Original subtitles

Mornin', lads.

Come on, it's gonna be a great day. Let's get this loaded up.

Come on, let's get going, eh?

Shut up, McShane!

That's McShane's team away.

We're the only ones left.

Why are we the only ones left behind?

Told you. Frank's been sacked.

How would you know?

Because Jock, women, unlike men, are perceptive.

We have intuition.

Bullshit.

Still got that cough, Boab, aye?

Comes and goes.

Clearly you've been sucking the wrong kinda Fisherman's Friend.

"This is unacceptable, I twisted hunners of arms for the Eager Beavers

"to get these contracts, by the way."

Look, it was a misstep.

There's no need to soak the whole company with the same dirty mop,

not on the account of a few bad mop heads.

"A few whit?"

I mean, one. One. One bad mop head.

"Complaints make my judgement look rotten.

"I put that many words in for you I needed a thesaurus.

"I had to buy a book, Sharon!"

Look, there's a reason that we are called the Eager Beavers,

cos beavers are known as some of the hardest workers...

"Don't gie us your fancy antidotes

"or you'll be in the Clyde swimmin' with the fishes."

Don't you mean sleeping with the...

"Just get it sorted. RFN! Or I promise..."

Right... ..now.

"..they'll be the last piss stained stairs you ever clean, hear me?"

Of course. All the best with the election, councillor.

"Cheery-bye."

Get Jock in here.

Good morning, everyone.

Mornin'.

Rhona, has Frank been sacked?

I'm not at liberty to say at the moment.

Jock, you're wanted in the office. Have a nice day, all.

I would like you to explain...

..this.

Oh, there's Frank.

Mm-hm.

And he's moppin' away. Er...

Oh, he's, uh... Oh, he's takin' his overalls doon.

Well, look, he might have been hot, so... Ahhh, aye.

He's peein' in the bucket. Well, look, as long as he doesnae...

Yeah...aye.

He's moppin' the flair wae it.

The council has been flooded with complaints from tenants.

Flooded.

This is not a joke, Jock.

I have just had to grovel on the most humiliating call of my life

and all because Frank has left a trail of high rises,

and I quote, "honkin' of pish".

Well, it's no ma fault. It's no me on those recordings.

Well, you're his team leader.

Either you didn't report this

or worse, you didn't even realise what was happening.

Hand over your vest and radio.

Why? Am I gettin' a new one?

I don't know where I went wrong with you lot.

I give you a well paying...

..full-time job, where you are treated with respect...

Ha!

..and dignity.

Is it about Frank gettin' the sack?

Oh, shut up, Crawford!

Frank got the sack because he's an arsehole.

As of now, every one of you is under review.

A, B, C.

A, always.

B, be.

C, cleaning.

Always be cleaning.

Team 141, I would like to introduce you to your new team leader.

Tony!

Excuse me.

My outlook on life is simple.

Dance before the music is over.

Live before your life is over.

Most importantly, work your arse off before your shift is over.

If I can borrow from my hero, Elton John,

don't shoot me,

I'm only the team leader.

She's the company owner. Shoot her.

We're already running behind.

Let's go. Chop chop!

Crawford, get up, ya lazy bastard.

You've done nothin' all mornin'.

You want to gie that a rest an' a'.

Tony catches you wae that, you'll be up the dole wae Frank.

Boab, son.

As long as we watch each other's backs,

there's nothin' that jobsworth can dae to break us.

Solidarity, Boab.

Solidarity.

Robert!

What do you think you're playing that?

What...what do you mean?

You're standing playing on your phone while Crawford does all the work.

No, I amnae.

Bone dry.

How do you clean a floor with a bone dry mop?

That's why this team's a shambles.

And I'm here to sort this mess out.

Do you want to gie me a bit of backup here, Crawford?

Eh, there is an innocent explanation.

Which is?

The reason Boab's mop's dry is because I says I would come up

and make a quick start wi' the mop

if he brought the equipment up.

Exactly.

And if you never came chargin' in here,

like a...a pitbull in a Chinese shop,

with your baseless accusations, then you would know that.

Where is the wet floor sign?

The what?

If he got the equipment, then where is the wet floor sign?

The wet floor sign? That's a good question.

Boab?

In the van?

No more phones during working hours,

and there'll be wet floor signs on the wet floors.

That's how people slip and fall.

And snap their necks.

Hand over the phone.

And go get the wet floor sign. Well?

Chop chop!

'You alright?'

What d'you mean?

You're no longer team leader. It's kinda emasculating.

What? What...what...

What...what have I really lost, eh?

Other than being responsible for you lot.

Responsible? You?

Ho, you've nae idea how many times I've had tae go in the office

and take the heat for the stunts yous lot have pulled.

All I know is it wisnae me.

That is no ma fault.

Wisnae me.

I take full responsibility.

Really?

No! It's nothin' to dae wi' me.

What are you two doing?

Just a quick fag break.

Indoors?

Who do you think you are?

You're not entitled to extra breaks just because you smoke.

Where are the wet floor signs?

The whit?

The wet floor signs for the friggin' wet floors.

Calm doon. We don't need them.

You care to explain why?

- Uh... - Maybe we should just show him.

Visual demonstrations are much easier to process.

Oh, mind your step there, tenant of the high rise,

the floor is wet.

Oh, thank you, good sir.

And keep up the good work.

End scene.

Ha, ha...

..ha.

Let me give you two a visual demonstration.

Tenant of this high rise steps off the lift

with their only child.

You two have already moved to the next floor.

So no warning is available.

Slips, falls, neck snaps.

Dies in the arms of said child.

And you two have to explain at that funeral

why that child has to grow up in an orphanage.

That wisnae really a visual demonstration.

Yeah, you would have to slip, fall and break your neck.

That wouldnae happen on our landing.

No.

I'm team leader.

And under my leadership,

there'll be no more fag breaks.

And you'll place wet floor signs on the wet floors. Clear?

Clear.

Chop chop.

Listen to this.

A 40 year old teacher got caught shaggin' a pupil.

Dirty bastard!

They should castrate him.

It was a woman.

The teacher was a woman and the pupil was...

Jammy wee shite!

Er, how's it any different cos the teacher's a woman?

See when I was 14,

I used to fantasise every night about shaggin' my teacher.

Boab, you were home-schooled.

Guys, come on!

ABC!

A, always.

- B, be... - We're on our tea break.

You only get 15 minutes.

We're two hours ahead and we've only one mair mission left.

It'll increase productivity if we change the teams.

Increase? You want to increase?

Until there ain't no high rise high enough,

ain't no stain low enough,

ain't no landing wide enough.

Sounds familiar...

So get to it!

Are you forgetting something?

The wet floor signs, for...

Wet flairs.

Chop chop!

# CHEERFUL UPBEAT

Hand up.

Tony, I don't need you to show me the correct watter-bleach ratio.

Are you sure?

Because the rest of the team got it wrong.

That is no my fault. I've showed them a number of times.

Well, show me.

- It's two eighths to a half brim... - Is wrong.

It's four eighths to the half brim, or a quarter to the third line.

That's what's in the handbook.

That ratio is more slippy. Two eighths to a half...

Is wrong. Wrong. Wrong. The wrong ratio!

But...but...but...

But no in a practical sense.

When you get a practical handbook authorised,

then we'll use a practical sense.

But until then, you'll use four eighths to the half brim.

Are we clear?

Are we clear?

Aye.

Good.

Four eighths to the half brim.

Chop chop.

Chop chop.

That was a good effort today, guys.

It was good, but not what I want yet.

What dae you want?

I want to work in that team that never sleeps,

and find I'm team leader on top of the heap.

I'll go debrief the boss, eh?

When he says debrief the boss, does he mean pull down her pants?

I'm absolutely shattered.

Aye, you look how I feel.

Well, you better feel fantastic then, ya manky wee dick.

We did an extra two high rises on our missions the day.

An extra two!

- Aye, thanks for that, Jock. - Thanks a lot

You've proper done us over.

- Me? Aye.

If you were a better team leader, you wouldn't have got demoted.

Idiot!

That was no ma fault!

No. It's no your fault, Jock.

Thank you.

It's mine.

If I'd been wearing Paco Rabanne back in '85,

I'd have been the man that pumped your maw

the night you were conceived.

And I'd have brought you up to be a better team leader.

Yous want to go for a pint?

'Oh, perfect timing.'

Councillor Sam, the man I was telling you about, he's just come in.

Tony, tell us how your first day went.

Completed an extra two missions,

so that's a 30% increase on productivity.

But, there's room for more!

They have some bad habits needing stamped out!

Did you hear that?

Did I not tell you he was the best?

"I don't need you to dress it up so it's prettier than a camel's arse."

- Don't you mean a horse's? - "Whit?"

The saying, I think it's 'prettier than a horse's arse'.

"What's so pretty about a horse's arse?"

Anyway, look, our problems are over.

"They're no our problems. They're yours.

"And if any mair appear on my desk,

"you and your Eager Beavers'll be swimmin' with the fishes.

- "Do you hear me?" - Of course.

"Cheery-bye."

You should tell him it's sleeping with the fishes.

Aye, I have.

Brad Pitt's Barse? Who the fuck names these horses?

15 to one, that'll do though.

Three pints, Legend.

Oh, keg's getting changed.

Take a seat, I'll bring it over when it's done.

Who's changing it if you're up here?

New barmaid.

What? New barmaid? Where?

Is she a belter?

She's a belter, in't she?

That's why they call you Legend.

So you've got a new lassie doon there changing a keg

while you're here reading the paper?

Kaitlin...

I'm a feminist.

Which means I believe that a woman can change a keg.

Aye, alright, you calm yoursel' doon, preenin' yoursel'.

Shaggin' you is like reheatin' last week's chippy for dinner.

Forget it, it's no gonnae happen for you.

You're just sayin' that cos I've no tried it on with you.

Aye, we both know how that'd go.

Clearly we don't.

Alright, show us then.

Oh, sounds like a challenge.

Go on, show her what you're made ae, shagger.

Alright, sweetheart. Do you like magic?

Why?

Want to see me pull somethin' out my troosers?

That's no what I meant! I meant money for the round, man.

That is what I meant.

Are yous no gonnae offer me a pint?

You're no pretty enough to be this stupid.

Alright, maybe you're right. It is ma fault.

It's just, we always have such a laugh workin' thegether

that we're the perfect team.

Well, with the exception of Frank.

Ohhh!

Frank!

Oh, Frank!

Frank!

He did piss himsel' a lot, didn't he?

I should've had a better balance of havin' a laugh

and makin' sure the job was done right.

Just get that vest back aff Tony.

We good?

Legend, another pint of your finest for our colleague.

Sorry about the wait.

Put them right there.

I hear you're strong enough to change a keg.

Baptism of fire, eh?

Well, I'm Kaitlin, and that's Jock, Crawford,

and this is Boab.

It's a meet to pleasure you.

A what?

It's a pleasure to...

Eh...

Pleasure to...

Legend says you've just moved here?

I did. I'm...I'm living with my auntie.

Mm. What did you do back in, em...?

About eight years of web design.

Lookin' for spiders?

I better get back to it.

Um, it was a meet to pleasure yous all.

Oh, would you get a grip?

Oh, I will get a grip. A right good grip.

"Eh, it was a meet to pleasure you." Aye, smooth, shagger. Smooth

Well, you put me aff my game, didn't you?

If you'd just let her put down the pints, I'd have got a swatch...

..of her servin' technique.

Ah, what's the plan then, Boab?

Just be myself.

Oh, aye, Operation Failure? Good one

Look, I've just laid down the foundations.

Let her know I'm a lovable rogue.

Gie her a bit of Boab before she gets the boabie.

Wee bit mair tense than usual, Kaitlin.

Oh, shut up, Crawford. I need a smoke.

This is what happens when you lose your vest.

I am not giving you my number.

How no?

Cos your nickname's the shagger.

- What? - Everyone calls you 'the shagger'.

Look, it's one of they ironic nicknames.

It's like... It's like calling a fat guy 'slim'.

Or calling a total gentleman...

..shagger.

'Come on!'

- How no? - Wind your neck in.

You love a wee bargain.

Aye, no aff o' you, I don't.

Oh! Fancy meetin' yous boys here, eh?

What is it you want?

Another sale of the century

Like they designer denims you selt me last time?

Aye, what were they, Craw? Hugo, Ralphs, Calvins?

No, they were just labelled 'designer' in marker pen.

Aye, and that time you told me you'd get a case of Lynx deodorant

aff the back ae a lorry.

Oh, aye, 20 cans for a fiver. Good deal.

Till I learned it was Links, L-I-N-K-S.

Gave me rashes and I smelled like a sausage.

You smell like a sausage anyway, big man, but that's by the by.

Listen, what I have in my back pocket

is what's gonnae make up for it all.

Check that out.

Fire that right in the back of your telly

and you've got over 500 channels, pay per view an' a'.

Aye, every one of them in Spanish?

- Ay, ay, ay, no me gusta. - Ay, ay, ay, no es bueno.

That means sling your hook, ya chancer.

What's got into yous mob, eh?

Oh, here, Legend!

Wait till you see what I've got for you!

I think I'm due an exception.

Why?

Cos you assumed I was some dirty, perverted, sex-crazed Louis Mario.

Do you mean Lothario?

Is that the guy that slept with all the women?

I can't decide whether I find you cute or stupid.

Why not both?

I'll tell you what.

If, and only if...

Oh, shagger! What's happenin'? Here, I've been lookin' for you.

Here's that collection you asked for. Eight and a half gigs, by the way.

Everyone I Did Last Summer and A Clockwork Orgy are magic.

School Of Cock's no too bad either.

But here, you might have warned me Womb Raider was that kinda kinky.

I mean, she electrifies the guy's baws!

Oh, you are one dirty, filthy, shaggin' bastard, so you are.

Never change, shagger. Never change!

Ooh!

How'd it go?

Plenty mair fish in the chippy, Boab.

I can recover fae this.

Kaitlin, put in a good word, will you?

Kaitlin.

- Kaitlin? - Oh, sorry, what?

Dreamin' about my magic trick, were you?

It'll take mair than an abracadabra for women to see your wee willy.

Speaking of dicks I'd like to make disappear,

you better square things with that Tony.

'You must feel much better, working on the corporate contracts.'

I know I do.

Ahhh. This is the life!

A, B, Cs.

Right, I want this wrapped up in 10 minutes.

Chop chop!

Tony.

You need to have a look at how you're treatin' this team.

In what way?

I just mean, to start with, you don't need to be so strict

with the little things.

Little things?

Aye.

If we're workin' and talkin', we're still workin'.

If we're two hours ahead of schedule,

what's wrang with havin' an extra five minutes on our break?

And there's nae need to be so condescendin',

showin' people moppin' techniques or the correct bleach balance to use.

And another thing.

For the love of God, stop wae the 'chop chop'.

You don't get extra breaks.

You get paid by the hour.

Kaitlin is not taking fag breaks.

Robert is not on his phone.

You're not wasting time chit chatting.

Look how much shinier the floor is with the correct bleach-water ratio.

And here we are!

Rather than in the trenches of the high flats.

And you have me to thank.

Results are far more important to me

than being liked.

Where are the wet floor signs?

When I get back, the wet floor signs better be on the wet floors.

That's how people slip.

Chop chop.

Argh!

We should probably phone an ambulance, eh?

Let us have a fag first, eh?

Well, it's back to the old bleach-watter ratio.

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