Original subtitles

You must start exercising your brain, Professor. It keeps it alert.

Now, these problems are far beyond my command of mathematics.

You must learn to use them.

Hello?

You possess the brain of a genius.

And now, the hands of a monster...

Okay, I'll be right down. Just...

Every day. ..

Um...

You know, um...

You know,

it's important...

It's important you know that,

when, you know, when I was, um -

when I was - when I was a kid,

you know, I mean, I guess because I -

I really - I never really -

you know, I never really -

I never really... you know, um -

I just... I never really -

I n - Uh, I never really, you know, cried.

I don't like it. Just because it wasn't...

Wait. Just - I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean...

Fuck.

Oh.

I try to just...

Oh.

Um...

I have to use the bathroom.

Young man, there's clearly a sign

in front of this community that says, "No solicitation."

Now, I watch you go door-to-door, and I just called one of the other girls

and asked her if she told you about our "no solicitation" rule.

And she said yes.

Well, ma'am, I'm sorry.

I thought that it only applied to her house.

So you saw it and you came anyway!

Well, it must have been - See, I must have misunderstood,

because she only told me after I went to the house.

I think you're lying.

- Ma'am, I'm not lying. I - -Are those my socks?

What?

Y-Your - Your face is, uh...

It's all... red.

- Do you have a mirror? - Uh...

What kind of pillows are these?

-Um - -'Cause I'm allergic to down.

I didn't know. Uh...

Let me get you something else to lay on. I'm really - I didn't mean...

Is there anything I can do?

I, um...

You know, um, when I was a kid,

my mother used to tell me I was the best at giving massages,

and my sister was the best at everything else.

Totally...

Come on.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

Won't that make that worse?

I mean - I mean -

Laura. Look.

No, no, look. Please stop. Please stop.

- Don't touch me! - Ow!

If you go for the small appendages, arms, legs, you'll be there quite a while.

Plus, you know, she gets all pissed off and starts throwing grenades at you.

Come on, you know what that's like. It's tough.

Especially in a confined area.

So I put up the display, pull out my gun, get rid of my darts...

So what I did was, I...

Yeah, pretty much.

So what I did was, I went like that with my elbow, and then I went like that.

-And then - -Do that again.

I went like that. Then like that.

And then he just let go of me, and then I just walked away pretty much.

Then there was this other time...

Come on. When you go in the first-person view mode, you see rain coming on you,

it's like you're in the game yourself.

Also, you know, pressure-controlled buttons...

Later!

-Listen, Carmine - -Man.

I'm so disgusted with you right now, man.

- Get off the van. What do you want? - I'm sorry.

I just want to speak to you for a second. Is that all right? Then I'll go.

Make it quick.

I know I can't understand the type of stress you're under.

Believe me, I wouldn't even try to understand it.

But, you know, I've made a mistake of letting my personal problems affect -

you know, trickle down to my job and add more stress for you.

I already told you, I don't care about your personal life.

- You gotta be on. Just do your job. - I know. No, I understand that.

I got better things to do than stand here and listen to you, man.

Anybody has better things to do than listen to me. I understand.

Th-Th-That goes without saying. I'm not saying you shouldn't have said it.

You're absolutely right about me not pouring my emotional garbage on you.

If I was you, and some troll just came out of the water and started pouring -

-I just want you - -Stop. All right? Just stop.

- I just want to let you know I'm sorry. - All right, fine. Are you done?

-Well, yeah. I just want to let - -Okay, then just...

- I gotta go. - No, I know.

Carmine, let me just tell you that I'm sorry. Okay?

- I gotta go. - Listen!

Hi. I'm Keith Sontag. I'm with the MSA, Multiple Sclerosis Association.

I'm distributing packets to raise funds

for my brother and other people with multiple sclerosis.

For just five dollars you get over $100 worth of savings to your favorite stores

and over $130 worth of value towards your favorite products.

Well, well, well. You're selling quite a bit of stuff there.

- But I can't be too interested. I'm sorry. - I understand that perfectly.

You have every right to - I understand that.

But you're not just giving five dollars, you're getting $100 of savings

toward your favorite products.

- And who will it help? - My brother.

People - Not just my brother. My brother has multiple sclerosis.

Oh. I had a cousin who died of cancer, and my husband died of a heart attack.

My father died of a heart attack.

- Oh, that's too bad. When was this? - It was about six years ago.

He was, um, walking outside of a Bob's Luncheonette, and he just dropped.

I really hadn't seen him for six years.

It wasn't like it was that painful, but I was the one who had to go identify him.

They got a note - They found a letter that my sister had sent him.

- Yeah. - His teeth had been knocked out.

- But he was dead before he dropped. - I understand.

At least you have to say he went fast. That's one thing.

Th-That's, well - That's what they told me, so...

- So... - Well, I-I can't do anything to help -

I can't really do anything to help my father,

but I can do a lot to help my brother and other people with multiple sclerosis.

I can understand the suffering, but, honey, I have to tell you something.

There are three or four cottages in back of you,

and the neighbors are looking right on us.

If I pass any money or a check to you, then it would go right back to management.

I have an idea. I'll just go in there. I can go to the bathroom.

- I cannot go against community rules. - You could say I was being nice -

I understand. You could say I was coming in to go to the bathroom.

- And I promise I won't tell anybody. - You seem to be a very nice boy.

- I appreciate that. - I'd love to help you. Good luck.

- That's about all. - I'm very sorry to have bothered you.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you.

Excuse me, miss. Could you help me with these?

I'm trying to send an email to my relatives,

and I want to send this picture.

Um, so, you have to scan it and get it on as an attachment.

And I just - I haven't done this before. Could you help me?

- Sure. - Think it'll work?

Yeah. Do you have a disk?

Okay.

I've got the email set up. What do I do next?

- Um, okay. - I don't see anything that says "scan."

That's what I...

I don't know. Um...

Maybe I should go to "attach"?

Okay, printing.

That's $4.87. Do you want a receipt?

Oh, no. It's not, um...

Um...

Um...

Yeah? Can I help you?

I... I...

Okay, um...

I was just wondering - I really appreciate - I know you're busy -

But if you could, um, just, um...

I have - Okay.

I have a friend, and it's his birthday, and, um...

I would - If you wouldn't...

I have a friend, and if you could, um -

If you wouldn't mind. It would just take a second.

Just, um - And of course I'll pay for the call.

But if you could just - lt'd be a nice surprise for him

if you could read this into the answering machine, on the phone.

It would just take a second. It would really be a nice surprise.

I mean, it sounds weird, but i-i-it's not.

I mean, trust me. If you - We have that -

It would just take a - Just - Just take a second. Uh, here.

And, um...

Uh, no. I don't feel comfortable doing that.

- You fucking or you get fucked? - What?

- He's asking do you take it or give it? - Give it? What are you - Give it to what?

Give it to my girlfriend. Why?

- You do? - Yeah.

How?

You gotta be kidding me. You don't know how you give it to a girl?

You give her the ol' Puerto Rican Python?

I guess you could say that.

One new message and one old message.

Hello.

How would you like to earn high interest on your insurance policy?

We are offering high-interest, low-cost insurance savings plans

for you and your family.

An education plan, retirement plan -

Um...

Yeah, that's it.

That's the one.

Uh... wait.

New Life. That's 1-800-N-E-W-L-I-F-E.

What if you could go on a treasure hunt into your own past?

What or who would you find?

A lost family figure? A war hero? A royal fortune?

Hi, um... Hi, Sandy. It's - Uh, sorry to bother you.

I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated

you having to sit there and listen to me the other day.

You know, um - Yeah.

I-I've just - I've had really...

I really don't have - I'd really like to get together and hang out with you.

I'd really like to get together, you know.

It's just I don't really have anybody to - to really see or talk to

besides, you know, the person I can see in the mirror,

and he told me how annoying I was.

Um, you guys would probably agree.

Maybe you guys should hang out.

Just kidding. You know, um - So, um... um...

Okay, so just, um, call me back, and, um -

Okay, thanks. Bye.

Get it on UPN 9.

if you've been hurt in any kind of accident -

Hey, Sandy. It's Keith again. Sorry to bother you. Um...

I know I called you, but, um, I don't know. ..

It don't work that way, man. You gotta smoke.

You gotta smoke.

Do it again!

Do it again! Do it again!

- Yeah. - Hey, Sandy. Sorry to bother you.

I know how busy you are. I just need a couple seconds of your time.

It's really important.

How you doing?

- It's - It's Keith. - Yeah, hi.

Yeah, I'm really sorry to bother you. I know how busy you are.

But I'm pretty sure the badge I use fell out of its holder

that I usually have on my chest, and -

- Do you know what time it is right now? - Yeah, I know.

I really am sorry to bother you, but I couldn't sleep,

and I knew that you'd probably be getting home around now,

so I didn't think it'd be a bother to you.

- What badge? - Okay, okay.

I-I-I usually wear it in, you know, like a little plastic safety thing.

Sometimes it falls out. I'm pretty sure it fell out at your place.

- I don't think you were wearing it. - Okay. Well, I really...

I'm really sorry, and I really appreciate this,

but I'm pretty sure it is there.

Do you mind looking around?

It's not - Where would it be? It's not here.

I really appreciate this.

It's not here. I'm in my apartment. I'm looking. It's not here.

Okay, i-it's... Okay, um. ..

Let me just think.

D-Do you mind - Do you mind checking on the couch for me?

You weren't on the couch.

- Well, on the couch 'cause I... - You weren't...

I looked on the couch. You weren't on the couch. So how's it gonna be there?

You were in the yellow chair.

- And it's not... - Would you mind checking...

- Would you mind checking on the chair? - I'm looking.

-I really - -It's not here.

Okay. C-Could you check under the couch?

How's it gonna be under the couch if you weren't on the couch?

-It's not gonna be anywhere near the - -Do you mind checking on the table?

It's not here. It's not on the table. It's not -

There's a really big book. It's about the Beatles?

The Who. No, it's not on the table.

Do you mind checking underneath the book?

Why would it be under the book?

I don't know. I'm running out of change. You mind?

I don't have much time left on the thing.

- Yeah, it's there. - Oh. Okay, great.

I'm a couple blocks from your house. You mind if I stop by just to get it?

It's really important. Only take a few seconds. I promise.

Why are you a couple blocks from my house?

I really appreciate this. I'm sorry I had to bother you.

It's fine.

Do you mind if I use the bathroom quickly? I promise I'll only take a couple seconds.

Thanks.

I'm really happy you had this. I don't know what I would've done if you didn't.

- Well, I'm glad you got it back. - Pardon.

I'm probably gonna get fired anyway, so...

Well, if you're gonna get fired anyway, why are you waking me up?

- Is that tea? - Yes.

Do you mind if I watch that with you?

Look, I'm really tired.

Just for a little while. I promise I'll leave right after.

The second this is over, I'm going to sleep.

Well, I'll leave the second it's over.

I really appreciate this.

Hey, wake up. It's over.

Can I call you later?

I'm going to sleep for a long time, so...

You want me to lock it?

Just pull it shut.

You know, he was resisting with his Gandhi-like way of not resisting.

You know what I mean?

- She didn't - -And - I'm sorry.

No, just... She didn't tell you to leave or anything like that?

She saw you and then she rushed over to your father and started to...

- Wrestle. - ...wrestle with him.

And she looked away from me,

and then she looked back and saw that I was still looking.

And my dad had this, you know, really full head of hair, you know.

I mean, that's something I remember vividly from, you know,

all - all throughout my time with him,

that he had this really, really thick head of hair, and no matter what -

You know, just look at my hair and just imagine the exact opposite.

And...

And... he had this really vivid head of hair,

and even when he would sleep, it wouldn't move.

And as they're wrestling, she looked over at me again.

And then she reached for his... his... his hair.

And that's the only time

I saw a little squiggle out of him, where he actually started moving a little -

But not fighting back, just, you know...

And I - All of a sudden, her hand pulled off.

You know, and I heard this rip. It was like lightning.

You know, I - I thought at first she'd pulled off his head.

And then I looked at him,

and it turned out that she had pulled off his toupee.

And it was almost like she had pulled the electrical cord out of a socket.

- 'Cause he just - -What did that mean to you?

How'd that make you feel?

When you saw your father with his wonderful head of hair

and then, all of a sudden, he's denuded in some way.

Betrayal?

By? Who betrayed you?

Well, he kept...

What was the question? I'm sorry.

Who betrayed you? You said "betrayal."

And I'm asking who betrayed you.

Your mother tore off your father's toupee.

So you had thought all through the years that he'd had a full head of hair.

- He gave me great hope for the future. - Okay.

What - But who did the betrayal? Your mother or your father?

That's not a rhetorical question. I don't know what the answer is.

It's what you think.

Her?

I don't know. Is it?

I'm not trying to talk you into anything.

You could see it either way. Or another way.

But "betrayal" is an important word. It's very important in what you're saying.

So let's try to get at who betrayed you.

Um...

Constantly... Constantly...

Constantly going through a cycle of fear...

Charles?

Charles? Okay.

You know, I know what it must be like, you know. I mean - I mean -

You know, one of those ghostly servants

in, you know, the turn-of-the-century manor houses in England...

...where, um, you know -

And you never even know they're around, you never know they're around,

until you hear, let's say, like, you know -

till you hear a spoon drop or something like that.

-But you know - And I don't want - -Who - Who drops the spoon?

You drop the spoon? You're a servant?

- I-I'm confused. - No. It's just that, you know, I mean...

You know, the bi - the bills. It's just that...

You know, I mean, you know...

-It's almost, you know - -No, I don't know.

You've said "you know" about 25 times, and I can promise you one thing.

I don't know.

Let me - What do you got here? What's this? What's this? Let me just...

It's okay. Let me see what this is.

Con Edison. An electric bill.

Tell you what. I'm gonna take care of this.

This is now my responsibility.

And with that, this discussion is over.

Well, I mean, I understand that, a-a-and I -

I assure you, there's nothing left for us to discuss.

It's just that...

I can't stop, you know, just worrying about it.

I mean, you know, worrying about it is just like there's this wheel

that keeps going around in my head, and the wheel just keeps spinning

and it keeps ending up on, you know, almost like a wheel that ends up

on a space that says, well, my worst possible conclusions here and there.

And that's where this state of, you know, free-flowing anxiety

that, you know, I feel time and time again -

Has it ever occurred to you that your ridiculous, disjointed splutterings

might inspire me to want to malign you?

That I might deliberately not pay the bill just to punish you

for torturing me with your pathologies?

- I'm just throwing that out there. - I appreciate that.

There's no reason to belabor this. I mean, this conversation is over.

We are done.

- We have nothing left to talk about. - I-I understand that.

But I just make a sale, which I have to carry -

It's just, you know - The money doesn't exist in my hand.

It's almost like cotton candy. You bite into it, and, you know, um...

You've already worn out your welcome tenfold.

I mean, I really just can't handle it anymore.

I want you to get out of my room. We're done. This bill's taken care of.

There's nothing left to discuss. Please go.

What? What could you possibly have left to talk about?

- So are you gonna pay it? - What are you, deaf?

I've told you ten times I'm gonna pay the bill.

In fact, that's all I've been telling you since you've come in here.

Well, you see, it's not - Just so you know, um...

Th-Th-Th-That - You know, the, uh, the bill is -

You know, it's the second notice, and -

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

You're now gonna quiz me about the procedure for paying a bill?

No, no. I mean, if that's what it came out like, I-I'm sorry.

That's not what I was trying to say.

I just, you know - I just want you to understand -

You now have a choice. You can either persist in this line of questioning

and run the risk of having the bills be destroyed,

or you can trust that I have the sufficient knowledge

to put this in a mailbox.

Now I want you to disappear.

Uh... no. I think I'll make my own donation.

I understand, but it's not like you're giving a donation,

and the money, you don't know where it's going. You're giving money towards -

But it's going towards helping.

Helping people. That's exactly what we're trying to do.

- That's all I can do. - Absolutely.

Really, these products are things you need and these are products you use.

- And I think that's very important. - Uh...

You know what I mean? Because it's a two -

No. I'm gonna make my own donation, and let's leave it at that. Thank you.

- I-I-I'm sorry. - Don't be sorry.

- You're doing the best you can. - I know, and -

- But this is how I feel. - I-I -

- Hello, sir. - Yeah.

I'm Keith Sontag with the MSA. I'm distributing packages to raise funds

for my brother and others with multiple sclerosis.

For just five dollars you get over $100 of savings toward your favorite stores

and over $130 worth of value toward your favorite products.

- So, is that your brother with you? - Well.

Uh, no. That's not - That's not -

All right, that's - That's, um, Carmine. He runs our charity drive.

He d-d-drives around the street.

But it is for a very good cause. I'm doing it for people like my brother

-who have multiple sclerosis - -All right.

Hi, Carmine.

What's going on?

I, um - I gave him the booklet, and he took it. And now...

I think he thought it was free. I don't -

I'm not so sure, but I don't think he was that bright.

Not bright?

Guy owns his own house.

And he's not the one that's gonna be walking home.

Better go back and get that money.

I remember you told me a couple times, I mean, you know,

specifically that we shouldn't have verbal intercourse with a customer

after we already went there. We shouldn't have it again.

I'll let you know when you're breaking the rules.

I-I don't think it'd be that -

You're the boss, but I don't think it'd be that fruitful for me to go back.

I-I don't think that he would -

Do you want a ride home or not?

Well, I don't wanna be rude or anything, but I really don't -

That's like asking me what I'm more afraid of, a gun or knife.

That's really not a fair choice.

All right, how's this? Go back, get the money, and I won't fire you.

How's that for a fair choice?

Okay.

Hello, sir. I'm sorry to bother you again.

It's my fault. I wasn't very clear about it.

You get all those values and savings in the booklet I gave you. It's for charity.

You get all this value and savings for only five dollars. It's $100 of savings.

It's a very good deal, but it is five dollars, and, um...

- Yes, I'm busy. Just... - Okay, I really appreciate it. Thank you.

I didn't mean to bother you again.

Here.

Um...

I started rolling and then I almost fell on my dog on the way down.

And then I was, like, I knew something was wrong.

I knew something was fucking wrong.

My dad's like, "Oh, nothing's wrong ."

I thought, "I know something's wrong because I can't get up."

Thank you for coming, Laura.

I just want to tell you how sorry I am, but I want - I want -

I can't stay.

I only need a few minutes. That's all.

I know that if you take away the fact that I took the -

I know that just because the money's on the table,

it doesn't mean you have a right to take it, and if you take away that -

- This really hurts. - Well, I...

Think about how it hurts me too, and that's why I'm here.

That's why I need to speak to you a couple minutes so I can explain to you -

I'm talking about my hand.

Okay.

Okay. You know -

I know. You had a very difficult day.

And sometimes when I have - sometimes when I have a difficult day,

I, um - You know, I go, um -

She's gonna be down in a minute, so...

Okay.

I'll go home on one condition.

That you promise me that you'll go home,

and you'll, you know, get a good night's rest. It'll do you good.

I mean, you know, I know what I'm talking about, 'cause...

Just, um - So I-I'll - I will speak to you later, and, um...

S-S... So...

Yeah. Hey there. This is, uh. ..

My name's Wes, calling about the one-bedroom apartment.

Seems it's still available, so I'll tell you what.

I'll, uh - I'll try calling you later and we'll make this hap -

Exactly! Why not 12 minutes of some fucking bionic performance

by the '82 band, like "The Black Page" or something - Yeah.

Or why couldn't he put "Approximate" or "REDUNZL" instead of - Exactly.

It's like there are these long blues jams when we could be hearing like "REDUNZL" -

Yeah, but - Well, I kind of disagree with that. I think Thing-Fish is like...

Hey, what's up?

I noticed the sign in the window said you were looking for waitstaff?

- Job? - "Chop"?

"Chop"?

No, no. I'm looking for, uh, uh... work.

Thought maybe you had some - some openings.

I'm gonna be taking these.

I have thought about it before. I have -

It's not - You make it sound as if I voluntarily put myself in this position,

so that now I'm completely backed into a corner, and I have no way -

Yes. Of course!

No, this - Look, I don't even wanna argue about this.

This is not an issue for debate.

I just need help,

and I need you to please, please just do me this one favor.

Please.

No!

You just -

I can't believe you're gonna do -

You're - You've got to be kid -

Fuck! Jesus Christ!

What's up?

Um, I'm being tested for something here?

Someone's gonna be giving me a test?

Is this for teacher auditions?

- Probably, yeah. - You know which subject?

- Maybe, uh... - LSAT? GRE?

- Yeah, that sounds right. - Which one?

LSAT.

Here, take this. Take these as well.

- Great. - And that's just a test.

You have to take it, uh... Here, follow me. Come to this room.

And I'll time it.

Okay, so just take a seat, um...

It's an official LSAT from ETS, and you'll have 35 minutes.

So, my performance on this test is gonna make me more or less eligible

to get this job, is that correct?

Well, they'll evaluate it in the office.

"Evaluate." You mean, that's a fancy way of saying "grade."

I'm not really sure what they do -

They usually run it through a Scantron machine, would be my guess.

Again, I'm not sure, I mean -

All I know is you have 35 minutes. I'll come back in 35, okay?

Great. Thanks.

So this is an official LSAT from ETS.

Just take a seat. You have 35 minutes. I'll tell you when it's over, okay?

Jesus fucking Christ.

Uh, hey, it looks like we're working on the same question.

Hey, you can't write on the board. You gotta do your test at your desk.

Could I have some pencils that have lead in 'em?

Yeah. You just have to ask me for one.

Could I have some pencils that have lead in 'em?

Yeah.

There you go.

That enough?

- Oh, that's great. - Okay, good.

Yeah, this thing is really hellish.

All right, guys. Time's up.

Whoa, what about the five-minute warning?

I didn't say if there was a five-minute warning.

It's pretty standard, we get a five-minute warning.

- Okay, you want a couple of minutes? - I don't need five minutes. I'm all set.

Okay. All right. You can have a couple minutes.

So the guy who scans these is out right now.

If you want, you can sit here and wait, or we can mail it to you. Whatever you -

Probably just wait.

Look, I told you that you can't write -

Come on. You should've given me a pencil that writes.

He has grounded to Canó twice, the second baseman.

Pitch high. Fastball. One and one.

The 1-1, grounded to first. Diving block by Giambi.

Picked up by Canó. Moves to first. In time! What a play!

- Um, so I filled it out. - I can take it.

Do I have to go downstairs to smoke?

You can just go in the staircase right here.

Now two away. Here is Álex González.

Inside. The count, 1 and 0.

Now here's the 1-0. Gone on a miss.

And the count, 1 and 1. Good slider by Small.

Now Aaron to the wind. And the pitch is grounded to short.

Jeter has it. The pitch was inside.

Small has 'em 1-2-3. Got three ground balls.

Boy, what a colossal drag that was, huh?

It sucked.

Oh, yeah? Test bummed you out?

- Yeah, it sucked. - Oh, that's funny.

I'm a little bit more hung up with that cock sucking, sort of hegemonic agent,

that functionary from fucking exam land.

Yeah. I see what you mean.

You mean, it's as if he'd sprung forth from the world of the test.

He's like a - This guy's like an emissary from the world of the test.

Wow, that's really clever.

I mean, you s-s-see what I mean. I mean, he's -

It's as if he's, like, a delegate or something from this Kafkaesque world.

Oh, Jesus.

I mean, I feel nostalgic for a kind of a Kafkaesque universe.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean the-the-the question with the - the, uh -

the carefully numbered locker doors

and all the children with their own numbered locker.

It was just this kind of nightmarish uniformity,

each child with its own little cubical.

I mean, I felt like I'd been welded in to one of these cubicles,

and I needed the functionary to-to unlock me, get me out.

You know I'm talking about that question with the... the list.

It was... It was frightening, frankly.

But the... Yeah, the...

the functionary was just a disaster.

I mean, were you even able to assemble any of the diagrams for the questions?

- Um... - The kind of initial, you know, like,

you know, preface...

I seem to have a distinct memory

of you commenting on the fact that I was making one of those diagrams.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, were you - I mean, were you able to figure those out at all?

What do you mean? You're talking about Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

Thursday, Friday.

- If operations is toured on Monday... - Yeah. Right.

...productions is toured on Tuesday?

- Yeah. - Huh.

- Yeah, that. - I couldn't do that.

My fuckin' pencils were broken.

Yeah.

I mean, it's just - it's perverse the way the test is set up.

I mean, the... the...

the diagram they ask you to, like, painstakingly assemble,

you know, you find out in the end that each of the questions

is a kind of an exception to all the rules of the diagram.

It's as if you have to make a diagram that is, you know, fluidly designed

to account for every exception to its own rule.

So it's a trap? You're saying that the test is kind of a trap?

- Yeah, yeah. The test is a trap. - That's absurd.

I mean, the test isn't a fucking trap.

The test is great. I mean, the test is just fucking fine.

It's some sort of excremental symptom of this, like, absurd ideological complex

that pretty much wants to just sort of expand its test-making techne.

How can you sit there and complain about the fucking test?

That's what you're here for.

You're taking the test so that you can, in turn, give the test.

You want to become a test administrator.

What the fuck right do you have to complain about taking the test

and saying how bankrupt it is?

The whole reason you're here is to participate in it.

I don't wanna fuckin' do that. I don't wanna give this goddamn -

-Well, I mean - -Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.

- I don't wanna give this fucking test. - Of course. Of course.

I see exactly what you're saying.

At some point,

you've gotta reach a point when you're in the middle of taking the test

where you acknowledge the time passing,

you look at these ridiculous questions, you just feel -

Fuck the test. Fuck the test. I don't know why you're talking about the test.

I'm talking about the fact that I don't want to give 'em the fucking...

I don't want to teach other people to take the fucking test.

I don't wanna waste my time with this shit.

- I don't want to - I mean, listen to me. - But I mean -

Aren't you raptly awaiting the moment when the time's up,

and you can just leave the building and go out and, I mean, you know,

the next thing you know you're home, you can rent RoboCop...

- Jesus Christ. - ...make a can of SpaghettiOs?

That sounds worse than getting a fuckin' job.

Well, let me - let me try to make this clear.

I don't know if you quite know where I'm coming from.

When the time elapses and the test is over

and I leave this ridiculous building and I go out and I go on the street,

I'm walking home, I'm on the Brooklyn Bridge.

I'm listening to my Walkman

and-and-and, you know, having a pack of Twizzlers.

Ugh!

Oh, my...

You're telling me that in the middle of this kind of ontological

or epistemological fucking crisis

that your safety net is Trizzlers?

Okay. I'm gonna split.

Now, Aaron to the wind, and the pitch is grounded to short.

Jeter fields and throws across in time.

Small has a 1-2-3. Got three ground balls.

And now at the end of six innings of play,

Yankees 7, Tampa Bay 5.

Keith. What's happening?

Can we - Can we talk about something, please?

I'm really tired. I'd like to go - I'd like to go to bed.

I want to have a discussion about the current living situation.

It's kinda on my mind.

I'm sorry. I can't talk about that with you.

What do you mean, you can't?

Look, I'm asking for five minutes

to just sit down and have a normal, reasonable conversation.

I mean, I'm looking at being a homeless person within a week.

I don't want that to happen.

Now, that kinda means that you're obliged

to at least give me five minutes of your time

to try to resolve this.

- Is that so much to ask? - I'm sorry. I ju -

You know, I just can't talk about this with you.

It's not necessary for you to apologize. I'm not asking you...

You know, you don't have to be sorry. I just want to have a discussion.

And you wouldn't be homeless 'cause you could always go live with your parents.

That's not an option.

But - You do have the safety net.

I don't wanna hear that. That's not the point.

Yeah, I understand. I understand you're upset.

- If you wanna punch me, I'd understand. - I don't wanna punch you in the face.

I just wanna have a discussion about this.

I'm sorry. I can't talk about this with you.

What do you mean, you can't? Could you clarify that, please?

What, you're not capable of sitting down

and having a reasonable discussion for five minutes about something?

No, that's not what I... I've tried to...

I've tried to talk about this with you month after month,

and you didn't listen to me.

Now, I'm sorry. This is the last thing I wanted to do.

Look, I've tried to listen to you month after month,

and I've tried to decipher when you come to me with these... when you come...

These are unmanageable jumblings that you come to me with.

I mean, this is mangled syntax.

I mean, frankly, I don't have the energy to continue to meet you 4/5ths of the way

just to try to figure out what it is you're attempting to communicate.

I'm not - What I'm trying to commun - What I'm not trying to distort -

I am - What I'm trying to communicate is that I walk around

- with everyone else's shit all day. - Oh, come on!

You're not gonna go into another one of these inane analogies now, please!

Spare me, please!

I'm not going into another inane analogy.

I'm just trying to describe what it feels like for me... Ow!

Every single day, you know, to get up and walk around with everyone else's shit.

Now, I get up every day, and I go into a van where people hate me.

Have you thought about how you're gonna feel when you realize

that I hate you a thousand times more than any of those people in the van?

Because you turned me into a street-walking savage?

Wait, wait. On what grounds do you hate me, Charles?

I mean, if the situation was reversed,

you would've had me out the first month, and I wouldn't have hated you.

Why do you insist on permuting the circumstances?

Reversed? Why - This situation is not reversed.

It's as it is.

I'm not permuting the circumstances. You know, I mean...

You left me no choice. You've been disrespecting me.

- How have I ever disrespected you? - Oh. Okay. Charles, come on -

You give me one example of when I've disrespected you.

Well, you know, I mean -

Without invoking a chair or your grandmother

or a fingernail or a piece of shit.

Come on, Charles.

When I'm waking up at 6:00 a.m. in the morning to go bust my hump,

and I know you're sleeping till noon.

I'm sorry. I know that's not my business.

How dare you judge my work patterns and my work habits!

The work I do is completely different from the work you do.

I mean, it's not my fault that I'm more ambitious than you.

It's not my fault that I've gotten myself into the miserable arrangement

of having to scrape my sorry ass out of bed at 5:30 in the morning

only to come back eight hours later,

miserable and beaten into exhaustion.

Don't blame me for that.

I'm not talking about this with you, Charles. I'm sorry.

You know what baffles me?

What baffles me is that you've somehow managed to will yourself into a position

of sole arbitrator around here.

It's a complete enigma. I have no idea how you managed to do this.

That's not true. You think I wanna be in this position?

You have created this system in which I've failed.

Now I have to come to you with this shit?

Why don't we take your idea of paying the rent and go tell the landlord?

If we paid the rent when you wanted to, we'd both be on the street.

That's pure speculation. You can't prove that.

And look, while we're at it,

how 'bout I inflict my ideal living situation on you, okay?

Like every time I bring a girl back here for a prospective lay,

and all I want is a nice, low-key, inviting household,

and-and if she happens to look over her left shoulder,

she's gonna see a burbling troll in his underwear.

You think that's my ideal living situation?

Of course it's not. But would I ever come to you with this?

Would I ever come to you, bitching about it?

No, I would never do that because I would never disrespect you in that way.

But you grill me every chance you get, won't you?

Fine. You should be happy now. You won't have to see me anymore.

I mean, I have to leave my apartment based on the judgment of some diseased freak?

I mean, you are fucked!

You are so backward, man.

I have never met a more fucked-up, confused, diseased motherfucker.

I mean, you are a worthless piece of shit!

I just wanna live in a place where the bills are paid.

- They are paid! - On time!

Motherfucker...

You sick fuck!

Hi! How are you?

Pick up.

Hello?

I made myself a promise when I was a kid that I would never ever live

under the same debilitation of having to listen to the boom-boom game downstairs

of pots and pans of food that I'd never get a chance to eat. Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Pick up.

Listen. I'm really sorry. I promise I...

If you just pick up, I'm calm.

I promise I'll explain everything, and it'll all make sense.

I'm in a terrible state. Now, I know you're there, and I'm...

I'm not saying that to be accusatory. I would never say that.

I just need to speak with you just for a couple seconds.

Just pick up.

Come on!

Listen, I know you're there listening. Now, I need to speak with you!

I know you're there listening. Now, pick up!

Your place is not Fort Bragg.

If I have to, I'll find my way into your building.

I'll knock and I'll kick and scream at your door until...

Just pick up the phone!

Hello?

Buzz me up. I'm coming up. I'll be right up, okay? Just buzz me up.

Keith, do you know what time it is right now?

Yeah. That just underscores the fact that I need to speak with you.

Just buzz me up. Okay? I'll be right up.

I'm sleeping right now. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Well, you're not sleeping right now, so just buzz me up!

I'm asleep. I'm in bed right now. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

That's perfect. Stay in bed. I'll tell you what I have to.

I'll be in and out, in and out. So buzz me up, okay?

Keith, I'll talk to you later. Come on.

- No. No. I need to speak with you now. - Then speak. Say what you have to say now.

I can't speak through a contraption. I need to see you face-to-face!

Okay? Now buzz me up.

Look, Keith, I'll see you face-to-face tomorrow, all right?

- No, no! - I'm in bed. I'm sleeping.

I want you to listen to me. No, no. I want you to understand.

We are speaking tonight, okay? Your place is not Fort Bragg.

If I have to, I'll find my way into your building. I'll go to your door.

- I'll kick and scream if I have to. - Yeah, hold on. Just give me a second.

Give me one second, all right?

Fine. That's all I need. I really appreciate this.

I see two people coming out of your building. I'll be right up, okay?

Wait, wait. Wait.

Look, I'm. .. In 15 minutes, I'll meet you on the corner of, uh...

Okay, great. I'd really appreciate it. Thank you so much.

You don't know how much I appreciate it. You're doing me a favor.

As soon as you see me, you'll understand. But could you do me a favor?

Why don't you give me the pleasure of returning the favor

and just buzz me up, okay?

- Forget all this. It's stupid. - Wait. No, no, no.

- I'll see you tomorrow. - Wait, wait, wait.

- I'm just trying to do you a favor! - Keith, I'm in bed. I'll see you tomorrow.

No, no, no. Wait. One question. I just have one question before you go.

What?

- What? - Where do you wanna meet?

On the corner of 9th Street and 5th A venue.

You know I don't know your neighborhood. I don't -

It's two blocks away.

If you're leaving my building, you make a right turn and you walk two blocks.

Wait a second. Wait.

Okay, if I'm leaving your building, do I pass the Blockbuster?

Make a right turn. You don't pass it. Make a right turn.

If you made a left turn, you'd hit the Blockbuster.

- Wait a second. - Leave my building and make a right turn.

- You walk two blocks. - If I'm leaving your building...

Where do I go? If I'm leaving your building...

Now, if my back's facing your building, I make a left turn?

I need a glass of water.

I never ask you any - You know I don't. You know I don't owe you.

Get your hand -

I need to speak with you. I made a promise when I was a kid, I'd look in the mirror -

What's wrong? Keep your voice down.

I made a promise when I was a kid that I'd look in the mirror and tell myself

- I would never live under the persecution... - Keep your voice down. Back up.

I made myself a promise that I'd never be the Giving Tree.

That I would ne -

When I was a kid, I made a promise I would never live under the same persecution -

Keep your voice down. Do you understand what that means?

Where we going? Why don't we go in your place? It's late!

- It'd be so much easier. - I don't want you in my place.

I made myself a promise.

I had to sit there every single day and watch as they dragged him out.

She just dragged him out like he didn't mean anything.

- Like he wasn't even a person. - Keep your voice down.

Keep your voice down.

Look, you're not making any sense right now. Back up. Touch the pole.

When I was a kid, I made myself a promise -

Touch the pole. Touch the pole. Keep your hand on it.

Keep your hand on the pole.

She always had her room and a place to go. She would come away -

Keep your voice down.

- Just calm down! - I'm calm.

I'm annoyed as hell. I'm calm. Keep your voice -

That she always had a place to go, and she would come over with her black teeth

and she would sit there and tell him that he should kill himself.

She made him drink cosmos

and tell him to give his clothes to Goodwill and he should kill himself.

Then she would look at him straight in the face like he wasn't even a person.

And she would say, "You're a schnorrer. You're a schnorrer.

A piece, a piece, a piece!"

Goddamn, cover your mouth. Don't cough on me.

Get a hold of yourself.

Get a hold of yourself.

- Let's go. Let's go. - Where we going?

Let's go.

- Wait, where we going? - We're going.

Wait, no! I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go!

- Then start making sense, all right? - Okay.

You realize I've been awake for about 15 seconds?

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

You're not making any sense.

You got two minutes to tell whatever you have to say, and -

That's all I need. That's all I need.

Listen, you have two minutes, then you're out the door, all right?

Okay.

And this counts as your two minutes.

Her Vivien Leigh hands would never... They wouldn't even touch it.

- This is bullshit. - It's me. I always get the work-around.

They get clean stuff.

You're hurting me!

Shut your fucking mouth.

I need to use the bathroom. I need to use the bathroom.

-I'm sorry. We don't let nobody - -I'll be right out.

Nobody's allowed back there.

Sorry.

All right...

Laugh, laugh, laugh!

Laugh, laugh, laugh.

All he did was frown. Frown.

Frown.

Frown. Frown.

Frown. Frown.

Frown. Frown.

Come with me.

Hey, everything's cool, man. This just ain't the place, all right?