Original subtitles

Such a waste of a good life.

Aye. Tony was a...tragedy.

Look, why am I here? I'm just a workin' pleb noo.

Tomorrow is Tony's funeral service.

Bereavement celebration service.

And the Eager Beavers are taking care of all the costs and arrangements.

Why?

Because he gave his life trying to clean up this city.

You make it sound like he died a hero.

He was an arsehole who fell doon some stairs!

We can't all be popular like you.

And so his wife doesn't sue us.

I want you to make all the arrangements.

And in return...

..I'll give you your team leader position back.

With a 1% pay rise.

How dare you?

- 2%. - Where's my vest and radio?

Questions?

What is a bereavement celebration service?

Karaoke, backing dancers?

What kind of...

Stars In Their Eyes theme. Crazy.

I'm just sorry I won't be there to pay my respects.

You're no goin'?

I already had a personal day booked off.

- Oh. - Spa day.

I'm going for some deforestation.

Unless you think I should save the rainforest?

The r...

The...the rainforest?

The rainforest is always wet.

- Jock. - What?

I'd like to introduce you to Francesca.

Fran... Oh, Francesca. How you doin'?

Tony's widow.

I'm...very sorry for your loss.

I must admit, I've never been to a bereavement celebration service.

Tony loved music.

Every funeral director I contacted laughed when I said I wanted this.

Not us, though.

No. That's why I told my lawyer.

You give Tony the tribute he deserves.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I think I need a wee drink to settle my nerves.

Of course.

A free drink.

Did you arrange the singer?

Aye, Kaitlin's boyfriend and his singin' partner.

Oh.

You get a good deal?

No.

Oh, there they are now.

Alright, Matt? Good to see you again.

Yeah, you too, John.

It's Jock.

Is this, uh, the performance area?

Ohhh, yeahhh!

Do you hear that?

Yeah.

The acoustics are...not great.

For karaoke?

Karaoke is for amateurs. We are tribute performers.

Look, Matt, honestly, it's fine.

Look, don't you worry about it, my big, luscious llama.

We've got everything under control.

I'm gonna need a glass of iced water and a slice of lemon, for my larynx.

Kaitlin, maybe you should take them to the dressing rooms, eh?

Well, look, follow me.

Catch you later, Jim.

- It's John. - Jock.

- Jesus. - No, Jock.

No, I mean...

If she sues us...

Gonnae gie us a pint, Legend?

You alright?

That traffic cone Matt works wi' always has her nose up at me.

- Just cos you're better lookin'. - Oh, you're sweet, Legend.

Legend, I'll have a pint.

What?

What are you wearin'?

It's my uncle's suit.

Is he still in there, aye? You could fit a family of four in there.

- You no got your ain suit? - Of course I have.

But this is a magic suit.

Your uncle the magician?

The great Randolphy.

The guy on the telly?

No, the one fae Easterhouse.

But this...this is a fanny magnet.

That explains why it's stuck on you.

Very funny

Where's Jessica?

Are you pullin' out a' the stops, aye?

Well, she's worth it.

First time I saw her, I felt somethin'.

It's called an erection, Boab.

That's 3.20 for the pint.

One, two.

Two fifty.

Jesus Christ, no got anythin' bigger back there apart fae your arse?

I deserved that one.

The tribute performers want someone to set up the sound system.

I'll dae it.

You better magic up another 50, David Plain.

Can I get yous anything?

No, but allow me to get you...this.

What's this for?

Well, Jessica,

I like my women how I like my pints.

That can't be right.

Otherwise you'd be paying £150 a pint...shagger.

Look, I know what you think of me,

but I also know it's no true.

And in time, I'll prove it.

Mm. A man with patience. That's rare.

Unfortunately, that is true.

Look, men should just realise that good things come to those who wait.

Well, let me take your order, for I am a waiter.

God, waiter?

The only thing you're servin' up is a platter of shite.

You know, twice he's asked a lassie her name during sex.

What is the matter wae you?

It's for the greater good.

Last thing we need is you spreadin' your genital warts.

It wisnae warts!

It was a rash, no warts.

And you've blueballed me for the last time.

And I will have my vengeance.

- I seen you run away! - No, you never.

Good morning, good morning.

Afternoon.

G'noon, g'noon then.

What time does this shindig kick aff at?

It's no a shindig, Craw.

What...the hell are you wearing?

Jaikit, troosers, £12 oot the charity shop.

Crawford, you look like a blinking carrot.

Pardon?

Do you no think it's a wee bit...inappropriate?

What, cos of the tie?

They had a black one, it was £8. This grey one was only two quid.

- Grey? - Who's gonna really bother, anyhow?

That's a fair point, Craw.

I'm gonna get a pint.

If you see Tony's missus, tell her I want a word.

So, not only is he deaf as a post...

..but he's colourblind as well.

Pint, please, Legend.

Why d'you look so depressed?

You do know this isnae a six year old's birthday party.

Bereavement celebration service. Key word, celebration. So cheer up.

I think she's referrin' to your suit.

You look like a Chuckle Brother.

To me, to you.

Your shoes, they're... Why?

The guy in the charity shop says they bring out my personality.

Now where's Tony's missus?

I need to get that locker key aff her.

Locker? Tony's work locker?

Aye, I might need to gie her a bit of patter.

Woo her, you know?

Oh, woo her? You?

Ho, in ma heyday, I could charm the pants aff a nun,

wae a smile and a packet of raspberry ruffles.

Will you stop fidgeting?

You. Little Miss Beaver.

The barmaid just took a call about the canopies, and...

Who is that?

Oh, that's Crawford.

Why is he wearing that?

Eh...Elton John.

Elton John?

Aye, Elton John.

Elton. Eltzy. EJ, EJ.

You know, who Tony and Craw loved.

EJ this, EJ that.

EJ?

God, that's so cringe. So Tony.

So, you were saying?

Yes, the barmaid took a call,

and apparently the canopies are not coming.

None of them are coming.

- Back o' the... - Sh-sh-sh.

Do we really need the canopies?

Oh, I'm sorry. Can you guarantee it's not going to rain?

Are you in fact Carol Kirkwood fallen on very hard times?

Yes, we need the canopies.

No canopies, no service.

I've got one.

You've got one?

I've got two actually, in the house.

Just alang the road.

I'll...I'll take you.

Oh, no, no!

To be honest, I could really do with getting out of here for a moment.

After you, Francesca.

Oh, thank you.

EJ?

Well, it worked. She believed me.

Er, aye, but now he's on his own with her.

Oh! Oh!

Oh my God!

What are we doing here?

It's a favour, sexy.

Well, this is a freak show of a favour.

You're the freakiest little minx I ever met.

Look, what were you doing,

being all over that cleanin' pleb in front of me?

Oh, babe, I have to do that for her.

Look, our time will come. I promise.

My sexy little freak girl.

Well, look, I might be a freak in the sheets,

but I am a lady in the streets.

Oh, forget the sheets, my sexy little...bear fish muffin!

Bear fish?

Cos you know how to smack my salmon out the stream.

Oh God, yes! Oh yes!

Boab, give me that black wire out the box, would you?

Thanks.

Legend, the stockroom, I was just...

I know. They're terrible people.

If that lassie's tan got any mair orange,

she'd need permission aff the council to walk past a chapel.

And that guy.

Why's wee Kaitlin with that dipstick?

Oh, he's definitely a dipsticker.

What?

Legend, I need your advice.

Ah-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.

I'm no behind the bar.

Aye, well, you're still a barman.

A priest does not take confessional unless he's in the booth.

Legend, please.

Alright, alright.

What is it?

What if you knew something bad about somebody

and some other body, who you care about,

should know that bad something about that somebody,

but you cannae tell that other somebody

because they'll think you made that something up

to get back at them for something else?

Well, see when I lived in Manchester?

I once tried to pay my bar tab with Scottish money.

And the two lassies behind the bar argued wi' me

that that was not legal tender.

So I said to them,

"Well, why don't you go back to my place

"and we'll do some things that are possibly not legal

"but are definitely tender?"

And you know what?

We did.

That's got nothin' to do with what I'm talkin' about.

But I don't know what you're talkin' about.

But mine was a fuckin' good story.

'I love your suit.'

It's a lovely gesture. Tribute, really.

Uh-huh. So, Tony's locker key...

Do you know, Tony hated funerals.

He always thought they were so morbid.

That's why I wanted this to be a celebration.

I couldn't agree with you more. Black tie events should be outlawed.

So, Crawford, I... I hear you like EJ.

Excuse me?

I hear you love EJ.

Well, who doesn't?

I mean, he's not my personal favourite,

but, em, you are being very kind

so I suppose the least I can do is treat you on the way back.

Oh, well, at my age, I need to take any opportunity.

'All of this is weird for you too, right?'

'A Stars In Their Eyes themed funeral?'

No. No weird at all.

What is Stars In Their Eyes?

Oh, it's an old TV show.

It's a bit like if The X Factor was solely based in Blackpool,

or even Possil.

- Possil? - Blackpool, but without the lights.

Ah. I quite like Blackpool.

I quite like Possil.

To all things that are shit but good.

Speaking of things that are shit.

Hello.

Kaitlin, could I borrow your watch?

Do you think I'm stupid?

Naw.

I think my life would be a whole lot easier if you were. Please.

Right.

It's my one good watch, Boab.

Now, behold.

As you can see, beautiful watch.

As you can see, beautiful handkerchief.

But wait.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

- Very impressive. - Yes.

Aye, right, now gie's it back.

Well, I've actually just made it reappear on Matt's wrist.

- If you go to the stockroom... - Let me guess.

I open the door and a bucket of water falls on me?

No, honestly.

This is part of your revenge plot.

Will you just trust me?

Last lassie you said that to needed a morning after pill.

That was different.

Jessica, can you gie us a minute, please?

Look, there's something I need to tell you.

Boab, what is it?

Matt's cheating on you.

I seen them gettin' it on in the stockroom.

Are you gonna slap me?

No.

They slaps were for a mate.

Mates don't lie like that.

Kaitlin. Kaitlin, I wisnae lyin'.

Kaitlin?

Can I have the rest of your pint?

What's that?

The costumes for the dancers. Are you sure these are gonna fit?

I don't know. I've never met...

Kaitlin!

Do you know these dancers?

No, they're Zoey's friends.

Will they fit?

Look, Zoey told Matt the sizes. Matt told me, I told you.

Fine. Can you gie them to Matt?

This bloody idiot dragged me all the way to his house

and offered me...

..that.

- Oh... - Craw!

Canopy.

Canopies.

- For the rain. - Oh.

And then on the way back, he asked me for a...

..BJ.

I never. She... You offered me!

No, I offered you EJ. EJ, as in Elton bloody John!

Aye, Craw.

Elton John, who you and Tony love.

I thought you meant BJ, as in blow...

Billy Joel!

Billy Joel?

Mm-hm.

Oh, Billy Joel, that guy that sang that song, that...

That's the one.

Right, Craw, why don't you go and get yourself a pint, eh?

And for the love of God, book in to get your ears syringed.

Sorry about the mix up.

What about Tony's locker key?

Not the time.

Matt, the dancers' costumes have arrived.

Oh, hey!

Uh...

Uh, perfect.

Just put it down there, please. Thanks.

Aye. What are you doin'?

Uh, just some vocal warm ups.

Listen, Matt, I need to talk to you about something.

I know I'm probably being...

Sw...sweetheart.

Could I please trouble you for a glass of water

with some...lemon in it, please?

It's...it's the dust in here. It's, uh...

Yeah, aye. Sure.

Matt, why are your trousers on the floor here?

Uh, well, they're...

Uh, because I was doing some stretches

and some...extensions.

And your lucky pants?

Well, the pants...

Where's the tangerine?

Tangerine?

Nae canopies could be a good thing.

What do you mean?

Well, people paying their respects outside,

it's no even a nice day.

Which is why we need the canopies.

The point I'm making is keep Tony inside with us, with the celebration,

and once people pay their respects, the party can start.

Jock can make a speech.

Once everyone's arrived, and we can set up chairs inside,

people can pay their respects.

And when the celebrations begin, the drinks are flowing,

everyone can have fun.

You'll make a speech?

Do you have something prepared?

Speech? I...

But when it comes from the heart, you don't need a script.

Right, Jock?

You know, Tony was very lucky to have you as a friend, Jock.

Speech? I... I cannae.

I can't... I don't...

I didn't even like Tony!

I didn't even like the guy.

Don't speak ill of the dead.

Right, that's your sound system workin'.

Eh, you're gonna need a soundcheck, but the Legend does not sing.

Why does it always get tangled?

Double whisky, eh, Jessica.

Oh, I know how you feel.

All mornin' I've been goin' over what I needed to do today.

Carefully plannin'.

Thinkin'.

And one simple mishearin' of a word...

..goes and ruins it all.

I'm scared to ask, but what are you talking about?

- Tony's locker key. - What's so special about his locker?

His is at head height and mine is at the bottom.

Do you have a bad back or something?

No, but every time I go into it, I get...

..canoochied.

What's canoochie?

Canoochie!

Agh! McShane, ya bass!

Canoochie!

Canoochie, Crawford!

Oh, shut up, Crawford!

The beaver poked your arse?

Hey! The beaver? That's my auntie.

Sorry, did Jessica's auntie, the beaver, poke your arse?

The beaver's your auntie?

Her name is Sharon,

and boss or no boss, I don't like people talking shit about her.

Testing, testing. One, two, three.

# It's been a long time, honey

# It's been a long time, it's true #

That is a beautiful song.

Aye.

Listenin' to her up there singing' makes me think to myself...

# Love with you #

..I'd pump her.

Boab.

I'm being ironic, man. She's horrible.

Eh, Boab.

You're misunderstanding me here,

I'd rather staple my baws to the table.

For fuck's sake.

What? What?

That's her auntie.

The one she's livin' wae.

Oh...fuck.

Matthew!

Stage performance is off.

Oh my God.

Whit?

It...it's off? What's happened?

People are going to start arriving in 15 minutes. Why is it off?

Jessica, calm down.

Oh!

When, in the entire, full, rich history

of lack of calm mitigation techniques has telling someone to calm down

ever actually led them to calming down?!

- One time I did. - People are arriving.

Why don't you make sure they get to their seat

and...and we'll take care of this?

Hey, did anybody see the size of that boy's tadger?

See it? Fuckin' winked at me on the way oot.

Kaitlin, are...are you alright?

Guess you were tellin' the truth, eh, Bob?

What truth?

I'm so sorry. I've ruined the whole thing.

Nothing is ruined.

We've no got a singer, so it kinda is.

We still have the dancers. We can make do.

The dancers are Zoey's friends. They're no comin'.

I can sing.

Legend, can you host?

I can manage that.

I'll be a dancer.

Let's go, people are starting tae arrive.

Boab.

Yes?

I had friends that never told me that my boyfriend cheated.

What you did was pretty decent.

Get out of the way, McShane.

Jock, what're you waiting for?

I cannae... I don't know what to say.

Look... Look, start with a joke.

Then say something sweet about how...how you'll always remember him.

Em, then wrap things up by telling...

..telling everyone to have a drink.

Look, if this fails, we...we all go under.

I need you to be a real leader.

It's your company. How do you no go up and dae it?

Because she hates me, and...

..I'm not the most...personable.

Aye, well, that's true.

I'm...

I'm asking for your help here, Jock.

Hello. Um...

Thank all for being here. Um...

Uh...

I'll never forget what I said when...when Tony kicked the bucket.

I said "I bet I could kick it further!"

You know, eh, Tony...Tony was by the book.

And I think we all just wanted to go "Bye, book!"

Tony was very much...

..very, very much a company man, you know?

In it for the company.

You know, let's do it together.

And to be honest,

every time I would hear this, I'd think 'what a lot of shite'.

But I can honestly say,

after everything through this experience,

that I think I've finally learned what was meant by all that.

That makes no sense.

And that is what made Tony no just a good team leader...

..but a good man.

- So, for Tony... - Tony.

..for Tony...

Chop chop.

Dearly bedraggled, we are gathered here today

in this church of inebriation

to celebrate the memory of our Tony...

# DANCE

..with one of his favourite things, Stars In Your Eyes.

# I feel alive

"Real Love 2002" by The Time Frequency

# One, two, one, two #

# Take me higher #

Oh, shut up!

# Give me real love

# Give me what I need

# And together we can take it higher

# You make me feel so good when you're near

# Just like I knew you would

# I feel alive #

Argh!

# I feel alive

# I feel alive

# I feel alive

# I feel alive

# I feel ali-li-li-li-li-li-live #

Here.

To more things that are shit but good.

# One, two, one, two #

subtitling@stv.tv

# I feel alive

# I feel alive #