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Hands up where I can see 'em!
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♪
3
00:00:04,341 --> 00:00:05,926
Good gravy, it's Harriet Tubman!
4
00:00:05,926 --> 00:00:07,927
The inventor of the... tub?
5
00:00:07,927 --> 00:00:10,472
How did these dumb asses enslave us?
6
00:00:10,472 --> 00:00:12,015
♪
7
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Roll it!
8
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- I'm Kublai Khan.
- Amelia Earhart.
9
00:00:16,145 --> 00:00:17,229
The Romanovs!
10
00:00:17,229 --> 00:00:18,730
SIGMUND FREUD: I am Sigmund Freud.
11
00:00:18,730 --> 00:00:20,649
Join me for my Masturbate.
12
00:00:20,858 --> 00:00:22,651
Masterclass. What?
13
00:00:24,194 --> 00:00:26,071
- Who are you?
- Some call me Jesus Christ, son of God.
14
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Some call him broke and corny.
15
00:00:27,614 --> 00:00:29,825
♪
16
00:00:29,825 --> 00:00:30,825
Oh, hello!
17
00:00:33,036 --> 00:00:34,413
Okay, that's actually crazy.
18
00:00:37,207 --> 00:00:38,584
- Mwah!
- [CHEERING]
19
00:00:40,836 --> 00:00:43,422
Noah, you were supposed
to get two of every animal.
20
00:00:43,422 --> 00:00:45,132
I got two Chihuahuas. Two pugs.
21
00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:47,301
I got three pugs. Don't tell God.
22
00:00:47,301 --> 00:00:50,220
♪
23
00:00:53,515 --> 00:00:57,478
MEL BROOKS: Hello.
I'm American treasure Mel Brooks.
24
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To some of you, I'm a hero.
25
00:00:59,855 --> 00:01:02,608
To others, merely a legend.
26
00:01:02,608 --> 00:01:05,152
Over 40 years ago, I wrote and directed
27
00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:07,404
History of the World, Part I,
28
00:01:07,404 --> 00:01:09,490
a sketch comedy movie that showed
29
00:01:09,490 --> 00:01:11,533
the real side of history.
30
00:01:11,533 --> 00:01:14,745
I also starred in it. Maybe a mistake.
31
00:01:14,745 --> 00:01:17,790
So when I was approached
by somebody named Hulu
32
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to make a sequel, I had two conditions.
33
00:01:20,584 --> 00:01:22,753
One, they had to make me look
34
00:01:22,753 --> 00:01:26,048
exactly how I did in 1981.
35
00:01:26,048 --> 00:01:29,176
And here I am. Exactly
what I looked like.
36
00:01:29,927 --> 00:01:31,595
Who knew there were muscles here?
37
00:01:31,595 --> 00:01:35,891
Anyway, my other stipulation
was all original material.
38
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Nothing from Part I, no repeats.
39
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So, without further ado,
40
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I present to you...
41
00:01:42,773 --> 00:01:45,734
History of the World, Part II!
42
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Hey, guys! Look at me! I'm swole.
43
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[TRIUMPHANT BRASS MUSIC]
44
00:01:54,868 --> 00:01:57,871
History of the World, Part II!
45
00:02:03,794 --> 00:02:05,796
[THEME ENDS]
46
00:02:05,796 --> 00:02:07,339
The Civil War.
47
00:02:07,339 --> 00:02:09,258
♪
48
00:02:09,258 --> 00:02:10,926
[DISTANT CANNON FIRE]
49
00:02:10,926 --> 00:02:13,720
The Civil War was in its final days.
50
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:16,682
We're talking about
the one in the 1860s,
51
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not the one coming up in 2024.
52
00:02:19,309 --> 00:02:20,644
[CANNON BLAST]
53
00:02:20,644 --> 00:02:25,315
The South was on its last legs
as the Union Army closed in,
54
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and at the head of that army was
the lushly bearded Ulysses S. Grant.
55
00:02:32,072 --> 00:02:34,116
Who was also a bit of a lush.
56
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- General Grant.
- [CHUCKLING] Hi, Pam, how are ya?
57
00:02:36,660 --> 00:02:38,036
Big win out there.
58
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- What is going through your mind right now?
- [SIGHS]
59
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,666
Well, we lost 4,000 men
out there. They're dead.
60
00:02:42,666 --> 00:02:45,502
But we did kill 6,000 of their guys,
61
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but a lot of their guys
were related to our guys,
62
00:02:47,171 --> 00:02:48,797
so it's a lot of mixed
emotions right now, Pam.
63
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They say the war is almost over.
64
00:02:50,799 --> 00:02:53,761
If the North wins, will
you go to Disneyland?
65
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Well, that depends, do they
have a bar? [LAUGHS] JK.
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I'll hang you both if
you dump that on me.
67
00:02:59,099 --> 00:03:01,143
Great to see you, Pam. Take care.
68
00:03:01,143 --> 00:03:03,645
SOLDIER 1: Please don't take
my arm, sir. I'm a drummer.
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Can I get a dull saw?
70
00:03:05,189 --> 00:03:06,565
SOLDIER 2: Tell me, Doc, will it hurt?
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00:03:06,565 --> 00:03:08,734
- DOCTOR: When we amputate your head? Yeah.
- [SLOW FIDDLE PLAYING]
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SOLDIER 3: Play Devil
Went Down to Georgia!
73
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- SOLDIER 4: We don't have the rights!
- SOLDIER 3: Just do a sound alike!
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[LIVELY FIDDLING]
75
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Hold on, everyone. Daddy's comin'.
76
00:03:18,911 --> 00:03:20,788
Daddy's home. Come to Papa.
77
00:03:21,663 --> 00:03:24,291
- SOLDIER 5: Sir!
- [SPITS] What is it?!
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00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:27,044
President Lincoln is
in your quarters, sir!
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- I know! Dismissed.
- [DISTANT EXPLOSION]
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[SIGHS]
81
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Fuck!
82
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[GENTLE MUSIC]
83
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[FIRE CRACKLING]
84
00:03:38,972 --> 00:03:40,474
[STATIC]
85
00:03:41,809 --> 00:03:45,187
- Mr. President.
- Oh, there he is!
86
00:03:45,187 --> 00:03:47,397
H... h-hey... Oh! [CLANG]
87
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Stephen Douglas' dick hole!
88
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- [GROANS]
- Are you okay, sir?
89
00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:52,569
Yes, I'm fine.
90
00:03:52,569 --> 00:03:54,988
- Have a seat, Ulysses, have a seat.
- All right.
91
00:03:54,988 --> 00:03:56,990
- [SIGHS] Oh.
- [HORSE WHINNIES OUTSIDE]
92
00:03:56,990 --> 00:03:58,450
Mr. President, you look exhausted.
93
00:03:58,450 --> 00:04:00,786
This war has taken a toll on you, sir.
94
00:04:00,786 --> 00:04:03,288
It's not the war. It's my height.
95
00:04:03,288 --> 00:04:04,581
I mean, look at me!
96
00:04:04,581 --> 00:04:06,375
They don't make things
for a big boy like me!
97
00:04:06,375 --> 00:04:07,668
I mean... [GRUNTS]
98
00:04:07,668 --> 00:04:09,336
Look at these pants, Ulysses.
99
00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:12,256
Look at that! They're basically capris.
100
00:04:12,256 --> 00:04:14,800
I'm a big boy! I need big boy pants!
101
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,510
I will say they look kind of fun,
102
00:04:16,510 --> 00:04:18,637
somethin' you could wear
at a summer party, maybe.
103
00:04:18,637 --> 00:04:19,638
Look, anyways.
104
00:04:20,848 --> 00:04:22,766
I have heard some grumblings
105
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and that your imbibing has
gotten a bit out of control.
106
00:04:25,853 --> 00:04:27,896
- My imbibing? Who told you that?
- Mm-hmm.
107
00:04:27,896 --> 00:04:30,524
Was it Sheridan? Because
he's addicted to laudanum.
108
00:04:30,524 --> 00:04:32,317
Look, I don't drink a lot, you know?
109
00:04:32,317 --> 00:04:34,278
Like, maybe, like, a little bit,
like, on a holiday or some...
110
00:04:34,278 --> 00:04:35,821
[FLASK CLANKING]
111
00:04:38,073 --> 00:04:39,074
[SIGHS]
112
00:04:39,783 --> 00:04:43,537
I believe today is what the
Hebrews call Pesach, sir.
113
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No more alcohol until the war is over!
114
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Do you understand me, Ulysses?
115
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[ROARS]
116
00:04:51,253 --> 00:04:52,588
[SPITS, SIGHS]
117
00:04:52,588 --> 00:04:54,757
Yeah, sure, fine. I don't
need a drink. [CLATTERS]
118
00:04:55,174 --> 00:04:56,175
- [SIGHS]
- Good.
119
00:04:56,175 --> 00:04:58,552
All right, there is one more thing
that I need to talk to you about.
120
00:04:58,552 --> 00:04:59,887
It's about my son, Robert Todd.
121
00:04:59,887 --> 00:05:01,096
Your son.
122
00:05:01,096 --> 00:05:04,391
He has been begging me to
enlist, and now that the war
123
00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:07,811
is nearly over, I feel like
this is the perfect time to just...
124
00:05:07,811 --> 00:05:09,730
- get him in there.
- Once all the regular fighters have...
125
00:05:09,730 --> 00:05:11,273
- Yes, yes, abs...
- ... given their lives
126
00:05:11,273 --> 00:05:12,660
and bled and lost their legs,
127
00:05:12,661 --> 00:05:13,942
now you wanna sneak in
your little Harvard boy
128
00:05:13,942 --> 00:05:15,068
for a couple days on the course.
129
00:05:15,068 --> 00:05:16,361
Yes! No, you understand!
130
00:05:16,361 --> 00:05:18,655
- Gotcha, gotcha, okay.
- Absolutely. He's a good boy.
131
00:05:18,655 --> 00:05:20,073
You know, I want you to look after him.
132
00:05:20,073 --> 00:05:22,451
Mr. President, I want you to know,
133
00:05:22,451 --> 00:05:23,702
I won't let the boy out of my sight.
134
00:05:23,827 --> 00:05:25,537
- Oh, good, good, good. Robert Todd!
- [GLASS SHATTERING]
135
00:05:25,537 --> 00:05:27,831
- Oh, Jesus! Good lord!
- Goddammit!
136
00:05:27,831 --> 00:05:29,625
I have legs for arms!
137
00:05:30,209 --> 00:05:31,502
That was a gift from my wife. [CLANG]
138
00:05:31,502 --> 00:05:33,003
Ow! Goddammit!
139
00:05:33,003 --> 00:05:34,254
RT!
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00:05:34,254 --> 00:05:36,006
♪
141
00:05:36,006 --> 00:05:37,341
General Grant, sir!
142
00:05:37,341 --> 00:05:38,467
It is an honor, sir!
143
00:05:38,467 --> 00:05:41,470
I have been a huge fan my entire life!
144
00:05:41,470 --> 00:05:44,598
- And how long is that, young man?
- One score and two years.
145
00:05:44,598 --> 00:05:46,809
That means 22 in our secret language.
146
00:05:46,809 --> 00:05:48,519
- Come on over here! Come over here.
- Right.
147
00:05:48,519 --> 00:05:51,146
There's my big, strong boy. Watch this.
148
00:05:51,146 --> 00:05:52,564
I trained him well. Look at this.
149
00:05:53,315 --> 00:05:54,817
What do I have? You've trained for this.
150
00:05:54,817 --> 00:05:55,943
- What do I have?
- My nose.
151
00:05:55,943 --> 00:05:58,320
Yes! Can you get it?
Can you reattach it?
152
00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:00,197
[HORSE WHINNYING]
153
00:06:00,197 --> 00:06:02,574
First try. Good job, son.
154
00:06:02,574 --> 00:06:03,659
Seems like a great kid.
155
00:06:03,659 --> 00:06:05,661
He's in good hands, Mr. President.
156
00:06:05,661 --> 00:06:07,663
All right. [SIGHS]
157
00:06:07,663 --> 00:06:10,124
[SOMBER MUSIC]
158
00:06:10,124 --> 00:06:12,626
The Union state is in
your hands, Ulysses.
159
00:06:13,919 --> 00:06:14,920
End this war.
160
00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:16,422
Yes, Mr. President.
161
00:06:16,422 --> 00:06:17,965
- [PATS SHOULDER]
- [HORSE WHINNYING]
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00:06:18,715 --> 00:06:22,845
And I have every soldier in
the entire state of Virginia
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00:06:22,845 --> 00:06:26,265
on orders to deny you
alcohol. Is that understood?
164
00:06:26,765 --> 00:06:28,142
[BOTH GROWL]
165
00:06:28,142 --> 00:06:30,060
- Yes, sir.
- Good.
166
00:06:30,936 --> 00:06:33,230
[SMACK] Goddammit!
167
00:06:33,230 --> 00:06:34,940
That is gonna be the worst thing
168
00:06:34,940 --> 00:06:37,443
that's gonna happen to my head all year.
169
00:06:38,235 --> 00:06:40,529
- Thanks for comin' by, sir.
- Good to see you.
170
00:06:40,529 --> 00:06:42,322
♪
171
00:06:42,322 --> 00:06:43,782
General Grant, sir.
172
00:06:43,782 --> 00:06:46,326
Would you do me the honor of regaling me
173
00:06:46,326 --> 00:06:48,495
with your most horrifying war stories?
174
00:06:48,495 --> 00:06:52,166
I mean, I really wanna know what
it's like to see the-the light
175
00:06:52,166 --> 00:06:54,293
drain out of a man's
eye by your own hand.
176
00:06:54,293 --> 00:06:55,502
[CLICK] General, no!
177
00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:57,087
Ah! Damn it!
178
00:06:57,087 --> 00:06:59,173
Who drank all my gun whiskey?!
179
00:06:59,173 --> 00:07:01,717
[ANGRY GROWL] Okay.
180
00:07:01,717 --> 00:07:03,385
Think, Ulysses, think.
181
00:07:03,385 --> 00:07:04,762
♪
182
00:07:04,762 --> 00:07:06,388
I have decided
183
00:07:06,388 --> 00:07:08,849
that you are ready to
join me on a top-secret mission,
184
00:07:08,849 --> 00:07:10,392
but I'm warning you right now.
185
00:07:10,392 --> 00:07:12,352
It's gonna be very, very whiskey.
186
00:07:12,352 --> 00:07:14,313
Risky. Are you in?
187
00:07:14,313 --> 00:07:16,398
I will follow you to
the gates of Hell, sir.
188
00:07:16,398 --> 00:07:18,650
It's worse than that, son.
189
00:07:18,650 --> 00:07:19,902
We're goin' to West Virginia.
190
00:07:20,694 --> 00:07:22,488
No... No...
191
00:07:22,488 --> 00:07:24,072
[DRAMATIC STING]
192
00:07:24,072 --> 00:07:25,365
No!
193
00:07:25,365 --> 00:07:26,867
[GONG CLANGING]
194
00:07:31,622 --> 00:07:33,123
MEL: The Kama Sutra.
195
00:07:33,123 --> 00:07:35,250
[SITAR MUSIC]
196
00:07:35,250 --> 00:07:37,795
Thank you for having me to,
uh, pitch my new book idea.
197
00:07:37,795 --> 00:07:39,630
- Well, thank you for coming. We're big fans.
- Ah.
198
00:07:39,630 --> 00:07:41,340
I'm a simple guy. [SOFT LAUGH]
199
00:07:41,340 --> 00:07:43,300
I like eating soup. I like having sex.
200
00:07:43,967 --> 00:07:45,886
If I'm not going "slurp, slurp, slurp,"
201
00:07:45,886 --> 00:07:46,887
I'm eating soup.
202
00:07:46,887 --> 00:07:48,764
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- I like that.
203
00:07:48,764 --> 00:07:51,391
And so, this really brings
my two passions together.
204
00:07:51,391 --> 00:07:55,145
I have created hundreds
of tasty soup recipes
205
00:07:55,145 --> 00:07:59,316
and paired them with the perfect
corresponding sexual position.
206
00:07:59,316 --> 00:08:03,028
I call it Kama Souptra,
From Soup to Nuts!
207
00:08:03,028 --> 00:08:05,364
BOTH: From soup to nuts!
208
00:08:05,364 --> 00:08:07,032
Oh, okay. Well, that's very clever.
209
00:08:07,032 --> 00:08:09,284
All right, here we go. First one.
210
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:13,122
Lamb stew, you know, paired
with the simple missionary.
211
00:08:13,122 --> 00:08:15,374
It's warm. It's comforting.
Everyone likes it.
212
00:08:16,708 --> 00:08:18,127
Now we're getting a little more fun.
213
00:08:18,127 --> 00:08:21,630
Leek soup. For obvious reasons,
you're gonna need a tarp for this one.
214
00:08:23,173 --> 00:08:24,550
Ooh! Love this one.
215
00:08:24,550 --> 00:08:27,302
Summer gazpacho. That's when you
and your lover share a chilled soup
216
00:08:27,302 --> 00:08:28,679
while fucking on a cold tile counter.
217
00:08:28,679 --> 00:08:30,764
Wait, that looks so much like your wife.
218
00:08:30,764 --> 00:08:33,517
That is my wife! And
that's my neighbor Prakash.
219
00:08:33,517 --> 00:08:34,560
- Oh.
- Moving on.
220
00:08:35,102 --> 00:08:37,771
[GASPS] Let me guess. That's chowder.
221
00:08:37,771 --> 00:08:39,940
That's exactly right.
And before you ask,
222
00:08:39,940 --> 00:08:43,277
this position pairs just as well with
New England or Manhattan chowder.
223
00:08:43,277 --> 00:08:44,820
[SITAR CONTINUES]
224
00:08:44,820 --> 00:08:46,572
Spinach artichoke. It's vegan,
225
00:08:46,572 --> 00:08:48,323
pairs well with a nice light choking.
226
00:08:48,323 --> 00:08:50,909
See, I've always been a
little reluctant to go there.
227
00:08:50,909 --> 00:08:53,078
Oh yeah, people are afraid to go
vegan, but it's very satisfying.
228
00:08:53,787 --> 00:08:56,075
Ooh! Uh, this is a slow-cook recipe
229
00:08:56,076 --> 00:08:58,375
for a tantric mushroom and barley soup.
230
00:08:58,375 --> 00:09:01,420
For when you wanna
take 12 hours to climax.
231
00:09:01,420 --> 00:09:04,256
- Oh. What does that taste like?
- Who does that?
232
00:09:04,256 --> 00:09:06,508
It tastes like your wife
fucking the neighbor.
233
00:09:07,050 --> 00:09:08,886
- Oh, Prakash.
- Prakash.
234
00:09:08,886 --> 00:09:10,804
VATSYAYANA: Yeah,
Prakash sucks. Anyways,
235
00:09:10,804 --> 00:09:13,682
since we don't want this to
be a tantric meeting,
236
00:09:13,682 --> 00:09:15,058
should I just fly
through a bunch of 'em?
237
00:09:15,058 --> 00:09:16,310
[LAUGHS] Keep it moving?
238
00:09:16,310 --> 00:09:17,311
Here we go.
239
00:09:17,853 --> 00:09:20,773
Egg drop soup. No muss, no fuss,
for when you wanna make a baby.
240
00:09:20,773 --> 00:09:22,983
This is a simple recipe for tortellini,
241
00:09:22,983 --> 00:09:24,818
the butthole of pastas. It's fun,
242
00:09:24,818 --> 00:09:27,863
but you're gonna need some
oil and good communication.
243
00:09:28,405 --> 00:09:30,616
Italian wedding. That's
when fuck your aunt
244
00:09:30,616 --> 00:09:32,993
while she yells at your
cousin for not becoming a cop.
245
00:09:33,744 --> 00:09:34,745
Butternut squash!
246
00:09:34,745 --> 00:09:36,830
That's when she butters
your nuts till you squash.
247
00:09:37,498 --> 00:09:40,083
I have many more.
Should I keep going or...
248
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,628
I don't think that's gonna be necessary.
249
00:09:42,628 --> 00:09:44,296
[SOMBER MUSIC]
250
00:09:44,296 --> 00:09:46,590
- Because we love it!
- [PUBLISHERS LAUGHING]
251
00:09:46,590 --> 00:09:48,258
- You do?
- We just have one little note.
252
00:09:48,258 --> 00:09:49,593
- Yes.
- Okay,
253
00:09:49,593 --> 00:09:52,054
we don't want the soup. We
just want the sex positions.
254
00:09:52,554 --> 00:09:54,681
Okay, that's actually crazy
255
00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:56,433
because the soup is
what's gonna make this book
256
00:09:56,433 --> 00:09:58,560
- a best seller for a thousand years.
- BOTH: Mm...
257
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:00,521
You know what? I am not a pornographer.
258
00:10:00,521 --> 00:10:02,648
I do not make art to get people off.
259
00:10:02,648 --> 00:10:05,025
I make art to get people off
and fill their bellies
260
00:10:05,025 --> 00:10:07,903
with a nice bowl of soup,
stew, chowder, or bisque.
261
00:10:07,903 --> 00:10:10,239
If you don't get that, maybe
this is not the place for me.
262
00:10:10,239 --> 00:10:11,907
PUBLISHER: Oh, oh...
263
00:10:11,907 --> 00:10:14,576
- So we're just gonna steal the idea, right?
- Absolutely.
264
00:10:14,576 --> 00:10:16,495
[SITAR MUSIC CONCLUDES]
265
00:10:19,915 --> 00:10:22,292
MEL: The Russian Revolution.
266
00:10:22,292 --> 00:10:24,169
[RUSSIAN MUSIC, SINGING]
267
00:10:24,169 --> 00:10:26,171
Russia, 1918.
268
00:10:26,171 --> 00:10:28,841
The Romanov family clings to power
269
00:10:28,841 --> 00:10:31,385
as Vlad Lenin and the Bolsheviks
270
00:10:31,385 --> 00:10:33,303
lead the communist revolution.
271
00:10:33,303 --> 00:10:35,180
Meanwhile, in the countryside,
272
00:10:35,180 --> 00:10:38,183
my people did what they
had done for centuries.
273
00:10:38,183 --> 00:10:40,144
Be poor Jews.
274
00:10:40,144 --> 00:10:43,439
- Real estate! Real estate!
- Get your dream hut...
275
00:10:43,439 --> 00:10:46,400
BOTH: From Property Brothers Karamazov!
276
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,652
Bot seeds! Bot seeds!
277
00:10:48,652 --> 00:10:51,905
You can't have a Russian
bot farm without bot seeds!
278
00:10:51,905 --> 00:10:53,490
Serf-boards!
279
00:10:53,490 --> 00:10:55,659
Put your serf on a board!
280
00:10:55,659 --> 00:10:59,037
Mud pies! Get your mud pies!
281
00:10:59,037 --> 00:11:02,332
Get your mud pies from
me, Schmuck Mudman!
282
00:11:02,332 --> 00:11:04,543
Made with the abject suffering
283
00:11:04,543 --> 00:11:07,296
and eczema of the Jewish diaspora.
284
00:11:07,296 --> 00:11:10,883
All you need to do is
add war-der. [LAUGHS]
285
00:11:10,883 --> 00:11:12,426
[GOATS BLEAT, CHICKENS CLUCK]
286
00:11:12,426 --> 00:11:14,344
Joshy, my sweet son, come, come help me
287
00:11:14,344 --> 00:11:17,181
- with the family business!
- [ANNOYED GROAN]
288
00:11:17,181 --> 00:11:20,267
I don't care about the
family business, Dad!
289
00:11:20,267 --> 00:11:22,478
All I care about is falling in love,
290
00:11:22,478 --> 00:11:24,855
and I'll never meet
the girl of my dreams
291
00:11:24,855 --> 00:11:27,274
if I'm selling... mud pies.
292
00:11:27,274 --> 00:11:29,735
That's not true. I met your
mother selling mud pies!
293
00:11:30,444 --> 00:11:31,862
Her father came in, bought one,
294
00:11:31,862 --> 00:11:35,365
got absolutely horrible food
poisoning, and, as punishment,
295
00:11:35,365 --> 00:11:37,826
he made me marry his
most difficult daur-der.
296
00:11:37,826 --> 00:11:39,495
I don't want an arranged marriage.
297
00:11:39,495 --> 00:11:40,621
I can arrange that.
298
00:11:41,079 --> 00:11:43,582
Joshy, don't you see
that when you submit
299
00:11:43,582 --> 00:11:46,960
to a higher force,
good things can happen?
300
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,879
It's all about submission.
301
00:11:48,879 --> 00:11:51,632
[FIDDLER ON THE ROOF-STYLE MUSIC]
302
00:11:51,632 --> 00:11:55,302
♪ Submission, submission! ♪
303
00:11:55,302 --> 00:11:56,970
♪ When you yield to a superior force ♪
304
00:11:56,970 --> 00:11:58,555
Hey, shut up! Sha!
305
00:11:58,555 --> 00:12:00,808
- Sha! Stop the song. We need to talk.
- [SONG ENDS]
306
00:12:00,808 --> 00:12:02,392
Go inside now.
307
00:12:02,392 --> 00:12:05,145
And so, the song has come
to its natural conclusion.
308
00:12:05,145 --> 00:12:08,065
- Right behind you, my sour pickle.
- [CHICKENS CLUCKING]
309
00:12:08,690 --> 00:12:10,359
Bert, watch my mud pies.
310
00:12:10,359 --> 00:12:11,860
- Sure.
- SCHMUCK: Thank you.
311
00:12:11,860 --> 00:12:13,654
♪
312
00:12:13,654 --> 00:12:14,947
- Look!
- Oh no!
313
00:12:14,947 --> 00:12:17,366
- Mets continue slump?
- No!
314
00:12:17,366 --> 00:12:20,869
The idiot Tsar and his parasitic
family have been executed.
315
00:12:20,869 --> 00:12:23,872
[INTENSE RUSSIAN MUSIC]
316
00:12:25,457 --> 00:12:26,750
[CRANKING]
317
00:12:26,750 --> 00:12:29,086
Ugh. This is, like, really
when I miss my servants.
318
00:12:29,086 --> 00:12:30,087
Okay.
319
00:12:30,087 --> 00:12:33,090
Hey, you guys! It's me, your
girl, Princess Anastasia.
320
00:12:33,090 --> 00:12:35,676
For today's tutorial, I feel like
I've been seeing a lot of comments
321
00:12:35,676 --> 00:12:38,429
that you guys are like pretty
downtrodden and like poor or whatever.
322
00:12:38,429 --> 00:12:40,055
- So, I figured I would show you
- [COUGHING]
323
00:12:40,055 --> 00:12:41,640
how to de-contour your cheeks
324
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,725
so that your face can
look like it has like food
325
00:12:43,725 --> 00:12:45,436
- [COUGHING CONTINUES]
- or like, I don't know, shelter.
326
00:12:45,436 --> 00:12:48,105
- MAN: Anastasia, your lunch is here!
- You guys!
327
00:12:48,105 --> 00:12:49,982
- You're being so loud right now!
- [COUGHING]
328
00:12:49,982 --> 00:12:51,900
I'm recording!
329
00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:53,235
Ah, kids!
330
00:12:53,235 --> 00:12:54,778
Why the long faces?
331
00:12:54,778 --> 00:12:57,781
We are not inbred like the Hapsburgs.
332
00:12:57,781 --> 00:12:59,491
We are the Romanovs!
333
00:12:59,491 --> 00:13:02,161
We only sleep with beautiful relatives!
334
00:13:02,161 --> 00:13:04,288
Ew, Dad, boundaries.
335
00:13:04,288 --> 00:13:07,082
[SIGHS] How long is this
revolution gonna last?
336
00:13:07,082 --> 00:13:09,042
I wanna go back to the Winter Palace.
337
00:13:09,042 --> 00:13:12,045
This merchant's house is so last season.
338
00:13:12,045 --> 00:13:15,549
It'll just be a matter of
time before we are reinstated
339
00:13:15,549 --> 00:13:17,843
as the rightful rulers of Russia!
340
00:13:17,843 --> 00:13:20,512
The people love us,
and what's not to love?
341
00:13:20,512 --> 00:13:22,931
With our leaky blood and weak bones?
342
00:13:22,931 --> 00:13:25,100
[COUGHING]
343
00:13:25,100 --> 00:13:27,853
Oh lord, the Prince is getting sicker.
344
00:13:27,853 --> 00:13:29,271
What else are we gonna do?
345
00:13:29,271 --> 00:13:33,025
We wrapped his scrotum in garlic bulbs,
346
00:13:33,025 --> 00:13:35,444
like our family doctor prescribed.
347
00:13:35,444 --> 00:13:38,197
Speaking of, where the devil is he?
348
00:13:38,197 --> 00:13:41,074
MAN'S VOICE [ECHOING]:
Did someone say "the Devil"?
349
00:13:41,074 --> 00:13:43,243
[FARTING]
350
00:13:43,243 --> 00:13:44,828
Who farted?
351
00:13:44,828 --> 00:13:46,955
- [AROUSED]: Oh!
- [AROUSED]: Yes...
352
00:13:46,955 --> 00:13:49,333
My dear Rasputin.
353
00:13:49,333 --> 00:13:51,350
The only mystic in Russia that I trust
354
00:13:51,351 --> 00:13:53,629
with my medical and political advice.
355
00:13:53,629 --> 00:13:55,297
NICHOLAS: Ah, Rasputin!
356
00:13:55,297 --> 00:13:57,132
I heard some noble stabbed you!
357
00:13:57,132 --> 00:13:58,342
A mere tickle.
358
00:13:58,342 --> 00:13:59,426
Rasputin.
359
00:13:59,426 --> 00:14:02,221
Our son Alexi's health declines,
360
00:14:02,221 --> 00:14:04,973
and we're in desperate need of your...
361
00:14:04,973 --> 00:14:06,433
healing powers.
362
00:14:06,433 --> 00:14:07,726
Huh.
363
00:14:07,726 --> 00:14:09,978
Okay, up.
364
00:14:10,771 --> 00:14:12,523
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
365
00:14:12,523 --> 00:14:13,523
Follow my hand.
366
00:14:13,982 --> 00:14:17,402
[RASPUTIN BABBLING]
367
00:14:18,195 --> 00:14:20,072
[ALEXI SHUDDERING]
368
00:14:20,739 --> 00:14:23,283
Okay. So, my diagnosis
369
00:14:23,283 --> 00:14:25,327
is that your son's body
370
00:14:25,327 --> 00:14:27,871
is being haunted by Moldovan demons.
371
00:14:27,871 --> 00:14:29,581
- [ALEXANDRA GASPING]
- Fucking Moldovan.
372
00:14:30,624 --> 00:14:31,750
Anything else?
373
00:14:31,750 --> 00:14:33,085
That about covers it.
374
00:14:33,085 --> 00:14:34,628
I'm off!
375
00:14:34,628 --> 00:14:37,673
Long live the Romanovs! [FART]
376
00:14:37,673 --> 00:14:40,592
Ew! Ras-P-U-tin!
377
00:14:40,592 --> 00:14:42,719
Who'da known he'd be my favorite Putin.
378
00:14:42,719 --> 00:14:44,346
- [LOUD KNOCKING]
- Ah!
379
00:14:44,346 --> 00:14:46,390
The White Army.
380
00:14:46,390 --> 00:14:48,142
It's about time.
381
00:14:48,142 --> 00:14:50,310
You've come to escort
us to the Winter Palace?
382
00:14:51,228 --> 00:14:53,021
- [GASPS]
- Eeeee!
383
00:14:53,021 --> 00:14:55,649
Just, like, really load it up.
384
00:14:55,649 --> 00:14:58,360
- [GUNSHOTS BLASTING]
- Go all along the natural...
385
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:02,239
Guys! Can you please stop
shooting out there? [SCOFFS]
386
00:15:02,239 --> 00:15:05,909
- We're shooting in here.
- [SCOFFS] [GUNS SHOOTING]
387
00:15:05,909 --> 00:15:07,536
- Oh, my God, you guys!
- [PROJECTOR WHIRRING]
388
00:15:07,536 --> 00:15:09,705
- You know what, one second.
- [OPENS DOOR]
389
00:15:09,705 --> 00:15:11,165
[SCREAMS] Oh, my God.
390
00:15:11,165 --> 00:15:14,168
Okay, you guys, I'm like
literally dead right now
391
00:15:14,168 --> 00:15:16,587
because my whole family is
literally dead right now.
392
00:15:16,587 --> 00:15:18,505
I feel like I have to go into hiding.
393
00:15:18,505 --> 00:15:21,175
So, um... Watch this space and
follow along with my journey.
394
00:15:21,175 --> 00:15:22,176
Hashtag Last Romanov.
395
00:15:22,176 --> 00:15:24,636
But most importantly, before
I go, please do not forget
396
00:15:24,636 --> 00:15:27,806
to use my code "Anastasia" for
10% off your next Putzmates order,
397
00:15:27,806 --> 00:15:29,767
you guys, okay? It's really
important. Okay, I love you.
398
00:15:29,767 --> 00:15:31,477
War and Peace, bye!
399
00:15:34,938 --> 00:15:37,941
MEL: The Discovery of Fire.
400
00:15:37,941 --> 00:15:40,944
[GENTLE MUSIC]
401
00:15:40,944 --> 00:15:43,655
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
402
00:15:44,323 --> 00:15:45,323
[GRUNTS]
403
00:15:46,074 --> 00:15:47,826
[CAVEWOMEN GRUNTING]
404
00:15:47,826 --> 00:15:49,661
[LAUGHING GRUNTS]
405
00:15:49,661 --> 00:15:52,414
[EXCITED GRUNTING]
406
00:15:54,541 --> 00:15:58,253
[DISAPPOINTED, EXPLANATORY GRUNTING]
407
00:15:58,253 --> 00:15:59,379
[PUFFING]
408
00:15:59,379 --> 00:16:03,133
[SCOFFS, EXPLANATORY GRUNTING]
409
00:16:03,133 --> 00:16:05,469
[REALIZING GRUNTS]
410
00:16:05,469 --> 00:16:08,222
♪
411
00:16:08,222 --> 00:16:09,681
[FRUSTRATED GRUNTING]
412
00:16:10,140 --> 00:16:12,392
[SCREAMING]
413
00:16:12,392 --> 00:16:14,520
[DISAPPOINTED GRUNTING]
414
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:17,064
[REALIZING, EXPLANATORY GRUNTING]
415
00:16:17,064 --> 00:16:18,273
[INTERRUPTING GRUNTING]
416
00:16:18,273 --> 00:16:19,733
[OVERLAPPING GRUNTS]
417
00:16:19,733 --> 00:16:22,736
[STACCATO GRUNTS]
418
00:16:24,363 --> 00:16:26,824
- [DISAPPROVING GRUNTS]
- [FRUSTRATED GRUNTS]
419
00:16:26,824 --> 00:16:28,200
[IMITATING GRUNTS] Stephanie!
420
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:31,161
[MOCKING GRUNTING]
421
00:16:32,663 --> 00:16:34,039
[GRUNTING]
422
00:16:34,039 --> 00:16:37,042
[EPIC MUSIC]
423
00:16:37,042 --> 00:16:38,836
[ANNOYED GRUNTING]
424
00:16:38,836 --> 00:16:40,212
[GRUNTING GETS LOUDER]
425
00:16:40,212 --> 00:16:43,340
[YELLING]
426
00:16:43,340 --> 00:16:45,676
[SCREAMING]
427
00:16:47,094 --> 00:16:49,304
- [SHEEPISH GRUNT]
- [RELIEVED GRUNT]
428
00:16:49,304 --> 00:16:52,349
[LAUGHTER]
429
00:16:52,349 --> 00:16:55,227
[CAVEWOMEN GRUNTING]
430
00:16:55,227 --> 00:16:56,562
[CONFUSED GRUNTS]
431
00:16:56,562 --> 00:17:00,190
[PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC]
432
00:17:00,190 --> 00:17:02,651
CAVEWOMAN 1: Wait, now that
I'm looking at that painting,
433
00:17:02,651 --> 00:17:04,319
I, like, really get it.
434
00:17:04,319 --> 00:17:06,196
Wait, can I just say something?
435
00:17:06,196 --> 00:17:08,532
It is so funny they call us cave people.
436
00:17:08,532 --> 00:17:10,951
- I've never been in a cave.
- CAVEWOMEN: Oh, me neither! Yeah, same!
437
00:17:10,951 --> 00:17:13,036
I don't even know where
there is one! [LAUGHS]
438
00:17:13,036 --> 00:17:16,165
Hey, do you guys ever feel
like... like your life is a movie?
439
00:17:16,165 --> 00:17:18,041
More like a TV show.
440
00:17:18,041 --> 00:17:19,877
Oh, yeah.
441
00:17:19,877 --> 00:17:21,545
Look, there's a whole crew right there.
442
00:17:21,545 --> 00:17:23,088
You can see it in the
reflection of my glasses.
443
00:17:23,088 --> 00:17:24,965
[CAVEWOMEN GIGGLING]
444
00:17:27,050 --> 00:17:28,177
[HARPSICHORD MUSIC]
445
00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:30,679
MEL: William Shakespeare.
446
00:17:32,598 --> 00:17:35,142
MAN: It's just dirty, murky trough
water with a little bit of lemon.
447
00:17:35,142 --> 00:17:37,686
And then I don't eat till...
my first meal is lunch.
448
00:17:37,686 --> 00:17:38,687
[KNOCKING]
449
00:17:39,146 --> 00:17:40,898
Hey, uh, is this the
writer's room for Shakespeare?
450
00:17:40,898 --> 00:17:42,357
Uh, yeah. You the new guy?
451
00:17:42,357 --> 00:17:43,984
Yes, I am.
452
00:17:43,984 --> 00:17:46,278
I'm a man, as evidenced by my low voice.
453
00:17:47,529 --> 00:17:50,115
Sorry I'm late. Sorry
I'm late, everyone.
454
00:17:50,115 --> 00:17:51,158
Nanny called in sick.
455
00:17:51,158 --> 00:17:52,826
She's got the plague.
456
00:17:52,826 --> 00:17:56,705
So, read the latest draft of Hamlet.
457
00:17:56,705 --> 00:17:59,333
Some good stuff, some good stuff.
458
00:17:59,333 --> 00:18:01,627
Does Shakespeare like it?
459
00:18:01,627 --> 00:18:03,045
Yeah...
460
00:18:03,045 --> 00:18:05,297
Is Shakespeare in love?
461
00:18:05,297 --> 00:18:06,590
No. No, not yet.
462
00:18:06,590 --> 00:18:07,841
Keep pushing.
463
00:18:08,842 --> 00:18:11,720
Yes... Oh, hello. Who
are you? Have we met?
464
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,890
Oh, um, I'm a writer from
the Oxford Lampoon.
465
00:18:14,890 --> 00:18:15,933
I'm a man.
466
00:18:17,559 --> 00:18:18,602
My penis itches.
467
00:18:18,602 --> 00:18:20,687
Mm. I was skeptical until he said that.
468
00:18:20,687 --> 00:18:23,774
Okay, so here's what I'd like to do.
469
00:18:23,774 --> 00:18:26,151
I would like to gray sky for a bit.
470
00:18:26,151 --> 00:18:28,529
Just throw some ideas around.
471
00:18:28,529 --> 00:18:31,490
See what sticks. No judgments.
472
00:18:31,490 --> 00:18:33,492
Francis Bacon, take us on our journey.
473
00:18:33,492 --> 00:18:35,828
Oh. Okay. Uh, it's pretty crazy,
474
00:18:35,828 --> 00:18:37,913
but, um, what if we do a play,
475
00:18:37,913 --> 00:18:41,500
okay, but it's got music and singing?
476
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:44,795
So what you're suggesting,
if I'm hearing it right,
477
00:18:44,795 --> 00:18:46,880
is that people stop,
478
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,341
in the middle of a
show, and start singing
479
00:18:49,341 --> 00:18:50,801
something to the equivalent of...
480
00:18:51,343 --> 00:18:53,595
♪ I'm so sad ♪
481
00:18:53,595 --> 00:18:57,683
♪ Because my uncle killed my dad ♪
482
00:18:57,683 --> 00:18:58,934
♪ Hamlet! ♪
483
00:18:58,934 --> 00:19:00,144
That's fucking awful.
484
00:19:00,144 --> 00:19:01,770
Okay, anyone else have a pitch?
485
00:19:01,770 --> 00:19:04,523
Maybe a good idea, perchance?
486
00:19:04,523 --> 00:19:07,317
What about an interracial love story?
487
00:19:07,317 --> 00:19:09,236
An English lady and a Black guy,
488
00:19:09,236 --> 00:19:11,113
but it's not about race,
489
00:19:11,113 --> 00:19:14,408
and we called it, uh, I
don't know, Othello.
490
00:19:14,408 --> 00:19:16,201
Oh, let me start off by saying this.
491
00:19:16,201 --> 00:19:18,078
I am an ally,
492
00:19:18,078 --> 00:19:19,955
but I don't think it's my story to tell.
493
00:19:19,955 --> 00:19:23,292
So, if you wanna develop it, I
would absolutely support that,
494
00:19:23,292 --> 00:19:24,668
but just remember,
495
00:19:24,668 --> 00:19:27,629
it was conceived in this room,
496
00:19:27,629 --> 00:19:30,424
was it not? Yes, t'was.
497
00:19:30,424 --> 00:19:32,468
So, technically, I own
it. It's a Shakespeare!
498
00:19:32,468 --> 00:19:33,886
This motherfucker.
499
00:19:33,886 --> 00:19:35,804
- Anything else?
- Um,
500
00:19:35,804 --> 00:19:38,390
I have a love story. It's
about two white people.
501
00:19:38,390 --> 00:19:39,683
See? Now, that's relatable.
502
00:19:39,683 --> 00:19:41,226
WOMAN DRESSED AS BOY:
So, they're star-crossed lovers,
503
00:19:41,226 --> 00:19:43,687
and they're in a small
town, like Verona.
504
00:19:43,687 --> 00:19:46,023
Ooh, Italy is hot right now.
505
00:19:46,023 --> 00:19:49,026
And their houses hate each other,
but they fall in love anyway.
506
00:19:49,026 --> 00:19:51,236
And then they die tragically in the end.
507
00:19:52,446 --> 00:19:54,615
Okay, that's not quite
working for me yet,
508
00:19:54,615 --> 00:19:58,869
but let me just spitball
on it for a second.
509
00:19:58,869 --> 00:20:00,037
Okay...
510
00:20:00,037 --> 00:20:03,874
What if they're ill-fated paramours
511
00:20:04,792 --> 00:20:08,253
from two different families...
512
00:20:08,253 --> 00:20:11,215
and they come from, I want to say...
513
00:20:12,174 --> 00:20:13,967
Verona, maybe?
514
00:20:13,967 --> 00:20:15,219
Right?
515
00:20:15,219 --> 00:20:19,056
And they die in a sad way.
516
00:20:19,056 --> 00:20:20,182
And we shall call it
517
00:20:20,724 --> 00:20:23,227
Friends with Benefits.
518
00:20:23,227 --> 00:20:24,937
- I love that.
- SHAKESPEARE: Thank you.
519
00:20:24,937 --> 00:20:26,563
- Dynamite idea, boss.
- SHAKESPEARE: Thank you.
520
00:20:26,563 --> 00:20:29,775
- But, isn't that what I just pitched?
- No. You pitched me a lump of coal,
521
00:20:29,775 --> 00:20:31,652
and I, out of the kindness of my heart,
522
00:20:31,652 --> 00:20:33,695
took it and made it into a diamond.
523
00:20:34,113 --> 00:20:36,406
Okay, what you actually did was,
524
00:20:36,406 --> 00:20:39,243
I said an idea, then you repeated
it as if it was your own idea...
525
00:20:39,243 --> 00:20:42,955
[BANGING]
526
00:20:44,123 --> 00:20:45,499
[HARPSICHORD MUSIC]
527
00:20:45,499 --> 00:20:48,377
You don't understand!
528
00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:50,045
The pressure I'm under!
529
00:20:50,045 --> 00:20:52,673
I have to produce!
530
00:20:52,673 --> 00:20:56,802
I have to make sure the
costumes are hot! And heavy!
531
00:20:56,802 --> 00:20:59,888
I have to cast men
532
00:20:59,888 --> 00:21:03,100
that look like pretty little women!
533
00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:05,102
Ooh, little women.
That could be something.
534
00:21:05,102 --> 00:21:08,063
That could be something awful!
535
00:21:12,568 --> 00:21:14,611
You know what? I'm sorry.
536
00:21:14,611 --> 00:21:15,946
I'm just... [SIGHS]
537
00:21:15,946 --> 00:21:17,948
I'm rife with hunger.
538
00:21:17,948 --> 00:21:19,533
What are we doing for lunch?
539
00:21:19,533 --> 00:21:21,201
Uh... we ordered Chipotle.
540
00:21:21,201 --> 00:21:23,036
Goddammit.
541
00:21:23,036 --> 00:21:24,036
[GRUNTS]
542
00:21:24,705 --> 00:21:26,331
Alas, poor Yorick!
543
00:21:26,331 --> 00:21:28,167
It's fine. I-I barely knew him anyway.
544
00:21:28,167 --> 00:21:30,711
[HARPSICHORD FADING OUT]
545
00:21:31,628 --> 00:21:33,046
[RUSSIAN MUSIC]
546
00:21:33,046 --> 00:21:34,548
MEL: Rasputin.
547
00:21:36,467 --> 00:21:38,552
The mystical Russian priest
548
00:21:38,552 --> 00:21:42,598
who had a powerful mental
hold on the Romanov family.
549
00:21:42,598 --> 00:21:45,017
This didn't sit well
with some of the nobles,
550
00:21:45,017 --> 00:21:47,728
so they decided to kill him.
551
00:21:47,728 --> 00:21:50,397
Which, by the way, wasn't so easy.
552
00:21:50,397 --> 00:21:52,900
[JACKASS THEME]
553
00:21:52,900 --> 00:21:56,153
I'm Rasputin, and this is
getting stabbed in the back
554
00:21:56,153 --> 00:21:58,071
and thrown in the River Neva.
555
00:21:58,071 --> 00:21:59,573
[JACKASS THEME]
556
00:21:59,573 --> 00:22:03,118
- [STABBING, SLICING]
- Oh! Ow! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
557
00:22:03,118 --> 00:22:05,370
[LAUGHING]
558
00:22:05,370 --> 00:22:06,622
NOBLE: Throw him in!
559
00:22:08,582 --> 00:22:10,501
[LAUGHTER]
560
00:22:10,501 --> 00:22:13,003
[JACKASS THEME FADES OUT]
561
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,302
MEL: The Russian Revolution.
562
00:22:20,302 --> 00:22:22,554
[RUSSIAN MUSIC]
563
00:22:22,554 --> 00:22:24,098
Now, back in the shtetl...
564
00:22:24,098 --> 00:22:27,017
SCHMUCK'S WIFE: Isn't it great?
Those Romanov pigs are dead!
565
00:22:27,017 --> 00:22:28,977
The proletariat rules Russia.
566
00:22:28,977 --> 00:22:32,481
We must go to Moscow
and join the revolution!
567
00:22:32,481 --> 00:22:34,858
My beautiful, absolutely faithful wife,
568
00:22:34,858 --> 00:22:37,069
have you lost your mind?
569
00:22:37,069 --> 00:22:39,655
How could we leave all of this behind?
570
00:22:39,655 --> 00:22:42,366
Nice. Dad just rhymed.
Here comes another song.
571
00:22:42,366 --> 00:22:45,702
♪ We'll pack our bag and
move off to the city ♪
572
00:22:45,702 --> 00:22:48,872
♪ Where a dream life in
the ghetto waits for you ♪
573
00:22:48,872 --> 00:22:50,916
♪ Let the goyim have this
rural life so shitty ♪
574
00:22:50,916 --> 00:22:52,251
What?
575
00:22:52,251 --> 00:22:54,044
♪ This shtetl stinks, it's no place ♪
576
00:22:54,044 --> 00:22:55,337
♪ For a Jew ♪
577
00:22:55,337 --> 00:22:56,880
[FIDDLER ON THE ROOF-STYLE MUSIC]
578
00:22:56,880 --> 00:23:00,467
♪ I rather like the easy
lifestyle of the shtetl ♪
579
00:23:00,467 --> 00:23:03,762
♪ Where every murderous
Cossack knows your name ♪
580
00:23:03,762 --> 00:23:05,264
♪ Why seek out
that thing fear? ♪
581
00:23:05,264 --> 00:23:07,391
♪ We've got plenty of it here ♪
582
00:23:07,391 --> 00:23:09,351
♪ My dear, the city's
no place for a Jew ♪
583
00:23:09,351 --> 00:23:12,146
- There's no place for you.
- Well, that could be.
584
00:23:12,146 --> 00:23:15,023
♪ Schmuck, you're a
schmendrik, you're a putz ♪
585
00:23:15,023 --> 00:23:18,527
♪ You've got more mud
than brains or guts ♪
586
00:23:18,527 --> 00:23:22,114
♪ Better a living shtetl schmendrik ♪
587
00:23:22,114 --> 00:23:24,741
♪ Than a dead big city Bolshevik ♪
588
00:23:24,741 --> 00:23:26,201
Bullshit!
589
00:23:26,201 --> 00:23:28,203
- Fanny, language!
- Sorry.
590
00:23:29,496 --> 00:23:32,458
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
591
00:23:32,458 --> 00:23:33,917
♪ See, this is what I'm saying ♪
592
00:23:33,917 --> 00:23:35,377
♪ This Cossack wants us dead ♪
593
00:23:35,377 --> 00:23:37,629
♪ This Cossack has a
name, his name is Fred ♪
594
00:23:37,629 --> 00:23:39,089
- Hi, Fred.
- Hi.
595
00:23:39,089 --> 00:23:41,717
♪ I've known this anti-Semite
for most of my whole life ♪
596
00:23:41,717 --> 00:23:43,260
♪ He's the one who
stabbed your father! ♪
597
00:23:43,260 --> 00:23:44,887
♪ I stabbed him with my knife ♪
598
00:23:44,887 --> 00:23:46,638
♪ Stabbed him with his knife ♪
599
00:23:46,638 --> 00:23:47,890
♪
600
00:23:47,890 --> 00:23:49,308
♪ This Cossack's not a killer ♪
601
00:23:49,308 --> 00:23:50,976
♪ Just peckish, the poor goy ♪
602
00:23:50,976 --> 00:23:53,604
♪ Keep your hands off me,
you filthy stinking Jew ♪
603
00:23:53,604 --> 00:23:55,147
See?
604
00:23:55,147 --> 00:23:57,524
♪ But I've got just the ticket,
the delicious Mudman pie ♪
605
00:23:57,524 --> 00:24:01,737
♪ A little nosh to brighten
up your genocidal mood ♪
606
00:24:03,155 --> 00:24:07,075
[FRED GAGGING AND COUGHING]
607
00:24:07,075 --> 00:24:08,994
♪
608
00:24:08,994 --> 00:24:10,412
Oh, uh, charades!
609
00:24:10,412 --> 00:24:12,706
He wants to do charades! Okay.
610
00:24:12,706 --> 00:24:15,125
- [GAGGING CONTINUES]
- Okay.
611
00:24:15,125 --> 00:24:17,294
SCMUCK/FANNY: First word.
612
00:24:17,294 --> 00:24:19,630
- I!
- I! Joshy, you're so smart!
613
00:24:19,630 --> 00:24:21,882
- And don't get me started on that body.
- FANNY: Good.
614
00:24:21,882 --> 00:24:22,925
- [COUGHS]
- Second word.
615
00:24:22,925 --> 00:24:24,009
Uh... Oh!
616
00:24:24,009 --> 00:24:27,596
- Kill! Kill! Kill, kill, kill.
- SCHMUCK: Good job, Joshy.
617
00:24:27,596 --> 00:24:30,015
- [GAGGING]
- Uh, third word. Uh...
618
00:24:30,015 --> 00:24:31,642
- Oh. A sheep?
- [SHEEP BLEATS]
619
00:24:31,642 --> 00:24:33,185
Yes, oh! But, a female sheep.
620
00:24:33,185 --> 00:24:34,436
[WHISTLING]
621
00:24:34,436 --> 00:24:36,230
- Yes... A ewe!
- Ewe?
622
00:24:36,230 --> 00:24:38,232
"I kill you!"
623
00:24:38,232 --> 00:24:39,399
Fourth word.
624
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:40,943
- Shoe.
- Shoe?
625
00:24:40,943 --> 00:24:42,319
"I kill you shoes."
626
00:24:42,319 --> 00:24:43,737
- He hates shoes!
- JOSH: I kill you, shoes.
627
00:24:43,737 --> 00:24:44,905
Oh, oh, oh!
628
00:24:44,905 --> 00:24:46,698
"I kill you, Jews!"
629
00:24:46,698 --> 00:24:48,117
- SCHMUCK: There it is.
- FANNY: I told you, see?
630
00:24:48,117 --> 00:24:50,786
- Yeah, you were right, okay.
- [COUGHING]
631
00:24:50,786 --> 00:24:52,162
And...
632
00:24:52,162 --> 00:24:53,163
[CRASH]
633
00:24:54,623 --> 00:24:56,834
- [SHEEP BLEATS]
- All right.
634
00:24:58,293 --> 00:24:59,670
FANNY: Oh.
635
00:25:01,046 --> 00:25:03,340
SCHMUCK: Well, let's pack our one bag.
636
00:25:03,340 --> 00:25:06,218
♪ The city is the right place ♪
637
00:25:06,218 --> 00:25:10,180
♪ For these Jews! ♪
638
00:25:10,180 --> 00:25:14,059
[FIDDLER ON THE ROOF-STYLE MUSIC ENDS]
639
00:25:14,059 --> 00:25:16,895
But honestly, we should get going
if we wanna beat traffic. Let's go.
640
00:25:16,895 --> 00:25:19,148
FANNY: I'm so happy.
641
00:25:23,235 --> 00:25:25,904
MEL: Hitler on Ice!
642
00:25:25,904 --> 00:25:28,157
Hey, didn't I say no repeats?
643
00:25:30,033 --> 00:25:32,119
COMMENTATOR 1: And Adolf Hitler,
644
00:25:32,119 --> 00:25:34,955
not giving the performance
he had hoped for tonight.
645
00:25:34,955 --> 00:25:38,083
Mm. The master race isn't
lookin' so masterful.
646
00:25:38,083 --> 00:25:39,835
COMMENTATOR 2: Very hard
to perform at a high level
647
00:25:39,835 --> 00:25:42,463
when you are losing a two-front war.
648
00:25:42,463 --> 00:25:45,048
- Oh! Wow...
- COMMENTATOR 1: Oh, no...
649
00:25:45,048 --> 00:25:47,426
You know, it really hurts when
you fall on the ice like that.
650
00:25:47,426 --> 00:25:49,219
- Absolutely, Trish.
- It does.
651
00:25:49,219 --> 00:25:51,096
And that's gonna wrap
it up for Adolf Hitler.
652
00:25:51,096 --> 00:25:53,474
- Let's go to the floor and see some scores.
- [CROWD CHEERING]
653
00:25:53,474 --> 00:25:56,226
COMMENTATOR 1: And we're gonna follow
him into the kiss and cry booth.
654
00:25:56,226 --> 00:25:58,020
COMMENTATOR 2: And here he
is with his longtime coach,
655
00:25:58,020 --> 00:26:00,397
Joseph Goebbels, and his
new bride, Eva Braun,
656
00:26:00,397 --> 00:26:02,785
and they are throwing things
at him in the audience.
657
00:26:02,786 --> 00:26:04,030
They are throwing dead flowers.
658
00:26:04,031 --> 00:26:05,694
And he's waiting for the
scores. Here they are.
659
00:26:05,694 --> 00:26:06,820
[CROWD CHEERING]
660
00:26:06,820 --> 00:26:09,323
COMMENTATORS: Wow. Wow! Wow. Wow.
661
00:26:09,323 --> 00:26:12,785
COMMENTATOR 1: As expected,
it's a festival of zeros...
662
00:26:12,785 --> 00:26:15,454
[CROWD BOOING] except for
the French who gave him a 10,
663
00:26:15,454 --> 00:26:18,290
- those Vichy cowards.
- COMMENTATOR 2: Wow.
664
00:26:18,290 --> 00:26:20,751
TRISH: He got a straight-up
"fuck you" from Poland.
665
00:26:20,751 --> 00:26:22,669
I've said it before, I'll say it again,
666
00:26:22,669 --> 00:26:25,380
if you put concentration
camps in people's countries,
667
00:26:25,380 --> 00:26:27,549
you better be flawless on the ice.
668
00:26:27,549 --> 00:26:30,010
- TRISH: Look at how hysterical he is.
- COMMENTATOR 2: Wow.
669
00:26:30,010 --> 00:26:31,887
TRISH: See? This is what
happens when men are in charge.
670
00:26:31,887 --> 00:26:33,347
COMMENTATOR 2: I don't
know about you guys.
671
00:26:33,347 --> 00:26:35,390
I think this is gonna turn
into one of those Hitler memes.
672
00:26:35,390 --> 00:26:36,683
- Have you guys seen those?
- TRISH: Mm-hmm.
673
00:26:36,683 --> 00:26:38,769
- COMMENTATOR 1: And, oh.
- COMMENTATOR 2: I see a Luger.
674
00:26:38,769 --> 00:26:40,896
- I see a Luger. Wow.
- COMMENTATOR 1: There's the Luger.
675
00:26:40,896 --> 00:26:44,316
Uh-oh, looks like he's heading
back to the bunker with Eva Braun
676
00:26:44,316 --> 00:26:47,861
to blow his psychopathic brains
right out of his shit head.
677
00:26:47,861 --> 00:26:51,448
Yeah, I have to imagine that
this is his last competition,
678
00:26:51,448 --> 00:26:53,784
and I, for one, am glad about it.
679
00:26:53,784 --> 00:26:55,536
He's a thug and bad for the sport.
680
00:26:55,536 --> 00:26:56,954
And humanity.
681
00:26:56,954 --> 00:26:58,622
The greasy-head motherfucker.
682
00:26:58,622 --> 00:27:01,542
Ho-ho! We're gonna get some
letters about that one,
683
00:27:01,542 --> 00:27:03,502
but hashtag "I stand with Trish."
684
00:27:03,502 --> 00:27:05,170
Hashtag "me too."
685
00:27:05,170 --> 00:27:06,296
I don't know about that one.
686
00:27:06,296 --> 00:27:07,714
Absolutely!
687
00:27:07,714 --> 00:27:09,842
And coming up next,
we've got men's downhill
688
00:27:09,842 --> 00:27:11,552
with Benito Mussolini.
689
00:27:11,552 --> 00:27:13,345
He can make the trains run on time,
690
00:27:13,345 --> 00:27:16,598
but can he beat his
own time on the slopes?
691
00:27:16,598 --> 00:27:19,601
Let's hope he falls down and
breaks both of his fuckin' legs.
692
00:27:19,601 --> 00:27:21,603
[KLEZMER MUSIC PLAYING]
693
00:27:21,603 --> 00:27:26,603
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
48482
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