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[BRIGHT, UPBEAT MUSIC]
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00:00:03,045 --> 00:00:05,214
MEL BROOKS:
"The Fall of the Berlin Wall".
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00:00:05,214 --> 00:00:06,465
[CROWD CHEERING]
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00:00:06,465 --> 00:00:10,052
GERMAN MAN: People here have been
living with the wall since 1961,
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00:00:10,052 --> 00:00:12,054
and now, it's time to break
the wall down, you know?
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[CHISELING]
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Smash harder, Hans! The other
side of this wall is freedom!
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- A new life for us awaits. [LAUGHS]
- Yes!
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- Hans, I have to tell you something.
- Ja.
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- I'm pregnant!
- What?
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With your child!
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- Mine?
- Yes.
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But, how...
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With your penis.
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Mein Gott, that's amazing!
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Our baby will be born in a free world!
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- With blue jeans on.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
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- [HANS GRUNTING]
- Oh.
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[YELLING]
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On the other side of this wall,
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there will be McDonald's everywhere!
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GRETA: What a momentous day!
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[BOTH LAUGHING]
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Wrong wall.
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- O... oh, so sorry.
- Oh.
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No, no, it happens all the time.
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- Sorry.
- Auf wiedersehn.
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Oh no!
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[EPIC THEME PLAYS]
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MEL: History of The World, Part II!
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MEL: "The Story of Jesus,
the Council of Nicaea"
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♪
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In the year 325, the church gathered
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their most powerful bishops
at the Council of Nicaea
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in order to solidify the story of Jesus.
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Their goal?
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To make the Bible an
international blockbuster.
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[THICK MIDWESTERN ACCENT]:
Now, we are very familiar
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with the story of Jesus,
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so let's just jump right
into it. How about that?
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- MAN: Great.
- MODERATOR: Okay. So,
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based on these marketing materials,
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what do we think about this guy?
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Ah, yeah! The J-Man!
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That's why we're all
here, right? I loved him.
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- MODERATOR: Loved him.
- Love him.
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- He was great.
- Yeah, totally, really good.
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To be honest, there was something
a little off about him.
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- MODERATOR: Oh.
- Yeah, he wasn't totally relatable
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- to me personally.
- Mm.
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- Yeah.
- Say more.
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His whole thing is being
good and fair, right?
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So, maybe, like,
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he should be fair...
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and fair-skinned?
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- Hm...
- MODERATOR: I just wanna make sure I'm, uh,
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getting this right. You
want Jesus to be white?
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- BISHOP: Huh.
- No. That's not what I'm saying.
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Don't you put words in my mouth, lady.
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I wasn't thinking that at all,
but now that you say it...
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- I didn't say it.
- I do think that would be worth trying.
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I think it really makes a lot of sense.
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Yeah, that was a great idea of yours.
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You know, you should
really give it a try.
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Everyone just keeps saying
it's my idea. It's not my idea.
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- Give it a shot!
- That was a great idea.
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What did we think of his message?
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RED BISHOP: I mean,
the message is great,
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- but... he seemed kinda wimpy.
- Wimpy?
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BISHOP: Yeah, I mean,
he's the son of God,
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but he let them kill him. I mean,
didn't his dad teach him Krav Maga
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or some shit? Like... [GRUNTING]
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Oh. I'm trembling.
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If I was Jesus, there's no way
I'd let that shit happen to me.
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- I would fuck those Jews up!
- [LAUGHING]
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BISHOP: Always fuck up the Jews, yeah.
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Well, oh, uh, you
mean the Romans, right?
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What?
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You know, that's a great point.
Who are the bad guys in this story?
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- Right?
- Yeah. I think it's better
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if there's just one bad guy.
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- I agree.
- Yes.
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MODERATOR: Okay, okay.
Would you guys rather have
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the villains be the Jews or the Romans?
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- ALL: Jews.
- Oh.
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- Make them the Jews, for sure.
- Yeah.
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Th-they run everything.
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- You wanna blame them for that?
- BISHOP: Yes.
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- Okay.
- RED BISHOP: Before we go any further,
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can we do the collection
basket? I think that's...
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Oh, yes! Of course. Here we go.
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- Yes, yes, yes.
- Yes. Great.
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- This looks nice. [LAUGH]
- Right?
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RED BISHOP: Mangia, mangia.
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- Oh, you're just...
- [COINS RATTLING, KISSING]
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Money, money, money. I
want that money. [LAUGHS]
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- Hey, hey, don't bogart that basket, pal.
- All right, all right, all right.
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- [BISHOPS LAUGHING]
- MODERATOR: Oh, my God,
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you're all gonna roast in
Hell. Every single one of you.
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Let's talk about... Mary Magdalene.
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That really scares me.
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00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:53,650
Oh, so hot! That was the mom, right?
103
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:56,445
Nope, the other Mary. Is that
confusing that there's two Marys?
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00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:58,780
- Yeah. I missed that.
- Very. Very.
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Oh, you did? So maybe,
we should change it up.
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Do you have a name you
prefer for the other Mary?
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00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:05,537
I don't even know if I know
any other women's names.
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00:04:05,537 --> 00:04:08,207
I do have one idea, just
to give a little texture.
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- Yes! [LAUGHS]
- It's the year 325.
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- Let's give her a job.
- I love this.
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I would just make her a prostitute.
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- Oh.
- BISHOP: I think that's good. Yeah.
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I'm saying that as a father of
daughters. I think it's a good thing.
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Honestly, not to pat
ourselves on the back,
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00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:23,972
but I do think we're, uh,
being pretty progressive
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00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:25,307
giving Mary a career, right?
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00:04:25,307 --> 00:04:27,601
Yes, that is the
first... word I think of
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00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,978
when I think of all
of you, is progressive.
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We're breaking the
stained glass ceiling.
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MODERATOR: You know what? I am
gonna get all these good thoughts
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to the Pope, he's gonna confer with God,
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and then we are gonna
have a brand new version
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of Christianity coming soon.
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If you do see the Pope, please
tell him I said hi. He's a friend.
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Oh, no. He'd never talk
to me 'cause I'm a woman.
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[LIGHT DRUMMING]
127
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MEL: "Teddy Roosevelt"
128
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MALE ANNOUNCER: Tired of your
pals calling you a pantywaist?
129
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[OLD-TIMEY MUSIC]
130
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Gone from fab to flab?
131
00:05:00,843 --> 00:05:02,177
Then, scrooch up...
132
00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:05,222
[EAGLE SCREECHES] with America's
most hard-boiled president.
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00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:07,182
[CLANG] Not that one.
134
00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:09,768
We're talking about the
war hero, boxing champ,
135
00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:12,771
big-game hunting, wilderness exploring,
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00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:15,148
kept giving a speech
after getting shot,
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- 26th president of these United States...
- [BELL RINGING, WHIP CRACKS]
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- Teddy Roosevelt!
- [ROARING]
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It's your boy, T. Rose,
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00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:25,784
the trust-buster and the gut-buster,
141
00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:28,704
and I'm here to get
you absolutely shredded!
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MALE ANNOUNCER: With a brand
new series of phonographs
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00:05:30,956 --> 00:05:33,792
for aerobic athletics and calisthenics,
144
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where you'll learn to...
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build muscle!
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Roosevelt muscle!
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[YELLING]
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00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:40,632
MALE ANNOUNCER: Burn fat!
149
00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:42,926
I'm not much of a cardio boy,
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00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,803
but you need to get a sweat going.
151
00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:48,056
So, grab your big stick,
swing it all around
152
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:50,601
and give it seven to 800 swings,
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00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:53,896
or until your rotator
cuff turns to chutney.
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MALE ANNOUNCER: Self defense!
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Find a monopolist...
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- Hello, sir.
- Oh.
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... and then, you want
to best him physically.
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00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:02,571
What's that now? Oh!
159
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,115
Your days of hoarding copper are over!
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00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:06,909
MALE ANNOUNCER: But wait, there's more!
161
00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:08,994
Telegraph now, and get volume two,
162
00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:11,663
T. Rose's Gut Buster Double Trouble,
163
00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:15,250
featuring the president's
own workout partner, Neville.
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00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:17,586
Neville, how many
Australians have you killed?
165
00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:19,755
Australians? Several.
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[BOTH LAUGHING]
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MALE ANNOUNCER: But wait,
there's more! Order now,
168
00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:28,472
and get the president's secret
post-fitness tonic for free!
169
00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:31,683
We have lard butter, clotted cream,
170
00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:35,145
a little bit of suet, and
the blood of one plump rooster
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for iron and for flavor. Here we go.
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Mm.
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Oh! [STOMACH GURGLING]
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Ah! MALE ANNOUNCER:
Order now. Only 33 cents,
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00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,825
plus shipping and processing.
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[JAZZY MUSIC]
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♪ From Barbados to
Brooklyn, then to DC ♪
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♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪
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♪ She's Shirley ♪
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♪ It's been a long, hard road,
but hope was never lost ♪
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00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:04,883
♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's
unbought and unbossed ♪
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00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:07,386
♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
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00:07:07,386 --> 00:07:08,804
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
184
00:07:08,804 --> 00:07:10,347
ANNOUNCER: Shirley! is brought to you
185
00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:13,475
by the actual presidential
candidate Shirley Chisholm,
186
00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:16,895
and filmed in front of
a live Black audience.
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[FUNK MUSIC]
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00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:21,275
CONRAD: Ho, ho, man. I
can't wait to get to Miami.
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00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:23,986
I'm gonna have myself a
daiquiri and do the samba.
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And support your wife at the
Democratic National Convention
191
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:30,409
in hopes of her being elected president?
192
00:07:30,409 --> 00:07:33,829
- Yeah, and that, too.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
193
00:07:33,829 --> 00:07:36,707
Hey, is that mole on
your face moving around?
194
00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:38,667
- What mole?
- CONRAD: The mole right here.
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00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:41,128
- Conrad, keep your eyes on the road.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,713
FLO: Shirley, I know you wrote a speech,
197
00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:44,715
but have you considered
the song that I...
198
00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:47,217
I'm not doing a damn song!
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00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,636
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
200
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,638
Oh, look! A churro spot! Should we stop?
201
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,223
BOTH: Shut up, Conrad.
202
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING LOUDLY]
203
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Shut up, audience!
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00:07:58,103 --> 00:08:01,106
[FUNK MUSIC]
205
00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:04,109
[CROWD CHEERING]
206
00:08:05,027 --> 00:08:06,320
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
207
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:09,364
This is a Howard Cosell
impression reporting live
208
00:08:09,364 --> 00:08:12,159
from the Democratic National Convention.
209
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:14,620
The stars are certainly
out in Miami tonight.
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00:08:15,454 --> 00:08:16,663
[SHIRLEY SCOFFS]
211
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:19,541
- They stuck us in the loser section!
- FLO: Mm-hmm.
212
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:22,336
No, they didn't! Look,
there's Rosa Parks.
213
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:25,005
- Where? Ooh!
- Excuse me. Hi, hi.
214
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,799
I am so sorry. A...
a-are you Rosa Parks?
215
00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,259
Yes!
216
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,178
I'm so sorry. I-I
think you're in my seat.
217
00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:33,722
[AUDIENCE JEERING]
218
00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:37,142
- I am not doing this shit again.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
219
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,978
It might take me a while
to get to the stage,
220
00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:42,898
but once they hear my speech,
221
00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:44,483
- it will be worth it.
- CONRAD/FLO: Mm-hmm.
222
00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:47,945
Hi, Shirley. Sorry, Muskie
ran along with his impressions,
223
00:08:47,945 --> 00:08:49,238
so we had to cut your speech.
224
00:08:49,613 --> 00:08:52,366
But thank you for stopping by.
225
00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:55,327
[AUDIENCE AWWING]
226
00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:00,082
I thought we had a chance to win,
227
00:09:00,082 --> 00:09:03,418
but clearly, they didn't take
me or my campaign seriously!
228
00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:06,296
Well, Shirley, baby, they
may not take you seriously,
229
00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:08,632
- but we do.
- Mm-hmm.
230
00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:11,218
And we are here for you no matter what.
231
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,219
- CONRAD: Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
232
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,138
It means so much that
you're sticking by my side.
233
00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:17,724
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Is-is that Diana Ross?
234
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,601
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Ms. Ross! Ms. Ross!
235
00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:22,062
Those other Supremes ain't shit!
236
00:09:23,522 --> 00:09:27,192
As long as my husband
is with me, I'll be fine.
237
00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:29,570
- I'm sorry, baby.
- It's okay.
238
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:31,572
No, I'm sorry. There's
a churro guy down there,
239
00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:33,532
and I've always wanted to have a churro!
240
00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,492
Amigo! Right over here. Hola!
241
00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:37,244
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
242
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:40,038
Well, I guess I won't be
needing this speech anymore.
243
00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:42,499
MAN: Shirley Chisholm?
244
00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:43,876
Oh, now what?
245
00:09:43,876 --> 00:09:46,712
- [AUDIENCE CHEERS]
- [BELL RINGS]
246
00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:48,172
Muhammad Ali?!
247
00:09:48,172 --> 00:09:50,465
Where? Oh.
248
00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:51,758
Yeah, that's me.
249
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:54,761
And you are someone I greatly admire.
250
00:09:55,554 --> 00:09:56,930
- Really?
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
251
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,182
So when are you getting up there?
252
00:09:58,182 --> 00:10:00,726
Apparently never, champ.
253
00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:02,853
Might be time for me
to throw in the towel.
254
00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:06,481
In this country, you can do
anything you set your mind to.
255
00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:09,276
Except dodging the draft.
You will go to jail for that.
256
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:12,029
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- So, get up off the mat.
257
00:10:12,029 --> 00:10:13,572
Just go up there and
tell 'em who you are.
258
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:17,159
Well, I am who I am.
259
00:10:17,159 --> 00:10:20,537
I am unbought and unbossed!
260
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:21,914
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- That's it.
261
00:10:21,914 --> 00:10:25,042
That's it! Now, get up
there and tell them that.
262
00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:27,002
All right! Thanks, champ!
263
00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:29,171
- Knock 'em dead.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
264
00:10:29,171 --> 00:10:30,339
Hey.
265
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,258
You the fellow that kicked
Rosa Parks outta her seat?
266
00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:35,344
Uh, w-well, it's just
that I'm an a-aisle guy...
267
00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:36,887
Yeah, I'ma need to see
you in the parking lot.
268
00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:38,138
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Come on.
269
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,224
[JAZZY MUSIC]
270
00:10:47,231 --> 00:10:48,857
[CINEMATIC MUSIC]
271
00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:50,442
[MIDDLE EASTERN VOCALIZIN]
272
00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:53,820
MOVIE ANNOUNCER: In a world
where greed is good,
273
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,823
- and God is as good as dead.
- [JINGLING]
274
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:59,201
Jesus is gathering his forces.
275
00:10:59,201 --> 00:11:00,452
He's becoming more powerful.
276
00:11:00,452 --> 00:11:02,162
SOLDIER: Cancel him, Judas.
277
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,956
[EPIC MUSIC]
278
00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:06,959
MOVIE ANNOUNCER: Bear witness
to the journey of a man
279
00:11:06,959 --> 00:11:09,586
who's run out of cheeks to turn.
280
00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:13,549
Jesus, the apostles need
you for one last mission.
281
00:11:14,383 --> 00:11:16,426
Mark, my savior days are over.
282
00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:19,680
You know who else's days
are over? John the Baptist.
283
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,306
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
284
00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:22,808
Dad damn it.
285
00:11:22,808 --> 00:11:27,437
MOVIE ANNOUNCER: A journey that
took him from the mother he loved.
286
00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:29,731
MOTHER MARY: Son,
this was your father's.
287
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:30,983
I never knew my father.
288
00:11:30,983 --> 00:11:32,067
Neither did I.
289
00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:34,069
Because you're a virgin, right, Mommy?
290
00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:36,822
Oh yeah. Totally a virgin, yeah.
291
00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:38,448
Never had sex.
292
00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:42,828
MOVIE ANNOUNCER: And the
love he could not return.
293
00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:45,831
Mary Magdalene, I came to check
on you and make sure you're safe.
294
00:11:45,831 --> 00:11:47,416
I'm safe now that you're here.
295
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,128
- I can't.
- But I won't charge you,
296
00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,546
even though I'm a prostitute.
297
00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:56,133
- Who's also the best computer hacker in Jerusalem.
- [ROCK MUSIC]
298
00:11:56,133 --> 00:11:58,343
The Romans are 30 klicks
away and moving fast.
299
00:11:58,343 --> 00:11:59,720
I'll be back.
300
00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:02,472
In three days.
301
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:04,474
Vamonos.
302
00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,810
[VOCALIZING PRAYER]
303
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,855
Was that other guy here the whole time?
304
00:12:09,855 --> 00:12:11,315
That's fucking creepy.
305
00:12:11,315 --> 00:12:12,983
JESUS: Apostles assemble.
306
00:12:12,983 --> 00:12:14,776
- [BACK IN BLACK BY AC/DC]
- ANNOUNCER: It's Jesus
307
00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:17,070
as our white God intended.
308
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,239
Blonde, blue-eyed,
309
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,241
and fuckin' ripped.
310
00:12:22,201 --> 00:12:23,660
- [CROWD CHATTER]
- MAN: Get lost, Jesus.
311
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,662
We're lending money,
312
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:27,831
in a temple, at exorbitant rates!
313
00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:29,833
[GUN COCKS]
314
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,001
Oy, gevalt!
315
00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:33,795
- [YELLING]
- [SHOOTING]
316
00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:35,964
[ROCK MUSIC]
317
00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:38,300
[GRUNTING]
318
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:41,803
[SLOW MOTION SHOOTING]
319
00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:44,264
Ha...
320
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:45,516
... llelujah.
321
00:12:45,516 --> 00:12:47,017
[BIRDS CAWING]
322
00:12:47,017 --> 00:12:49,478
MOVIE ANNOUNCER:
And when all is lost...
323
00:12:49,478 --> 00:12:50,521
Goodbye.
324
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,357
[BACK IN BLACK RESUMES]
325
00:12:53,357 --> 00:12:56,610
MOVIE ANNOUNCER:
... a new type of hero is found.
326
00:12:56,610 --> 00:12:57,611
Miss me?
327
00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:58,862
You're alive!
328
00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:00,614
I came back because I left something.
329
00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:02,699
- W-what?
- Your sins.
330
00:13:05,369 --> 00:13:08,372
[MEDALLION WHIRRING]
331
00:13:09,540 --> 00:13:11,959
[BLASTING]
332
00:13:13,335 --> 00:13:16,839
MOVIE ANNOUNCER: This Christmas,
get saved or go to Hell.
333
00:13:18,257 --> 00:13:22,219
- [METALLIC THUD]
- JC Resurrection.
334
00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:25,514
- [ZOOMING]
- Wow. Jesus is bussin'!
335
00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:27,641
You're right. He is bussin'.
336
00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:29,476
Jesus action figure?!
337
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:33,480
This is the best toy in the
History of the World, Part II!
338
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,148
Pew, pew, pew.
339
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,984
[ALL LAUGHING, CHEERING]
340
00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:38,068
That's it.
341
00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:39,945
- Are you kidding me?
- That's the money.
342
00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:41,572
- Wow.
- I feel like I don't need to ask,
343
00:13:41,572 --> 00:13:43,490
but I will anyway.
How's everyone feeling
344
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:46,618
- about this new version of Christianity?
- [OVERLAPPING CHEERS]
345
00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:50,247
I mean, I love that! I mean, we
got ourselves a franchise here!
346
00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:53,208
I mean, that is a
four-quadrant movie for sure.
347
00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,502
Think of the merchandising
opportunities alone.
348
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:58,130
- Also, uh, kinda hot, right?
- Oh, my God.
349
00:13:58,130 --> 00:14:00,424
He was hot, he was
jacked, he was Caucasian,
350
00:14:00,424 --> 00:14:02,301
he was just like me. Totally relatable!
351
00:14:02,301 --> 00:14:04,595
Well, I guess we gave
you everything you wanted.
352
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:07,097
It's always great when it works out
353
00:14:07,097 --> 00:14:08,765
for white men in power. [LAUGHS]
354
00:14:09,308 --> 00:14:11,768
Yeah, it really is. It really is.
355
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:14,563
I don't know how I'll sleep
at night, but it's fine.
356
00:14:14,563 --> 00:14:17,441
Oh, and don't forget to get
your items from the hat check
357
00:14:17,441 --> 00:14:19,568
on your way out. Okay?
358
00:14:19,568 --> 00:14:21,612
Oh, lost my ticket. I
don't have my ticket,
359
00:14:21,612 --> 00:14:23,071
but I have... It's that one right there.
360
00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:25,824
BISHOPS [OVERLAPPING]: And this
is yours. And this is yours.
361
00:14:25,824 --> 00:14:27,013
- And this is yours.
- And this is yours.
362
00:14:27,014 --> 00:14:28,327
- And this is yours.
- And this is yours.
363
00:14:28,327 --> 00:14:30,621
I'm sorry, you made a
mistake. This is yours.
364
00:14:30,621 --> 00:14:33,916
- BISHOPS: And this is yours.
- And this is yours...
365
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:36,126
That's not mine. Oh,
that's mine. That's mine.
366
00:14:36,126 --> 00:14:39,046
- No. You have mine right there.
- That's mine. There it is. Okay.
367
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:41,089
RED BISHOP: And may I
get my staff, please?
368
00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,758
I wish I could tip, but
I only have big stuff,
369
00:14:42,758 --> 00:14:44,259
so I'll get you next time.
370
00:14:48,597 --> 00:14:52,976
♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
371
00:14:52,976 --> 00:14:54,978
[CROWD CHEERING]
372
00:14:54,978 --> 00:14:56,605
COSELL IMPERSONATOR: It
looks like the big winner
373
00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:57,898
is the Motor from South Dakota.
374
00:14:57,898 --> 00:14:59,942
It's over. It's over.
375
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:03,070
But wait, what do we
have here? Ms. Chisholm?
376
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,614
Outta my way, Monday night goofball!
377
00:15:05,614 --> 00:15:07,783
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Ouch.
378
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:12,037
[ON SPEAKER]: Good evening,
delegates. Thank you for having me.
379
00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,956
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
380
00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:15,332
Can you hear me?
381
00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:20,254
[SIGHS] All right. Let's try this.
382
00:15:21,547 --> 00:15:23,507
One, two, three, four!
383
00:15:23,507 --> 00:15:25,926
[FUNKY CRESCENDO]
384
00:15:25,926 --> 00:15:27,970
Mm... Hit me!
385
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:29,346
[BRASSY FUNK]
386
00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:32,266
Woo! Can you feel it?
387
00:15:32,266 --> 00:15:34,893
This is wildly out of
character for my wife.
388
00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:36,103
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
389
00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,689
♪ This country needs some
disruption to the corruption ♪
390
00:15:38,689 --> 00:15:39,773
♪ Too much corruption ♪
391
00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:42,776
♪ That White House could use
some Black to cure its blues ♪
392
00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:44,069
♪ Ooh-ho-ho-ho ♪
393
00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:46,071
♪ In the ass, we're gonna kick it ♪
394
00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:48,323
♪ With this sister on the ticket ♪
395
00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:51,326
♪ Honey, get with Mama
Shirley, and you can't lose ♪
396
00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:52,327
♪ Baby, you can't lose ♪
397
00:15:52,327 --> 00:15:55,539
♪ I'm fed up with all the
jive and exploitation ♪
398
00:15:56,582 --> 00:15:59,209
♪ Let them threaten, let
them bully, I don't scare ♪
399
00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:01,128
♪ She don't scare ♪
400
00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:02,671
♪ I don't play nobody's fool ♪
401
00:16:02,671 --> 00:16:05,048
♪ I take them white boys all to school ♪
402
00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:07,009
♪ They don't give me
a seat at the table ♪
403
00:16:07,009 --> 00:16:08,969
♪ I'm gonna bring a folding chair ♪
404
00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:11,930
♪ She's unbought and unbossed ♪
405
00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,348
♪ I'm incorruptible ♪
406
00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:16,185
♪ Unvarnished and unglossed ♪
407
00:16:16,185 --> 00:16:17,644
♪ I'm indestructible ♪
408
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,439
♪ Unbought and unbossed ♪
409
00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:22,983
♪ Yeah, that's right, I
won't relax, I won't relent ♪
410
00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:25,569
♪ I'm gonna be the first Black woman ♪
411
00:16:25,569 --> 00:16:27,946
♪ President! ♪
412
00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:31,825
- [CONFETTI POPS]
- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
413
00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:33,410
Thank you, delegates!
414
00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:35,954
Get on the Chisholm Express '72!
415
00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:38,707
[JAZZY MUSIC]
416
00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:42,377
♪ I'm unbought and unbossed ♪
417
00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:44,171
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Ooh-woo!
418
00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:47,049
Oh, Mom, you made me a cake?
419
00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:48,634
Oh no, baby.
420
00:16:48,634 --> 00:16:49,968
That's store-bought.
421
00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:51,386
You came in fourth.
422
00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:53,514
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
423
00:16:53,514 --> 00:16:56,016
I thought I was gonna get
to do a musical number.
424
00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:58,143
I've been pitching
that for four episodes.
425
00:16:58,143 --> 00:16:59,686
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
426
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,147
But you know what, baby?
Don't feel bad. You did great.
427
00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:05,025
And we got a free trip to Miami
out of it. And you know what?
428
00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:08,695
You have opened up doors
for generations to come.
429
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,532
Oh, Conrad, that's the
dumbest shit you've ever said.
430
00:17:11,532 --> 00:17:12,908
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
431
00:17:12,908 --> 00:17:14,201
And that's saying somethin'.
432
00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:15,661
Oh, come on now.
433
00:17:16,328 --> 00:17:19,164
No, but really, baby. You didn't win,
434
00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:22,709
but you opened doors
for generations to come.
435
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,962
- Oh, Mama!
- [LAUGHS]
436
00:17:24,962 --> 00:17:26,338
[AUDIENCE AWW'S]
437
00:17:26,338 --> 00:17:28,257
Fuck that, man! I just said that!
438
00:17:28,257 --> 00:17:30,551
SHIRLEY/FLO: Shut up, Conrad.
439
00:17:30,551 --> 00:17:32,636
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
440
00:17:32,636 --> 00:17:34,638
- Shut up, Conrad!
- [LAUGHING]
441
00:17:34,638 --> 00:17:36,390
Okay. [LAUGHS] Okay, okay.
442
00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:38,767
You know what? Fuck y'all!
443
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:41,603
Only reason I did this TV show
was to help out your campaign,
444
00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:43,146
and all I do is get treated like shit!
445
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:44,398
Man, I'm outta here!
446
00:17:44,398 --> 00:17:45,941
- [THEME PLAYING]
- I'ma do my own TV show!
447
00:17:45,941 --> 00:17:47,901
You know what, it's gonna be
about something I care about.
448
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,611
It's gonna be about law and order!
449
00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:50,863
Now, I don't know what I'ma call it,
450
00:17:50,863 --> 00:17:52,990
but it's gonna have a cool
transition, like, "dun dun!"
451
00:17:52,990 --> 00:17:55,158
And it's gonna be the best! The best!
452
00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:56,535
♪
453
00:17:56,535 --> 00:17:59,371
A Black woman will become president
before that show ever works.
454
00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:02,291
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
455
00:18:02,291 --> 00:18:03,959
Can I have a piece of cake before I go?
456
00:18:03,959 --> 00:18:05,127
Fuck you.
457
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:08,130
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
458
00:18:13,177 --> 00:18:15,179
MEL: Wait! Where are you going?
459
00:18:15,179 --> 00:18:16,597
Coming soon,
460
00:18:16,597 --> 00:18:20,267
Don't miss History
of the World, Part II,
461
00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:21,977
season two.
462
00:18:21,977 --> 00:18:25,856
See... "The Great Fascist Bake Off."
463
00:18:25,856 --> 00:18:28,525
MALE JUDGE: Idi Amin,
your cake fell flat, mate.
464
00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:31,361
I thought killing the other
contestants would give me an edge,
465
00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:33,572
but there are no shortcuts in baking.
466
00:18:34,573 --> 00:18:36,575
MEL: See... "The Dust Bowl."
467
00:18:36,575 --> 00:18:37,910
- [WIND BLOWING]
- [NEWSREEL RUNNING]
468
00:18:37,910 --> 00:18:39,786
REPORTER: And it's a
fumble! Oklahoma recovers,
469
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:42,080
or maybe Kansas does. And
they take it to the 10,
470
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,707
to the five, touchdown Kansas!
471
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:45,501
- Or Oklahoma! Who knows?
- [CROWD CHEERING]
472
00:18:45,501 --> 00:18:48,045
I can't see shit! It's too dusty!
473
00:18:48,045 --> 00:18:49,046
[DRAMATIC STING]
474
00:18:49,046 --> 00:18:52,799
MEL: See... "Jews in Space"
475
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:57,095
- [LASERS BLASTING]
- [ZOOMING]
476
00:18:57,095 --> 00:18:59,014
MAN: Captain Mudman, we're
in a bit of a pickle!
477
00:18:59,014 --> 00:19:00,641
I know, it's a real half-sour.
478
00:19:00,641 --> 00:19:02,935
Lieutenantman Silverman,
give us a status update.
479
00:19:02,935 --> 00:19:04,686
I'm single, but looking!
480
00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:07,356
Well, we're doing an event in
the JCC Saturn this weekend.
481
00:19:07,356 --> 00:19:08,440
- Ooh.
- I know there'll be
482
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:11,360
a wonderful guy there for you, but
I mean a status update on the ship!
483
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:14,196
Oh, I can't operate
anything until sundown,
484
00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:16,365
which, in space, who can
tell? Best I do nothing.
485
00:19:16,365 --> 00:19:18,450
Fair enough. Borowitz, report!
486
00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:20,953
Captain, the weapons
system is loxed and loaded,
487
00:19:21,537 --> 00:19:23,330
- but I got no schmear.
- MUDMAN: What?!
488
00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:26,166
- Joot!
- JOOT: I am Joot.
489
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,418
You were supposed to
bring the cream cheese!
490
00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:30,003
JOOT: I am Joot!
491
00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:31,129
I don't understand.
492
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,299
- The deli was closed yesterday.
- [MUDMAN GROANS]
493
00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:37,636
Dr. Kaufmanberg, do you have
the results of my colonoscopy?
494
00:19:37,636 --> 00:19:39,221
Yes, Captain, and it's not good.
495
00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:40,806
You have ass-teroids.
496
00:19:40,806 --> 00:19:42,266
Oh, no, ass-teroids!
497
00:19:42,266 --> 00:19:44,560
[DROPS CHARACTER]: Wait, Wanda,
can you be in this sketch?
498
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:45,936
I'm an executive producer.
499
00:19:45,936 --> 00:19:47,354
Oh, okay, so you're basically Jewish.
500
00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:48,480
Mm.
501
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,482
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
502
00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:52,234
Captain, we're being boarded!
503
00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:53,694
Hopefully by a doctor.
504
00:19:53,694 --> 00:19:56,363
At this hour? Dayenu. Okay!
505
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:59,116
Uh, Dr. Kaufmanberg, you want to, uh...
506
00:19:59,116 --> 00:20:01,368
I know, I know. I go first.
507
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,203
- Thank you, Doctor.
- Thank you.
508
00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:05,289
[DOORS WHIRRING]
509
00:20:05,289 --> 00:20:07,624
[ALARM BLARING]
510
00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:08,625
[ZAP]
511
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,627
[WHIRRING]
512
00:20:11,587 --> 00:20:12,588
[MUDMAN GASPS]
513
00:20:12,588 --> 00:20:16,049
It's the most powerful
Jewish person in the universe,
514
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:17,301
Jesus Christ!
515
00:20:17,301 --> 00:20:20,262
MEL: Well, the second most powerful.
516
00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:22,556
Also, I brought cream cheese.
517
00:20:22,556 --> 00:20:24,474
[ALL CHEER]
518
00:20:24,474 --> 00:20:26,768
- BOROWITZ: It's Mel Brooks!
- KAUFMANBERG: Oh, he looks great!
519
00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:29,771
[EPIC THEME PLAYS]
520
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:40,282
♪
521
00:20:40,283 --> 00:20:45,283
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
522
00:21:38,841 --> 00:21:40,342
[FART]
37631
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