Original subtitles

♪

MEL BROOKS: "The Oslo Peace Accords."

NORWEGIAN MAN: This is really historic.

We have agreed in principle

to a real and everlasting peace accord

between Israel and Palestine.

Now, if I could just get some general agreement noises

from the room. Like, just a sort of...

[all murmuring in agreement]

Good, good, and... perfect!

Good, thank you. That was just right.

Okay, now I'm gonna get this ready for the signings, ja?

There's just one more thing concerning

who gets to claim the homeland of hummus,

but we can iron that afterward. Ja.

♪ tense music ♪

[concerned murmuring]

This is not a small thing.

We must settle on who created hummus before we sign,

or we can never have true peace.

- Of course. - This is very simple, really,

when you think about it because Israel, you know, created hummus.

[condescending laughing]

I didn't realize I was watching Family Matters right now.

What are you talking about?

Oh, because you're like Steve Urkel,

in that you are making me laugh.

"Did I do that?" No. [spectator gasps]

My Palestinian ancestors did that!

What do you think the Jews were eating in the desert

for 40 years, Amir? Wet sand?

That's exactly how you describe Israeli hummus.

- Fuck you, man. - Oh, fuck you.

Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo!

- [murmuring] - Guys, guys, guys, come on now.

We agreed the only F word we're gonna use in this room

is friendship.

Go friendship yourself.

Excuse me, but, uh, make no mistake.

Egypt created hummus.

[all laughing]

Yes, of course! You know what--

I have heard enough, okay?

Because it is...

Greece who has invented hummus!

It's as Greek as naked wrestling.

And may I just say, Christos,

that the only thing the Greeks invented

was being a shitty little asshole.

- [murmuring] - Oh, snap.

Everybody knows that Turkey is the home of hummus.

Turkey is the home of hummus?

- TURKISH AMBASSADOR: That's right. - Okay. This is rich, okay?

Because your country is called Turkey,

but you make absolutely no claim to that food.

Don't want. Don't want it. CHRISTOS: Okay.

What you should be called instead

is Bullshit. [laughter]

Because that is all you make.

Please, please, no, no, no. You guys--

And I think your country is called Greece

because your food is so greasy.

Oh no! Spanakopita is... oily, okay?

It's not greasy.

Hey, hey! Why don't we sit down, right?

Why are we standing? There's no need to stand! Guys, guys,

I don't even know why we're discussing this, to be honest.

I put it in there as a joke.

[laughs] It was just like a little funny thing before lunch.

Lunch! AMIR: Ah, yes! Yes.

We are going to sign whatever the hell you want us to sign,

and we're going to get the F out of here.

Oh, yes! Wonderful. Yes, let's sign it, please! Oh God...

We'll just go to my place, the Israeli embassy.

We'll have lunch. CHRISTOS: Greek embassy lunch is on me!

TURKISH AMBASSADOR: The Turkish embassy is open.

NORWEGIAN AMBASSADOR: Well, we can also just eat here,

at the Norwegian embassy. ISRAELI AMBASSADOR: Fuck you.

Well, okay. More sheep's head for me then, right? [laughs]

♪ epic theme playing ♪

MEL: History of The World, Part II!

♪ cheerful theme playing ♪

♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪

♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪

♪ She's Shirley ♪

♪ It's been a long hard road, but hope was never lost ♪

♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's unbought and unbossed ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪

[audience cheering]

ANNOUNCER: Shirley! is filmed in front of a live Black audience.

♪ Yeah... ♪

Wow! This place is so futuristic!

Well, that's 'cause, for our anniversary,

I wanted to take you out of this world. [laughs]

I'm talkin' hotel sex. [audience laughter]

I promise, no work this weekend.

No campaigning,

no speeches, no candidate.

- I am just your wife. - [laughs] Right.

[Conrad clears throat] [audience laughter]

What about that jacket?

It's the only one I have with pockets.

[audience laughter]

- Welcome to the Watergate Hotel. - Yes, uh,

reservation's under Chisholm.

I booked a room with a heart-shaped bathtub

and a fireplace that roars.

Yes, it's in the notes. We don't have that.

What? Come on, now! [audience laughter]

- I made this reservation weeks ago! - Gloria?

The most famous feminist in the world? [audience cheering]

Gloria!

Shirley Chisholm? Are you here for our conference?

Am I?

Does a woman only make 56 cents for every dollar a man makes?

- [audience laughter] - [laughs] Shirley!

Of course, I'm here for your conference! Yeah!

Well, it's so great that you're here,

and I will see you in Ballroom One.

- Absolutely! I'll see you inside. - Okay.

Twin beds? Come on, now, that's not cool.

Shirley Chisholm. [audience cheering]

Reverend Jesse Jackson?

Shirley, now, you are a sister that is no-nonsense.

I can only assume you are here for our conference.

[audience laughter]

Jesse, I am here,

and I got your back.

I came for your conference. Yes, it is Black.

- [audience laughter] - I cannot wait

to share my ideas that are new.

I look forward to seeing you in Ballroom Number Two.

Thank you. [audience laughter]

Shirley, baby, look, I'm gettin' a bad vibe about this place.

- Let's just go home. - No, we can't! We just started the farce!

- The farce? - Uh, I mean,

th-th-the force.

The force of our love and romance.

- Just get the key! - Okay.

Okay, alright. I'll take the key, I'll take the key.

ANNOUNCER: Coming up on the next episode of Shirley!...

Flo, the feminists and the Black Caucus are here at the Watergate.

I wanna get them both to endorse me.

I need you to bring me two different outfits.

While I'm downstairs, I need you to stay here

and keep Conrad in the bathtub.

CONRAD: Shirley, should I put on one of those mud masks?

It's all in the mole.

[imitating Shirley]: That sounds good, baby!

[normal voice]: I got this, girl.

MEL: "Typhoid Mary"

Don't breathe on me, please.

♪ lively Celtic music ♪

Hey! It's me, Mary,

or as I'm known in some circles, Typhoid Mary.

And welcome to my cooking channel, "Eat, Drink and be Mary."

Just to catch you up, I have been accused of giving typhoid,

a highly contagious and fatal disease spread through food,

to hundreds of people that I've cooked for,

which, you know, while it's ridiculous,

I do appreciate the opportunity to create a brand.

Now, today we are going to be making corned beef and cabbage,

a classic Irish dish.

As traditional to Ireland as alcoholism and shame.

[racking cough]

[panting, gasping] [wiping hands]

So, before we get going... [stomach gurgling]

Uh-oh! I got something cookin'. [farts]

And no, it's not in the oven. It's in my pants.

[farts] I gotta go have a shit.

Don't you go anywhere. Love you!

MEL: And now, back to "The Last Supper Sessions."

[guitar strumming] LUKE [sings falsetto]: Frogs and locusts!

♪ Frogs and locusts, so in love ♪

MARK: I think the whole thing would work better lower.

LUKE: Too high for me, mate.

How come Jesus isn't wearing any shoes?

Maybe you should be asking why you're wearing shoes.

[strumming continues]

Far out, man.

- [stops strumming] - Ah! This is so frustrating.

Nothing's working! MARK: I think,

respectfully, you need to, uh, pick up your accent, mate.

You're from Nazareth.

Mm, no. I'm from North Carolina.

Nobody told me that when I signed up for this,

I had to have a Liverpoolian accent!

[no accent]: Are we dropping the accent?!

Yes! We're dropping the accent! MARK: No.

Oh, thank God! MARK: No. No!

We're committing to the bit!

- We're keeping the accents! - Lads, lads, lads, listen!

We're just in a bit of a rut.

We need a pick-me-up, that's all. Okay?

Is it possible

to turn this goat milk to rosé?

Mate, no.

[Scouse accent]: [laughs] Hey, Jesus! Look who I found!

Yes!

It's Lazarus! [cheering]

[gasps]

JESUS: L.L.! Lazarus! Yes! MARY: Lazzie!

I played with Laz out in Galilee. He's wild, man. Wild.

Hey now, that show was out of sight!

MARK: Oh. [loud laugh]

[laughing] Wow... Wow.

Hey, wh-where's Judas?

[strumming] LUKE: Well, you know...

- [awkward mumbling] - Judas left the band.

- He did. - And so, we're missing a whole...

[strumming continues] dimension of sound, you know? So...

JESUS: We really haven't spoke about it.

Why don't you play something for us, mate?

LAZARUS: Me? JESUS: Yeah, mate. I mean,

we'd love to have you, mate.

MARK: You could give us the extra dimension we're looking for.

Wow. Uh, yeah, I guess I could try something, I don't...

See what it's all about.

[lively electric piano] JESUS: Bring us back from the dead, mate.

Yes! MARK: Yes! Wow.

- [impressed chatter] - That's good.

Pure butter. [projector clicks]

♪ Don't get me down ♪

♪

♪ From the cross, yeah ♪

[obnoxious bleating]

♪ Don't get me down ♪

♪ I came to die here for your sins ♪

[bleating continues]

♪ Don't get me down ♪

[weak laugh] [clapping]

Hey, Jude.

You know, I want you to know I had my come-to-Jesus moment, and...

Told me to come back to Jesus.

Of course, lad. You're forgiven.

Honk!

Honk if I love Jesus, and I do.

MARK: All are friends again. There we go.

Alright, so have we decided where we're gonna play?

JESUS: Oh...

Why don't we just do it on the bloody roof?

Be great for my hair, wouldn't it?

Your hair would look great.

Your hair would look problematic.

Yeah. MARK: Alright then.

JESUS: Alright. LUKE: There's my man Judas.

It's the end of the session!

[farting, water splashing] MARY: Oh! That's straight water.

There's no substance to that at all. It just fell right out of there.

Oh! Woo! [fart, splash]

[sighs] I don't have any toilet paper!

Get this guy right here...

Ha, resourceful!

[view count clicking]

[groaning, yelling] [farting, splashing]

Ow!

♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley... ♪

[studio audience applauds]

JESSE JACKSON: The white politicians continue to fuck us,

and that's why we started our own Black political caucus.

That's "fuck us."

- Jesse! - Shirley!

What's happenin', Jesse? Gimme five!

Black hand side!

Down low?

You're too slow!

[audience laughter]

So, as a member of the Black community,

I was hoping that I would get your support in the election.

Well, maybe you will,

if you give a speech at the podium.

- Pig in a blanket? - Not for me.

Too much sodium. [studio audience laughs]

How do you do that? [laughs] Doesn't matter.

Why don't we do it right now?

[imitates tire screech]

I'd love to hear you speak, uh, that would be fun,

but you cannot take the podium

until Mr. Charlie Rangel is done.

[Conrad scat singing] [water splashing]

[audience laughter]

- Did you lock up either endorsement? - [whispers]: Not yet!

I'm telling you, a song will really win them over.

No, no. No song.

No gimmicks. No catchphrases.

And you can Shirley count on that!

[audience laughter]

So, how's it going with Conrad? [water splashing]

CONRAD: Shirley, who are you talking to?

BOTH: Nobody, baby!

[audience laughter] [grumbling]

CONRAD: You better be getting ready 'cause I am shaving myself clean in here.

[audience laughter]

You owe me for this.

[imitating]: Oh, that's good, baby!

I love you silky smooth.

[studio audience laughs]

ALL:

Burn, baby, burn!

[all cheering and applauding]

GLORIA STEINEM: Yes, yes, yes!

Shirley! SHIRLEY: Yeah! So, Gloria,

are you ready to take that photograph now for the magazine?

You know what, in a few minutes because right now, we're burning our bras.

- Oh! Well, uh, d-- count me in! - Yes!

[all cheering]

- That smells like freedom. - Yes. Oh!

[cheering continues]

Um, so how long does this take?

The D cups take about four minutes, and the B cups about two minutes.

Okay, I would say this is like a C-average room,

so three minutes, got it! Okay.

[clapping] GLORIA: Yes, throw them in, women!

Throw them in! [cheering]

♪

[audience laughter]

Write this down. "We want James Brown."

[audience laughter]

I don't wanna push, I'm not gonna preach,

but I'm going up there and giving a speech.

I want you up there

for the votes you will earn, but I'm sorry to say...

it is Ron Dellums' turn.

Ron Dellums! [clapping]

Damn it! [studio laughter]

♪

GLORIA: Now, are we making it a walk,

or a march? Oh!

Oh, Shirley. You changed...

Yes.

Oh, um... [nervous laugh]

Burning that bra felt so good,

I just burned the rest of my outfit.

[audience laughter] Can we please take that picture now?

GLORIA: Yes. Everyone!

Photo with presidential candidate Shirley Chisholm!

Get in here, Bella!

Let's do it. Let's go. Here we go. [laughter]

[fire alarm ringing] Oh, my God!

Fire! Fire!

Everybody get out! [panicked screaming]

L-let's take the picture first! Come back! Let's ta-- Ladies, let--

Let's take the picture first! Let's... [sighs] If we don't take the photo,

the men win!

[audience laughter]

[alarm continues]

This is my best bra.

[audience laughter]

[cheering] ANNOUNCER: Shirley! will be back

after some commercials starring OJ Simpson.

MEL: "The Mongolian Empire"

♪ Asiatic music ♪

Kublai Khan controlled more land than any person

in the history of the world! Part II.

But, as the saying goes,

"Behind every great man is 10,000 women."

♪ Real Housewives -esque theme ♪

CHABI: I'm Chabi.

I'm not a wife of Kublai Khan.

I'm his number-one wife.

EHRI: I'm Ehri, and in Xanadu,

you Xana- don't wanna cross me.

NAMBUI: My name is Nambui, and I'm grateful for the Khan.

Now my parents have fresh meat to eat every day!

CRYSTAL: I'm Crystal, and these other concs don't scare me

because I'm from Beverly Hills.

KAYLA: I'm Kayla. KAYLAH: And I'm Kaylah.

BOTH: And we're double the fun and double the trouble.

[sheep bleats]

[bleats]

WOMEN: And we're the Real Concubines...

MORE WOMEN: And we're the Real Concubines...

EVEN MORE: And we're the Real Concubines...

And we're the Real Concubines of Kublai Khan!

♪

Welcome to The Real Concubines of Kublai Khan Reunion.

I'm your host, Andy Khan.

We have a great show tonight.

Kublai Khan has so many wives,

and we have so little time,

so I wanna jump right into it.

- Chabi! - Hey, Andy.

Recently, you and Ehri have had a little drama.

There's no drama, Andy.

My son is 100% heir to the throne.

The Oracle confirmed it.

Nope. CHABI: And Ehri

is just freaked out because she's insecure

about her relationship with our husband.

[laughs] Well, you know what they say.

"Oracles are for whore-acles."

[gasps, laughs] CHABI: You know,

Kublai calls you his number two for a reason.

You stink like a pile of dung!

You don't know what Koob says

or does to me the two minutes a week we're together.

Two minutes? Only two minutes? I get four.

Now, this is not the first time Chabi and Ehri

have gone at each other. Everyone agrees

the craziest moment of the season

was the Festival of the Blood Moon Charity Gala. Let's take a look.

How dare you bring your son here.

This is my son Travis's first Blood Moon Festival.

You know what? It just so happens that this is also my son,

who's also named Travis's first Blood Moon Festival,

so you need to back off.

And you get that stinking finger outta my face.

I swear to God, I don't know where it's been.

It's stinking 'cause it's been up our husband's ass [bleep],

and maybe if yours had been, your son would be the actual heir.

- [ladies gasping, yelling] - Sup, ladies! Daddy's home.

[indistinct arguing]

Oh shit...

[arguing, bleeping continues]

EHRI: I am the mother of the spawn of Khan, bitch!

- You look like a fool. You look like a fool - You look like a fool!

- [bleating] - Shut the [beep] up!

Flopsy, Flopsy, stop. [bleating]

Bitch, I coulda taken you!

[shouting, bleeping]

I'm sorry you're a virgin!

I'm a virgin? I have a son! ANDY: Ladies, ladies, sit down.

Everyone stop, everyone stop. Ladies!

That clip did give us

one of the biggest memes of the season.

It's been rewoven over 10 times!

"I want to talk to the manager."

"I am the manager." Amazing.

Nambui, what about you?

Are you Team Chabi or Team Ehri?

You know, I have to say, t I liked it better when we were all a team.

You know, all of us concs have a bond.

Or as I call it, a concu-bond.

[voice breaking]: You know what?

[gasps] You are so right.

[gasps] And I had so lost sight of that.

Me, too! Like...

You guys are my sister-in-laws.

Like, you're actually...

You're my sister wives.

NAMBUI: Yes! [gasps]

Crystal, I gotta say, I've never seen you cry before.

Oh, I'm not crying about them.

I'm crying because the Italian marble for my Malibu reno,

it's on back order.

- [all gasp] - Aww.

Well, this one ended on a really sweet note.

Uh, before we wrap things up,

does anyone have a small business they wanna promote?

Okay, all of you.

- Uh, Chabi? - Thank you, Andy.

I'm so excited to announce that my new hat line,

"Shy By Chabi," is dropping soon.

It's perfect for the nomadic, but sassy, lifestyle.

That's great. When are they coming out?

September... [beads rattling]

Sum... Er... Spring. Spring.

How about you, Ehri?

I'm so thrilled to announce the drop of my new alcohol brand,

Skinny Khan Margaritas.

[rattling] Zero sugar, zero drama.

Bitch, you better tell your hat to shut the [beep] up!

WOMEN: And we're the Real Concubines of Kublai Khan!

MARY: Step [cough] three!

I'm going to take my cabbage.

And I never use a knife.

I always use my fingers to tear it up.

If you get any little bits of cabbage under your fingernails,

oh, don't you worry. You just pick it out

and throw 'em in the pot.

It all ends up in the same place anyway. The toilet.

[coughing]

♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪

[studio audience applauding]

SHIRLEY: I didn't plan any of this,

but when I saw you two were here tonight,

I had to try to get both of your endorsements.

Baby girl, we love and support you.

We just can't endorse you. [audience laughter]

JACKSON: This is also true for us.

We think you're great,

it's just too much fuss. [laughter]

It's 1972.

Don't you wanna see a Black woman as president?

We definitely want a woman.

Just one that can win, like George McGovern.

[audience laughter]

And we definitely want a Black person, can't you see?

But just, maybe a Black man.

Someone... like me.

[audience laughter]

Love you, fro, but we gotta go.

GLORIA: Okay, bye!

[audience awwing]

Shirley St. Anita Hill Chisholm.

Looks like I figured out

the mystery of the lying wife.

[audience laughter]

Conrad! In a robe? In a hotel?

With my best friend? How could you?

Oh, stop it. He knows. [audience laughter]

[sighs] I-I'm sorry, Conrad.

I got all caught up in the campaign,

and then, they started burning the bras,

and it set off the fire alarm.

Oh, I-I pulled the fire alarm.

Conrad was about to come out the bathtub naked. I panicked!

[audience laughter]

That's only because I bring the heat.

This weekend was supposed to be all about our anniversary,

and instead, I made it all about me and my job.

- [studio audience awwing] - It's okay, honey.

You know what they say.

"Politics makes for strange bedfellows."

Speaking of, why don't we go upstairs

- and turn up your heat? - Ooh, there we go.

And this is turning my stomach. Where's that damn window?

[audience laughter]

I love you, Conrad Chisholm. [studio audience awwing]

Excuse me? Sorry.

I'm looking for the Democratic National Committee?

CONRAD: Well, you're at the Watergate Hotel.

You want the Watergate Office Building.

It's down the hall, out the exit, and across the alley.

Thanks. Walk this way, boys.

[audience laughter]

Did they look suspicious?

No, I'm a private investigator. There's nothing suspicious about that.

♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪

[applause, laughter]

MEL: And now for the conclusion

of "The Last Supper Sessions."

[crowd chatter]

[speaker crackling]

MARK: Let's see what we got here.

So, we're on the roof then?

[street chatter]

[guitar strumming]

WOMAN: Hi, Mary! [electric piano playing]

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

You know, the acoustics up here are actually very lovely.

- La, la, la, la, la. - No, look, mate, it's "looovley."

"Looooovley."

Let me try that. Ooh, ooh... Fuck yourself.

Oh...

JESUS: Alright, lads, are we ready?

Let's do this, baby!

- [drumsticks clack] - One, two, three, go!

[electricity sparks]

Oh! MARK: Oh no! Peter, what the shit?

- Don't touch him! - Oh! It's not the wiring!

Help him out, lad, he got zapped.

- Help him, Jesus, help him. - And rise.

[gasps] Let's do this, babies!

Praise Jesus!

MARK: Jesus has brought Lazarus back from the dead!

Lyric boy, where are you?

LYRIC BOY: Coming, coming. MARK: We need the lyrics to sing the song.

- LYRIC BOY: Here you go. - Lyric Boy, come on. Okay, ready, boys?

[drumsticks clacking] One, two, three!

♪ Get Back -style song plays ♪

♪ Lovely Lucy was a pharaoh's daughter ♪

♪ Pushing camels through a needle's eye ♪

[confused chatter]

♪ Her chance of Heaven was slim, so she cashed it all in ♪

♪ Now, she got taste for humble pie ♪

I love you, Jesus!

♪ She said give back, give back ♪

♪ Girl, you can't take it with you ♪

♪ Might as well give it back ♪

♪ Give back ♪

SOLDIER: Make way, make way. Let's go. Clear it out. Heads up.

♪ If you wanna get to Heaven ♪

♪ Better give back ♪

♪ decrescendo, crescendo ♪

[crowd cheering]

It's Jesus and his apostles.

They're ruining the bloody bazaar!

How am I supposed to sell me dried donkey cock?

♪ Give back, give back, give something back ♪

- [excited chatter] - Come on, boys. Let's go deal with it.

♪ She said give back ♪

♪ Give back ♪

♪ Can't just be a taker ♪

♪ Gotta give something back now ♪

♪ Give back, come on, give back ♪

♪

♪ If you wanna get to Heaven, gotta give back... ♪

SOLDIER: Alright, let's go. We're done here. That's about enough of this.

And so, the song has come to its natural conclusion.

MARK: Whoa, whoa. LUKE: Hey, hey, what the--

Jesus!

MARK: Whoa, whoa! What's all this? Hey, what is going on?

Huh. Judas never showed up. Weird.

[crowd booing]

Pleasure doing business with you.

[coins jingle] Feel like a bit of a traitor to be honest.

You know who's a traitor is fuckin' Tom Brady.

And Johnny Damon. And Babe Ruth.

All fuckin' traitors, all fake.

Like this fuckin' set. Look at this!

Supposed to be a street. It's a fuckin' carpet!

[no accent]: Man, I really, I don't know how you got on set,

but I'm just trying to... We're just trying to do our job.

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I ruining

your little student film here? Is that what's happening?

No, this is History of the World, Part II for Hulu.

- Mel Brooks? You ever heard of him? - Yeah, I heard of--

There's no way that Mel Brooks is a part of this.

Where's crafty?

I need a fucking warmer for my Dunkin'. [beep]

♪ Get Back-style riff ♪