

MORE, BRO.

>> Ross: YEAH.

I JUST MOVED HERE A COUPLE

MONTHS AGO.

NOBODY EVEN KNOWS I'M HERE.

MY PARENTS THINK I'M AT SOME

JUNIOR COLLEGE BACK EAST.

THEY'RE ABOUT TO CUT ME OFF.

YOU KNOW, THEIR WHOLE ATTITUDE

IS JUST REALLY GETTING ON MY

NERVES.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR NECK?

>> Preston: WHAT'S YOUR NAME,

MAN?

>> Ross: ROSS.

>> Preston: ROSS -- A LITTLE

PIECE OF FRIENDLY ADVICE, ROSS.

IF YOU WANT PEOPLE TO TAKE YOU

SERIOUSLY IN THIS TOWN, YOU GOT

TO DITCH THE SUIT.

>> Ross: OH, YEAH.

YEAH, RIGHT, THANKS.

>> Preston: DID YOU SAY THAT

NOBODY KNOWS YOU'RE HERE?

>> Ross: IT'S BETTER THAT WAY,

BELIEVE ME.

>> Preston: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW

THE REAL SECRET TO

"REMARKABLE POWER"?

>> Ross: TOTALLY.

>> Preston: I'LL TEACH YOU ABOUT

"REMARKABLE POWER."

COME ON UP.

>> Ross: IS THIS WHERE YOU LIVE?

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

[ INTERCOM BUZZES ]

>> LEGAL WANTS THE STANDARD

FIVE-SECOND DELAY, BUT

OTHERWISE, WE'RE A GO FOR A LIVE

BROADCAST FRIDAY.

>> Jack: EXCELLENT.

ANYTHING ELSE?

>> YOUR WIFE'S ON LINE ONE.

>> Jack: CITY AND LISTING,

PLEASE.

>> Cynthia: HEY.

HOW DID THE SHOW GO TODAY?

>> Jack: THE METHUSELAH KID --

A BIG HIT.

>> Cynthia: WELL, THAT'S GREAT.

LISTEN, I WAS WONDERING WHAT

TIME YOU WERE GONNA BE HOME

TONIGHT.

>> Jack: PROBABLY LATE.

BILL WANTS TO GO OVER SOME IDEAS

FOR FRIDAY'S SHOW.

>> Cynthia: OH, OKAY.

WELL, I THINK I'M JUST GONNA

ORDER IN THEN AND CATCH UP ON

SOME READING.

TELL BILL I SAID HI.

>> Jack: I WILL.

>> Cynthia: AND CALL ME WHEN

YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY, OKAY?

I LOVE YOU.

[ TELEPHONE BEEPS ]

[ BEEP, SPEED DIAL ]

[ RINGING ]

>> Cynthia: I'M ON MY WAY.

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

>> WHO'S NOT JACK WEST, HUH, YOU

LITTLE BITCH?

WHO HIT THE HOME RUN?

>> Cynthia: YOU DID!

[ MOANING ]

>> Van Hagen: SUBJECT IS VERY

LIMBER.

VERY, VERY LIMBER.

>> Cynthia: [ MOANING ]

>> Van Hagen: TWO OUTS, BOTTOM

OF THE NINTH.

HE'S GOT A FULL COUNT.

EVERYONE'S ON THEIR FEET.

AND HERE COMES THE PITCH.

IT'S A LONG FLY BALL --

NO, IT'S A HOME RUN!

[ RINGING ]

>> Jack: IT'S JACK.

>> Van Hagen: YOU GOT WHAT YOU

NEED?

>> Jack: YEP, I'LL GET A CHECK

OUT TO YOU IN THE MORNING.

>> Van Hagen: ALL RIGHT, WELL,

I'M ON ANOTHER JOB FOR A FEW

DAYS, BUT IF YOU NEED ANYTHING

ELSE, JUST GIVE ME A HOLLER,

OKAY?

>> Jack: RIGHT.

>> Van Hagen: ALL RIGHT.

SUBJECT AND UNKNOWN MALE

COMPANION ARE CONVERSING

OUTSIDE...

DRINKING WHAT APPEARS TO BE

BEER.

SUBJECT'S MOVEMENTS ARE

CONSISTENT WITH HIS INJURY

CLAIM.

THE PAIN SEEMS TO BE CENTERED IN

THE NECK AND BACK REGIONS.

OKAY, SUBJECT AND UNKNOWN MALE

COMPANION ARE ENTERING BEACH

HOUSE.

>> Preston: SO, JUST MAKE

YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

I'M GONNA TAKE A LEAK.

>> Ross: COOL, THANKS.

>> Preston: [ INHALES SHARPLY ]

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

[ METAL CLANGS ]

>> Ross: HMM.

>> Preston: OKAY, PRESTON.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

NOBODY'S GONNA MISS THIS LOSER.

IT'S PERFECT. IT'S PERFECT.

YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.

IT'S HIM OR IT'S YOU.

[ SEA GULLS SQUAWKING ]

YOU MIND KEEPING THOSE CLOSED?

>> Ross: OH, UH, SORRY, DUDE.

HEY, YOU MIND IF I ROLL A

DOOBIE?

>> Preston: BE MY GUEST.

>> Ross: EXCELLENT, COOL.

MAN, I STILL CAN'T GET OVER THIS

SETUP.

THIS ONLY TOOK YOU TWO WEEKS TO

DO?

LIKE, WHAT'S THE BIG SECRET,

MAN?

I MEAN, YOU BOUGHT THE TAPES,

AND THEN WHAT?

>> Preston: I ALREADY TOLD YOU.

I JUST FOLLOWED THE SIMPLE

STEP-BY-STEP INSTRUCTIONS, AND

VOILà, LOOK AT MY LIFE NOW.

>> Ross: YOU SEE, SEE -- THAT'S

WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, MAN.

EVERYBODY'S SO OBSESSED WITH

THIS WHOLE "GETTING THE JOB"

THING, LIKE THAT'S WHAT LIFE'S

ALL ABOUT.

I MEAN, YEAH, EVERYONE NEEDS

MONEY, EXCEPT FOR MONKS OR

WHATEVER, BUT, I MEAN, THERE'S

WAYS OF DEALING WITH THAT

DILEMMA WITHOUT WASTING AWAY IN

A CUBICLE.

I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU, DUDE.

THIS IS A LIVING EXAMPLE OF WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT, YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M SAYING?

I KNEW THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING

DIFFERENT ABOUT

"REMARKABLE POWER."

I MEAN, FROM THE MOMENT THAT I

SAW J.P. ZAHN, I WAS JUST LIKE,

"THAT'S WHERE I'M COMING FROM.

WHY GROW THE WHEAT WHEN YOU CAN

JUST CHOW DOWN ON THE BREAD?"

AM I RIGHT?

I MEAN, SO, IS IT LIKE, TWO

WEEKS AFTER YOU BOUGHT THE

TAPES, OR AFTER YOU FINISHED

THE --

>> Preston: GOD DAMN IT, SON OF

A BITCH!

>> Ross: WHOA.

>> Preston: HEY, JUST SHUT THE

FUCK UP, MAN, JUST SHUT UP.

I MEAN, DON'T YOU FUCKING

GET IT?

>> Ross: WHAT?

>> Preston: THERE IS NO

"REMARKABLE POWER," MAN.

IT'S BULLSHIT.

>> Ross: WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, IT'S

BULLSHIT?

>> Preston: DON'T TELL ME THAT

YOU ACTUALLY BOUGHT THOSE TAPES.

>> Ross: YEAH, I BOUGHT THE

TAPES.

SO WHAT?

>> Preston: I'M AN ACTOR, YOU

MORON.

THEY PAID ME TO SAY ALL THAT

SHIT.

IT'S A FUCKING SCAM.

>> Ross: WAIT.

COULD WE HOLD ON A SECOND?

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT, MAN?

>> Preston: YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY

BELIEVE THAT ORDERING A BUNCH OF

TAPES IS GONNA CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

I MEAN, YOU CAN'T BE THAT

FUCKING STUPID.

AM I RIGHT?

>> Ross: HEY, MAN, DON'T CALL

ME STUPID.

>> Preston: OKAY, SORRY.

HOW ABOUT A COMPLETE SUCKER?

IS THAT A LITTLE BIT MORE ON

TARGET THERE?

>> Ross: WHOA, I WOULD CHILL OUT

WITH THAT.

>> Preston: I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU,

DUDE.

JUST GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND

LOOK AT YOURSELF.

YOU'RE A LOSER.

DO YOURSELF A FAVOR, OKAY?

I MEAN, JUST KEEP YOUR MULLET.

IT'S COOL.

GO BACK TO WHATEVER REDNECK TOWN

YOU COME FROM AND STICK PIGS OR

DO WHATEVER YOU DO.

BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT

HERE.

YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE.

SO JUST GO.

I MEAN, JUST GET OUT OF MY

HOUSE.

SERIOUSLY, JUST GET THE FUCK OUT

OF MY HOUSE.

DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING TO

YOU, YOU STUPID FUCK?!

>> Ross: I SAID DON'T CALL ME

THAT!

[ THUD ]

>> Preston: [ GAGGING ]

>> Ross: DUDE?

HEY, DUDE?

OH, MY GOD.

DUDE, ARE YOU OKAY?

OH, SHIT!

OH, SHIT!

DUDE, OKAY, ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE

GONNA BE FINE, MAN.

OH, SHIT!

>> Preston: [ COUGHING ]

>> Ross: JESUS! FUCK!

[ LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

FUCK! SHIT! TURN IT OFF!

[ VOLUME INCREASES ]

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

OKAY.

>> Preston: [ GAGGING ]

>> Ross: OKAY, FUCK.

FUCK.

>> Preston: [ GURGLING ]

>> Ross: CALL 911.

911, 911, 911.

>> Preston: [ GAGGING ]

[ TELEPHONE DIALING ]

[ RINGING ]

>> 911 EMERGENCY.

HELLO?

THIS IS 911. MAY I HELP YOU?

HELLO, THIS IS 911.

IS ANYBODY THERE?

HELLO?

[ DIALING ]

[ RINGING ]

>> HEY, IT'S MIKE.

I'M NOT IN RIGHT NOW.

I'M OUT CATCHING SOME MONSTER

WAVES.

LEAVE A MESSAGE.

>> THIS IS 911 EMERGENCY.

WE JUST RECEIVED A CALL FROM

THIS NUMBER.

IS ANYBODY THERE?

>> Ross: HELLO?

>> IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT

THERE, SIR?

>> Ross: YEAH, SORRY.

I WAS JUST -- I DIALED THE WRONG

NUMBER.

I WAS GOING FOR 411.

>> ARE YOU SURE EVERYTHING'S ALL

RIGHT?

>> Ross: YEAH, YEAH, I'M FINE.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

>> HAVE A GOOD EVENING, SIR.

>> Ross: YOU, TOO.

[ KEYS CLACKING ]

>> Athena: GOTCHA.

>> Ross: SHIT!

ALL RIGHT, THINK.

GET IT TOGETHER.

THINK ABOUT IT.

"A," NOBODY SAW SHIT.

"B," SCREW THIS GUY, HE'S A

FUCKING ACTOR.

HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

I'M GONNA WAIT TILL THE COAST IS

CLEAR, AND THEN I'M GONNA WALK

OUT THAT DOOR, AND I'M GONNA

FORGET THAT THIS WHOLE THING

HAPPENED.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

[ GUNS COCKING ]

>> DON'T YOU MOVE!

>> Ross: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

BAD IDEA.

NEW PLAN.

[ SIGHS ]

SHIT!

[ GROANS, COUGHS ]

>> [ SCREAMS ]

>> Ross: SON OF A BITCH!

[ GROANS ]

>> Cynthia: HEY, BABY.

YOU ARE LATE.

>> [ SNORTS ]

>> Cynthia: [ LAUGHS ]

>> Jack: ENJOY IT WHILE IT

LASTS, KIDS.

>> Cynthia: [ SQUEALS ]

>> Van Hagen: [ YAWNS ]

OKAY, NO SIGN OF SUBJECT FOR THE

LAST TWO HOURS.

WE ARE ENDING SURVEILLANCE FOR

THE EVENING.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WAIT, WHO'S THAT?

IT'S A YOUNG WOMAN.

APPROXIMATELY 20, 25 YEARS OF

AGE.

SHE'S GETTING A LADDER.

PROBABLY A CRAZY EX-GIRLFRIEND.

SHE'S IN GOOD PHYSICAL

CONDITION, FROM BEHIND.

NOTE TO SELF, START WORKING OUT

AGAIN.

SHE'S VERY ATTRACTIVE.

KIND OF LIKE A YOUNG

AUDREY HEPBURN.

>> Athena: BINGO.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

>> Van Hagen: UH-OH, LITTLE

SURPRISE.

WATCH OUT, HONEY.

EASY. DON'T PANIC.

THERE YOU GO.

OOH.

NICE MOVE.

THAT WAS CLOSE, BABY.

THAT WAS CLOSE.

WHAT IS HER STORY?

>> * GIRL OF 16, WHOLE LIFE

AHEAD OF HER *

* SLASHED HER WRISTS

* BORED WITH LIFE

* DIDN'T SUCCEED, THANK THE

LORD *

* FOR SMALL MERCIES

>> ALL THESE TELEVANGELISTS WITH

THEIR BIG HAIR AND CIRCUS MAKEUP

ARE MAKING A MOCKERY OF

RELIGION.

WE'RE LOSING OUR SENSE OF

MORALITY, JACK.

HOW MANY KIDS HAVE PARENTS WHO

ARE DIVORCED, IN JAIL, ADDICTED

TO DRUGS OR ALCOHOL, OR ENGAGED

IN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS?

>> Cynthia: [ MOANING ]

>> THAT'S RIGHT, JACKO.

GOD KNOWS ABOUT YOUR WIFE

BANGING UP A STORM WITH THE

HOME-RUN KING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT MIGHT BE TOO LATE FOR US.

BUT I PRAY IT'S NOT TOO LATE FOR

THE CHILDREN.

WE GOT TO BREAK THE CHAIN.

YES, INDEED.

THAT CHEAP WHORE'S GETTING

DRILLED LIKE A WEST TEXAS OIL

WELL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MAKING A DAMN FOOL OUT OF YOU IS

WHAT SHE'S DOING, BROTHER.

YOU GONNA LET HER GET AWAY WITH

THAT?

[ CHEERING ]

[ BOTH MOANING ]

>> Cynthia: OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

>> Jack: HOWDY.

>> Cynthia: JACK, NO!

[ GUNSHOTS ]

>> WHAT IS HE DOING?

[ FINGERS SNAP ]

>> Jack: OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

NOW, WHAT ABOUT THE MUSIC

INDUSTRY?

[ SEA GULLS SQUAWKING ]

>> Ross: [ GROANS ]

>> J.P.: STEP TWO -- POWER OVER

CIRCUMSTANCE.

ARE YOU IN A TOUGH PREDICAMENT?

NO NEED TO WORRY.

I WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO TAKE

COMPLETE CONTROL OF ANY

SITUATION, NO MATTER HOW

DIFFICULT.

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE ONE

STEP CLOSER TO SUCCESS.

REMEMBER, WE ALL POSSESS THE

SKILLS TO MAGICALLY TRANSFORM

OUR LIVES INTO OUR GREATEST

FINANCIAL DREAMS.

WE JUST NEED TO PUT THEM TO

WORK.

>> Ross: I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL

ME STUPID.

YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME,

DUDE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT

"REMARKABLE POWER."

>> * SHE CAME, SHE CAME TO MEET

A MAN *

* SHE FOUND AN ANGEL

* GOO GOO, GOO GOO BARABAJAGAL

WAS HIS NAME, NOW *

* GOO GOO, GOO GOO BARABAJAGAL

WAS HIS NAME, NOW *

* GOO GOO, GOO GOO BARABAJAGAL

WAS HIS NAME, NOW *

>> Van Hagen: GLORIA, IT'S ME.

I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO RUN SOME

PLATES FOR ME.

>> Jack: THE NAME OF THE NEW

ALBUM IS

"JESUS, PLEASE KILL ME."

>> YES.

>> Jack: THAT'S A RATHER

UPLIFTING TITLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WELL, YOU KNOW, IT DEPENDS ON

HOW YOU LOOK AT IT, JACK.

>> LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING,

SON.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN HELL?

>> SURE. WE'RE LIVING IN IT.

L.A. IS THE CAPITAL.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

[ TELEPHONE BEEPS ]

>> Jack: HOW'S IT LOOKING?

>> THEY'RE READY TO ROLL.

YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH

WITH THIS?

>> Jack: NO TURNING BACK NOW.

WHAT ABOUT WADE?

>> I'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM, TOO.

YOU JUST MAKE SURE SHE'S THERE.

>> Jack: OH, SHE'LL BE THERE.

>> I'LL BE IN TOUCH.

>> GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN,

FRIEND, AND THE ONLY WAY IS

THROUGH SALVATION.

>> EXACTLY -- DEATH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ RIFLE COCKS ]

[ RIFLE CLICKS ]

>> Van Hagen: NO SIGN OF SUBJECT

IN THE LAST 24 HOURS.

WHICH REMINDS ME, GLORIA,

TOMORROW, I NEED YOU TO RUN A --

>> Athena: BOO!

>> Van Hagen: JESUS CHRIST!

ARE YOU TRYING TO GET SHOT?

>> Athena: OH, RELAX.

YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY A P.I.

ARE THOSE SOME BAD GUYS YOU'RE

SPYING ON?

>> Van Hagen: I CAN'T DIVULGE

THAT KIND OF INFORMATION.

>> Athena: OH, YES, YOU CAN.

I'M KIND OF LIKE A SPY MYSELF.

>> Van Hagen: YEAH, I NOTICED.

IS THAT HOW YOU ALWAYS WORK?

SNOOPING AROUND ON PEOPLE?

>> Athena: NO, THAT WAS A FIRST,

ACTUALLY.

THE POLICE USUALLY GET THERE

BEFORE I DO.

AS LONG AS THEY DON'T KICK ME

OUT, TYPICALLY I USUALLY GET

WHAT I NEED.

>> Van Hagen: WHAT YOU NEED?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE

TALKING ABOUT.

>> Athena: WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU

CALL WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT

NOW?

>> Van Hagen: PROFESSIONAL

INVESTIGATOR.

>> Athena: RIGHT.

>> Van Hagen: A LICENSED

PROFESSIONAL INVESTIGATOR.

>> Athena: WHATEVER.

SO, YOU GONNA TELL ME WHAT THEY

DID?

>> Van Hagen: ALL RIGHT.

SUBJECT FILED AN ACCIDENT

REPORT.

IT'S MY JOB AS A PROFESSIONAL

PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR TO FIND OUT

IF HE DID IN FACT HAVE THAT

INJURY AND IF IT'S A $10,000

INJURY OR A $100,000 INJURY.

>> Athena: THINK HE PRETTY MUCH

MAXED OUT THAT POLICY, DON'T

YOU?

>> Van Hagen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> Athena: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HE'S DEAD.

>> Van Hagen: HE'S DEAD?

>> Athena: WHAT KIND OF

INVESTIGATOR ARE YOU?

>> Van Hagen: YOU SAW A DEAD GUY

IN THAT BEACH HOUSE?

>> Athena: YEAH, THAT'S MY JOB.

>> Van Hagen: CAN YOU PROVE

THIS?

JESUS CHRIST.

WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?

YOU MAKE MONEY FROM THIS?

>> Athena: BEATS WAITING TABLES.

HERE'S YOUR GUY.

WHAT WAS HIS NAME?

>> Van Hagen: HIS NAME WAS

PRESTON HURST.

HE WAS AN ACTOR.

HE WAS ON THAT LATE-NIGHT

INFOMERCIAL THEY PLAY ALL THE

TIME FOR "REMARKABLE POWER."

>> Athena: YEAH, GOD, I KNEW HE

LOOKED FAMILIAR.

WHO DO YOU THINK THE OTHER GUY

WAS?

>> Van Hagen: ROSS GRIFFIN.

HE'S GOT A PLACE OVER IN

KOREA TOWN.

>> Athena: HMM.

ROSS GRIFFIN, WHERE ARE YOU?

[ KEYS CLACKING ]

ROSS J. GRIFFIN, MILWAUKEE,

WISCONSIN.

>> Van Hagen: THAT'S THE ONE.

>> Athena: SCREEN NAME

BrewerBoy?

PLEASE.

YOU WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN?

>> Cynthia: SORRY I'M LATE.

>> Jack: NO WORRIES.

HOW WAS WORK?

>> Cynthia: OH, BUSY.

THIS WHOLE WEEK'S BEEN CRAZY.

>> Jack: I HEAR THAT.

>> Cynthia: GOD, HAVEN'T BEEN

HERE IN A WHILE, HUH?

>> Jack: FOUR YEARS, ACTUALLY.

>> Cynthia: HAS IT BEEN THAT

LONG?

>> Jack: MM-HMM.

THEY'RE CANCELING THE SHOW.

>> Cynthia: WHAT? FOR REAL?

>> Jack: 15 YEARS.

>> Cynthia: JACK, I AM SO SORRY.

>> Jack: [ SIGHS ]

WE HAD A GREAT RUN.

CAN'T EXPECT MUCH MORE THAN

THAT.

>> Cynthia: YEAH.

>> Jack: I MEAN, NO MATTER HOW

SPECIAL SOMETHING IS, AT ONE

POINT, THE BIG GUY UPSTAIRS IS

GONNA PULL THE PLUG.

I MEAN, ONE MINUTE, YOU'RE

ENJOYING THE BEST YEARS OF YOUR

LIFE, AND THEN, JUST LIKE THAT,

IT'S OVER, KAPUT.

IT'S PART OF YOUR PAST.

BUT, YOU KNOW, WE CAN'T EXPECT

SOMETHING TO LAST FOREVER, CAN

WE?

I MEAN, YOU REALLY GOT TO BE A

PRETTY BIG MORON TO THINK

SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL IS GONNA

LAST.

SOME WINE?

>> Cynthia: WHY NOT?

>> * GOT TO DEAL WITH THE

DEVIL *

>> Ross: OH! YOU LITTLE BITCH!

>> * DONE A DEAL WITH THE

DEVIL *

* FROM A HEART MADE OF STEEL

[ COMPUTER BEEPING ]

* ROLLING DOWN THE M-WAY

* TOOK IT TO THE SMOKE

>> Ross: OH, SHIT.

>> Athena: I WISH I COULD SEE

THE LOOK ON HIS FACE.

>> Van Hagen: PRICELESS, I'M

SURE.

SO NOW WHAT?

>> Athena: NOW WE JUST SIT BACK

AND LET HIM SWEAT A BIT.

>> Van Hagen: YOU ARE ONE SICK

LITTLE DOG.

>> Ross: SHIT!

[ COMPUTER BEEPING ]

[ KEYS CLACKING ]

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

>> Athena: OH, WELL.

IT WAS FUN WHILE IT LASTED.

I WONDER WHAT HE'S DOING.

>> Van Hagen: HAVING A NERVOUS

BREAKDOWN.

I MEAN, THAT WAS YOUR INTENTION,

RIGHT?

>> Athena: HEY. I GOT AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE GO OVER THERE?

WE CAN FOLLOW HIM IN THE

SURVEILLANCE MOBILE, COLLECT

SOME EVIDENCE.

>> Van Hagen: THAT'S -- THAT'S

NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

SEE, IT'S ILLEGAL FOR ME TO TAIL

SOMEONE THAT'S NOT MY IMMEDIATE

SUBJECT.

>> Athena: YOU'RE SO BORING.

>> Van Hagen: I'M BORING?

>> Athena: COME ON.

INDULGE ME. PLEASE?

>> Van Hagen: I HAVE BEEN IND--

I'M NOT BORING, BY THE WAY.

>> Ross: EVERYTHING'S COOL.

THAT WAS JUST YOUR MIND MESSING

WITH YOU.

WE'LL JUST WATCH SOME TV.

THAT'S ALL WE'RE GONNA DO.

EVERYTHING IS COOL.

>> A MAN WAS FOUND DEAD EARLIER

TODAY AT 4:30 --

>> YOU SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS?

>> Preston: HI, I'M PRESTON.

>> Ross: SHIT!

>> J.P.: IT IS NOW TIME FOR YOU

TO LEARN THE SINGLE MOST

IMPORTANT LESSON OF MY COURSE.

IT'S THE KEY TO OVERCOMING ANY

CRISIS, NO MATTER HOW EXTREME.

[ AUDIO WARPS ]

>> Ross: SHIT. SHIT, NO, PLEASE.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!

SHIT! COME ON!

>> Preston: ROSS.

ROSS.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

[ DOOR CREAKS ]

HEY, PAL. DID YOU MISS ME?

>> Ross: [ SCREAMS ]

I'M IN CHARGE. I'M IN CONTROL.

[ TIRES SQUEAL ]

>> Athena: COME ON, WHAT ARE

YOU DOING?

YOU'RE GONNA LOSE HIM.

>> Van Hagen: I KNOW HOW TO TAIL

SOMEONE.

UNLIKE YOU, I'M A PROFESSIONAL.

>> Athena: WHATEVER.

>> Van Hagen: I'M A LICENSED

PRIVATE EYE.

>> Athena: WHAT'S HE DOING?

>> Van Hagen: HE'S GETTING OUT.

>> Athena: THIS IS GETTING KIND

OF WEIRD.

>> Van Hagen: WELL, IT'S ABOUT

TO GET WEIRDER, BECAUSE HE'S

WALKING TOWARDS THE POLICE

STATION.

[ SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE ]

>> ANY OF THESE WOULD GO PRETTY

WELL WITH THAT WIG.

THAT'S THE ROLLIE FINGERS.

VERY POPULAR.

>> Jack: YEAH, ALL I NEED IS A

CURVEBALL AND A WAD OF CHEWING

TOBACCO, RIGHT?

ROLLIE FINGERS?

HE'S A BASEBALL PLAYER.

MICHAEL JACKSON -- OOH-OOH!

LET ME GUESS, BIKER BAR?

>> WE CALL IT THE C.H.P.

>> Jack: THIS ACTUALLY KIND OF

LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THE

VILLAGE PEOPLE.

WAS IT THE COP? WAS IT --

REMEMBER THE VILLAGE PEOPLE?

Y-M-C-A!

IT WAS A BAND.

>> GOING TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY, I

TAKE IT?

>> Jack: NOT EXACTLY.

[ POLICE RADIO CHATTER ]

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> ROSS GRIFFIN.

I'M DETECTIVE MACK.

THIS IS DETECTIVE SHAVER.

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE

COSTUMES.

IT'S A LITTLE UNDERCOVER

OPERATION.

WE UNDERSTAND YOU'VE CONFESSED

TO A MURDER.

IS THAT CORRECT?

>> Ross: THAT'S RIGHT.

>> AND YOU CLAIM THIS MURDER WAS

ACCIDENTAL?

>> Ross: YES.

>> THE MURDER HAPPENED

YESTERDAY, AND YET YOU WAITED

UNTIL TONIGHT TO REPORT IT.

WHY WAIT SO LONG?

>> Ross: I GUESS I PANICKED.

>> YOU PANICKED?

>> Ross: YEAH, I PANICKED.

I MEAN, I'M NOT A PROFESSIONAL

HIT MAN.

>> I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE

THAT YOU COULD HAVE SUCH A

HEATED ARGUMENT WITH SOMEONE YOU

JUST MET.

>> WHAT WERE YOU ARGUING ABOUT?

>> Ross: "REMARKABLE POWER."

>> "REMARKABLE POWER"?

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

THE SELF-HELP THING ON TV?

>> Ross: IT'S NOT --

>> LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU HAD AN ARGUMENT WITH SOMEONE

YOU JUST MET ABOUT A SELF-HELP

PROGRAM, AND THEN YOU KILLED

HIM.

>> Ross: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

HE WAS TELLING ME WHAT A SUCKER

I WAS.

>> I HATE TO BREAK THIS TO YOU,

PAL, BUT YOU'VE GOT TO BE A

SUCKER IF YOU THINK THAT BUYING

A BUNCH OF TAPES IS GONNA CHANGE

YOUR LIFE.

>> AND NOW SOMEONE IS DEAD.

I HOPE YOU LEARNED YOUR LESSON.

THERE'S NO EASY WAY TO BECOME

SUCCESSFUL, ROSS.

IT TAKES HARD WORK.

>> Ross: ALL RIGHT, ALREADY!

JESUS, I SHOULDN'T HAVE BOUGHT

THE TAPES.

ARE YOU GONNA ARREST ME FOR

BEING AN IDIOT, TOO?

>> OFFICIALLY, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN

ARRESTED FOR ANYTHING.

THERE'S NO EVIDENCE THAT A CRIME

HAS BEEN COMMITTED.

>> ASIDE FROM YOUR WORD, OF

COURSE.

>> Ross: WHAT, YOU DON'T BELIEVE

ME?

>> YOU SURE YOU GOT THE RIGHT

HOUSE?

>> Ross: THIS IS IT.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHERE HE WAS.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

>> YEAH, SURE HE WAS, ROSS.

HEY, LISTEN, NEXT TIME YOU

DECIDE TO PAY US A VISIT, LET

THE DRUGS WEAR OFF FIRST, HUH?

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> Van Hagen: WELL, EITHER

THERE'S SOMEBODY OUT THERE

SICKER THAN YOU, OR HE WASN'T AS

DEAD AS YOU THOUGHT HE WAS.

>> Athena: YOU SAW THE PICTURES.

>> Van Hagen: YEAH, I SAW

PICTURES OF WHAT LOOKED LIKE A

DEAD GUY, BUT FOR ALL I KNOW, HE

GOT UP AND WALKED OUT

AFTERWARDS.

>> Athena: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> Van Hagen: MY JOB.

>> Ross: SHIT!

>> IF YOU ARE CALLING REGARDING

A VEHICLE WHICH HAS BEEN

IMPOUNDED, PLEASE CALL BACK

DURING NORMAL BUSINESS HOURS.

>> Ross: SHIT!

[ MACHINE BEEPS ]

>> PRESTON, IT'S CANDY.

WHERE ARE YOU?

CALL ME, OKAY?

[ MACHINE BEEPS ]

>> HEY, PRES, IT'S MIKE.

CHANGE OF PLANS, BIG GUY.

MY TRIP GOT EXTENDED THROUGH

NEXT WEEK.

ENJOY THE PLACE, AND DON'T

FORGET TO FEED THE DOG, OKAY?

[ MACHINE BEEPS ]

>> * DOWN IN JAMAICA, THEY GOT

LOTS OF PRETTY WOMEN *

* STEAL YOUR MONEY, THEN THEY

BREAK YOUR HEART *

* LONESOME SUE, SHE'S IN LOVE

WITH OLD SAM *

>> Ross: JACKPOT.

>> Athena: THIS IS PRESTON'S

PLACE?

>> * ON AND ON

>> Van Hagen: HEY, WOULD YOU

MIND STAYING PUT?

I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE

DOING THIS.

DON'T WORRY.

IF I FIND ANY DEAD BODIES, I'LL

LET YOU KNOW.

OH, AND DON'T DRINK THAT

GATORADE.

>> Athena: WHY?

>> Van Hagen: 'CAUSE IT AIN'T

GATORADE.

[ MACHINE BEEPS ]

>> PRESTON, IT'S IVAN.

I TALK TO VLADO.

I THINK HE MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP

YOU WITH YOUR PROBLEM.

[ MACHINE BEEPS ]

>> PRESTON, IT'S CANDY.

WHERE DID YOU DISAPPEAR TO?

CALL ME.

[ MACHINE BEEPS ]

>> GUESS WHO, PORN STAR.

THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S MOSES.

YOU GOT TILL TOMORROW NIGHT TO

PRODUCE, OR THE BROTHERS ARE

GONNA UNLEASH A LITTLE FIRE AND

BRIMSTONE ON YOUR GENTILE ASS.

YOU HEAR ME?

[ MACHINE BEEPS ]

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> J.P.: MOST PEOPLE WILL TELL

YOU THAT PROGRAMS LIKE

"REMARKABLE POWER" DON'T

ACTUALLY WORK.

NEVER LET OTHER PEOPLE'S DOUBTS

INTERFERE WITH YOUR PATH TO

SUCCESS!

>> Announcer: ORDER NOW AND

RECEIVE THIS LIMITED-TIME OFFER

OF JUST $39.99 FOR THE COMPLETE

SET OF J.P. ZAHN'S

"REMARKABLE POWER."

>> HEY, IT'S MIKE.

I'M NOT IN RIGHT NOW.

I'M OUT CATCHING SOME MONSTER

WAVES.

LEAVE A MESSAGE.

>> Athena: HI, ROSS.

REMEMBER ME?

COME ON, ROSS, DO YOU REALLY

THINK YOU'RE GONNA GET AWAY WITH

THIS?

SOMEBODY'S BOUND TO FIND ME

SOONER OR LATER.

>> Ross: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

>> Athena: HEY, ROSS.

>> Ross: WHO IS THIS?!

>> Athena: IT'S YOUR OLD BUDDY.

>> Ross: LOOK, SHUT UP WITH THAT

SHIT.

THIS IS ELVIRA, ISN'T IT?

>> Athena: CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'RE SMARTER THAN I THOUGHT.

>> Ross: SO IT WAS YOU.

I GUESS I SHOULD THANK YOU.

WHY DID YOU DO IT?

>> Athena: DO WHAT?

>> Ross: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

TALKING ABOUT.

WHERE DID YOU TAKE HIM?

>> Athena: COME AGAIN?

>> Ross: PRESTON!

WHERE DID YOU DUMP HIM?

>> Van Hagen: YOU KNOW WHAT, I

THINK ROSS STILL PROBABLY MOVED

THE BODY.

>> Athena: YOU SAID YOU SAW HIM

LEAVE THE BEACH HOUSE.

>> Van Hagen: I DID, AND I

FILMED HIM.

AND THEN I FOLLOWED HIM, BUT...

>> Athena: WHAT?

>> Van Hagen: BUT I LEFT MY

CAMERA RUNNING, FILMING THE

BEACH HOUSE.

>> Athena: DON'T TELL ME YOU

DIDN'T WATCH IT.

>> Van Hagen: OKAY, I WON'T

TELL YOU.

>> Athena: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

YOU'RE THE WORST DETECTIVE EVER.

HE LOOKS MUCH BETTER BREATHING.

HE'S KIND OF CUTE.

>> Van Hagen: UH, WELL, THAT WAS

THE LAST DAY I SAW HIM.

HERE'S THE NEXT DAY.

[ FAST-FORWARDING ]

>> Athena: WAIT, STOP.

WHAT'S THAT?

>> Van Hagen: LOOKS LIKE

SOMEONE'S DOING A LITTLE SPRING

CLEANING.

>> Athena: DON'T THEY MENTION

SOMEBODY NAMED VLADO ON

PRESTON'S MACHINE?

>> Van Hagen: YEAH, VLADO WAS

GONNA HELP PRESTON WITH HIS

PROBLEM, WHATEVER THAT WAS.

>> Athena: WELL, I'D SAY UNLESS

IT INCLUDED SOME SERIOUSLY

HARD-TO-REMOVE CARPET STAINS...

>> Van Hagen: I THINK WE FOUND

OUR BODY SNATCHERS.

>> Ross: WELL, WHAT IF I DON'T

HAVE $350?

>> IF THE IMPOUNDED VEHICLE IS

UNCLAIMED, IT WILL REMAIN IN

STORAGE AT A RATE OF $18 PER

DAY.

>> Ross: HMM.

CAN YOU HANG ON A SECOND?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[ HORSE WHINNYING ]

>> PA, I GOT HIM! I GOT HIM!

>> * BENEATH THE BEBOP MOON

* I WANT TO CROON WITH YOU

* BENEATH THE MAMBO SUN

* I GOT TO BE THE ONE

* WITH YOU, OOH, WITH YOU, OOH

[ DOG BARKING ]

>> Jack: [ HUMMING ]

[ BELL DINGS ]

>> ALL RIGHT, NOW, JUST HOLD

STILL NOW.

>> GOT IT.

>> Jack: THAT IT?

>> THAT'S IT.

WE WILL TAKE IT FROM HERE,

HONEY.

>> Ross: HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

HEY, UH...

HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

I WAS JUST OUT GETTING MY

BRAND-NEW BMW WASHED.

[ CHUCKLES ]

SERIOUS MACHINE.

[ GUNFIRE ]

I'M THE ROSS MAN.

>> J.P.: IF I HAD TOLD YOU TWO

WEEKS AGO THAT TODAY, YOU'D BE

SITTING IN THIS BEAUTIFUL

PARADISE, SURROUNDED BY MORE

MONEY THAN YOU COULD EVER

IMAGINE, WOULD YOU HAVE

BELIEVED ME?

>> Ross: NOT A CHANCE, J.P.

IN FACT, I STILL CAN'T

BELIEVE IT.

JUST TWO WEEKS AGO, I WAS LIVING

IN A CRAPPY APARTMENT, SELLING

KNIVES DOOR-TO-DOOR.

I MEAN, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

ME, A KNIFE SALESMAN.

>> J.P.: BUT LOOK AT YOU NOW.

>> Ross: THAT'S RIGHT, J.P.

LOOK AT ME NOW.

>> * WHILE THIS SONG HE SANG

* GOO GOO, GOO GOO BARABAJAGAL

WAS MY NAME, NOW *

* GOO GOO, GOO GOO BARABAJAGAL

>> Ross: THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M THE ROSS MAN.

>> HEY.

>> Ross: HEY.

>> WHO ARE YOU?

>> Ross: I'M ROSS.

WHO ARE YOU?

>> I'M CANDY.

IS PRESTON HERE?

>> Ross: PRESTON?

>> YEAH, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET

AHOLD OF HIM FOR, LIKE, TWO

DAYS.

>> Ross: UH, NO, NO, HE...

>> [ INHALES SHARPLY ]

JERK.

WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER?

>> Ross: IS PRESTON YOUR

BOYFRIEND?

>> IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO

CALL IT.

ARE YOU A FRIEND OF HIS?

>> Ross: UH, YEAH, I MEAN...

MORE A FRIEND OF MARK'S --

MIKE'S.

>> OH.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> Ross: UH, WELL, I CAME BY TO

FEED MIKE'S DOG.

I WAS JUST ON MY WAY OUT.

>> WHERE'S THE DOG?

>> Ross: WELL, YOU KNOW, HE WENT

OUT.

PROBABLY RUN SOME ERRANDS OR

SOMETHING.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

YOU'RE FUNNY.

[ LAUGHS ]

LITTLE SHOPPING SPREE, HUH?

>> Ross: YEAH.

YEAH, I HAD A GOOD MONTH.

>> WHAT DO YOU DO?

>> Ross: I'M A D.E.S.

>> COOL.

WHAT'S THAT, AGAIN?

>> Ross: DOMESTIC ENHANCEMENT

SPECIALIST.

>> WOW.

RIGHT ON.

SO, I WAS GONNA GO LAY OUT IN

THE BACK.

MAYBE THOUGHT YOU'D WANT TO

COME, BUT I GUESS YOU GOT TO

RUN.

>> Ross: NO -- I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

I GOT SOME CLIENTS AND STUFF I

GOT TO MEET LATER, BUT THAT'S

LATER.

>> SO, YOU WANT TO GO?

>> Ross: YEAH.

>> OKAY.

[ GATE CREAKS ]

[ CAR DOOR OPENS ]

>> Van Hagen: HEY.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

YOU JUST WAKE UP?

>> Athena: I'M NOT A MORNING

PERSON.

>> Van Hagen: THAT'S A SHOCKER.

THEY'RE RUSSIANS.

>> Athena: RUSSIANS, HUH?

>> Van Hagen: YEAH, THEY GOT A

LEGITIMATE CARPET-CLEANING

BUSINESS.

THEY'RE EVEN IN THE

YELLOW PAGES.

>> Athena: HUH.

[ SNIFFING ]

>> Van Hagen: WHAT?

>> Athena: IS THAT OLD SPICE?

>> Van Hagen: IS THAT BAD?

>> Athena: NO, I LIKE IT.

I JUST DIDN'T KNOW THEY STILL

MADE IT.

>> Van Hagen: YEAH, THEY DO.

>> * IF YOU LIKE PIÑA COLADAS

* AND GETTING CAUGHT IN THE

RAIN *

* IF YOU'RE NOT INTO YOGA

>> Ross: SO, TELL ME MORE ABOUT

PRESTON.

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

>> Ross: WELL, HE WORKS FOR A

GUY NAMED MOSES?

>> MOSES IS A SUPPLIER.

HE'S A TOTAL PSYCHO, THOUGH,

ESPECIALLY IF YOU OWE HIM MONEY.

>> * WRITE TO ME AND ESCAPE

>> Ross: WHY DIDN'T PRESTON JUST

PAY HIM?

>> BECAUSE OF HIS ACCIDENT ON

"KING DONG."

>> Ross: "KING DONG"?

>> SON OF A BITCH!

PRESTON, YOU ARE 15 MINUTES

LATE!

>> Preston: WHATEVER, MAN.

JUST BRING ME MY COSTUME.

WHAT IS THIS?

>> COSTUME WOMAN BROUGHT THE

WRONG WIG.

SO TONIGHT, YOU'LL BE SOUL MAN.

>> Preston: AND THIS IS YOUR

IDEA OF THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN?

>> WE MAKE IT LOOK REAL IN

COMPUTER.

SO SHUT UP, CLIMB ON TOP, AND

DON'T FORGET YOUR FUCKING LINE.

OKAY, COME ON, LADIES.

KING DONG'S IN THE HOUSE.

>> Preston: YEAH, KING FUCKING

DONG.

>> COME ON, TEAM ALOHA, YOU'RE

HAPPY, YOU'RE PASSIONATE, YOU'RE

SEXY.

GOOD. YOU ARE ANGRY.

YOU ARE THE DEVIL.

YEAH, YEAH.

[ BARKING ]

THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT!

OKAY, PRESTON, YOU ARE LARGE.

YOU'RE GIGANTIC.

YOU ARE UNCUT.

YOU'RE KING DONG!

PROCLAIM IT! ACTION!

>> Preston: I AM THE KING OF

HOLLYWOOD!

>> I AM THE KING OF HOLLYWOOD!

>> Preston: I AM THE KING OF

HOLLYWOOD!

>> GOOD. ONE MORE.

I AM KING OF HOLLYWOOD.

>> Preston: I AM KING OF

HOLLYWOOD!

>> THAT'S IT! GENIUS!

LET ME SEE IT WITH TITLES.

>> Preston: I AM THE KING OF

HOLLYWOOD!

>> PERFECT.

[ WOOD CREAKING ]

>> COJELON, PRESTON!

ARE YOU OKAY?! PRESTON!

GET UP, GET UP, GET UP!

THE COPS!

THE COPS ARE COMING!

GO, GO, GO!

[ SIREN WAILS ]

YOU'RE OKAY! YOU'RE OKAY!

EVERYONE IS FINE!

>> THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I SAW

HIM.

>> Ross: OH.

>> * IF YOU HAVE HALF A BRAIN

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

>> AREN'T YOU GONNA ANSWER THAT?

>> Ross: NO, IT'S PROBABLY NOT

FOR ME.

>> HEY, IT'S MIKE.

I'M NOT IN RIGHT NOW.

I'M OUT CATCHING SOME MONSTER

WAVES.

LEAVE A MESSAGE.

>> YO, PRESTON, IT'S REGGIE!

>> IT'S REGGIE!

>> WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!

WHY AIN'T YOU ANSWER YOUR CELL?!

>> REGGIE?

>> CANDY?

>> IT'S CANDY.

>> OH, DAMN, I'M GLAD TO HEAR

YOUR VOICE.

I'M ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND IN

HERE.

>> WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU?

>> IN JAIL.

>> Athena: THERE IT IS.

>> Van Hagen: YEAH.

YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?

>> Athena: YOU KIDDING?

>> Van Hagen: I'LL BE RIGHT

HERE, OKAY?

>> Athena: OKAY.

>> Van Hagen: BE CAREFUL.

HEY, ATHENA!

ATHENA, HERE, JUST IN CASE.

>> Athena: OH, THANKS.

[ DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE ]

>> [ LAUGHING ]

>> Athena: BINGO.

>> JACK? SKIP AND BILL ARE HERE.

>> HEY, JACK.

>> Jack: HEY, PAL.

>> LISTEN, I JUST WANTED TO STOP

IN AND CLEAR THE AIR, MAKE SURE

THERE'S NO HARD FEELINGS.

>> Jack: WHY WOULD I HAVE HARD

FEELINGS, SKIP?

>> I DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD --

>> Jack: 'CAUSE YOUR EGOTISTICAL

LITTLE BRAIN IS SO BLOATED, YOU

ACTUALLY THINK YOU KNOW MORE

ABOUT THE BUSINESS THAN SOMEONE

THAT'S BEEN IN IT FOR OVER

40 YEARS?

OR MAYBE BECAUSE EVER SINCE YOU

GOT HERE -- WHAT'S IT BEEN, LIKE

TWO YEARS NOW? -- YOU'VE DONE

NOTHING BUT TRY TO KILL MY SHOW,

A SHOW THAT WAS PULLING IN SOME

OF THE BIGGEST SHARES IN NETWORK

HISTORY WHEN YOU WERE WAKING UP

IN YOUR OWN VOMIT AT SOME FRAT

PARTY?

OR COULD IT SIMPLY BE THAT YOU

WALK AROUND WITH YOUR NOSE UP SO

MANY PEOPLE'S ASSES, YOU HAVE NO

IDEA HOW BAD YOUR OWN SHIT

STINKS?

OTHER THAN THAT, I THINK YOU'RE

A SWELL GUY, SKIP.

CANDY?

>> OH, GOSH.

THANKS AGAIN, CANDY.

>> THANK ROSS.

HE'S THE ONE WHO PAID BAIL.

>> THANKS, MAN.

I'LL GET YOU BACK.

>> Ross: NO PROBLEM.

>> SO, ARE YOU GONNA TELL US

WHAT HAPPENED?

I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT YOU.

>> OH, MAN, THIS IS ONE

FUCKED-UP SITUATION.

WHERE DO I EVEN START?

>> HOW ABOUT FROM THE BEGINNING?

>> SHIT. ALL RIGHT.

CAN Y'ALL DO ME ONE MORE FAVOR?

I NEED TO GET SOME CHICKEN AND

WAFFLES IN ME REAL BAD.

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

>> YOU TALK, I'LL DRIVE.

>> [ SCATTING ]

>> YO.

>> Preston: WHAT UP?

>> DAMN, SON.

WHEN YOU GONNA DITCH THE E.R.

LOOK?

>> Preston: WHEN I CAN FUCKING

MOVE.

>> WHAT WE HAVE HERE?

>> Preston: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

THAT'S ALL I GOT, MAN.

>> THAT'S COOL. IT'S COOL.

I DON'T NEED NO ARTIFICIAL HIGH

TONIGHT.

>> Preston: WHY'S THAT?

>> OH, I DON'T KNOW.

COULD IT BE BECAUSE A BROTHER

FINALLY CAUGHT A BREAK IN THIS

LILY-WHITE INDUSTRY?

>> Preston: NO SHIT?

THEY'RE REMAKING "ROOTS," MAN?

THAT'S GREAT.

>> THAT'S FUNNY.

>> Preston: I'M JUST KIDDING,

MAN.

YOU GOT THAT SCHLITZ MALT LIQUOR

COMMERCIAL, THOUGH?

>> KEEP GOING.

YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE LEAD

TALENT ON A NATIONAL, BITCH,

RIGHT HERE.

>> Preston: NATIONAL?

GET OUT OF HERE.

>> ENOUGH CASH TO LAST ME A

YEAR, AND A CLOSETFUL OF BOXER

BRIEFS.

>> Preston: THAT'S REALLY

GREAT, MAN.

I'M -- I AM PROUD OF YOU.

>> THANKS, MAN.

SO WHAT'S THIS FAVOR YOU HAVE

FOR ME?

>> Preston: IT'S IN THAT BOX

DOWN THERE.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S A GOOD THING YOU GOT THAT

LOCK ON THERE.

I KNOW IF I WAS RIPPING YOU OFF,

I'D BE LIKE, "WHOA, THAT SHIT'S

GOT A LOCK.

BETTER NOT GO IN THERE."

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Preston: TAKE THIS SHIT TO

SUAREZ.

>> OH, MAN, I DON'T GOT TIME TO

BE RIDING ALL THE WAY OVER

THERE.

>> Preston: LOOK, IT'S NOT LIKE

YOU'RE DENZEL YET, ALL RIGHT?

SO IF YOU COULD FIND IT IN YOUR

HEART TO DO ME A FAVOR, THAT

WOULD BE GREAT.

IT'S JUST ONE DEAL, MAN.

IT'S OBVIOUSLY A BIG ONE.

I OWE MOSES 10 GRAND.

I GOT TO PAY HIM BY THURSDAY.

OTHERWISE, I'M IN DEEP SHIT.

I'LL GIVE YOU 100 BUCKS.

>> 100 BONES?

>> Preston: ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVE

YOU 200 BUCKS.

>> PLUS YOUR RIDE.

>> Preston: JESUS, MAN.

FINE.

JUST COME RIGHT BACK HERE, ALL

RIGHT?

DON'T STOP AT THE FUCKING

MINI MART, PICK UP BITCHES, OR

WHATEVER YOU DO.

>> BITCH, PLEASE.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

>> [ SCATTING ]

[ ALARM CHIRPS ]

[ TIRES SQUEAL ]

>> GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!

>> YOU WANT TO DIE, BOY?!

COME ON!

COME ON, GET OUT OF THE CAR!

>> OH, GOD!

>> FUCK YOU!

>> GET OFF ME! GET OFF ME!

>> YEAH, BOY, BUST HIM UP!

BUST HIM UP!

GET! GET!

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

[ TIRES SQUEALING ]

[ TIRES SQUEALING ]

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

>> WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

>> Preston: JUST KEEP YOUR

FUCKING MOUTH SHUT, ALL RIGHT?

I TOLD YOU.

>> WHAT DID WE TELL YOU ABOUT

SHOWING UP UNANNOUNCED?

THIS AIN'T NO ampm.

AND WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?

>> Preston: LOOK, I'M SORRY,

I'VE JUST -- I'VE GOT A

SITUATION, AND I NEED TO TALK TO

MOSES.

[ KNUCKLES CRACK ]

>> THIS BETTER BE GOOD.

>> WHAT A LOOK OF CONCENTRATION

ON THAT FACE.

>> GUY BETTER BE SWINGING.

>> 2-1 PITCH ON THE WAY.

WADE SWINGS, AND THERE'S A LONG

FLY BALL DEEP TO LEFT FIELD.

WILLIAMS IS AT AT THE TRACK.

THAT BALL IS GONE!

>> YES!

YEAH, BABY, YEAH!

[ LAUGHS ]

HAND IT OVER, SON.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> YO, BIG BRO.

WE GOT A VISITOR.

>> Preston: LOOK, I'M SORRY,

MOSES, BUT WE GOT A BIG PROBLEM

HERE.

REGGIE WAS CARJACKED.

>> HMM.

[ SNORTS ]

AND YOUR POINT IS?

>> Preston: THE BLOW WAS IN THE

CAR.

>> I'M STILL WAITING FOR THE

PART THAT CONCERNS US.

DID YOU HEAR IT, TINY?

>> NOPE.

>> HUH?

>> ME NEITHER.

>> YEAH. SO...

>> Preston: I'M SORRY, BUT I'M

NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO GET YOUR

MONEY ON TIME.

>> Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh.

LET'S THINK ABOUT THAT, HMM?

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

NO.

SEE, I DISAGREE, PORN STAR.

YENTA HERE HAS GOT SOME BIG-ASS

BALLS INTERRUPTING OUR EVENING

WITH THIS BULLSHIT, HUH?

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO MAKE

SURE IT DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

NUMBER THREE.

>> Preston: HEY, HEY, HEY, COME

ON.

NO, NO, NO, MOSES!

NO, NO, NO!

>> DON'T YOU MOVE AN INCH, BOY.

>> Preston: MOSES, JESUS CHRIST,

LET GO OF MY FUCKING LEGS!

>> DO YOU KNOW WHO MOSES WAS

FROM THE BIBLE?

>> Preston: YEAH, HE WAS THE

TEN COMMANDMENTS DUDE.

>> TEN COMMANDMENTS DUDE.

THAT IS CORRECT.

OR AS US CHOSEN ONES PREFER TO

CALL HIM, THE GIVER OF THE LAW.

SEE, NOW, MOSES BROUGHT DOWN

THAT LAW FROM MOUNT SINAI FOR A

REASON.

TELL HIM WHY, DAMON.

>> HELPS KEEP SHIT IN ORDER.

>> AND ORDER IS A GOOD THING.

TELL HIM WHY IT'S A GOOD THING,

TINY.

>> HELPS SHIT RUN EFFICIENTLY.

>> AND EFFICIENCY, IT'S A VERY

GOOD THING.

WOULDN'T YOU AGREE WITH THAT,

PORN STAR?

>> Preston: YEAH.

>> SO...

WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU WERE GONNA

HAVE MY MONEY?

>> [ BELCHES, CLEARS THROAT ]

SO, IVAN SAYS YOU ARE GOOD

WORKERS, YES?

>> Preston: UH, YES.

WE'LL DO ANYTHING.

WE JUST NEED TO GET OUR HANDS

ON --

>> $10,000, YES, YES, I

UNDERSTAND.

WHEN DO YOU NEED THIS MONEY?

>> Preston: THURSDAY.

>> YES, WELL, THAT CAN BE DONE,

BUT YOU MUST WORK FAST.

I WOULD SAY BEST IS MAN, BETWEEN

40 AND 50, OVER 6 FEET TALL,

WHITE SKIN.

YES, WE DON'T NEED BLACK RIGHT

NOW.

>> Preston: I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

>> IVAN DID NOT TELL YOU?

>> Preston: NO.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

[ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

YOU ARE TO FIND A BODY, EH?

A CORPSE.

>> [ SCATTING ]

>> Preston: DID YOU SAY CORPSE?

>> YES, DEAD BODY.

BUT IT MUST BE FRESH.

NO MORE THAN TWO, THREE DAYS.

IF IT IS ROTTEN, HE IS NO GOOD

FOR US.

YOU CAN DO THIS, NO?

>> Preston: YEAH.

UM, SO, WHERE DO WE TAKE THE

BODY?

>> NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU GIVE ME ADDRESS, WE PICK UP

BODY.

WE WILL LEAVE YOU KEY FOR SAFE

DEPOSIT BOX.

INSIDE BOX WILL BE YOUR MONEY.

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

YES.

WE WILL BE THURSDAY, NOON.

YOU LEAVE KEY OVER DOOR.

YES, THANK YOU.

GOODBYE.

>> YES.

>> Preston: YES.

>> J.P.: TWO YEARS AGO, I WAS

LIVING IN A TRAILER.

I HAD NO JOB.

I WAS SERIOUSLY IN DEBT, AND I

WEIGHED 98 POUNDS.

>> BUT LOOK AT YOU NOW!

>> J.P.: THAT'S RIGHT, LOOK AT

ME NOW.

NOW I LIVE IN A

10,000-SQUARE-FOOT MANSION IN

BEVERLY...

>> DAMN.

>> Preston: YOU JUST CHECK THOSE

TRAYS.

I'LL CHECK THESE.

>> YO, CHECK IT OUT.

NICK NOLTE FINALLY DIED.

WHOA. BARBECUE.

>> Preston: DID SOMEBODY YOUNG

DIE?

>> YO, I THINK WE GOT A WINNER.

>> I'M SO SORRY, MRS. BELINSKI.

THIS WON'T TAKE LONG.

>> Preston: SHIT!

JUST GO, GO, GO, GO!

>> ALL I'M SAYING IS, A LOT OF

THE BEST ACTORS GOT THEIR STARTS

IN COMMERCIALS.

IT'S THE PERFECT STEPPING STONE

TO FEATURES.

>> Preston: TO -- TO FEATURES?

>> YEAH.

>> Preston: IT'S A FUCKING

BUTT-HUGGER COMMERCIAL, MAN.

YOU CALL THAT ACTING?

>> OH, I'M SORRY.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GIVE UP AND

START DOING SOME CHEAP-ASS SKIN

FLICKS.

>> Preston: I KNEW YOU WERE

GONNA SAY THAT.

REGGIE, I HOPE ALL YOUR

HOLLYWOOD DREAMS COME TRUE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Preston: LET'S JUST FUCKING

GET THIS OVER WITH, PLEASE.

>> [ SIGHS ]

LOOKS DEAD.

THIS MARIACHI GOT NO LEGS.

[ GROANS ]

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TRY TO GET

ANOTHER AGENT THEN?

>> Preston: AND LET SOME OTHER

HOLLYWOOD JERK-OFF SEND ME OFF

ON WORTHLESS AUDITIONS?

I DON'T THINK SO, MAN.

>> SEE, THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM

RIGHT THERE.

SEE, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE

REJECTION.

THAT'S A PART OF THE PROCESS,

BROTHER.

EVERY ACTOR'S GOT TO --

>> Preston: WILL YOU JUST WORRY

ABOUT YOURSELF, OKAY?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. I'M FINE.

JUST DIG.

>> JUST TRYING TO HELP.

[ METAL CLANGS ]

>> YO. WE IN BUSINESS.

YO, PRESTON!

WHERE THE FUCK YOU GO?!

>> EVENING.

YOU MIND TELLING ME WHAT YOU'RE

DOING DOWN THERE?

DAMN, THIS SHIT'S GOOD.

THANK YOU.

>> SO, THAT WAS THE LAST TIME

YOU SAW PRESTON.

>> YEP, I FIGURED HE'D GONE BACK

TO THE BEACH HOUSE, BUT I GUESS

NOT.

NIGGA MUST HAVE SKIPPED TOWN OR

SOMETHING.

SO HOW YOU KNOW PRESTON?

>> ROSS? HELLO?

>> Ross: SORRY.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW PRESTON.

I KNOW MATT.

>> WHO THE HELL IS MATT?

>> Ross: I MEAN MIKE, MIKE.

EXCUSE ME A SECOND.

>> WHERE DID YOU MEET THIS JOKER

AT?

>> AT THE BEACH HOUSE.

>> Preston: DID YOU SAY THAT

NOBODY KNOWS YOU'RE HERE?

>> J.P.: I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

THINKING.

YOU SHOULD BE DEAD RIGHT NOW.

PRESTON CHICKENED OUT AND BLEW

HIS OPPORTUNITY FOR SUCCESS.

DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE.

DITCH THESE CLOWNS.

OH, COME ON, DON'T TELL ME

YOU'RE INTO THIS BROAD.

>> Ross: MAYBE.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

>> J.P.: WELL, HOW LONG DO YOU

THINK THIS CHARADE IS GONNA

LAST, HUH?

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE SHE FINDS OUT THAT YOU

WHACKED HER BOYFRIEND.

>> Ross: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

>> J.P.: WAS IT? REALLY?

HEY, WISE UP.

SHE'S USING YOU, JUST LIKE SHE

USED PRESTON.

REMEMBER, ROSS, YOU ARE IN

CHARGE.

YOU ARE IN CONTROL.

>> MAN, WHY YOU USE A FORK WITH

THE CHICKEN, MAN?

USE YOUR HAND.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, AIN'T THAT TINY DISCO BAGEL

OVER THERE?

>> HELL, NO.

>> MOTHERFUCKER.

>> FIVE MINUTES, JACK.

>> Jack: THANKS, TIM.

OH, HEY, DO ME A FAVOR, WILL

YOU?

GIVE THIS TO SKIP RIGHT AFTER

THE SHOW.

>> YOU GOT IT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> GO GET 'EM, HANDSOME.

>> Jack: THANK YOU.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE IS

YOUR HOST, JACK WEST!

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Van Hagen: UM, HOW DID YOU

GET INTO THIS LINE OF...

WORK?

>> Athena: ARE YOU LOOKING FOR

SOMETHING MORE PROFOUND?

>> Van Hagen: SO, YOU JUST LIKE

TO LOOK AT DEAD PEOPLE?

>> Athena: DOESN'T EVERYBODY?

>> Van Hagen: UM, NO.

I DON'T THINK SO.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

UH-OH. WE HAVE MOVEMENT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Jack: AND WE ARE BACK!

OKAY, FOLKS, WE -- BY THE WAY,

CHAVO, YOU ARE LOOKING QUITE

DAPPER TONIGHT.

IS THAT A NEW SUIT?

>> WELL, JACK, YOU'D HAVE TO ASK

MY WIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND SPEAKING OF WIVES, I THINK I

SEE YOUR BETTER HALF IN THE

AUDIENCE, JACK.

>> Jack: YES, YOU DO.

YES, YOU DO.

AND OF COURSE, I HAD TO TALK HER

INTO COMING HERE TONIGHT.

CYNTHIA, WHY DON'T YOU STAND UP

SO ALL THE FOLKS OUT IN TV LAND

CAN SEE HOW LUCKY I AM?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> OOPS.

IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY'S

SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TONIGHT,

JACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jack: SORRY, HONEY.

>> ENJOY THE SHOW, KIDS.

>> [ HUMMING

"TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME" ]

>> [ MUMBLING ]

>> ALL RIGHT, NOW, BRO.

LET'S SEE THE SHOW.

FOUL BALL.

>> BRINGING ON THE HEAT TONIGHT.

>> MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHOKE UP.

>> MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO TO HELL.

[ BAT CLANGS ]

>> [ GROANS ]

>> SHIT!

>> STRIKE TWO!

>> OH, DAMN!

DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT?!

>> I SEE YOUR ASS GETTING

FANNED.

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE,

SON.

>> [ WHIMPERS ]

[ GROANS ]

>> I KNOW IT HURT.

I KNOW IT HURTS.

>> STRIKE ONE, MESHUGGENEH.

>> [ MOANING ]

[ GROANS ]

>> WHAT THE FUCK?

>> WHOO!

THAT SHIT WAS HIGH.

>> BULLSHIT!

THAT WAS A STRIKE!

>> YO, DAIRY QUEEN!

WAS THAT SHIT HIGH OR WHAT?

>> Ross: LOOKED A LITTLE HIGH,

MAN.

>> THAT LOOK HIGH TO YOU?

>> THAT WOULD BE A BALL IN MY

BOOK.

>> BULLSHIT! CHEST TO KNEES!

THAT IS THE STRIKE ZONE!

>> [ GROANS ]

>> NOW, THAT'S A STRIKE.

>> Athena: HERE WE GO.

WHO'S THIS GUY?

>> Van Hagen: I HAVE NO IDEA.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

>> [ MUMBLING ]

>> WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?

>> NOTHING.

IT'S THE SAME AS BEFORE.

>> WELL, OBVIOUSLY NOT, HEBRO.

THIS SHIT AIN'T CLOSING.

>> STEP ASIDE.

LET ME TRY THIS SHIT.

>> [ MUMBLING ]

>> MUST BE THE LOCK.

>> THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH

THE LOCK, SCHWARTZ.

IT'S THE FUCKING DOLLY.

>> Ross: CANDY?

THERE'S SOMETHING I GOT TO TELL

YOU.

I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU A LONG

TIME AGO, BUT I COULDN'T.

IT'S HARD TO TELL SOMEONE, I

MEAN, ESPECIALLY SOMEONE --

>> ROSS, I THINK I KNOW WHAT

YOU'RE SAYING.

>> Ross: I SERIOUSLY DOUBT THAT.

>> THEN WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

>> Ross: I'M AFRAID THAT I...

I SORT OF KILLED PRESTON.

>> WHAT?

>> Jack: OKAY, OUR NEXT GUEST IS

THE ONE YOU'VE ALL BEEN

WAITING FOR.

I KNOW I HAVE BEEN.

AFTER HIS RECENT PERFORMANCES IN

THE WORLD SERIES, HE NEEDS NO

INTRODUCTION.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A WARM

ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR HOMETOWN

HERO DOUG WADE!

DOUG!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HOW ARE YOU?

>> GOOD.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Jack: WOW, WHAT AN OVATION.

UNBELIEVABLE. UNBELIEVABLE.

>> WHAT CAN I SAY?

YOU KNOW, JACK, IT'S BEEN A

WHILE SINCE BIG BLUE'S WON THE

BIG DANCE.

>> Jack: YES, IT HAS BEEN. YEP.

NOW, I UNDERSTAND YOUR WIFE IS

HERE WITH YOU TONIGHT?

>> SHE IS.

>> Jack: AH.

>> ALONG WITH MY DAUGHTER,

TIFFANY, AND MY SON, TOMMY.

>> Jack: WHERE ARE YOU, LAUREN?

OH, THERE SHE IS.

>> HI, BABY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Jack: YEAH, WOW.

GOOD SEASON FOR YOU, HUH?

>> YEAH.

>> Jack: NOW I UNDERSTAND THAT

YOU'RE A FREE AGENT, AND I HEAR

YOU'RE LOOKING AT A PAYDAY OF

MAYBE $300 MILLION?

WHEW!

>> WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT

MY AGENT THINKS.

>> Jack: I HOPE YOU GOT A

PRE-NUP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> Jack: I'M KIDDING.

I'M KIDDING.

NO, BUT SERIOUSLY, WHEN YOU'RE

OUT THERE ON THE ROAD, YOU GOT

TO HAVE A LOT OF WOMEN LOOKING

TO GET UP CLOSE WITH A BIG

BALLPLAYER LIKE DOUG WADE.

DOES THAT EVER PRESENT A

PROBLEM?

>> NO, NO, NO. NOT FOR ME, JACK.

I...I LOVE MY WIFE.

>> Jack: AH, THAT'S NICE TO

HEAR, DOUG.

>> Athena: I WANT TO GO IN

THERE.

>> Van Hagen: UH --

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

>> Jack: YOU LED THE LEAGUE IN

HOME RUNS.

>> I DID.

>> Jack: I SAW YOU DRILL ONE ALL

THE WAY HOME.

THAT FELT PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

>> FELT GREAT, ACTUALLY, JACK.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE TO

UNDERSTAND, THERE'S A LOT OF

PRESSURE --

>> Jack: NOW, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY

WAS THE CLIMAX OF THE YEAR FOR

YOU?

>> WELL, JACK, I'D HAVE TO SAY

THAT THE CLIMAX WAS THAT LAST

HOME RUN I HIT.

>> Jack: I BET IT WAS.

I BET IT WAS.

>> YEAH.

>> Jack: FOLKS, LET'S TAKE A

LOOK AT ONE OF THE MOST

MEMORABLE MOMENTS IN BASEBALL

HISTORY.

OKAY, THERE YOU ARE, YOU'RE

HOLDING THE WOOD.

>> MM-HMM.

>> Jack: YOU'RE ABOUT TO ENTER

THE BOX.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> Jack: WHAT'S GOING THROUGH

YOUR MIND, DOUG WADE?

>> WELL, I'M THINKING, JACK,

IT'S TIME TO DRILL THIS BABY

HOME.

>> Jack: I BET YOU ARE.

TONY, LET'S ROLL THE TAPE.

>> AND SO THE SEASON COMES DOWN

TO THIS.

TWO ON, TWO OUT, BOTTOM OF THE

NINTH, GAME SIX OF THE

WORLD SERIES.

AND WHAT A MATCHUP!

TEMPLE IS ARGUABLY THE BEST

RELIEVER IN THE GAME.

HIS POSTSEASON E.R.A. A

REMARKABLE 0.88.

FROM THE STRETCH, THE PITCH.

LOW AND AWAY, BALL ONE.

IF THE DOGS COULD HAVE ANYONE AT

THE PLATE RIGHT NOW, IT WOULD BE

WADE.

HE POSTED LEAGUE-LEADING NUMBERS

IN HOME RUNS AND RBIs.

EVERYONE'S ON THEIR FEET.

1-0 PITCH ON THE WAY.

WADE SWINGS AND MISSES. 1-1.

DOUG IS ALREADY A STAR IN A CITY

THAT BOASTS SO MANY.

THE QUESTION IS, CAN HE RISE TO

THE OCCASION?

>> WHO ARE YOU?

I SAID, WHO ARE YOU?!

AAH! YOU LITTLE BITCH!

>> THE DELIVERY. LOW, 2-1.

THERE HAS GOT TO BE TREMENDOUS

PRESSURE ON WADE RIGHT NOW.

THE SERIES IS LITERALLY ON HIS

SHOULDERS.

WHAT A LOOK OF CONCENTRATION ON

THAT FACE.

2-1 PITCH ON THE WAY.

WADE SWINGS, AND THERE'S A LONG

FLY BALL.

>> Cynthia: [ MOANING ]

>> THAT BALL IS GONE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Cynthia: OH, YEAH, YEAH.

OH, OH, DOUG!

[ MOANING ]

>> MAN, HE GOT ALL OF THAT ONE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Cynthia: [ MOANING ]

OH, MY GOD!

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU SON OF A BITCH.

>> Jack: BITE ME.

GET THIS WHORE OFF ME.

GET THE WHORE OFF ME.

>> Athena: GO, GO, GO, GO!

>> Van Hagen: WHAT HAPPENED?

>> Athena: THERE WAS SOMEBODY

THERE, BUT I THINK I HAVE

SOMETHING -- WE GOT TO GET TO MY

HOUSE FIRST.

>> WHERE IS HE?

>> HE DISAPPEARED.

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE

DISAPPEARED?

>> HEY, SKIP, JACK WANTED ME TO

GIVE YOU THIS.

>> GRAND SLAM, JACK.

>> Jack: OUT OF THE PARK.

>> GOOD LUCK.

>> Jack: THANKS.

>> I'M GONNA MISS YOU.

>> Jack: I'LL MISS YOU, TOO.

TAKE CARE.

DON'T EVER FORGET THE MOST

IMPORTANT RULE IN SHOWBIZ.

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> Jack: IT AIN'T OVER TILL THE

FAT LADY SINGS.

>> WHO'S YOUR MASTER?!

>> Preston: YOU ARE!

>> WHO'S YOUR MASTER?!

>> Preston: YOU ARE.

>> BARK.

>> Preston: BARK!

>> BARK, YOU PATHETIC LITTLE

DOG -- YOU BARK!

YOU BARK WHEN I SAY BARK!

>> Preston: [ HOWLING ]

[ HOWLING ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

PORN STAR SHOULD WIN A

GOLDEN GLOBE FOR THIS SHIT.

>> YOU BARK WHEN I SAY BARK!

>> [ MOANING ]

>> DISCO, UNLESS YOU'RE DONE

FEEDING ME THAT DEAD BODY MAFIA

BULLSHIT, I SUGGEST YOU KNOCK

OFF THE WHINING.

>> NOTHING!

>> BARK, I SAID!

BARK, I SAID!

>> Preston: [ BARKING ]

>> SO, YOU SAY THIS PLACE HERE

BELONGS TO YOUR BUDDY MIKE.

>> I TOLD YOU, MOSES.

MIKE IS PRESTON'S COUSIN.

>> LET'S LET JOHN BOY HERE TALK.

>> Ross: LOOK, I DON'T KNOW THE

GUY THAT WELL.

PRESTON JUST TOLD ME THAT HE WAS

OUT OF TOWN AND I COULD STAY FOR

THE WEEKEND.

>> OH, HE DID, HUH?

>> THE FUCK?!

>> WHO ARE YOU?

>> WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

>> HEY, CHILL OUT, SPICOLI.

WE'RE ALL FRIENDS OF PRESTON'S.

>> WELL, WHERE IS HE?

>> WELL, YOUR BUDDY ROSS HERE

SAID HE STOPPED BY A COUPLE DAYS

AGO, AND PORN STAR WASN'T

AROUND.

>> WHO?

>> YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW THIS

CAT?

>> Cynthia: COME ON, DAMN IT,

ANSWER.

IT'S ME. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?

I'M ALMOST HOME. CALL ME.

[ SIREN WAILS ]

OH, MY GOD.

>> TOP STORY TONIGHT IS A TRAGIC

ONE.

MOMENTS AGO, LATE-NIGHT

TALK-SHOW HOST JACK WEST WAS

FOUND DEAD IN THE LIVING ROOM OF

HIS HOLLYWOOD HILLS HOME, THE

VICTIM OF AN APPARENT MURDER.

PARAMEDICS, RESPONDING TO AN

ANONYMOUS 911 CALL, FOUND WEST

LYING ON THE FLOOR WITH THREE

GUNSHOT WOUNDS TO THE CHEST.

TIME OF DEATH IS UNKNOWN, BUT IS

BELIEVED TO BE SHORTLY AFTER THE

CONTROVERSIAL LIVE TAPING OF HIS

TALK SHOW EARLIER THIS EVENING.

NOW ON TO MORE BREAKING NEWS.

[ SIREN WAILS ]

>> FREEZE!

>> PUT YOUR HANDS UP!

>> WHAT THE FUCK?

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

LISTEN, CHILL.

I'M DOUG WADE, ALL RIGHT?

>> SHOCKING TWIST TO AN ALREADY

TRAGIC STORY AS POLICE NOW HAVE

A SUSPECT IN CUSTODY FOR THE

MURDER OF TALK-SHOW HOST

JACK WEST.

THE SUSPECT IS NONE OTHER THAN

L.A. DOGS STAR DOUG WADE.

>> MR. WADE!

>> WADE WAS ARRESTED IN FRONT OF

HIS BEVERLY HILLS MANSION, WHERE

POLICE DISCOVERED A 9mm REVOLVER

UNDER THE DRIVER'S SEAT OF HIS

VEHICLE.

>> AAH, SHIT! AAH!

I KNEW THIS CRACKER DIDN'T KNOW

MIKE!

CALLED YOU MATT AT ONE POINT.

THEN HE SHELLS OUT FOR MY

CHICKEN AND WAFFLES -- EVEN PAID

CASH FOR MY BAIL!

BITCH-ASS DIDN'T EVEN ASK FOR

HIS MONEY BACK!

>> OH, YOU GOT SOME CASH ON YOU,

HUH?

>> Ross: LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

YOU GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT.

>> Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Shh.

I'D SAY YOU GOT ABOUT THREE

SECONDS TO EXPLAIN.

>> Ross: UH, HE'S DEAD.

>> WHAT?

>> WHAT?

>> Ross: PRESTON, HE'S DEAD.

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO.

I MEAN, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

>> YOU BITCH-ASS MOTHERFUCKER, I

WILL KICK YOUR PALE ASS!

>> CHILL OUT, DISCO!

CONTINUE.

>> Ross: I MET HIM ON THE

BOARDWALK.

WE TALKED.

HE INVITED ME UP HERE.

BUT HE STARTED GETTING ON MY

CASE ABOUT BUYING INTO

"REMARKABLE POWER."

>> THAT SELF-HELP PROGRAM?

>> Ross: YES.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT SHIT'S A

SCAM.

>> Ross: I'M AWARE OF THAT,

THANK YOU.

MAY I CONTINUE?

>> BY ALL MEANS.

>> Ross: I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO

DO AFTER THAT, SO I JUST KIND OF

LEFT HIM THERE.

AND THEN I GOT A CALL FROM THIS

CHICK, ELVIRA, WHO WAS SAYING

THAT SHE KNEW WHAT I DID.

EVEN E-MAILED ME PICTURES OF

HIM.

>> OH.

>> Ross: SO, YOU KNOW, I WENT

AND GOT THE COPS AND BROUGHT

THEM BACK HERE.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> Ross: BUT PRESTON WAS GONE.

AND EVERYTHING WAS ALL CLEANED

UP.

SO THEN I REALIZED THAT PRESTON

WAS ACTUALLY GONNA KILL ME,

BECAUSE HE NEEDED THE DEAD BODY.

>> OF COURSE.

>> Ross: AND, WELL, THAT'S ALL I

KNOW.

>> THAT'S ABOUT THE STUPIDEST

STORY I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY

LIFE.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

WELL, TIME'S UP, CHEDDAR HEAD.

NUMBER ONE.

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> NOBODY MOVE!

>> WHAT THE FUCK?!

>> PUT THE GUNS DOWN, NICE AND

EASY.

>> DO WHAT HE SAYS, NOW.

>> WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!

>> REMEMBER US?

>> NO!

>> NOT YOU, HIM.

>> OH.

>> WE DID A LITTLE CHECK ON YOUR

STORY.

TURNS OUT YOUR PAL PRESTON'S

LANDLADY CALLED IN A

DISTURBANCE.

THE PLACE WAS TRASHED, AND THERE

WAS A DIRTY SHOVEL OVER IN THE

CORNER.

OH, AND THERE WAS THIS.

[ BEEP ]

GUESS WHO, PORN STAR?

THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S MOSES.

YOU GOT TILL TOMORROW NIGHT TO

PRODUCE, OR THE BROTHERS ARE

GONNA UNLEASH A LITTLE FIRE AND

BRIMSTONE ON YOUR GENTILE ASS.

YOU HEAR ME?

[ BEEP ]

>> OH, NOW, SEE, THAT WAS

BULLSHIT, OKAY?

CHEEZ WHIZ HERE KILLED PRESTON.

YOU CAN ASK HIM YOURSELF.

>> YOU GOT A BIG FANCY PAD UP IN

THE HILLS, DON'T YOU?

A COUPLE PRICY CARS, A LOT OF

NICE TOYS?

TELL ME, HOW EXACTLY DOES A

KOSHER CHICKEN-AND-WAFFLE

RESTAURANT OWNER AFFORD ALL THAT

EXPENSIVE STUFF?

>> YOU GUYS -- FIRST OFF --

>> LIKE I SAID, PUT THE GUNS

DOWN.

>> OKAY, YOU GOT IT.

>> NO!

>> I'M STANDING IN FRONT OF THE

WEST RESIDENCE, WHERE

JACK WEST'S WIFE, CYNTHIA, HAS

JUST BEEN ARRESTED.

IT APPEARS MRS. WEST MAY BE

CHARGED WITH CONSPIRACY TO

COMMIT MURDER.

>> Athena: HOLY SHIT.

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BELIEVE THIS.

>> THE BODY OF TALK-SHOW HOST

JACK WEST, FOUND DEAD EARLIER

THIS EVENING, HAS MYSTERIOUSLY

DISAPPEARED FROM THE L.A. COUNTY

MORGUE, WHERE IT WAS AWAITING AN

OFFICIAL AUTOPSY.

>> I'M REPORTING LIVE FROM THE

L.A. COUNTY MORGUE, WHERE THE

BODY OF TALK-SHOW HOST JACK WEST

WAS JUST REPORTED MISSING.

MR. WEST'S BODY WAS DISCOVERED

EARLIER THIS EVENING, THE VICTIM

OF AN APPARENT HOMICIDE.

MR. WEST'S WIFE, CYNTHIA WEST,

AND LOS ANGELES DOGS STAR

DOUG WADE ARE CONSIDERED THE

PRIMARY SUSPECTS.

>> * WHEN I DIE AND THEY LAY ME

TO REST *

* GONNA GO TO THE PLACE THAT'S

THE BEST *

* WHEN I LAY ME DOWN TO DIE

* GOING UP TO THE SPIRIT IN THE

SKY *

[ GUNSHOTS ]

>> WADE ATTACKED WEST DURING A

LIVE BROADCAST OF HIS TALK SHOW

AFTER A HOME VIDEO OF WADE AND

CYNTHIA WEST HAVING SEXUAL

INTERCOURSE WAS REVEALED TO A

NATIONAL AUDIENCE.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

STAY TUNED TO ZBS NEWS AS THIS

STORY CONTINUES TO UNFOLD.

>> Jack: THIS IS JACK.

>> SO FAR, SO GOOD.

>> Jack: IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.

>> WE'RE NOT OUT OF THE WOODS

YET.

STILL GOT TO CLOSE THE DEAL.

>> Jack: I HEAR YOU.

>> JUST HANG TIGHT.

>> Jack: YOU THE MAN, BILL.

>> THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

>> * GOING UP TO THE SPIRIT IN

THE SKY *

>> * SPIRIT IN THE SKY

>> * IT'S WHERE I'M GONNA GO

WHEN I DIE *

>> * WHEN I DIE

>> * WHEN I DIE AND THEY LAY ME

TO REST *

* I'M GONNA GO TO THE PLACE

THAT'S THE BEST *

>> [ MOANING ]

GET YOUR BIG, FAT, TUBA ASS OFF

OF ME!

OH, SHIT!

WHAT YOU CATS LAUGHING AT?!

NOW GET THIS BIG NIGGA OFF ME,

MAN!

SHIT!

COME ON, CANDY, HURRY UP!

OH, GOSH.

YOU TOO, MAN.

IT'S YOUR FAULT I'M IN THIS

SHIT!

HELP ME UP, MAN.

>> JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT THINGS

COULDN'T GET ANY STRANGER IN

THIS TOWN.

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

>> * COULD BE WRONG

* I COULD BE RIGHT

* COULD BE WRONG

* I COULD BE RIGHT

* I COULD BE WRONG, I COULD BE

RIGHT *

* I COULD BE BLACK, I COULD BE

WHITE *

* I COULD BE RIGHT, I COULD BE

WRONG *

* I COULD BE BLACK, I COULD BE

WHITE *

* YOUR TIME HAS COME, YOUR

SECOND SKIN *

>> IN AN ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE

TURN OF EVENTS, THE MISSING BODY

OF MURDERED TALK-SHOW HOST

JACK WEST HAS BEEN FOUND ALIVE.

THE DETAILS ARE STILL UNCLEAR,

BUT IT'S BEING REPORTED THAT HE

WAS FOUND JUST HOURS AGO,

WANDERING IN THE DESERT, TIRED,

THIRSTY, AND COMPLETELY

DISORIENTED.

SOME ARE CALLING IT THE MIRACLE

OF THE CENTURY.

OTHERS AREN'T SURE WHAT TO MAKE

OF IT.

ONE THING IS FOR CERTAIN,

THOUGH -- ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

IN THE CITY OF ANGELS.

>> * MAY THE ROAD RISE WITH

YOU *

* MAY THE ROAD RISE WITH YOU

* MAY THE ROAD RISE WITH YOU

* MAY THE ROAD RISE WITH YOU

* COULD BE WRONG

* I COULD BE RIGHT

* COULD BE WRONG

* I COULD BE RIGHT

* COULD BE WRONG

* THEY PUT A HOT WIRE TO MY

HEAD *

* 'CAUSE OF THE THINGS I DID AND

SAID *

* THEY MADE THESE FEELINGS GO

AWAY *

* A MODEL CITIZEN IN EVERY WAY

* YOUR TIME HAS COME, YOUR

SECOND SKIN *

* THE COST SO HIGH, THE GAIN SO

LOW *

* MAY THE ROAD RISE WITH YOU

* MAY THE ROAD RISE WITH YOU

* MAY THE ROAD RISE WITH YOU

>> Ross: EVERYONE TOLD ME THAT

THE "REMARKABLE POWER" PROGRAM

WAS A SCAM, BUT WITHIN 24 HOURS

OF PURCHASING THE TAPE SERIES, I

WENT FROM BEING FLAT BROKE TO

SCORING $10,000 CASH!

AND THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS.

NOW, HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE, YOU

ASK?

>> ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS FOLLOW

J.P. ZAHN'S SIMPLE STEP-BY-STEP

INSTRUCTIONS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Both: IT'S THAT EASY!

>> Announcer: START LIVING THE

LIFE OF YOUR DREAMS TODAY.

>> * SLOW DIVE ON CHEMICAL

HILL *

* SLOW DOWN, YOU'RE MAKING ME

REAL *

* SILVER AND '79

* SHIFTER AND PLANETS ALIGN

* SILVER SHIFTER, SHIFT IT OUT

* GLIDER, GLIDER DIVING DOWN

* I WILL RIDE, AND YOU WILL

FIND *

* THE MOON WILL GLOW MOONLIGHT

* ON THE SILVER SHIFTER

* SEVEN IS NEVER ENOUGH

* SLIDE HER INTO THE STUFF

* SLOW GUN AND COLORFUL FLAGS

* SHIFT HER INTO THE SWAG

* SILVER SHIFTER, SHIFT IT OUT

* GLIDER, GLIDER TOUCHING DOWN

* I WILL GO, AND YOU WILL SHOW

* THE MOON WILL GLOW MOONLIGHT

* ON THE SILVER SHIFTER, SILVER

SHIFTER *

* SOFTER DOWN FOR THE COUNTS

* LOVE COMES IN EVERY OUNCE

* SILVER IS UP ON APPEAL

* SHIFTER IS MAKING ME REAL

* SILVER SHIFTER, SHIFT IT OUT

* GLIDER IS TIGHTER, TOUCHING

DOWN *

* I WILL CLIMB, AND YOU WILL

FIND *

* THE MOON WILL SHINE

MOONLIGHT *

* ON THE SILVER SHIFTER, SILVER

SHIFTER *

>> J.P.: NEVER LET OTHER

PEOPLE'S DOUBTS INTERFERE WITH

YOUR PATH TO SUCCESS!

SORRY, I FUCKED IT UP.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]