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♪ bright, upbeat music ♪
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00:00:03,045 --> 00:00:05,214
MEL BROOKS:
"The Fall of the Berlin Wall"
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00:00:05,214 --> 00:00:06,465
[crowd cheering]
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GERMAN MAN: People here have been
living with the wall since 1961,
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and now, it's time to break
the wall down, you know?
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[chiseling]
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Smash harder, Hans!
The other side of this wall is freedom!
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- A new life for us awaits. [laughs]
- Yes!
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- Hans, I have to tell you something.
- Ja.
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- I'm pregnant!
- What?
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With your child!
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- Mine?
- Yes.
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But, how...
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With your penis.
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Mein Gott, that's amazing!
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Our baby will be born in a free world!
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With blue jeans on.
[both laughing]
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- [Hans grunting]
- Oh.
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[yelling]
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On the other side of this wall,
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there will be McDonald's everywhere!
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GRETA:
What a momentous day!
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[both laughing]
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Wrong wall.
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- O-oh, so sorry.
- Oh.
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No, no, it happens all the time.
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- Sorry.
- Auf wiedersehn.
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Oh no!
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♪ epic theme plays ♪
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MEL:
History of The World, Part II!
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MEL: "The Story of Jesus,
the Council of Nicaea"
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♪
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In the year 325, the church gathered
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their most powerful bishops
at the Council of Nicaea
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in order to solidify the story of Jesus.
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Their goal?
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To make the Bible
an international blockbuster.
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[thick Midwestern accent]: Now, we are
very familiar with the story of Jesus,
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so let's just jump right into it.
How about that?
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MAN: Great.
MODERATOR: Okay. So,
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based on these marketing materials,
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what do we think about this guy?
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Ah, yeah! The J-Man!
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That's why we're all here, right?
I loved him.
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- MODERATOR: Loved him.
- Love him.
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- He was great.
- Yeah, totally, really good.
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To be honest, there was something
a little off about him.
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- MODERATOR: Oh.
- Yeah, he wasn't totally relatable
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- to me personally.
- Mm.
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- Yeah.
- Say more.
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His whole thing is
being good and fair, right?
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So, maybe, like,
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he should be fair...
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and fair-skinned?
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Hm...
MODERATOR: I just wanna make sure I'm, uh,
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getting this right.
You want Jesus to be white?
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- BISHOP: Huh.
- No. That's not what I'm saying.
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Don't you put words in my mouth, lady.
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I wasn't thinking that at all,
but now that you say it...
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- I didn't say it.
- I do think that would be worth trying.
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I think it really makes a lot of sense.
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Yeah, that was a great idea of yours.
You know, you should really give it a try.
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Everyone just keeps saying it's my idea.
It's not my idea.
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- Give it a shot!
- That was a great idea.
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What did we think of his message?
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RED BISHOP:
I mean, the message is great,
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- but... he seemed kinda wimpy.
- Wimpy?
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BISHOP:
Yeah, I mean, he's the son of God,
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but he let them kill him. I mean,
didn't his dad teach him Krav Maga
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or some shit? Like... [grunting]
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Oh. I'm trembling.
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If I was Jesus, there's no way
I'd let that shit happen to me.
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I would fuck those Jews up!
[laughing]
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BISHOP:
Always fuck up the Jews, yeah.
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Well, oh, uh,
you mean the Romans, right?
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What?
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You know, that's a great point.
Who are the bad guys in this story?
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- Right?
- Yeah. I think it's better
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if there's just one bad guy.
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- I agree.
- Yes.
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MODERATOR: Okay, okay.
Would you guys rather have
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the villains be
the Jews or the Romans?
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- ALL: Jews.
- Oh.
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- Make them the Jews, for sure.
- Yeah.
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Th-they run everything.
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You wanna blame them for that?
BISHOP: Yes.
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Okay.
RED BISHOP: Before we go any further,
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can we do the collection basket?
I think that's...
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Oh, yes! Of course.
Here we go.
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- Yes, yes, yes.
- Yes. Great.
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- This looks nice. [laugh]
- Right?
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RED BISHOP:
Mangia, mangia.
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Oh, you're just...
[coins rattling, kissing]
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Money, money, money.
I want that money. [laughs]
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- Hey, hey, don't bogart that basket, pal.
- Alright, alright, alright.
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[bishops laughing]
MODERATOR: Oh, my God,
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you're all gonna roast in Hell.
Every single one of you.
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Let's talk about... Mary Magdalene.
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That really scares me.
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Oh, so hot!
That was the mom, right?
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Nope, the other Mary.
Is that confusing that there's two Marys?
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- Yeah. I missed that.
- Very. Very.
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Oh, you did? So maybe,
we should change it up.
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Do you have a name you
prefer for the other Mary?
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I don't even know if I know
any other women's names.
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I do have one idea,
just to give a little texture.
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- Yes! [laughs]
- It's the year 325.
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- Let's give her a job.
- I love this.
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I would just make her a prostitute.
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Oh.
BISHOP: I think that's good. Yeah.
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I'm saying that as a father of daughters.
I think it's a good thing.
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Honestly, not to pat ourselves
on the back,
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00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:23,972
but I do think we're, uh,
being pretty progressive
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giving Mary a career, right?
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Yes, that is the first...
word I think of
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when I think of all of you,
is progressive.
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We're breaking
the stained glass ceiling.
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MODERATOR: You know what?
I am gonna get all these good thoughts
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to the Pope, he's gonna confer with God,
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and then we are gonna
have a brand new version
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of Christianity coming soon.
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If you do see the Pope,
please tell him I said hi. He's a friend.
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Oh, no. He'd never talk to me
'cause I'm a woman.
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♪ light drumming ♪
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MEL:
"Teddy Roosevelt"
126
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MALE ANNOUNCER: Tired of your pals
calling you a pantywaist?
127
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♪ old-timey music ♪
128
00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:00,843
Gone from fab to flab?
129
00:05:00,843 --> 00:05:02,177
Then, scrooch up...
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00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:05,222
[eagle screeches]
with America's most hard-boiled president.
131
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[clang]
Not that one.
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We're talking about the war hero,
boxing champ,
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00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:12,771
big-game hunting, wilderness exploring,
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00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:15,148
kept giving a speech after getting shot,
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00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:18,151
26th president of these United States...
[bell ringing, whip cracks]
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00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:21,363
Teddy Roosevelt!
[roaring]
137
00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:23,156
It's your boy, T. Rose,
138
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:25,784
the trust-buster and the gut-buster,
139
00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:28,704
and I'm here to get you
absolutely shredded!
140
00:05:28,704 --> 00:05:30,956
MALE ANNOUNCER: With a brand new
series of phonographs
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00:05:30,956 --> 00:05:33,792
for aerobic athletics
and calisthenics,
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where you'll learn to...
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00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:36,378
build muscle!
144
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Roosevelt muscle!
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00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:39,506
[yelling]
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00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:40,632
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Burn fat!
147
00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:42,926
I'm not much of a cardio boy,
148
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,803
but you need to get a sweat going.
149
00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:48,056
So, grab your big stick,
swing it all around
150
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:50,601
and give it seven to 800 swings,
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00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:53,896
or until your rotator cuff
turns to chutney.
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MALE ANNOUNCER:
Self defense!
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Find a monopolist...
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- Hello, sir.
- Oh.
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00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:01,069
...and then, you want
to best him physically.
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00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:02,571
What's that now? Oh!
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00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,115
Your days of hoarding copper are over!
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00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:06,909
MALE ANNOUNCER:
But wait, there's more!
159
00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:08,994
Telegraph now, and get volume two,
160
00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:11,663
T. Rose's Gut Buster Double Trouble,
161
00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:15,250
featuring the president's
own workout partner, Neville.
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00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:17,586
Neville, how many
Australians have you killed?
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00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:19,755
Australians? Several.
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00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:21,673
[both laughing]
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MALE ANNOUNCER:
But wait, there's more! Order now,
166
00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:28,472
and get the president's secret
post-fitness tonic for free!
167
00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:31,683
We have lard butter, clotted cream,
168
00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:35,145
a little bit of suet,
and the blood of one plump rooster
169
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for iron and for flavor.
Here we go.
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Mm.
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Oh!
[stomach gurgling]
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Ah!
MALE ANNOUNCER: Order now. Only 33 cents,
173
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,825
plus shipping and processing.
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♪ jazzy music ♪
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♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪
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♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪
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♪ She's Shirley ♪
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♪ It's been a long, hard road,
but hope was never lost ♪
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00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:04,883
♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's
unbought and unbossed ♪
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00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:07,386
♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
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[audience cheering]
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ANNOUNCER:
Shirley! is brought to you
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00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:13,475
by the actual presidential
candidate Shirley Chisholm,
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00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:16,895
and filmed in front of
a live Black audience.
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00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:18,814
♪ funk music ♪
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00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:21,275
CONRAD: Ho, ho, man.
I can't wait to get to Miami.
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00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:23,986
I'm gonna have myself
a daiquiri and do the samba.
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00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:27,906
And support your wife at
the Democratic National Convention
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00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:30,409
in hopes of her
being elected president?
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00:07:30,409 --> 00:07:33,829
Yeah, and that, too.
[audience laughing]
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00:07:33,829 --> 00:07:36,707
Hey, is that mole on your
face moving around?
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00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:38,667
What mole?
CONRAD: The mole right here.
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Conrad, keep your eyes on the road.
[audience laughing]
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00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,713
FLO: Shirley,
I know you wrote a speech,
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00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:44,715
but have you considered the song that I--
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00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:47,217
I'm not doing a damn song!
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00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,636
[audience laughing]
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00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,638
Oh, look! A churro spot! Should we stop?
199
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,223
BOTH:
Shut up, Conrad.
200
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:56,018
[audience laughing loudly]
201
00:07:56,018 --> 00:07:58,103
Shut up, audience!
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♪ funk music ♪
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00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:04,109
[crowd cheering]
204
00:08:05,027 --> 00:08:06,320
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
205
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:09,364
This is a Howard Cosell impression
reporting live
206
00:08:09,364 --> 00:08:12,159
from the Democratic National Convention.
207
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:14,620
The stars are certainly out
in Miami tonight.
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00:08:15,454 --> 00:08:16,663
[Shirley scoffs]
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00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:19,541
They stuck us in the loser section!
FLO: Mm-hmm.
210
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:22,336
No, they didn't!
Look, there's Rosa Parks.
211
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:25,005
- Where? Ooh!
- Excuse me. Hi, hi.
212
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,799
I am so sorry.
A-a-are you Rosa Parks?
213
00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,259
Yes!
214
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,178
I'm so sorry.
I-I think you're in my seat.
215
00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:33,722
[audience jeering]
216
00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:37,142
I am not doing this shit again.
[audience laughing]
217
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,978
It might take me
a while to get to the stage,
218
00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:42,898
but once they hear my speech,
219
00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:44,483
it will be worth it.
CONRAD/FLO: Mm-hmm.
220
00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:47,945
Hi, Shirley. Sorry, Muskie
ran along with his impressions,
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00:08:47,945 --> 00:08:49,238
so we had to cut your speech.
222
00:08:49,613 --> 00:08:52,366
But thank you for stopping by.
223
00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:55,327
[audience awwing]
224
00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:00,082
I thought we had a chance to win,
225
00:09:00,082 --> 00:09:03,418
but clearly, they didn't take me
or my campaign seriously!
226
00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:06,296
Well, Shirley, baby,
they may not take you seriously,
227
00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:08,632
- but we do.
- Mm-hmm.
228
00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:11,218
And we are here for you no matter what.
229
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,219
- CONRAD: Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
230
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,138
It means so much that
you're sticking by my side.
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00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:17,724
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Is-is that Diana Ross?
232
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,601
[audience laughing]
Ms. Ross! Ms. Ross!
233
00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:22,062
Those other Supremes ain't shit!
234
00:09:23,522 --> 00:09:27,192
As long as my husband
is with me, I'll be fine.
235
00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:29,570
- I'm sorry, baby.
- It's okay.
236
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:31,572
No, I'm sorry.
There's a churro guy down there,
237
00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:33,532
and I've always wanted to have a churro!
238
00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,492
Amigo! Right over here. Hola!
239
00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:37,244
[audience laughing]
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00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:40,038
Well, I guess I won't be
needing this speech anymore.
241
00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:42,499
MAN: Shirley Chisholm?
242
00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:43,876
Oh, now what?
243
00:09:43,876 --> 00:09:46,712
[audience cheers]
[bell rings]
244
00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:48,172
Muhammad Ali?!
245
00:09:48,172 --> 00:09:50,465
Where? Oh.
246
00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:51,758
Yeah, that's me.
247
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:54,761
And you are someone I greatly admire.
248
00:09:55,554 --> 00:09:56,930
Really?
[audience laughing]
249
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,182
So when are you getting up there?
250
00:09:58,182 --> 00:10:00,726
Apparently never, champ.
251
00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:02,853
Might be time for me
to throw in the towel.
252
00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:06,481
In this country, you can do
anything you set your mind to.
253
00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:09,276
Except dodging the draft.
You will go to jail for that.
254
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:12,029
[audience laughing]
So, get up off the mat.
255
00:10:12,029 --> 00:10:13,572
Just go up there
and tell 'em who you are.
256
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:17,159
Well, I am who I am.
257
00:10:17,159 --> 00:10:20,537
I am unbought and unbossed!
258
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:21,914
- [audience cheering]
- That's it.
259
00:10:21,914 --> 00:10:25,042
That's it! Now, get up there
and tell them that.
260
00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:27,002
Alright! Thanks, champ!
261
00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:29,171
Knock 'em dead.
[audience cheering]
262
00:10:29,171 --> 00:10:30,339
Hey.
263
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,258
You the fellow that kicked
Rosa Parks outta her seat?
264
00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:35,344
Uh, w-well, it's just
that I'm an a-aisle guy--
265
00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:36,887
Yeah, I'ma need to see you
in the parking lot.
266
00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:38,138
[audience laughing]
Come on.
267
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,224
♪ jazzy music ♪
268
00:10:47,231 --> 00:10:48,857
♪ cinematic music ♪
269
00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:50,442
♪ Middle Eastern vocalizing ♪
270
00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:53,820
MOVIE ANNOUNCER:
In a world where greed is good,
271
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,823
and God is as good as dead.
[jingling]
272
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:59,201
Jesus is gathering his forces.
273
00:10:59,201 --> 00:11:00,452
He's becoming more powerful.
274
00:11:00,452 --> 00:11:02,162
SOLDIER:
Cancel him, Judas.
275
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,956
♪ epic music ♪
276
00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:06,959
MOVIE ANNOUNCER:
Bear witness to the journey of a man
277
00:11:06,959 --> 00:11:09,586
who's run out of cheeks to turn.
278
00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:13,549
Jesus, the apostles need you
for one last mission.
279
00:11:14,383 --> 00:11:16,426
Mark, my savior days are over.
280
00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:19,680
You know who else's days are over?
John the Baptist.
281
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,306
♪ dramatic music ♪
282
00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:22,808
Dad damn it.
283
00:11:22,808 --> 00:11:27,437
MOVIE ANNOUNCER: A journey that took him
from the mother he loved.
284
00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:29,731
MOTHER MARY:
Son, this was your father's.
285
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:30,983
I never knew my father.
286
00:11:30,983 --> 00:11:32,067
Neither did I.
287
00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:34,069
Because you're a virgin, right, Mommy?
288
00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:36,822
Oh yeah.
Totally a virgin, yeah.
289
00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:38,448
Never had sex.
290
00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:42,828
MOVIE ANNOUNCER:
And the love he could not return.
291
00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:45,831
Mary Magdalene, I came to check on you
and make sure you're safe.
292
00:11:45,831 --> 00:11:47,416
I'm safe now that you're here.
293
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,128
- I can't.
- But I won't charge you,
294
00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,546
even though I'm a prostitute.
295
00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:55,340
Who's also the best
computer hacker in Jerusalem.
296
00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:56,133
♪ rock music ♪
297
00:11:56,133 --> 00:11:58,343
The Romans are 30 klicks away
and moving fast.
298
00:11:58,343 --> 00:11:59,720
I'll be back.
299
00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:02,472
In three days.
300
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:04,474
Vamonos.
301
00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,810
[vocalizing prayer]
302
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,855
Was that other guy here the whole time?
303
00:12:09,855 --> 00:12:11,315
That's fucking creepy.
304
00:12:11,315 --> 00:12:12,983
JESUS:
Apostles assemble.
305
00:12:12,983 --> 00:12:14,776
♪ Back in Black by AC/DC ♪
ANNOUNCER: It's Jesus
306
00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:17,070
as our white God intended.
307
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,239
Blonde, blue-eyed,
308
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,241
and fuckin' ripped.
309
00:12:22,201 --> 00:12:23,660
[crowd chatter]
MAN: Get lost, Jesus.
310
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,662
We're lending money,
311
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:27,831
in a temple, at exorbitant rates!
312
00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:29,833
[gun cocks]
313
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,001
Oy, gevalt!
314
00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:33,795
[yelling]
[shooting]
315
00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:35,964
♪ rock music ♪
316
00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:38,300
[grunting]
317
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:41,803
[slow motion shooting]
318
00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:44,264
Ha...
319
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:45,516
...llelujah.
320
00:12:45,516 --> 00:12:47,017
[birds cawing]
321
00:12:47,017 --> 00:12:49,478
MOVIE ANNOUNCER:
And when all is lost...
322
00:12:49,478 --> 00:12:50,521
Goodbye.
323
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,357
♪ Back in Black resumes ♪
324
00:12:53,357 --> 00:12:56,610
MOVIE ANNOUNCER:
...a new type of hero is found.
325
00:12:56,610 --> 00:12:57,611
Miss me?
326
00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:58,862
You're alive!
327
00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:00,614
I came back because I left something.
328
00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:02,699
- W-what?
- Your sins.
329
00:13:05,369 --> 00:13:08,372
[medallion whirring]
330
00:13:09,540 --> 00:13:11,959
[blasting]
331
00:13:13,335 --> 00:13:16,839
MOVIE ANNOUNCER: This Christmas,
get saved or go to Hell.
332
00:13:18,257 --> 00:13:22,219
[metallic thud]
JC Resurrection.
333
00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:25,514
- [zooming]
- Wow. Jesus is bussin'!
334
00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:27,641
You're right. He is bussin'.
335
00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:29,476
Jesus action figure?!
336
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:33,480
This is the best toy in
the History of the World, Part II!
337
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,148
Pew, pew, pew.
338
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,984
[all laughing, cheering]
339
00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:38,068
That's it.
340
00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:39,945
- Are you kidding me?
- That's the money.
341
00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:41,572
- Wow.
- I feel like I don't need to ask,
342
00:13:41,572 --> 00:13:43,490
but I will anyway.
How's everyone feeling
343
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:46,618
about this new version of Christianity?
[overlapping cheers]
344
00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:50,247
I mean, I love that! I mean,
we got ourselves a franchise here!
345
00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:53,208
I mean, that is a four-quadrant
movie for sure.
346
00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,502
Think of the merchandising
opportunities alone.
347
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:58,130
- Also, uh, kinda hot, right?
- Oh, my God.
348
00:13:58,130 --> 00:14:00,424
He was hot, he was jacked,
he was Caucasian,
349
00:14:00,424 --> 00:14:02,301
he was just like me.
Totally relatable!
350
00:14:02,301 --> 00:14:04,595
Well, I guess we gave you
everything you wanted.
351
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:07,097
It's always great when it works out
352
00:14:07,097 --> 00:14:08,765
for white men in power. [laughs]
353
00:14:09,308 --> 00:14:11,768
Yeah, it really is. It really is.
354
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:14,563
I don't know how I'll sleep at night,
but it's fine.
355
00:14:14,563 --> 00:14:17,441
Oh, and don't forget
to get your items from the hat check
356
00:14:17,441 --> 00:14:19,568
on your way out. Okay?
357
00:14:19,568 --> 00:14:21,612
Oh, lost my ticket.
I don't have my ticket,
358
00:14:21,612 --> 00:14:23,071
but I have-- It's that one right there.
359
00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:25,824
BISHOPS [overlapping]: And this is yours.
And this is yours.
360
00:14:25,824 --> 00:14:28,327
And this is yours. And this is yours.
And this is yours. And this is yours.
361
00:14:28,327 --> 00:14:30,621
I'm sorry, you made a mistake.
This is yours.
362
00:14:30,621 --> 00:14:33,916
BISHOPS:
And this is yours. And this is yours...
363
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:36,126
That's not mine.
Oh, that's mine. That's mine.
364
00:14:36,126 --> 00:14:39,046
No. You have mine right there.
That's mine. There it is. Okay.
365
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:41,089
RED BISHOP:
And may I get my staff, please?
366
00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,758
I wish I could tip,
but I only have big stuff,
367
00:14:42,758 --> 00:14:44,259
so I'll get you next time.
368
00:14:48,597 --> 00:14:52,976
♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
369
00:14:52,976 --> 00:14:54,978
[crowd cheering]
370
00:14:54,978 --> 00:14:56,605
COSELL IMPERSONATOR:
It looks like the big winner
371
00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:57,898
is the Motor from South Dakota.
372
00:14:57,898 --> 00:14:59,942
It's over. It's over.
373
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:03,070
But wait, what do we have here?
Ms. Chisholm?
374
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,614
Outta my way, Monday night goofball!
375
00:15:05,614 --> 00:15:07,783
- [audience laughing]
- Ouch.
376
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:12,037
[on speaker]: Good evening, delegates.
Thank you for having me.
377
00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,956
[indistinct chattering]
378
00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:15,332
Can you hear me?
379
00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:20,254
[sighs] Alright. Let's try this.
380
00:15:21,547 --> 00:15:23,507
One, two, three, four!
381
00:15:23,507 --> 00:15:25,926
♪ funky crescendo ♪
382
00:15:25,926 --> 00:15:27,970
Mm... Hit me!
383
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:29,346
♪ brassy funk ♪
384
00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:32,266
Woo! Can you feel it?
385
00:15:32,266 --> 00:15:34,893
This is wildly out of character
for my wife.
386
00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:36,103
[audience laughs]
387
00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,689
♪ This country needs some
disruption to the corruption ♪
388
00:15:38,689 --> 00:15:39,773
♪ Too much corruption ♪
389
00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:42,776
♪ That White House could use
some Black to cure its blues ♪
390
00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:44,069
♪ Ooh-ho-ho-ho ♪
391
00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:46,071
♪ In the ass, we're gonna kick it ♪
392
00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:48,323
♪ With this sister on the ticket ♪
393
00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:51,326
♪ Honey, get with Mama Shirley,
and you can't lose ♪
394
00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:52,327
♪ Baby, you can't lose ♪
395
00:15:52,327 --> 00:15:55,539
♪ I'm fed up with all the jive
and exploitation ♪
396
00:15:56,582 --> 00:15:59,209
♪ Let them threaten, let them bully,
I don't scare ♪
397
00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:01,128
♪ She don't scare ♪
398
00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:02,671
♪ I don't play nobody's fool ♪
399
00:16:02,671 --> 00:16:05,048
♪ I take them white boys all to school ♪
400
00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:07,009
♪ They don't give me a seat at the table ♪
401
00:16:07,009 --> 00:16:08,969
♪ I'm gonna bring a folding chair ♪
402
00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:11,930
♪ She's unbought and unbossed ♪
403
00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,348
♪ I'm incorruptible ♪
404
00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:16,185
♪ Unvarnished and unglossed ♪
405
00:16:16,185 --> 00:16:17,644
♪ I'm indestructible ♪
406
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,439
♪ Unbought and unbossed ♪
407
00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:22,983
♪ Yeah, that's right,
I won't relax, I won't relent ♪
408
00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:25,569
♪ I'm gonna be the first Black woman ♪
409
00:16:25,569 --> 00:16:27,946
♪ President! ♪
410
00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:31,825
[confetti pops]
[cheering and applause]
411
00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:33,410
Thank you, delegates!
412
00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:35,954
Get on the Chisholm Express '72!
413
00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:38,707
♪ jazzy music ♪
414
00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:42,377
♪ I'm unbought and unbossed ♪
415
00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:44,171
[audience laughing]
Ooh-woo!
416
00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:47,049
Oh, Mom, you made me a cake?
417
00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:48,634
Oh no, baby.
418
00:16:48,634 --> 00:16:49,968
That's store-bought.
419
00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:51,386
You came in fourth.
420
00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:53,514
[audience laughing]
421
00:16:53,514 --> 00:16:56,016
I thought I was gonna
get to do a musical number.
422
00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:58,143
I've been pitching that for four episodes.
423
00:16:58,143 --> 00:16:59,686
[audience laughing]
424
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,147
But you know what, baby?
Don't feel bad. You did great.
425
00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:05,025
And we got a free trip to Miami out of it.
And you know what?
426
00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:08,695
You have opened up doors
for generations to come.
427
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,532
Oh, Conrad, that's
the dumbest shit you've ever said.
428
00:17:11,532 --> 00:17:12,908
[audience laughing]
429
00:17:12,908 --> 00:17:14,201
And that's saying somethin'.
430
00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:15,661
Oh, come on now.
431
00:17:16,328 --> 00:17:19,164
No, but really, baby. You didn't win,
432
00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:22,709
but you opened doors
for generations to come.
433
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,962
Oh, Mama!
[laughs]
434
00:17:24,962 --> 00:17:26,338
[audience aww's]
435
00:17:26,338 --> 00:17:28,257
Fuck that, man! I just said that!
436
00:17:28,257 --> 00:17:30,551
SHIRLEY/FLO:
Shut up, Conrad.
437
00:17:30,551 --> 00:17:32,636
[audience laughing]
438
00:17:32,636 --> 00:17:34,638
Shut up, Conrad! [laughing]
439
00:17:34,638 --> 00:17:36,390
Okay. [laughs] Okay, okay.
440
00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:38,767
You know what? Fuck y'all!
441
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:41,603
Only reason I did this TV show
was to help out your campaign,
442
00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:43,146
and all I do is get treated like shit!
443
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:44,398
Man, I'm outta here!
444
00:17:44,398 --> 00:17:45,941
♪ theme playing ♪
I'ma do my own TV show!
445
00:17:45,941 --> 00:17:47,901
You know what, it's gonna be
about something I care about.
446
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,611
It's gonna be about law and order!
447
00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:50,863
Now, I don't know what I'ma call it,
448
00:17:50,863 --> 00:17:52,990
but it's gonna have
a cool transition, like, "dun dun!"
449
00:17:52,990 --> 00:17:55,158
And it's gonna be the best! The best!
450
00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:56,535
♪
451
00:17:56,535 --> 00:17:59,371
A Black woman will become president
before that show ever works.
452
00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:02,291
[audience laughing]
453
00:18:02,291 --> 00:18:03,959
Can I have a piece of cake before I go?
454
00:18:03,959 --> 00:18:05,127
Fuck you.
455
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:08,130
[audience laughing]
456
00:18:13,177 --> 00:18:15,179
MEL:
Wait! Where are you going?
457
00:18:15,179 --> 00:18:16,597
Coming soon,
458
00:18:16,597 --> 00:18:20,267
Don't miss History of the World, Part II,
459
00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:21,977
season two.
460
00:18:21,977 --> 00:18:25,856
See... "The Great Fascist Bake Off."
461
00:18:25,856 --> 00:18:28,525
MALE JUDGE:
Idi Amin, your cake fell flat, mate.
462
00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:31,361
I thought killing the other contestants
would give me an edge,
463
00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:33,572
but there are no shortcuts in baking.
464
00:18:34,573 --> 00:18:36,575
MEL:
See... "The Dust Bowl."
465
00:18:36,575 --> 00:18:37,910
[wind blowing]
[newsreel running]
466
00:18:37,910 --> 00:18:39,786
REPORTER:
And it's a fumble! Oklahoma recovers,
467
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:42,080
or maybe Kansas does.
And they take it to the 10,
468
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,707
to the five, touchdown Kansas!
469
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:45,501
Or Oklahoma! Who knows?
[crowd cheering]
470
00:18:45,501 --> 00:18:48,045
I can't see shit! It's too dusty!
471
00:18:48,045 --> 00:18:49,046
♪ dramatic sting ♪
472
00:18:49,046 --> 00:18:52,799
MEL:
See... "Jews in Space"
473
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:57,095
[lasers blasting]
[zooming]
474
00:18:57,095 --> 00:18:59,014
MAN: Captain Mudman,
we're in a bit of a pickle!
475
00:18:59,014 --> 00:19:00,641
I know, it's a real half-sour.
476
00:19:00,641 --> 00:19:02,935
Lieutenantman Silverman,
give us a status update.
477
00:19:02,935 --> 00:19:04,686
I'm single, but looking!
478
00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:07,356
Well, we're doing an event
in the JCC Saturn this weekend.
479
00:19:07,356 --> 00:19:08,440
- Ooh.
- I know there'll be
480
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:11,360
a wonderful guy there for you,
but I mean a status update on the ship!
481
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:14,196
Oh, I can't operate anything
until sundown,
482
00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:16,365
which, in space, who can tell?
Best I do nothing.
483
00:19:16,365 --> 00:19:18,450
Fair enough. Borowitz, report!
484
00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:20,953
Captain, the weapons system
is loxed and loaded,
485
00:19:21,537 --> 00:19:23,330
but I got no schmear.
MUDMAN: What?!
486
00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:24,248
Joot!
487
00:19:24,248 --> 00:19:26,166
JOOT:
I am Joot.
488
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,418
You were supposed to bring
the cream cheese!
489
00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:30,003
JOOT:
I am Joot!
490
00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:31,129
I don't understand.
491
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,299
The deli was closed yesterday.
[Mudman groans]
492
00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:37,636
Dr. Kaufmanberg, do you have
the results of my colonoscopy?
493
00:19:37,636 --> 00:19:39,221
Yes, Captain, and it's not good.
494
00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:40,806
You have ass-teroids.
495
00:19:40,806 --> 00:19:42,266
Oh, no, ass-teroids!
496
00:19:42,266 --> 00:19:44,560
[drops character]:
Wait, Wanda, can you be in this sketch?
497
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:45,936
I'm an executive producer.
498
00:19:45,936 --> 00:19:47,354
Oh, okay, so you're basically Jewish.
499
00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:48,480
Mm.
500
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,482
♪ dramatic music ♪
501
00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:52,234
Captain, we're being boarded!
502
00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:53,694
Hopefully by a doctor.
503
00:19:53,694 --> 00:19:56,363
At this hour? Dayenu. Okay!
504
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:59,116
Uh, Dr. Kaufmanberg, you want to, uh...
505
00:19:59,116 --> 00:20:01,368
I know, I know. I go first.
506
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,203
- Thank you, Doctor.
- Thank you.
507
00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:05,289
[doors whirring]
508
00:20:05,289 --> 00:20:07,624
[alarm blaring]
509
00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:08,625
[zap]
510
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,627
[whirring]
511
00:20:11,587 --> 00:20:12,588
[Mudman gasps]
512
00:20:12,588 --> 00:20:16,049
It's the most powerful
Jewish person in the universe,
513
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:17,301
Jesus Christ!
514
00:20:17,301 --> 00:20:20,262
MEL:
Well, the second most powerful.
515
00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:22,556
Also, I brought cream cheese.
516
00:20:22,556 --> 00:20:24,474
[all cheer]
517
00:20:24,474 --> 00:20:26,768
BOROWITZ: It's Mel Brooks!
KAUFMANBERG: Oh, he looks great!
518
00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:29,771
♪ epic theme plays ♪
519
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:40,282
♪
520
00:21:38,841 --> 00:21:40,342
[fart]
37669
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