Original subtitles

So far we have seen, in the lobby at a silent film festival...

an unscheduled diversion.

The Tramp was a Riddler.

What the blazes was his game?

He was after a roll, a tasty payroll.

But this roll had a twist...

a crooked crew behind a movie camera.

And two stars who didn't know they were in the picture.

A trap...

caught again on film.

And in the abandoned cutting room of a bankrupt movie studio...

the Riddler and his felonious filmsters enjoyed the show...

and got ready for an even stranger one.

Temper tonic...

poured into innocent lemonade at Mr. Van Jones' temperance party.

Incredible effect:

Friends turned into snarling beasts.

A free-for-all.

And down in the driveway, a damsel in distress.

Oh, yeah?

Robin. Where's Robin?

In the Riddler's filthy clutches...

kindling for the biting buzz saw.

We warned you before...

we warn you again...

in just one minute you will see a boy wonder sawed in two.

Meanwhile, even as the buzz saw spins...

a desperate Batman races from the scene of Mr. Van Jones' fatal party...

bent on pursuit of Robin's captors.

Horrors, the Boy Wonder's tiny utility belt radio lost in the struggle.

No way of contacting him now.

Batman, wait!

I'm so ashamed, Batman, the way I behaved at that party.

It's not your fault. Riddler's henchmen spiked your drinks with temper tonic.

You've taken my universal drug antidote. You'll be all right.

But still, my unseemly behavior certainly contributed toward Robin's capture.

Let that be a lesson.

In future, be more careful from whom you accept free lemonade.

What the blazes?

Great Scott, Batman. Look up there, a parachute blossoming.

"A bear like a fallen tree"?

Easy. A bear lumbers and a fallen tree becomes lumber.

Good grief, another one.

"Why is silk like grass?"

Even easier.

You measure both by the yard.

Lumber, yard.

The Gotham Lumber Yard. That must be where he's holding Robin.

Goodbye, commissioner.

Speed to headquarters.

I'll call you if I need help.

Goodbye, Batman! Save that boy!

Robin?

Robin.

Do you hear me?

You'll be history now, Batman. Ha, ha, ha.

I'll do better than that, Riddler.

Question: When is a man a stupid relative, huh? Ha, ha, ha.

I've had enough of your murderous riddles.

Surprise, Batman.

This is what is known in the film game as a two-parter.

Look. Ha, ha, ha.

When is a man like a stupid relative?

When he's a mannequin.

A dummy.

Robin?

Riddler?

Stop! Surrender!

Give yourself up...

or by all that's holy, I might forget myself and do you violence.

My name is Pauline.

My lawyer's name is Mr. Oliver Wendell.

Why don't you look him up and buzz him.

No use, Batman. She's hard as nails.

Knows her legal rights too.

A frustrated would-be actress...

a star that was never born, venting her disappointment on society.

Only one thing to do, commissioner.

Take her to the Batcave and work on her.

Great Scott, Batman. Revealing its location would be tantamount to taking off your mask.

Not quite, commissioner.

Before the trip, I intend to render her senseless with a whiff of Bat-gas.

Hey, now, wait a minute.

- I'd like you to come along too, commissioner. - Me? To the Batcave?

When it's a question of Robin's safety, I don't entirely trust myself.

I'd like a witness present to make sure that I don't employ methods...

which might bounce back on me in court.

Well, of course, if you wish my presence, Batman, I'll...

Bat-gas for me as well?

It's a precaution I have to take, commissioner.

If you were captured and tortured by criminals...

you might reveal the location of the Batcave.

I place myself in your hands, Batman, with the most serene confidence.

Sit down, commissioner.

Restrain her, Chief O'Hara.

Hey, hey, wait! Wait, I want my lawyer!

Help! No, don't you dare...! Ah!

I assure you, commissioner, the sensation is not unpleasant.

Your handkerchief.

Great saints.

Chief O'Hara, summon some men.

We'll need help in getting them to the Batmobile.

Great Scott. At last, the fabulous Batcave.

- Unusual, isn't it? - Oh, magnificent.

I feel as if I've awakened in some future age.

Such equipment.

What fantastic ingenuity you and the Boy Wonder employed...

- in hooking it together. - True.

We did muster many long hours of brain power.

However this is no time for self-congratulation.

A small demonstration will now take place.

- A demonstration? - Yes, commissioner.

Take this can of Bat-wake.

When I give you this signal...

- spray a whiff of it in the prisoner's face. - Certainly.

You will notice, commissioner, that this Bat-mask...

in most ways, resembles an ordinary operating room oxygen mask.

I will introduce no drugs, no serums into Pauline's bloodstream.

- I understand. - Now, commissioner...

- Give her the Bat-wake, please. - Oh, yes. Ahem.

Where am I?

Deep in the entrails of the earth, Pauline...

where every instrument has been designed...

to combat crime and snare its perpetrators.

There are those who came to this Batcave and never left.

That is true.

Now tell me, where is Robin being held?

I don't know.

Are you sure?

Yes.

- I only know... - Yes?

- Those two riddles. - Give them.

Why was Flo Ziegfeld like a nearsighted man?

Because they both put on spectacles. Two?

What kind of men are always above board?

Chessmen.

Join me over here, commissioner.

Watch very carefully, commissioner.

I'm going to mingle Pauline's captured breath with the clear liquid in this container.

What do you hope to discover, Caped Crusader?

The truth, commissioner.

If Pauline's answers were true...

then the oxygen content of her breath will turn this liquid red.

If, however, she lied...

then the increase in her metabolism will increase the oxygen content of her breath...

and cause an imbalance, which will leave this liquid clear and undisturbed.

- Do you understand? - Oh, yes, yes, of course, sure.

Now for the test.

Would you squeeze the bag, commissioner?

Thank you.

Fantastic.

Oh, I doff my hat to you, Batman. No wonder you're the nemesis of crime.

Obviously you were telling the truth, young lady.

A wise decision, I promise you.

Commissioner.

You observed I used no undue methods to extract that confession.

Oh, none whatever. I'd affirm that in the highest court in the land.

But what do those strange clues mean, Batman?

Simple, commissioner.

Look at it in the context of the theme which has run throughout this entire case:

Silent movies.

Clue one, spectacles.

Harold Lloyd, of course. He always wore spectacles...

and he was often found perilously balanced on the ledge of a high building.

Chessmen.

The Chessman Building.

Right, commissioner.

I'll call Chief O'Hara on the Bat-Phone, alert him where to find you along the roadside.

I'll also tell him that he will find this standby container of Bat-wake...

in your right-hand coat pocket.

Oh, right there. Oh, thank you.

This has been a privilege, Batman, a rare privilege.

I thank you.

You're welcome.

Fire away.

Meanwhile, on a narrow ledge...

just below the roof of the venerable Chessman Building...

the Riddler and his felonious filmsters prepare to shoot a shattering spectacle...

stolen straight from Harold Lloyd.

Coming up, the last reel in our dizzying drama, starring the Boy Wonder...

going down.

Ha, ha, ha. This time no whimsical dummy, but the real thing.

You low-down fiend. What's the point of all of this?

Comedy, Boy Wonder.

Lighthearted comedy to accommodate a connoisseur.

Riddler, this life of crime has finally softened your brain.

- Oh? - Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha. Question: Can a Robin fly if his wings are clipped?

You won't earn a nickel murdering me, Riddler. This doesn't make sense.

Correct, Boy Wonder. Not cents, dollars.

At least $1 million.

Rehearsal.

Make sure my safety belt doesn't show.

With you, Riddler, baby.

Make with the action.

Whoop. Heh, heh, heh.

Ah-ah-ah! Whoa! Whoa! Ah-ah-ah! Whoa, whoa!

Cut. End of rehearsal.

This time we film it.

But mit the difference, ja?

Ja, mit the difference.

This time the Boy Wonder makes the plunge.

- Rolling. - Mit the mood music.

Robin!

- Curses! - The Bat-Rope!

Grab it with your teeth.

Hold on, Robin, tight.

I'll lead you back up to the ledge.

You all right, Robin?

Holy molars, am I ever glad I take good care of my teeth.

True, you owe your life to dental hygiene.

If only more people...

Those cowardly crooks, they're escaping again.

If only we had our Batcopter.

- Holy smokes, skywriting. - More clues, no doubt.

You're right, Batman. Look, a riddle.

"What kind of machine has ears?"

That one's for nursery school. A train, of course.

A train has engineers.

You wanna land us all back up in the pen again, baby?

Lackeys, you don't realize these clues have a false meaning.

"A cowboy wear a tight belt"?

The same reason a policeman or anyone else does, to hold up his pants.

Train, a holdup.

Wow, the El Chief.

- Which? - The El Chief, Batman.

A famous train which all the movie people used to take.

And Riddler is planning to hold it up.

It fits like a glove.

Yes, it does. Very good thinking, Robin.

Commissioner Gordon, Robin calling from the Batmobile.

Thank heavens you're safe. How do you feel?

Just great. How do you feel?

No noxious aftereffects whatever.

Tell Batman it was like waking from a strange, refreshing dream.

I'll do that, commissioner.

In the meantime, here's a red-hot tip.

Send every man you've got to Gotham Central Station.

Stake out that famous train, the El Chief.

A strange and shocking twist to the plot.

For even as the defenders of law and order descend on Gotham Central Station...

the Riddler shows up on the other side of the city...

at the mansion of Mr. Van Jones, famed fancier of old silent films.

Well, come in.

Mr. Riddler, at last.

Yeah, I have it right here, Mr. Van Jones...

my silent masterpiece.

The only silent movie ever made of Batman and Robin in action.

I can hardly wait.

Oh. Heh, heh.

Imagine, the first silent epic filmed in almost four decades...

mine.

What a triumph for a collector like myself.

But come on, let's run it. Come on.

Sensational, Mr. Riddler.

Worth every penny of the $100,000 I contracted to pay you.

I thank you, Mr. Van Jones.

Just a moment, I'll put this film in the safe, and get you your check.

Will you excuse me?

Have no fear for the safety of your epic, Mr. Riddler.

I'll keep it with my others in this burglar-proof vault.

It can be opened by positively no one but myself.

Mr. Van Jones, why are you like a clock at midnight?

Answer:

Because both your hands are going straight up right now.

What is this?

This is your last reel.

Step aside.

But my film, you can't take it.

They're priceless.

I think we'll find a price...

when you try to ransom them back.

This way, partners!

No sheriff, Riddler, baby?

Posse went thataway, to the train station.

- Hurry it up, boys. - Yeah.

Clean out that safe and let's head for them hills.

- What the blazes? - A bat shadow.

Same old ending, Riddler.

It never fails.

Thought you had us fooled with your clues, huh?

The Great Train Holdup, the most famous silent film ever made...

and the only existing print is right here in the Van Jones safe.

Get them, boys.

Get them, or we'll never make it to the border.

Good heavens.

Call Chief O'Hara, Robin.

Tell him we have the entire cast right here.

Unh. The cast?

You're about to star in a picture of your very own, Riddler...

a long picture.

Title: Up the River.

Alfred, why are you dawdling so?

We're going to be late at the restaurant.

- Is that so, madam? - Well, of course, it's so.

We're due to meet Dick and Bruce there at 8:00.

As you say, madam.

Alfred, really, and on my birthday too...

when Dick and Bruce promised they'd have a big surprise for me.

And that's precisely what I shouldn't wish you to miss, madam.

- Happy Birthday, Mrs. Cooper. - Many happy returns.

Merciful heavens to Betsy, it's Batman and Robin.

My friend, Bruce, contacted me through the commissioner.

He said you'd always wanted to meet the Dynamic Duo.

Kind of like a birthday surprise, Mrs. Cooper.

- It's an honor, ma'am. - And a pleasure too.

May we take the liberty?

I think we better run.

Right. We'll be late for that appointment we have tonight.

Happy birthday again, Mrs. Copper.

Quickly, let's race to the Batmobile.

Oh, Alfred.

Alfred, imagine. They kissed me.

Will Bruce and Dick ever believe that when I tell them?

Oh, I'm sure they will.

After all, I was a witness.

- Madam? - Heh, heh.

Next week, the Penguin waddles again.