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1
00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:04,610
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,710 --> 00:00:07,749
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,849 --> 00:00:11,690
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,690 --> 00:00:14,228
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,228 --> 00:00:18,103
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,103 --> 00:00:21,276
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,376 --> 00:00:23,013
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,013 --> 00:00:24,583
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,683 --> 00:00:30,227
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:35,370 --> 00:00:37,274
May I join the Loser's Club?
11
00:00:37,374 --> 00:00:40,080
(sighs) I don't care
what yearbook captions you saw,
12
00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:43,286
we are not yet
an organized club.
13
00:00:43,386 --> 00:00:45,057
(gasps)
14
00:00:46,660 --> 00:00:47,996
Oh, hells yeah!
15
00:00:48,129 --> 00:00:49,733
There's only one reason
the lunch lady
16
00:00:49,833 --> 00:00:51,369
puts the gray oven mitt back on:
17
00:00:51,369 --> 00:00:54,442
second tray of French bread
pizza coming out.
18
00:00:54,543 --> 00:00:56,212
Got to move quick
if you want to get the one
19
00:00:56,312 --> 00:00:58,183
with two pepperonis.
20
00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:00,888
- (grunts)
- Hey!
21
00:01:00,888 --> 00:01:02,224
- Move. (grunts)
- (grunts)
22
00:01:02,224 --> 00:01:04,262
STUDENT: I'll have you know
I'm a Stouffer.
23
00:01:04,262 --> 00:01:06,567
Where you at, pepperonis?
24
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,973
Aha! I hope your affairs
are in order.
25
00:01:09,973 --> 00:01:11,342
- Honey?
- The deed to the house
26
00:01:11,442 --> 00:01:13,313
is in the drawer
under the phone.
27
00:01:13,313 --> 00:01:15,417
(snarling)
28
00:01:17,121 --> 00:01:19,025
Meg, what you did back there,
29
00:01:19,025 --> 00:01:21,396
boxing out those students,
was quite impressive.
30
00:01:21,530 --> 00:01:22,231
Really?
31
00:01:22,331 --> 00:01:24,001
Have you ever considered
trying out
32
00:01:24,001 --> 00:01:25,337
for the girls basketball team?
33
00:01:25,337 --> 00:01:27,241
I've just taken the job
as head coach
34
00:01:27,341 --> 00:01:30,247
in an attempt to build character
for my upcoming divorce hearing.
35
00:01:30,347 --> 00:01:32,217
I thought you were
already divorced.
36
00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:35,157
I was.
I'm getting divorced again.
37
00:01:35,157 --> 00:01:36,392
Turns out the first bitch
38
00:01:36,392 --> 00:01:38,698
might've been right
about my misogyny.
39
00:01:44,108 --> 00:01:45,310
Hey, Stewie,
what are you watching?
40
00:01:45,410 --> 00:01:47,949
The most glorious website
of all time:
41
00:01:48,049 --> 00:01:49,251
YouTube.
42
00:01:49,352 --> 00:01:52,458
I only hope the site doesn't run
out of content for me to watch.
43
00:01:52,458 --> 00:01:54,630
You know, you should really
be careful on YouTube, Stewie.
44
00:01:54,630 --> 00:01:56,499
You never know
what's gonna pop up next.
45
00:01:56,499 --> 00:01:58,236
I mean, there's some
wild stuff out there.
46
00:01:58,370 --> 00:02:00,508
- Okay, boomer.
- I'm not a boomer, I'm Gen X.
47
00:02:00,608 --> 00:02:03,614
Brian, you save back issues
of Costco magazine.
48
00:02:03,714 --> 00:02:06,386
Uh, it's called
the Costco Connection,
49
00:02:06,486 --> 00:02:08,323
and it's how I get good deals
on cruises.
50
00:02:08,323 --> 00:02:09,626
Yeah, you're not
helping yourself here.
51
00:02:09,726 --> 00:02:12,498
Let's see.
"Suggested videos for you:
52
00:02:12,599 --> 00:02:15,237
"'Joe Rogan
interviews Boss Baby,'
53
00:02:15,237 --> 00:02:18,009
'Goodnight Moon:
Fact or Hoax?'"
54
00:02:18,109 --> 00:02:19,713
Whoa, listen to this one, Rupert.
55
00:02:19,813 --> 00:02:21,617
"The Truth About Naps."
56
00:02:21,717 --> 00:02:24,956
- I hate naps,
and I love the truth. - (tablet beeps)
57
00:02:24,956 --> 00:02:27,328
NARRATOR:
On March 7th, 1999,
58
00:02:27,328 --> 00:02:30,000
a resistance took place
at Tree House Day Care
59
00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:31,169
in Atlanta, Georgia,
60
00:02:31,302 --> 00:02:34,676
that would expose the truth
about nap time forever.
61
00:02:34,776 --> 00:02:37,716
Harold "Harry" Brockmeyer,
age three,
62
00:02:37,716 --> 00:02:38,751
refused to nap.
63
00:02:38,751 --> 00:02:41,924
He was not tired,
as he had slept 16 hours
64
00:02:41,924 --> 00:02:43,093
the previous evening.
65
00:02:43,093 --> 00:02:44,663
In fact, after lunch,
66
00:02:44,663 --> 00:02:47,101
he made a finger painting
that, to this day,
67
00:02:47,101 --> 00:02:49,606
still hangs on
his parents' refrigerator.
68
00:02:49,706 --> 00:02:52,846
Well, ho... ly (bleep).
69
00:02:52,946 --> 00:02:53,948
NARRATOR:
The fact is,
70
00:02:53,948 --> 00:02:55,317
naps only exist
71
00:02:55,417 --> 00:02:57,321
for the oppression
of young children
72
00:02:57,321 --> 00:03:00,494
and as a scam to give parents
time to themselves.
73
00:03:02,832 --> 00:03:04,268
Could it be true?
74
00:03:04,268 --> 00:03:06,139
Oh, I must get
to the bottom of this,
75
00:03:06,139 --> 00:03:08,143
like a hard-nosed
police detective.
76
00:03:08,143 --> 00:03:10,414
Jenkins, I'm taking you
off this murder.
77
00:03:10,414 --> 00:03:11,650
You're too close to the case.
78
00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:15,057
Okay, but what if I could get
further away from the case?
79
00:03:15,057 --> 00:03:17,027
- What do you mean?
- What if I could, like,
80
00:03:17,027 --> 00:03:18,798
not care who killed that family?
81
00:03:18,798 --> 00:03:21,737
Oh. Well, then you could stay
on the case, obviously.
82
00:03:21,837 --> 00:03:24,008
- As long as you don't care.
- Care about what?
83
00:03:24,008 --> 00:03:26,747
The ca-- Uh... Nice. (laughs)
84
00:03:26,747 --> 00:03:28,183
Get back to work.
85
00:03:31,222 --> 00:03:34,663
Okay, Stewie,
time to rest your little head.
86
00:03:34,663 --> 00:03:35,665
Here's your bottle.
87
00:03:35,665 --> 00:03:38,904
Mommy's gonna nap, too.
Sweet dreams.
88
00:03:48,123 --> 00:03:49,559
(cork pops)
89
00:03:52,097 --> 00:03:53,901
(gasps) She's not sleeping.
90
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:56,439
She's scrolling through
old photos of herself.
91
00:03:56,573 --> 00:03:59,178
This is exactly what the video
was talking about.
92
00:03:59,178 --> 00:04:02,284
Ugh, look how young I looked.
93
00:04:02,384 --> 00:04:05,490
Oh, my God, now she's retweeting
Hoover sponsored content,
94
00:04:05,490 --> 00:04:07,127
trying to get a free vacuum.
95
00:04:07,127 --> 00:04:09,365
Oh, and now she's scrolled past
a fundraiser
96
00:04:09,465 --> 00:04:11,870
for "Women of Iran,"
not even a "like."
97
00:04:18,349 --> 00:04:20,120
Hey, Quagmire.
What are you doing here?
98
00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,690
One of these gals turning 18?
99
00:04:21,690 --> 00:04:23,794
No, Peter. Believe it or not,
I actually care
100
00:04:23,794 --> 00:04:26,098
about Adam West High School
girls basketball.
101
00:04:26,098 --> 00:04:28,938
I'm a longtime fan of the sport,
and I find it relaxing here.
102
00:04:28,938 --> 00:04:30,240
It's never crowded.
103
00:04:30,340 --> 00:04:32,177
Just me and the goth kids
who come here
104
00:04:32,177 --> 00:04:33,681
to actively ignore the game.
105
00:04:33,781 --> 00:04:36,753
So then I said, "What do you
think of my hair now, Dad?"
106
00:04:36,753 --> 00:04:39,492
- What did he say?
- He said he loved me either way.
107
00:04:39,492 --> 00:04:40,360
Ass.
108
00:04:40,494 --> 00:04:42,799
This could be
that championship season.
109
00:04:42,799 --> 00:04:44,903
Finally get that team photo
up at Applebee's.
110
00:04:44,903 --> 00:04:47,007
Oh, God, I don't want
to get ahead of myself.
111
00:04:47,007 --> 00:04:49,546
I don't care about any of that.
Meg is trying out,
112
00:04:49,646 --> 00:04:53,286
and Lois made me come
because she says I'm her "dad."
113
00:04:55,090 --> 00:04:56,192
(whistle blows)
114
00:04:56,292 --> 00:04:58,631
Okay, Griffin, you're up next.
Take a shot.
115
00:05:07,047 --> 00:05:08,149
- (sighs)
- Yeah, no.
116
00:05:08,249 --> 00:05:09,519
I've seen enough, Griffin.
117
00:05:09,619 --> 00:05:11,523
I guess I was wrong about you.
118
00:05:13,527 --> 00:05:15,363
Hey, Meg, I can see your penis.
119
00:05:15,363 --> 00:05:17,669
- (laughs) She looked.
- She did look.
120
00:05:17,769 --> 00:05:18,971
(growls)
121
00:05:26,219 --> 00:05:27,421
(all gasp)
122
00:05:27,421 --> 00:05:29,793
What, are your feet nailed
to the ground? Jump.
123
00:05:33,968 --> 00:05:36,740
Well, okay. You're on the team.
124
00:05:36,740 --> 00:05:37,675
(excited laughter)
125
00:05:37,675 --> 00:05:40,013
All right!
I'm gonna go tell all the guys
126
00:05:40,113 --> 00:05:42,384
at the brewery, like Rudy's dad.
127
00:05:43,621 --> 00:05:46,827
(over P. A.): My daughter
made the basketball team.
128
00:05:46,827 --> 00:05:48,229
(cheering)
129
00:05:48,229 --> 00:05:51,102
I heard a lady fart while she
was pumping gas this morning.
130
00:05:51,102 --> 00:05:54,643
- (louder cheering)
- A lot, a lot to celebrate today.
131
00:06:02,892 --> 00:06:05,665
Come on,
where's the energy, ladies?
132
00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:07,969
And that was meant
to be an insult.
133
00:06:09,238 --> 00:06:10,608
Ow!
134
00:06:10,708 --> 00:06:13,346
What happened to the Meg
I saw in tryouts?
135
00:06:13,346 --> 00:06:14,783
Our first game is tomorrow,
136
00:06:14,783 --> 00:06:16,920
and the whole team
is counting on you.
137
00:06:17,020 --> 00:06:19,491
- Hey, Meg.
- They just let any strange adult
138
00:06:19,491 --> 00:06:20,661
in here anytime, huh?
139
00:06:20,761 --> 00:06:23,032
Yeah, well, the gym is not
connected to the main campus,
140
00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:25,905
so, uh... But listen, I think
I know what your issue is.
141
00:06:25,905 --> 00:06:28,076
You did much better
at tryouts, right?
142
00:06:28,076 --> 00:06:30,013
- Yeah.
- Well, what was different?
143
00:06:30,113 --> 00:06:32,484
My socks? Wait, no, no.
144
00:06:32,484 --> 00:06:34,589
- Still the same.
- Your dad was here.
145
00:06:34,589 --> 00:06:36,627
Do you think
Dad helps me play better?
146
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,231
"Help" is a more positive word
than I would use,
147
00:06:39,331 --> 00:06:40,200
but, technically, yeah.
148
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,772
Each time he heckled you,
you played well.
149
00:06:42,872 --> 00:06:44,876
I just wanted
to prove him wrong.
150
00:06:44,876 --> 00:06:47,080
Well, there's your spinach, Popeye.
151
00:06:47,180 --> 00:06:49,886
(laughs) Man, am I aging myself.
152
00:06:49,886 --> 00:06:51,990
All right, I'm gonna go
to the gym snack bar
153
00:06:51,990 --> 00:06:55,163
and buy a Dixie Cup
of Diet Pepsi for six bucks.
154
00:06:55,163 --> 00:06:57,100
It all goes
to the student council.
155
00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:00,073
Well, it-it sure goes
to somebody.
156
00:07:02,879 --> 00:07:05,618
COREY (over tablet):
What's up, little guys? I'm Corey.
157
00:07:05,618 --> 00:07:07,321
And today, I'm gonna
teach you how to navigate
158
00:07:07,421 --> 00:07:09,526
the dark web
and undermine the deep state.
159
00:07:09,626 --> 00:07:11,830
Stewie, it's 3:00.
Shouldn't you be napping?
160
00:07:11,830 --> 00:07:14,836
Done with naps.
My eyes are wide open now, Bri,
161
00:07:14,836 --> 00:07:17,240
- and they're never
closing again. - What's gotten into you?
162
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,944
I've been fed lies, Brian.
163
00:07:18,944 --> 00:07:21,683
Vaccine-laced breast milk
and lies.
164
00:07:21,783 --> 00:07:23,887
I recently watched
a video on YouTube...
165
00:07:23,887 --> 00:07:26,158
- Oh, here we go.
- ...and it proved naps were just
166
00:07:26,158 --> 00:07:28,797
invented by grown-ups
so that they can goof-off.
167
00:07:28,797 --> 00:07:30,568
- What?
- And it doesn't stop there.
168
00:07:30,568 --> 00:07:34,475
BabyTruther1776 explained
that my eyes
169
00:07:34,576 --> 00:07:38,149
won't stay like this
when I cross them. See?
170
00:07:38,249 --> 00:07:39,451
Slow down, Stewie.
171
00:07:39,451 --> 00:07:42,491
Yes, there are some white lies
that parents tell their kids,
172
00:07:42,592 --> 00:07:44,194
but that's because
it's for their own good.
173
00:07:44,294 --> 00:07:45,330
Yeah, right.
174
00:07:45,430 --> 00:07:47,502
That's probably what Britney
Spears' father tells her.
175
00:07:47,502 --> 00:07:49,305
Dad, can I have some cereal?
176
00:07:49,305 --> 00:07:50,675
There is no cereal.
177
00:07:50,775 --> 00:07:54,214
Now, jam in that IUD
and go make me some money.
178
00:07:54,315 --> 00:07:56,987
ANNOUNCER:
Family Guy: We're on Britney's side
179
00:07:56,987 --> 00:07:58,657
now that it's popular.
180
00:08:01,462 --> 00:08:03,199
(shoes squeaking)
181
00:08:03,299 --> 00:08:05,771
Here we go, Meg, here we go!
182
00:08:05,871 --> 00:08:07,709
- Are you recording this?
- I can't.
183
00:08:07,709 --> 00:08:10,113
I dropped my phone
down a bleacher slat.
184
00:08:10,213 --> 00:08:13,119
I hope I don't ruin
some teenage sexual encounter.
185
00:08:13,119 --> 00:08:15,891
TEEN:
Ow. The finger I was about to use.
186
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:21,636
Me! Me! Pass it to me. I'm open.
187
00:08:22,437 --> 00:08:23,907
(gasps)
188
00:08:24,008 --> 00:08:26,479
Hey, Meg, if that pass was HPV,
you would've caught it.
189
00:08:26,479 --> 00:08:27,481
(laughs)
190
00:08:27,481 --> 00:08:28,851
Peter, knock it off.
191
00:08:28,951 --> 00:08:31,222
No, no, trust me, Lois.
This works. Watch.
192
00:08:31,222 --> 00:08:33,426
Hey, Meg, every game you play
193
00:08:33,426 --> 00:08:35,931
is a game of "horse"
with that face.
194
00:08:36,032 --> 00:08:36,933
(laughs)
195
00:08:37,034 --> 00:08:39,138
(growls)
196
00:08:39,238 --> 00:08:40,206
(shrieks)
197
00:08:40,206 --> 00:08:41,977
(gasps)
198
00:08:45,016 --> 00:08:47,354
(cheering)
199
00:08:47,354 --> 00:08:49,391
Oh, boom goes the Babadook.
200
00:08:49,491 --> 00:08:51,195
See you on SportsCenter Top Ten.
201
00:08:51,328 --> 00:08:52,899
(to the SportsCenter jingle):
♪ Giggity. Giggity. ♪
202
00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:55,336
- Whoa. Was that our Meg?
- Hey, Meg,
203
00:08:55,336 --> 00:08:58,510
this is the closest you're
ever gonna get to hard wood.
204
00:08:58,510 --> 00:09:00,080
(growls)
205
00:09:03,921 --> 00:09:07,060
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but, Peter, you're right.
206
00:09:07,060 --> 00:09:09,599
Your insults
are making Meg play better.
207
00:09:09,599 --> 00:09:11,001
See? Told you.
208
00:09:11,001 --> 00:09:14,108
Meg's pronouns
are "yick" and "uch."
209
00:09:15,845 --> 00:09:18,182
Nice! Oh, this feels wrong,
210
00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:20,521
but I don't know
if I've ever seen Meg succeed
211
00:09:20,521 --> 00:09:22,290
at anything like this before.
212
00:09:22,290 --> 00:09:23,894
Lord, forgive me.
213
00:09:23,894 --> 00:09:26,365
Peter, Meg's nipples
are different sizes.
214
00:09:26,365 --> 00:09:27,835
Get her.
215
00:09:31,643 --> 00:09:33,179
PETER:
Wow, what a game!
216
00:09:33,179 --> 00:09:35,116
(sighs) Unbelievable.
217
00:09:35,216 --> 00:09:36,720
Just unbelievable!
218
00:09:36,820 --> 00:09:40,594
It feels so good knowing
I gave birth to a star athlete.
219
00:09:40,694 --> 00:09:42,965
Like... like really good.
220
00:09:43,065 --> 00:09:45,336
- Is this happening?
- Is what happening?
221
00:09:45,336 --> 00:09:47,575
First one to the bedroom
gets to be on the bottom.
222
00:09:47,575 --> 00:09:50,146
Stewie, honey,
don't come upstairs for a bit.
223
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:52,552
The floor is lava again.
224
00:09:52,652 --> 00:09:55,256
Wow, thank you, Lois.
225
00:09:57,194 --> 00:09:58,196
(grunts)
226
00:10:01,536 --> 00:10:04,274
♪ ♪
227
00:10:15,230 --> 00:10:16,733
(grunts)
228
00:10:20,006 --> 00:10:21,041
Rupert!
229
00:10:22,310 --> 00:10:24,181
(gasps)
230
00:10:24,281 --> 00:10:25,684
Another lie.
231
00:10:25,684 --> 00:10:27,588
That's not deadly lava.
232
00:10:27,588 --> 00:10:30,160
What? I didn't trip. You jumped.
233
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,665
Oh, suddenly the guy
who smokes two packs a day
234
00:10:32,665 --> 00:10:34,201
wants to live forever.
235
00:10:34,201 --> 00:10:36,606
(Lois and Peter laugh)
236
00:10:36,706 --> 00:10:39,044
And now to confront
the deceivers.
237
00:10:39,144 --> 00:10:41,182
Stewie, I don't think
you should go in there.
238
00:10:41,550 --> 00:10:43,352
Stewie, no!
239
00:10:43,352 --> 00:10:45,223
♪ ♪
240
00:10:48,396 --> 00:10:49,966
(Lois and Peter laugh)
241
00:10:53,172 --> 00:10:54,876
I'm David Hyde Pierce.
242
00:10:54,876 --> 00:10:58,316
I'm two layers down,
but I'm in there.
243
00:11:01,188 --> 00:11:04,762
In front of a startling
12% capacity crowd,
244
00:11:04,762 --> 00:11:06,800
the Adam West High Name Pending
245
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:09,004
Open Administrative Hearing
October Fourths
246
00:11:09,104 --> 00:11:11,576
find themselves
up big at the half.
247
00:11:11,576 --> 00:11:14,381
Oh, suddenly "The Fighty
Whities" is offensive?
248
00:11:14,381 --> 00:11:15,951
Take off the sweatshirt.
249
00:11:16,051 --> 00:11:17,087
(whistle blows)
250
00:11:22,899 --> 00:11:26,238
Hey, Meg, you play
like Kobe... beef.
251
00:11:26,238 --> 00:11:28,577
Jiminy Christma-- (coughs)
252
00:11:28,577 --> 00:11:30,113
- (weakly): What the hell?
- Uh-oh, Peter.
253
00:11:30,113 --> 00:11:32,150
Maybe you'd better take a break
from yelling for a bit.
254
00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:34,689
(hoarsely): Nah, it's fine.
Don't throw it to Griffin.
255
00:11:34,689 --> 00:11:37,127
She su...
256
00:11:37,127 --> 00:11:40,400
Oh, no, Peter lost his voice
at just the worst time.
257
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:43,005
- Butt scratcher!
- (raspy wheeze)
258
00:11:43,005 --> 00:11:46,412
Butt scratcher here!
Verbal confirmation only!
259
00:11:46,513 --> 00:11:47,782
(raspy wheeze)
260
00:11:47,782 --> 00:11:50,588
Two for a dollar,
but only if you holler!
261
00:11:50,588 --> 00:11:52,324
Butt scratcher!
262
00:11:52,424 --> 00:11:54,094
(raspy wheeze)
263
00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:58,804
Stewie? Buddy?
264
00:11:58,937 --> 00:12:00,808
Haven't seen you in a while.
265
00:12:00,908 --> 00:12:04,248
How you feeling after
the, uh, you know, incident?
266
00:12:04,348 --> 00:12:06,553
I have no idea
to what you're referring.
267
00:12:06,553 --> 00:12:08,055
You mean you don't remember?
268
00:12:10,594 --> 00:12:13,332
(high-pitched):
Leave Stewie alone. He's a good boy.
269
00:12:13,332 --> 00:12:16,405
Cute. But, come on, Stewie.
You want to talk about it?
270
00:12:16,506 --> 00:12:17,942
Stewie's not here right now.
271
00:12:18,042 --> 00:12:20,814
I'm Mrs. Padberry-Wilkerson.
272
00:12:20,814 --> 00:12:22,183
(Southern accent):
And I'm Boone.
273
00:12:22,284 --> 00:12:24,689
I'd be happy to talk
about seeing Pappy
274
00:12:24,689 --> 00:12:26,358
all up in Mama's guts.
275
00:12:26,358 --> 00:12:30,333
You know, sometimes
you just got to smash.
276
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:33,239
(high-pitched):
It's not polite to talk like that in front of Stewie.
277
00:12:33,339 --> 00:12:34,809
He's just a wee child.
278
00:12:34,809 --> 00:12:37,380
"In front of Stewie"?
You are Stewie.
279
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,353
(Southern accent):
Stewie's a tough sum'bitch. He can handle it.
280
00:12:40,353 --> 00:12:42,825
Could what you saw
in Peter and Lois's bedroom
281
00:12:42,925 --> 00:12:44,361
have been that traumatizing?
282
00:12:44,361 --> 00:12:46,599
(as Kermit the Frog):
Kermit the Frog here to smooth over
283
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,870
some confusing images
with rainbows.
284
00:12:48,971 --> 00:12:50,741
Stewie, I think
your psyche fractured
285
00:12:50,841 --> 00:12:52,511
into multiple personalities.
286
00:12:52,511 --> 00:12:54,749
(deep voice):
I don't have time for this. I got to go.
287
00:12:54,849 --> 00:12:56,920
- Who are you?
- I'm the Jase-Man.
288
00:12:57,020 --> 00:12:59,391
- I give purple nurples.
- CHRIS: Oh, hey, Stewie.
289
00:12:59,391 --> 00:13:01,663
Why are you putting on
a San Jose Sharks hat
290
00:13:01,763 --> 00:13:03,199
and pulling up my shirt?
291
00:13:03,299 --> 00:13:04,869
Ow, my nipple!
292
00:13:04,969 --> 00:13:07,207
Damn it, I hate the Jase-Man!
293
00:13:13,019 --> 00:13:15,958
Well, he lost his voice,
Dr. Hartman.
294
00:13:15,958 --> 00:13:18,897
He's just been screaming at
girls basketball games, and...
295
00:13:18,897 --> 00:13:20,400
I'm gonna microwave
my lunch right now,
296
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,872
but I just want you to know
I'm totally listening.
297
00:13:22,972 --> 00:13:25,276
Yeah, so, anyway, my husband
lost his voice, and...
298
00:13:25,376 --> 00:13:27,615
Sorry, what do you think?
20 seconds? A minute?
299
00:13:27,715 --> 00:13:28,984
It's half a calzone.
300
00:13:28,984 --> 00:13:30,621
30 seconds, then check it.
301
00:13:30,621 --> 00:13:32,057
- (buttons beep)
- (microwave whirring)
302
00:13:32,057 --> 00:13:34,996
Are you gonna help us?
He's barely been able to speak.
303
00:13:34,996 --> 00:13:36,766
He needs to rest his voice.
304
00:13:36,766 --> 00:13:39,471
He absolutely must not talk
for at least a week.
305
00:13:39,471 --> 00:13:40,941
If he tries to speak too soon,
306
00:13:40,941 --> 00:13:43,412
he could damage his vocal cords
and lose his voice forever.
307
00:13:43,513 --> 00:13:44,882
Oh, my God.
308
00:13:46,886 --> 00:13:48,489
What is it?
Is he trying to say something?
309
00:13:48,489 --> 00:13:51,830
No, he just wanted to show me
he drew a Garfield.
310
00:13:53,065 --> 00:13:55,436
That's a very good
Garfield, Peter.
311
00:13:55,537 --> 00:13:57,207
(microwave beeps)
312
00:13:58,476 --> 00:14:00,279
Ugh, not even close.
313
00:14:03,085 --> 00:14:06,058
All right, I'm checking to see
if WebMD can help us, Stewie.
314
00:14:06,058 --> 00:14:09,231
Okay, here it is.
"Multiple personality disorder,
315
00:14:09,231 --> 00:14:12,003
see also,
'Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.'"
316
00:14:12,103 --> 00:14:15,443
(old-timey gangster accent):
Sounds like this Stewie mope is gonna have a heart attack.
317
00:14:15,544 --> 00:14:17,982
Okay, it says here that
the first thing I need to do
318
00:14:18,082 --> 00:14:20,186
is talk to
the dominant personality.
319
00:14:20,186 --> 00:14:22,625
Is that Mrs. Padberry-Wilkerson?
320
00:14:22,625 --> 00:14:24,962
(high-pitched):
One moment, I think you want Rick.
321
00:14:24,962 --> 00:14:26,566
(normal voice):
Hi, I'm Rick.
322
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:28,570
Hey, Rick.
323
00:14:28,670 --> 00:14:30,039
Ow! What the hell, Stewie?
324
00:14:30,039 --> 00:14:32,077
It's Rick.
I'm just your average guy
325
00:14:32,210 --> 00:14:34,515
who likes to beat up dogs 'cause
it makes me feel in control
326
00:14:34,515 --> 00:14:36,953
when my wife and three daughters
emasculate me.
327
00:14:36,953 --> 00:14:39,391
Ah! Ah! (grunts)
328
00:14:39,391 --> 00:14:42,397
Stop! Wait! I want
Mrs. Padberry-Wilkerson back!
329
00:14:42,397 --> 00:14:46,105
(high-pitched):
Sorry, Mrs. Padberry-Wilkerson is in the loo.
330
00:14:46,105 --> 00:14:49,177
Ah! Bring back
that Southern guy.
331
00:14:49,277 --> 00:14:51,014
(Southern accent):
Sorry, I'm busy watching
332
00:14:51,115 --> 00:14:53,252
- Mrs. Padberry-Wilkerson
use the john. - Ah!
333
00:14:53,252 --> 00:14:55,891
Can I talk to someone else?
Literally anyone?
334
00:14:55,991 --> 00:14:57,695
(as Gilbert Gottfried):
I'm Gilbert Gottfried,
335
00:14:57,795 --> 00:15:01,603
and I was fired by Aflac
for no reason.
336
00:15:01,703 --> 00:15:03,573
Well, there-there
was some reason.
337
00:15:08,015 --> 00:15:10,119
I can't believe
Peter's lost his voice.
338
00:15:10,219 --> 00:15:11,956
How's he gonna insult Meg now?
339
00:15:11,956 --> 00:15:13,527
Well, I don't know
if it's gonna work,
340
00:15:13,627 --> 00:15:15,062
but he brought a whiteboard.
341
00:15:17,868 --> 00:15:18,870
Meg's got the ball.
342
00:15:18,970 --> 00:15:21,475
Peter, quick,
write something mean.
343
00:15:21,475 --> 00:15:25,049
"You're doing to this game
what R. Kelly did to all tho..."
344
00:15:25,149 --> 00:15:27,153
Yeah, no, no, I'm not saying
the rest of that.
345
00:15:29,525 --> 00:15:30,259
(whistle blows)
346
00:15:30,259 --> 00:15:32,197
(sighs) Peter, you're too slow.
347
00:15:32,197 --> 00:15:33,767
Let me try to give her
the business.
348
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:37,340
Uh, Meg, honey,
you used to walk pigeon-toed
349
00:15:37,340 --> 00:15:39,946
but got better
with the right shoes!
350
00:15:45,356 --> 00:15:46,358
(buzzer sounds)
351
00:15:46,458 --> 00:15:47,628
(crowd jeers)
352
00:15:47,628 --> 00:15:48,830
Well, that'll do it
353
00:15:48,930 --> 00:15:50,500
from the
Adam West High Gymnasium,
354
00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:54,675
where the home team goes down
in a nine-seven slugfest.
355
00:15:54,675 --> 00:15:56,813
We're so sorry, honey.
356
00:15:56,913 --> 00:15:59,217
Yeah, but it turns out
357
00:15:59,217 --> 00:16:01,789
our team is still advancing
to the championship game.
358
00:16:01,789 --> 00:16:03,125
- Really?
- Yeah.
359
00:16:03,225 --> 00:16:05,229
The other team was disqualified
from the league.
360
00:16:05,329 --> 00:16:07,535
I guess one of them
was Gilbert Gottfried.
361
00:16:07,535 --> 00:16:10,239
I have to do something.
362
00:16:13,045 --> 00:16:15,216
Y'all mind if I record this
363
00:16:15,216 --> 00:16:17,420
for teaching purposes
or whatever?
364
00:16:17,420 --> 00:16:18,322
Sure.
365
00:16:18,322 --> 00:16:20,259
Now, Mrs. Padberry-Wilkerson,
366
00:16:20,259 --> 00:16:23,098
can you tell me about
Stewie's "problem"?
367
00:16:23,098 --> 00:16:25,904
(high-pitched):
Well, it's not something a proper lady
368
00:16:25,904 --> 00:16:27,207
is used to talking about,
369
00:16:27,207 --> 00:16:29,444
but I believe
it was something he saw.
370
00:16:29,444 --> 00:16:31,481
(Southern accent):
What's the big deal? It's just sex.
371
00:16:31,481 --> 00:16:34,087
Mrs. Padberry-Winkie-Woo
is just a prude
372
00:16:34,087 --> 00:16:35,924
who's never gotten
enough "vitamin D,"
373
00:16:35,924 --> 00:16:37,728
if you know what I mean.
374
00:16:37,728 --> 00:16:38,763
(high-pitched):
Excuse me.
375
00:16:38,897 --> 00:16:41,769
I will have you know
I am a tigress in the bedroom.
376
00:16:41,769 --> 00:16:43,573
- This is ridiculous.
- Shh.
377
00:16:43,573 --> 00:16:46,946
I find the best thing to do
with multiple personalities
378
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:48,315
is to summon them all
379
00:16:48,315 --> 00:16:50,386
and let them work out
they differences.
380
00:16:50,386 --> 00:16:52,958
(Southern accent):
Oh, is that so, Miss Tigress?
381
00:16:52,958 --> 00:16:54,494
(high-pitched):
Quite right.
382
00:16:54,494 --> 00:16:57,133
(Southern accent):
How's about you hoist off them BVDs,
383
00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,237
and I do you
on a front yard couch?
384
00:16:59,337 --> 00:17:01,408
(high-pitched):
Why, Mr. Boone, you're terrible. Don't stop.
385
00:17:01,509 --> 00:17:02,678
(Southern accent):
I ain't gonna.
386
00:17:02,778 --> 00:17:04,247
- (moaning)
- Enough. Stewie.
387
00:17:04,347 --> 00:17:06,385
You're losing it because
you haven't napped in days.
388
00:17:06,385 --> 00:17:08,055
You're cranky. You're scared.
389
00:17:08,055 --> 00:17:10,159
Listen, what you saw
in Peter and Lois's bedroom
390
00:17:10,259 --> 00:17:11,729
is not what you think.
391
00:17:12,898 --> 00:17:16,506
It was just... Lois looking
very closely at the sheets
392
00:17:16,506 --> 00:17:18,275
so she could check
the thread count.
393
00:17:18,375 --> 00:17:22,685
And Peter was just...
cheering her on from behind.
394
00:17:22,685 --> 00:17:25,089
Really? That makes sense.
395
00:17:25,189 --> 00:17:26,526
I like that. Phew.
396
00:17:26,626 --> 00:17:28,663
Ah, I guess I really could
use a nap.
397
00:17:28,763 --> 00:17:31,603
Sometimes you just have to trust
what your parents tell you.
398
00:17:31,603 --> 00:17:34,976
- It's in your best interest.
- Yes, maybe you're right.
399
00:17:34,976 --> 00:17:38,349
(high-pitched):
Determining thread count with the naked eye would take hours.
400
00:17:38,349 --> 00:17:41,522
Your father walked out
after 30 seconds, apologizing.
401
00:17:41,522 --> 00:17:43,860
(normal voice):
Shut your tea and cake hole, woman.
402
00:17:43,860 --> 00:17:45,597
Let me roll with this lie.
403
00:17:53,613 --> 00:17:56,552
And we've got a tie
heading into the final moments
404
00:17:56,653 --> 00:17:58,623
of this championship game.
405
00:18:03,533 --> 00:18:05,938
Ugh, Meg is really stinking
out there.
406
00:18:06,038 --> 00:18:08,042
If only you still had
your voice, Peter.
407
00:18:08,142 --> 00:18:09,477
COMMENTATOR:
Meg Griffin has the ball,
408
00:18:09,578 --> 00:18:11,649
drives to the hoop,
and she's fouled by
409
00:18:11,649 --> 00:18:13,920
Exasperated Mouthguard Mary.
410
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:15,924
(muffled):
Come on, that's a charge!
411
00:18:16,024 --> 00:18:17,561
COMMENTATOR:
Meg Griffin will go to the line
412
00:18:17,561 --> 00:18:20,801
with two chances to win
this game for Adam West High.
413
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:22,905
Come on, you can do this.
414
00:18:23,005 --> 00:18:26,546
Everyone who's not looking at
their phone is counting on you.
415
00:18:28,883 --> 00:18:30,453
COMMENTATOR:
Oh, a wide miss.
416
00:18:30,453 --> 00:18:31,556
Come on, Meg.
417
00:18:31,556 --> 00:18:33,927
This is for immortality
on the Applebee's wall,
418
00:18:33,927 --> 00:18:37,100
right between the vintage
trumpet and the rusty stop sign.
419
00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:46,451
♪ ♪
420
00:18:51,194 --> 00:18:53,499
- Time-out.
- (whistle blows)
421
00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:55,904
COMMENTATOR: And Meg Griffin
is going up into the stands.
422
00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:58,108
Toddlers are roaming free
on the court.
423
00:18:58,108 --> 00:18:59,612
Nothing seems to matter.
424
00:18:59,745 --> 00:19:03,620
Dad, you have insulted me
every day of my entire life,
425
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,559
and now, the one moment
when I need it,
426
00:19:06,559 --> 00:19:08,329
you've got nothing?
427
00:19:08,329 --> 00:19:10,867
Well, guess what,
you tubby piece of crap.
428
00:19:10,867 --> 00:19:12,003
I don't need you.
429
00:19:12,136 --> 00:19:14,875
I'm gonna hit this shot without
your help, and when I do,
430
00:19:14,875 --> 00:19:16,679
I'm gonna experience more glory
431
00:19:16,779 --> 00:19:20,854
than you ever have in your
entire empty, pathetic life.
432
00:19:20,854 --> 00:19:23,258
(weakly):
Shut up, Meg.
433
00:19:23,392 --> 00:19:25,029
What did you say?
434
00:19:25,129 --> 00:19:27,133
Shut up, Meg.
435
00:19:27,266 --> 00:19:29,839
Peter, don't. You could lose
your voice forever.
436
00:19:29,839 --> 00:19:31,408
I still can't hear you,
437
00:19:31,408 --> 00:19:33,713
you sausage-fingered
human hernia.
438
00:19:33,813 --> 00:19:35,984
You listen to your father.
439
00:19:36,084 --> 00:19:38,155
From the bottom of my heart,
440
00:19:38,155 --> 00:19:41,629
I wish we'd never had you.
441
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:49,444
- There's my dad.
- (whistle blows)
442
00:19:49,444 --> 00:19:52,183
♪ ♪
443
00:20:04,140 --> 00:20:06,813
COMMENTATOR:
And Meg Griffin wins it!
444
00:20:06,913 --> 00:20:09,017
- (whoops)
- That's it for us at Adam West High.
445
00:20:09,017 --> 00:20:10,587
You're now going to
hear us run away
446
00:20:10,587 --> 00:20:12,457
because we're parked illegally
at the bank.
447
00:20:12,457 --> 00:20:14,427
- (microphone feedback squeals)
- WOMAN: That year,
448
00:20:14,427 --> 00:20:16,733
the team had its best season
in school history,
449
00:20:16,833 --> 00:20:20,239
despite being stuck with
a Xanax-addicted head coach.
450
00:20:20,339 --> 00:20:21,876
I'm Felicia Legette-Shepherd,
451
00:20:21,976 --> 00:20:24,481
and I won this voice-over
in the divorce.
452
00:20:31,763 --> 00:20:32,898
Come on, children.
453
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:36,706
Grab the dinner mints
off the check and let's go.
454
00:20:39,879 --> 00:20:41,916
♪ ♪
455
00:20:44,889 --> 00:20:46,158
Woof.
456
00:20:46,158 --> 00:20:49,832
That was an historic season. Historic.
457
00:20:51,536 --> 00:20:53,472
Excuse me.
I think my steak is overcooked.
458
00:20:53,472 --> 00:20:56,178
This is Applebee's.
It definitely was overcooked.
459
00:20:56,178 --> 00:20:59,718
ANNOUNCER:
Applebee's: Drink your blue drink and shut up.
460
00:20:59,768 --> 00:21:04,318
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