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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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Next up, the People v. John Gorman.
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Mr. Gorman is charged with larceny theft
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for a purse snatching.
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Uh, Your Honor,
this alleged crime is so quaint,
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00:00:16,299 --> 00:00:17,842
it's actually charming.
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It's an homage to a simpler time,
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00:00:19,886 --> 00:00:23,056
when people had the decency
to rob you to your face,
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00:00:23,056 --> 00:00:26,559
when a street urchin could pick
your pocket and warm your heart,
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00:00:26,559 --> 00:00:28,603
often within the same song.
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- Objection. Hot nonsense.
- Sustained.
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00:00:33,316 --> 00:00:35,568
The State has a witness, Your Honor.
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Would you mind describing
what you saw, please?
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00:00:38,404 --> 00:00:40,490
It's a crisp autumn day.
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00:00:40,490 --> 00:00:43,243
A blur of a man races by a street vendor
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selling daffodils.
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Behind me, a cry rings out... "My bag!
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He stole my bag!"
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The city feels nothing.
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Would the counsel
please approach the bench?
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Permission to treat
the witness like a nut bar?
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00:01:00,593 --> 00:01:02,428
- Don't you know who that is?
- Mm?
23
00:01:02,428 --> 00:01:04,430
That's Remecca Monte-Pulciano.
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00:01:04,430 --> 00:01:06,140
She hosts this podcast that I love,
25
00:01:06,140 --> 00:01:07,976
"The Social Archaeologist."
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I'm not a fan of podcasts.
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00:01:09,352 --> 00:01:10,687
I'm an audiobook gal.
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I'm in the middle
of Matthew McConaughey's.
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Tomorrow, I'm gonna hit you with an...
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00:01:13,940 --> 00:01:17,193
"All rise, all rise, all rise."
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This one focuses on everyday people
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and digs deep into
what makes them inspirational.
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00:01:21,489 --> 00:01:22,699
I'm almost positive it's her.
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00:01:22,699 --> 00:01:24,367
There's only one way to find out.
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Would the witness please say the phrase,
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"Here is your Wisdom-Out Wednesday"?
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Here is your Wisdom-Out Wednesday.
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00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,585
Oh-ho! It is her!
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00:01:33,585 --> 00:01:36,337
I finally got to see her mouth
move while she says it.
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00:01:36,337 --> 00:01:39,799
Now that we've achieved all
our dreams, only death awaits.
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00:01:39,799 --> 00:01:42,051
Wait, where's the defendant?
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00:01:42,051 --> 00:01:43,428
And where's my purse?
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Oh, did anyone see what happened?
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There was an echo of worn soles
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00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:49,684
on cracked linoleum,
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and then a flash of fake Hermès orange.
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And for no reason at all,
shade was thrown.
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And speak your truth
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00:02:15,460 --> 00:02:17,003
after the beep.
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00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:18,713
Oh! That was amazing.
51
00:02:18,713 --> 00:02:20,673
Now I'm even more excited
for my dental appointment
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00:02:20,673 --> 00:02:22,759
to get confirmed tomorrow.
53
00:02:22,759 --> 00:02:25,762
But actually, there is another
reason I asked you to stay.
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The truth is, I do have an idea
for your podcast.
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It's about this court and our
empathetic approach to justice.
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And look who happens to be here.
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The dedicated heroes who make it happen.
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When I'm being ambushed,
I expect pastries.
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00:02:42,862 --> 00:02:45,865
Well, as an archaeologist,
I always have my fossil brush
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00:02:45,865 --> 00:02:48,618
and my pickaxe,
so I might as well stick around
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00:02:48,618 --> 00:02:50,453
and see what's under this pile of dirt.
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00:02:50,453 --> 00:02:51,704
Hear that, guys?
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00:02:51,704 --> 00:02:55,375
- We're gonna get brushed and picked.
- Hi. I'm Neil.
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00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:57,627
You know, I've thought about
doing a podcast myself.
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00:02:57,627 --> 00:02:59,837
It's called "The Neil World,"
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where I stop being polite
and start being Neil.
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00:03:03,550 --> 00:03:06,636
And what precisely is "being Neil"?
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00:03:06,636 --> 00:03:08,680
It's being polite
and constantly asking me
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00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,599
if he should get an earring.
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00:03:11,599 --> 00:03:13,685
Olivia Moore,
assistant district attorney.
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00:03:13,685 --> 00:03:15,061
You know, I think having me
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00:03:15,061 --> 00:03:17,313
on your podcast
could build both our brands.
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00:03:17,313 --> 00:03:18,606
- Is that right?
- Mm-hmm.
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00:03:18,606 --> 00:03:20,233
From the time I was a little girl,
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00:03:20,233 --> 00:03:21,651
I knew that a career in law
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00:03:21,651 --> 00:03:24,737
would fit me like a pair of MeUndies.
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They sure changed my life.
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00:03:26,322 --> 00:03:30,994
- Thanks, MeUndies.
- So, there's that.
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00:03:30,994 --> 00:03:33,788
Um, and then someone who would offer you
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00:03:33,788 --> 00:03:37,041
a shorter introduction. Dan Fielding.
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00:03:37,041 --> 00:03:38,376
- No.
- Ha-ha!
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That's my guy.
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00:03:40,003 --> 00:03:42,839
Dan actually used to be the
prosecutor at this very court,
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00:03:42,839 --> 00:03:44,132
and then he came out of retirement
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00:03:44,132 --> 00:03:45,592
to be our public defender.
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00:03:45,592 --> 00:03:48,678
Now, there's a journey
I'd like to excavate.
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00:03:48,678 --> 00:03:49,971
That's her tagline.
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00:03:49,971 --> 00:03:52,599
Hear that, Dan? You're tagline-worthy.
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00:03:52,599 --> 00:03:54,309
She want to dig a hole in a journey?
90
00:03:54,309 --> 00:03:56,519
The hell sense that make?
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00:03:56,519 --> 00:04:00,732
No offense, but podcasts for me
fall under the same category
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00:04:00,732 --> 00:04:03,818
as energy drinks, reality TV,
93
00:04:03,818 --> 00:04:08,156
and something called "Guy Fieri."
94
00:04:08,156 --> 00:04:11,868
- Why?
- Some people just don't like the idea
95
00:04:11,868 --> 00:04:13,953
of spending two uninterrupted hours
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00:04:13,953 --> 00:04:17,707
talking about themselves
to an audience of millions.
97
00:04:17,707 --> 00:04:20,960
Well, don't lump me in
with those idiots.
98
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:24,631
- I'd be happy to offer my services.
- Oh. Right.
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00:04:24,631 --> 00:04:26,799
So, you'd just use Dan
as, like, an appetizer
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00:04:26,799 --> 00:04:28,718
to get into the bigger
night court story?
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00:04:28,718 --> 00:04:30,637
Abby, the lady just ordered steak.
102
00:04:30,637 --> 00:04:33,723
Don't try to sell her a used Datsun.
103
00:04:33,723 --> 00:04:35,475
So, we're all just mixing metaphors now?
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00:04:35,475 --> 00:04:37,685
I mean, what are we even doing here?
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00:04:40,396 --> 00:04:45,193
Is Dan Fielding's rise
from humble beginnings
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00:04:45,193 --> 00:04:48,863
to the top of the bottom
of the judicial system
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00:04:48,863 --> 00:04:51,658
one of our generation's
most remarkable feats?
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00:04:51,658 --> 00:04:54,536
It is not for me to say.
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00:04:54,536 --> 00:04:57,163
But it is my pleasure to repeat.
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Perhaps we should just focus
on your transition
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00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:01,376
to public defender.
112
00:05:01,376 --> 00:05:02,585
We'll get to that.
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00:05:02,585 --> 00:05:05,421
It was William Jennings Bryan
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00:05:05,421 --> 00:05:08,633
who said that service is
a measure of a man's greatness.
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00:05:08,633 --> 00:05:11,761
I think that a man's greatness
is decided
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00:05:11,761 --> 00:05:13,638
by how many awards he gets.
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00:05:13,638 --> 00:05:18,434
And mine range from runner-up
in the city council election
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00:05:18,434 --> 00:05:20,353
all the way back to my eighth grade
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00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:22,272
state spelling bee championship
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00:05:22,272 --> 00:05:24,607
honorable mention.
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00:05:24,607 --> 00:05:28,611
- Actually, uh, can we talk about that?
- Yes, yes.
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00:05:28,611 --> 00:05:31,281
And therein began a lifelong disdain
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00:05:31,281 --> 00:05:34,033
- for the silent "G".
- No, no, no, no.
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00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:36,452
Uh, I'm talking about your run
for city council.
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00:05:36,452 --> 00:05:40,373
Now, according to my research,
you ran as an independent,
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00:05:40,373 --> 00:05:42,417
and your opponent was a "D"?
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00:05:42,417 --> 00:05:44,669
- For Democrat?
- D...
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00:05:44,669 --> 00:05:47,005
ceased.
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00:05:47,005 --> 00:05:50,717
Yes, I lost to a dead man.
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00:05:50,717 --> 00:05:53,720
But I was the highest
living vote-getter,
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00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,055
and I seriously believe I would have won
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00:05:56,055 --> 00:05:59,934
had I handed out 20s instead of 10s.
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00:05:59,934 --> 00:06:02,604
You were trying to buy people's votes?
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00:06:02,604 --> 00:06:04,772
You have to really understand the time.
135
00:06:04,772 --> 00:06:06,357
It was New York in the '80s.
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00:06:06,357 --> 00:06:09,319
It was very, very difficult
to get people out to vote.
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00:06:09,319 --> 00:06:13,406
There were...
There were other things to do.
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00:06:13,406 --> 00:06:15,366
Like cocaine.
139
00:06:17,869 --> 00:06:20,413
And Pac-Man had just come out,
140
00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:25,627
and that was the perfect surface
to do cocaine off of.
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00:06:25,627 --> 00:06:28,421
Still, sounds to me like a crime.
142
00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:29,631
Yeah, no, no.
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00:06:29,631 --> 00:06:32,217
You have to understand the context.
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00:06:32,217 --> 00:06:36,512
I'm listening.
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00:06:36,512 --> 00:06:37,722
Oh, no.
146
00:06:37,722 --> 00:06:40,683
Did I swallow a "g-nat"?
147
00:06:40,683 --> 00:06:44,604
Oh, also, did I... I'm
not Dan! No, no, no.
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00:06:44,604 --> 00:06:46,272
I'm his... I'm his brother, August.
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00:06:46,272 --> 00:06:48,149
I'll go get him. I'll just go get him.
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00:06:48,149 --> 00:06:51,653
Stay right there. Keep
rolling. It's okay.
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00:06:59,077 --> 00:07:00,453
Oh, Dan, good.
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00:07:00,453 --> 00:07:01,996
I need your opinion on something.
153
00:07:01,996 --> 00:07:03,248
I've been listening to my voice,
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00:07:03,248 --> 00:07:05,041
and is this really what I sound like?
155
00:07:05,041 --> 00:07:06,709
Four score and seven years ago,
156
00:07:06,709 --> 00:07:09,128
our forefathers brought forth
on this continent...
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00:07:09,128 --> 00:07:11,297
Right, I think you're
playing it at double the...
158
00:07:11,297 --> 00:07:14,342
No, that's exactly what
you sound like in my head.
159
00:07:14,342 --> 00:07:15,885
Why are you listening to yourself?
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00:07:15,885 --> 00:07:17,262
Well, after your interview,
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00:07:17,262 --> 00:07:18,846
Remecca reached out to me to do one.
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I'm so excited.
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00:07:21,057 --> 00:07:22,350
No, no. Listen to me.
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00:07:22,350 --> 00:07:23,643
You can't do the interview.
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00:07:23,643 --> 00:07:25,228
As a matter of fact, you have to bar
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00:07:25,228 --> 00:07:27,105
that podcast crew from the courthouse.
167
00:07:27,105 --> 00:07:28,439
Why would I do that?
168
00:07:28,439 --> 00:07:30,942
When I was listing
my many accomplishments,
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00:07:30,942 --> 00:07:36,322
I may have implicated myself
in just a smidge of malfeasance.
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00:07:36,322 --> 00:07:39,492
I started talking about cocaine a lot.
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00:07:39,492 --> 00:07:41,411
Now Remecca's out to take me down.
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00:07:41,411 --> 00:07:42,996
Maybe if you talked about the court
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00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:45,331
instead of being so selfish,
you wouldn't be in trouble.
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00:07:45,331 --> 00:07:47,083
But you need the whole world to know
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00:07:47,083 --> 00:07:49,127
about that spelling bee, don't you?
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00:07:49,127 --> 00:07:51,045
It's an origin story.
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00:07:51,045 --> 00:07:52,422
Well, I'm gonna go in there
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00:07:52,422 --> 00:07:54,090
and talk about the work
we're doing here,
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00:07:54,090 --> 00:07:57,302
and maybe it will inspire other
courts to follow our example.
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00:07:57,302 --> 00:08:00,054
I'm not gonna lose that chance
just because you biffed it.
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00:08:00,054 --> 00:08:01,973
I'm telling you, it's a trap.
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00:08:01,973 --> 00:08:05,768
She tricked me... Dan.
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00:08:05,768 --> 00:08:08,021
Dan!
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00:08:08,938 --> 00:08:10,940
You're not gonna change my mind.
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00:08:10,940 --> 00:08:12,358
Yeah, alright, fine, fine, yeah.
186
00:08:12,358 --> 00:08:14,027
But when it doesn't work,
just be ready to hear
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00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,446
the five words that everyone dreads...
188
00:08:16,446 --> 00:08:17,697
"I told you so."
189
00:08:17,697 --> 00:08:20,283
- That's four words.
- Well, I'm counting
190
00:08:20,283 --> 00:08:24,579
the raucous laughter before
I say it as a word.
191
00:08:24,579 --> 00:08:26,998
Matter of fact, I'm gonna
start practicing it now.
192
00:08:26,998 --> 00:08:29,000
Ha!
193
00:08:30,168 --> 00:08:33,046
Ha-wah-hah! I...
194
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:35,298
No, wait. Hee-hee!
195
00:08:36,507 --> 00:08:38,593
I cracked the case, and now I'll crack
196
00:08:38,593 --> 00:08:40,220
the most up-to-date point spreads,
197
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:41,638
with Offshore Bet Boys.
198
00:08:41,638 --> 00:08:44,682
It's not gambling
when they're stone-cold locks.
199
00:08:47,518 --> 00:08:49,896
I've never seen someone
so thirsty to get on a podcast.
200
00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:52,690
And I have several friends
whose spouses went missing
201
00:08:52,690 --> 00:08:55,026
after joining a cult.
202
00:08:55,026 --> 00:08:57,237
It's all part of my media strategy.
203
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,405
First step, podcasts.
204
00:08:59,405 --> 00:09:02,200
Second step, TikTok legal influencer.
205
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,869
Third step, Whoopi yells
at the wrong Uber driver,
206
00:09:04,869 --> 00:09:08,581
and bingo, mama's
batting cleanup on "The View."
207
00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:11,000
But I can't get Remecca
to even look at me.
208
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,335
- I feel like Neil.
- Hey!
209
00:09:12,335 --> 00:09:15,171
- Whoa!
- Don't sneak up on people!
210
00:09:15,171 --> 00:09:17,257
I've been trying to get
Remecca's attention, too.
211
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:20,176
The problem is she is all-in on Dan.
212
00:09:20,176 --> 00:09:21,886
Don't take this the wrong way,
213
00:09:21,886 --> 00:09:23,429
but you all are boring.
214
00:09:23,429 --> 00:09:25,515
You need to sell the drama.
215
00:09:25,515 --> 00:09:27,225
May I suggest...
216
00:09:27,225 --> 00:09:29,561
a forbidden office romance?
217
00:09:29,561 --> 00:09:30,770
With me and him?
218
00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:32,480
No.
219
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:36,943
Look, podcasts are for lonely
people who don't like music.
220
00:09:36,943 --> 00:09:39,362
But you know what lonely people do like?
221
00:09:39,362 --> 00:09:41,364
I feel like I should know this.
222
00:09:41,364 --> 00:09:43,992
Murder and romance,
and since you've made it clear
223
00:09:43,992 --> 00:09:46,411
on multiple occasions
that you're a stick in the mud
224
00:09:46,411 --> 00:09:50,206
when it comes to murder, I'd go with...
225
00:09:50,206 --> 00:09:52,750
secret work love!
226
00:09:52,750 --> 00:09:54,127
Did you see that?
227
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,670
That's the first time
she's looked at me.
228
00:09:55,670 --> 00:09:58,089
That's it.
Neil, we're in a relationship.
229
00:09:58,089 --> 00:09:59,465
"Pretty Woman" rules.
230
00:09:59,465 --> 00:10:01,342
No kissing, and it'll be
mostly me hanging out
231
00:10:01,342 --> 00:10:03,344
with Hector Elizondo.
232
00:10:07,098 --> 00:10:10,101
That is very funny.
233
00:10:10,101 --> 00:10:12,854
I am laughing.
234
00:10:12,854 --> 00:10:15,565
And please, let Donatello know
that I will be bringing
235
00:10:15,565 --> 00:10:18,610
the haricots verts
to Sunday's dish-to-pass.
236
00:10:18,610 --> 00:10:21,571
- Ah!
- You're from Skaneateles, aren't you?
237
00:10:21,571 --> 00:10:23,156
- How did you...
- That's where I'm from.
238
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:25,074
It's the only place
I've ever heard it called
239
00:10:25,074 --> 00:10:26,409
a "dish-to-pass."
240
00:10:26,409 --> 00:10:29,245
Everywhere else, they call it a potluck.
241
00:10:29,245 --> 00:10:31,372
I mean, like a damn leprechaun
242
00:10:31,372 --> 00:10:33,583
supremed all those oranges
for that citrus salad?
243
00:10:33,583 --> 00:10:36,336
"Luck," my butt.
244
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:38,755
- So, shall we start?
- Sure, sure.
245
00:10:38,755 --> 00:10:40,006
Hi. I'm Abby.
246
00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:41,674
- Would you like to take a seat?
- No, no, no, no.
247
00:10:41,674 --> 00:10:43,843
Just pretend like he's not even there.
248
00:10:43,843 --> 00:10:47,263
This is just a conversation.
249
00:10:47,263 --> 00:10:50,099
Why don't we begin with,
how have you found
250
00:10:50,099 --> 00:10:51,935
working with Dan Fielding?
251
00:10:51,935 --> 00:10:54,687
I have no regrets about
bringing Dan to this court.
252
00:10:54,687 --> 00:10:57,273
My father always said there was
no one he respected more,
253
00:10:57,273 --> 00:10:58,983
and you know, I feel like we're missing
254
00:10:58,983 --> 00:11:01,611
- a bigger story here...
- So, y... you found Mr. Fielding
255
00:11:01,611 --> 00:11:03,988
through a good ol' boy network?
256
00:11:03,988 --> 00:11:05,531
There's more to it than that.
257
00:11:05,531 --> 00:11:07,534
Because it sounds like
you manipulated the system
258
00:11:07,534 --> 00:11:09,953
to help out one
of your father's old buddies.
259
00:11:09,953 --> 00:11:14,207
Are these chairs getting smaller?
260
00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:16,376
It is hot out in here.
261
00:11:18,795 --> 00:11:20,213
Gah!
262
00:11:29,264 --> 00:11:30,807
- What's this?
- It's everything you need
263
00:11:30,807 --> 00:11:32,976
to know about our fake relationship.
264
00:11:32,976 --> 00:11:34,602
What? If we're gonna make this work,
265
00:11:34,602 --> 00:11:37,522
we need to make it seem
as real as possible.
266
00:11:37,522 --> 00:11:39,899
Good thinking, babe.
267
00:11:39,899 --> 00:11:41,734
You will immediately see
on page one that
268
00:11:41,734 --> 00:11:43,111
we are not a "babe" couple.
269
00:11:43,111 --> 00:11:46,322
You'll find approved nicknames
on page three.
270
00:11:46,322 --> 00:11:48,783
These are just our names.
271
00:11:48,783 --> 00:11:51,786
Yeah. I came up with those.
272
00:11:51,786 --> 00:11:54,664
Feel free to add
whatever your last name is.
273
00:11:57,667 --> 00:11:59,961
Alright, well,
there's a lot in here covering
274
00:11:59,961 --> 00:12:03,798
how I'm supposed to feel about
everyone on "Vanderpump Rules,"
275
00:12:03,798 --> 00:12:05,758
but nothing about
where we are emotionally.
276
00:12:05,758 --> 00:12:07,260
Like, how serious are we?
277
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:09,470
Where is this relationship going?
278
00:12:09,470 --> 00:12:11,723
Where is this coming from?
279
00:12:11,723 --> 00:12:13,975
Well, if I'm gonna be
your fake boyfriend...
280
00:12:13,975 --> 00:12:16,769
Boyfriend? Whoa! Okay.
281
00:12:16,769 --> 00:12:18,855
Save those labels
for the runway, mister.
282
00:12:18,855 --> 00:12:20,064
Ha!
283
00:12:20,064 --> 00:12:22,984
Next, you're gonna tell me
you're pregnant.
284
00:12:22,984 --> 00:12:25,695
Guess what?
You are raising that baby alone.
285
00:12:28,656 --> 00:12:30,408
Dan, I messed up. I messed up bad.
286
00:12:30,408 --> 00:12:33,661
The interview backfired.
I sorta let it slip
287
00:12:33,661 --> 00:12:36,497
that I may have shortcut
a few rules when I hired you,
288
00:12:36,497 --> 00:12:38,208
and now Remecca wants
to take me down, too.
289
00:12:38,208 --> 00:12:39,542
What happened?
290
00:12:39,542 --> 00:12:40,835
You mess things up
with the podcast lady?
291
00:12:40,835 --> 00:12:42,545
- Yeah.
- How bad is it?
292
00:12:42,545 --> 00:12:44,923
Well, I pulled out an,
"It was a different time."
293
00:12:44,923 --> 00:12:46,799
Okay.
294
00:12:46,799 --> 00:12:49,928
- So, we're in some trouble.
- Why is that bad?
295
00:12:49,928 --> 00:12:52,722
Three phrases you don't use
in problematic situations...
296
00:12:52,722 --> 00:12:54,307
"It was a different time."
297
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:55,850
"I meant it as a joke".
298
00:12:55,850 --> 00:12:58,353
And "I know it's not okay
to say, but..."
299
00:12:58,353 --> 00:13:00,188
Just don't say it!
300
00:13:00,188 --> 00:13:03,900
I can't believe they don't teach
that in white people school.
301
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:06,361
To be fair, there's not
really an official white...
302
00:13:06,361 --> 00:13:08,029
Dartmouth.
303
00:13:10,198 --> 00:13:12,575
Okay, look, I'm just
gonna talk to Remecca.
304
00:13:12,575 --> 00:13:14,077
I mean, I'm sure if I just
sit down with her,
305
00:13:14,077 --> 00:13:16,204
one Skaneatelan to another,
we can sort this out.
306
00:13:16,204 --> 00:13:18,540
I mean, we grew up playing
in the same parks.
307
00:13:18,540 --> 00:13:19,874
I'm sure she even has a theory
308
00:13:19,874 --> 00:13:22,043
on what happened to Billy Muggins.
309
00:13:23,753 --> 00:13:26,965
You know, maybe Abby can convince her.
310
00:13:26,965 --> 00:13:28,716
Yeah, no, no. I got a better idea.
311
00:13:28,716 --> 00:13:31,135
I got three better ideas.
312
00:13:31,135 --> 00:13:33,638
It can't involve wigs.
313
00:13:33,638 --> 00:13:37,016
- Okay, we'll go with yours.
- Come on.
314
00:13:41,437 --> 00:13:42,897
Wow.
315
00:13:42,897 --> 00:13:45,233
Well, I just hope this thing
is still down here.
316
00:13:45,233 --> 00:13:48,570
And listen, remember, Abby
cannot know what we're doing.
317
00:13:48,570 --> 00:13:50,738
She needs plausible deniability.
318
00:13:50,738 --> 00:13:52,824
I get it. Everybody needs a cover story.
319
00:13:52,824 --> 00:13:55,451
That's why I keep
a cardboard cutout of me waving
320
00:13:55,451 --> 00:13:57,912
in that bowling alley bathroom.
321
00:13:57,912 --> 00:13:59,581
"Where was Gurgs the night in question?"
322
00:13:59,581 --> 00:14:03,167
"She was in that bowling alley
bathroom being super friendly."
323
00:14:08,423 --> 00:14:10,174
Oh, you know what? I think...
324
00:14:12,343 --> 00:14:15,597
Uh-huh. Yeah! This is it!
325
00:14:15,597 --> 00:14:17,765
I don't get it.
How is some old metal detector
326
00:14:17,765 --> 00:14:19,767
gonna solve things
with the podcast lady?
327
00:14:19,767 --> 00:14:22,687
This is not just
some old metal detector.
328
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:25,815
We called it "Meg Ryan,"
'cause prolonged exposure
329
00:14:25,815 --> 00:14:28,776
was known to melt people's hearts.
330
00:14:28,776 --> 00:14:31,112
More importantly for us, though,
the magnets in this thing...
331
00:14:31,112 --> 00:14:33,489
they'll fry any electrical
equipment it comes near.
332
00:14:33,489 --> 00:14:35,617
It'll just erase everything.
333
00:14:35,617 --> 00:14:37,493
Brilliant, huh?
334
00:14:39,329 --> 00:14:41,247
This is where I keep my spare.
335
00:14:47,128 --> 00:14:50,048
Alright, I am all set
for my chat with Remecca.
336
00:14:50,048 --> 00:14:52,884
I imported loganberry pop,
some white hots,
337
00:14:52,884 --> 00:14:55,637
all of the finest
Skaneateles delicacies.
338
00:14:55,637 --> 00:14:57,639
White hot dogs?
339
00:14:59,682 --> 00:15:03,102
"Delicacy" may not be the right word.
340
00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:06,731
"Food" may not be the right word.
341
00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:09,234
What is that, and why
is it making my teeth hurt?
342
00:15:09,234 --> 00:15:11,319
Oh, just some extra security.
343
00:15:11,319 --> 00:15:13,655
I know upstate you just throw
some tacks on the floor,
344
00:15:13,655 --> 00:15:17,784
but here in the big city, we wear shoes.
345
00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:19,494
Is that warning in Russian?
346
00:15:19,494 --> 00:15:21,746
- Oh, no...
- Nyet!
347
00:15:21,746 --> 00:15:23,081
I knew something was weird.
348
00:15:23,081 --> 00:15:24,999
- What is going on?
- It was Dan's idea.
349
00:15:24,999 --> 00:15:28,294
I was in the bowling alley bathroom.
350
00:15:28,294 --> 00:15:30,880
Alright, look, the only way
to fix this is to get her
351
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:32,882
to walk through that machine
352
00:15:32,882 --> 00:15:35,134
and erase everything that she has on us.
353
00:15:35,134 --> 00:15:36,803
There's no way that thing is safe.
354
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:38,179
It is definitely safe.
355
00:15:38,179 --> 00:15:41,182
And I remind you, I am not under oath.
356
00:15:41,182 --> 00:15:42,517
Why are you so annoyed?
357
00:15:42,517 --> 00:15:44,185
All I asked is if you were mad at me.
358
00:15:44,185 --> 00:15:46,896
Oh, you prob... Mm.
359
00:15:46,896 --> 00:15:49,524
Neil, sometimes my mood
has nothing to do with you.
360
00:15:49,524 --> 00:15:50,942
Oh, you were driving me so crazy,
361
00:15:50,942 --> 00:15:52,902
I left my bag in the cafeteria.
362
00:15:52,902 --> 00:15:54,654
Actually, I have your bag right here,
363
00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:56,864
because I think about you.
364
00:15:56,864 --> 00:15:58,992
Oh, my hero.
365
00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:00,869
I'd be so lost without you.
366
00:16:00,869 --> 00:16:03,204
Oh, there it is. Your sarcasm.
367
00:16:03,204 --> 00:16:05,331
The third wheel in this relationship.
368
00:16:05,331 --> 00:16:06,708
Ha! Hate to break it to you,
369
00:16:06,708 --> 00:16:08,835
but you're the third wheel, babe!
370
00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:11,838
Oh, so I guess we are a "babe" couple.
371
00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:13,381
We are not a couple, Neil!
372
00:16:13,381 --> 00:16:18,011
For the love of God,
don't stand right there!
373
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:19,220
We are through.
374
00:16:19,220 --> 00:16:20,471
I am done being fenced in
375
00:16:20,471 --> 00:16:22,223
like your... your love veal.
376
00:16:22,223 --> 00:16:23,933
I am free-range, buster!
377
00:16:23,933 --> 00:16:27,061
Why is my iced coffee so hot?
378
00:16:27,061 --> 00:16:30,064
Wait!
379
00:16:30,064 --> 00:16:32,483
- What was that about?
- I don't know.
380
00:16:32,483 --> 00:16:33,735
But we have to keep them calm.
381
00:16:33,735 --> 00:16:36,070
They're Hulks now.
382
00:16:36,070 --> 00:16:37,864
Wait. Whoa, no.
Wait, where are you going?
383
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:39,741
You can't go. We need you as bait.
384
00:16:39,741 --> 00:16:41,534
No, bait... Wrong word. Bad word.
385
00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:43,411
Not bait, but...
386
00:16:43,411 --> 00:16:45,163
No, bait's the right word.
387
00:16:45,163 --> 00:16:47,248
I wanted to kill Remecca with kindness,
388
00:16:47,248 --> 00:16:49,751
not Cold War radiation.
389
00:16:49,751 --> 00:16:52,003
My Uncle Ray-Ray was killed
with kindness.
390
00:16:52,003 --> 00:16:54,172
It's a rough way to go.
391
00:16:55,757 --> 00:16:58,259
- What...?
- Oh, don't mind me.
392
00:16:58,259 --> 00:17:00,803
Go back to your plan
to stifle free speech.
393
00:17:00,803 --> 00:17:02,597
A plan that would have worked better...
394
00:17:02,597 --> 00:17:04,807
in a room with one door.
395
00:17:04,807 --> 00:17:06,768
Okay, Remecca, I know this looks bad.
396
00:17:06,768 --> 00:17:10,730
Your podcast is about inspiring
people, and if you tear us down,
397
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:12,482
I really think you're gonna regret this.
398
00:17:12,482 --> 00:17:14,901
I regret nothing.
399
00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:17,445
- I'm sorry?
- They don't call it pod-friends.
400
00:17:17,445 --> 00:17:19,614
They call it pod-business.
401
00:17:19,614 --> 00:17:21,491
Do they call it either?
402
00:17:21,491 --> 00:17:24,327
Hey, Remecca...
403
00:17:24,327 --> 00:17:27,455
one very important thing
you're missing for this episode.
404
00:17:27,455 --> 00:17:29,999
A tell-all interview.
405
00:17:29,999 --> 00:17:33,962
I'll come clean about
everything, under one condition.
406
00:17:33,962 --> 00:17:36,172
You leave Abby out of it.
407
00:17:36,172 --> 00:17:38,800
And you get us all giant mattresses
408
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,803
that somehow come in tiny boxes.
409
00:17:44,389 --> 00:17:46,266
You have a deal.
410
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:47,433
And so do you.
411
00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:49,686
But FYI, you can't put it
back in the box
412
00:17:49,686 --> 00:17:51,229
and watch it unfold again.
413
00:17:51,229 --> 00:17:55,316
You can try, but it will
only end in madness.
414
00:17:59,195 --> 00:18:01,781
Dan, I can't let you do that.
415
00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:03,032
You would lose your job.
416
00:18:03,032 --> 00:18:04,784
You know, when I made that offer,
417
00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:07,495
I... I didn't see a bright side.
418
00:18:07,495 --> 00:18:09,831
Thank you for finding it.
419
00:18:16,170 --> 00:18:18,089
Hey, I've been texting you.
420
00:18:18,089 --> 00:18:19,674
Yeah, it's weird...
my phone isn't working.
421
00:18:19,674 --> 00:18:21,009
All my credit cards are erased,
422
00:18:21,009 --> 00:18:23,344
and when I pick up spoons,
they do this now.
423
00:18:26,097 --> 00:18:29,142
So, we don't really make
the best fake couple, huh?
424
00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:30,977
Scary thing is, this was actually one of
425
00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:33,313
my healthier relationships.
426
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:35,773
I might have some
real commitment issues.
427
00:18:35,773 --> 00:18:38,484
You know, I have been watching
the two of you,
428
00:18:38,484 --> 00:18:41,571
and you're an absolute trainwreck.
429
00:18:41,571 --> 00:18:45,033
You would be perfect
for my new dating podcast,
430
00:18:45,033 --> 00:18:46,659
"Absolute Trainwreck."
431
00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:48,203
Actually, we're not...
432
00:18:48,203 --> 00:18:52,123
Gonna pass up on an opportunity
like this, right, babe?
433
00:18:52,123 --> 00:18:54,334
But there's one condition.
434
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:57,337
- You can't run that story on Dan.
- No.
435
00:18:57,337 --> 00:19:00,298
Eh, guess we're not all gonna be heroes.
436
00:19:01,966 --> 00:19:06,387
Well, I guess that episode
of the podcast will be on soon.
437
00:19:06,387 --> 00:19:10,016
The end of the illustrious
career of Dan Fielding.
438
00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:11,517
We still have time to fix this.
439
00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:15,355
We just have to break
the Internet, in one minute.
440
00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:18,066
Does this muffin
look anything like Jesus?
441
00:19:19,275 --> 00:19:20,693
Remecca was canceled!
442
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:22,028
She lost all her sponsors,
443
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,529
and her platforms dropped the podcast.
444
00:19:23,529 --> 00:19:26,241
- What? What happened?
- Someone excavated her
445
00:19:26,241 --> 00:19:29,369
and found out she used to be
a crazy sketchy shock jock
446
00:19:29,369 --> 00:19:32,455
on a radio station upstate.
447
00:19:32,455 --> 00:19:35,291
This is Becky Molson for Reject Radio,
448
00:19:35,291 --> 00:19:38,211
and I regret nothing.
449
00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:40,213
It's Whirl 'Em Out Wednesday, boys,
450
00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:44,425
so unwrap your package
and whirl those balls!
451
00:19:45,969 --> 00:19:47,428
Ooh!
452
00:19:47,428 --> 00:19:51,182
That's one for the Stank Bank.
453
00:19:52,767 --> 00:19:56,062
You forget how much culture
there is outside of the cities.
454
00:19:57,814 --> 00:20:00,358
- I guess it got out.
- You knew?
455
00:20:00,358 --> 00:20:03,278
When Remecca said, "I regret nothing,"
456
00:20:03,278 --> 00:20:05,572
I thought it sounded familiar,
so I did some digging,
457
00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:08,825
and turns out, she also has
a past that she's not proud of.
458
00:20:08,825 --> 00:20:11,953
I thought I could use it to
convince her to go easy on Dan,
459
00:20:11,953 --> 00:20:14,038
but she laughed me out of the room.
460
00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:17,625
Well, someone must have leaked it.
461
00:20:17,625 --> 00:20:22,672
- I did.
- Who are you?
462
00:20:22,672 --> 00:20:25,633
Recognize me... now?
463
00:20:26,968 --> 00:20:28,344
The microphone guy.
464
00:20:28,344 --> 00:20:30,096
So, you took Remecca down?
465
00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:33,016
Well, I was tired
of living in her shadow.
466
00:20:33,016 --> 00:20:35,935
Sitting at home, night after night,
467
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:39,105
removing her weird mouth sounds.
468
00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:43,610
But you, Judge Stone,
you made me feel...
469
00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:45,403
heard.
470
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:51,201
- What did you do?
- I don't know.
471
00:20:51,201 --> 00:20:54,954
I... I asked him if he wanted
to sit down once.
472
00:20:54,954 --> 00:20:56,456
The nerve of that guy.
473
00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:58,458
You know, I... I took a bullet for you.
474
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:00,335
The only reason to help your fellow man
475
00:21:00,335 --> 00:21:01,920
is to have them in your debt.
476
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:06,799
- That is a currency that never tanks.
- Well, too bad.
477
00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:09,802
You're not getting out of here
that easy.
478
00:21:09,802 --> 00:21:14,474
One of these days, I'm gonna
work up the courage to hug you.
479
00:21:14,474 --> 00:21:16,809
Folks, I just got back from France,
480
00:21:16,809 --> 00:21:20,313
where I had "fart blanche."
481
00:21:23,191 --> 00:21:25,109
You know, I'll be the first to say it...
482
00:21:25,109 --> 00:21:28,238
She pretty good.
483
00:21:28,239 --> 00:21:30,239
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