Original subtitles

MUSIC: Merry Xmas Everybody by Slade

# Are you hanging up your stocking on your wall?

# It's the time when every Santa has a ball

# Does he ride a red-nosed reindeer?

# Does a ton-up on his sleigh?

# Do the fairies keep him sober for a day?

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun It's Christmas!

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun... #

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello, darling.

I just dropped off the last of my Christmas cards.

Thought I'd swing by to confirm you're still OK to do

the bread sauce - because that time your dad tried to make it,

well, it was like glue.

Oh, hello, Ralph.

I like your hat.

Thank you. And I thought, Ralph, since this is your first Christmas

with the family, you might like to do the pigs in blankets,

the crowd-pleaser?

Only I've already bought the pigs, and the blankets,

so it's just squishing them in together, really.

We'll sort it. Thanks, Mum. Great.

Right, I'll be off then.

I'm just so excited for us all to be together on the big day.

What's she on about?

We're not going there for Christmas.

Yes, we are. It's all arranged.

But I told my mum that we're going to hers for Christmas.

It's all been arranged.

OK, so you said you'd go to Katie's parents?

We didn't.

And you were going to talk to your mum? I never said that.

Right, so there's been a miscommunication.

The main thing is, what do you want to do now?

We should go to my mum and dad's.

They've had a tough time.

They need me. That's a good point.

I can't leave my mum all alone.

Also a good point.

But couldn't Louise go with you to Katie's parents'?

She wouldn't have that.

No, he's right. She insists on being at home at Christmas.

I mentioned Lapland might be nice for a change

and she looked at me like I'd shat in Santa's Grotto.

It's OK.

We'll go to your parents. I will talk to my mum.

Aww, you two.

I wish I could bottle you.

I don't mean, like, physically. I mean, you know,

you're so lovely together.

Couple goals.

What about you?

Eh?

Who are you spending Christmas with? Me nan.

What about Tom?

Well, ah... I guess he'll be at home with his folks.

Have you not asked him?

It's just what you do, innit?

When are you going to talk to Louise?

You must've read my mind. These blooming things,

every year. I thought they'd look nice around the window.

Here. It's good you popped round.

I wanted to go through the plans for Christmas. Right.

Is Katie still all right to sort the mince pies?

Thought I'd come over tomorrow and get them. Mum...

Then I'll do a final shop, so if there's anything

that you want me to get... How's that happened?

Mum, can I...? Do you remember that Christmas we had the power cut?

I spent all that time peeling spuds,

only for the oven to go off halfway through.

We had no hot water, no telly.

Just you and me wrapped in blankets, playing cards and eating beans.

Cold beans.

Do you know, Ralph,

I think that's the best Christmas dinner I've ever had.

Just you and me.

And of course it'll be lovely to have Katie over this year.

The three of us.

My new family.

Blimey.

I could come over all emotional, if I had a heart!

I'm just really looking forward to it.

Anyway, was there something you wanted,

or did you just come round to rescue your mum?

I'm just saying hello.

Right, then. I'll get the kettle on.

Unless you fancy cold beans.

I'm sorry. I couldn't tell her.

It's OK.

I don't want to let my mum down.

You won't.

We will talk to her together tomorrow.

Parents are weird.

Christmas is weird.

BIRDS CHIRP

DOORBELL RINGS

KATIE GROANS

# Ding dong, merrily on high!

# In heav'n the bells are ringing

# Ding dong, verily the sky

# Is riv'n with angels singing

# Glo... #

Come on, lazy bones. We need you to shake a tin in the town square.

Get yourself dressed. # ..o-oria, hosanna... #

My mum needs me to get dressed.

We'll talk to her later

about Christmas.

Yep.

# Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o O-o-o-o-o-o-o... #

Oh, it's lovely, isn't it, Christmas Eve?

It was always your favourite.

The shopping, the carols, the carrot for the reindeer.

It's nice for a lie-in.

I was thinking, do you and Katie want to stop over tonight,

and then we can do presents first thing?

I've got chocolate croissants.

Come back to ours after this.

We'll talk about it.

Oh, OK.

Right, ladies and gentlemen, shall we get going?

# La... #

How did she take the news about Christmas Day?

She doesn't know. It's not the right time.

Well, don't hang about. Bandits at three o'clock.

# ..cattle shed

# Where a mother laid her baby

# In a manger... #

All right, Ralph?

Lovely morning for it.

I need you to shake this over there.

Right, but I've not quite... finished me shopping.

It's for charity.

Right.

# He came down to Earth from heaven

# Who is God and Lord of all CAMERA SHUTTER

# And His shelter was a stable

# And His cradle was a stall... #

KATIE: Morning, Brian.

Morning.

Can't let our feathered friends go hungry this time of year.

Excited for Christmas?

I'm going to me sister's.

She slathers everything in goose fat.

She doesn't seem to understand I'm half a buttered crumpet away

from a lifetime on statins.

Where will you two be spending tomorrow?

Good question.

Mum wants us there.

Oh. And Ralph's mum?

Wants us there. That's Christmas for you, I'm afraid.

A magical time of year where we celebrate

the birth of our saviour with a family argument

and an extra dollop of emotional blackmail.

You know where I am, in case of emergencies.

Thanks for the Christmas cake, by the way.

I'm allergic to marzipan, but I will make the best of it.

DOORBELL RINGS

KATIE SIGHS

Nice one, though.

I'll make good use of these. See ya.

Yuletide cappuccino.

I like the antlers, by the way. Thanks. I got a bit carried away.

I mean it. You look like a hot Rudolph.

Cheers.

If this is what you're like in the build-up I can't wait to see you

on the day itself. I think I've peaked, to be honest.

It'll be quieter tomorrow. Nan'll be cooking,

and she likes us to watch Strictly together.

I could get on board with that. I love a bit of ballroom.

Oh, right.

That was me inviting myself to yours, by the way.

Oh! Really? I mean, it's not...

We don't...really do anything. We're really dull,

and Nan'll probably nod off, so... Fine with me.

Well, it's...

It's probably a bit early for meeting the family.

Is it? Isn't it?

Oh. OK.

No, no, I didn't mean it... Like, y'know, it's just,

it's Christmas, you know? Turkey and that.

I mean, who even likes turkey?

I mean, it's all a big pressure, b-but maybe we could...

No. You're...

..probably right. Too soon.

I'll see you on the other side, then. Happy Christmas.

I bought Clare an egg poacher.

The Egg Poacher Supreme.

The sales guy said it's a big hit with the ladies.

Does she like eggs? I'll just say hello to your mum.

She's busy.

Thanks for volunteering, Steve.

Ralph didn't give me much choice.

You all set for the big day?

Oh, you know Clare. Everything has to be perfect.

Especially this year, with our guests of honour.

Who are they, then? What? Your guests of honour?

Well, Ralph here, and Katie.

Oh, not like that.

Maybe if you use another jelly sweet.

DOOR OPENS

Nothing more Christmassy than our gingerbread house.

Hi, Louise.

Hello.

Everything all right?

Well, it's funny you should ask that, Clare,

because there seems to have been a bit of a mix-up. Mix-up?

With tomorrow. Louise thought the kids were going to her.

But it's all arranged. They're coming to us for Christmas Day.

Well, that's just it, you see, because I don't seem to have

a note about that in my calendar, which is a bit strange,

wouldn't you say? Mum...

You're right. It's very strange.

The thing is, I've already pre-ordered the turkey.

It's a corn-fed Norfolk bronze. Organic.

How lovely. Ralph doesn't usually eat turkey,

but I'm sure he'll make do. We always have goose. Mum!

Well, goose can be a bit fatty, can't it?

I assure you I've thought of everything.

Been planning this for months. And you did have 'em at Easter...

So we're not counting your summer barbecue, then?

You were invited. Or your little shindig on Bonfire Night?

Well, now you're just splitting hairs. Mum!

TIMER BUZZES I've got it.

Christmas. Who'd have it?

You and Clare, apparently. Ow! CRASH

I'm fine. Everything's fine.

Look, I know you're closed,

but I need a coffee and somewhere to hide.

Why? What's going on? It... It's Christmas.

Christmas is what's going on.

Danny.

DANNY SIGHS

I managed to ruin things with Tom.

You know, I just didn't expect him to ask me directly

about Christmas Day.

That must have been a surprise,

what with it being Christmas Eve and everything.

Yeah, I panicked, all right? I thought you liked him.

I do, and you know, that's why I want it to be just us for now,

you know, getting to know each other,

without any of the other...stuff.

Is it such a disaster that he wants to spend time with you?

No. But I just think it's a bit soon for him

to be coming round to me nan's and her, you know,

getting the photo albums out.

That's what you're scared of, is it,

that she'll show him baby photos of you in the bath?

Or is it that you think the more he learns about you

the less he'll like you?

Look, you know me,

and I'll always tell you the truth. But I think...

Yeah, but you're a hopeless romantic.

Eh, less of the hopeless, thank you.

Fine, I'm a romantic,

but I'm also a businesswoman now.

And I know a good thing when I see it.

Trust me.

I'm sure the more Tom sees of you, the more he will like you.

You're lovely.

You're being kind.

Do you wanna stick around for a bit,

help me Emma-fy this place?

Nah, I should be going.

Thanks for the coffee.

TAPPING

I'm sure we can come to an arrangement about tomorrow.

Perhaps.

We could join forces.

How about you all come over to my place? More the merrier.

Job done. That hand'll be no good for cooking,

and, well, goose might be a nice change.

Fatty goose. Lovely.

I'll still be doing my famous bread sauce.

Right, then. That's settled.

I thought you liked my turkey. Shall we say 12 o'clock?

Steve, pass me the clipboard.

DISTANT: Now, what are your thoughts on the hors d'oeuvres?

I'm a vol-au-vent traditionalist myself.

So that's decided.

Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everyone by Shakin' Stevens

# Snow is falling

# All around me

# Children playing

# Having fun

# It's the season

# Love and understanding... #

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Emma.

EMMA GASPS I love it!

LAUGHTER Oh...

You're the boss now. I know.

My very own baking empire.

I feel like Mary Berry.

Aww, this is perfect.

Tom got me an apron too,

but it's a bit cheeky to wear in front of the customers.

It's a shame that Tom's not here.

Erm, that one's...

That one's from me.

Hmm. Football-themed bathing accessories.

The ultimate festive gift.

Cheers, Danny.

Right, let's leave these lovebirds to it. Yes.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, guys.

BOTH: Merry Christmas!

It's not too late to sort things out, you know.

You just... You need to explain.

If I call him now, he'll just think it's cos I'm lonely at Christmas.

But you are lonely at Christmas.

Honestly, if you carry on like this, you'll end up like Brian.

Just talk to Tom.

Brian's got some good qualities.

I've got to go.

Nan'll be on the Baileys by now, so...

Happy Christmas, mate.

Oh... Thank you.

Mm...

You brought your turkey, then? Just in case.

I insisted. Clare makes the best turkey on the planet.

I could eat this stuff all day.

You know, I am blessed.

Truly, truly...blessed.

Wine?

Yes, please.

Are Ralph and Katie on their way?

I'm sure they'll be here any minute.

MARIACHI-STYLE MUSIC

Best. Christmas. Ever.

It smells a bit...cheesy.

That'll be the Roquefort.

Blimey. I hope everyone's hungry.

PHONE ALERTS Oh...

Aww.

They're not coming?

Doing things their own way.

I suppose we did rather bulldoze them.

MUSIC: Lonely This Christmas by Mud

Well...

..more food for us, I suppose.

Come on, Steve. We've got a lot of these to get through.

# It'll be lonely this Christmas... #

CRACKER POPS

CHEERING ON TV

# Every single year on Christmas Day

# We've got these old traditions and they never change

# Mom is worried that the turkey's up in flames

# And Uncle Bobby's stuck on the motorway

# Everybody smells like cheap cologne

# Got a full house... #

BRIAN ARGUING IN BACKGROUND

# Enough to make Santa insane

# We sleep and we wake up We fight and we make up... #

RINGING

# I guess I kinda like it this way... #

Do you think you could get away for a bit?

Yeah. Why? I could use a break from my folks.

See you in the town square? Great.

Brian's having a bad day.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Please.

Nice place you've got here.

Really nice.

I know.

Thank you.

Thanks for having me.

I was supposed to be at me sister's by now,

but I said her sprouts were unconventional.

So I've been banned.

Have you eaten?

We've got pizza.

And beer.

Oh...

Thank you.

So then I said that they WERE misshapen and different sizes,

and I could only paint what I saw.

And they didn't like that.

So that was the end for me and life drawing, I'm afraid.

Have you finished your tea, Brian? That's my cue.

So it appears you got the Christmas you wanted in the end, Katie.

And it turns out I did too, thanks to you two.

You know, it's no secret - when you first moved in here,

I didn't know what to expect.

Let's just say it wasn't this.

Now, I really should be leaving you to it.

I'm sure you've got lots of nice gifts to dig into.

Merry Christmas.

Ey, that's very generous.

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh!

Well, I'm not usually one for football,

but I do love a statement waterfowl.

Merry Christmas, Brian.

I'll think of you, Ralph,

every time I perform my ablutions.

Thank you.

Cheerio!

Merry Christmas.

You're not Emma.

Sorry to disappoint. No, please, I...

It's great to see you.

Even if you don't want to see me.

Emma's doing?

I told her I thought I'd messed things up.

Full marks for self-awareness. Have I?

Have I messed things up?

You're lucky I'm a sucker for pie.

I got all in my head, and...

And I didn't know what you'd expect from Christmas,

and, you know, I'm not good at all the boyfriend stuff.

Boyfriend stuff? You know, cards, presents, parents, gestures.

I never know what's too much and what's not enough.

So I tend to underplay things and...

And that comes over as indifferent.

Cold and hostile, even. Really?

Shit.

Well, thank goodness for Emma and her emotional pastries, eh?

I thought you'd gone off me. No, no, I...

I really like you. I just...

I panicked when I thought about you coming to mine,

seeing a different side to me. I...

..didn't want to put you off, when you're so...

What, confident?

You think this comes naturally?

Bundle of nerves, darling.

We can work it out together.

That's part of being with someone.

I want to be with you.

Me too. Really?

Really.

And what if I were to call you Tommy?

Then it would definitely be over. DANNY LAUGHS

Fun fact.

Reindeers have four stomachs.

They use them for storage,

so they bring undigested food back up

to be chewed again when needed.

Like leftovers.

Anyone for seconds?

Oh, no, thank you.

That goose was nice, though.

Why did Santa have to go to hospital?

Because of his poor 'elf. That has been in every year.

Why did the pink...? More wine? Absolutely, yes.

Surprise! LOUISE SHRIEKS

Come here, you!

Oh, Happy Christmas! Oh!

Ah!

# Jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell rock

# Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring

# Snowin' and blowin' up bushels of fun

# Now the jingle hop has begun

# Jingle bell... # Two words.

Er... It's a film. Film, yeah?

# Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time

# Dancin' and prancin' in Jingle Bell Square

# In the frosty air

# What a bright time... # Reindeer?

LAUGHTER # It's the right time

# To rock the night away

# Jingle bell time is a swell time... #

THEY LAUGH Happy Christmas.

# ..in a one-horse sleigh

# Giddy-up, jingle horse Pick up your feet... #

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, darling.

Ralph, Katie? What are you doing for New Year's?

# That's the jingle bell rock

# Jing, jing, jingle bell Jingle bell rock

# Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time

# Dancin' and prancin' in Jingle Bell Square

# In the frosty air

# What a bright time

# It's the right time

# We're gonna rock your night away

# Jingle bell time is a swell time

# To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh

# Yeah, giddy-up, Jingle Horse

# Pick up those feet

# Jingle around the clock

# Mix and mingle and a jinglin' beat

# That's the jingle bell

# That's the jingle bell

# That's the jingle bell rock. #