Original subtitles

MEL BROOKS: Alexander Graham Bell.

In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell

made the first phone call in history

with the help of his assistant, Mr. Thomas Watson.

Mr. Watson, come here. I need you.

It worked! [laughing]

Huzzah, gentlemen. Congrats to all of us.

This was a team effort,

even though I kinda ran point on it. [phone ringing]

Watson.

It's, it's ringing.

Oh, uh, answer it.

Hello.

[deep breathing through phone] VOICE [on phone]: Hello?

Who is this?

VOICE: It's your mama.

- [all murmuring] - Mama?

But my mama has passed on. Watson! Watson.

Hm?

She says it's my mother.

Well, if she's saying it's your mom,

I mean, who knows what this new technology can do.

Yes, good point. Okay, very well.

Mama?

Mama, it’s little Alex. Are you there?

[high-pitched] Yes.

[stifled laughter] It’s your mama!

Alex, my baby boy. I am so proud of you.

Thank you, Mother.

WATSON: There's only one thing that could make me more proud.

Let your mama see that dick.

- [all murmuring] - What?

What did she-- Watson, Watson!

- Is this you? - It's not me.

But it can't-- it cannot be. It can't--

I don't believe you.

Whoever this is, I want you to know something.

The authorities are being called.

[normal voice] Oh yeah? Good luck. They don’t have a fuckin' phone.

Shit. It is illegal, sir, to make phone calls of a crank nature.

WATSON [high-pitched]: You would call the police on your own dear mother?

If you are my mother, what is your last name?

- WATSON: Bell. - That's my mother. That confirms it.

Do me a favor, sweetie.

- BELL: Anything at all, name it. - Let your mama see that dick.

[all murmuring] Let me see a dick pic.

[stifled laughter] BELL: Dick pic? Very well, Mother.

If it will bring you a modicum of peace.

WATSON: Okay. Something tasteful.

Ah, all right,

hold on, Mama. [pants unzipping]

And here we go. One and a-two and a-three.

There it is.

Can you just do one more thing for me?

BELL: Anything, Mother.

Uh, take your pee-pee... BELL: Yes?

...and fuck the phone.

BELL: But it’s my invent-- All right, I, I, I shall do it, Mother.

Going in.

[bell ringing]

Ah! The metal is cold.

This can't be safe. There's so many wires.

WATSON: That's impressive. You're Mama's special little boy.

BELL: Thank you, Mommy. I love you, Mommy.

Ah, don't take a photograph!

[camera clicks]

Ah!

♪ theme music plays ♪

MEL: History of the World:

Part II.

Previously, on The Russian Revolution...

Get your mud pies from me, Schmuck Mudman!

All you need to do is add water.

All I care about is falling in love.

The idiot Tsar and his parasitic family have been executed!

Wee!

I'm, like, literally dead right now

because my whole family is literally dead right now.

We must go to Moscow and join the revolution!

SCHMUCK MUDMAN: Let’s pack our one bag.

MEL: In Moscow, Vladimir Lenin and his top men

discuss forming the new Soviet Union.

And if they order lunch, Sov-iet!

Little bit of cream for you.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for goat’s cream?

Nyet!

Comrade Lenin, I have an idea I would love to bounce off you.

Hey, Stalin, quit stalling and get me another cup of joe, Joe.

[laughter] JOSEPH STALIN: Yes, sir. Right away, sir.

Comrades, as you all know,

we won the revolution,

but the battle is not yet over.

We must purge the cancerous elements from within the party

in a little something that I’ve been calling

"The Red Terror."

- Oh. - The Red Terror.

[snapping]

Comrade Trotsky, you don’t have to raise your hand. You just proceed.

Oh, yeah, very well. [clears throat] Comrade Lenin,

may I humbly present a design of my own?

Called "The Crimson Wave."

How about the "Bloodiest Time of the Month"?

VLADIMIR LENIN: "Aunt Flo’s Coming to Town."

I think there's still a clear winner. It’s "Red Terror" 'cause it’s spooky.

Oh, [laughs] I, I made one, too. You like?

[laughter] LEON TROTSKY: Stalinism?

What is wrong with you, Jojo? Just make us coffee, okay?

Yeah, and keep the pretty little mouth shut.

Yes, thank you. Thank you, honey. [bell ringing]

Speaking of honey-- LENIN: Oh!

I've got some sweet and savory treats for my favorite customers.

- Hey, there he is. Finally. - I'm so sorry I'm late.

We didn’t keep time in the shtetl, we just kept secrets.

I have no idea where my wife went on our wedding night.

All right, what do we got here?

Let's see, we got a borscht for Boris,

a turkey for Trotsky,

and for our great leader, a bagel and schmear for Vladimir.

What about my pickled herring?

My herring has yet to pickle and it is my great shame.

- Ah. - And last, but definitely least,

don't think I forgot, a celery soda!

- Celery soda for Stalin. - That's all I get for lunch?

Aww, I'm just joe-king.

- [all laughing] - Oh, I thought--

I got a stew for Stalin. What a weak fuckin’ loser, huh?

- Not strong man material. - No, this, this guy rules.

TROTSKY: Yeah. LENIN: This Schmuck.

Oh! Speaking of rules,

we all must wash our hands before we eat.

♪ Russian music playing ♪

We all... walkin' in a line? All right.

♪ melancholy music playing ♪

♪ Someday ♪

♪ The world won’t mock my shy and timid ways ♪

♪ The people will all lavish me with praise ♪

♪ Someday I shall rule this land ♪

♪ With kindness, love, and light ♪

♪ With open hearts and open minds ♪

♪ Our future will shine bright ♪

♪ The masses will adore me ♪

♪ As together we stand taaall ♪

♪ And if not, then there's plan B ♪

♪ I'll rip out their fucking hearts and devour them ♪

♪ One and aaall ♪

♪ Someday ♪

[thundering] MEL: Noah’s Ark.

♪ intense music plays ♪

[heavy breathing]

HAM: I think that's everything.

Where's father?

Uh, Noah's probably inside with all the animals.

Now, we must ignore those who say that father has lost his mind.

I said it. I said he's lost his mind.

He's built a giant boat because God told him the world was ending?

- It's kinda nuts. - In his defense, it's pouring outside.

What, it's the rainy season, Ham!

Sarah, Father knows what he's doing.

Hey, guys. How's it goin'? [thundering]

Oh, Father, excellent. You have the dogs.

And wherest are the rest of the animals?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They’re in here. Come check 'em out.

[indistinct chatter]

Heh?

[barking]

Soak it in.

HAM: Father, what's going on? Where are the other beasts?

I thought you were supposed to get two of every animal?

I did get two of every animal.

I got two chihuahuas, I got two Pekingeses, two pugs.

Actually, I got three pugs. Don't tell God.

I think I'm gonna take my chances with the flood.

- No, no, no. Sarah, Sarah, wait-- - Yes.

Sarah's right. This is kinda stupid.

- You're kinda stupid. - Father!

It was a stupid thing to say!

Ham, did you bring my special bag?

Yes, Father. As you asked. NOAH: Pass it over, Ham.

I almost died bringing it to you. NOAH: Thank you, Ham.

All right you little monsters,

- have at it! Go crazy! - Oh, my God.

Oh my-- NOAH: Get it! [laughs]

JAPETH: This is bananas.

No, this is Bananas. She's a rescue.

And what are we to eat? No goats or eggs or chickens?

I knew you would ask that and I came with what I know will be

a unanimously beloved solution. JAPETH/SARAH: Great.

We eat Sarah.

- My wifeth? - Your wifeth!

Oh, you just try to eat me, you fucking bitch!

I will try. JAPETH: Enough.

God gave you a mission and you failed him.

Look, here's the deal.

We're gonna be on this boat, per God, for 40 days and 40 nights.

Do you wanna spend that time

getting sprayed in the face with hippopotamus shit?

Gettin' bit by two of every bug? With tigers and lions?

How long would we last with a tiger here?

What I wanna do is spend the next

month and 10 days snuggling with these little babies.

We cannot live in a world where the only animals are tiny dogs.

I mean, what are we supposed to do with this

absolutely adorable little cuddle monster?

Oh, I hope God invents a tuxedo, so you can be a formal little gentleman.

I think I got a senior dog, but senior dogs need love, too.

This little mister is gonna be sleepin' in the bed tonight.

- O-kay! - And for Sarah.

No, no, no, no. I’d rather not.

- What do you mean? Take him. - I'm actually more of a cat person.

[thundering]

[dogs barking]

[growls]

You know, your wife is gamier than I thought she would be.

It's crazy that we ate Sarah and not the guy named "Ham."

[laughs] I didn't even think of that. [all laughing]

MEL: Previously on The Civil War...

I have every soldier on orders to deny you alcohol.

[both groaning] GENERAL GRANT: Oh, hello, Daddy.

- Hey! - Ah!

What you doin' with a dirty Union greenback?

We hate everything. But most of all, Yankees.

GENERAL PHILIP SHERIDAN: The Southern Army is on its last legs.

We have General Lee and his men pinned down.

He will surrender, but he'll only surrender to General Grant

because Lee is a starfucker.

Now, General Grant was last seen heading towards the hamlet of Rock Ridge.

- Oh-- - Not that one.

Now this Rock Ridge, the one we're talking about here,

is in West Virginia,

and that's Confederate Territory,

which is why you three gentlemen, the most expendable ones we have,

have been tasked with finding the General and bringing him back here.

Search every saloon in Rock Ridge.

Dismissed!

God, he's so dismissive.

PRIVATE MASON DIXON: No, no, no, when he said "dismissed," it means we can leave.

He's not bein' rude.

Oh, okay, 'cause I felt very disrespected there for a second.

Anyway, I'm Lieutenant Henry Honeybeard.

- Mason Dixon, nice to meet you. - Mason Dixon?

Yeah, my dad's from Florida, my mom's from New York.

- Oh, and you are? - Uncomfortable with introductions.

But my shrink says I have to try.

Uh, you can do this. SOLDIER: Right away, sir.

I’m Mingoes.

That was harder than I thought.

Well, I don’t know about you guys,

but I thought it was pretty neat that he called us "expendable."

I've never been called that before.

I don't think you know what expendable means.

I think the word you're thinkin' of is "exceptional."

As in, "I went to an exceptional school in Boston."

- We get it, you went to Harvard. - Boston University, actually.

Majored in stage design, minored in the banjo.

What?! I play the bugle. I’m the bugle boy of company B.

No way! We could start a band! Mingoes, do you play anything?

No. I do a little observational comedy, but that’s it.

Can we hear some?

PRIVATE MINGOES: I only do it when I'm alone.

- Really? Why? - Thought of doing it in front of anyone

makes me physically-- Ah, shit, ill.

Okay, well... even though I am the ranking officer,

I’m not gonna force you.

You're only the ranking officer because you're white.

Oh, snap.

- That is a good observation. - Yeah.

All righty, Dixon, which way to West Virginia?

Well, if I remember correctly, West Virginia is to the left of Virginia.

Okay, I’m a righty, so this way?

But my left is pointing this way.

Turn around.

Oh.

See, now we’re the same direction.

- Shall we? - Oh, yeah.

DIXON: Okay, who ate all the cheeseballs?

LIEUTENANT HENRY HONEYBEARD: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know those were for sharing.

MEL: Meanwhile, back in Moscow.

Look, we need to start a revolution against the Revolution.

Lenin is gonna purge every card-carrying Bolshevik.

Sorry... this whole time I thought we were the Bolsheviks.

No, no, you idiot. We’re the Mensheviks. And proud of it, excuse me.

No, we’re the harmonizin' R&B group Bolsheviks II Mensheviks.

ALL: ♪ I’ll make borscht for you ♪

No, no. We are the SRs. We're the social revolutionaries.

Let's put a vote to it.

Let us first vote on what we wanna vote about.

Are women voting?

SERGEI: Women will be voting. NATALIA: What about Jews?

- We're all Jews, so-- - People under 5’5"?

- SERGEI: No, well-- - Enough!

We voted enough. It's time for action.

[all cheering, applauding] [bell ringing]

Oh, thank you, thank you! Not necessary, but thank you.

Fanny, why didn't you tell me we were gonna have all these stinky socialists

in our new Moscow apartment?

- I would've soured some extra cream. - Who’s this schlub?

Oh, no, Schlub Mudman is my dead brother,

may his memory be a bleching.

No, my name is Schmuck Mudman. Hello.

He’s nobody, he’s my husband.

Your misery looks familiar to me. Are we from the same shtetl?

No. I get this all the time, but I’m a miserable city Jew.

- Oh, okay. - Now, what are we gonna do about Lenin?!

Lenin? Vlad? Vlad Lenin? Is that who you’re talkin' about?

Yeah, Vlad Lenin.

Oh, well, I serve sandwiches to Vladimir Lenin and all of his comrades

every day at their office where they remain completely unguarded.

[all gasping]

Well, you’re all looking at me with a murderous hunger.

[gasps] You must be famished. Let me make you some something to eat.

Joshy?!

♪ sensual music plays ♪

[whistles]

It's like we're twins, right? This is my son.

- Joshy, show everyone your abs. - Come on.

Joshy, please. Look at this! Ooh! [kisses]

We could wash underwear on these abs, and we have.

Calm down. Sit down now.

Joshy, I want you to go to Mrs. Federov’s chicken coop

and get me one perfect egg,

so that I can make my famous one-egg omelette, all right?

All right.

- All right, I love you, son. - I love you.

Okay! You guys enjoy your little kibitz,

and I’m gonna go to the kitchen and make a ton of noise!

[cookware clanking] One-egg! Omelette!

I think we have our in.

[Schmuck shouting] [revolutionaries agreeing]

MEL: Sigmund Freud.

SIGMUND FREUD: The human brain is the most exquisite machine ever built,

and I'm here to help you explore it.

Hello.

I am Sigmund Freud and this is my "Mommyclass."

[chuckles]

"Masterclass." What?!

I will give you the tools you need to understand not only your own mind,

but also the mind behind your mind.

You’re simply ashamed of your tiny penis.

I just want to quit smoking.

Quit smoking? What? Why? Smoking’s cool.

You’ll also have access to never-before-seen footage

from my personal archives.

Shared without my patients' permission.

I've done a... really interesting drawing.

It’s of you and me. And we’re two eggplants.

Don’t they look a little like penises?

Whoa, someone wants to sleep with their father.

What?!

FREUD: I will also teach you some tricks of the trade

that will allow you to focus and keep your mind sharp.

Ooh, shit!

- Ever heard of cocaine? - No. What does it do?

Ah, just makes you super fucking human.

Sure.

FREUD: In just 477 classes,

ranging in lengths from 30 seconds to three days,

I will help you unlock the mysteries of the human condition

and clean the fuck out of my apartment.

What if we fuckin' start a restaurant?

- Oh, shit! Now you're talking. - Dude!

Guys, I'm gonna teach you all of this shit, okay?

So, join me for my "Masturbates."

Cla-- "Masterclass."

That was what, what we call classic "Sigmund Slip."

MEL: Now back to The Civil War.

Somewhere in Virginia, the search party continues to search,

and badly, I might add.

MINGOES: Where in the white devil are we?

Nah, I-I'm startin' to think we're lost.

What gives you that idea? Is it 'cause we’re in a damn cave?!

[strange noises] ALL: Ah!

How did we end up underground?

DIXON: What is that noise?

[indistinct chatter]

Um, what the hell is this?

- Do we just jump over it? - Yeah. You two first.

MINGOES: Is this Grant's tomb? DIXON: If it is, then we blew it.

General Grant, are ya in here? [gun cocks]

- Hands up where I can see 'em. - Ahh.

Good gravy, it’s Harriet Tubman!

Right, Harriet Tubman, the inventor of the tub, I wanna say?

How did these dumbasses enslave us?

She created the Underground Railroad,

which I thought was a network of small groups

moving stealthily around the country to escape slavery,

but, yeah, no, this is a railroad.

Yeah, it's a railroad,

and you fellas jumped the turnstile.

Pay up.

Uh, how much are we talkin'?

Well, if you're a slave it's free, but if you're free, 20 bucks.

What if my uncle happens to be a slave?

Is there, like, a friends and family thing you have?

- Twenty bucks. - Okay.

These are the only Andrew Jacksons I like.

I gotta say, this place is amazing. Did you build this yourself?

Yeah, we built most of the infrastructure in this country.

What? Surprised we made somethin' for us?

No, no, I-- No, I-I mean you could do whatever you want.

I, I think it's great, um.

Oh God, what am I, what am I feeling here, guys?

- BOTH: White guilt. - Gotcha.

Hey, c-can you guys help me process it?

BOTH: No.

Yeah, let him work that shit out on his own.

Word.

If you want a ride to Canada, the train'll be here in three minutes.

Oh, that's great. We're actually trying to get to Rock Ridge.

I can't tell you why though

- because it is a top-secret mission. - It’s to find General Grant

and Abe Lincoln’s son and get them back, so we can end the war.

Well, you seem like smart fellas, so you do know that Rock Ridge

is in the other direction from where you came from?

I don’t know about that. We were coming from the right, so.

Uh-huh.

J-Just go through this door, change platforms,

take the crosstown R to Rock Ridge.

If you hit Florida, you’re fucked.

- Get outta here. - Okay.

I’m a huge fan of your work, by the way.

I meant everything I said about how cool-- Never mind.

Ugh, 200 years of this shit.

[train passing]

We missed the train!

You just had to get a slice, didn’t you?

MEL: Meanwhile, back in Moscow.

Hi. I’m Josh, Schmuck Mudman’s son.

There’s no way you’re Schmuck Mudman’s son.

Can I buy one egg, please?

Get it yourself.

The last time I went in there, the rooster ate off my last pinky.

What happened to your other pinky?

[sighs] I ate it. Mind your business!

[clucking]

Hey, guys! It's your girl, Anastasia, hashtag last Romanov!

Um, as you all know, my family was killed in the revolution,

so I’m hiding from, yeah, everybody, except for you guys, my loyal followers.

Um, so, today I’m super excited

because I’m talking to you about my new lifestyle brand "Coop."

So, yeah! Let me know what you think.

Cluck, comment, subscribe. The whole thing.

Okay, war and peace! [laughs]

Um, I'm sorry to interrupt,

but... who are you?

Oh, I'm Princess Anastasia, the heir to the Romanov dynast--

I mean... I'm... poor shit person.

No!

You're the woman from the newspaper!

That was a blind item and I deny everything.

You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.

- Ah! - And I’ve seen, like, 30 people.

Wow... Yeah, you're crazy hot, too.

And you're tall, but you're not like a weird basketball player tall, yeah.

I think I'm fucking falling in love with you.

[chicken clucks] [screams]

No! It can never be.

I'm the most wanted person in this country.

And you're a Jew.

♪ melancholy music playing ♪

- ♪ Someday ♪ - ♪ Someday ♪

BOTH: ♪ The world won't judge us for who we are inside ♪

♪ They'll only see our surface beauty ♪

♪ And every heart will open wide ♪

♪ They'll ignore your family's heinous past ♪

♪ And see just your dimpled chin ♪

♪ And your chiseled jawline will define you ♪

♪ Not your missing foreskin ♪

BOTH: ♪ Someday, someday ♪

♪ I will make history ♪

♪ With a plot ruthless and daring ♪

♪ They'll love me as a hottie ♪

♪ Someday I'll wow the world ♪

♪ With my lox and pickled herring ♪

♪ They’ll see only my perfect body ♪

♪ I'll win the hearts of every ♪

♪ Artist and free thinker ♪

♪ I'll purge the land of evil ♪

♪ I'll finally find the nerve to eat another finger ♪

ALL: ♪ Someday, someday, someday, someday ♪

♪ Maybe tomorrooow ♪

You know what? Tomorrow's no good.

- What about the day after? - I got a doctor's appointment!

- I've already moved it twice! - Uh, you know,

- I got mani-pedi and delousing. - Tuesday's good for me.

- Yeah, see, I can't do Tuesday. - No. Maybe next week

or the following week.

I’ll start a Kugel Invite, okay?

♪

[fanfare]