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Hands up where I can see 'em!
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00:00:02,586 --> 00:00:04,421
♪
3
00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:06,006
Good gravy, it's Harriet Tubman!
4
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,007
The inventor of the... tub?
5
00:00:08,007 --> 00:00:10,552
How did these dumb asses enslave us?
6
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♪
7
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Roll it!
8
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- I'm Kublai Khan.
- Amelia Earhart.
9
00:00:16,225 --> 00:00:17,309
The Romanovs!
10
00:00:17,309 --> 00:00:18,810
SIGMUND FREUD:
I am Sigmund Freud.
11
00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:20,729
Join me for my Masturbate.
12
00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:22,731
Masterclass. What?
13
00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:26,151
- Who are you?
- Some call me Jesus Christ, son of God.
14
00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:27,694
Some call him broke and corny.
15
00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:29,905
♪
16
00:00:29,905 --> 00:00:30,739
Oh, hello!
17
00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:34,493
Okay, that's actually crazy.
18
00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:38,664
Mwah!
[cheering]
19
00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:43,502
Noah, you were supposed to get
two of every animal.
20
00:00:43,502 --> 00:00:45,212
I got two Chihuahuas.
Two pugs.
21
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:47,381
I got three pugs. Don't tell God.
22
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:50,300
♪
23
00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:57,558
MEL BROOKS:
Hello. I'm American treasure Mel Brooks.
24
00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,935
To some of you, I'm a hero.
25
00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:02,688
To others, merely a legend.
26
00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:05,232
Over 40 years ago, I wrote and directed
27
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:07,484
History of the World, Part I,
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00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:09,570
a sketch comedy movie that showed
29
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,613
the real side of history.
30
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:14,825
I also starred in it.
Maybe a mistake.
31
00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:17,870
So when I was approached
by somebody named Hulu
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to make a sequel, I had two conditions.
33
00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:22,833
One, they had to make me look
34
00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:26,128
exactly how I did in 1981.
35
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And here I am.
Exactly what I looked like.
36
00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:31,675
Who knew there were muscles here?
37
00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:35,971
Anyway, my other stipulation
was all original material.
38
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Nothing from Part I, no repeats.
39
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So, without further ado,
40
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I present to you...
41
00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:45,814
History of the World, Part II!
42
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Hey, guys! Look at me! I'm swole.
43
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♪ triumphant brass music ♪
44
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,951
History of the World, Part II!
45
00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:05,876
♪ theme ends ♪
46
00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:07,419
The Civil War.
47
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♪
48
00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:11,006
[distant cannon fire]
49
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The Civil War was in its final days.
50
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,762
We're talking about the one in the 1860s,
51
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not the one coming up in 2024.
52
00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:20,724
[cannon blast]
53
00:02:20,724 --> 00:02:25,395
The South was on its last legs
as the Union Army closed in,
54
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:30,859
and at the head of that army
was the lushly bearded Ulysses S. Grant.
55
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,196
Who was also a bit of a lush.
56
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- General Grant.
- [chuckling] Hi, Pam, how are ya?
57
00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:38,116
Big win out there.
58
00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:40,160
What is going through your mind right now?
[sighs]
59
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,746
Well, we lost 4,000 men out there.
They're dead.
60
00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:45,582
But we did kill 6,000 of their guys,
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00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,251
but a lot of their guys
were related to our guys,
62
00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:48,877
so it's a lot of mixed
emotions right now, Pam.
63
00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:50,879
They say the war is almost over.
64
00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:53,841
If the North wins,
will you go to Disneyland?
65
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:56,468
Well, that depends,
do they have a bar? [laughs] JK.
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I'll hang you both
if you dump that on me.
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00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,223
Great to see you, Pam. Take care.
68
00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:03,725
SOLDIER 1: Please don't take my arm, sir.
I'm a drummer.
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00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,269
Can I get a dull saw?
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SOLDIER 2:
Tell me, doc, will it hurt?
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DOCTOR: When we amputate your head? Yeah.
[slow fiddle playing]
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SOLDIER 3:
Play Devil Went Down to Georgia!
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SOLDIER 4: We don't have the rights!
SOLDIER 3: Just do a sound alike!
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♪ lively fiddling ♪
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Hold on, everyone. Daddy's comin'.
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Daddy's home. Come to Papa.
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00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:24,371
- SOLDIER 5: Sir!
- [spits] What is it?!
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President Lincoln
is in your quarters, sir!
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I know! Dismissed.
[distant explosion]
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00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:31,587
[sighs]
81
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Fuck!
82
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♪ gentle music ♪
83
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[fire crackling]
84
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[static]
85
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:45,267
- Mr. President.
- Oh, there he is!
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00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:47,477
H-h-hey-- Oh!
[clang]
87
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Stephen Douglas' dick hole!
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- [groans]
- Are you okay, sir?
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Yes, I'm fine.
90
00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:55,068
- Have a seat, Ulysses, have a seat.
- Alright.
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00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:57,070
[sighs] Oh.
[horse whinnies outside]
92
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,530
Mr. President, you look exhausted.
93
00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:00,866
This war has taken a toll on you, sir.
94
00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:03,368
It's not the war.
It's my height.
95
00:04:03,368 --> 00:04:04,661
I mean, look at me!
96
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,455
They don't make things
for a big boy like me!
97
00:04:06,455 --> 00:04:07,748
I mean-- [grunts]
98
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,416
Look at these pants, Ulysses.
99
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Look at that!
They're basically capris.
100
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I'm a big boy!
I need big boy pants!
101
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,590
I will say they look kind of fun,
102
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,717
somethin' you could wear
at a summer party, maybe.
103
00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:19,718
Look, anyways.
104
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,846
I have heard some grumblings
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and that your imbibing
has gotten a bit out of control.
106
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- My imbibing? Who told you that?
- Mm-hmm.
107
00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:30,604
Was it Sheridan?
Because he's addicted to laudanum.
108
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,397
Look, I don't drink a lot, you know?
109
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Like, maybe, like, a little bit,
like, on a holiday or some--
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00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:35,901
[flask clanking]
111
00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:39,154
[sighs]
112
00:04:39,863 --> 00:04:43,617
I believe today is what
the Hebrews call Pesach, sir.
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No more alcohol until the war is over!
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Do you understand me, Ulysses?
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[roars]
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00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:52,668
[spits, sighs]
117
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Yeah, sure, fine. I don't need a drink.
[clatters]
118
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- [sighs]
- Good.
119
00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:58,632
Alright, there is one more thing
that I need to talk to you about.
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00:04:58,632 --> 00:04:59,967
It's about my son, Robert Todd.
121
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Your son.
122
00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:04,471
He has been begging me to enlist,
and now that the war
123
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:07,891
is nearly over, I feel like
this is the perfect time to just...
124
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,810
- get him in there.
- Once all the regular fighters have...
125
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,353
- Yes, yes, abs--
- ...given their lives
126
00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:14,022
and bled and lost their legs, now
you wanna sneak in your little Harvard boy
127
00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:15,148
for a couple days on the course.
128
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,441
Yes! No, you understand!
129
00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:18,735
- Gotcha, gotcha, okay.
- Absolutely. He's a good boy.
130
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,153
You know, I want you to look after him.
131
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,531
Mr. President, I want you to know,
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I won't let the boy out of my sight.
133
00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:25,617
Oh, good, good, good. Robert Todd!
[glass shattering]
134
00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:27,911
- Oh, Jesus! Good lord!
- Goddammit!
135
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,705
I have legs for arms!
136
00:05:30,289 --> 00:05:31,582
That was a gift from my wife.
[clang]
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Ow! Goddammit!
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RT!
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♪
140
00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:37,421
General Grant, sir!
141
00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:38,547
It is an honor, sir!
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00:05:38,547 --> 00:05:41,550
I have been a huge fan my entire life!
143
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:44,678
- And how long is that, young man?
- One score and two years.
144
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,889
That means 22 in our secret language.
145
00:05:46,889 --> 00:05:48,599
- Come on over here! Come over here.
- Right.
146
00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:51,226
There's my big, strong boy. Watch this.
147
00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:52,644
I trained him well. Look at this.
148
00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,897
What do I have?
You've trained for this.
149
00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:56,023
- What do I have?
- My nose.
150
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:58,400
Yes! Can you get it?
Can you reattach it?
151
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,277
[horse whinnying]
152
00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:02,654
First try. Good job, son.
153
00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:03,739
Seems like a great kid.
154
00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,741
He's in good hands, Mr. President.
155
00:06:05,741 --> 00:06:07,743
Alright. [sighs]
156
00:06:07,743 --> 00:06:10,204
♪ somber music ♪
157
00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:12,706
The Union state is in your hands, Ulysses.
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00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:15,000
End this war.
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00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,502
Yes, Mr. President.
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00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:18,045
[pats shoulder]
[horse whinnying]
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And I have every soldier
in the entire state of Virginia
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00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:26,345
on orders to deny you alcohol.
Is that understood?
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[both growl]
164
00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:30,140
- Yes, sir.
- Good.
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00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:33,310
[smack]
Goddammit!
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That is gonna be the worst thing
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00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:37,523
that's gonna happen to my head all year.
168
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,609
- Thanks for comin' by, sir.
- Good to see you.
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00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:42,402
♪
170
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,862
General Grant, sir.
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00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:46,406
Would you do me the honor of regaling me
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00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,575
with your most horrifying war stories?
173
00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:52,246
I mean, I really wanna know what it's like
to see the-the light
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00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:54,373
drain out of a man's eye by your own hand.
175
00:06:54,373 --> 00:06:55,582
[click]
General, no!
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Ah! Damn it!
177
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,253
Who drank all my gun whiskey?!
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00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:01,797
[angry growl] Okay.
179
00:07:01,797 --> 00:07:03,465
Think, Ulysses, think.
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00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:04,842
♪
181
00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:06,468
I have decided
182
00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:08,929
that you are ready to join me
on a top-secret mission,
183
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,472
but I'm warning you right now.
184
00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:12,432
It's gonna be very, very whiskey.
185
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,393
Risky. Are you in?
186
00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,478
I will follow you
to the gates of Hell, sir.
187
00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:18,730
It's worse than that, son.
188
00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:19,982
We're goin' to West Virginia.
189
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,568
No... No...
190
00:07:22,568 --> 00:07:24,152
♪ dramatic sting ♪
191
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:25,445
No!
192
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,947
[gong clanging]
193
00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:33,203
MEL:
The Kama Sutra.
194
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:35,330
♪ sitar music ♪
195
00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:37,875
Thank you for having me to,
uh, pitch my new book idea.
196
00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:39,710
- Well, thank you for coming.
We're big fans.
- Ah.
197
00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:41,420
I'm a simple guy.
[soft laugh]
198
00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:43,380
I like eating soup. I like having sex.
199
00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:45,966
If I'm not going "slurp, slurp, slurp,"
200
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:46,967
I'm eating soup.
201
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,844
- [both laugh]
- I like that.
202
00:07:48,844 --> 00:07:51,471
And so, this really brings
my two passions together.
203
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:55,225
I have created hundreds
of tasty soup recipes
204
00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:59,396
and paired them with the perfect
corresponding sexual position.
205
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:03,108
I call it
Kama Souptra, From Soup to Nuts!
206
00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:05,444
BOTH:
From soup to nuts!
207
00:08:05,444 --> 00:08:07,112
Oh, okay. Well, that's very clever.
208
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:09,364
Alright, here we go. First one.
209
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,202
Lamb stew, you know,
paired with the simple missionary.
210
00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:15,454
It's warm. It's comforting.
Everyone likes it.
211
00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:18,207
Now we're getting a little more fun.
212
00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:21,710
Leek soup. For obvious reasons,
you're gonna need a tarp for this one.
213
00:08:23,253 --> 00:08:24,630
Ooh! Love this one.
214
00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:27,382
Summer gazpacho. That's when you
and your lover share a chilled soup
215
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:28,759
while fucking on a cold tile counter.
216
00:08:28,759 --> 00:08:30,844
Wait, that looks so much like your wife.
217
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:33,597
That is my wife!
And that's my neighbor Prakash.
218
00:08:33,597 --> 00:08:34,640
- Oh.
- Moving on.
219
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:37,851
[gasps] Let me guess.
That's chowder.
220
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,020
That's exactly right.
And before you ask,
221
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:43,357
this position pairs just as well with
New England or Manhattan chowder.
222
00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:44,900
♪ sitar continues ♪
223
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:46,652
Spinach artichoke. It's vegan,
224
00:08:46,652 --> 00:08:48,403
pairs well
with a nice light choking.
225
00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:50,989
See, I've always been
a little reluctant to go there.
226
00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:53,158
Oh yeah, people are afraid to go vegan,
but it's very satisfying.
227
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:58,455
Ooh! Uh, this is a slow-cook recipe
for a tantric mushroom and barley soup.
228
00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:01,500
For when you wanna
take 12 hours to climax.
229
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:04,336
- Oh. What does that taste like?
- Who does that?
230
00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:06,588
It tastes like your
wife fucking the neighbor.
231
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,966
- Oh, Prakash.
- Prakash.
232
00:09:08,966 --> 00:09:10,884
VATSYAYANA:
Yeah, Prakash sucks. Anyways,
233
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,762
since we don't want this
to be a tantric meeting,
234
00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:15,138
should I just fly through a bunch of 'em?
235
00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:16,390
[laughs]
Keep it moving?
236
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:17,391
Here we go.
237
00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:20,853
Egg drop soup. No muss, no fuss,
for when you wanna make a baby.
238
00:09:20,853 --> 00:09:23,063
This is a simple recipe for tortellini,
239
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,898
the butthole of pastas. It's fun,
240
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:27,943
but you're gonna need some oil
and good communication.
241
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,696
Italian wedding.
That's when fuck your aunt
242
00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:33,073
while she yells at your cousin
for not becoming a cop.
243
00:09:33,824 --> 00:09:34,825
Butternut squash!
244
00:09:34,825 --> 00:09:36,910
That's when she butters your nuts
till you squash.
245
00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:40,163
I have many more.
Should I keep going or...
246
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,708
I don't think that's gonna be necessary.
247
00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:44,376
♪ somber music ♪
248
00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,670
Because we love it!
[publishers laughing]
249
00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:48,338
- You do?
- We just have one little note.
250
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:49,673
- Yes.
- Okay,
251
00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:52,134
we don't want the soup.
We just want the sex positions.
252
00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:54,761
Okay, that's actually crazy
253
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,513
because the soup is what's
gonna make this book
254
00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:57,723
a best seller for a thousand years.
255
00:09:57,723 --> 00:09:58,640
BOTH:
Mm...
256
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,601
You know what?
I am not a pornographer.
257
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:02,728
I do not make art to get people off.
258
00:10:02,728 --> 00:10:05,105
I make art to get people off
and fill their bellies
259
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,983
with a nice bowl of soup,
stew, chowder, or bisque.
260
00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:10,319
If you don't get that,
maybe this is not the place for me.
261
00:10:10,319 --> 00:10:11,987
PUBLISHER:
Oh, oh...
262
00:10:11,987 --> 00:10:14,656
- So we're just gonna steal the idea, right?
- Absolutely.
263
00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:16,575
♪ sitar music concludes ♪
264
00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:22,372
MEL:
The Russian Revolution.
265
00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:24,249
♪ Russian music, singing ♪
266
00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:26,251
Russia, 1918.
267
00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:28,921
The Romanov family clings to power
268
00:10:28,921 --> 00:10:31,465
as Vlad Lenin and the Bolsheviks
269
00:10:31,465 --> 00:10:33,383
lead the communist revolution.
270
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:35,260
Meanwhile, in the countryside,
271
00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:38,263
my people did what they
had done for centuries.
272
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,224
Be poor Jews.
273
00:10:40,224 --> 00:10:43,519
- Real estate! Real estate!
- Get your dream hut...
274
00:10:43,519 --> 00:10:46,480
BOTH:
From Property Brothers Karamazov!
275
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,732
Bot seeds! Bot seeds!
276
00:10:48,732 --> 00:10:51,985
You can't have a Russian bot farm
without bot seeds!
277
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,570
Serf-boards!
278
00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:55,739
Put your serf on a board!
279
00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:59,117
Mud pies! Get your mud pies!
280
00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:02,412
Get your mud pies from me, Schmuck Mudman!
281
00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:04,623
Made with the abject suffering
282
00:11:04,623 --> 00:11:07,376
and eczema of the Jewish diaspora.
283
00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:10,963
All you need to do
is add war-der. [laughs]
284
00:11:10,963 --> 00:11:12,506
[goats bleat, chickens cluck]
285
00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:14,424
Joshy, my sweet son, come, come help me
286
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:17,261
with the family business!
[annoyed groan]
287
00:11:17,261 --> 00:11:20,347
I don't care about
the family business, Dad!
288
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,558
All I care about is falling in love,
289
00:11:22,558 --> 00:11:24,935
and I'll never meet the girl of my dreams
290
00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:27,354
if I'm selling... mud pies.
291
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,815
That's not true.
I met your mother selling mud pies!
292
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:31,942
Her father came in, bought one,
293
00:11:31,942 --> 00:11:35,445
got absolutely horrible food poisoning,
and, as punishment,
294
00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:37,906
he made me marry
his most difficult daur-der.
295
00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:39,575
I don't want an arranged marriage.
296
00:11:39,575 --> 00:11:40,701
I can arrange that.
297
00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:43,662
Joshy, don't you see
that when you submit
298
00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:47,040
to a higher force,
good things can happen?
299
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,959
It's all about submission.
300
00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:51,712
♪ Fiddler on the Roof -style music ♪
301
00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:55,382
♪ Submission, submission! ♪
302
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,050
♪ When you yield to a superior force ♪
303
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,635
Hey, shut up! Sha!
304
00:11:58,635 --> 00:12:00,888
Sha! Stop the song. We need to talk.
[song ends]
305
00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:02,472
Go inside now.
306
00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:05,225
And so, the song has come
to its natural conclusion.
307
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:08,145
Right behind you, my sour pickle.
[chickens clucking]
308
00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:10,439
Bert, watch my mud pies.
309
00:12:10,439 --> 00:12:11,940
Sure.
SCHMUCK: Thank you.
310
00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:13,734
♪
311
00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:15,027
- Look!
- Oh no!
312
00:12:15,027 --> 00:12:17,446
- Mets continue slump?
- No!
313
00:12:17,446 --> 00:12:20,949
The idiot Tsar and his parasitic family
have been executed.
314
00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:23,952
♪ intense Russian music ♪
315
00:12:25,537 --> 00:12:26,830
[cranking]
316
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:29,166
Ugh. This is, like, really
when I miss my servants.
317
00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:30,167
Okay.
318
00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:33,170
Hey, you guys! It's me, your girl,
Princess Anastasia.
319
00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:35,756
For today's tutorial, I feel like
I've been seeing a lot of comments
320
00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:38,509
that you guys are like pretty downtrodden
and like poor or whatever.
321
00:12:38,509 --> 00:12:40,135
So, I figured I would show you
[coughing]
322
00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:41,720
how to de-contour your cheeks
323
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,805
so that your face can
look like it has like food
324
00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,516
[coughing continues]
or like, I don't know, shelter.
325
00:12:45,516 --> 00:12:48,185
- MAN: Anastasia, your lunch is here!
- You guys!
326
00:12:48,185 --> 00:12:50,062
You're being so loud right now!
[coughing]
327
00:12:50,062 --> 00:12:51,980
I'm recording!
328
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,315
Ah, kids!
329
00:12:53,315 --> 00:12:54,858
Why the long faces?
330
00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:57,861
We are not inbred like the Hapsburgs.
331
00:12:57,861 --> 00:12:59,571
We are the Romanovs!
332
00:12:59,571 --> 00:13:02,241
We only sleep with beautiful relatives!
333
00:13:02,241 --> 00:13:04,368
Ew, Dad, boundaries.
334
00:13:04,368 --> 00:13:07,162
[sighs] How long
is this revolution gonna last?
335
00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:09,122
I wanna go back to the Winter Palace.
336
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:12,125
This merchant's house is so last season.
337
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:15,629
It'll just be a matter of time
before we are reinstated
338
00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:17,923
as the rightful rulers of Russia!
339
00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:20,592
The people love us,
and what's not to love?
340
00:13:20,592 --> 00:13:23,011
With our leaky blood and weak bones?
341
00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:25,180
[coughing]
342
00:13:25,180 --> 00:13:27,933
Oh lord, the Prince is getting sicker.
343
00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:29,351
What else are we gonna do?
344
00:13:29,351 --> 00:13:33,105
We wrapped his scrotum in garlic bulbs,
345
00:13:33,105 --> 00:13:35,524
like our family doctor prescribed.
346
00:13:35,524 --> 00:13:38,277
Speaking of, where the devil is he?
347
00:13:38,277 --> 00:13:41,154
MAN'S VOICE [echoing]:
Did someone say "the Devil"?
348
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,323
[farting]
349
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:44,908
Who farted?
350
00:13:44,908 --> 00:13:47,035
- [aroused]: Oh!
- [aroused]: Yes...
351
00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:49,413
My dear Rasputin.
352
00:13:49,413 --> 00:13:53,709
The only mystic in Russia that I trust
with my medical and political advice.
353
00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:55,377
NICHOLAS:
Ah, Rasputin!
354
00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:57,212
I heard some noble stabbed you!
355
00:13:57,212 --> 00:13:58,422
A mere tickle.
356
00:13:58,422 --> 00:13:59,506
Rasputin.
357
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:02,301
Our son Alexi's health declines,
358
00:14:02,301 --> 00:14:05,053
and we're in desperate need
of your...
359
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,513
healing powers.
360
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,806
Huh.
361
00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:10,058
Okay, up.
362
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,603
[speaking Russian]
363
00:14:12,603 --> 00:14:13,562
Follow my hand.
364
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:17,482
[Rasputin babbling]
365
00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:20,152
[Alexi shuddering]
366
00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:23,363
Okay. So, my diagnosis
367
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,407
is that your son's body
368
00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:27,951
is being haunted by Moldovan demons.
369
00:14:27,951 --> 00:14:29,661
- [Alexandra gasping]
- Fucking Moldovan.
370
00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:31,830
Anything else?
371
00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:33,165
That about covers it.
372
00:14:33,165 --> 00:14:34,708
I'm off!
373
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:37,753
Long live the Romanovs!
[fart]
374
00:14:37,753 --> 00:14:40,672
Ew! Ras-P-U-tin!
375
00:14:40,672 --> 00:14:42,799
Who'da known he'd be my favorite Putin.
376
00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:44,426
[loud knocking]
Ah!
377
00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:46,470
The White Army.
378
00:14:46,470 --> 00:14:48,222
It's about time.
379
00:14:48,222 --> 00:14:50,390
You've come to escort us
to the Winter Palace?
380
00:14:51,308 --> 00:14:53,101
[gasps]
Eeeee!
381
00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,729
Just, like, really load it up.
382
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:58,440
[gunshots blasting]
Go all along the natural--
383
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:02,319
Guys! Can you please stop
shooting out there? [scoffs]
384
00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:05,989
We're shooting in here. [scoffs]
[guns shooting]
385
00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,616
Oh, my God, you guys!
[projector whirring]
386
00:15:07,616 --> 00:15:09,785
You know what, one second.
[opens door]
387
00:15:09,785 --> 00:15:11,245
[screams] Oh, my God.
388
00:15:11,245 --> 00:15:14,248
Okay, you guys,
I'm like literally dead right now
389
00:15:14,248 --> 00:15:16,667
because my whole family
is literally dead right now.
390
00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:18,585
I feel like I have to go into hiding.
391
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,255
So, um... Watch this space
and follow along with my journey.
392
00:15:21,255 --> 00:15:22,256
Hashtag Last Romanov.
393
00:15:22,256 --> 00:15:24,716
But most importantly, before I go,
please do not forget
394
00:15:24,716 --> 00:15:27,886
to use my code "Anastasia" for 10% off
your next Putzmates order,
395
00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:29,847
you guys, okay?
It's really important. Okay, I love you.
396
00:15:29,847 --> 00:15:31,557
War and Peace, bye!
397
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:38,021
MEL:
The Discovery of Fire.
398
00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:41,024
♪ gentle music ♪
399
00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:43,735
[birds chirping]
400
00:15:44,403 --> 00:15:45,279
[grunts]
401
00:15:46,154 --> 00:15:47,906
[cavewomen grunting]
402
00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:49,741
[laughing grunts]
403
00:15:49,741 --> 00:15:52,494
[excited grunting]
404
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:58,333
[disappointed,
explanatory grunting]
405
00:15:58,333 --> 00:15:59,459
[puffing]
406
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:03,213
[scoffs, explanatory grunting]
407
00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:05,549
[realizing grunts]
408
00:16:05,549 --> 00:16:08,302
♪
409
00:16:08,302 --> 00:16:09,761
[frustrated grunting]
410
00:16:10,220 --> 00:16:12,472
[screaming]
411
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,600
[disappointed grunting]
412
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,144
[realizing, explanatory grunting]
413
00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,353
[interrupting grunting]
414
00:16:18,353 --> 00:16:19,813
[overlapping grunts]
415
00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:22,816
[staccato grunts]
416
00:16:24,443 --> 00:16:26,904
[disapproving grunts]
[frustrated grunts]
417
00:16:26,904 --> 00:16:28,280
[imitating grunts] Stephanie!
418
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:31,241
[mocking grunting]
419
00:16:32,743 --> 00:16:34,119
[grunting]
420
00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:37,122
♪ epic music ♪
421
00:16:37,122 --> 00:16:38,916
[annoyed grunting]
422
00:16:38,916 --> 00:16:40,292
[grunting gets louder]
423
00:16:40,292 --> 00:16:43,420
[yelling]
424
00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:45,756
[screaming]
425
00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:49,384
[sheepish grunt]
[relieved grunt]
426
00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:52,429
[laughter]
427
00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:55,307
[cavewomen grunting]
428
00:16:55,307 --> 00:16:56,642
[confused grunts]
429
00:16:56,642 --> 00:17:00,270
♪ psychedelic music ♪
430
00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:02,731
CAVEWOMAN 1: Wait, now that
I'm looking at that painting,
431
00:17:02,731 --> 00:17:04,399
I, like, really get it.
432
00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:06,276
Wait, can I just say something?
433
00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:08,612
It is so funny they call us cave people.
434
00:17:08,612 --> 00:17:11,031
I've never been in a cave.
CAVEWOMEN: Oh, me neither! Yeah, same!
435
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:13,116
I don't even know
where there is one! [laughs]
436
00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:16,245
Hey, do you guys ever feel like...
like your life is a movie?
437
00:17:16,245 --> 00:17:18,121
More like a TV show.
438
00:17:18,121 --> 00:17:19,957
Oh, yeah.
439
00:17:19,957 --> 00:17:21,625
Look, there's a whole crew right there.
440
00:17:21,625 --> 00:17:23,168
You can see it in the reflection
of my glasses.
441
00:17:23,168 --> 00:17:25,045
[cavewomen giggling]
442
00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:28,257
♪ harpsichord music ♪
443
00:17:28,257 --> 00:17:30,759
MEL:
William Shakespeare.
444
00:17:32,678 --> 00:17:35,222
MAN: It's just dirty, murky trough water
with a little bit of lemon.
445
00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:37,766
And then I don't eat till...
my first meal is lunch.
446
00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:38,767
[knocking]
447
00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:40,978
Hey, uh, is this the writer's room
for Shakespeare?
448
00:17:40,978 --> 00:17:42,437
Uh, yeah. You the new guy?
449
00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:44,064
Yes, I am.
450
00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:46,358
I'm a man, as evidenced by my low voice.
451
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:50,195
Sorry I'm late.
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
452
00:17:50,195 --> 00:17:51,238
Nanny called in sick.
453
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,906
She's got the plague.
454
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:56,785
So, read the latest draft of Hamlet.
455
00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:59,413
Some good stuff, some good stuff.
456
00:17:59,413 --> 00:18:01,707
Does Shakespeare like it?
457
00:18:01,707 --> 00:18:03,125
Yeah...
458
00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:05,377
Is Shakespeare in love?
459
00:18:05,377 --> 00:18:06,670
No. No, not yet.
460
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:07,921
Keep pushing.
461
00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:11,800
Yes-- Oh, hello.
Who are you? Have we met?
462
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,970
Oh, um, I'm a writer from
the Oxford Lampoon.
463
00:18:14,970 --> 00:18:16,013
I'm a man.
464
00:18:17,639 --> 00:18:18,682
My penis itches.
465
00:18:18,682 --> 00:18:20,767
Mm. I was skeptical until he said that.
466
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,854
Okay, so here's what I'd like to do.
467
00:18:23,854 --> 00:18:26,231
I would like to gray sky for a bit.
468
00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:28,609
Just throw some ideas around.
469
00:18:28,609 --> 00:18:31,570
See what sticks. No judgments.
470
00:18:31,570 --> 00:18:33,572
Francis Bacon, take us on our journey.
471
00:18:33,572 --> 00:18:35,908
Oh. Okay. Uh, it's pretty crazy,
472
00:18:35,908 --> 00:18:37,993
but, um, what if we do a play,
473
00:18:37,993 --> 00:18:41,580
okay, but it's got music and singing?
474
00:18:41,580 --> 00:18:44,875
So what you're suggesting,
if I'm hearing it right,
475
00:18:44,875 --> 00:18:46,960
is that people stop,
476
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,421
in the middle of a show, and start singing
477
00:18:49,421 --> 00:18:50,881
something to the equivalent of...
478
00:18:51,423 --> 00:18:53,675
♪ I'm so sad ♪
479
00:18:53,675 --> 00:18:57,763
♪ Because my uncle killed my dad ♪
480
00:18:57,763 --> 00:18:59,014
♪ Hamlet! ♪
481
00:18:59,014 --> 00:19:00,224
That's fucking awful.
482
00:19:00,224 --> 00:19:01,850
Okay, anyone else have a pitch?
483
00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:04,603
Maybe a good idea, perchance?
484
00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:07,397
What about an interracial love story?
485
00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:09,316
An English lady and a Black guy,
486
00:19:09,316 --> 00:19:11,193
but it's not about race,
487
00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:14,488
and we called it, uh,
I don't know, Othello.
488
00:19:14,488 --> 00:19:16,281
Oh, let me start off by saying this.
489
00:19:16,281 --> 00:19:18,158
I am an ally,
490
00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:20,035
but I don't think it's my story to tell.
491
00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:23,372
So, if you wanna develop it,
I would absolutely support that,
492
00:19:23,372 --> 00:19:24,748
but just remember,
493
00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:27,709
it was conceived in this room,
494
00:19:27,709 --> 00:19:30,504
was it not? Yes, t'was.
495
00:19:30,504 --> 00:19:32,548
So, technically, I own it.
It's a Shakespeare!
496
00:19:32,548 --> 00:19:33,966
This motherfucker.
497
00:19:33,966 --> 00:19:35,884
- Anything else?
- Um,
498
00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:38,470
I have a love story.
It's about two white people.
499
00:19:38,470 --> 00:19:39,763
See? Now, that's relatable.
500
00:19:39,763 --> 00:19:41,306
WOMAN DRESSED AS BOY:
So, they're star-crossed lovers,
501
00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:43,767
and they're in a small town, like Verona.
502
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:46,103
Ooh, Italy is hot right now.
503
00:19:46,103 --> 00:19:49,106
And their houses hate each other,
but they fall in love anyway.
504
00:19:49,106 --> 00:19:51,316
And then they die tragically in the end.
505
00:19:52,526 --> 00:19:54,695
Okay, that's not quite
working for me yet,
506
00:19:54,695 --> 00:19:58,949
but let me just spitball
on it for a second.
507
00:19:58,949 --> 00:20:00,117
Okay...
508
00:20:00,117 --> 00:20:03,954
What if they're ill-fated paramours
509
00:20:04,872 --> 00:20:05,998
from two different
510
00:20:05,998 --> 00:20:08,333
families...
511
00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:11,295
and they come from, I want to say...
512
00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:14,047
Verona, maybe?
513
00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:15,299
Right?
514
00:20:15,299 --> 00:20:19,136
And they die in a sad way.
515
00:20:19,136 --> 00:20:20,262
And we shall call it
516
00:20:20,804 --> 00:20:23,307
Friends with Benefits.
517
00:20:23,307 --> 00:20:25,017
I love that.
SHAKESPEARE: Thank you.
518
00:20:25,017 --> 00:20:26,643
Dynamite idea, boss.
SHAKESPEARE: Thank you.
519
00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:29,855
- But, isn't that what I just pitched?
- No. You pitched me a lump of coal,
520
00:20:29,855 --> 00:20:31,732
and I, out of the kindness of my heart,
521
00:20:31,732 --> 00:20:33,775
took it and made it into a diamond.
522
00:20:34,193 --> 00:20:36,486
Okay, what you actually did was,
523
00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:39,323
I said an idea, then you repeated it
as if it was your own idea--
524
00:20:39,323 --> 00:20:43,035
[banging]
525
00:20:44,203 --> 00:20:45,579
♪ harpsichord music ♪
526
00:20:45,579 --> 00:20:48,457
You don't understand!
527
00:20:48,457 --> 00:20:50,125
The pressure I'm under!
528
00:20:50,125 --> 00:20:52,753
I have to produce!
529
00:20:52,753 --> 00:20:56,882
I have to make sure the costumes
are hot! And heavy!
530
00:20:56,882 --> 00:20:59,968
I have to cast men
531
00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:03,180
that look like pretty little women!
532
00:21:03,180 --> 00:21:05,182
Ooh, little women.
That could be something.
533
00:21:05,182 --> 00:21:08,143
That could be something awful!
534
00:21:12,648 --> 00:21:14,691
You know what? I'm sorry.
535
00:21:14,691 --> 00:21:16,026
I'm just... [sighs]
536
00:21:16,026 --> 00:21:18,028
I'm rife with hunger.
537
00:21:18,028 --> 00:21:19,613
What are we doing for lunch?
538
00:21:19,613 --> 00:21:21,281
Uh... we ordered Chipotle.
539
00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:23,116
Goddammit.
540
00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:23,617
[grunts]
541
00:21:24,785 --> 00:21:26,411
Alas, poor Yorick!
542
00:21:26,411 --> 00:21:28,247
It's fine. I-I barely knew him anyway.
543
00:21:28,247 --> 00:21:30,791
♪ harpsichord fading out ♪
544
00:21:31,708 --> 00:21:33,126
♪ Russian music ♪
545
00:21:33,126 --> 00:21:34,628
MEL:
Rasputin.
546
00:21:36,547 --> 00:21:38,632
The mystical Russian priest
547
00:21:38,632 --> 00:21:42,678
who had a powerful mental hold
on the Romanov family.
548
00:21:42,678 --> 00:21:45,097
This didn't sit well
with some of the nobles,
549
00:21:45,097 --> 00:21:47,808
so they decided to kill him.
550
00:21:47,808 --> 00:21:50,477
Which, by the way, wasn't so easy.
551
00:21:50,477 --> 00:21:52,980
♪ Jackass theme ♪
552
00:21:52,980 --> 00:21:56,233
I'm Rasputin, and this is
getting stabbed in the back
553
00:21:56,233 --> 00:21:58,151
and thrown in the River Neva.
554
00:21:58,151 --> 00:21:59,653
♪ Jackass theme ♪
555
00:21:59,653 --> 00:22:03,198
[stabbing, slicing]
Oh! Ow! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
556
00:22:03,198 --> 00:22:05,450
[laughing]
557
00:22:05,450 --> 00:22:06,702
NOBLE:
Throw him in!
558
00:22:08,662 --> 00:22:10,581
[laughter]
559
00:22:10,581 --> 00:22:13,083
♪ Jackass theme fades out ♪
560
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:20,382
MEL:
The Russian Revolution.
561
00:22:20,382 --> 00:22:22,634
♪ Russian music ♪
562
00:22:22,634 --> 00:22:24,178
Now, back in the shtetl...
563
00:22:24,178 --> 00:22:27,097
SCHMUCK'S WIFE: Isn't it great?
Those Romanov pigs are dead!
564
00:22:27,097 --> 00:22:29,057
The proletariat rules Russia.
565
00:22:29,057 --> 00:22:32,561
We must go to Moscow
and join the revolution!
566
00:22:32,561 --> 00:22:34,938
My beautiful, absolutely faithful wife,
567
00:22:34,938 --> 00:22:37,149
have you lost your mind?
568
00:22:37,149 --> 00:22:39,735
How could we leave all of this behind?
569
00:22:39,735 --> 00:22:42,446
Nice. Dad just rhymed.
Here comes another song.
570
00:22:42,446 --> 00:22:45,782
♪ We'll pack our bag
and move off to the city ♪
571
00:22:45,782 --> 00:22:48,952
♪ Where a dream life
in the ghetto waits for you ♪
572
00:22:48,952 --> 00:22:50,996
♪ Let the goyim have this
rural life so shitty ♪
573
00:22:50,996 --> 00:22:52,331
What?
574
00:22:52,331 --> 00:22:54,124
♪ This shtetl stinks, it's no place ♪
575
00:22:54,124 --> 00:22:55,417
♪ For a Jew ♪
576
00:22:55,417 --> 00:22:56,960
♪ Fiddler on the Roof -style music ♪
577
00:22:56,960 --> 00:23:00,547
♪ I rather like the easy
lifestyle of the shtetl ♪
578
00:23:00,547 --> 00:23:03,842
♪ Where every murderous
Cossack knows your name ♪
579
00:23:03,842 --> 00:23:05,344
♪ Why seek out that thing fear? ♪
580
00:23:05,344 --> 00:23:07,471
♪ We've got plenty of it here ♪
581
00:23:07,471 --> 00:23:09,431
♪ My dear, the city's no place for a Jew ♪
582
00:23:09,431 --> 00:23:12,226
- There's no place for you.
- Well, that could be.
583
00:23:12,226 --> 00:23:15,103
♪ Schmuck, you're a schmendrik,
you're a putz ♪
584
00:23:15,103 --> 00:23:18,607
♪ You've got more mud
than brains or guts ♪
585
00:23:18,607 --> 00:23:22,194
♪ Better a living shtetl schmendrik ♪
586
00:23:22,194 --> 00:23:24,821
♪ Than a dead big city Bolshevik ♪
587
00:23:24,821 --> 00:23:26,281
Bullshit!
588
00:23:26,281 --> 00:23:28,283
- Fanny, language!
- Sorry.
589
00:23:29,576 --> 00:23:32,538
♪ dramatic music ♪
590
00:23:32,538 --> 00:23:33,997
♪ See, this is what I'm saying ♪
591
00:23:33,997 --> 00:23:35,457
♪ This Cossack wants us dead ♪
592
00:23:35,457 --> 00:23:37,709
♪ This Cossack has a name,
his name is Fred ♪
593
00:23:37,709 --> 00:23:39,169
- Hi, Fred.
- Hi.
594
00:23:39,169 --> 00:23:41,797
♪ I've known this anti-Semite
for most of my whole life ♪
595
00:23:41,797 --> 00:23:43,340
♪ He's the one
who stabbed your father! ♪
596
00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:44,967
♪ I stabbed him with my knife ♪
597
00:23:44,967 --> 00:23:46,718
♪ Stabbed him with his knife ♪
598
00:23:46,718 --> 00:23:47,970
♪
599
00:23:47,970 --> 00:23:49,388
♪ This Cossack's not a killer ♪
600
00:23:49,388 --> 00:23:51,056
♪ Just peckish, the poor goy ♪
601
00:23:51,056 --> 00:23:53,684
♪ Keep your hands off me,
you filthy stinking Jew ♪
602
00:23:53,684 --> 00:23:55,227
See?
603
00:23:55,227 --> 00:23:57,604
♪ But I've got just the ticket,
the delicious Mudman pie ♪
604
00:23:57,604 --> 00:24:01,817
♪ A little nosh to brighten up
your genocidal mood ♪
605
00:24:03,235 --> 00:24:07,155
[Fred gagging and coughing]
606
00:24:07,155 --> 00:24:09,074
♪
607
00:24:09,074 --> 00:24:10,492
Oh, uh, charades!
608
00:24:10,492 --> 00:24:12,786
He wants to do charades! Okay.
609
00:24:12,786 --> 00:24:15,205
[gagging continues]
Okay.
610
00:24:15,205 --> 00:24:17,374
SCMUCK/FANNY:
First word.
611
00:24:17,374 --> 00:24:19,710
- I!
- I! Joshy, you're so smart!
612
00:24:19,710 --> 00:24:21,962
And don't get me started on that body.
FANNY: Good.
613
00:24:21,962 --> 00:24:23,005
- [coughs]
- Second word.
614
00:24:23,005 --> 00:24:24,089
Uh... Oh!
615
00:24:24,089 --> 00:24:27,676
Kill! Kill! Kill, kill, kill.
SCHMUCK: Good job, Joshy.
616
00:24:27,676 --> 00:24:30,095
[gagging]
Uh, third word. Uh...
617
00:24:30,095 --> 00:24:31,722
Oh. A sheep?
[sheep bleats]
618
00:24:31,722 --> 00:24:33,265
Yes, oh! But, a female sheep.
619
00:24:33,265 --> 00:24:34,516
[whistling]
620
00:24:34,516 --> 00:24:36,310
- Yes... A ewe!
- Ewe?
621
00:24:36,310 --> 00:24:38,312
"I kill you!"
622
00:24:38,312 --> 00:24:39,479
Fourth word.
623
00:24:40,272 --> 00:24:41,023
- Shoe.
- Shoe?
624
00:24:41,023 --> 00:24:42,399
"I kill you shoes."
625
00:24:42,399 --> 00:24:43,817
He hates shoes!
JOSH: I kill you, shoes.
626
00:24:43,817 --> 00:24:44,985
Oh, oh, oh!
627
00:24:44,985 --> 00:24:46,778
"I kill you, Jews!"
628
00:24:46,778 --> 00:24:48,197
SCHMUCK: There it is.
FANNY: I told you, see?
629
00:24:48,197 --> 00:24:50,866
Yeah, you were right, okay.
[coughing]
630
00:24:50,866 --> 00:24:52,242
And...
631
00:24:52,242 --> 00:24:53,243
[crash]
632
00:24:54,703 --> 00:24:56,914
[sheep bleats]
Alright.
633
00:24:58,373 --> 00:24:59,750
FANNY:
Oh.
634
00:25:01,126 --> 00:25:03,420
SCHMUCK:
Well, let's pack our one bag.
635
00:25:03,420 --> 00:25:06,298
♪ The city is the right place ♪
636
00:25:06,298 --> 00:25:10,260
♪ For these Jews! ♪
637
00:25:10,260 --> 00:25:14,139
♪ Fiddler on the Roof- style music ends ♪
638
00:25:14,139 --> 00:25:16,975
But honestly, we should get
going if we wanna beat traffic. Let's go.
639
00:25:16,975 --> 00:25:19,228
FANNY: I'm so happy.
640
00:25:23,315 --> 00:25:25,984
MEL:
Hitler on Ice!
641
00:25:25,984 --> 00:25:28,237
Hey, didn't I say no repeats?
642
00:25:30,113 --> 00:25:32,199
COMMENTATOR 1:
And Adolf Hitler,
643
00:25:32,199 --> 00:25:35,035
not giving the performance
he had hoped for tonight.
644
00:25:35,035 --> 00:25:38,163
Mm. The master race isn't
lookin' so masterful.
645
00:25:38,163 --> 00:25:39,915
COMMENTATOR 2:
Very hard to perform at a high level
646
00:25:39,915 --> 00:25:42,543
when you are losing a two-front war.
647
00:25:42,543 --> 00:25:45,128
Oh! Wow...
COMMENTATOR 1: Oh, no...
648
00:25:45,128 --> 00:25:47,506
You know, it really hurts
when you fall on the ice like that.
649
00:25:47,506 --> 00:25:49,299
- Absolutely, Trish.
- It does.
650
00:25:49,299 --> 00:25:51,176
And that's gonna
wrap it up for Adolf Hitler.
651
00:25:51,176 --> 00:25:53,554
Let's go to the floor and see some scores.
[crowd cheering]
652
00:25:53,554 --> 00:25:56,306
COMMENTATOR 1: And we're gonna follow him
into the kiss and cry booth.
653
00:25:56,306 --> 00:25:58,100
COMMENTATOR 2:
And here he is with his longtime coach,
654
00:25:58,100 --> 00:26:00,477
Joseph Goebbels,
and his new bride, Eva Braun,
655
00:26:00,477 --> 00:26:03,063
and they are throwing things
at him in the audience.
656
00:26:03,063 --> 00:26:05,774
They are throwing dead flowers.
And he's waiting for the scores.
Here they are.
657
00:26:05,774 --> 00:26:06,900
[crowd cheering]
658
00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:09,403
COMMENTATORS:
Wow. Wow! Wow. Wow.
659
00:26:09,403 --> 00:26:12,865
COMMENTATOR 1:
As expected, it's a festival of zeros...
660
00:26:12,865 --> 00:26:15,534
[crowd booing]
except for the French who gave him a 10,
661
00:26:15,534 --> 00:26:18,370
those Vichy cowards.
COMMENTATOR 2: Wow.
662
00:26:18,370 --> 00:26:20,831
TRISH: He got a straight-up
"fuck you" from Poland.
663
00:26:20,831 --> 00:26:22,749
I've said it before, I'll say it again,
664
00:26:22,749 --> 00:26:25,460
if you put concentration camps
in people's countries,
665
00:26:25,460 --> 00:26:27,629
you better be flawless on the ice.
666
00:26:27,629 --> 00:26:30,090
TRISH: Look at how hysterical he is.
COMMENTATOR 2: Wow.
667
00:26:30,090 --> 00:26:31,967
TRISH: See? This is what happens
when men are in charge.
668
00:26:31,967 --> 00:26:33,427
COMMENTATOR 2:
I don't know about you guys.
669
00:26:33,427 --> 00:26:35,470
I think this is gonna turn
into one of those Hitler memes.
670
00:26:35,470 --> 00:26:36,763
Have you guys seen those?
TRISH: Mm-hmm.
671
00:26:36,763 --> 00:26:38,849
COMMENTATOR 1: And, oh.
COMMENTATOR 2: I see a Luger.
672
00:26:38,849 --> 00:26:40,976
I see a Luger. Wow.
COMMENTATOR 1: There's the Luger.
673
00:26:40,976 --> 00:26:44,396
Uh-oh, looks like he's
heading back to the bunker with Eva Braun
674
00:26:44,396 --> 00:26:47,941
to blow his psychopathic brains
right out of his shit head.
675
00:26:47,941 --> 00:26:51,528
Yeah, I have to imagine that
this is his last competition,
676
00:26:51,528 --> 00:26:53,864
and I, for one, am glad about it.
677
00:26:53,864 --> 00:26:55,616
He's a thug and bad for the sport.
678
00:26:55,616 --> 00:26:57,034
And humanity.
679
00:26:57,034 --> 00:26:58,702
The greasy-head motherfucker.
680
00:26:58,702 --> 00:27:01,622
Ho-ho! We're gonna get
some letters about that one,
681
00:27:01,622 --> 00:27:03,582
but hashtag "I stand with Trish."
682
00:27:03,582 --> 00:27:05,250
Hashtag "me too."
683
00:27:05,250 --> 00:27:06,376
I don't know about that one.
684
00:27:06,376 --> 00:27:07,794
Absolutely!
685
00:27:07,794 --> 00:27:09,922
And coming up next,
we've got men's downhill
686
00:27:09,922 --> 00:27:11,632
with Benito Mussolini.
687
00:27:11,632 --> 00:27:13,425
He can make the trains run on time,
688
00:27:13,425 --> 00:27:16,678
but can he beat his
own time on the slopes?
689
00:27:16,678 --> 00:27:19,681
Let's hope he falls down
and breaks both of his fuckin' legs.
690
00:27:19,681 --> 00:27:21,683
♪ klezmer music playing ♪
691
00:27:21,683 --> 00:27:23,685
♪
48613
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