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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:03,045 [BRIGHT, UPBEAT MUSIC] 2 00:00:03,045 --> 00:00:05,214 MEL BROOKS: "The Fall of the Berlin Wall". 3 00:00:05,214 --> 00:00:06,465 [CROWD CHEERING] 4 00:00:06,465 --> 00:00:10,052 GERMAN MAN: People here have been living with the wall since 1961, 5 00:00:10,052 --> 00:00:12,054 and now, it's time to break the wall down, you know? 6 00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:13,764 [CHISELING] 7 00:00:13,764 --> 00:00:16,225 Smash harder, Hans! The other side of this wall is freedom! 8 00:00:16,225 --> 00:00:18,894 - A new life for us awaits. [LAUGHS] - Yes! 9 00:00:18,894 --> 00:00:21,480 - Hans, I have to tell you something. - Ja. 10 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:22,731 - I'm pregnant! - What? 11 00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:23,732 With your child! 12 00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:24,858 - Mine? - Yes. 13 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:26,068 But, how... 14 00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:27,236 With your penis. 15 00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:28,904 Mein Gott, that's amazing! 16 00:00:28,904 --> 00:00:30,989 Our baby will be born in a free world! 17 00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:33,617 - With blue jeans on. - [BOTH LAUGHING] 18 00:00:33,617 --> 00:00:35,786 - [HANS GRUNTING] - Oh. 19 00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,996 [YELLING] 20 00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:40,040 On the other side of this wall, 21 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,125 there will be McDonald's everywhere! 22 00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:43,794 GRETA: What a momentous day! 23 00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:45,254 [BOTH LAUGHING] 24 00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:46,964 Wrong wall. 25 00:00:47,339 --> 00:00:49,299 - O... oh, so sorry. - Oh. 26 00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:51,426 No, no, it happens all the time. 27 00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:53,804 - Sorry. - Auf wiedersehn. 28 00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:54,805 Oh no! 29 00:00:54,805 --> 00:00:57,808 [EPIC THEME PLAYS] 30 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,730 MEL: History of The World, Part II! 31 00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:14,741 MEL: "The Story of Jesus, the Council of Nicaea" 32 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:16,034 ♪ 33 00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:18,996 In the year 325, the church gathered 34 00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:22,624 their most powerful bishops at the Council of Nicaea 35 00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:26,086 in order to solidify the story of Jesus. 36 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:27,171 Their goal? 37 00:01:27,171 --> 00:01:31,008 To make the Bible an international blockbuster. 38 00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:33,459 [THICK MIDWESTERN ACCENT]: Now, we are very familiar 39 00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:34,720 with the story of Jesus, 40 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,722 so let's just jump right into it. How about that? 41 00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:38,307 - MAN: Great. - MODERATOR: Okay. So, 42 00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:40,726 based on these marketing materials, 43 00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:42,978 what do we think about this guy? 44 00:01:42,978 --> 00:01:44,980 Ah, yeah! The J-Man! 45 00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:46,857 That's why we're all here, right? I loved him. 46 00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:47,858 - MODERATOR: Loved him. - Love him. 47 00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:50,152 - He was great. - Yeah, totally, really good. 48 00:01:50,152 --> 00:01:52,237 To be honest, there was something a little off about him. 49 00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:55,032 - MODERATOR: Oh. - Yeah, he wasn't totally relatable 50 00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:56,450 - to me personally. - Mm. 51 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:59,203 - Yeah. - Say more. 52 00:01:59,203 --> 00:02:02,915 His whole thing is being good and fair, right? 53 00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:05,167 So, maybe, like, 54 00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:07,252 he should be fair... 55 00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:09,838 and fair-skinned? 56 00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:12,174 - Hm... - MODERATOR: I just wanna make sure I'm, uh, 57 00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:15,135 getting this right. You want Jesus to be white? 58 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:18,555 - BISHOP: Huh. - No. That's not what I'm saying. 59 00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:21,058 Don't you put words in my mouth, lady. 60 00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:24,019 I wasn't thinking that at all, but now that you say it... 61 00:02:24,019 --> 00:02:27,189 - I didn't say it. - I do think that would be worth trying. 62 00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:28,482 I think it really makes a lot of sense. 63 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:29,650 Yeah, that was a great idea of yours. 64 00:02:29,651 --> 00:02:31,151 You know, you should really give it a try. 65 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,071 Everyone just keeps saying it's my idea. It's not my idea. 66 00:02:34,071 --> 00:02:36,073 - Give it a shot! - That was a great idea. 67 00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:39,117 What did we think of his message? 68 00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:40,452 RED BISHOP: I mean, the message is great, 69 00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:43,789 - but... he seemed kinda wimpy. - Wimpy? 70 00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:45,457 BISHOP: Yeah, I mean, he's the son of God, 71 00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:48,377 but he let them kill him. I mean, didn't his dad teach him Krav Maga 72 00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:50,838 or some shit? Like... [GRUNTING] 73 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,673 Oh. I'm trembling. 74 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:55,467 If I was Jesus, there's no way I'd let that shit happen to me. 75 00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:59,137 - I would fuck those Jews up! - [LAUGHING] 76 00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:00,848 BISHOP: Always fuck up the Jews, yeah. 77 00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:03,642 Well, oh, uh, you mean the Romans, right? 78 00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:04,768 What? 79 00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:07,271 You know, that's a great point. Who are the bad guys in this story? 80 00:03:07,271 --> 00:03:09,064 - Right? - Yeah. I think it's better 81 00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:10,674 if there's just one bad guy. 82 00:03:10,674 --> 00:03:11,733 - I agree. - Yes. 83 00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:13,485 MODERATOR: Okay, okay. Would you guys rather have 84 00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:15,821 the villains be the Jews or the Romans? 85 00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:16,905 - ALL: Jews. - Oh. 86 00:03:16,905 --> 00:03:18,407 - Make them the Jews, for sure. - Yeah. 87 00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:19,575 Th-they run everything. 88 00:03:19,575 --> 00:03:21,451 - You wanna blame them for that? - BISHOP: Yes. 89 00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:22,953 - Okay. - RED BISHOP: Before we go any further, 90 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:25,831 can we do the collection basket? I think that's... 91 00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:28,166 Oh, yes! Of course. Here we go. 92 00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:29,835 - Yes, yes, yes. - Yes. Great. 93 00:03:29,835 --> 00:03:31,545 - This looks nice. [LAUGH] - Right? 94 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:32,921 RED BISHOP: Mangia, mangia. 95 00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:34,631 - Oh, you're just... - [COINS RATTLING, KISSING] 96 00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:38,218 Money, money, money. I want that money. [LAUGHS] 97 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:41,263 - Hey, hey, don't bogart that basket, pal. - All right, all right, all right. 98 00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:42,723 - [BISHOPS LAUGHING] - MODERATOR: Oh, my God, 99 00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:45,726 you're all gonna roast in Hell. Every single one of you. 100 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:49,605 Let's talk about... Mary Magdalene. 101 00:03:49,605 --> 00:03:50,981 That really scares me. 102 00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:53,650 Oh, so hot! That was the mom, right? 103 00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:56,445 Nope, the other Mary. Is that confusing that there's two Marys? 104 00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:58,780 - Yeah. I missed that. - Very. Very. 105 00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:01,200 Oh, you did? So maybe, we should change it up. 106 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,118 Do you have a name you prefer for the other Mary? 107 00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:05,537 I don't even know if I know any other women's names. 108 00:04:05,537 --> 00:04:08,207 I do have one idea, just to give a little texture. 109 00:04:08,207 --> 00:04:10,083 - Yes! [LAUGHS] - It's the year 325. 110 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,294 - Let's give her a job. - I love this. 111 00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:14,254 I would just make her a prostitute. 112 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,465 - Oh. - BISHOP: I think that's good. Yeah. 113 00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:18,800 I'm saying that as a father of daughters. I think it's a good thing. 114 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,428 Honestly, not to pat ourselves on the back, 115 00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:23,972 but I do think we're, uh, being pretty progressive 116 00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:25,307 giving Mary a career, right? 117 00:04:25,307 --> 00:04:27,601 Yes, that is the first... word I think of 118 00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,978 when I think of all of you, is progressive. 119 00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:31,939 We're breaking the stained glass ceiling. 120 00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,233 MODERATOR: You know what? I am gonna get all these good thoughts 121 00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:36,401 to the Pope, he's gonna confer with God, 122 00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:38,070 and then we are gonna have a brand new version 123 00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:39,988 of Christianity coming soon. 124 00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:42,282 If you do see the Pope, please tell him I said hi. He's a friend. 125 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:45,244 Oh, no. He'd never talk to me 'cause I'm a woman. 126 00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:50,624 [LIGHT DRUMMING] 127 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,626 MEL: "Teddy Roosevelt" 128 00:04:54,545 --> 00:04:56,880 MALE ANNOUNCER: Tired of your pals calling you a pantywaist? 129 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:58,340 [OLD-TIMEY MUSIC] 130 00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:00,843 Gone from fab to flab? 131 00:05:00,843 --> 00:05:02,177 Then, scrooch up... 132 00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:05,222 [EAGLE SCREECHES] with America's most hard-boiled president. 133 00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:07,182 [CLANG] Not that one. 134 00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:09,768 We're talking about the war hero, boxing champ, 135 00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:12,771 big-game hunting, wilderness exploring, 136 00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:15,148 kept giving a speech after getting shot, 137 00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:18,151 - 26th president of these United States... - [BELL RINGING, WHIP CRACKS] 138 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:21,363 - Teddy Roosevelt! - [ROARING] 139 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:23,156 It's your boy, T. Rose, 140 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:25,784 the trust-buster and the gut-buster, 141 00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:28,704 and I'm here to get you absolutely shredded! 142 00:05:28,704 --> 00:05:30,956 MALE ANNOUNCER: With a brand new series of phonographs 143 00:05:30,956 --> 00:05:33,792 for aerobic athletics and calisthenics, 144 00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:35,210 where you'll learn to... 145 00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:36,378 build muscle! 146 00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:38,046 Roosevelt muscle! 147 00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:39,506 [YELLING] 148 00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:40,632 MALE ANNOUNCER: Burn fat! 149 00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:42,926 I'm not much of a cardio boy, 150 00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,803 but you need to get a sweat going. 151 00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:48,056 So, grab your big stick, swing it all around 152 00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:50,601 and give it seven to 800 swings, 153 00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:53,896 or until your rotator cuff turns to chutney. 154 00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:55,063 MALE ANNOUNCER: Self defense! 155 00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:56,356 Find a monopolist... 156 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:57,858 - Hello, sir. - Oh. 157 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:01,069 ... and then, you want to best him physically. 158 00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:02,571 What's that now? Oh! 159 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,115 Your days of hoarding copper are over! 160 00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:06,909 MALE ANNOUNCER: But wait, there's more! 161 00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:08,994 Telegraph now, and get volume two, 162 00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:11,663 T. Rose's Gut Buster Double Trouble, 163 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:15,250 featuring the president's own workout partner, Neville. 164 00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:17,586 Neville, how many Australians have you killed? 165 00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:19,755 Australians? Several. 166 00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:21,673 [BOTH LAUGHING] 167 00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:24,510 MALE ANNOUNCER: But wait, there's more! Order now, 168 00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:28,472 and get the president's secret post-fitness tonic for free! 169 00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:31,683 We have lard butter, clotted cream, 170 00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:35,145 a little bit of suet, and the blood of one plump rooster 171 00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:38,649 for iron and for flavor. Here we go. 172 00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:41,109 Mm. 173 00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:42,986 Oh! [STOMACH GURGLING] 174 00:06:44,029 --> 00:06:46,573 Ah! MALE ANNOUNCER: Order now. Only 33 cents, 175 00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,825 plus shipping and processing. 176 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:50,994 [JAZZY MUSIC] 177 00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:54,289 ♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪ 178 00:06:54,289 --> 00:06:56,708 ♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪ 179 00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:57,793 ♪ She's Shirley ♪ 180 00:06:57,793 --> 00:07:00,921 ♪ It's been a long, hard road, but hope was never lost ♪ 181 00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:04,883 ♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's unbought and unbossed ♪ 182 00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:07,386 ♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪ 183 00:07:07,386 --> 00:07:08,804 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 184 00:07:08,804 --> 00:07:10,347 ANNOUNCER: Shirley! is brought to you 185 00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:13,475 by the actual presidential candidate Shirley Chisholm, 186 00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:16,895 and filmed in front of a live Black audience. 187 00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:18,814 [FUNK MUSIC] 188 00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:21,275 CONRAD: Ho, ho, man. I can't wait to get to Miami. 189 00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:23,986 I'm gonna have myself a daiquiri and do the samba. 190 00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:27,906 And support your wife at the Democratic National Convention 191 00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:30,409 in hopes of her being elected president? 192 00:07:30,409 --> 00:07:33,829 - Yeah, and that, too. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 193 00:07:33,829 --> 00:07:36,707 Hey, is that mole on your face moving around? 194 00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:38,667 - What mole? - CONRAD: The mole right here. 195 00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:41,128 - Conrad, keep your eyes on the road. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 196 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,713 FLO: Shirley, I know you wrote a speech, 197 00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:44,715 but have you considered the song that I... 198 00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:47,217 I'm not doing a damn song! 199 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,636 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 200 00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,638 Oh, look! A churro spot! Should we stop? 201 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,223 BOTH: Shut up, Conrad. 202 00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:56,018 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING LOUDLY] 203 00:07:56,018 --> 00:07:58,103 Shut up, audience! 204 00:07:58,103 --> 00:08:01,106 [FUNK MUSIC] 205 00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:04,109 [CROWD CHEERING] 206 00:08:05,027 --> 00:08:06,320 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 207 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:09,364 This is a Howard Cosell impression reporting live 208 00:08:09,364 --> 00:08:12,159 from the Democratic National Convention. 209 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:14,620 The stars are certainly out in Miami tonight. 210 00:08:15,454 --> 00:08:16,663 [SHIRLEY SCOFFS] 211 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:19,541 - They stuck us in the loser section! - FLO: Mm-hmm. 212 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:22,336 No, they didn't! Look, there's Rosa Parks. 213 00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:25,005 - Where? Ooh! - Excuse me. Hi, hi. 214 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,799 I am so sorry. A... a-are you Rosa Parks? 215 00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,259 Yes! 216 00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,178 I'm so sorry. I-I think you're in my seat. 217 00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:33,722 [AUDIENCE JEERING] 218 00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:37,142 - I am not doing this shit again. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 219 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,978 It might take me a while to get to the stage, 220 00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:42,898 but once they hear my speech, 221 00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:44,483 - it will be worth it. - CONRAD/FLO: Mm-hmm. 222 00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:47,945 Hi, Shirley. Sorry, Muskie ran along with his impressions, 223 00:08:47,945 --> 00:08:49,238 so we had to cut your speech. 224 00:08:49,613 --> 00:08:52,366 But thank you for stopping by. 225 00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:55,327 [AUDIENCE AWWING] 226 00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:00,082 I thought we had a chance to win, 227 00:09:00,082 --> 00:09:03,418 but clearly, they didn't take me or my campaign seriously! 228 00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:06,296 Well, Shirley, baby, they may not take you seriously, 229 00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:08,632 - but we do. - Mm-hmm. 230 00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:11,218 And we are here for you no matter what. 231 00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,219 - CONRAD: Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm. 232 00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,138 It means so much that you're sticking by my side. 233 00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:17,724 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Is-is that Diana Ross? 234 00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,601 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Ms. Ross! Ms. Ross! 235 00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:22,062 Those other Supremes ain't shit! 236 00:09:23,522 --> 00:09:27,192 As long as my husband is with me, I'll be fine. 237 00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:29,570 - I'm sorry, baby. - It's okay. 238 00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:31,572 No, I'm sorry. There's a churro guy down there, 239 00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:33,532 and I've always wanted to have a churro! 240 00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,492 Amigo! Right over here. Hola! 241 00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:37,244 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 242 00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:40,038 Well, I guess I won't be needing this speech anymore. 243 00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:42,499 MAN: Shirley Chisholm? 244 00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:43,876 Oh, now what? 245 00:09:43,876 --> 00:09:46,712 - [AUDIENCE CHEERS] - [BELL RINGS] 246 00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:48,172 Muhammad Ali?! 247 00:09:48,172 --> 00:09:50,465 Where? Oh. 248 00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:51,758 Yeah, that's me. 249 00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:54,761 And you are someone I greatly admire. 250 00:09:55,554 --> 00:09:56,930 - Really? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 251 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,182 So when are you getting up there? 252 00:09:58,182 --> 00:10:00,726 Apparently never, champ. 253 00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:02,853 Might be time for me to throw in the towel. 254 00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:06,481 In this country, you can do anything you set your mind to. 255 00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:09,276 Except dodging the draft. You will go to jail for that. 256 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:12,029 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - So, get up off the mat. 257 00:10:12,029 --> 00:10:13,572 Just go up there and tell 'em who you are. 258 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:17,159 Well, I am who I am. 259 00:10:17,159 --> 00:10:20,537 I am unbought and unbossed! 260 00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:21,914 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - That's it. 261 00:10:21,914 --> 00:10:25,042 That's it! Now, get up there and tell them that. 262 00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:27,002 All right! Thanks, champ! 263 00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:29,171 - Knock 'em dead. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 264 00:10:29,171 --> 00:10:30,339 Hey. 265 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,258 You the fellow that kicked Rosa Parks outta her seat? 266 00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:35,344 Uh, w-well, it's just that I'm an a-aisle guy... 267 00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:36,887 Yeah, I'ma need to see you in the parking lot. 268 00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:38,138 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Come on. 269 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,224 [JAZZY MUSIC] 270 00:10:47,231 --> 00:10:48,857 [CINEMATIC MUSIC] 271 00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:50,442 [MIDDLE EASTERN VOCALIZIN] 272 00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:53,820 MOVIE ANNOUNCER: In a world where greed is good, 273 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,823 - and God is as good as dead. - [JINGLING] 274 00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:59,201 Jesus is gathering his forces. 275 00:10:59,201 --> 00:11:00,452 He's becoming more powerful. 276 00:11:00,452 --> 00:11:02,162 SOLDIER: Cancel him, Judas. 277 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,956 [EPIC MUSIC] 278 00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:06,959 MOVIE ANNOUNCER: Bear witness to the journey of a man 279 00:11:06,959 --> 00:11:09,586 who's run out of cheeks to turn. 280 00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:13,549 Jesus, the apostles need you for one last mission. 281 00:11:14,383 --> 00:11:16,426 Mark, my savior days are over. 282 00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:19,680 You know who else's days are over? John the Baptist. 283 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,306 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 284 00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:22,808 Dad damn it. 285 00:11:22,808 --> 00:11:27,437 MOVIE ANNOUNCER: A journey that took him from the mother he loved. 286 00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:29,731 MOTHER MARY: Son, this was your father's. 287 00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:30,983 I never knew my father. 288 00:11:30,983 --> 00:11:32,067 Neither did I. 289 00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:34,069 Because you're a virgin, right, Mommy? 290 00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:36,822 Oh yeah. Totally a virgin, yeah. 291 00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:38,448 Never had sex. 292 00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:42,828 MOVIE ANNOUNCER: And the love he could not return. 293 00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:45,831 Mary Magdalene, I came to check on you and make sure you're safe. 294 00:11:45,831 --> 00:11:47,416 I'm safe now that you're here. 295 00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,128 - I can't. - But I won't charge you, 296 00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,546 even though I'm a prostitute. 297 00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:56,133 - Who's also the best computer hacker in Jerusalem. - [ROCK MUSIC] 298 00:11:56,133 --> 00:11:58,343 The Romans are 30 klicks away and moving fast. 299 00:11:58,343 --> 00:11:59,720 I'll be back. 300 00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:02,472 In three days. 301 00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:04,474 Vamonos. 302 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,810 [VOCALIZING PRAYER] 303 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,855 Was that other guy here the whole time? 304 00:12:09,855 --> 00:12:11,315 That's fucking creepy. 305 00:12:11,315 --> 00:12:12,983 JESUS: Apostles assemble. 306 00:12:12,983 --> 00:12:14,776 - [BACK IN BLACK BY AC/DC] - ANNOUNCER: It's Jesus 307 00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:17,070 as our white God intended. 308 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,239 Blonde, blue-eyed, 309 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,241 and fuckin' ripped. 310 00:12:22,201 --> 00:12:23,660 - [CROWD CHATTER] - MAN: Get lost, Jesus. 311 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,662 We're lending money, 312 00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:27,831 in a temple, at exorbitant rates! 313 00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:29,833 [GUN COCKS] 314 00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,001 Oy, gevalt! 315 00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:33,795 - [YELLING] - [SHOOTING] 316 00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:35,964 [ROCK MUSIC] 317 00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:38,300 [GRUNTING] 318 00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:41,803 [SLOW MOTION SHOOTING] 319 00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:44,264 Ha... 320 00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:45,516 ... llelujah. 321 00:12:45,516 --> 00:12:47,017 [BIRDS CAWING] 322 00:12:47,017 --> 00:12:49,478 MOVIE ANNOUNCER: And when all is lost... 323 00:12:49,478 --> 00:12:50,521 Goodbye. 324 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,357 [BACK IN BLACK RESUMES] 325 00:12:53,357 --> 00:12:56,610 MOVIE ANNOUNCER: ... a new type of hero is found. 326 00:12:56,610 --> 00:12:57,611 Miss me? 327 00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:58,862 You're alive! 328 00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:00,614 I came back because I left something. 329 00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:02,699 - W-what? - Your sins. 330 00:13:05,369 --> 00:13:08,372 [MEDALLION WHIRRING] 331 00:13:09,540 --> 00:13:11,959 [BLASTING] 332 00:13:13,335 --> 00:13:16,839 MOVIE ANNOUNCER: This Christmas, get saved or go to Hell. 333 00:13:18,257 --> 00:13:22,219 - [METALLIC THUD] - JC Resurrection. 334 00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:25,514 - [ZOOMING] - Wow. Jesus is bussin'! 335 00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:27,641 You're right. He is bussin'. 336 00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:29,476 Jesus action figure?! 337 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:33,480 This is the best toy in the History of the World, Part II! 338 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,148 Pew, pew, pew. 339 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,984 [ALL LAUGHING, CHEERING] 340 00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:38,068 That's it. 341 00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:39,945 - Are you kidding me? - That's the money. 342 00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:41,572 - Wow. - I feel like I don't need to ask, 343 00:13:41,572 --> 00:13:43,490 but I will anyway. How's everyone feeling 344 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:46,618 - about this new version of Christianity? - [OVERLAPPING CHEERS] 345 00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:50,247 I mean, I love that! I mean, we got ourselves a franchise here! 346 00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:53,208 I mean, that is a four-quadrant movie for sure. 347 00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,502 Think of the merchandising opportunities alone. 348 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:58,130 - Also, uh, kinda hot, right? - Oh, my God. 349 00:13:58,130 --> 00:14:00,424 He was hot, he was jacked, he was Caucasian, 350 00:14:00,424 --> 00:14:02,301 he was just like me. Totally relatable! 351 00:14:02,301 --> 00:14:04,595 Well, I guess we gave you everything you wanted. 352 00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:07,097 It's always great when it works out 353 00:14:07,097 --> 00:14:08,765 for white men in power. [LAUGHS] 354 00:14:09,308 --> 00:14:11,768 Yeah, it really is. It really is. 355 00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:14,563 I don't know how I'll sleep at night, but it's fine. 356 00:14:14,563 --> 00:14:17,441 Oh, and don't forget to get your items from the hat check 357 00:14:17,441 --> 00:14:19,568 on your way out. Okay? 358 00:14:19,568 --> 00:14:21,612 Oh, lost my ticket. I don't have my ticket, 359 00:14:21,612 --> 00:14:23,071 but I have... It's that one right there. 360 00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:25,824 BISHOPS [OVERLAPPING]: And this is yours. And this is yours. 361 00:14:25,824 --> 00:14:27,013 - And this is yours. - And this is yours. 362 00:14:27,014 --> 00:14:28,327 - And this is yours. - And this is yours. 363 00:14:28,327 --> 00:14:30,621 I'm sorry, you made a mistake. This is yours. 364 00:14:30,621 --> 00:14:33,916 - BISHOPS: And this is yours. - And this is yours... 365 00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:36,126 That's not mine. Oh, that's mine. That's mine. 366 00:14:36,126 --> 00:14:39,046 - No. You have mine right there. - That's mine. There it is. Okay. 367 00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:41,089 RED BISHOP: And may I get my staff, please? 368 00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,758 I wish I could tip, but I only have big stuff, 369 00:14:42,758 --> 00:14:44,259 so I'll get you next time. 370 00:14:48,597 --> 00:14:52,976 ♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪ 371 00:14:52,976 --> 00:14:54,978 [CROWD CHEERING] 372 00:14:54,978 --> 00:14:56,605 COSELL IMPERSONATOR: It looks like the big winner 373 00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:57,898 is the Motor from South Dakota. 374 00:14:57,898 --> 00:14:59,942 It's over. It's over. 375 00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:03,070 But wait, what do we have here? Ms. Chisholm? 376 00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,614 Outta my way, Monday night goofball! 377 00:15:05,614 --> 00:15:07,783 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Ouch. 378 00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:12,037 [ON SPEAKER]: Good evening, delegates. Thank you for having me. 379 00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,956 [INDISTINCT CHATTERING] 380 00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:15,332 Can you hear me? 381 00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:20,254 [SIGHS] All right. Let's try this. 382 00:15:21,547 --> 00:15:23,507 One, two, three, four! 383 00:15:23,507 --> 00:15:25,926 [FUNKY CRESCENDO] 384 00:15:25,926 --> 00:15:27,970 Mm... Hit me! 385 00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:29,346 [BRASSY FUNK] 386 00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:32,266 Woo! Can you feel it? 387 00:15:32,266 --> 00:15:34,893 This is wildly out of character for my wife. 388 00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:36,103 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 389 00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,689 ♪ This country needs some disruption to the corruption ♪ 390 00:15:38,689 --> 00:15:39,773 ♪ Too much corruption ♪ 391 00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:42,776 ♪ That White House could use some Black to cure its blues ♪ 392 00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:44,069 ♪ Ooh-ho-ho-ho ♪ 393 00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:46,071 ♪ In the ass, we're gonna kick it ♪ 394 00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:48,323 ♪ With this sister on the ticket ♪ 395 00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:51,326 ♪ Honey, get with Mama Shirley, and you can't lose ♪ 396 00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:52,327 ♪ Baby, you can't lose ♪ 397 00:15:52,327 --> 00:15:55,539 ♪ I'm fed up with all the jive and exploitation ♪ 398 00:15:56,582 --> 00:15:59,209 ♪ Let them threaten, let them bully, I don't scare ♪ 399 00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:01,128 ♪ She don't scare ♪ 400 00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:02,671 ♪ I don't play nobody's fool ♪ 401 00:16:02,671 --> 00:16:05,048 ♪ I take them white boys all to school ♪ 402 00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:07,009 ♪ They don't give me a seat at the table ♪ 403 00:16:07,009 --> 00:16:08,969 ♪ I'm gonna bring a folding chair ♪ 404 00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:11,930 ♪ She's unbought and unbossed ♪ 405 00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,348 ♪ I'm incorruptible ♪ 406 00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:16,185 ♪ Unvarnished and unglossed ♪ 407 00:16:16,185 --> 00:16:17,644 ♪ I'm indestructible ♪ 408 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,439 ♪ Unbought and unbossed ♪ 409 00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:22,983 ♪ Yeah, that's right, I won't relax, I won't relent ♪ 410 00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:25,569 ♪ I'm gonna be the first Black woman ♪ 411 00:16:25,569 --> 00:16:27,946 ♪ President! ♪ 412 00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:31,825 - [CONFETTI POPS] - [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 413 00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:33,410 Thank you, delegates! 414 00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:35,954 Get on the Chisholm Express '72! 415 00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:38,707 [JAZZY MUSIC] 416 00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:42,377 ♪ I'm unbought and unbossed ♪ 417 00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:44,171 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Ooh-woo! 418 00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:47,049 Oh, Mom, you made me a cake? 419 00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:48,634 Oh no, baby. 420 00:16:48,634 --> 00:16:49,968 That's store-bought. 421 00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:51,386 You came in fourth. 422 00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:53,514 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 423 00:16:53,514 --> 00:16:56,016 I thought I was gonna get to do a musical number. 424 00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:58,143 I've been pitching that for four episodes. 425 00:16:58,143 --> 00:16:59,686 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 426 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,147 But you know what, baby? Don't feel bad. You did great. 427 00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:05,025 And we got a free trip to Miami out of it. And you know what? 428 00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:08,695 You have opened up doors for generations to come. 429 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,532 Oh, Conrad, that's the dumbest shit you've ever said. 430 00:17:11,532 --> 00:17:12,908 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 431 00:17:12,908 --> 00:17:14,201 And that's saying somethin'. 432 00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:15,661 Oh, come on now. 433 00:17:16,328 --> 00:17:19,164 No, but really, baby. You didn't win, 434 00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:22,709 but you opened doors for generations to come. 435 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,962 - Oh, Mama! - [LAUGHS] 436 00:17:24,962 --> 00:17:26,338 [AUDIENCE AWW'S] 437 00:17:26,338 --> 00:17:28,257 Fuck that, man! I just said that! 438 00:17:28,257 --> 00:17:30,551 SHIRLEY/FLO: Shut up, Conrad. 439 00:17:30,551 --> 00:17:32,636 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 440 00:17:32,636 --> 00:17:34,638 - Shut up, Conrad! - [LAUGHING] 441 00:17:34,638 --> 00:17:36,390 Okay. [LAUGHS] Okay, okay. 442 00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:38,767 You know what? Fuck y'all! 443 00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:41,603 Only reason I did this TV show was to help out your campaign, 444 00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:43,146 and all I do is get treated like shit! 445 00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:44,398 Man, I'm outta here! 446 00:17:44,398 --> 00:17:45,941 - [THEME PLAYING] - I'ma do my own TV show! 447 00:17:45,941 --> 00:17:47,901 You know what, it's gonna be about something I care about. 448 00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,611 It's gonna be about law and order! 449 00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:50,863 Now, I don't know what I'ma call it, 450 00:17:50,863 --> 00:17:52,990 but it's gonna have a cool transition, like, "dun dun!" 451 00:17:52,990 --> 00:17:55,158 And it's gonna be the best! The best! 452 00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:56,535 ♪ 453 00:17:56,535 --> 00:17:59,371 A Black woman will become president before that show ever works. 454 00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:02,291 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 455 00:18:02,291 --> 00:18:03,959 Can I have a piece of cake before I go? 456 00:18:03,959 --> 00:18:05,127 Fuck you. 457 00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:08,130 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 458 00:18:13,177 --> 00:18:15,179 MEL: Wait! Where are you going? 459 00:18:15,179 --> 00:18:16,597 Coming soon, 460 00:18:16,597 --> 00:18:20,267 Don't miss History of the World, Part II, 461 00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:21,977 season two. 462 00:18:21,977 --> 00:18:25,856 See... "The Great Fascist Bake Off." 463 00:18:25,856 --> 00:18:28,525 MALE JUDGE: Idi Amin, your cake fell flat, mate. 464 00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:31,361 I thought killing the other contestants would give me an edge, 465 00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:33,572 but there are no shortcuts in baking. 466 00:18:34,573 --> 00:18:36,575 MEL: See... "The Dust Bowl." 467 00:18:36,575 --> 00:18:37,910 - [WIND BLOWING] - [NEWSREEL RUNNING] 468 00:18:37,910 --> 00:18:39,786 REPORTER: And it's a fumble! Oklahoma recovers, 469 00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:42,080 or maybe Kansas does. And they take it to the 10, 470 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,707 to the five, touchdown Kansas! 471 00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:45,501 - Or Oklahoma! Who knows? - [CROWD CHEERING] 472 00:18:45,501 --> 00:18:48,045 I can't see shit! It's too dusty! 473 00:18:48,045 --> 00:18:49,046 [DRAMATIC STING] 474 00:18:49,046 --> 00:18:52,799 MEL: See... "Jews in Space" 475 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:57,095 - [LASERS BLASTING] - [ZOOMING] 476 00:18:57,095 --> 00:18:59,014 MAN: Captain Mudman, we're in a bit of a pickle! 477 00:18:59,014 --> 00:19:00,641 I know, it's a real half-sour. 478 00:19:00,641 --> 00:19:02,935 Lieutenantman Silverman, give us a status update. 479 00:19:02,935 --> 00:19:04,686 I'm single, but looking! 480 00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:07,356 Well, we're doing an event in the JCC Saturn this weekend. 481 00:19:07,356 --> 00:19:08,440 - Ooh. - I know there'll be 482 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:11,360 a wonderful guy there for you, but I mean a status update on the ship! 483 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:14,196 Oh, I can't operate anything until sundown, 484 00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:16,365 which, in space, who can tell? Best I do nothing. 485 00:19:16,365 --> 00:19:18,450 Fair enough. Borowitz, report! 486 00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:20,953 Captain, the weapons system is loxed and loaded, 487 00:19:21,537 --> 00:19:23,330 - but I got no schmear. - MUDMAN: What?! 488 00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:26,166 - Joot! - JOOT: I am Joot. 489 00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,418 You were supposed to bring the cream cheese! 490 00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:30,003 JOOT: I am Joot! 491 00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:31,129 I don't understand. 492 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,299 - The deli was closed yesterday. - [MUDMAN GROANS] 493 00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:37,636 Dr. Kaufmanberg, do you have the results of my colonoscopy? 494 00:19:37,636 --> 00:19:39,221 Yes, Captain, and it's not good. 495 00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:40,806 You have ass-teroids. 496 00:19:40,806 --> 00:19:42,266 Oh, no, ass-teroids! 497 00:19:42,266 --> 00:19:44,560 [DROPS CHARACTER]: Wait, Wanda, can you be in this sketch? 498 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:45,936 I'm an executive producer. 499 00:19:45,936 --> 00:19:47,354 Oh, okay, so you're basically Jewish. 500 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:48,480 Mm. 501 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,482 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 502 00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:52,234 Captain, we're being boarded! 503 00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:53,694 Hopefully by a doctor. 504 00:19:53,694 --> 00:19:56,363 At this hour? Dayenu. Okay! 505 00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:59,116 Uh, Dr. Kaufmanberg, you want to, uh... 506 00:19:59,116 --> 00:20:01,368 I know, I know. I go first. 507 00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,203 - Thank you, Doctor. - Thank you. 508 00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:05,289 [DOORS WHIRRING] 509 00:20:05,289 --> 00:20:07,624 [ALARM BLARING] 510 00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:08,625 [ZAP] 511 00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,627 [WHIRRING] 512 00:20:11,587 --> 00:20:12,588 [MUDMAN GASPS] 513 00:20:12,588 --> 00:20:16,049 It's the most powerful Jewish person in the universe, 514 00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:17,301 Jesus Christ! 515 00:20:17,301 --> 00:20:20,262 MEL: Well, the second most powerful. 516 00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:22,556 Also, I brought cream cheese. 517 00:20:22,556 --> 00:20:24,474 [ALL CHEER] 518 00:20:24,474 --> 00:20:26,768 - BOROWITZ: It's Mel Brooks! - KAUFMANBERG: Oh, he looks great! 519 00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:29,771 [EPIC THEME PLAYS] 520 00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:40,282 ♪ 521 00:20:40,283 --> 00:20:45,283 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 522 00:21:38,841 --> 00:21:40,342 [FART] 37631

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