Original subtitles

Now, give me a blue filler on number one.

Good.

And let's try a magenta on number two.

You've missed these lights at every performance.

Now, let's try it again and see if we can get it right.

It comes on the fourth beat.

Ready, Harry, pick up.

Okay, boys, that's better.

Hey, Putnam, stop eating.

Okay, girls, twelve o'clock curtain.

I want you back here at 10:45 on the dot.

- 10:45? - On the dot.

Hmm, big deal.

I’m gonna be late, Belvah.

Maggie, you shouldn't mix it up with that Loomis joker,

you know, he can make trouble.

Uh, I hate bossy people.

Well, you don't hate a $125 a week, do ya,

you're not that wacky.

Well, I must be.

I was making $140 a week at the Lame Canary.

I blew that job in one hour flat.

That stage manager, he's right out of Mutiny on the Bounty.

Domineering bully.

Well, there's no sense fighting him.

Give a little, get a little, that's my theory.

Where do you want to eat dinner?

Oh, I’m skipping it.

Tonight I’m a volunteer charity worker

at the Fresh Air Fund Ball.

Charity... what's the angle?

Hm, the guest list includes every millionaire

in New York City with a conscience.

And that's the best kind of millionaire.

What are you doing?

I told you, I’m going to the ball.

In that dress?

Are you crazy?

Janey got fired for doing that.

Yeah, well, Janey got caught.

Suppose ol' Loomis catches you?

Well, let's suppose something nicer.

Let's suppose I’m at the ball in my beautiful gown,

Mr. Loomis' beautiful gown,

and along comes a distinguished, handsome society gentleman

and he sees me and he stops, looks,

oh, and the blood pounds to his temples.

High blood pressure, huh?

Oh, I’ve got to get out of here.

Well, it might sound corny, but honestly,

money does not buy happiness.

Huh, well, in the immortal words of Joey Lewis,

you just give me the money, baby, I’ll do my own shopping.

- Wish me luck. - You're gonna need it.

See you later.

We'll see you in the unemployment office.

Oh, now be fair, Mildred.

Did I ever steer you wrong on a blind date yet?

No.

No, I don't remember any fat one that chewed tobacco.

Somebody else must have gotten you that one.

She's worth the trouble, honest, she's worth it.

Because he just flew in from two years in Iceland.

You better get in on the ground floor, kid,

because in three days this guy is going to have a stable.

Bald... no.

I don't know, about six feet.

Well, they're green.

Look, Mildred, if you're going to beat around...

Okay, she says okay, but if you're a jerk she's got to be in by 10:00.

Tell her thanks just the same.

Wow.

- Do you know her? - Not yet.

Wow, that's class.

Uh, see you at the base, buddy.

You're a neat negotiator, Mildred.

You just blew the date.

How much?

Hundred dollars, sergeant.

Ah, I see.

Excuse me.

Oh, Mrs. Chalmers, I’m Maggie Putnam.

I’m sorry I’m late, I was detained.

Oh never mind that, dear.

I’m just so glad you're here.

I have a booth down here with no one in it.

Oh good.

Oh, well.

Isn't that a lovely thing?

Contributed by Mr. James Dulac of Newport.

You mean, he... he gave it away?

For the cause of charity.

They say this is the most expensive car ever built.

Er, experimental model, of course.

Oh, well, is Mr. Dulac going to be here tonight?

Mr. and Mrs. Dulac, both.

Oh, he's married.

Yes, dear.

- Now then, in you go. - All right.

And here's your change box and your ticket books.

Oh, by the way, be sure each name and address

is on the ticket stub.

The winner will be announced Saturday.

- Good luck. - Thank you.

Hey, soldier, get down.

Thank you, gentlemen.

In the name of Sweet Charity, I earnestly hope you win,

both of you.

Good evening.

Good evening, such a pleasant...

How many?

Well, I’ll take one.

Splendid, fill out the stub.

All right.

Hey, if I stick around,

how about having a drink with me later, huh?

No, thank you.

I’m not interested in soldiers.

Sailors?

Nope.

All right, well, what would I have to be

to have you interested in me?

Somebody important.

Ten dollars, please.

For one ticket?

They come by the book.

Well, I know they do, but you can tear them out

real simple, see?

All right, may I have a dollar, please?

It is a charity affair, isn't it?

Obviously.

All right, then obviously you're interested in money,

so how much would it cost for one hour of your time?

A million dollars.

I’ll give you five bucks cash.

Don't bother, I’m busy.

How about six?

You know, you're not even faintly amusing.

Now, please go away.

This is a very important evening for me, please.

- Oh, good evening, sir. - Good evening.

Do you wish to purchase some chances

on that utterly delectable automobile?

Why, yes, I do.

Oh, that's charming.

Name and address on this stub, please.

All right.

And I sincerely hope you win.

Oh, it would make a delightful possession.

And I rather think it suits your personality.

- You really think so? - Uh-huh.

Well, thank you very much.

Um, it's so encouraging the way you wealthy men

turn out for these charity events.

I mean, it gives one faith in our culture, as it were.

Alvin Ashley, now, that name seems familiar.

Oh, I, uh, make the papers now and then.

Oh.

You're a very pretty girl.

Well, that's very kind.

Sutton Place, oh, that's a charming neighborhood.

Oh, and the view of the river, it's so serene and peaceful.

Oh, man.

Would you leave me alone, pest?

I… I beg your pardon?

Oh, um, I was just saying that the air from the river

is the best.

It's so clean and invigorating.

Well, uh, perhaps you'd come over and

help me enjoy it later tonight?

Well, that would hardly be proper.

Oh, I know, but there's no fun in being proper.

It's very dull.

Oh, yes, that's true,

but a girl must think of appearances, Mr. Ashley.

Alvin.

Oh, I’m Maggie.

Maggie, I have a feeling that you and I…

Alvin, I have a feeling

that you're heading for all kinds of trouble.

Well, what are you talking about?

- Listen, would you... - Excuse me.

Let me talk to you for a minute, will ya?

Would you excuse us, please?

Just a moment.

Mr. Ashley, he's a kook.

What did you say… What did you say to him?

Never mind, you're going to thank me for

this in years to come.

Well, first, I’m going to have you thrown out.

I like a girl with temper, it shows her battery isn't dead.

Well, I’ll dead you.

I’m sorry, look, I’m very sorry,

but after all, a guy like that Alvin is...

uh, you know, if you're smart,

you'll be gone by time I get back with a cop.

Oh!

Oh, that's a shame.

Oh, I’ll be fired.

Nobody will know about it if you stay in the booth

till the party's over.

Oh be quiet, I don't mean this place.

I mean the Golden Key Cafe where I work.

Well, why should they care if you tore your dress?

- It's their dress. - Oh.

- I’ve got to get out of here. - Well, wait, not like that

unless you want half the party following you out of here.

Well, what do I do?

No problem.

Forward march.

Could you give these to Mrs. Chalmers, please?

- Hey. - What?

The taxi entrance is down there.

Well, I have to change my dress first.

- You mean right here? - No, there.

Leaving awful early aren't you, sergeant?

Yeah, well…

What happened to your girlfriend's dress?

I tore it.

Ooh, I like a man who knows what he wants.

You do, huh?

All right then, tell me something.

I’d love to.

Uh, supposing you were going to a party,

you know, one like this one here, for example.

Now, can you tell me any reason

why a girl would bring along with her two dresses?

Man, that's a new one.

You got me.

That's what I was thinking.

Man, she's a very interesting girl.

- Uh, here I am. - So you are.

For a minute, I was afraid I might have lost you.

Cab, please.

Say, how about you and me going some place

where we can have some privacy, hm?

Tell me something,

what does it take to convince you you're not wanted?

A gun?

Hey, now, just a minute.

You get yourself all fixed up.

You borrow a pretty dress.

And what for?

To attract a man, right?

And, okay, so you attracted one.

I’m sorry if I’m not what you wanted.

I’m sorry I’m not the king of Europe.

Now, you don't have that much to beef about.

Okay, I’m sorry.

Here, I’ll pay for the damage to your dress.

Good night.

Golden Key Cafe, please.

Okay, Cinderella, you get one more chance.

Cab!

And all I want you to do is get out of here.

It'll only take a minute.

No, you can't go to the girls' dressing room,

and that's all there’s to it.

I’ve got a delivery to make.

If you've got a delivery to make, leave it with me.

Hi, soldier, how's your wild blue yonder?

Honey, would you mind asking this man if...

I’ve got the number to military police right by my phone.

Now, do you want me to call 'em?

- No, forget it, it’s all right. - Tough luck, man.

Yeah.

Oh, I don't know where I could have lost it.

Nothing here matches.

Well, I can't fix it without the material.

Oh, couldn't you just put the sides together like a sheet?

Mr. Loomis wouldn't notice, would he, huh?

What do you want me to say, no?

All right, no, he wouldn't notice.

Not a chance.

It's him, he's got it.

Oh, thank heavens.

- I’ve decided to forgive you. - Forgive me?

Now, listen, fella, I didn't have anything to do with it...

Wait a minute. Now, wait, wait, please.

Any discussion we have will have to take place after the show.

No it won't, now, will you give it to me please?

Are you going to see me later on?

Now, just hand it over, please.

Look, why don't you promise me a date and then break it.

That's the easy way out.

‘Cause I don't break promises.

That is the first decent thing you've said to me.

- Here. - Oh, thank you.

Now, you better get out of here.

- Hey, wait a minute. - Put it on my back.

- Hey, wait a minute. - What, what?

What do you mean what, what about our date?

- Oh, you're a bore. - All right, so I’m a bore.

Maybe I’ll find out you're a bore.

We've got to give it a chance, don't we?

Come on, huh?

Aw, one date.

One date, okay. Tonight?

Tomorrow.

All right, where will I pick you up?

I’ll meet you.

All right, The Rat Trap, third and tenth.

Rat Trap, oh, all right, seven o'clock.

Six o'clock.

All right, six o'clock.

Right, we've got a date... Don't be alarmed, ladies,

I’m giving this building the full approval

of the fire department.

That's your safety seal.

Good night all.

Oh brother.

Room for one more, honey?

Yes, why... why don't you take the whole place, huh?

Uh, excuse me, goodbye, boys.

Oh, I’ve been waiting 45 minutes for you.

I ought to have my head examined.

Sorry, I couldn't help it.

Can I have a couple of martinis, please?

Is that all right?

Whatever you want.

Here's a place over here.

Will you send them to the booth?

Thanks.

I’m surprised you waited for me.

Yeah, me too, just plain vanity.

I couldn't believe I’d been stood up.

Yeah, we got our orders.

We're shipping out.

Why, has war started?

Oh no, it's a new tour of duty.

We're going to Spain.

When do you have to go, do we have time to eat?

Oh yeah, well, we've got 48 hours.

Oh, that's plenty of time to eat.

Do we have to eat here?

The food’s fine.

Of course, it isn't anything like Sutton Place.

Say, what did you say to Alvin?

I told him you had a husband.

I had a... oh. You are a character.

He scared awful easy.

I don't know.

Hey, by the way, I assume you're a bachelor?

Devout.

Hm, what's your excuse?

Well, let's see.

I think it's just because

I keep falling in love with girls that I don't like.

Well, we finally agree on something.

Right.

Falling in love is no reason to get married, right?

Right.

What?

I beg your… what was that you said?

Oh, you agree with me.

You just think it sounds bad to admit it.

Wait a minute, you've lost me along here some place.

Thanks, admit what?

Well, that... that things are more important than people.

Oh, no, no, no.

I wouldn't go along with that, mm-mm.

Oh, oh, but it's true.

You see, you can trust things, whatever they are,

furs, clothes, jewelry, groceries, houses…

Whatever they are, they don't change.

See, they don't wake up in the morning and say,

Oh, yesterday I was a shoe, but today I’m going to be a bicycle.

- Like people do. - Oh, I see.

Well, if I was a shoe, why shouldn't I want

to be a bicycle?

Because maybe tomorrow you want to be an elevator.

Uh-huh.

Man, this is the craziest conversation we're having.

No, now, that's because you're not a girl.

You see, if you were a girl,

you'd be looking for a beautiful set of things to marry.

And you really wouldn't care what kind of a man

went with them.

You know, I’m beginning to think you really believe that.

What's the matter,

weren't you able to find a rich man to latch onto, huh?

Oh-oh, yes, I did once.

Hobard Vite.

Yeah, he didn't have enough, uh, enough things.

Oh no, yes, yes he did.

He was a millionaire, he still is.

But he didn't want to marry you.

Y’know, he did, he did.

I wanted to marry him too,

It's just that… it was just... well…

Just what, what? Come on, you can tell me.

It just… It wouldn't have been fair to Hobard.

There, you see what I’m talking about?

Your argument's just gone right out the window.

Now, that isn't true.

You weren't in love.

You weren't in love with him, that's all.

That's not true. I didn't say that.

- Yes, it is. - No, it isn't true.

I mean, it was just something that just happened and it wasn’t…

well, it was just...

You see, you really want to know?

Well, I couldn't marry him

because Hobard used to make sort of a honking sound

when he ate.

Really, it was...

You never heard anything like this until you hear it.

Where're you going, huh?

What are you doing?

I want to find out something.

Yeah, wh-wh-what is it?

It's all right, now, just relax, hold still.

You know, what are you...

This is nothing but research.

-Now, now, now… -Nothing but pure research.

Man, I sure found out.

Well, you're certainly not going to be a bore.

You know, you're… you'll probably turn out to be

charming and interesting and all kinds of fun

and I’ll probably fall for you.

Darn it! It's just my lousy luck.

Uh, it's morning already?

I’ve got 45 minutes to get dressed

and check in at the airport.

- Oh, Joe. - Hm?

Oh, oh, Joe.

Do you mean I’m really not going to see you for thirty days?

Mm-hmm.

I’m going to miss you every minute of it, baby,

every minute.

What kind or an army do you belong to

that keeps a wife away from her husband that long?

Regulations.

Now, listen, when you get ready to leave for Spain...

- Mm-hmm. - You call the base.

You call extension 457 and you talk to them.

-Can you remember 457? -Right.

They'll tell you what to do.

They'll tell you what to do and they'll help you about...

you know, show you how to get the allotment and everything.

Mm-hmm.

And you ship the car just as quick as you can, huh, Maggie?

Air Force will pay for that.

And don't change your address unless you notify them

because I’ve had all my mail forwarded to your place.

Oh, what am I going to do with the letters?

Oh, just read 'em.

Send anything interesting on to me, though.

And what if there are any from girls, hm?

Burn 'em.

Joe?

Maggie.

Oh, couldn't you desert or resign or

do something manly about it, hmm?

Yes?

Pardon me, does Mr. Joe Fitzpatrick live here?

Yes, he does, but he isn't here.

Oh, could you tell me where I can contact him?

Well, you can't.

He left the country this morning.

That's too bad.

I wanted to give him the prize he won.

- Prize? - Mm-hmm.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

Won't you come in? I’m Mrs. Fitzpatrick.

Oh, well, fine, then I can deliver the prize to you.

Yes.

If you'll let me have a dollar, please.

All right.

Now, just a minute, if this is for a year's free trial

of an automatic shoe polisher, I don't want it.

Come here.

Does that look like a shoe polisher?

The dollar is for the transfer fee.

He won it!

He won it!

Oh!

Oh, it's ours! It's ours!

Oh, it's the most beautiful car in the world.

Oh, it's really mine!

Oh, you lovely creature.

Oh, it's magic!

Oh, oh, I was meant for beautiful things.

I really was.

General Order 175, effective 5/21.

All military personnel will wear civilian clothes when off duty.

General Order 176, effective immediately.

The sale of post exchange merchandise

is expressly forbidden.

This order applies equally to any merchandise imported

from the United States.

Profiteering in such merchandise is an offense that will receive

the sternest discipline.

By order of the commanding general.

It's my duty to remind you,

we're here as friends of the Spanish government.

We must remain welcome friends.

We must learn local customs and observe them scrupulously.

In particular, avoid a vulgar display of wealth.

All right, you're not wealthy.

Don't behave like so-called rich Americans.

Be guided accordingly.

Attention!

Dismissed.

You know, eating lunch in the flea market

is like eating in the subway.

But Jose says it's the best food in Madrid.

Hey, Charlie, you're a married man.

Well, don't rub it in.

What do you make of this?

“Oh, Joe, I have the most wonderful surprise for you.

"it's too good to put in a letter,

"so you'll have to wait until I get there.

"it's the sort of thing you always knew might happen,

"but when it does, you just can't believe it."

Uh-oh.

Wait a minute, there's more.

“I’m not going to say any more now, but honestly, Joe,

"it's the most wonderful surprise

that ever happened to two people."

Congratulations, you're going to have a baby.

That's my conclusion.

The most wonderful thing that ever happened to two people.

Outside of an income tax refund, I don't know

what else it could be.

Hey, sourball, don't you want to have a baby?

Oh yes, I want to have a baby.

I’m just a little mixed up about something, that's all.

Um, a brandy?

Make it a double.

That's what I’d mean if I wrote it.

Excuse me, Joe.

Hiya, daddy.

This is my first marriage, Sally.

- Oh sure, I know. - Well, then you understand.

Well, it's clear so far.

No, no, thanks.

Now, I’ve been around quite a lot, Sally, after all,

but there are some things

that only a woman would understand.

Like the cost of running a house, things like that?

No... yes, that too.

But, how long does it take…

what I’m trying to say...

Oh, I see what you mean.

Well, how long have you known Maggie?

Well, I met her, it was on the tenth.

And we were married on the eleventh.

Well, when was this mailed?

Uh, the twelfth.

And what was your question again?

Well, isn't that a little soon for

a woman to know she's going to have a baby?

A little.

You might even call it sudden.

Oh, she must mean some other kind of surprise.

Hm, couldn't be any bigger surprise than that.

You sure you don't want a beer?

No, I’m going back to my apartment.

That's the material.

There should be three cases on that plane.

Oh, pardon me. Excuse me.

Could you tell me how to go about phoning

the American air base?

Why, yes, there's a telephone in that building.

228-391.

Thank you, my husband's in the Air Force.

It seems he forgot to meet me.

Young lady!

Just a moment.

Your slacks, ma'am.

You can't wear them in Madrid.

I can't? Why not?

The general doesn't like them.

Well, tell the general not to wear them.

Myself, I’ll wear what I please.

What's your name, young lady?

None of your business!

Oh, Joe!

Joe!

Maggie.

Sorry I was late, I was help up in traffic.

Sergeant... sergeant!

Yes, sir?

- Is this your wife? - Yes, sir.

- Your name, please? - Don't tell him.

He's rude, he's rude.

Honey, that's a major.

Uh, sergeant Joe Fitzpatrick, sir.

Don't tell him, don't tell him.

I don't think you understand.

Have her report to the orientation officer

tomorrow morning at nine o'clock for indoctrination.

I’ll do nothing of the kind!

You report in the morning to Emily Post

for lessons in manners.

Do you have the baggage checks, darling?

You've got to have the baggage checks

or we can't get through customs.

- She'll be there, sir. - I will not!

Please, I’ve got to take orders.

Well, I don't!

He's rude! He's rude.

Telling me I can't wear slacks.

Forget it, Maggie.

Well, what does he think, I’m going to travel in a ball gown?

Alright! Alright.

Hey, you ought to be in uniform, you're a lot braver than I am.

Joe, I wonder if I’m going to like it here.

You're going to...you're going to be crazy about it.

Oh, oh, oh, those two on the front, please, por favor.

Thank you very much.

Now, is this all you got?

Well, you travel light, huh?

- Good girl. - Sure, I travel light.

That's everything I own.

You know, I need some new clothes desperately.

Nothing fits.

I think I’m gaining weight.

-You are? -Hm.

Maggie, listen, about that surprise you had.

Could we talk about it now?

Oh, it's a gasser.

Well, why didn't you write about it in your letters to me?

‘Cause I wanted to be with you and watch you flip.

You sure it's coming?

Oh, sure.

I checked and double-checked.

It'll arrive in due course.

About eight or nine months?

Oh, much sooner.

How much sooner?

Oh, about a week, ten days, maybe tomorrow.

- You mean that soon? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, that...

That is just great!

Well, you didn't even see it yet.

It's nothing, it's nothing. it's just that it's just great.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing, it’s just that I’m a little edgy, you know,

waiting for you and everything.

That's just great, Maggie.

- Yeah. - Yes.

Oh that is great.

What? I’m sorry.

Well, there's your castle in Spain.

Hm, looks like a laundry.

Well, it's Monday.

It's only temporary, though,

until they get the quarters fixed up at the base.

How about this?

All right, huh?

It's lovely, looks just like a room.

That stove's pretty tricky, I’ll have to show you how it works.

The bath's over here.

What's that, a bomb?

That's just the disposal.

What?

Yeah, there's a tin chute runs up and down

the side of the apartment.

That's how the neighbors get rid of their trash.

Well, does it happen often?

Only when you have to get rid of trash.

Oh, don't worry though,

it never happens until after six o'clock in the morning.

Well, that's pleasant.

Saves us getting an alarm clock, huh?

Hey, you know that's genuine foam rubber?

- All right, huh? - It's sure bouncy.

Oh, Maggie.

Joe.

Joe!

Shh, maybe they'll go away.

Joe!

Come on, open up.

We know you're in there.

- Come on, open the door. - All right.

We've got the drinks...

All right.

All right!

Joe!

I’m coming.

We desire to meet the bride and to examine

the marriage certificate

because we don't trust you. I’m Charlie Rowan.

- Nice to meet you. - Well, it's nicer to meet you.

Pucker up, sweetie.

Hey, why is it so dark in here?

That belongs to me, I’m Sally Rowan.

Hello, Sally.

I want you to meet George, Jane, Marion, Diane...

Wait a minute, hold it, George, wait a minute.

Now, listen folks, I don't think my wife is up to it, really.

She just got in from a long trip from New York.

Now, well, that's practically on the other side of the world.

Yeah, we know where New York is, Joe.

Now, come on, Joe, help the boys fix the drinks.

Come on and sit down.

Listen, Maggie, Maggie, aren't you exhausted?

Do you know what time it is in New York?

Yes, dear, it's five hours earlier.

Oh, it is? I was figuring it was the other way around.

So, now, listen, folks, we've got to bring...

Don't take your coat off. We've got to get this party over with

early because Maggie just has to get to the foam rub…

...the bed, here.

Now, Joe, I’m not even tired.

Come on, get the drinks, dear, go on.

Say, Maggie, you don't know how much we've been

looking forward to meeting the girl that finally

hooked this character.

Some day you've got to give us the whole play-by-play.

Yeah, we'd love to know.

Oh, why bother, just look at her.

When Evelyn's boat comes in, I’m going to belt her in the eye.

Come on, you're going to turn my silly head.

Well, at least you finally got lover boy out of circulation.

You know, it's a relief to have that competition

on the sideline.

Joe, let me help you with that.

Oh, that's wonderful, dear.

No, not you, dear.

Do we have any paper napkins, Joe?

I’ll get them in a second, dear.

Well, here's to the bride.

To the bride.

Now, let's hear the lowdown on that big surprise of yours.

Got a little cake in the oven, huh?

Charlie!

What do you mean?

An airman if it's a boy, and a WAAF if it's a girl.

- Hey, we'll drink to that. - Well, I don't understand.

Oh, there's nothing to understand, honey.

You know, old Charlie here,

always running off at the mouth, you know?

Sew a button on it, will ya?

Well, it's not a secret anymore.

Declassified, kids, declassified.

You mean, you think I’m…

Pregnant!

Sure, you put it in your letter, didn't ya?

Well, what do you do with my letters,

post them on the bulletin board?

Honey, the only letter he saw

was the one where you wrote about the, uh, the surprise...

Oh sure, I only saw one letter.

The most wonderful surprise that ever happened to two people.

Well, what's that supposed to be, a cure for dandruff?

I think there are a lot of unnecessary people in this room.

Come on along, everybody, out.

Let's go.

What's the matter?

Bubble lips.

What did I say? Everybody knows about it.

We're all married people here, for heaven's sake.

Think of me, I have to live with him.

Always trying to stir up trouble.

Now, you shouldn't be sore

just because I showed a friend a letter that made me think

that you thought that you were going to have a baby.

That's not being fair.

Fair?

You knew I couldn't think I was going to have a baby.

If I’d been pregnant the day after you left me,

Then it had to be something that happened before I met you.

I didn't mean that, Maggie.

Well, that's what you thought, admit it.

There's nothing else you could have thought.

The only thing that I thought was

that you wanted a baby just as much as I did.

But you went ahead and you made up your mind

before the votes were counted, that's all.

That's all I thought.

Everything all right now?

Mm-hmm.

Everything always seems all right when you're kissing me.

That's how I got into this in the first place.

You must be tired, huh?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

It has been a rough day.

Want me to help you unpack?

No, I’ll manage.

Oh, you don't need to unpack everything,

just what you'll need for tonight.

All right.

Oh, does the radio work?

Yeah.

Well, that's the fastest change in the history of clothes.

Come on, hurry up. It'll be morning before you know it.

Don't forget you've got a nine o'clock appointment tomorrow.

To do what?

To report to the indoctrination officer.

He's probably going to make you go to classes

for a couple of weeks.

Now, let's get one thing settled.

I’m not going to be ordered around by any sub-normal,

self-important Army official.

Now, wait a minute, it's not that simple.

You're not a civilian anymore, Maggie.

You've got to take orders or else.

All right, I’ll take or else.

Aw, come on now, don't fight the Air Force, honey.

It's bigger than you are.

It's got weapons.

All right, so you go to class for a couple of weeks.

What can it hurt?

It can hurt me.

Look, I’m not going to settle for that kind of a life.

All right, I’m conceited, egoistic, vain,

whatever you want to call it,

but I’m not ordinary.

But to me you're not ordin... ordinary.

To you, you're not ordinary.

But honey, believe me, to the Air Force you're ordinary.

Well, to me the Air Force is ordinary.

Shh, no, don't say it so loud, honey.

- Somebody might hear you. - Oh, who cares?

I’d rather be dead than live like a frightened animal.

Oh man, this is a whale of a beating I’m taking.

You know, Joe, we're just not suited for each other.

Don't say that.

No, really, we just don't think the same way about things.

Wait a minute, all right.

Never mind about the school, I’ll work something out.

- Now, honey, come on. - Now, don't touch me.

I can't think when you're touching me.

It clouds my judgment.

You know, that's the trouble between us,

the only thing we have in common is this

physical attraction for each other.

That's all.

That's all?

It's all my fault.

I was stupid to marry a man I didn't know,

and who didn't know me.

I’m sorry, Joe.

Forgive me.

Don't get dressed.

- I’ll find a hotel room. - You're kidding.

No, I’m going to go back to America in the morning.

This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of.

Joe, if I stay with you, I might really have a baby.

And then if we weren't happy together,

what would we do about it then?

Well, we'd get to know each other.

We'd, uh, well, you did promise me

a lifetime, didn't you, Maggie?

Look, Mag, you've got to give us a chance.

All right, we'll try.

For one month.

Now you're being sensible.

But not as man and wife.

- You've got to be kidding. - Joe, it's the only way.

It wouldn't prove anything if we stayed married

just because we like to sleep together.

I want more from a marriage than that,

a lot more.

Well, how can you get anything from a marriage

if you don't live together as man and wife?

Joe, I’ve got to be certain I don't stay with you

- for the wrong reason. - Oh, now, now, don't...

Now, now you… you mustn't make love to me.

If you do, I’ll leave.

Oh, this is murder.

Now, yes...well, I better leave.

- I really better. - No, wait.

You win, anything you say.

Now, have it your way.

Now go to bed.

Come on, I won't bother you.

I may cry a little bit during the night,

but I won't bother you.

Where's Fitzpatrick?

He's taking a cold shower, lieutenant.

Again?

That's the third time today.

Well, some guys like to be clean.

Psychos.

Now, what's this all-day shower routine?

I don't know, lieutenant. It must be the heat.

It's been getting me lately.

Well, take your salt pills.

Yes, sir.

Major Bagg wants to know why your wife

ditched the indoctrination class.

If he'd just give me a little more time,

I’m sure I can work things out.

You better.

Oh, by the way, a transport docked from Cadiz this morning.

Your car's in the manifest.

Oh, good deal.

You can catch a ride on the afternoon flight.

I told Margolis to give you a 24-hour pass.

Thank you, lieutenant.

You think we'll get the car right away?

No red tape or anything?

No, there shouldn't be.

It doesn't look very strong.

Suppose they drop it?

Couldn't hurt that old wreck of mine.

Isn't that the most beautiful car in the world?

Yes.

It must belong to some king or somebody, huh?

Yeah, at least.

Hey, haven't I seen this car someplace before?

- Sergeant Joe Fitzpatrick? - Huh?

That's what it says.

Are you... oh, no, no.

You've got this all mixed up there, buddy boy.

You've got those numbers all changed.

It's true, it's yours.

What are you talking about, mine?

Joe, that's the surprise I wrote you about.

- You won the raffle. - The raffle?

Yeah, don't you remember... The Fresh Air Fund.

I sold you the ticket.

You mean, that's where I signed?

Isn't it magnificent?

Fellas, fellas, you're going to get fingerprints

all over the back.

Fellas, do you mind?

It's yours, Joe.

Slower, slower. You're going to hit the sides.

Outside of the way it looks and rides...

it smells expensive, huh?

Oh, I feel so much happier today.

That's great.

What are you thinking about, huh?

Oh, just daydreaming.

About pretty cars and pretty dresses, pretty parties.

Do you ever daydream?

Oh, yes.

Now, now quit that.

I was just shifting gears, that's all.

Uh, and I almost forgot.

Here's the money for your old car.

- Oh. Oh, good. - Eleven hundred dollars.

I didn't want to give it to you sooner.

I didn't want to spoil the surprise.

That is for you.

- Really? - It's your wedding present.

Well, I shouldn't accept it,

but under the circumstances…

But you will, huh?

Well, a girl who refuse to accept presents,

usually wind up with nothing.

Oh, sure.

You know, it wouldn't hurt you to have a goal in life.

Oh, I have one.

Which reminds me, we're going to spend the night in Granada.

- Good. - Mm-hmm.

They say it's one of the most romantic cities in the world.

I see.

So, what else is new? Hmm?

You better wait here while I see if they've got a room.

All right.

Mister?

Mister?

Buenas tardes.

Uh, do you have a room here?

- As many as you wish, señor. - Oh, good.

Now, listen, there's something I’d like to talk to you about.

Buenas dias.

Good evening, señora.

A thousand pardons that I stare, but such a machine.

It is not an automobile. It is a work of art.

Oh, well, we like it, too.

What's going on, a carnival?

A most happy occasion.

The marriage of my son.

May I introduce myself? Pablo de Salinas.

How do you do? I’m Maggie Fitzpatrick.

It is truly the Picasso of automobiles.

Do you mind if my guests look?

No, go ahead.

Go ahead.

I understand, señor.

Uh, no couch in the bedroom.

- And no sofa. - No, no sofa.

It shall be as you wish, señor.

Thank you. Thank you.

Excuse me, please.

Excuse me.

All set.

I’m going to get the bags.

They're right in the back.

Pretty crowded in there, I could only get one room.

Oh.

What's the matter?

I don't know yet, but it'd better not be.

Pronto!

- Buenas tardes. - Good afternoon.

Your passports, please.

All right.

There you are. Mm-hmm.

I told you the place was crowded.

Some poor joker's probably gonna have to sleep on that tonight.

Pardon, señora, Don Pablo would like very much if you

and your husband would join the wedding party.

Oh, that's nice.

Well, don't you want to go up and clean up first?

Oh, we have time for that, tell him we'll be right out.

Thank you.

The bride's so cute.

Not half as cute as you are.

Oh, it was lovely.

Lovely music, lovely dinner, lovely dancing.

Couldn't we just stay here forever?

Oh, we're not rich enough to retire just quite yet.

Well, that's right.

Money makes the difference.

Doesn't your mind get a little lonesome

running along on that same single track all the time?

You know, I love you very much, but you've got to get over

these delusions of grandeur that you have.

First class is better than third class.

That's not a delusion of grandeur really, that's...

Listen, wait a minute.

I eat as well and I sleep as well as any millionaire.

As a matter of fact, I have twice as many laughs.

There's nothing third class about that.

You're pretty.

Yeah, easy to get, too.

As a matter of fact, you might even...

No suggestive remarks, please.

- Is this nice? - Mm-hmm.

Which side do you want?

- Either side. - All right.

But I’m warning you,

That judo session you put me through this morning

is something I do not want repeated.

When a husband leaves for work,

it's only natural to want to kiss his wife goodbye.

It's not natural to kiss anyone goodbye

until you put your clothes on.

What's the matter now?

That couch was in this room.

These marks, that's where the legs stood.

You had it taken out.

All right, so I’m human.

Talk about a one-track mind.

Joe, our marriage is all wrong.

Come on, now.

Any marriage is wrong when you take the sex out it.

What's the matter, you smarter than Freud?

Oh, Maggie, will you stop this nonsense?

Me?

All I asked was forget about sex for one single month.

And… and it's only two days

and already you're acting like some kind of... an animal.

It's disgusting.

Well, I’ll bet I wouldn't be disgusting if I were rich.

Would you kindly leave my bedroom?

This is not your bedroom.

It's our bathroom.

Yes?

Yes, what is it?

May I leave the door open?

It's hot in here.

Oh.

That's perfectly all right.

Perfectly all right.

Maggie, Maggie, just listen to me.

Listen, I love you, Maggie.

I love you, that's the only thing that matters.

I love you, does that mean anything to you?

- Of course it does, Joe. - I love you so much.

And you belong only to me.

Now, you just come on, get out of this silly tub.

Oh, Joe, you're clouding my judgment.

Oh, Maggie, I love you.

What the hell is going on here?

Aren't we lucky?

Oh, we could have made a terrible mistake.

If you'll please not refer to life's supreme moment

as a mistake,

I will try to block this episode out of my mind.

Joe!

Look, look, Marion, that car.

What in the world is it?

Something altogether new.

I must find out.

All right.

Unbelievable.

That pick-up.

It is gone.

I wonder what it was?

The driver was wearing an American Air Force uniform.

I can find out from general O’Connell.

There can't be two cars like that in the Air Force.

Not in the world.

Such a beautiful thing.

Such lines, such... Well, it destroys me.

I’m in love.

With an automobile for a change?

You know, Antonio, I’m glad I’m not in love with you.

I’d hate to compete with an automobile.

My dear Marquesa,

you need never fear competition from automobiles.

They're so much harder to park.

There's a dress shop next to the Palace hotel,

would you drop me off?

All right.

We're surrounded.

What'd you say Si for?

It's the only word I know.

Wait a minute, please.

Don't do that.

- Do you mind closing... - Don't...don't touch the car.

Officer?

Officer?

We want to get to the Palace hotel, would you...

We want to go to a dress shop at the Palace, understando?

- Palacio. - That's right.

Do you mind getting back, folks, please?

There's no accident, sir.

Just some fantastic looking red car.

All right, honey.

First class, huh?

Motorcycle escort.

A flagrant, ostentatious display of American wealth

is very poor propaganda, Tim.

The ambassador is quite disturbed about it.

You ought to know better than to antagonize people

with whom we must do business.

- Me? What… - Envy breeds dislike,

in Spain or at home.

Details, please.

One of your officers is driving the most magnificent car

in either hemisphere.

A custom built, what is it?

It must have cost more than the State Department budget

for the entire year.

One of my officers? Who says so?

I say so, I saw him.

The car caused such a riot, I couldn't get close enough

to make out his rank, but he's one of yours.

Now, look, one of my officers couldn't afford tires

for a custom built job.

I saw him.

All right, I’ll investigate it.

Tommy, call Intelligence.

Ask major Bonner to step in.

Look, there it is.

Tommy, cancel major Bonner.

Come over here.

Get me that sergeant.

Yes, sir.

A sergeant driving a car like that?

Well, that's why we've got it on the Russians.

At ease, sergeant.

Uh, this is Mr. McVey, our ambassador's aide,

- sergeant, uh? - Fitzpatrick, sir.

- Sergeant? - How do you do, sir?

Uh, sit down, sergeant.

Right here.

How did you happen to acquire that automobile?

Oh, I won it in a raffle, sir.

Ask a silly question.

Oh no, sir, it's the truth, sir.

I won it at a charity bazaar in New York.

- Hm. - Mm-hmm.

Well, now, sergeant, that car of yours is creating a problem.

How, sir?

The State Department here feels it's a little too splendiferous.

Might create resentment.

Hm.

Well, with whom, sir?

With people who haven't won raffles.

So, if you would care to send it home,

at the government's expense,

I’m sure it can be arranged.

General, please, sir, I mean, I couldn't.

I just couldn't do that.

If I were to send that car home, I’d just...

well, I’d have to send my wife home along with it.

See, I just couldn't take a chance.

Not the way things are with us right now.

It's, you know?

Been married long?

Well, just a little over a month, sir.

Oh, I see.

So, you see, I’d like very much to help you, sir.

But you can see the spot I’m in, huh?

Well, sergeant, the Air Force

has no intentions of breaking up your marriage.

That's all, sergeant.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you very much, sir.

Tim, aren't you going to do anything about this?

You heard me offer to send it home

at the government's expense, he turned it down.

He's got the right to turn it down.

Even when it affects matters of national policy?

Look, I have no authority to deprive him of his rights.

There is nothing more that can be done,

either by the military or by the State Department.

Democracy, it's wonderful.

If it isn't fatal.

- Hi, Joe. - Hi, Alec.

- I’ll buy you a beer. - Uh-uh, my wife's waiting.

Hey, did you see this?

No, what is it?

Why, I bet O’Connell is real happy about that.

The congressmen serve on the

Armed Forces Expenditures Committee?

So, you can tell your fellow congressmen

that we eat pretty well.

Unfortunately, our housing facilities

won't be completed for some time.

Consequently, our married personnel live in Madrid.

That automobile, I’ve never seen anything like it.

Whom does it belong to?

One of our sergeants.

Sergeant?

He won it in a raffle.

Well, after the tour, I suppose you gentlemen are thirsty.

Shall we go to the Officers' Club?

Raffle.

Joe, I’ve got a surprise.

Well, hold it, please, Maggie.

I’m still all shook up from the last one.

Oh, now, the Marquesa Del Ray telephoned

and invited us to the bull fights tomorrow.

Imagine, the Marquesa Del Ray.

I don't think I know her, who is she?

Who is she? Well, she's famous.

I read about her in the papers.

She was a European actress

and she married a terribly rich Spanish nobleman.

And then he died.

And now she's accepted in high society

and she gives these tremendous parties all the time.

Now, why would she invite us? We're not in society.

Why? What's the difference why? She did.

And you know what? Antonio Soriano, you remember who he is?

Nope.

Well, he's the best bull fighter in the world.

And he's fighting tomorrow.

And before the fights, we're invited to his apartment

to watch him get dressed.

Watch him get dressed?

Who wants to watch a man get dressed?

I do.

You never watch me get dressed.

What does this Soriano character got that I haven't got?

Watching a bull fighter get dressed is a formal ceremony.

It's a great honor to be invited.

Well, does he start from scratch?

You are impossible.

You know, I was just thinking, maybe this Marv who's...

- Marquesa. - Marquesa could invite us

to watch Jayne Mansfield getting dressed.

Oh.

Now, that would be some ceremony.

You must let me entertain you and your wife

while you are stationed here.

That's very kind of you, Marquesa.

Oh, Marion, please.

All right, Marion, I’m Joe.

Mm, good luck, Tonio.

Gracias, Marion.

This is sergeant Fitzpatrick,

the gentleman you were so anxious to meet.

How do you do?

The owner of the fabulous car.

Ah, a great privilege.

I’m infatuated with your vehicle.

Oh, just be sure that he won't steal it from you.

Excuse me.

Sergeant, did you say?

Yeah, that's right.

As a hobby, perhaps?

Yeah, it's a hobby.

It's for kicks, you know, like breathing?

Aha, I see.

But your glass is empty.

Uh, Pedro.

Thank you.

You will let me drive your car one day?

Today, you must say yes,

unless you wish my blood on your hands.

When the torero has been denied, when he's frustrated,

he becomes weak.

El toro knows when this is so.

He smells it.

Then at the moment of the truth, comes the horn...death.

Man, you're kidding, aren't you?

Just because I wouldn't let you drive my car?

Magnificent, that girl.

Never, never have I seen one so beautiful.

Oh, that's my wife.

I will consume her, I will devour her.

Hey now, just a minute, torero.

For such a creature, one invents a new kind of love.

For ten days... you will not believe this.

For ten days, I could go without sleep.

For 240 hours, I could make love to her.

Yeah, well, so could I.

Do not torture yourself, my friend.

She is Soriano's now.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

It is true.

Women are attracted to bull fighters, you see.

I believe it has something to do with the bull.

Well, that's logical.

Ever I speak only the truth.

What chance do you have?

Well, it would seem like very little.

Well, I haven't been in Spain very long,

but what I’ve seen, I’ve enjoyed very much.

I’m glad.

I am waiting to be introduced.

Oh! Mrs. Fitzpatrick, señor Soriano.

I am enchanted.

- Fitzpatrick? - Mm-hmm.

Yep, that's my wife.

I’m sorry, señor, we can no longer be friends.

Well, I’m sorry too because, you know,

you're really quite a character.

My greatest strength is my honesty.

Never would I make advances to the wife of a friend.

He's off again.

Oh, I don't understand.

What advances? What friends?

It's very simple.

The oldest war in life... Two men and one woman.

Ah, that's enough.

That's enough now, come on, Maggie, let's go home, huh?

I’m sorry we're going to miss the bull fight,

particularly now I’ve got somebody to root for,

and I know it isn't him.

That's not funny.

Well, I kind of liked it myself.

Now, Joe, why do we have to go?

Behave yourself, Tony.

Come on, Joe, don't be angry.

Really, he doesn't mean anything by it.

Ever, I speak only the truth.

You are not fond of the truth, I see.

You prefer to take your lovely wife to the company of men

who do not say what they feel.

Men who think what I think, but, uh, secretly.

Hey, you know, in a kind of screwball way,

you make a lot of sense.

All right, I won't root for the bull.

Your hand, sir?

Maybe we shall still be friends after all.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

Say, how would you like to drive my car to the fights?

Are you serious?

Serious? Of course I’m serious.

Think I want your blood on my hands?

Oh, señor, you're most gracious.

Come, everyone. Time to go.

It has a push button drive, do you understand?

Of course.

- All right, here's the keys. - Thank you.

Now that we're friends, I escort your wife?

Why yes, by all means.

Be my guest.

There's a switch.

Marion, you take care of the sergeant.

I shall be delighted.

It's even more wonderful than I thought.

Congratulations again, señor Fitzpatrick,

upon both your possessions.

And now I must leave you to face my destiny.

Life or death, perhaps.

Goodbye.

And don't forget, tomorrow, you and the good sergeant

will visit my country place.

Well, for a man who's supposed to be facing death,

he seems awfully certain about tomorrow.

Maybe those bulls are fixed.

Mrs. Tappe, Mrs. Muir, señor Loganzaga.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

Please, take a seat.

Congressman Muir, Congressman Tappe.

- General. - Thanks.

Oh, it's nice to see you, lieutenant.

Well, I see the Marquesa's here.

Who?

The Marquesa Del Ray,

she's the one who's giving the big reception over the weekend.

We're invited, are you?

Naturally.

Richard is a senior congressman.

Why are they waving the capes at the bull?

I thought Mr. Soriano was going to fight him.

Oh, but first they use the cape to feel the bull out.

You know, to see which way he charges.

Like that, the toreador has an even chance.

Well, he's got a sword, hasn't he?

That's more than the bull's got.

Maggie, the bull has horns, see?

Which he brought with him.

Man, this bull fighting, that's a rough business.

It doesn't seem as rough as prize fighting or football.

Oh, it's different.

Bodily contact sports are rough,

but they're not a matter of life or death.

That's right.

You see, this is more of an, um, art than a sport.

Like a love affair.

Yeah, I guess you'd call that a bodily contact sport.

Uh, it's certainly no sport if it isn't.

Ah!

- Are you enjoying it? - Yeah, it's fine.

Oh!

He's dedicating the bull to you.

What do I do?

Just catch his hat.

Just throw something back to him.

General, that girl he tossed the hat to,

is she a celebrity or something?

Hm, not that I know of,

she's married to one of our GI’s.

Yes, that's the sergeant who was driving the $40,000 car.

$40,000 car?

A sergeant?

Dick, you never told me that.

I checked with the general here,

seems the soldier won it in a raffle.

Oh, no.

Not a very likely story.

The boy's got a good record,

I see no reason to disbelieve him.

Dick! Dick, that is the very dress!

I priced it yesterday at Peregios. 412 dollars they were asking.

- You sure? - Absolutely! 17,300 pesetos.

I suppose she won that in a raffle, hm?

General, what does that sergeant do?

He, uh, he's a supply sergeant.

Anybody check the supplies lately?

- 760 parachutes. - Check.

180 hydraulic couplers.

Check.

- 2,306 50-sixteens. - Check.

- 486... - Check.

- 300 air speed indicators. - Check.

- 220... - Check.

97 air pressure hoses.

Everything checks so far.

Wait till Washington hears about that.

Your stinking automobile.

So that's why we're going to be stuck

with this imbecile inventory 'til three in the morning.

Well, what should I do? Desert?

If you can do it as of yesterday, by all means.

Sergeant Fitzpatrick, about this automobile you won.

Oh, no.

A copy of this will be sent to you.

It's from the Internal Revenue Department.

Your estimated tax for the current year is $17,500.

As of now, you owe $8,750,

which covers the first two installments.

They...they've got me mixed up with another Fitzpatrick.

Anything you win is the same as an income.

You have to declare it and pay income tax on it.

Got it?

Where am I going to get $17,500?

Unless they receive payment immediately, as finance officer,

I’ve been requested to withhold your pay, sorry.

Where you going, sergeant?

I’m going to get an aspirin.

A job! Maybe I could get a job?

And pay taxes on what you earn?

Maggie, listen, we're in the 80-90 percent bracket right now.

Mm-hmm. I’m maybe violently ill.

Say, what about that 1,100 dollars I gave you?

Maybe we could use that to kind of stall 'em

along for a while, huh?

Oh, that's gone.

Gone?

I spent that the other day on clothes.

You spent $1,100 in one day on clothes?

Well, you gave it to me, didn't you?

Eleven hundred dollars in one day.

Man, I’ll dream about that.

Joe, you're going to sleep now?

On that loveseat just like that,

you're going to sleep?

That is my supreme ambition.

Well, without even a struggle?

Maggie, I’m tired.

I knew I never should have married you.

One little thing goes wrong, and right away,

you lose interest in me.

If I had any brains, I’d swat you right up into orbit.

Hey, Joe, look at this.

It's practically a Shangri-La.

Drive slow, I need some more sleep.

She's come alone.

And I suppose you arranged for it?

Truly not.

Oh, my little enchantment, you came by yourself.

Well, practically.

Oh.

Good day, señor Fitzpatrick.

I am glad to see you.

But it is the host who speaks, not the man.

I see.

Well, it's the guest that thanks you, not the husband.

The guest is most welcome.

My, what a lovely estate this is.

Here we raise some of the finest bulls in Spain.

I know, we saw some of them as we drove up.

After lunch, I will introduce you to some of their children.

- Gracias. - Thank you.

Now, you see, you hold it like this.

Yes.

Like this, there.

Now, you wait for the bull.

He charges.

Now, remember, the bull will always follow the cape.

The bull will always follow the cape.

Now, the other side.

- Oh, that… - My darling.

Now we try with the horns... Toro!

Come on, Joe, you need a drink.

Aw, that's easy.

Bring on the real bull.

All right.

Now, remember, the bull will always follow the cape.

- Right. - Antonio.

The bull will always follow the cape.

Toro!

Toro, aha!

No!

Joe!

I thought you said the bull would follow the cape.

But he was overcome by your charm.

Well, don't worry about that little bull.

He's not dangerous.

It's not the bull I’m worried about.

Maggie, will you get out of there?

An exquisite thing, this car of yours.

It's the talk of Madrid.

Yeah, that car is nothing but grief.

Special, custom-made grief.

I understand.

Such a lovely toy.

It creates jealousy.

Jealousy, that's a fine tribute.

When people envy me a possession, I know I’m wise

to possess it.

Soriano, come here.

Will you excuse us, please?

Yes.

Speaking of possessions, how would you like to possess mine?

But beyond doubt!

What a peculiar question.

- She is... - I’m talking about my car.

Oh, that!

Yes, that too.

It's pretty expensive.

I assumed.

I can't take any pesetos.

Name the currency, swiss francs, pesos, dollars.

- Dollars. - Dollars.

I’ve got to have at least $17,500.

Agreed. I’ll send you a check.

All right, you've got a deal. Here's the keys.

Thank you.

I have just bought señor Fitzpatrick's beautiful car.

It's mine.

Joe, you sold our car?

We can't afford that thing.

I’m just an ordinary sergeant.

Well, you could have figured something out.

Oh, Joe, I love that car.

Well, that's very encouraging, Maggie,

because I was beginning to doubt whether you could love anything.

Come, my friends, come.

Don't just stand there. Come, we drink to my new possession.

Forgive me if I boast about my wines,

they're incomparable.

When I am no longer matador,

they will still keep the name of Soriano upon everyone's lips.

But, you shall judge for yourselves.

This is only a young wine, seven years.

But it has much to say.

Original thoughts.

Some profound, some romantic, even foolish,

but, uh, nicely foolish.

Do you approve?

Mm, delicious.

Youthful, and, um, still sophisticated.

Ah.

What did it say to you, Joe?

Not to talk like a phony.

And now, for something different.

Come, come.

And this one is an experiment.

Cross blend that attempts to marry

the rhythm of the flamenco to the lilt of a Puccini aria.

It sings well?

Like the Ames Brothers.

The rhythm and the lilt, they are there?

You hesitate.

Say, did you ever try writing beer commercials?

I do not follow.

It's a compliment, you see.

It's a compliment to your powers of description.

Oh, why, thank you.

Now, this vintage to me, has lovely character.

Although some people find it a little selfish.

How many vintages do you have down here?

Several hundred.

We'll never make it.

Come.

And now I’ll introduce El Gran Viejo,

Its age is unknown, perhaps 200 years.

Never has it been bottled or sold.

My private treasure, El Gran Viejo.

I’ve never seen so many wines of trasks in my whole life.

Maggie, Maggie, you're stoned.

Oh, you have no appreciation of the finer...

nuances of good wine.

- Maggie. - Oh-oh, no-no.

Maggie, please. Excuse me.

No-no, no-no. No-no, no-no, no-no…

- Oh, hello. - Hello.

Stoned.

Well, what do we try next?

El Gran Viejo.

Ooh, I’ve never seen such a big carafe in my...

We'll never drink all that.

Oh, no, no, no.

This is our tasting room.

Oh.

We keep the door closed so the bouquet of El Gran Viejo

will not be spoiled by other odors.

Oh, I don't mind.

Mm, smells nice.

As you can see, there’s only place for two at a time.

May I separate you from your beautiful lady a moment?

Now, Maggie, you've had enough now.

- Come on, Maggie. Maggie? - It'd be a pleasure, Antonio.

Maggie.

Oh!

She has a mind of her own, that little one.

You're telling me.

You're much more attractive than Soriano, you know.

Try not to be angry.

I couldn't be trying any harder.

Besides, there isn't enough room in there to do anything wicked.

There's not much air in here.

Ah, too much air is bad for the bouquet.

Oh, I can get drunk on the bouquet alone.

Oh, oh, oh!

Sounds like they're trying to make room.

It's locked.

Did you hurt yourself?

No, no, I’m all right.

Oh!

Oh, my new dress.

You tore my new dress.

Oh my dear, do not weep.

There will be another new dress at your home tomorrow.

- There will? - But of course.

If your husband does not object?

Oh no, he doesn't, honestly.

I’ll kill him.

A new dress. Antonio, you're a gasser.

I’ll break that door down.

Let me find something around here.

As there an ax around here? Excuse me.

Well, where's the glory booze?

A privilege!

I watch the meeting of the two most beautiful objects of Spain.

Oh. Olé!

Everybody back, do you mind stepping back, please?

Step right up to the fun palace, folks.

Just as much fun inside as it's...

What are you doing?

Well, at least it looks like you put up a fight.

No, it doesn't.

Now, that's a very vulgar remark.

- And very uncalled for. - You just keep out of this.

Look, I am very sorry if I am vulgar,

but maybe you ought to make a few allowances for me

because I was never able to become quite as classy as you.

Now, I must apologize for my husband...

Don't you do that, don't apologize for me.

You don't understand anything.

Cinderella, you just go ahead and take your cow dodger

because I’ve had it, I am fed up.

I’ve had it.

You're welcome to it.

But he was terribly intoxicated.

Do not be distressed.

Husbands are always jealous of Soriano.

And they're always right.

Joe, can I give you a lift?

Thanks.

Hmm, I’m sorry I spoiled the party.

I like this party better.

You're the only reason I came here in the first place.

Oh, I’m sorry I disappointed you.

But you didn't.

Where can I take you?

Some place in town where I can get a hotel room.

How about my villa?

Well, you were invited for the weekend in any case.

Surely you're not afraid of appearances.

Certainly not.

Well?

All right, I will.

Good.

Hm, if I hadn't sworn off women for the rest of my life,

I’d say something real nice to you.

I can wait.

Joe?

I’m sorry.

I’m just a silly little old droop.

And I didn't mean...

Joe?

Joe?

The kind of a man that holds a grudge, huh?

Darn fool.

Just when I was going to forgive him.

Oh.

I’ll say this for you, sergeant, you don't do anything small.

Here we are disciplining airmen

for selling cigarettes, chocolate, nylons.

You come along and sell a custom-built automobile.

You're aware, of course, that you were exposing yourself

and señor Soriano to possible prison terms?

Put Soriano in jail and the Spanish people

will tear it down.

The transaction is hereby canceled.

And you, sergeant, are under arrest.

Oh, general, you're being ridiculous.

Maggie, please.

A court martial may not be necessary,

that's for the Board of Inquiry to determine.

Meanwhile, confine yourself to quarters.

Yes, sir.

Which quarters, sir?

Whichever quarters you happen to be occupying,

- is that clear? - Yes, sir.

Dismissed.

Dismissed!

Yes, sir.

I have something to say about this.

Maggie, for heaven's sakes, will you keep your…

Now, you listen to me, general.

Joe had to sell his car

because the United States government ordered him to.

Please clarify that statement.

The Internal Revenue Department,

they're going to attach Joe's pay

unless they get over $17,000 in taxes.

Now, what are we supposed to do, starve to death?

That might be a solution.

Just because you're afraid of a couple of old congressmen.

You're unjust, cowardly, unfair, shocking,

and everything else.

Now, look, it's very obvious that you have

a lot to learn about the service, Mrs. Fitzpatrick.

Well, you have a lot to learn about civilian rights.

I’m going to report you to my congressman.

And he'll have a few words to say, all right.

Now, just one minute.

Who is your congressman, young woman?

I don't know.

But I can find out by writing to Jackson Heights.

Jackson Heights?

Yes.

I’m your congressman.

Well, say a few words.

I will.

You are the most impertinent, disrespectful constituent

I’ve ever been ashamed to acknowledge.

Believe me, general, most of my voters are nice people.

I’m sure you'll excuse me, I have other guests.

Well, that's the second time in two days I’ve been told off.

Suppose there could be something in it?

It means nothing.

A woman of spirit is bound to make enemies.

Joe didn't even come home last night.

Excellent!

Now he's under arrest.

He's confined to quarters.

I don't even know where.

Do not be sad.

Let me help you not to be sad.

- How? - It's easy.

For a hangover, you take a little more whiskey.

For a broken heart, you take a little more love.

Oh, broken heart, my foot.

He'll come crawling back to me on his knees.

You'll see.

I’m already crawling on mine.

Oh, come on, Antonio, let's get out of here.

Come in.

Is the prisoner receiving?

Uh, yes.

You know, I was just thinking.

Why didn't I have enough sense to get arrested years ago, huh?

You know, I thought this was going to be a very dull weekend.

Congressmen, ambassadors…

But Maggie's here.

Oh, well, that figures.

Tony insisted on bringing her, I hope you're not angry with me.

I’m not angry, I’m delighted.

I hope they both have a real good time.

Well, I… I just wondered whether

you still want to come downstairs or not?

Thank you... Well, why not?

Nothing's going to spoil this party.

Shall we?

- Marion. - Tim.

I’m sorry I’m late, I had to wait…

Fitzpatrick?

Yes, sir?

I thought I confined you to quarters.

- Well, you did, sir. - Well?

Well, sir, these are my quarters.

Well, I hope you're, uh, comfortable, sergeant.

Oh, yes indeed, sir.

Isn't he a dear?

Hurry up, Tim, we’ll meet you downstairs.

Come on, darling.

Isn't it funny?

This is just the sort of party I always wanted to be invited to.

Really important people.

You know, genuine top level, big, big wheels.

And I’m depressed.

A little wine will pick you right up.

Oh no, don't mention that word.

Let's just dance.

Don, what a delightful surprise. I thought you were out of town.

Oh darling, go ahead, I’ll be right in in a moment.

Now, don't tell me, where have you been?

Look!

I told you.

I told you he'd come crawling back on his knees.

Is that what he's doing?

Of course... He's under arrest, isn't he?

So, he busted out just to come look for me.

I knew he'd do something. he's insanely jealous.

Now, don't let him cut in... He'll try, but don't let him.

Ss you wish, my dear.

Oh, no, let him see us.

Well, hello.

I’m sorry, I do not wish to speak to you.

Well, splendid.

Thanks.

And I very much resent your following me here.

Well, it just so happens that this is where I’m living.

Excuse me?

You care so much?

I had hoped you wouldn't.

Don't be silly.

I never wanted to be an Army wife.

And I never wanted to be bossed, and poor.

Carida, why did you marry him?

Because I’m dumb.

I’m so dumb that I fell for a... a stupid physical attraction

that makes me furious every time I think of it.

I, too, am discontented.

Carida, listen to me.

I am rich, I am handsome, I am talented.

I would make you very happy.

Do you know what I am saying?

But I’m not even divorced, Antonio.

Don't make me answer you now.

You have answered me.

Oh, but I haven't.

I… I’m upset, I can't think.

Yes, I know.

The stupid physical attraction.

How stupid it can be.

Antonio, I’ll just be a minute.

Joe, your wife is spying on us.

Well, good for her.

Very encouraging.

She must think I’m a threat.

You know darn well you're a threat.

- Do I? - Yeah.

In any case, let's keep her thinking that way.

Is she the only reason you brought me out here?

No, of course not.

I… I like you very much, Marion.

Like me? That's a horrible thing to say to a woman.

Yeah, I know.

Well, I didn't mean it exactly that way.

That was the remark of a permanently married man.

No, not necessarily... I’ll tell you one thing,

if she does come back to me, it's going to be on my terms.

And it's going to be tonight or never.

Antonio, do you still want to marry me?

Oh, with all my heart.

Okay, you have a green light.

You mean, yes?

Yes, I mean yes.

Dearest Maggie, my heart cannot speak it...

it weeps with joy.

Antonio, please don't do that.

Kiss me?

My treasure.

Antonio, please, try it again?

Such a wonderful life we shall have together.

You bet.

Antonio, do you mind if I leave you now?

I have a terrible headache.

But, of course.

Of course, my dear, I understand.

I understand, I’m sorry.

One pays far too much for everything, even happiness.

Good night, my treasure.

Your lights were still on, so I thought I’d come in.

Any developments?

No, it doesn't seem so.

Incidentally, I thought of a way to get you out

from under your car deal.

You did? How?

We'll have a glass of champagne, and I’ll unfold the plot, hmm?

Psst, psst. Oh, pardon.

Could you tell me were sergeant Fitzpatrick's room is?

No comprendo, señorita.

Oh, uno momento,

la sala es sergeante Fitzpatrick, donde es?

Sergeant Fitz...

Soldado.

Ah, soldado. Si, si, señorita, por favor.

Aqui esta, señorita.

Gracias.

Por nada.

Buenos noches.

Buenos noches.

Joe?

Joe, I was wrong, terribly wrong.

Sweetheart, you can cloud my judgment any time you want to.

Darling, I’ll change. I promise I will.

Joe, say you forgive me.

It's no use being stubborn.

I’ll make you forgive me.

I’ll make you, make you.

What the hell is going on here?

Now, shh, please, quiet.

Shh!

You'll bring everybody in here.

What are you doing in this bed?

I was sleeping.

Why here?

My hostess put me here.

My goodness, is that your dress?

Yes… I thought this was somebody else's room.

Well, it's not.

That's obvious!

Well, I wish it was obvious before you came in here.

Oh, keep quiet, I’m thinking.

Do you know the butler here?

Madam, this is no time for small talk.

I’ve got to find the right room.

Well, find it, but get out of my bed.

How dare you!

I’m not dressed.

I am aware of that fact.

And I would like you to correct that state.

Someone called?

Oh, pardon us.

Now, now, wait a minute! Come back.

Come back here, please.

Congressmen!

How are we going to word this in a report?

-I’ll word it for you. -Congressmen!

Now, wait a minute, congressmen, I want to explain this.

Come back here, dammit!

Tim, Tim, what's the matter?

Why are you doing all this noise?

Will you please get that woman...

What woman?

Uh, nothing, nobody.

Well, I’m so glad you are up,

there is something I want to discuss with you.

Come on, Joe, come.

No! No, no, no…

No, some other time, Marion.

This is only going to take a minute, now, look...

Wait a minute, Fitzpatrick, wait.

In the hall, we can talk in the hall.

Don't be so silly, why in the hall?

We'll wake up people.

Wake up people?

No one cared about waking me up.

Well, you're already up.

Have you been drinking?

Attention!

Yes, sir?

The least you can do is stand at attention.

- Forward, march! - Sir?

Forward, march.

Odd time of the night to drill troops.

Halt!

You've been drinking, and too much.

All right, I’ve been drinking, and too much.

Let me sleep it off.

Go away, we'll discuss this in the morning.

Now, look, all I wanted to say is that

you ought to give two weeks' leave to sergeant Fitzpatrick.

If you both will get out of here, I will give him

two years' leave.

Left face!

Don't you want to know what the leave is for?

No, no, Marion, I don't.

Eyes front!

Now, stop that!

Now, what's wrong with you?

He's really in real trouble.

And you've always been so nice to people in trouble.

I still am.

Never more so than...

Left face!

Forward, march!

Turn left march!

Halt! And stay there.

Now, then, will you listen?

Let Joe send his car down to Tangiers.

There's no regulation against selling it there.

Let him get rid of it, pay off the government,

and there is the end of the whole mess.

Where is she?

I must know, where is she?

She's not in her bed!

- Hey, wait a minute. - Where is she?

Now, what is all this?

How do you know she's not in her bed?

Because I looked.

You were in my wife's bedroom?

She is my fiancée.

Well, she may be your fiancée, but she's my wife.

It is impossible to strike me when I am alert.

Maggie?

You'll pardon my not getting up.

I’m exhausted.

Joe!

Wait a minute, sergeant, you can't walk out on this!

Sergeant, you halt!

Now, look, let's not make a scandal out of this.

It's a silly mistake and that is all.

Your wife mistook my room for someone else's.

Yours, Joe, I thought it was yours!

Not so, you were looking for me, for Soriano.

Have you forgotten you're my fiancée?

Oh please, leave me alone, Antonio.

But you're mine.

Tony, I don't think I’ve ever given a more interesting party.

Oh, Joe, I love you so much.

I don't care about being rich anymore.

And I don't care about a car anymore.

I just want you.

Now, what do you got your dress on back to front for?

Well, I took it off for the general.

Don't say a thing like that!

‘Cuz I thought it was you, Joe.

And that is the whole story.

And I want it explained in complete detail

to those two congressmen.

I’d like a few details explained to me.

I assure you, nothing has been omitted from your wife's report.

Oh, Joe, be fair.

I didn't do anything wrong.

Sergeant?

All right, general.

Thank you, sergeant.

Oh, Joe.

Joe, say something nice.

Joe. Joe, you are going to take me back, aren't you?

Well, maybe.

Please.

Maggie, if I do take you back, it's going to be on my terms.

Oh, anything you say, Joe, anything you say.

All right, we'll try it for one month.

But not as man and wife. strictly platonic.

You've got to be kidding.

You bet your life I’m kidding.

Joe!