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Today, Britain
stands at a fork in its crossroads.
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00:00:07,210 --> 00:00:09,810
And its people are asking
questions.
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00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:13,250
Now we've got our country back
what actually is it?
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00:00:13,250 --> 00:00:15,410
Who are we? And why?
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00:00:16,530 --> 00:00:19,450
The best way to find out where
Britain's heading is to
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00:00:19,450 --> 00:00:22,810
look behind us
into something called "history"
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00:00:22,810 --> 00:00:25,650
a sort of "rear view mirror"
for time.
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00:00:25,650 --> 00:00:27,370
So that's where I'm going.
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Back there.
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It's a journey that'll take me
the length
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00:00:31,010 --> 00:00:33,490
and width of the country,
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00:00:33,490 --> 00:00:35,570
from the white cliffs of Dovver
to the
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00:00:35,570 --> 00:00:38,570
Scottish high lands
of the Scottish Highlands.
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00:00:38,570 --> 00:00:42,730
On my odyssey, I'll be starting
sentences in one location,
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00:00:42,730 --> 00:00:45,450
and finishing them in another.
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00:00:45,450 --> 00:00:48,450
And looking at some of the biggest
faces in British history,
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00:00:48,450 --> 00:00:51,050
and asking other people's
faces about them.
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00:00:51,050 --> 00:00:55,370
Henry didn't get arrested after
he killed his first wife, did he?
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00:00:55,370 --> 00:00:58,770
What sort of mistakes did the Tudor
police make that led him
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00:00:58,770 --> 00:01:00,250
to kill again?
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All of it taking place in this
skepterred isle we call home.
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00:01:04,250 --> 00:01:07,370
So join me, Philomena Cunk,
as I take you right up
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the history of The United Britain
of Great Kingdom.
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00:01:09,850 --> 00:01:12,970
This...is Cunk On Britain.
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00:01:26,290 --> 00:01:29,450
Last week we discovered how God
invented Britain,
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who the Romans were, and why
we went to war with the roses.
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But that was just the beginning.
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By the time the Wars of the Roses
ended, Britain was literally
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on the map, somewhere near the top,
showing how important it was.
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The British had a firm grasp
of the solid parts of the country,
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like this rock, but there was a load
of stuff round the edges that
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wouldn't do as it was told.
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It was wet.
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It was full of fish.
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And it wouldn't make up its mind how
close to the rock it wanted to be.
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00:02:03,970 --> 00:02:07,970
In this episode, I'll discover how
Britain came to rule the waves
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and invent the Umpire.
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It's a story about events
beyond Britain's coastline.
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So I'll be using the C-word a lot.
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Sea.
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HARPSICHORD MUSIC
This is Hampton Court Palace,
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a building so impressive it has to
be accompanied by harpsichord music.
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These days Hampton Court is open
10.00 till 4.30 in the winter,
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10.00 till 6.00 in the summer,
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with last entry to the maze
45 minutes before closing.
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Prices start at �18.40 per adult
and �9.20 per child.
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A family ticket will set you back at
least �32.30 - unless you're buying
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that ticket in the 15th century,
and your family name is Tudor.
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But what do we mean by the word
"Tudor"? Let's ask an expert.
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What do we mean by the word "Tudor"?
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00:03:03,210 --> 00:03:06,170
Er... The word "Tudor"
is quite controversial
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because the Tudors, at the time,
didn't call themselves "Tudor".
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00:03:11,450 --> 00:03:15,890
Tudor is the family name,
the Welsh family name,
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of the ancestors on the father's
side of King Henry VII
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but the only person who calls
Henry VII "Henry Tudor"
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is Richard III when he's trying to
stop him becoming king.
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And he uses the name "Tudor" just
to mean "this is some random Welsh
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"person, rather than an appropriate
person to replace me as king".
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So the Tudors don't use the name
Tudor very much at all.
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Some people refer to it as being
their family name later on.
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Sorry, I had that thing you know
where you just,
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your brain stops listening?
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If the Tudors were the Kardashians
of their time, this was their Kim -
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Henry of Eight, the kingiest
king who ever kinged over Britain.
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If you had to draw a king,
you'd definitely draw him.
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Although maybe not as well as this,
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unless you're a 16th century
portrait artist.
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00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:05,250
But what was
so great about Henry of Eight?
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Why is he the king
we all still remember, unlike, say,
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Richard V.
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Well, for one thing he was fat, so
he takes up more room in the memory.
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But Henry's also memorable
for his chronic wife addiction.
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He had six wives -
all called Catherine.
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He was a Catherine-aholic.
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Or "Catholic" for short.
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He got through so many Catherines
he actually got bored of killing
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them, and had to invent a new way of
getting rid of them, called divorce.
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The Pope hated divorce,
so Henry decided to divorce him.
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He took back control, broke with
Europe, and made up a new religion,
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which it turns out is easier to do
than Popes like to pretend.
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Henry created the Church of England,
didn't he?
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And did he have to find
a British Pope?
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He didn't need to find
a British Pope.
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You could just have bishops.
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You can just use the bishops
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and people that you've
got in there already.
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If you had to find a British Pope
now, who would you go for?
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You couldn't use
the Archbishop of Canterbury?
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00:05:06,570 --> 00:05:07,970
No. You have to have someone else.
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Someone from without the church.
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Yeah, like Matt Baker,
off The One Show.
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Erm...so that... So you...
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00:05:14,330 --> 00:05:17,050
Matt Baker off the One Show...
He's not an obvious choice, you see.
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That's why I think he'd be good.
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But the more you think about it,
the more it makes sense.
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Henry of Eight kept having
a go on new wives
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because he wanted a boy to pop
out of one of them.
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00:05:26,690 --> 00:05:29,290
And eventually one did -
called Edward.
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00:05:29,290 --> 00:05:34,090
When Henry died, Edward became king,
aged just nine years old.
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Edward died aged 15 - the youngest
anyone had ever died of old age.
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He was followed as king
by Lady Jane Grey.
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She ruled for nine glorious days -
almost a week.
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These were among the fastest
royals we've ever had.
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After Jane came this woman -
Queen Mary.
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And there really was
"something about Mary" - but not
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something funny like Cameron Diaz
with all dried spunk in her hair.
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Mary's something was religious
intolerance.
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She had so many Protestants
burned at the stake
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she became known as Bloody Mary.
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Because, like the drink,
she was horrible.
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00:06:12,570 --> 00:06:15,850
The next Queen was Queen Elizabeth,
who, in the first of many
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such coincidences, appeared just
in time for the Elizabethan era.
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Queen Elizabeth One got her crown
screwed on here,
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in West Minister Abbey.
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00:06:37,290 --> 00:06:41,130
Elizabeth One was a new sort
of king, in that she was a queen,
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which meant she got paid less
and sat on horses sideways.
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To stop persecution,
Elizabeth allowed her subjects to
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practice whatever religion
they liked, as long as
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they pretended to be Church
of England when asked, like middle
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00:06:53,010 --> 00:06:56,290
class people do when they want
their kids to go to a posh school.
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00:06:56,290 --> 00:07:00,130
During Elizabeth's reign British
culture flourished, especially
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00:07:00,130 --> 00:07:03,890
the world of theatre, which is
sadly still with us to this day.
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The greatest playwrighter of the age
was Will.i.am Shakespeare.
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It's often said
if Shakespeare were alive today,
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he'd be sending his scripts to
television and film companies,
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who wouldn't make them because
they were so long and boring.
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00:07:18,930 --> 00:07:22,490
But while audiences thrilled to the
tedious drama of Shakespeare's
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terrible plays, some pioneering
Britons were experiencing
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real drama - by going out exploring.
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00:07:29,330 --> 00:07:33,010
It was now the British got really
into boats -
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by getting into boats.
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Sailors of the time were
like spacemen,
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but on water, exploring the unknown
armed only with an engineless
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wooden car called a boat,
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and a sort of basic paper sat nav
called a map,
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which had hardly anything on it
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because hardly anything had
been found yet.
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On maps of the sea,
do they show the hills?
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You know, the little moving hills
with the white bit on top?
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The waves?
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Is that what they call the moving
hills with the white bits on top?
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I think, I think that's
what you mean.
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Did an explorer ever try to
sail into the sky?
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You know, find a bit of sea that's
sort of going up and...
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No.
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Despite the difficulty,
King Queen Elizabeth sent
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a load of sailors over the sea to
nick treasure off the Spanish,
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and then to nick whole countries
off whichever brown people were
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standing on them at the time.
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The first British explorer to do
this was Sir Walter Raleigh.
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Sir Walter Raleigh was a great
sailor, wasn't he?
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So why is it today
we only remember him for his bikes?
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Well, there might have been
a connection between that
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branch of the Raleigh family
and the later bike manufacturer,
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but I very much doubt it.
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People weren't using cycles of any
kind in Sir Walter Raleigh's days.
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Oh, really?
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I think we really have to accept
that Sir Walter Raleigh was
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really just an expert sailor.
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How did Sir Walter Raleigh
invent the potato?
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Well, he didn't invent
the potato, in that
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I don't think anyone actually has
ever invented a root vegetable.
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Because they were obviously
being cultivated
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and used by people living in the
Americas when he arrived there.
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When Sir Walter Raleigh first saw
potatoes, was he scared of them?
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I think that when Sir Walter Raleigh
first saw potatoes, not that
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we've any documented records
on the moment when he first beheld
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a potato or a field of potatoes, but
I don't think he was scared of them.
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This is a buccaneering character.
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And I think he probably was able
to take on and
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manage his emotions whilst engaging
with potatoes at first sight.
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We still celebrate potatoes to this
day - by buying and eating them.
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It's amazing to think that
Queen Elizabeth was the first
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British monarch to be
impressed by a baked potato.
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And the last.
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Walter Raleigh was big news
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but he wasn't quite as big
news as Sir Francis Drake.
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This is Drake's ship,
The Golden Hind, which is
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Tudor for "Arse of Gold".
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It was in this ship Drake became
the first person to circumcise the
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globe, which is probably why this
sort of ship is called a "clipper".
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Imagine being on deck in that
perilous age.
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You're in the middle of the ocean.
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A mighty thunderstorm's brewing.
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There's a sailor over there.
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00:10:24,170 --> 00:10:26,170
Another one over there.
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The king sailor turning
the...the steering wheel thing.
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Potatoes and spare wooden legs
rolling around the deck.
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00:10:35,410 --> 00:10:38,650
A seagull up that, er...pole thing.
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00:10:40,010 --> 00:10:44,090
Someone reading a treasure map
through a telescope.
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00:10:44,090 --> 00:10:47,290
A bloke with a white beard carrying
a tray of fish fingers.
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00:10:47,290 --> 00:10:51,490
Pirates all laughing in that sort of
horrible throaty way that they do.
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And, at any moment,
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00:10:52,770 --> 00:10:56,330
the prospect that you might just
sail off the edge of the world.
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It's a sobering thought.
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Which they'd have needed
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00:11:00,010 --> 00:11:03,210
because they were all
pissed to the bollocks on rum.
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00:11:03,210 --> 00:11:05,930
The British's
mastery of the oceans made
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00:11:05,930 --> 00:11:09,730
Catholic King Philip of Spain
furious, in Spanish.
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00:11:09,730 --> 00:11:12,570
So he sent his secret weapon to
attack England -
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00:11:12,570 --> 00:11:15,250
a woman called Spanish Amanda.
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00:11:15,250 --> 00:11:17,930
The story goes that Drake was
playing a leisurely
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00:11:17,930 --> 00:11:21,330
game of bowls on Plymouth Hoe
when the Spanish attacked.
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00:11:23,570 --> 00:11:27,210
But Drake didn't let the Spanish
attack put him off his stroke.
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00:11:27,210 --> 00:11:30,050
He just carried on playing
with his balls.
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00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:33,570
According to records,
when he'd finished,
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Drake changed back into his normal
shoes, and thrashed the Spaniards.
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00:11:37,570 --> 00:11:39,250
At war, not bowling.
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00:11:39,250 --> 00:11:40,970
England was victorious.
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00:11:45,290 --> 00:11:48,570
Meanwhile in Scotland there was
another Mary on the scene -
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00:11:48,570 --> 00:11:50,770
Mary Queen Offscots.
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00:11:50,770 --> 00:11:53,970
Mary and Elizabeth were
rivals for the throne.
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00:11:53,970 --> 00:11:57,970
Catholics loved Mary, because
they go mad for anyone called Mary.
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00:11:57,970 --> 00:12:01,490
So Elizabeth cut her head off,
which made it harder for Mary to
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00:12:01,490 --> 00:12:05,250
take the throne, because she could
no longer see where it was.
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00:12:05,250 --> 00:12:07,450
Elizabeth had ended the rivalry.
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00:12:07,450 --> 00:12:09,890
The final score was one head,
to nil.
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00:12:11,210 --> 00:12:13,370
Elizabeth died without ever
marrying,
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00:12:13,370 --> 00:12:16,050
so has gone down in history
as the Vegan Queen.
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00:12:16,050 --> 00:12:19,330
She left no heirs, which was
the olden word for children,
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00:12:19,330 --> 00:12:22,690
making her the season
finale of the Tudors.
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00:12:22,690 --> 00:12:25,850
The next top Royal was
King James, who luckily
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00:12:25,850 --> 00:12:28,010
hadn't inherited his mum's
missing head,
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00:12:28,010 --> 00:12:32,490
and so could become King of Scotland
and England at the same time.
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00:12:32,490 --> 00:12:38,010
King James I of England was also
King James VI of Scotland,
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00:12:38,010 --> 00:12:39,490
wasn't he? He was.
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00:12:39,490 --> 00:12:43,570
Was he also the other five
King James' in between?
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00:12:43,570 --> 00:12:47,210
No, but he was rather conscious
of those other five James'.
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00:12:47,210 --> 00:12:50,130
Do you think he ever forgot
which James he was?
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00:12:50,130 --> 00:12:53,690
No, I'm pretty sure that he knew
there'd been all five before him
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00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:55,290
and they'd had rotten lives.
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00:12:55,290 --> 00:12:57,650
Oh. The first had been
murdered by his subjects,
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00:12:57,650 --> 00:13:00,810
the second killed by an exploding
cannon, the third was murdered
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00:13:00,810 --> 00:13:04,490
by his subjects after losing
a battle, the forth was killed in
235
00:13:04,490 --> 00:13:08,650
battle and the fifth died of nervous
exhaustion after losing a battle.
236
00:13:08,650 --> 00:13:11,490
So was it just bad luck being
called James then, do you think?
237
00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:14,730
No, the Stuarts are an astonishingly
accident-prone family.
238
00:13:14,730 --> 00:13:18,930
King James brought England, Scotland
and Wales together, didn't he?
239
00:13:18,930 --> 00:13:22,330
King James brought
England, Scotland, Wales, Cornwall
240
00:13:22,330 --> 00:13:23,410
and Ireland together.
241
00:13:23,410 --> 00:13:25,930
So he brought all those together.
That's right.
242
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:30,010
Like Simon Cowell when he brought
together...
243
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,090
One Direction.
244
00:13:32,090 --> 00:13:34,490
Yes, except it lasted a bit longer.
245
00:13:34,490 --> 00:13:36,130
Which is your favourite?
246
00:13:36,130 --> 00:13:37,250
Of the kingdoms?
247
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,650
No, of One Direction.
248
00:13:38,650 --> 00:13:40,250
Er...I don't have one.
249
00:13:40,250 --> 00:13:42,250
Yeah, very wise.
250
00:13:42,250 --> 00:13:45,090
Thanks to King James,
Great Britain was born.
251
00:13:45,090 --> 00:13:47,890
And with it came a new flag,
the Onion Jack -
252
00:13:47,890 --> 00:13:51,170
a sort of megamix of the nations'
previous flags.
253
00:13:51,170 --> 00:13:54,770
The Onion Jack has it all -
the white and red of England,
254
00:13:54,770 --> 00:13:56,130
the blue of Scotland,
255
00:13:56,130 --> 00:13:58,650
and from Wales, red again,
from the dragon,
256
00:13:58,650 --> 00:14:00,250
but not the actual dragon
257
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:02,170
even though it's the best
bit of the flag.
258
00:14:02,170 --> 00:14:05,130
Basically, whoever was doing this
probably just had a ruler
259
00:14:05,130 --> 00:14:07,450
and couldn't face doing the dragon.
260
00:14:07,450 --> 00:14:10,810
King James was Protestant,
and knew that Catholics wanted to
261
00:14:10,810 --> 00:14:14,490
kill him, so he had all his clothes
padded in case he was stabbed.
262
00:14:14,490 --> 00:14:17,650
Unfortunately, he didn't have the
Houses of Parliament padded,
263
00:14:17,650 --> 00:14:20,090
and that's where the
Catholics chose to attack,
264
00:14:20,090 --> 00:14:22,050
using explosions.
265
00:14:22,050 --> 00:14:25,370
This photo from the time shows
the Gunpowder plotters,
266
00:14:25,370 --> 00:14:28,850
in the hats and false beards
they used to hide their identities.
267
00:14:28,850 --> 00:14:31,090
What they didn't know is that
someone had written
268
00:14:31,090 --> 00:14:34,930
their names on the wall behind -
which is why they all got caught.
269
00:14:34,930 --> 00:14:38,970
But one man was about to cause even
more explosive changes to Britain -
270
00:14:38,970 --> 00:14:41,050
Oliver Cromwell.
271
00:14:41,050 --> 00:14:44,570
Some of Cromwell's fellow Puritans
had sailed away from Britain's
272
00:14:44,570 --> 00:14:47,930
shores, hoping to forge a new
life of Spartan misery in the
273
00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:50,130
new-found land of America.
274
00:14:50,130 --> 00:14:53,410
But Cromwell stayed behind to fall
out with King Charles One.
275
00:14:53,410 --> 00:14:56,890
He wanted Parliament dissolved,
but nobody could find a glass big
276
00:14:56,890 --> 00:15:00,370
enough, so they decided to have a
civil war instead.
277
00:15:05,450 --> 00:15:08,770
They called it a Civil War
because there was a swear jar,
278
00:15:08,770 --> 00:15:13,050
and people apologised after
killing each other, like in tennis.
279
00:15:13,050 --> 00:15:15,690
The Civil War was a clash of styles.
280
00:15:15,690 --> 00:15:19,130
The King's Cavaliers had panache,
and weird outfits,
281
00:15:19,130 --> 00:15:23,250
while Cromwell's Roundheads were
basic, brutish little bulldog men.
282
00:15:23,250 --> 00:15:26,010
It was like a fight between
Wayne Rooney and Noel Fielding.
283
00:15:26,010 --> 00:15:27,170
But not as funny.
284
00:15:28,690 --> 00:15:32,370
Eventually, after many
re-enactments just like this,
285
00:15:32,370 --> 00:15:34,410
the Roundheads won, 1-0.
286
00:15:34,410 --> 00:15:36,810
Charles was caught in a big
king net,
287
00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:39,050
and executed here, in Whitehall.
288
00:15:39,050 --> 00:15:42,690
A proud man to the last, he wore two
shirts so no-one could see him
289
00:15:42,690 --> 00:15:45,730
shiver,
to preserve his regal dignity.
290
00:15:45,730 --> 00:15:47,690
And according to witnesses
it worked.
291
00:15:47,690 --> 00:15:50,210
His severed head rolled
regally along the ground,
292
00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:53,130
pumping blood everywhere
and getting covered in hay and dirt
293
00:15:53,130 --> 00:15:55,850
and dried-up
flecks of dignified fox shit,
294
00:15:55,850 --> 00:15:58,610
and no-one mentioned the rest of him
shivering at all.
295
00:15:58,610 --> 00:16:01,770
Under Cromwell, Britain became
less fun than ever before,
296
00:16:01,770 --> 00:16:03,970
including when it was just rocks.
297
00:16:03,970 --> 00:16:07,810
As a Puritan, Cromwell outlawed
popular entertainment -
298
00:16:07,810 --> 00:16:11,770
effectively turning the entire
country into BBC FOUR.
299
00:16:11,770 --> 00:16:13,890
Little wonder that after
Cromwell died,
300
00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:17,250
everyone decided it would fun
having a king once more.
301
00:16:17,250 --> 00:16:20,810
Charles II came down from the tree
he'd been hiding in and everyone
302
00:16:20,810 --> 00:16:26,010
was happy again until suddenly,
in 1665, the plague happened.
303
00:16:26,010 --> 00:16:27,610
Again.
304
00:16:27,610 --> 00:16:30,570
Why did they decide to have the
plague twice?
305
00:16:30,570 --> 00:16:33,730
More than anything it must
have just been boring.
306
00:16:33,730 --> 00:16:36,170
Well, they had many, many more
times than twice.
307
00:16:36,170 --> 00:16:40,570
Did we get the plague because of the
European free movement of rats
308
00:16:40,570 --> 00:16:44,610
and fleas and our inability to
control our borders?
309
00:16:44,610 --> 00:16:48,530
It certainly looks as though the
epidemic came to England by ship.
310
00:16:48,530 --> 00:16:49,770
Mmm.
311
00:16:49,770 --> 00:16:52,130
So in that sense, yes,
it's imported.
312
00:16:52,130 --> 00:16:54,130
They are immigrant rats and fleas.
313
00:16:54,130 --> 00:16:57,810
And they wouldn't integrate,
except when they bit us.
314
00:16:58,970 --> 00:17:04,610
The Great Plague of London finally
petered out in 1666 - just in time
315
00:17:04,610 --> 00:17:08,370
for The Great Fire of London which
started here, in Pudding Lane.
316
00:17:10,450 --> 00:17:12,050
It was a hot, dry summer
317
00:17:12,050 --> 00:17:15,730
when a thatched wooden bakery
full of highly combustible flour
318
00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:19,610
and flaming ovens inexplicably
caught fire for some reason.
319
00:17:19,610 --> 00:17:22,970
How hot was The Great Fire
of London?
320
00:17:22,970 --> 00:17:26,530
Could you, like, stand in
somewhere like Maidenhead
321
00:17:26,530 --> 00:17:28,410
and sort of warm your hands
on it like that?
322
00:17:28,410 --> 00:17:30,810
You couldn't warm your hands
but you probably could see it.
323
00:17:30,810 --> 00:17:34,970
How many other cities did
The Great Fire of London burn down?
324
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:37,970
No other cities,
it was The Great Fire of London.
325
00:17:37,970 --> 00:17:40,450
But lots of other places were
affected.
326
00:17:40,450 --> 00:17:43,970
But how do we know no other
cities burnt down
327
00:17:43,970 --> 00:17:45,970
because it would have burnt
them down?
328
00:17:45,970 --> 00:17:48,810
Yes, but we know that London was
burnt, even though
329
00:17:48,810 --> 00:17:50,010
it was burnt down.
330
00:17:50,010 --> 00:17:52,530
So we would have the same
sorts of information about other
331
00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:53,890
places that didn't burn down.
332
00:17:53,890 --> 00:17:55,770
But there might have been another
place burnt down,
333
00:17:55,770 --> 00:17:57,250
that just burnt down completely.
334
00:17:57,250 --> 00:17:59,730
And now we don't know cos it's
not there cos it was burnt down.
335
00:17:59,730 --> 00:18:02,290
But then that wouldn't be part of
The Great Fire of London, would it?
336
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,930
No, it would be outside,
wouldn't it? Yes.
337
00:18:04,930 --> 00:18:07,090
So were there any others
that burnt down?
338
00:18:07,090 --> 00:18:10,010
There don't seem to have been
any other fires at the same time.
339
00:18:10,010 --> 00:18:11,930
Although we don't know
cos they burnt down.
340
00:18:11,930 --> 00:18:14,010
Well, that's one way
of looking at it.
341
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,930
We know a lot about the plague
342
00:18:15,930 --> 00:18:19,930
and the Fire of London from the
diaries of this man - Samuel Pepys.
343
00:18:19,930 --> 00:18:23,850
Samuel Pepys is probably the most
famous diarist in the world.
344
00:18:23,850 --> 00:18:27,210
Apart from Anne Frank, but no-one
knows what happened to her.
345
00:18:27,210 --> 00:18:30,850
We do know what happened to Pepys,
because he put it in his diary.
346
00:18:30,850 --> 00:18:32,690
Pepys was brave, wasn't he,
347
00:18:32,690 --> 00:18:35,810
writing his diary at the time of
The Great Fire of London?
348
00:18:35,810 --> 00:18:37,490
You know, all that paper.
349
00:18:37,490 --> 00:18:40,450
He risked his life for us
really, didn't he?
350
00:18:40,450 --> 00:18:42,050
I don't think
he risked his life for us.
351
00:18:42,050 --> 00:18:43,530
It was for himself.
352
00:18:43,530 --> 00:18:47,610
If Pepys was alive today,
do you think he'd be doing Snapchat?
353
00:18:47,610 --> 00:18:49,130
And it's best to say yes
354
00:18:49,130 --> 00:18:51,370
because we're trying to attract
younger viewers.
355
00:18:51,370 --> 00:18:54,850
Yes, I'm sure he would be.
Yeah. Definitely, yeah.
356
00:18:54,850 --> 00:18:58,530
After the fire was blown out
by the King, London was extensively
357
00:18:58,530 --> 00:19:00,650
rebuilt by Sir Christopher Wren -
358
00:19:00,650 --> 00:19:03,810
the most significant bird in British
history since Francis Drake.
359
00:19:05,370 --> 00:19:07,610
This is his finest achievement.
360
00:19:07,610 --> 00:19:09,210
Sir Paul's Cathedral -
361
00:19:09,210 --> 00:19:11,930
built on a site of spiritual
significance near the
362
00:19:11,930 --> 00:19:15,850
Sainsbury's Local and the restaurant
where they do First Dates.
363
00:19:15,850 --> 00:19:17,330
As well as being big,
364
00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:20,890
the Cathedral was the first
building in the world with a hat.
365
00:19:20,890 --> 00:19:23,890
It would get ten out of ten
in Cathedral Review Monthly,
366
00:19:23,890 --> 00:19:26,970
if that magazine existed,
which it doesn't.
367
00:19:26,970 --> 00:19:30,210
Meanwhile, London wasn't the only
thing that was being burned -
368
00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:32,010
witches were too.
369
00:19:32,010 --> 00:19:35,290
People genuinely believed witches
were amongst them,
370
00:19:35,290 --> 00:19:38,850
their fear fuelled by
leaked photos like this.
371
00:19:38,850 --> 00:19:40,970
There wasn't a clear-cut
way of telling
372
00:19:40,970 --> 00:19:44,290
whether someone was a witch if they
weren't wearing their pointy hat.
373
00:19:44,290 --> 00:19:48,850
So Britain appointed its first
and only Witchfinder General.
374
00:19:48,850 --> 00:19:51,850
Who was the Witchfinder General?
375
00:19:51,850 --> 00:19:54,770
The Witchfinder General was a young
man called Matthew Hopkins.
376
00:19:54,770 --> 00:19:57,450
Matthew Hopkins?!
He went to my school.
377
00:19:57,450 --> 00:19:59,970
This was a different
Matthew Hopkins, I hope.
378
00:19:59,970 --> 00:20:02,450
How'd you know?
He's an IT consultant now.
379
00:20:02,450 --> 00:20:06,770
Well, the Matthew Hopkins I'm
talking about died 350 years ago.
380
00:20:06,770 --> 00:20:09,810
He went on a witch hunt which
covered the whole of East Anglia
381
00:20:09,810 --> 00:20:13,330
and resulted in the death
of about 100 women.
382
00:20:13,330 --> 00:20:15,810
Yeah, it's not
the same Matthew Hopkins.
383
00:20:15,810 --> 00:20:19,690
No. My Matthew Hopkins is going
through a divorce.
384
00:20:19,690 --> 00:20:22,250
Well, I think that's
pretty harrowing,
385
00:20:22,250 --> 00:20:25,570
but compared with stringing up
aged women upon scaffolds
386
00:20:25,570 --> 00:20:28,690
and torturing them into confession,
it's probably fairly minor.
387
00:20:28,690 --> 00:20:31,050
Yeah, puts everything
in perspective, doesn't it?
388
00:20:31,050 --> 00:20:33,730
That's the great
thing about history. Mmm.
389
00:20:33,730 --> 00:20:38,090
Matthew Hopkins devised a method to
test if a woman was a witch.
390
00:20:38,090 --> 00:20:41,050
Hopkins' method was absolutely
fool-proof.
391
00:20:41,050 --> 00:20:44,770
Which was handy, because it had
to be done by village idiots.
392
00:20:44,770 --> 00:20:47,330
The accused woman was
lowered into water.
393
00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:49,930
If they floated they were a witch
and were killed.
394
00:20:49,930 --> 00:20:51,890
If they drowned they were innocent,
395
00:20:51,890 --> 00:20:53,970
and could go on living
a normal life,
396
00:20:53,970 --> 00:20:56,730
underwater, for two to
three seconds.
397
00:20:56,730 --> 00:20:58,770
But the irrational world of witches
398
00:20:58,770 --> 00:21:01,530
and wizards was about to be blown
away by the rational
399
00:21:01,530 --> 00:21:06,130
world of science -
and geniuses like Sir Isaac Newton.
400
00:21:06,130 --> 00:21:10,770
In 1665, Newton ran away from London
because the plague was after him.
401
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:14,330
So he came here, to Woolsthorpe
Manor in Lincolnshire -
402
00:21:14,330 --> 00:21:16,890
a National Trust property that he
was allowed to live in
403
00:21:16,890 --> 00:21:18,410
because he was famous.
404
00:21:18,410 --> 00:21:21,330
The story goes that an apple
fell from this tree
405
00:21:21,330 --> 00:21:23,250
and landed on Newton's head.
406
00:21:23,250 --> 00:21:25,010
Despite his amazing hair,
407
00:21:25,010 --> 00:21:27,930
the force of the fruity blow caused
several of his brain cells to
408
00:21:27,930 --> 00:21:32,490
rub together - and just
like that he invented gravity.
409
00:21:32,490 --> 00:21:36,410
What was the world like before
Isaac Newton discovered gravity?
410
00:21:36,410 --> 00:21:39,410
Was everything just floating
up to the sky?
411
00:21:39,410 --> 00:21:42,770
Well, gravity was always there
so it just took...
412
00:21:42,770 --> 00:21:44,450
But he just took the credit for it.
413
00:21:44,450 --> 00:21:48,490
Because he had come up with
laws of motion and things like that,
414
00:21:48,490 --> 00:21:52,770
gravity was a major part
of his understanding of the world.
415
00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:56,610
If gravity's real,
as you seem to be claiming,
416
00:21:56,610 --> 00:21:58,690
how come it doesn't work on kites?
417
00:22:00,010 --> 00:22:03,930
In all things there's a balance
of forces, and so a kite stays
418
00:22:03,930 --> 00:22:10,450
in the air because of forces that
are keeping the kite in the air.
419
00:22:10,450 --> 00:22:14,050
Would you say the best example
of gravity today is the game show
420
00:22:14,050 --> 00:22:15,530
Tipping Point,
421
00:22:15,530 --> 00:22:17,770
cos without gravity that
wouldn't work, would it?
422
00:22:17,770 --> 00:22:19,010
For sure. Mmm.
423
00:22:19,010 --> 00:22:21,210
But I wouldn't say it's the best
example of gravity.
424
00:22:21,210 --> 00:22:23,370
There's way more exciting
examples than that.
425
00:22:23,370 --> 00:22:25,090
Go on. Tell me.
426
00:22:25,090 --> 00:22:29,610
Well, there's flight
and...there's walking on the moon.
427
00:22:29,610 --> 00:22:34,090
Oh, I thought you meant "what's the
best game show version of gravity".
428
00:22:34,090 --> 00:22:35,530
Oh, erm...
429
00:22:36,490 --> 00:22:37,570
Deal or No Deal?
430
00:22:38,610 --> 00:22:40,330
It doesn't really use gravity.
431
00:22:40,330 --> 00:22:43,650
Well, I thought you said
everything uses gravity. Erm...
432
00:22:43,650 --> 00:22:46,930
Cos Noel Edmonds would be up
in the roof otherwise, wouldn't he?
433
00:22:46,930 --> 00:22:48,170
That's true.
434
00:22:48,170 --> 00:22:51,730
We're all subject to gravity
without realising it. Mmm.
435
00:22:51,730 --> 00:22:54,330
But the game would still go on...
Mmm.
436
00:22:54,330 --> 00:22:55,730
...even without gravity.
437
00:22:55,730 --> 00:22:57,050
Or maybe not actually.
438
00:22:57,050 --> 00:22:58,370
I've thrown you now, haven't I?
439
00:22:58,370 --> 00:22:59,530
You have.
440
00:22:59,530 --> 00:23:00,610
Made you think.
441
00:23:01,570 --> 00:23:03,730
But gravity had a dark side.
442
00:23:03,730 --> 00:23:07,010
While everyone in Britain was busy
thinking about why things fall,
443
00:23:07,010 --> 00:23:10,610
across the Atlantic an entire nation
was about to tumble,
444
00:23:10,610 --> 00:23:11,730
just like an apple,
445
00:23:11,730 --> 00:23:13,250
onto Britain's head.
446
00:23:13,250 --> 00:23:15,850
On 4th July, 1776,
447
00:23:15,850 --> 00:23:19,730
America officially declared a war
of independence from the British.
448
00:23:19,730 --> 00:23:21,410
It was a brutal conflict,
449
00:23:21,410 --> 00:23:24,410
with the British eventually
suffering a humiliating defeat
450
00:23:24,410 --> 00:23:30,090
a mere 210 years before the premiere
of the BBC sitcom Brush Strokes.
451
00:23:39,450 --> 00:23:46,050
# Because of you, these things I do
452
00:23:47,890 --> 00:23:51,010
# Because of you #
453
00:23:52,290 --> 00:23:57,450
# Because of you, oh... #
454
00:23:59,290 --> 00:24:02,570
Losing America was a real
knee in the balls for Britain,
455
00:24:02,570 --> 00:24:04,930
but fortunately for national pride,
456
00:24:04,930 --> 00:24:07,890
one great British hero
was about to rise -
457
00:24:07,890 --> 00:24:11,290
Vice Admiral Viscount Lord
Horrorshow Nelson.
458
00:24:11,290 --> 00:24:13,690
What was Lord Nelson all about?
459
00:24:13,690 --> 00:24:16,930
Why did his parents call him
Horrorshow?
460
00:24:16,930 --> 00:24:20,690
Well, I think they probably intended
it to be pronounced Horatio.
461
00:24:20,690 --> 00:24:24,690
But it just got mish-mashed up
and became Horrorshow?
462
00:24:24,690 --> 00:24:29,090
No, I think that most people still
know him as Horatio Nelson.
463
00:24:29,090 --> 00:24:32,090
As well as being a sailor,
Nelson found time to
464
00:24:32,090 --> 00:24:36,890
star in lots of old paintings,
doing his weird signature pose.
465
00:24:36,890 --> 00:24:40,490
Why did Nelson always have one
hand up his jumper?
466
00:24:40,490 --> 00:24:41,970
What was he doing up there?
467
00:24:43,250 --> 00:24:47,250
He'd lost most of his right arm,
so it wasn't really trying to
468
00:24:47,250 --> 00:24:51,130
conceal his hand,
he was actually missing an arm.
469
00:24:51,130 --> 00:24:52,970
Oh, God.
470
00:24:52,970 --> 00:24:55,530
How do we know that
that's true, though?
471
00:24:55,530 --> 00:24:58,330
Cos, you know, Rod Hull,
472
00:24:58,330 --> 00:25:01,770
he used to have his arm round
an emu, didn't he?
473
00:25:03,250 --> 00:25:05,090
It might have just been that.
474
00:25:05,090 --> 00:25:06,730
He didn't have it blown off at all.
475
00:25:06,730 --> 00:25:09,930
He was just trying to
make his story more interesting.
476
00:25:09,930 --> 00:25:11,890
Well, I don't see why
he would bother to do that.
477
00:25:11,890 --> 00:25:13,330
He was already a heroic figure,
478
00:25:13,330 --> 00:25:15,850
so I don't think he needed to
sort of feign, you know,
479
00:25:15,850 --> 00:25:20,570
serious injury to, if you
like, deepen his growing legend.
480
00:25:20,570 --> 00:25:25,170
So I think we can probably say that,
unlike some things, this is true.
481
00:25:25,170 --> 00:25:27,170
Yeah, and the eye was true.
482
00:25:27,170 --> 00:25:29,170
The eye was true as well,
yes, he wore a patch.
483
00:25:29,170 --> 00:25:32,250
So he was like a pirate,
but like a boring one.
484
00:25:33,530 --> 00:25:36,210
Not being able to clap wasn't
the most annoying
485
00:25:36,210 --> 00:25:39,330
thing in Nelson's life,
he had an arch-enemy -
486
00:25:39,330 --> 00:25:43,930
the annoyingly similar French pirate
Napoleon Cumberbatch.
487
00:25:43,930 --> 00:25:47,210
The fearsome French Emperor had
conquered most of Europe
488
00:25:47,210 --> 00:25:50,170
and was on the verge of having
a conquer at Britain.
489
00:25:50,170 --> 00:25:51,530
But before he could,
490
00:25:51,530 --> 00:25:55,010
he had to have a
Battle of Trafalgar against Nelson.
491
00:25:56,450 --> 00:25:59,530
The Battle of Trafalgar was
one of the most famous water
492
00:25:59,530 --> 00:26:01,450
fights in British history.
493
00:26:01,450 --> 00:26:05,130
And it took place, of course,
here in Trafalgar Square.
494
00:26:05,130 --> 00:26:07,010
It's amazing to think that
back then,
495
00:26:07,010 --> 00:26:09,010
all of this would have been
under water.
496
00:26:09,010 --> 00:26:11,690
Only the top of the column would
have been visible.
497
00:26:11,690 --> 00:26:14,690
On this side,
Nelson's English ships.
498
00:26:14,690 --> 00:26:18,730
On this side, by the Pret A Manger,
the French fleet.
499
00:26:18,730 --> 00:26:21,330
And overseeing it all was Nelson,
500
00:26:21,330 --> 00:26:25,890
stranded on top of his stone stick -
where he remains to this day.
501
00:26:25,890 --> 00:26:30,290
If Nelson was such a hero, why did
we banish him up that big pole?
502
00:26:30,290 --> 00:26:34,490
Well, it's not a banishment,
this was a national celebration.
503
00:26:34,490 --> 00:26:37,610
So this was very much, if you like,
a symbol of British victory
504
00:26:37,610 --> 00:26:41,410
and pride, and honouring of
the man who had been
505
00:26:41,410 --> 00:26:44,130
so intimately associated with
delivering victory at Trafalgar.
506
00:26:44,130 --> 00:26:46,930
But he's so high up, isn't he?
507
00:26:46,930 --> 00:26:48,650
He's sort of out of eye shot.
508
00:26:49,890 --> 00:26:52,210
Well...
And he's getting shat on by birds.
509
00:26:52,210 --> 00:26:54,330
Yeah, I mean, it's...it's a....
510
00:26:54,330 --> 00:26:56,090
Couldn't we have had him
a little bit lower
511
00:26:56,090 --> 00:26:57,410
so that we can have a look at him?
512
00:26:57,410 --> 00:26:59,850
Well, it's a fair point, I mean...
It's just like a joke.
513
00:26:59,850 --> 00:27:01,010
Yeah.
514
00:27:01,010 --> 00:27:04,810
Nelson's great victory at Trafalgar
was sadly spoiled for him
515
00:27:04,810 --> 00:27:06,930
when he was shot by a French sniper.
516
00:27:06,930 --> 00:27:11,090
Taken below decks, he was comforted
by his Naval colleague Hardy,
517
00:27:11,090 --> 00:27:13,330
who kissed him to death.
518
00:27:13,330 --> 00:27:17,890
If Hardy was kissing Nelson
at the exact moment he was dying,
519
00:27:17,890 --> 00:27:21,610
to what extent would that make him
a necrophile?
520
00:27:21,610 --> 00:27:23,890
Cos that's a serious offence.
521
00:27:23,890 --> 00:27:28,330
Well, it took him three or four
hours to die, and this particular
522
00:27:28,330 --> 00:27:32,610
famous moment took place when Nelson
was still very much alive.
523
00:27:32,610 --> 00:27:34,690
So there was nothing dodgy about it?
524
00:27:34,690 --> 00:27:36,770
Nothing dodgy at all.
525
00:27:36,770 --> 00:27:38,290
Nelson may have died,
526
00:27:38,290 --> 00:27:42,170
but a whole new chapter of British
history was about to be born.
527
00:27:42,170 --> 00:27:44,170
And it was all thanks to one woman.
528
00:27:44,170 --> 00:27:46,250
Queen Victorian Era.
529
00:27:46,250 --> 00:27:48,810
But that's a story for another
time and place -
530
00:27:48,810 --> 00:27:50,450
next week and here.
531
00:27:51,690 --> 00:27:54,450
Next time, I'll be
looking at the 19th century
532
00:27:54,450 --> 00:27:56,170
and asking the big questions.
533
00:27:56,170 --> 00:27:57,530
Who was Albert Hall?
534
00:27:57,530 --> 00:27:58,970
Why did Oliver Twist?
535
00:27:58,970 --> 00:28:01,530
And what are Words Worth?
536
00:28:01,530 --> 00:28:05,330
Wordsworth wrote
"I wandered lonely as a cloud",
537
00:28:05,330 --> 00:28:08,450
but clouds don't have legs, do they?
538
00:28:08,450 --> 00:28:09,530
No.
539
00:28:09,530 --> 00:28:39,550
So how was he allowed to get away
with that kind of stuff?
51010
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