Original subtitles

MEL BROOKS: Mesoamerica.

♪

[grunting]

Look, guys. Listen, listen, listen.

I know the Sun God is waging an eternal battle against darkness

and in order for the sun to come up every day,

we have to sacrifice a virgin.

I get it, we've all been there.

But... I'm not a virgin.

[laughing]

Why are you laughing? I'm being serious.

I've had so much sex.

This is actually the first time I haven't had sex all day.

I'm usually having sex all the time.

I'm one of the most disgusting people you'll ever meet.

I pork, I smash, I crush,

I slurp, I pancake, I waffle, I brunch.

[scoffs] Wow.

WOMAN: You know, if I'm a virgin,

then why do I know so much about butts?

I'm honestly looking out for you guys

'cause if you sacrifice the wrong person,

guess whose ass is on the line?

[both scoff]

You know what, fine, if you guys don't believe me,

sacrifice me, see what happens.

[both scream]

♪

[gasps] Did you guys see that?

[men whimpering] Holy shit!

The gods know, the gods know I fuck.

♪ theme music playing ♪

♪

MEL: History of the World, Part II.

♪

♪ Russian folk music playing ♪

Previously on The Russian Revolution...

What are we gonna do about Lenin?

I serve sandwiches to Vladimir Lenin

and all of his comrades every day

where they remain completely unguarded.

[singsongy] Bagel and schmear for Vladimir.

I think we have our in.

♪ Russian folk music plays ♪

[wind whistling]

♪

JOSEPH STALIN: Uh, Comrade Lenin, sorry to bug,

can I get a backstage pass for one of your speeches

for my good friend Commissioner?

He lives in Georgia and if--

- Shh. - Okay, I'm sorry.

[sighs]

Okay, who's next now?

Oh, Comrade Trotsky, you had presentation.

Yes, thank you, Comrade Lenin.

So I have built the Red Army as we know,

and I thought it could be kind of interesting

if our soldiers march like this.

Music.

♪ fast-paced march music plays ♪

That's the wrong song, hold on. Play track two.

LEON TROTSKY [over speaker]: Trotsky movie idea,

two close friends crash weddings

- and make love to beautiful women. - That--

That's a voice memo, please skip to the next one.

♪ electronic dance music playing ♪

That's the one, that's the one, that's the one.

Start to feel it. Are we feelin' it?

Here it is, right here. And one, two, three.

♪

And a kick.

And a kick.

And a kick.

Then we back it up,

and then we back it up.

And a hip twist. Whoo! [music ends]

Yes, I, uh--

What are we thinking? Are we liking? Is it--

Well, I love the kick.

TROTSKY: Kick. Kick, good.

But, uh, the backing up I don't like.

But the backing up shows that we, we go both directions.

I don't know, it's weird.

It's like retreating.

- TROTSKY: No, no, no. It's not retreat. - I don't like it.

If it was retreat, I would do a kick

and then I fuckin' run away like that.

It's not, it's letting them know we're here.

We're here, we're not going anywhere.

I also don't like that you're saying things

as you're doing them.

It's a little bougie.

Very convenient now.

His idea to back up.

[laughs]

I had nothing to do with this.

- Yeah, I don't like it. - Yeah, it's bad.

Why don't you go fuck yourself, motherfucker?

Huh? TROTSKY: Say it again.

- Say it to my face. - I'm-I'm sorry.

- I'm right here now! - Nothing.

[babbling]

I'm-- I'm sorry. [Trotsky babbles]

TROTSKY: [mockingly] I'm sorry.

What the fuck?

♪ tense music plays ♪

I kill you someday.

Enough!

I think we are all a little hangry, hmm, yeah?

Where is the Schmuck, huh?

SCHMUCK: Uh-oh.

[bell ringing] My ears are itching.

Did somebody say my name?

Oh, hello, boys. I brought you some lovely treats.

Tell me you brought black and white cookies.

Notski for Trotsky.

Due to an icing error of my own making,

I do not have black and white cookies,

but only gray cookies today, gray cookies.

But I do have a special treat for my dear Comrade Lenin.

[gun cocks] [Stalin yelps]

A bullet in your kishke!

Fanny, what are you doing?

FANNY: I'm here to kill this man

who's ruining the soul of the revolution!

That wasn't me, that was Stalin.

FANNY: Stalin?

Yes, it was me.

Fellas, I swear on Marx,

I had no idea she was gonna do this!

Fanny, as your husband, I demand, nay, humbly ask

that you don't shoot the leader of our country

and also my best customer.

And furthermore, you're standing in my coleslaw.

Schmuck, you are such a coward.

Move outta the way or I will shoot him right through you.

You wouldn't dare! [gun cocks]

SCHMUCK: [gasps] Oh!

My kishke.

SCHMUCK: Oh! [gun cocks]

Okay, so she dared.

[screams] TROTSKY: Oh, no!

SCHMUCK: She double dared!

I have to three.

Triple threat. That's why I married her.

FANNY: The revolution has been saved

from demagoguery.

Nothing can go wrong in Russia now!

- Let's go. - Okay.

FANNY: Now we're going.

Fellas, I'm so sorry. I didn't know she was gonna do this.

Also, gratuity is not included, but encouraged.

Thank you so much. Gonna leave that right there.

Ooh, I got 'em good.

Also, a five-star on Putz Mates would be really helpful.

Thank you.

Don't worry, I know CCCPR.

I think I'm going to be fine.

No, no, no, no, no, CCCPR. [Lenin groaning]

VLADIMIR LENIN: Help! Well, you're doing it wrong!

Uh-oh, we're losing him!

[Lenin groans]

I gotta do mouth-to-mouth!

I'd rather die.

[inhales sharply]

You're so noisy when you breathe.

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

♪

MEL: And now, The Story of Jesus & Mary Magdalene.

♪ gentle piano music playing ♪

GRANDMA: Alright, sweetheart,

let's grab up the decorations

and get back downstairs.

Are they in this box, Grandma?

Oh, no, that's just some of my old stuff.

You went to New York City?

Oh, yeah.

I used to live above a coffee shop

where Rachel, Ross, and a whole bunch of other white friends

would drink coffee from soup bowls.

What's this?

[chuckles] That's something I used to write in a long time ago.

Is it an old iPad?

Are you serious?

It's a notebook.

♪

You wanna hear how I got it?

Uh, not really.

Too bad, too bad, sit down.

You're gonna listen.

So it all started at a fair.

♪

Step right up, step right up,

and I will guess your age.

I'm gonna say you're 25.

That's right.

This was 25 back then.

Eggs, eggs for sale.

Hey, beat the heat with a nice room-temperature egg.

No, chill about the eggs.

I just want matzah on a stick.

Listen, Mary, we came to the carnival to make money, not to have fun.

Can't we just take one day off?

♪

The Magdalene sisters do not take days off,

the Magdalene sisters sell eggs.

Eggs, nice, white, oval, plain eggs for sale.

Solid stuff.

I told you several times,

nobody want them white-ass chicken eggs.

You think that if I didn't have like a colorful batch of eggs

that I wouldn't sell them, huh, Luke?

You need some kinda magical creature

that lays colorful eggs to catch people's attention.

Listen to me, listen to me, I don't have time for your pitches today.

Hey, you need my boy Jesus. Jesus!

♪ celestial music playing ♪

♪

Excuse me, miss.

You look like you need saving.

I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm Jesus of Nazareth.

Some call me Jesus Christ, Son of God.

Ooh. Some call him broke and corny.

- Hey, watch it now. - Oh, yeah, I-- I've heard of you before.

You're a carpenter, right?

I am, and I perform miracles.

What, like finishing a project on time and being under budget?

What? No. I mean, the supply chain,

the cost of lumber, inflation. MARY: Oh!

- JESUS: Girl, what are you talking about? - Okay. Bye.

No. Wait, wait. Hey, hey, I mean, perform real miracles.

[Martha scoffs]

[buzzer buzzes] [man gasps]

If you can dunk me, I'll leave you alone.

♪

Mary. Mary!

♪

You ready? JESUS: I'm ready.

Come on, dunk me. MAN: Go, JC.

[spits] MARTHA: Ew.

[grunting]

[buzzer buzzes]

CROWD: Oh!

♪ angelic music playing ♪

I call this walkin' on water.

Jesus Christ!

- And you owe me a date. - Okay.

♪ romantic music playing ♪

GRANDMA: Jesus knew his time was short,

so he put the moves on her right away.

I'm 25.

GRANDDAUGHTER: Ugh, Grandma, this is getting romantic.

GRANDMA: That's because it's a parody

of a romantic movie.

Sorry it's not that zombie, vampire, whatever shit you watch.

Camel or a notebook, hmm?

Notebook.

♪

I feel like you've been walking with me my whole life.

Ah, I mean, I'm always walkin' with you,

even when I'm not here.

Honestly, I don't even know if I would want you

following me around everywhere 'cause some stuff is private.

♪

Jesus? JESUS: I'm here.

Oh, my God!

JESUS: Check out the footprints.

- Cool, right? - [gasps] Is that you?

Oh, my God, your feet are huge.

- Oh! Oh! - Oh, come on!

Oh! I stepped in camel shit. [winces]

Oh, it's all in the grooves. Can you believe that?

Do you have like a stick, or a coffee stirrer or something?

Um, maybe, I don't know, you could rinse it off or--

You wanna see something cool?

[Mary giggles] Close your eyes.

- And get ready. - [exhales] Okay.

♪ uplifting music playing ♪

♪

Oh, my God.

[gasps]

Make it snow now!

No, we still in the desert, I can't do that.

Oh, okay, this is a true miracle!

[gasps, laughs]

♪

Are you ready to be saved?

I am. I wanna be saved.

♪

Yes! Jesus Christ is my boyfriend!

GRANDMA: Jesus and Mary were in love,

but much like your grandfather in bed, it didn't last long.

GRANDDAUGHTER: Grandma!

GRANDMA: Oh, don't be such a prude.

I'll tell you how it ended after some unrelated sketches.

♪

♪ guitar music plays ♪

Hi, my name is Rasputin,

and this is getting my dick cut off.

Oh, yeah, right in the kuskus.

Oh!

Oh!

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

[laughing]

Oh! Ho-ho!

Oh! Ow! My baby! My baby!

♪

[Lance retching]

Take your finger off your tuchus and put it under Lance's nose.

[retching]

Get him, get him!

[retches]

Oh! [laughing]

Oh, man.

♪

♪ drumbeats ♪

MEL: The Pyramids.

♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪

[gasps] Ahmed, look, a basket.

AHMED: Sonora, we don't have extra gold.

SONORA: Ugh.

GLORP: Did I hear someone say extra gold?

Yes.

True or true, you'd like some more gold?

True and true.

- How did he know that? - I don't know.

- Hi, I'm Glorp. - Glorp?

Did you know that building pyramids

is the fastest-growing industry in Egypt?

All the best pharaohs are buried in them

with their cats and their slaves.

But they're for rich people. GLORP: That's right.

Don't you think you deserve to get in on that action?

Well, yeah, but, I mean--

Well, it just so happens that I can get you in on the ground floor,

and when it comes to building pyramids, that's limestone.

[chuckles] Laugh out laugh.

[Sonora chuckles awkwardly]

Yeah, it sounds a little too good to be true.

There's gotta be a catch, right?

I appreciate your skepticism

and I love all your questions.

This is how it works.

You get two friends to build a pyramid.

Okay, I know two friends.

And then you sell them the materials.

Uh-huh. Okay.

GLORP: Then, they get two friends

to build pyramids,

and so on, and so on.

Okay, sounds like a pyramid scheme.

It's not a pyramid scheme,

it's a pyramid opportunity.

That's the beauty of AfterALife.

This sounds just like that herbal supplement thing

that you got really into

and you went to that scary dark place. [shushes]

AHMED: Don't embarrass me in front of Glorp.

I'll even give you a new cart to transport your materials.

[bell rings]

Okay, but when do we start seeing a return?

Oh, we've got a thinker here.

I can see who wears the skirt in this relationship.

You can begin whenever you want.

With the pyramid project, you are your own pharaoh.

Hello, jerk! Hey, you, I want my gold back!

Oh, hi, Zakhor.

Another satisfied customer.

Did you guys know that you gotta build six pyramids

to get that pink cart?

I don't think we were there in the scam yet.

I can explain. If you factor in...

[communicator chimes] ...requesting immediate teleportation,

please, to Machu Picchu.

Machu Picchu, please.

- Who are you talking to? - Customer service, hold on.

What?

Mexico City, Machu Picchu, anywhere will do.

I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass.

Quickly, quickly.

[Zakhor yelps]

Where'd he go?

[thunder rumbles]

Ugh, looks like it's about to rain.

[frogs croaking]

Ah, it's just a drizzle.

♪

MEL: And now the conclusion of Jesus & Mary.

♪

GRANDMA: Mary's heart belonged to Jesus,

and she wrote about it in her notebook

just like in the 2004 film.

JESUS: Mary? Mary?

Jesus?

Mary!

Jesus. [sighs deeply]

I was thinking about you all day.

♪

What's wrong?

Do you have to use the bathroom?

I mean, ours is clogged.

It wasn't me.

[sighs] I, uh--

I-I came to say goodbye.

[laughs]

Oh, that's how it is.

So you baptize a girl, find out she takes huge dumps,

and then you just dip out?

No! It's not you.

[clicks tongue, sighs]

I don't know, my dad is back on his bullshit.

I can't believe I'm never gonna see you again.

You know, actually, I think I'm back in like three days?

Really?

Yeah, it's like a long weekend.

Guys, we did it! We did it!

Oh, my God, we got a chicken to fuck a bunny rabbit!

Yeah, yeah, and the rabbit laid these colorful eggs.

It's fucked up.

And the good thing is those eggs are chocolate.

- MARTHA: Yeah. - And when those eggs hatch?

The chicks are marshmallows!

Marshmallows. It's fucked up, but it's delicious.

It's fucked up! [laughter]

Now we just need like some kind of holiday

where people wanna buy this kinda weird shit.

How about this Sunday?

I couldn't think of a better way for you to honor me.

Do this in memory of me.

Okay.

Bye, Jesus.

♪

Goodbye, Mary.

♪

My little lamb.

Spread my message to your flock,

my message of love and...

Honk.

Oh, if the Romans come, I was never here.

LUKE: I got a holiday.

We get some graham crackers and call that shit S'mores Day.

Just call it Easter, guys.

Oh, thank you for finally helping!

Yes. [chuckles]

Come on. [Luke laughs]

LUKE: Hey, you two getting frisky again?

GRANDDAUGHTER: So this story is about the Easter bunny?

No, that's just a B-story.

Uh, where's my phone?

No attention span TikTok-ass.

♪

JESUS [whispers]: It was us.

♪

I am losing my damn mind.

♪

MEL: Meanwhile, back in Moscow.

FANNY: Schmuck, move faster! SCHMUCK: Oh, please, Fanny,

I got a terrible review on Putz Mates.

I'm gonna have to work for Schlubhub now.

[grunts]

I can't believe you shot Lenin.

He was my best customer!

I shot him three times

and didn't even kill him, the cockroach.

What is he, Rasputin?

What is happening to this family?

How could it get any worse?

JOSH: Mom, Dad,

I want you to meet Princess Anastasia Romanov.

The sole surviving heir to the Russian throne?

Get her outta here, Joshy!

And she's my fiancée.

[gasps] My baby's getting married! [Schmuck groans]

Since your whole family is dead,

how many people do I get to invite to the wedding?

Think about it. [kisses] SCHMUCK: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

When did you get engaged?

During the commercial break.

What? But what about the people with Hulu Plus?

They're living in a commercial-free world.

They're completely in the dark, as are we!

They chose their own ad experience.

They're capitalist sheep. [Schmuck groans]

Aw, I love sheep.

Oh, I always assumed I'd have Jewish grandchildren,

with, with hip dysplasia and bipolar disorder!

[groans, shudders]

Schmuck, stop moaning, we need to think of a plan!

You're gonna shoot me!

- You're gonna shoot me! - I'm not gonna shoot you!

You're gonna jump on me!

Don't jump on me!

[screaming]

I'm hysterical! I'm hysterical!

[shuddering stops] I--

I'm in pain.

I'm in pain and I'm still hysterical!

[babbling]

Schmuck, Schmuck, we've been through this.

Come on, breathe, you know what to do.

[snorting, exhales]

Yes.

[snorting, exhales] Yes.

Anyway, these are my parents. [Anastasia giggles]

SCHMUCK: Alright, we need to get outta here.

We need to f-f-flee to, flee to America!

Yeah, how the hell are we gonna do that with no money?

Oh, is this money?

[Schmuck gasps]

- She's paying for the wedding. - Okay.

- Alright. - That's money.

[train horn blows]

ANNOUNCER: Last train out of Mother Russia boarding now.

I hope there's extra leg room on this train.

My ticket is economy minus.

ANASTASIA: This isn't gonna work.

We're never gonna get outta Moscow.

SCHMUCK: We just need to get on that train

and nobody's gonna mess with a golem.

What's a golem?

We're a golem.

Joshy, I'm not so sure about this shiksa.

JOSH: She's really cool, Ma.

She was teaching me all about something called a Christmas tree.

Jesus.

Why am I on the bottom?

Because my spine is cursed.

What's up? I'm talking to you guys.

And not talking to the people inside of my coat.

FANNY: What's going on out there?

What's happening?

We're coming up on some soldiers, so be cool.

Thank you, gentlemen. Thank you for your service.

I would've served myself, but I had shin splints,

so, thank you, though.

To Russia with love.

You know who has four feet and loves train rides?

This guy, a golem.

Oh, hello?

FANNY: Shush, Schmuck! [Schmuck's stomach rumbles]

SCHMUCK: Ooh, got a demon in my stomach.

Hello. FANNY: Schmuck.

Calm down. Don't give us away.

Okay, we're just 20 yards from the train car.

- [Schmuck farts] - What is that?

SCHMUCK: Cry-me-a River. FANNY: Oh, no.

SCHMUCK: Okay, that's funny.

- FANNY: What is it? - What is that smell?

Calm down. Shh!

It smells like a rat died or something.

Oh, honey, I get a little sour stomach

whenever I'm fleeing a country.

[farting] It happens, sorry.

I'm gonna go blind.

I'm gonna go blind. I'm panicking.

What are you complaining about?

It's the stuntman doing all the work.

ANASTASIA: I'm freaking out! I can't be in here right now, you guys.

I'm being serious. [Schmuck farting]

FANNY: Get it together.

Just an everyday golem boarding a train, nothing to see.

[chuckles] Okay, there's the car, we're almost there.

ANASTASIA: I'm panicking! I can't be in here!

- FANNY: Schmuck. - Oh, my God.

[Schmuck farting] Oh, God!

Oh, oh, oh!

[farting]

♪

Go, go, go, go, go!

ANNOUNCER: Last train out of Mother Russia leaving now.

Stop! Stop that train!

Fanny, come on, what are you doing? The train's about to leave!

I'm gonna stay here and fight for the revolution!

What? But what about our son?

[scoffs]

Josh is so clearly not your son.

- SCHMUCK: Uh-huh. - Look at him, he's beautiful.

But I'm telling you this because I need you to know.

- Uh-huh. - I never loved you.

Fanny, what are you saying?

- Oy vey. - Huh?

ANNOUNCER: All aboard!

Goodbye, Schmuck.

[train whistle blows]

Goodbye forever, my sour pickle!

I'm flying in for the wedding.

Great, we'll sit next to each other and share an entrée!

I'm bringing a date, I don't wanna talk about it.

Oh, Fanny, it's water under the bridge!

Tell Josh right away!

SCHMUCK: I'll tell him when we get to America,

which might not be for a while

because I don't think this train is moving!

No, tell him right away. Rip the Band-Aid.

Oh, I'll tell him someday, Fanny.

♪ Someday maybe tomorrow ♪

And so, this story has come to its natural conclusion.

[farts] [train horn honks]

♪ Hey ♪

♪ All my girls bossy, ride with me, I'm a savage ♪

♪ All my girls bossy, if they want it they can have it ♪

♪ I ain't leaving till I get the bag B ♪

♪ Ride with me, all my girls, all my girls with me ♪

♪ All my girls bossy, ride with me, I'm a savage ♪

♪ All my girls bossy, if they want it they can have it ♪

♪ I ain't leaving till I get the bag B, ride with me ♪

♪ All my girls, all my girls with me ♪

♪

♪ Ride with me, all my girls, all my girls with me ♪

♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ All my girls bossy, ride with me, I'm a savage ♪

♪ All my girls bossy, if they want it they can have it ♪

♪ I ain't leaving till I get the bag B ♪

♪ Ride with me, all my girls, all my girls with me ♪

♪ All my girls bossy, ride with me, I'm a savage ♪

♪ All my girls bossy, if they want it they can have it ♪

♪ I ain't leaving till I get the bag B ♪

♪ Ride with me, all my girls, all my girls with me ♪

♪

♪ Ride with me, all my girls, all my girls with me ♪

♪ fanfare plays ♪

Here in the South, we afford people common courtesy.

Not all people.

- Hm... - Hm!

NARRATOR: Tomorrow night, the landmark event continues.

- We do we do? - We celebrate.

I'm making a Manhattan.

I wrote the chorus for "Let it Baa."

JUDAS: I mean, I thought we were the Fab 12

but I guess it turns out we're the Fab 13.

Khan! [screaming]

Okay, I think we got it! Thank you guys so much! It was so much fun!

And please, demilitarize Berlin.

They need to work on their club scene.