Original subtitles

Galileo!

Hey! Ciao, Margherita de' Medici!

This is, uh, Galileo with a cameo, aka a Galilameo.

This is f-from your father, the Grand Duke of Tuscany

and he wanted me to wish you

a happy birthday.

16 years old, which means that you can now get married

to the Duke of Parma.

And, uh, that's good for you

because they got the cheese money.

Anyway, I hope it's a successful marriage

so that we can avoid a land war.

Please let your father know

that I make this message for you

so he can put in a good word with the Pope

and the Pope doesn't torture me

and stretch me out like string cheese,

bringing it back to the Duke of Parma.

Okay, much love and peace-a.

The leaning tower of.

History of the World, Part Two.

Previously, on The Civil War...

No more alcohol.

You are ready to join me on a top secret mission.

We're going to West Virginia.

General Grant was last seen

heading towards Rock Ridge.

You three have been tasked with bringing him back here.

- Hands up. - Good Gravy, it's Harriet Tubman!

We hate Yankees.

- Hachi-bachis, okay. - Oh, sh-

Well, well, well,

well, well, well, well.

- Ugh! - Ugh!

Ulysses Grant

and Honest Abe Lincoln's son.

You picked the wrong saloon to have a drink at.

- What? - What'd he say?

I said have you got...

What are you saying?

He said, "You got any last words?"

Oh! Oh, last words. Yes.

May God save and protect our union.

Yeah, that's right, eat shit.

What about you, little Lincoln boy?

So, you won't kill us until we're done talking?

Them the rules, boy.

Uh, and is that a hard and fast rule?

I always thought it was more of a guideline.

Oh!

Right in the kiss-kiss! Ooh-ah!

- Oh boy. - Dear God.

Okay. Yeah.

- Uh, okay. - Go on! Go on, boy.

Uh...

First of all, um, I'd like to thank my parents.

To Dad, You were always so tall.

And Mom, everybody thought you were nuts,

but really to me, you were just Mom.

Thank you. Not done yet.

Thank you. Thank you.

We made it! Rock Ridge!

It looked a lot different

in Blazing Saddles.

And, uh, to General Grant,

- the man sitting next to me. - Oh. no.

You are my hero. You are my mentor.

And now, you are my friend.

No. Ah, I'm gonna cry!

I'm gonna freaking cry.

It's them!

General Grant and R.T.?

Are they in trouble?

Oh my God, they're so far away!

Turn it around.

Aah! They're gonna hang 'em!

Okay, okay, okay.

I think the only move here

is to get back on Harriet's train and go to Canada,

learn manners, get healthcare, pretend we like poutine.

Oh, I can't!

I can't pretend I like lukewarm cheese curds.

There are no other options, Mingos!

Wait! I have an idea!

Oh!

It's just us.

Tell me there's gravity

without telling me there's gravity.

Me, Galileo, I'll go first.

Ah! Oh, ah!

A-choo!

Aah! Mamma mia!

Hey, I'm flying!

Gravity not so real!

Oh, no, I'm falling again!

Why didn't I invent the parachute?

Shirley Chisholm.

Previously, on Shirley...

Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me...

Well, great.

...to run for president!

Alabama governor and presidential candidate,

George Wallace is hospitalized after being shot.

This is terrible!

What do we do?

We celebrate.

I'm making a Manhattan.

♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪

♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪

♪ She's Shirley ♪

♪ It's been a long, hard road ♪

♪ But hope was never lost ♪

♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's ♪

♪ unbought and unbossed ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪

Shirley is brought to you

by the actual presidential candidate Shirley Chisholm

and filmed in front of a live Black audience.

I need to go see Wallace.

What are you talking about?

Uh-uh, Shirley, now,

the press is swarming the hospital.

If you go visit that cuckoo Klux Klansman,

your campaign is over!

But it's the Christian thing to do.

All right, th-that's it, that's it. Cut, cut!

Where's the director at?

What's going on now? Look, I know you guys have us

doing some crazy shit up in here,

but why in the world would Shirley

go visit George Wallace at the hospital?

Conrad, this is something that actually happened.

- Really? - Now, get your butt over here

and say your next line.

Action. All right, honey.

if you are going, I'm going with you.

Me, too!

- How about you, Mama? - I'm sorry.

I can't hear you over the stirring.

Did I really need to be disguised in a full body cast?

It doesn't even look like Conrad.

I ain't putting on that thing. I'm claustrophobic.

This must be him.

You two stay and guard.

Oh!

I see you're going to check on Governor Wallace.

Uh, yes, I'm going to check his...

...oil?

Well, then you wouldn't mind administering

his next dose of painkiller while you're at it.

Uh, you sure I should be doing this?

Yeah, it's the '70s.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm off to an interracial orgy

where everyone will have a huge bush.

Shirley will be right back

after a bunch of cigarette commercials.

I am Rasputin and this is the human cigarette.

Oh-ho! That did it!

Oh-ho-ho!

My bottom half's on fire!

Come on, guys, put out the fire.

Relax, comrade, we will give you golden shower.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Ooh! Oh!

Oh, not in my face, comrade!

Now, back to The Civil War.

Let's see, um, in the new, uh, bestseller-

I don't know if you guys have heard of this new thing,

it's called the dictionary.

Uh, Daniel Webster just wrote it.

Um, it defines honor as one who brings

worth or respect or--

Okay, yeah, uh, yeah, they're playing me off.

All right, I'm, I'm going.

Um, there are so many people I have to thank still.

Um, everyone at UTA,

Jared Levine, Jared Cohen, Jared Cohenstein.

- Okay, hey, hey, hey! - Billy Rosenberg, David Greenbaum,

- Matthew Greenfield, Tina Kwan. - Okay, all right, all right. That enough.

- We ain't got time for the Jew stuff. - Okay, I'm still talking.

- That's enough, little boy. - I'm still talking!

That's enough, little boy.

- Hang 'em! - Oh, boy. Okay.

Yeah, this is happening. This is happening right now.

Oh, they got a guy. They got a guy.

Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from their stint in Europe,

please welcome the Confederate Players!

Let's bring up our emcee.

He's First Nation and first in your heart.

Give it up for Mingos!

- Oh, boy. - Hi.

I'm, uh, I'm Mingos.

Uh, so I just came from St. Louis and, uh...

Oh wait, I was supposed to say St. Louis, Missouri

because this joke is about the Missouri Compromise and-

Oh, you suck, weirdo.

What, what?

He said, "You suck, weirdo."

Go. You got it. You're good.

Has anybody heard about this telegraph?

Ah, go back home, weirdo!

Y-You know, I would love to,

but a bunch of you colonizers

built an Ohio on top of my home.

I-I mean, if you're gonna genocide a people,

you should get something better out of it than Cleveland.

That is a good observation!

If your house is near a river you can't pronounce,

you might be a colonizer.

It's working, Mingos!

Did I just find my voice?

What else is going on, here?

Is anybody here from Atlanta?

Yeah?

Well, your shit's on fire.

Anyway, you guys have been a bunch of inbred demons

rotten to your core.

But please welcome the Dixie Dicks!

Dixie Dicks?

- You know what to do, Mingos. - On it!

- Oh, yeah! - Nice, little music.

I like they do standup and then the music.

- Totally. We got a good view, too. - Yeah, yeah.

Boy, I'll tell you what, it is good to be back in the South.

Yeah. We just got back from the North.

Jesus Christ.

You were saying something, though, while we were leaving.

Oh, I sure was, partner.

What was that thing you were saying?

Well, Dix, I believe I said something like this.

♪ Well, I've traveled this great land of ours ♪

♪ And let me be the first ♪

♪ To say them Yankee states are among the greats ♪

♪ Of all time rotten worst ♪

♪ So fuck the North ♪

♪ Fuck the North! ♪

♪ Fuck that godforsaken North ♪

♪ Come on, sing it loud and proud ♪

- ♪ Fuck the North ♪ - ♪ Fuck the North! ♪

♪ Massachusetts's filled with snooty pricks ♪

♪ New Jersey's a wretched hole ♪

♪ And them fat cat porkers they call New Yorkers ♪

♪ Disgust me to my soul ♪

♪ Well, let Maine fuck off to Canada ♪

♪ And I hope New Hampshire follows ♪

♪ And Illinois sucks great big donkey dicks ♪

♪ While Michigan sucks and swallows ♪

♪ So forgive the hateful bile that we spew forth ♪

♪ But we hate them fucking fuckers ♪

- ♪ Fuck the North ♪ - ♪ Fuck the North! ♪

This song is highly offensive.

Yeah, but you gotta admit it slaps.

It is a bop.

This is a fucking freak show.

Time to save the day.

Mingos, we're running out of states to sing about.

♪ Now, Wisconsin is a shithole ♪

♪ Filled with lowlifes, chumps, and cheese ♪

♪ And Minnesota reeks of Viking farts ♪

♪ Even when it's two degrees ♪

♪ I say piss on Pennsylvania ♪

♪ With all them shaky quaky losers ♪

♪ And Indiana's worst of all ♪

♪ Just a bunch of goddamn Hoosiers ♪

- ♪ So fuck the North ♪ - ♪ Fuck the North! ♪

- ♪ Yeah, fuck the lot ♪ - Yee-haw!

- ♪ There ain't nothing worse ♪ - Hey!

♪ On God's green earth ♪

♪ than a goddamn Yankee twat ♪

♪ Yeah, up above that Mason-Dixon ♪

♪ They're all lowdown lying pricks and ♪

♪ It's a land of snobs and bambis ♪

♪ Dirty deviants sniffing panties ♪

♪ I say fuck them fuckin' fuckers ♪

- ♪ Fuck the North ♪ - ♪ Fuck the North ♪

Woo-hoo!

Thank you! We are three Union soldiers on a rescue mission!

I mean... The Confederate Players.

Crab apples!

Hey!

What the hell we got here?

I got him! He was trying to escape!

- Yeah? - Give me your gun.

Yeah, get him. You can walk-- Oh, no, hell, nah!

Dammit.

Hey, what's up familia? It's your boy Galileo.

Boy, that gravity bit went more viral

than syphilis at the Borgia orgy.

#Borgy, which I understand is now trending?

LOL!

But now that I have your attention,

I want to talk to you

about how the Earth revolve around the sun.

I can prove it with a little something called a telescope

You may not have heard of it because I just invented it.

The Yalta Conference.

History is told in pictures

and no one took those pictures

like the famed historical photographer, Serge,

alongside his perpetual plus-one, Clay.

Watch him shoot Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin

as the three men try to end World War II.

Please, Mr. Roosevelt,

Berlin is in our quarter of the country.

We will make sure it is safe, not to worry.

And who, Joseph, will keep us safe from you?

- You can always stay safe from me. - He's got a point.

The one in the middle is driving me nuts!

Like, he's just got a dumb suit like some

bozo finance bro.

- Very bad. - What do I do with him?

This guy is useless.

I have an idea.

Cape!

- Cape! - Mm.

Oh, you've never cease to amaze me.

- Oh, my! - Okay, come on.

You're so smart!

- Ooh! Who's my big cape boy? - Uh, I, I am.

Okay. (laughs) Daddy!

- Oh! Oh, oh! - Yes!

- You saved the day. - It looks good.

I-I will also take a cape.

No, you won't. You grabby bitch.

- All right. - All right, everybody, come on! Smile!

Ugh, repulsive.

I gotta shake it up. Attention!

At ease. Put your heads down.

Look left.

Look right. You're at a party.

You don't know anyone.

You're a little shy, but you still make eye contact.

Show me your pearly grays!

Oh, fuck, girl.

- Disgusting. Ew. - Look at that. So terrifying.

You know what? We're gonna fly in some props. You're in a band!

Girls night!

Oh, Dancing Diva, what are you up to?

- Hi! - Uh-oh! Winston, help her!

She's throwing up on the party bus!

You caught a fish!

That's a big fish!

Ugh, we'll just go with this one.

- Yeah, it'll work. - Okay, I think we got it!

Thank you guys so much! This is so much fun.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And hey, please, demilitarize Berlin.

They need to work on their club scene

Am I right, your basic slut?

Please tell me you found me a matcha latte.

I had to go to the Starbucks in the supermarket to get it.

- Uh, excuse me. - Yes?

Sorry to interrupt.

Do you shoot messy flag raisings?

Because we have something coming up in Iwo Jima.

Okay, you're embarrassing, but you're adorable.

Of course we'll be there! Obvi!

Baby, schedule some waxes,

we're going to the South Pacific!

Almost! Almost there!

It's fabulous, daddy.

♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪

Now back to Shirley Chisholm.

Tonight, on a

very special episode of Shirley,

playing White racist Governor George Wallace,

is national treasure comedian George Wallace.

Nurse! Nurse!

Nurse!

I am not your nurse.

Well, you sure as hell ain't my doctor.

The only medical professional you need

is an equine proctologist because you, sir,

are a horse's ass.

Oh, my God, it's Shirley Chisholm!

Oh, lord, have mercy! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Now you broke your bed.

This hospital is so cheap,

when I got my operation for anesthesia

the doctor just said, "Go to sleep!"

You come here to finish the job? You gonna kill me?

I'm not here to finish the job.

I'm here to say I'm sorry for what happened.

Well, I'm here as a racist White man with a gunshot wound.

Now, get your ugly ass outta here.

A little prick for a big one.

Why, Shirley Chisholm, in all my years,

I have never, ever felt so groovy.

Well, now that you've gone from Jim Crow to Jim Morrison,

maybe you and I can have a real conversation, George.

You got any of those little, funny cigarettes, Shirley?

George, we need to change

the political discourse in this country.

America doesn't need more name calling and gun fights.

America needs strong leadership

and more television channels.

You know, Shirley, truth is

I'm scared.

Aw!

I'm scared of giving power to the people

that we've done so much harm to.

I'm scared that I'm not really superior to anybody.

And I'm scared of olives.

They look like little witch's eyes.

Look-y, look-y! I'm gonna get you and your little-

This is some good shit.

Just promise me one thing, Shirley.

Promise me no matter what happens,

we will always be friends.

I don't know about friends, George,

but let's not be foes.

Aw!

Uh, Dr. Chisholm, um, the press is here.

The press? I said, I said, did you say the press?

Oh, I can't be associated with you people.

Y'all go on and get outta here, okay?

Well, I guess the drugs wore off.

Wait. Before you leave,

would you be a dear and empty my bedpan?

Uh! If you think Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm

is gonna be your servant,

- you got another thing coming. - No, no, no, no, Flo.

It would be my pleasure.

Besides, it's the Christian thing to do.

Shit! Shit!

Lets' get outta here.

Oh! Who's there?

Where are you taking me? I hope to the food court!

I'll be performing

at the world famous Laugh Factory in Las Vegas.

You can go see the Blue Man

or you can come see the Black man.

♪ Ooh, ooh Shirley ♪

Ciao, familia, it's your boy, Galileo.

I know you have not heard from me for a while

and that's because I was arrested for heresy.

But the truth is nobody love the church more than me!

Some of my best friends, they're priests.

My two daughters, they are nuns.

#NunDad.

So I'm gonna go take some time away,

think about what I say.

I'm so sorry.

I-I don't mean any of it.

I want to reflect on what I did

and think about the gravity of talking about gravity.

And maybe one day I can come back

and just do goof-arounds like I used to do.

That's it from me, Galileo.

To all of you I say, uh, peace-a.

Leaning tower of.

Now back to The Civil War.

Shit.

If you're about to hang a Native American,

you might be a colonizer.

You're shaking, sir. You nervous about dying?

Nope. Need a drink. Got the DTs.

By the way, great rescue mission.

Oh, thank you. That means a lot coming from you.

I'm joking. Look at us, we're fucked.

Yeah, you dirty Yankee dogs

are guilty of espionage and treason.

Plus that song you sang, that don't have a proper hook.

It's a new type of song, okay?

Hang 'em!

Oh, shit. Dying sober. I'm dying sober.

Oh, this is the worst.

What's going on?

We're escaping, that's what! Hyah!

Thought they was gonna save Grant without my help.

Dumb asses.

I'm coming, I'm coming!

Hello? Hello, excuse me!

Is this the train to JFK?

What time is your flight?

- Uh, four o'clock. - You'll never make it.

Captioned by Point.360