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1
00:00:02,606 --> 00:00:04,877
♪ ♪
2
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(school bell rings)
3
00:00:09,118 --> 00:00:10,420
"Then Papa Bear said,
4
00:00:10,522 --> 00:00:13,093
'Someone's been sleeping
in my bed.'"
5
00:00:13,093 --> 00:00:15,264
This book is so unrealistic.
6
00:00:15,264 --> 00:00:19,171
Dads sleep on the weight bench
in the garage, right?
7
00:00:19,171 --> 00:00:21,777
Okay, Riley, ready to do this?
8
00:00:22,579 --> 00:00:25,117
Tell you what,
you just hang out in there
9
00:00:25,117 --> 00:00:27,221
while I read, okay?
10
00:00:27,221 --> 00:00:29,358
Oh, this dumb book.
11
00:00:29,458 --> 00:00:33,834
"Every day, the milkman brings
fresh milk to your milk box."
12
00:00:34,703 --> 00:00:38,343
But... the milkman
has to be real careful,
13
00:00:38,443 --> 00:00:41,015
because hiding inside
every milk box is...
14
00:00:41,115 --> 00:00:43,721
a fart monster!
15
00:00:43,721 --> 00:00:45,625
(mimics flatulence)
16
00:00:45,625 --> 00:00:47,294
Does it really say that?
17
00:00:47,294 --> 00:00:51,302
Sit back, kid, and I'll tell you
where milk really comes from.
18
00:00:52,071 --> 00:00:54,843
On the farm,
cows eat pig boogers...
19
00:00:54,943 --> 00:00:56,212
Moo!
20
00:00:56,212 --> 00:00:58,416
BART:
...which their butts
turn into milk.
21
00:00:58,416 --> 00:01:01,957
Then the cows
are loaded onto farm rockets.
22
00:01:01,957 --> 00:01:03,928
(mooing)
23
00:01:03,928 --> 00:01:06,533
(cackles)
24
00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:08,270
BART:
But space goats
and astro donkeys
25
00:01:08,270 --> 00:01:10,875
headbutt the beef shuttle!
26
00:01:10,875 --> 00:01:14,448
And that
is where milk comes from.
27
00:01:16,452 --> 00:01:18,089
(laughing)
28
00:01:18,189 --> 00:01:20,728
I thought drawing in books
wasn't allowed.
29
00:01:20,828 --> 00:01:22,498
Hey, who's the big kid here?
30
00:01:22,498 --> 00:01:24,335
You are.
31
00:01:31,583 --> 00:01:32,686
(gulps)
32
00:01:32,686 --> 00:01:34,589
Thanks to your little prank,
33
00:01:34,589 --> 00:01:37,963
- 25 library books were ruined.
- (sighs)
34
00:01:37,963 --> 00:01:41,135
Haven't we told you
that books are precious?
35
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:44,108
I'm afraid to count
how many times I've said that.
36
00:01:44,108 --> 00:01:45,077
No, you weren't even there.
37
00:01:45,210 --> 00:01:47,047
I was just trying
to make it fun for the kid.
38
00:01:47,047 --> 00:01:48,651
You never take my side.
39
00:01:48,651 --> 00:01:52,057
Side? Get a load of this kid
with a side.
40
00:01:52,057 --> 00:01:54,061
How dare you defend yourself?
41
00:01:54,061 --> 00:01:56,032
You are the destroyer!
42
00:01:56,032 --> 00:01:57,502
Yes, that's it.
43
00:01:57,602 --> 00:01:58,838
The destroyer.
44
00:01:58,838 --> 00:01:59,973
You ruin everything,
45
00:02:00,073 --> 00:02:02,311
even our holiday picture.
46
00:02:02,411 --> 00:02:06,019
HOMER:
There's no such thing
as Christmas fangs!
47
00:02:06,119 --> 00:02:09,693
I had to wear a scarf
to midnight mass.
48
00:02:09,793 --> 00:02:11,964
I don't have a moment
when I'm not worried
49
00:02:11,964 --> 00:02:13,668
about what you'll do next.
50
00:02:13,668 --> 00:02:15,470
I can't... I ju...
51
00:02:15,571 --> 00:02:16,740
(panting)
52
00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:17,809
I can't...
53
00:02:17,809 --> 00:02:19,378
Babe, babe, tag me in.
54
00:02:19,378 --> 00:02:21,583
I can take him. Destroyer.
55
00:02:21,684 --> 00:02:24,523
Our house is filled
with unexploded pranks.
56
00:02:24,523 --> 00:02:28,396
Any toilet seat
could be covered in superglue.
57
00:02:28,496 --> 00:02:30,233
Bart put hot dog water
in the ice maker.
58
00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:32,071
He's the destroyer!
59
00:02:32,071 --> 00:02:33,808
I just told him that.
60
00:02:33,908 --> 00:02:35,344
Good.
61
00:02:36,647 --> 00:02:39,218
Ten years as your father
has left me empty.
62
00:02:39,218 --> 00:02:41,623
Like an orange soda bottle
at a picnic--
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00:02:41,623 --> 00:02:44,763
sticky and covered
with dying bees!
64
00:02:44,763 --> 00:02:45,965
I'm just...
65
00:02:45,965 --> 00:02:47,969
I c... I can't...
66
00:02:47,969 --> 00:02:49,539
Babe, babe.
67
00:02:49,639 --> 00:02:50,508
Okay, punishments.
68
00:02:50,508 --> 00:02:52,244
What's your
least favorite vegetable?
69
00:02:52,244 --> 00:02:53,446
Swiss chard.
(gasps)
70
00:02:53,547 --> 00:02:55,651
You're looking at a whole lot
71
00:02:55,651 --> 00:02:58,289
of swiss chard
sandwiches, buster.
72
00:02:58,289 --> 00:03:01,563
And you're never allowed
to read a book again!
73
00:03:02,632 --> 00:03:05,203
Okay, first off,
we're on your side.
74
00:03:05,203 --> 00:03:08,043
What Bart did was inexcusable.
75
00:03:08,043 --> 00:03:10,080
He's a bad kid.
Straight up.
76
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:12,351
You're lucky you only
have him for one year.
77
00:03:12,451 --> 00:03:13,854
Well, it might be two,
78
00:03:13,954 --> 00:03:15,691
but that's another meeting.
79
00:03:15,691 --> 00:03:17,227
But don't you worry.
80
00:03:17,327 --> 00:03:20,501
The unholy parade of punishments
we've cooked up for Bart
81
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:22,404
is both cruel and unusual.
82
00:03:22,404 --> 00:03:24,475
When he opens his eyes
every morning,
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00:03:24,475 --> 00:03:26,212
his first thought will be,
84
00:03:26,345 --> 00:03:28,349
"Oh, no, another day."
85
00:03:28,450 --> 00:03:31,355
Before we explore
the punishment space,
86
00:03:31,355 --> 00:03:33,426
let me show you something.
87
00:03:35,330 --> 00:03:37,301
I love books now.
88
00:03:37,301 --> 00:03:40,307
(excited chatter)
89
00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:42,077
Oh, the kids haven't been
this excited to read
90
00:03:42,077 --> 00:03:45,952
since we accidentally stocked
Matthew Perry's autobiography.
91
00:03:45,952 --> 00:03:47,488
All thanks to your son.
92
00:03:47,589 --> 00:03:50,360
Bart was just trying
to help his younger peers
93
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,932
engage with their
reading interactively--
94
00:03:52,932 --> 00:03:54,435
"make it fun."
95
00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,205
Well, he said that to us, too,
96
00:03:56,205 --> 00:03:58,209
but we didn't believe him.
97
00:03:58,209 --> 00:04:00,347
We've sort of learned
never to believe him.
98
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,084
"One evening, Ralph decided
99
00:04:02,184 --> 00:04:04,756
to go for a walk
in the moonlight."
100
00:04:04,756 --> 00:04:08,396
This is the first book he hasn't
tried to kiss or wear as a hat.
101
00:04:08,496 --> 00:04:12,137
Oh, Bart is such
a wonderful, amazing son.
102
00:04:12,271 --> 00:04:14,275
That's always been our feeling.
103
00:04:14,275 --> 00:04:17,782
May I hug the people
who created Bart?
104
00:04:17,782 --> 00:04:20,053
Mmm, mmm, ooh.
105
00:04:20,153 --> 00:04:22,892
What just happened in there?
106
00:04:23,026 --> 00:04:24,563
Bart? Good?
107
00:04:24,663 --> 00:04:26,767
Nothing makes sense anymore.
108
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:30,340
I-I don't-I don't think
this is our car.
109
00:04:31,142 --> 00:04:33,179
What color is our car, Marge?
110
00:04:33,179 --> 00:04:34,381
Black? Uh...
111
00:04:34,381 --> 00:04:36,753
No, no, no,
that's-that's not it.
112
00:04:36,753 --> 00:04:39,626
How is it everyone else
saw the best in Bart
113
00:04:39,759 --> 00:04:40,962
and we didn't?
114
00:04:40,962 --> 00:04:43,767
Are we horrible parents?
115
00:04:43,767 --> 00:04:47,274
I don't know. I-I mean,
we love Bart, don't we?
116
00:04:47,407 --> 00:04:49,679
Oh, so much.
117
00:04:49,779 --> 00:04:50,982
So much.
118
00:04:50,982 --> 00:04:54,990
But what if we don't
like him?
119
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:02,471
We don't like our own son!
120
00:05:02,471 --> 00:05:04,743
We're horrible parents.
121
00:05:04,843 --> 00:05:06,045
It's not our fault.
122
00:05:06,045 --> 00:05:07,882
He just wears you down.
123
00:05:07,982 --> 00:05:09,351
I can't take it.
124
00:05:09,351 --> 00:05:11,723
And I'm the strongest person
I know.
125
00:05:11,824 --> 00:05:15,363
We weren't planning on starting
a family when we had him.
126
00:05:15,363 --> 00:05:16,733
What if, deep down,
127
00:05:16,834 --> 00:05:19,806
we blame Bart for throwing
our lives out of whack?
128
00:05:19,806 --> 00:05:22,110
That's the thing
no one ever tells you:
129
00:05:22,110 --> 00:05:25,150
having kids changes your life.
130
00:05:25,150 --> 00:05:27,387
I just wish so much
131
00:05:27,487 --> 00:05:29,659
that we could see him
like other people do,
132
00:05:29,659 --> 00:05:33,968
without all the emotional gunk
of ten years of parenting him.
133
00:05:34,068 --> 00:05:35,771
He deserves that much.
134
00:05:35,771 --> 00:05:39,245
Maybe.
But that's not how life works.
135
00:05:39,345 --> 00:05:41,048
(thunder rumbles)
136
00:05:42,117 --> 00:05:44,488
It just doesn't.
137
00:05:49,331 --> 00:05:52,104
- (yawns)
- Mm...
138
00:05:53,072 --> 00:05:55,978
Another beautiful day.
139
00:05:55,978 --> 00:05:57,582
Should we go wake the kids?
140
00:05:57,682 --> 00:05:58,416
Sure.
141
00:05:58,416 --> 00:06:01,422
Why don't we each take one?
142
00:06:01,422 --> 00:06:03,359
Two parents, two kids--
143
00:06:03,359 --> 00:06:05,297
the perfect family.
144
00:06:05,297 --> 00:06:07,735
♪ ♪
145
00:06:13,581 --> 00:06:15,718
("Morgenbl ätter, Op. 279"
by Strauss playing)
146
00:06:37,895 --> 00:06:40,835
♪ ♪
147
00:06:56,633 --> 00:06:58,671
♪ ♪
148
00:07:02,812 --> 00:07:04,749
So what are we looking at today?
149
00:07:04,749 --> 00:07:07,689
Well, I heard Dr. Vargas
is cheating on Dr. Chen
150
00:07:07,689 --> 00:07:09,458
with that gorgeous new resident.
151
00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:11,964
Great.
Now, what about our patients?
152
00:07:11,964 --> 00:07:15,203
I have no idea. But I made
a chart showing who on staff
153
00:07:15,203 --> 00:07:16,439
is hooking up with who.
154
00:07:16,540 --> 00:07:18,376
What is it
about big-city hospitals
155
00:07:18,376 --> 00:07:20,280
that attracts
the most melodramatic,
156
00:07:20,380 --> 00:07:22,852
sex-obsessed health workers
on Earth?
157
00:07:22,852 --> 00:07:24,956
(indistinct chatter)
158
00:07:32,137 --> 00:07:35,343
Dr. Simpson. They need you
in Room 6. Code Blue!
159
00:07:35,343 --> 00:07:37,381
- What's the crisis?
- Dr. Kern fell in love
160
00:07:37,481 --> 00:07:38,617
with his wife's sister's wife,
161
00:07:38,617 --> 00:07:40,821
and now he's questioning everything.
162
00:07:41,823 --> 00:07:43,226
(groans)
163
00:07:43,326 --> 00:07:44,495
(beeping)
164
00:07:44,495 --> 00:07:45,598
Break's over.
165
00:07:45,698 --> 00:07:47,669
("Charge" fanfare plays)
166
00:07:47,669 --> 00:07:49,539
CROWD:
Charge!
167
00:07:50,340 --> 00:07:53,146
HOMER:
I love my job.
168
00:07:53,146 --> 00:07:55,417
Okay, Homer,
bottom of the ninth.
169
00:07:55,417 --> 00:07:58,289
Let's get this stadium rocking.
170
00:07:58,289 --> 00:08:00,594
(grunting gently)
171
00:08:02,832 --> 00:08:04,669
♪ ♪
172
00:08:05,437 --> 00:08:07,174
(crowd cheering)
173
00:08:07,174 --> 00:08:08,209
HOMER:
Fifty?
174
00:08:08,209 --> 00:08:09,813
You can do better than that.
175
00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:12,852
(exclaims)
176
00:08:16,158 --> 00:08:18,096
We're almost at maximum noise.
177
00:08:18,196 --> 00:08:19,498
Maybe today's the day.
178
00:08:19,498 --> 00:08:21,503
Release the rally ferret!
179
00:08:22,605 --> 00:08:24,542
♪ Insane in the membrane ♪
180
00:08:24,542 --> 00:08:26,813
♪ Insane in the brain ♪
181
00:08:32,057 --> 00:08:33,159
(sighs)
182
00:08:33,259 --> 00:08:34,328
Maybe, in the end,
183
00:08:34,328 --> 00:08:37,769
mankind wasn't meant
to be 100 loud.
184
00:08:38,570 --> 00:08:40,574
Ah.
Well, that's my daily
185
00:08:40,574 --> 00:08:42,044
eight ounces of light beer.
186
00:08:42,044 --> 00:08:45,016
Thirst quenched,
I'll head directly home.
187
00:08:45,016 --> 00:08:48,289
Just once, I'd like to see
Homer Simpson get drunk.
188
00:08:48,389 --> 00:08:49,324
Ah, well.
189
00:08:49,324 --> 00:08:50,761
(vuvuzela blares)
190
00:08:52,632 --> 00:08:54,569
Uh-oh, better tap a new keg
191
00:08:54,569 --> 00:08:56,940
for the happiest man
in Springfield.
192
00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:59,411
Yeah, what's your secret,
Skin-man?
193
00:08:59,411 --> 00:09:01,315
Eh, a stimulating job
at a school
194
00:09:01,415 --> 00:09:02,552
full of obedient children,
195
00:09:02,652 --> 00:09:04,823
with not one
troublemaker in the bunch.
196
00:09:04,823 --> 00:09:07,227
Not a one.
197
00:09:07,227 --> 00:09:10,333
I'm all the trouble he needs.
198
00:09:10,433 --> 00:09:11,603
Well, I'm off.
199
00:09:11,603 --> 00:09:13,874
See you later, wild man.
200
00:09:15,911 --> 00:09:17,314
("Lido Shuffle" by Boz Scaggs
starts playing)
201
00:09:17,314 --> 00:09:19,017
♪ Lido ♪
202
00:09:20,186 --> 00:09:22,290
♪ Whoa... ♪
203
00:09:25,263 --> 00:09:26,600
You guys are so sweet,
204
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:29,338
surprising me with
ice cream after work.
205
00:09:29,338 --> 00:09:31,108
It was Lisa's idea.
206
00:09:31,208 --> 00:09:34,849
Well, Ice Cream Parlor
Malibu Stacy wanted some, too.
207
00:09:34,849 --> 00:09:38,022
(whoops) Ice cream party!
208
00:09:38,824 --> 00:09:41,095
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
209
00:09:41,095 --> 00:09:43,032
Oh, no.
210
00:09:43,132 --> 00:09:45,136
(gasping)
211
00:09:46,138 --> 00:09:48,109
Oh, no!
212
00:09:50,113 --> 00:09:51,482
MARGE:
It's a child.
213
00:09:51,482 --> 00:09:52,952
(groans)
214
00:09:53,052 --> 00:09:54,722
Homer, he's alive.
215
00:09:57,461 --> 00:09:59,164
Who are you, little boy?
216
00:09:59,164 --> 00:10:02,104
Where are your parents?
What's your name?
217
00:10:02,204 --> 00:10:04,341
I'm Bart... um, something.
218
00:10:04,441 --> 00:10:05,778
Who the hell are you?
219
00:10:07,314 --> 00:10:09,485
Now, you can't remember anything
220
00:10:09,619 --> 00:10:11,155
before the accident?
221
00:10:11,155 --> 00:10:12,491
Sorry, I got nothing.
222
00:10:12,625 --> 00:10:14,361
Well, have you ever
had amnesia before?
223
00:10:14,461 --> 00:10:16,165
No way I'd forget
something like that.
224
00:10:16,298 --> 00:10:18,704
Well, until we figure out
who this kid is,
225
00:10:18,704 --> 00:10:20,473
I'm gonna have to keep him
down at the station.
226
00:10:20,473 --> 00:10:22,812
Hey, uh, are you
a true crime buff?
227
00:10:22,812 --> 00:10:25,751
Hope so, 'cause you're sleeping
one cell over from this guy
228
00:10:25,751 --> 00:10:28,524
who is gonna be huge
on Dateline.
229
00:10:28,524 --> 00:10:30,260
No, don't take him to jail.
230
00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:32,497
He can stay at our house.
231
00:10:32,497 --> 00:10:35,370
The poor thing.
He must be so scared.
232
00:10:35,470 --> 00:10:38,209
X-ray of my butt for you.
One for you.
233
00:10:38,209 --> 00:10:40,380
Two for the lady.
234
00:10:41,616 --> 00:10:43,854
Aw, nice pile of bricks
you got here.
235
00:10:43,854 --> 00:10:45,624
So, what's your deal?
I thought rich people
236
00:10:45,724 --> 00:10:47,595
were supposed to be skinny.
237
00:10:47,695 --> 00:10:49,031
We're not rich.
238
00:10:49,031 --> 00:10:50,433
It's just that Marge and I both
239
00:10:50,433 --> 00:10:52,204
have great jobs that we love.
240
00:10:52,204 --> 00:10:54,041
(yawns)
241
00:10:54,141 --> 00:10:57,815
Everything you see here
is a result of careful planning.
242
00:10:57,815 --> 00:10:59,986
(imitates snoring)
243
00:11:01,790 --> 00:11:05,430
Is he fake-snoring so as
to imply that we're boring?
244
00:11:05,430 --> 00:11:06,933
I think he is.
245
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:10,206
Well, let's see how he likes
a taste of his own medicine.
246
00:11:10,306 --> 00:11:12,110
(imitates snoring)
247
00:11:13,279 --> 00:11:15,016
(snoring)
248
00:11:15,116 --> 00:11:16,352
Ah, my medicine.
249
00:11:18,422 --> 00:11:20,059
Can we both admit I won this?
250
00:11:20,059 --> 00:11:23,399
(sighs)
I'll take you to your room.
251
00:11:23,499 --> 00:11:24,502
What are you waiting for?
252
00:11:24,502 --> 00:11:26,806
This ain't over anytime soon.
253
00:11:28,442 --> 00:11:31,516
Aw, the cheap bed in my room
broke for some reason.
254
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:33,152
What you got going on in here?
255
00:11:33,152 --> 00:11:36,425
Malibu Stacy is going on
a shopping trip to the mall.
256
00:11:36,526 --> 00:11:37,862
So fun.
257
00:11:37,862 --> 00:11:39,699
Why don't you take them
out of their boxes?
258
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,570
Then you can
smash them with a rock,
259
00:11:41,570 --> 00:11:43,139
light their hair on fire.
260
00:11:43,239 --> 00:11:43,941
Lot of good options.
261
00:11:43,941 --> 00:11:45,711
If I take them out of the box,
262
00:11:45,711 --> 00:11:47,480
they won't be perfect anymore.
263
00:11:47,582 --> 00:11:50,453
Uh, I might have a little OCD.
264
00:11:50,453 --> 00:11:52,992
ADHD.
Nice to meet you.
265
00:11:55,998 --> 00:11:58,737
("Morgenbl ätter, Op. 279"
by Strauss playing)
266
00:12:10,326 --> 00:12:12,898
♪ ♪
267
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:18,677
- ♪ Lido... ♪
- Mmm, nothing like
a morning drive
268
00:12:18,677 --> 00:12:22,150
with the top down.
Got Boz Scaggs on the radio.
269
00:12:22,150 --> 00:12:24,021
Life is tight.
270
00:12:24,021 --> 00:12:25,624
(gasps)
271
00:12:25,724 --> 00:12:27,728
- (squish)
- (tires screech)
- (crash)
272
00:12:27,728 --> 00:12:29,197
My cool-- it's gone!
273
00:12:29,298 --> 00:12:32,003
MISS SPRINGFIELD:
Goodbye, Seymour.
274
00:12:34,074 --> 00:12:35,443
(humming)
275
00:12:35,443 --> 00:12:37,347
(giggling)
276
00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:41,455
No, Maggie.
Bubble boy bad.
277
00:12:42,758 --> 00:12:44,996
Where's Mom?
I have to make my own sandwich
278
00:12:44,996 --> 00:12:47,400
and write my own
sweet note to myself
279
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,371
on my lunch bag?
I mean, co...
280
00:12:49,471 --> 00:12:51,108
Ugh.
All right, um...
281
00:12:51,108 --> 00:12:54,916
"The world will be great today
because you are."
282
00:12:54,916 --> 00:12:56,820
Aw, that's sweet.
283
00:12:56,920 --> 00:13:00,226
And here's an inspirational
quote from Uncle Bart.
284
00:13:02,330 --> 00:13:03,700
"Eat my shorts."
285
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:05,236
Oh, very clever.
286
00:13:05,336 --> 00:13:07,575
If someone actually
ate your shorts,
287
00:13:07,675 --> 00:13:08,644
what would it mean?
288
00:13:08,644 --> 00:13:10,279
I don't know, just
something you say so people
289
00:13:10,279 --> 00:13:12,183
don't mess with you,
because you're the boss
290
00:13:12,183 --> 00:13:15,223
and if they don't like it,
they can eat your shorts.
291
00:13:15,323 --> 00:13:18,295
So, did you remember
where home is yet,
292
00:13:18,396 --> 00:13:20,668
low-maintenance guest?
293
00:13:20,768 --> 00:13:22,538
Sorry, guys,
I know as much about me
294
00:13:22,638 --> 00:13:24,007
as you know about me,
295
00:13:24,141 --> 00:13:25,209
which is...
296
00:13:26,011 --> 00:13:28,717
- (belching): I rule.
- (barks)
297
00:13:28,717 --> 00:13:30,654
Aw, we're all breathing that.
298
00:13:30,788 --> 00:13:33,025
(belching)
299
00:13:33,927 --> 00:13:35,998
I know he's just
a stray kid in need,
300
00:13:35,998 --> 00:13:38,035
but I don't like him.
301
00:13:38,035 --> 00:13:40,440
I'm gonna play
a little pickleball.
302
00:13:42,545 --> 00:13:45,584
- (grunting)
- I bet his parents
don't even like him.
303
00:13:45,584 --> 00:13:47,588
I mean, who could?
304
00:13:48,489 --> 00:13:50,928
- (gasps)
- (growls)
305
00:13:55,537 --> 00:13:56,940
- ♪ ♪
- (crowd cheering)
306
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,510
For a guy who sweats
when he thinks,
307
00:13:58,510 --> 00:14:00,113
you've got a pretty sweet gig.
308
00:14:00,113 --> 00:14:02,283
Listen up, Memento Junior,
309
00:14:02,283 --> 00:14:04,555
just because I don't
want you alone in my home
310
00:14:04,555 --> 00:14:06,058
doesn't mean I want you here.
311
00:14:06,058 --> 00:14:09,532
Wow, thousands of drunk dads
and their bored kids
312
00:14:09,532 --> 00:14:10,734
under your total control.
313
00:14:10,868 --> 00:14:12,872
You can make them
do anything you want.
314
00:14:12,972 --> 00:14:13,974
Well, not anything.
315
00:14:13,974 --> 00:14:16,445
Actually, there are pretty
strict rules about...
316
00:14:16,546 --> 00:14:17,948
Hey, stop that!
317
00:14:21,890 --> 00:14:23,627
What have you done?
318
00:14:23,727 --> 00:14:25,463
(cheering)
319
00:14:29,271 --> 00:14:32,812
(gasps)
95? What have you done?
320
00:14:32,812 --> 00:14:34,882
And by all means, do more.
321
00:14:50,914 --> 00:14:52,785
Oh, my God.
322
00:14:52,918 --> 00:14:54,555
Can this be happening?
323
00:14:59,297 --> 00:15:01,770
A hundred!
I finally got 100!
324
00:15:01,770 --> 00:15:04,307
It's the most noise
there can ever be.
325
00:15:04,307 --> 00:15:06,579
(crowd cheering)
326
00:15:06,579 --> 00:15:09,084
Kid, I don't know who you are
or where you came from,
327
00:15:09,084 --> 00:15:10,988
but you made magic today.
328
00:15:10,988 --> 00:15:12,825
You showed this
set-in-his-ways
329
00:15:12,825 --> 00:15:14,796
old Jumbotron operator
330
00:15:14,896 --> 00:15:16,966
that there's a beautiful chaos
in this job
331
00:15:16,966 --> 00:15:19,271
I never dreamed existed.
332
00:15:19,404 --> 00:15:21,208
You're all right.
333
00:15:21,308 --> 00:15:23,379
And you're easily won over.
334
00:15:23,379 --> 00:15:27,053
(The Simpsons theme
plays on organ)
335
00:15:28,155 --> 00:15:31,295
Kid turns our house
upside down in one night.
336
00:15:31,395 --> 00:15:32,464
Who the hell am I?
337
00:15:32,464 --> 00:15:33,967
Who the hell are you?
338
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,069
Oh, my God, have you heard?
339
00:15:35,069 --> 00:15:36,706
The man we
thought was Dr. Taylor
340
00:15:36,806 --> 00:15:39,244
was actually his murderous twin.
341
00:15:39,244 --> 00:15:41,616
And last night, he proposed!
342
00:15:41,716 --> 00:15:43,553
Not today, Tracey.
343
00:15:43,687 --> 00:15:45,524
(barking, meowing)
344
00:15:46,325 --> 00:15:48,329
Why are we not
treating any patients?
345
00:15:48,329 --> 00:15:49,832
Where's my staff?
346
00:15:49,832 --> 00:15:51,101
Who's ready to find out
347
00:15:51,201 --> 00:15:53,072
which of my
three co-worker lovers
348
00:15:53,072 --> 00:15:55,243
is the father of my child?
349
00:15:55,243 --> 00:15:57,447
(whooping)
350
00:15:57,447 --> 00:15:59,451
Enough!
351
00:15:59,919 --> 00:16:01,956
No more romance.
No more intrigue.
352
00:16:02,056 --> 00:16:04,327
The next person who does
anything dramatic is fired.
353
00:16:04,327 --> 00:16:06,465
And if you don't
like it, you can
354
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,503
eat my shorts!
355
00:16:08,503 --> 00:16:09,739
(all gasp)
356
00:16:09,739 --> 00:16:11,609
We'll be much more
professional, ma'am.
357
00:16:11,609 --> 00:16:13,613
Maybe the sex closet
358
00:16:13,613 --> 00:16:15,349
could be a supply closet?
359
00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:17,922
And the sex-mobile
could be an ambulance.
360
00:16:17,922 --> 00:16:19,592
"Eat my shorts."
361
00:16:19,592 --> 00:16:23,533
Still don't know what it means,
but it really works.
362
00:16:25,369 --> 00:16:26,906
Hey, Jitters.
What you working on?
363
00:16:27,006 --> 00:16:28,309
I'm doing a diorama
364
00:16:28,309 --> 00:16:30,446
on the history of homework.
365
00:16:30,547 --> 00:16:33,152
Did you know that
in ancient Assyria,
366
00:16:33,252 --> 00:16:35,122
novice scribes had to get...
367
00:16:35,122 --> 00:16:37,393
Oh, it's Friday, nerd.
368
00:16:37,393 --> 00:16:39,565
Put down the tweezers
and live a little.
369
00:16:39,565 --> 00:16:41,268
W-wait, let me just
finish the detailing
370
00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:43,305
on this Trapper Keeper
because then I...
371
00:16:43,405 --> 00:16:45,176
When I need to relax,
I like to watch
372
00:16:45,276 --> 00:16:46,746
a little Itchy and Scratchy.
373
00:16:46,846 --> 00:16:48,415
Yeah, I've seen the lunch boxes.
374
00:16:48,415 --> 00:16:49,417
It's not for me.
375
00:16:49,417 --> 00:16:50,587
You'll love it.
376
00:16:50,587 --> 00:16:51,656
It's about a cat and a mouse
377
00:16:51,656 --> 00:16:52,858
trying to kill each other.
378
00:16:52,958 --> 00:16:55,296
You know-- the human experience.
379
00:16:55,296 --> 00:16:58,469
♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show. ♪
380
00:17:23,987 --> 00:17:26,091
♪ ♪
381
00:17:47,635 --> 00:17:50,807
Have you ever heard
Lisa make that sound?
382
00:17:50,807 --> 00:17:52,310
I've heard her laugh before,
383
00:17:52,410 --> 00:17:54,782
but it's always been ironic.
Or sarcastic.
384
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:58,188
Or dubiously polite and
just a little bit put-upon.
385
00:17:58,188 --> 00:18:00,761
(laughing continuing)
386
00:18:00,761 --> 00:18:02,765
But never that.
387
00:18:02,765 --> 00:18:03,934
- Aw.
- Aw.
388
00:18:04,034 --> 00:18:07,407
Once again, cartoon violence
and mental health
389
00:18:07,407 --> 00:18:09,679
go hand in hand.
390
00:18:10,479 --> 00:18:12,851
So, how late
did you two crazy kids
391
00:18:12,952 --> 00:18:14,487
stay up watching cartoons?
392
00:18:14,588 --> 00:18:17,026
I don't know,
but all the ads on TV
393
00:18:17,126 --> 00:18:18,329
were about calling women
394
00:18:18,329 --> 00:18:21,636
who couldn't wait
to talk to us right now.
395
00:18:21,636 --> 00:18:23,540
I'm glad you had fun.
396
00:18:24,675 --> 00:18:25,844
Well, that's odd.
397
00:18:25,944 --> 00:18:27,848
Maggie never
liked that book before.
398
00:18:27,948 --> 00:18:29,417
I zazzed it up for her.
399
00:18:33,359 --> 00:18:36,566
Oh, you wrote Maggie
into the story.
400
00:18:36,666 --> 00:18:39,471
What a special
little guy you are.
401
00:18:39,471 --> 00:18:42,544
Eh, no way.
I just wanted to deface a book.
402
00:18:43,813 --> 00:18:45,449
Sure you did.
403
00:18:47,621 --> 00:18:48,790
Morning, folks.
404
00:18:48,790 --> 00:18:50,727
Why'd you break down our door?
405
00:18:50,727 --> 00:18:52,731
Oh, we do that for everyone now.
406
00:18:52,831 --> 00:18:53,733
So, good news.
407
00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:56,639
I'm taking Bart away forever.
(chuckles)
408
00:18:56,639 --> 00:18:59,512
Oh. So you figured
out where he's from?
409
00:18:59,512 --> 00:19:01,683
No, but I went
to the courthouse,
410
00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:03,252
and one of those, uh, uh,
411
00:19:03,252 --> 00:19:05,557
robe-and-gavel guys
said to dump him
412
00:19:05,691 --> 00:19:08,462
at the Springfield
Maximum Security Orphanage.
413
00:19:08,462 --> 00:19:10,934
Uh, it used to be a prison,
but don't worry.
414
00:19:11,034 --> 00:19:13,606
None of the old guards
lost their jobs.
415
00:19:13,707 --> 00:19:16,646
You know, we could hang on
to Bart for a little while,
416
00:19:16,646 --> 00:19:18,917
if you want to
keep working on his case.
417
00:19:18,917 --> 00:19:20,219
No, thank you.
418
00:19:21,221 --> 00:19:24,027
Oh, hey, don't worry about it.
419
00:19:24,027 --> 00:19:25,764
I knew this was
a short-term gig,
420
00:19:25,764 --> 00:19:28,636
and I'll always have
something to remember you by.
421
00:19:29,739 --> 00:19:31,743
Why you little...
422
00:19:32,745 --> 00:19:35,449
Adios, losers.
423
00:19:35,449 --> 00:19:37,253
Next time you see
a mouse kill a cat
424
00:19:37,253 --> 00:19:39,725
in a way you never thought
possible, think of me.
425
00:19:39,725 --> 00:19:41,395
I will.
426
00:19:47,775 --> 00:19:50,446
Bart! Come back!
427
00:19:50,547 --> 00:19:53,318
We like you.
God help us, we like you.
428
00:19:53,419 --> 00:19:55,924
We like you so much.
429
00:19:56,926 --> 00:19:58,295
Stop!
430
00:19:58,295 --> 00:19:59,899
Don't take him!
431
00:20:13,058 --> 00:20:14,060
You're still here.
432
00:20:14,194 --> 00:20:15,897
My beautiful, wonderful boy
433
00:20:15,897 --> 00:20:17,935
is still here.
434
00:20:19,104 --> 00:20:20,372
(grunts)
Ow.
435
00:20:20,372 --> 00:20:22,009
What the hell?
Get off.
436
00:20:22,110 --> 00:20:23,412
I'm sorry, son.
437
00:20:23,412 --> 00:20:26,819
We just couldn't wait
to tell you something.
438
00:20:26,919 --> 00:20:28,757
We like you.
439
00:20:28,757 --> 00:20:30,961
We like our son so much.
440
00:20:30,961 --> 00:20:32,931
We just realized.
441
00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:34,535
Mm, I like you guys, too.
442
00:20:35,336 --> 00:20:38,576
Wait. What do you mean,
you just realized?
443
00:20:38,576 --> 00:20:40,446
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
444
00:20:40,446 --> 00:20:42,283
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
445
00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:43,953
and TOYOTA.
446
00:20:43,953 --> 00:20:45,857
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
447
00:20:50,534 --> 00:20:52,270
Come back down the staircase,
Ralphie, school's over.
448
00:20:52,270 --> 00:20:53,472
It's time to go home.
449
00:20:53,472 --> 00:20:56,011
Willie's locking up in five,
you know.
450
00:20:56,144 --> 00:20:57,915
Yeah, I heard you
the first ten times.
451
00:20:57,915 --> 00:20:59,985
Just put down the purple crayon.
452
00:21:00,085 --> 00:21:01,823
No... Ah-ah, don't draw a boat.
453
00:21:01,823 --> 00:21:03,258
Ra... No boat, Ralph...
454
00:21:03,258 --> 00:21:05,262
Don't... Don...
Well, don't get in the boat.
455
00:21:05,262 --> 00:21:06,966
You don't know where
the river goes to.
456
00:21:06,966 --> 00:21:09,204
- Ralphie. Ralphie!
- RALPH: Whee!
457
00:21:09,204 --> 00:21:11,341
♪ Lido ♪
458
00:21:12,276 --> 00:21:15,316
♪ Whoa ♪
459
00:21:16,986 --> 00:21:18,756
♪ One more job ♪
460
00:21:18,857 --> 00:21:20,493
♪ Ought to get it ♪
461
00:21:20,493 --> 00:21:23,900
♪ One last shot and we quit it ♪
462
00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:26,004
♪ One more for ♪
463
00:21:26,104 --> 00:21:28,843
♪ The road. ♪
464
00:21:28,843 --> 00:21:31,014
Shh.
30032
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