Original subtitles

♪ ♪

- TINA: Uh... - LOUISE: What's she doing?

Is she waiting on them?

That's not what's happening, right?

- Oh, I can't look. - TINA: Sorry.

- Oof. That doesn't look good. - Nope.

TINA: I've got to make a nine inch nail.

- Oh, my God. - (phone buzzes)

- Tina? - TINA: I've got to get out of here!

I messed everything up.

And I ran into the bathroom, and now

I don't know how to leave without

walking right by their table!

It's okay, honey.

- It's okay. - Start the car!

- I'm gonna make a run for it! - Tina, no!

TINA: Ah, ah, ah!

LINDA: Tina, honey! What happened?

Tina!

TINA: They came in again yesterday.

They sat in the same booth.

I've never seen teenagers like this before.

They're a different, confident cool.

I call it: confi-cool.

They smelled like they always smell,

like that spray-on hair dye I thought people

were only allowed to use on Halloween.

I couldn't stop staring.

I hope I wasn't too obvious.

I wanted to talk to them.

I wanted to eat them?

But with my heart?

Like how I felt when I saw that bus stop ad

where the four friends were jumping off a dock

into a lake wearing jeans.

Please, please, please, let them come back, Journal.

I need to--

Oh, crap. My pen's dying.

Sorry, Journal, this might hurt a little bit.

I need to figure out

how they are so cool, and then be that cool.

Hmm. So, there's me.

LINDA: Kids! Breakfast is ready.

Okay. I got to go.

Hey. We said the same thing. Jinx.

Morning, my Tina.

- Morning. - Morning, my Louise.

- You sleep okay? - No, Mother. I did not.

- I was tossing and turning all night. - Oh, no.

And then, early this morning, it struck me.

It was an odor.

Like if a dumpster just got back from the gym.

I searched my room, frantic, and there they were,

under my desk: Gene's stinky,

nasty, abominable socks.

- Oh, God. Not at breakfast! - Ugh. - (Tina retches)

Mm-hmm. Gene, take them.

Thank you. Oh, they're still moist.

He took them off yesterday when we were playing

- No Floor Parkour. - GENE: I needed the grippy-ness

of my sweet, clammy feet.

LOUISE: And I said, "Get those satanic socks out of my room."

And he said, "I will,

right after I parkour some more."

But then he forgot.

- That sounds right. - BOB: Ugh.

Louise, why didn't you

just throw them in the hamper?

Or in the garbage?

Because, Father, I wanted him to feel shame.

I think they smell fun and interesting.

Oh, really? So you feel no shame?

The opposite. I feel pride.

I could smell these socks all day.

Fine, then do it. Wear them again.

That sounds like a bad idea.

- Okay. - Gene. - Oh, no, no, no.

Not on your feet. That's too far from your nose.

Well, I can't wear them on my hands.

What if someone asks me to do a spontaneous piano solo?

Wear them in... this area. Near the smell zone.

Or your dad had that fun idea to throw them in the hamper.

How about right here?

I could use some necktie accessorizing.

I'm dressing for sock-cess.

Gene, please don't.

Father, this is something I have to do.

- Is it? - Yes. - Yes.

I'm gonna go wash my hands for a very long time.

You won't last a day!

Oh, yes, I will. And I'll look great doing it.

Papa? Would you help me tie my sweaty sock into a Windsor knot?

I don't know how to do that, and I don't want to touch it.

- Fair enough. - Earth to Teeny Tina.

- Have some breakfast. - Oh.

I was just thinking about those kids

that have been coming into the restaurant lately.

You mean me, you and Louise?

No, the ones with the hair and the clothes and the swagger.

- Talking about me? - BOB/LINDA: The teens.

Ugh, again with the teens.

If you want swagger, check this out.

(grunting rhythmically)

(sighs) I think something dripped onto your plate

- from those things. - Oh, look at that.

Tina, honey, your face might be smudging the glass a little bit.

Maybe if you mop a little worse, they'll come sooner?

- You could also mop anywhere else? - No, thank you.

Okay, Gene. You've made your point.

You can take the tie off now.

Mm-mm. Today was great because of this tie.

I turned a lot of heads. And I cleared the cafeteria line.

All I had to do was jiggle it about. My tie, that is.

Nuh-uh. There's no way that wearing that smelly sock

as a necktie was a good thing.

It's fine, Louise. You wouldn't get it.

You're living that no-sock-necktie life.

Probably 'cause you're not strong enough. And that's okay.

Oh, I'm strong enough. I'm just not quite as dumb as you.

But if I chose to wear a sock necktie, I'd be great at it.

I'd be better at it than you.

Your mouth is writing checks your nose can't cash.

(scoffs) My nose can write checks all day.

It's got overdraft protection.

Well, mine reimburses you for out-of-network ATM fees!

They're here! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Here. Give me the mop so you can...

This mop is dry.

There's nothing even in the bucket.

- Sorry, yeah. It was just my cover. - Okay.

Well, go give them their menus.

- Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. - Or maybe I'll do the menus.

- Huh. Huh. - Tina, when you take their order, you should scream,

"Love me!" right in their faces. People like that.

I can't take their order. They're them.

And I'm just regular.

No, you're not. You're irregular.

Like Dad's heartbeat.

It's not irregular. It's just funky.

You can do it, Tina. You're a waitress.

Sort of. So, just wait on them?

- You want me to take their order, honey? - No.

- I'll do it. (groaning) - Attagirl.

So far, so good.

(groaning continues)

Hey.

Hi, I'm Tina? Can I take your order? (choking)

Sorry. (gagging)

I'm just ch-- I'm choking on my spit.

(coughs) You can start ordering.

I can write and choke.

She's doing great.

Maybe she wanted it to be like this?

You know, where she gags on them?

Maybe it sounds worse from here, somehow?

Okay, got it.

Um, I'll just get this into the, um, the-the kitchen?

So that they can make food for you.

Um, and that's how it's done here. (chuckles nervously)

Thanks. So what time should we get to the Odeon next Saturday?

- O-Ow. - Well, the Mud Stains go on

at 8:00. And I want to be doing this by 8:05.

- So, 7:00? - TINA: The Mud Stains at the Odeon?

Must be a band they like. Writing it down.

I'm gonna stand here and listen a little while longer.

Look casual. (strains) That's it. Good job.

Keeping it casual.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

"The Mud Stains," question mark.

"Cool band," question mark. Question mark.

Sorry, that's for me. Um, here you go.

This one says, "Don't fart, don't fart, don't fart."

Tina, did you even take their order?

Sorry. Let me find it.

Um, here you-- No. Nope. Not that one.

Um, how about-- nope. No. Um, oh! Okay, here it is.

Lot of exclamation points.

Yeah, it was a really good order.

I'll-I'll need it back later.

Ah, look who went to the hamper and found exciting neckwear,

who can totally handle it,

because she's stronger than anyone else in this family.

Oh, no. You're both doing this now?

Ooh, one of my socks from today.

Fresh off my feet. It will be especially pungent.

We had P. E., and I stepped in a puddle.

- Mm. - Yeah, I'm getting that.

All right. Family togetherness time with the TV.

Oh, Louise. Oh, no, honey.

- Oh, yes. - Hey, where's Tina?

Tina! TV!

TINA: I'm gonna stay in my room.

You guys can watch TV without me.

Nerd! Just kidding. Sorta.

TINA: Journal, I have a plan.

The teens, they're the key.

The key to a better me, a better life.

The next time they come to the restaurant,

they're gonna meet a whole new Tina.

And it's gonna be me being a lot like them.

Step one, like the music they like.

Step two, dress the way they dress.

Step three, we become friends,

and everything's different in my life, forever.

Step one. Time to fall in love with this band,

that is now my favorite band, that I'd never heard before.

- (punk rock music playing) - Okay, okay.

That's a little shouty.

Ah, I-I love it.

Just gonna turn it down a little bit. Because I love it so much.

Yay. The plan's already working.

This is the new me. Just gonna turn it down a little bit more.

Okay, we're off to the thrift store

to get Tina a funky old outfit.

Yep, step two of

my "Tina Becomes A Cool Teen-a" plan.

Step one was a huge success, and I totally love

how scary and angry all the Mud Stains songs are.

♪ Here's a riddle ♪

♪ It's my middle finger ♪

♪ Pointed in your direction ♪

♪ I hope you get an infection. ♪

- LOUISE: Sounds great. - GENE: That's deep.

- Such a good song. - Yeah.

Oh, and, Dad, if the teens come in before I get back,

text Mom and try to stall them.

- Uh... - Just talk to them about emojis

and new drugs you've heard about.

- Bye. - Bye. - Have fun shopping

while we stay at work.

- Not bothered by this at all. - Good luck.

Don't pierce anything I wouldn't pierce!

Have I told you all the things I wouldn't pierce?

Basically, everything but my ween.

TINA: Whoa. There's so much stuff.

Maybe they have, like, a badass teen section?

Probably not. I'm trying to remember

what those kids were wearing.

I just remember I wanted to brush all their hair.

Okay, let's start trying on stuff other people threw away.

♪ Here's a riddle ♪

♪ It's my middle finger ♪

♪ Pointed in your direction ♪

♪ I hope you get an infection ♪

♪ And upon further reflection ♪

♪ I wanna punch you in the face. ♪

Hey, Bob. Kids.

- KIDS: Hey, Teddy. - Hey, Teddy.

Still wearing socks as a necktie, huh?

Double sock necktie.

Yeah, it's double the struggle. For Gene.

I don't really get it.

I guess it's different for every generation.

With mine, it was talking back to authority figures.

With yours, it's dirty socks around your neck.

Yeah, they get like this.

Were you here when they decided to see

who could hold their pee the longest?

Th-That didn't end well.

Oh, yeah, that was bad.

Kids, go take out the garbage.

Uh, take your time. Or, you know,

stop wearing nasty, dirty clothes around your neck.

Louise can stop any time she wants.

- I'll stop after you stop. - I'll stop after you stop.

Well, I guess you're never stopping, 'cause I love it.

Not as much as I love it. This is my spiritual practice.

I'm teaching a class on this,

and it's already full for the next ten years.

Do you need a guest speaker?

- We're doing our best. - (doorbell jingles)

We're back, and we got slacks!

- Ah, ah, ah. - And some other stuff, too.

- Did they come in? - No.

- Phew. - Wow, look at those boots.

TEDDY: Whoa. Combat boots.

Are you storming the beaches of Normandy later?

Just kidding. I know you're not.

Are those your size?

They're someone's size. Ah! Oops.

I'm gonna run upstairs and change and then come back down.

If they come while I'm gone, just, uh,

take a really long time to make their food.

Feels like that's happening right now for me.

- Hint, hint. - Mm.

♪ I hate ♪

♪ Waiting for crap to happen ♪

♪ I hate ♪

♪ Waiting for crap to happen ♪

♪ Don't make me wait like you're the bus ♪

♪ If something doesn't happen soon, I'm gonna cuss ♪

♪ Oh, my God, seriously, if waiting's like dying ♪

♪ Then you're killing me ♪

♪ I hate waiting for crap to happen ♪

♪ I hate waiting for crap to happen ♪

♪ Crap! ♪

TINA: Gosh darn it, I did all the stuff.

The music, the clothes, and they didn't come in.

What if I never see them again?

And they never see new cool me?

How will I even know if any of the stuff

I've been doing is working?

Ah! I have to do something.

Ugh, I have to find them!

But how do I...

(sighs) Forget it.

They're gone. Out of my life forever.

The concert!

I have to go to the Mud Stains concert at the Odeon!

Tonight. Right now!

Um, okay, what's happening?

The confi-cool teens. They didn't come back,

and they may never come back,

and it's the one place I know they're gonna be.

At the Odeon. Tonight.

I got to go there. Or-or they'll slip through my fingers forever.

- LOUISE: Like Dad's hair. - Louise.

Can I go? Please?

It's all ages,

which I think means babies will be there?

A-And it's happening right now!

And-and I'll spend my own money, but it's 3.2 miles away,

so I need a ride! Please? I'll clean the whole house!

- I-I'll do laundry! - No need.

Uh, yeah, sure, okay. Uh, right, Bob?

Uh, yeah.

Maybe I'll go with you.

Yay! My first hard rock concert.

I want to stage dive. Ooh, no, stage cannonball.

Um, it could go pretty late.

I mean, it's already kind of late.

Maybe just your mom and Tina should go.

But we'll drop you guys off and...

Get gelato from that place.

Ooh, gelato. I'd rather stage dive that.

Uh, okay. That's kind of close to the Odeon.

Okay, great. Mom, you gonna wear that?

I mean, it's-it's fine. It's fine!

LINDA: Okay, we're here.

- Bye. - We'll see you crazy kids in a little bit,

unless we get moshed to death.

Just kidding. Oh, God. It's fine.

Bye, Tina. Oh, look!

Sock tie is waving to you, too.

Goodbye. Pshew, pshew, pshew!

Oh, so is mine. Wafty, wafty, wafty.

- Pshew, pshew, pshew! - Wafty, wafty, wafty!

- Pshew, pshew, pshew, pshew... - Wafty, wafty, wafty, wafty...

Wait, Lin, now I want to switch.

- LINDA: Too late. Goodbye. - BOB: Hmm.

Hi, um, two tickets to the Mud Stains, please.

One cool young adult and one...

Mom, are you a senior yet?

No. Thank you, Tina.

Sorry, it's sold out.

What? Sold out?

No! How?

I mean, you're a little late.

They started playing like a half an hour ago.

And the opening band even went long:

- Your Mom's a Fart. - Hey.

- Uh, that's the name of the opening band. - Oh.

But, also, concerts

- sell out sometimes. - Oh.

Oh, no. Hey, uh, wh-what if, uh, th-there's an extra

four dollars in it for you?

And, uh, some mints? And a maxi pad?

Nah. I can get free ones here.

- No! No, no, no, no, no! - LINDA: It's-it's got wings!

I don't care what anybody says. Gelato is good.

I would fight someone that said gelato wasn't good.

I would, at the very least, shake my head and go "mm-mm-mm."

BOB: Okay, well, now that we've given you a ton of sugar,

let's get you to bed. Tina, did the gelato help you at all?

(sighs)

Tina said I should eat hers.

She said it would make her feel better.

I think she wanted us to split it.

Is it full of tears?

It is tear infused, I think. Sorry, Tina.

- Ah! It's them! It's them! - LINDA: Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God. - The concert must be over.

- Dad, follow those teens. - LINDA: Follow those teens, Bob!

Okay, but the light is still red.

I'm riding a gelato high. I'm up for anything.

Yeah. And I'm so jacked up on sock smell, I feel invincible.

Green light, Dad. Go!

GENE: Go, go, go, Dad.

TINA: But can you follow them better?

LINDA: Yeah. Come on, Bob.

BOB: Okay, I'm trying.

It's hard to follow people who are walking

- when you're in a car. - There. They went in there.

- Park, Dad, park. - Park, Bob! - Why aren't you parking?

BOB: It's a lot of different driving instructions.

- LOUISE: Are we parked yet? - TINA: I love you, Dad,

- but what are you doing? - BOB: Hold on, hold on.

I-I-I'm-- (sighs) I angled wrong.

I nosed in, but I can, I can save it.

Let me just back up a tiny bit, and then pull in some more.

Bob, why didn't you just back in?

I know! I know! I thought I had room.

- I can make this work! - Dad, come on!

The teens grew up already.

Okay, it's very easy to judge the parker

when you're not the one parking.

- Here we go. Kind of. - Okay, Dad, Dad, Dad!

There. We're parked. Let's talk about something else.

Okay, I'm going in. Wait. What's my plan?

Um, what if I, like, sit near them

and casually sing a Mud Stains song?

And they'll hear me, and they'll be like,

"Hey, we just went to their concert."

And I'll be like, "Yeah, I-I went to that concert, too.

I mean, basically. I wa-- I was right outside of it."

And then we'll talk all night about how similar we all are.

But not all night. Maybe just for a few minutes?

No, all night seems fine.

We don't want to waste this parking spot.

Oh, my God. What if we exchange phone numbers?

I need a phone! All cool kids have phones.

There are plenty of cool people who don't have phones.

Not right now with that speech, Mom!

- O-Okay, okay. - Uh, here. Tina, take mine.

Thank you, Dad.

Text me the menu.

- Whoa. - Sit anywhere you like.

Okay, I'm just gonna sit here for a sec.

And then maybe I'll move over there.

Great. I love when customers move around. Something to drink?

Oh. Um, no. Yes. Coffee.

Like, uh, those kids are drinking over there?

- That's coffee, right? - (phone buzzes)

- Yes. Good eye. - Hello?

LINDA: Hi, you're on speaker. How you doing?

GENE: And heads up that your mouth's

- just hanging open. - Oh, okay. Thanks.

And you sat at, like, the farthest booth away from them.

TINA: Yep, yep. Didn't quite get my legs

all the way where I wanted to go.

And I guess it's gonna be hard for them

to hear me singing from way over here.

Just belt it.

No, Tina. Do-Don't do that.

People like people who sing loud in restaurants. Ask Mom.

♪ They do...! ♪

But yeah, don't do that.

(sighs) I just got to figure out a way to start over.

Should I go out and come back in?

Yes. And do you know how to cartwheel? Try that.

Tina, it's Louise. Just pretend you have to go to the bathroom

and then sing it on the way.

But put it in words they understand.

Tell them you got to make a "nine inch nail."

Yeah. Some of that could work.

Okay. Here I go.

♪ Here's a riddle ♪

- LINDA: There she goes. - GENE: Nope.

- She's sitting down again. - BOB: She's up. She's doing it.

You're halfway. Keep going.

Nope. Legs? Remember? What I just said? Okay.

♪ Here's a riddle, it's my ♪

♪ Middle finger ♪

♪ Is... ♪ (gasps, groans)

LOUISE: What's she doing?

(groans) What am I doing?

Is she waiting on them?

That's not what's happening, right?

LINDA: W-Why would she do that?

LOUISE: It's her training kicking in.

She's like the worst Jason Bourne.

Oh, I can't look.

Um, here you go.

Thanks. Wait. Do you work at that burger restaurant?

Uh, yeah.

And you work here, too? Aren't you, like, a kid?

- Uh... - Are you sitting here now?

Customers don't usually pour the water. Here's your coffee.

Uh, okay, um, uh, hmm. (gasps)

- Oh, uh... - Sorry, sorry. Uh...

Oh, geez.

- I'll get a napkin. - Sorry.

Uh, I've got to make a nine inch nail. Bye!

- Whoa! Hey. - Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh.

- (grunting, panting) - (phone buzzes)

Tina? W-We saw what happened.

I mean, your mother didn't see. She had her eyes closed.

Uh, you doing all right?

I've got to get out of here! I messed everything up!

And I ran into the bathroom, and now I don't know how to leave

without walking right by their table!

LINDA: It's okay, honey. It's okay.

LOUISE: Tina? It's Louise again.

We're gonna get you out of there.

I can't pull up any schematics of the building,

- but look around. Do you see a window? - Yes.

It's really small. I-I don't think I can fit through it.

GENE: Maybe take out your bones and then try it?

Tina, it's okay.

Just get back out there and talk to them.

Yeah. Y-You can turn this around.

Of course you can. Just take a deep breath

and calmly walk out there and...

Start the car! I'm gonna make a run for it!

Tina, no!

(grunting)

Uh, money. Uh, here-here's money.

(grunting)

(yells)

LINDA: Tina, honey! What happened? Tina!

Oh...

So, nice to get out and about together.

No?

Quiet in there.

She's not sobbing, like earlier. So that's good.

Do you think Tina needs a sock necktie?

She's probably feeling left out. Should we go to the hamper?

Or, maybe, actually, I don't want to wear mine anymore.

So I win?

Do you? I mean, you have a pretty serious rash.

And I'm getting one, too.

I feel like we both lost.

And so did everyone around us.

Yes. Sorry, but yes to that.

Well, if we're quitting at the same time,

then maybe we both win?

And we're both strong, powerful women?

Yeah. Way to go.

Yeah, congrats, congrats.

- Oh, thank God! - Yes, finally!

What creams do we have?

Anything in the anti-fungal family?

Quite a few, I think.

Knock, knock.

I don't want to talk about it.

You sure?

- Yes. - Okay.

I don't know how to walk in boots like that!

I don't know why they like that band!

I-I don't know how to be like them.

It's just, I know I'm never gonna be confi-cool.

Tina, you are confi-cool!

No, I'm not. I'm just me.

But, honey, that's the secret to being cool.

Being who you are, doing your own thing.

But I don't want to be who I am. I want to be them!

I know, sweetie.

I remember that feeling, when I was your age.

I just wish you could see what I see.

Then you'd know how great and cool and interesting you are.

That's the stuff you have to say because you're my mom.

No, that's what I know from being a teenager.

Come on, you think I never tried to change who I was

to make the cool kids like me?

But trying to make people think you're cool is exhausting.

And when you stop trying, suddenly the next person

you talk to thinks you're the best person ever.

Thanks, Mom. Thanks for trying to help.

But... ugh.

(moans)

(dramatic piano music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Okay, ketchups, you're all married.

You can go start your ketchup families now.

(chuckles) Or not. No pressure.

- (doorbell jingles) - My ketchup wants to marry a mustard.

- Please don't do that. - Love is love!

Hi!

Hi. I'm picking up a to-go order.

- (gasps) - Oh! I'll get it.

- How's it going? - Oh.

Uh, hi.

I've been in a few times. I'm Sage, by the way.

I'm Tina. From here,

and also from falling on my face in the Greek place.

That looked painful.

It was. And-and I thought I broke my glasses.

But I didn't. So feeling pretty good about that.

- I like your glasses a lot. - Really? Thanks.

They're prescription. For my, um, eyes.

- Makes sense. - I like your nose ring.

Thanks. I like your barrette.

M-My barrette's prescription, too. (chuckles)

(laughs) Same with my nose ring. Doctor's orders.

Here you go, hon.

Thanks. Keep the change. See you.

Bye, Sage.

Look at you, cracking jokes, you cool little cucumber.

Ah! Holy crap! I talked to her!

We talked! We were two cool people talking to each other!

- Ah! Ha! Yeah! - Ow!

- All right. - Oh!

- You're high-fiving all of us. - Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

GENE: I'll take it.

TINA: So, I guess

I'm just gonna do my own thing?

I'm not quite sure what my thing is,

but I think I like it?

Oh, God. I'm thinking about it too much.

Forget it. Forget it. Um, new topic.

Uh, like, um, when French people kiss with their tongue,

do they call it "us kissing"?

♪ Wafty, wafty, wafty ♪

♪ Pshew, pshew, pshew ♪

♪ Wafty, wafty, wafty ♪

♪ Pshew, pshew, pshew ♪

♪ Wafty, wafty, wafty ♪

♪ Pshew, pshew, pshew ♪

♪ Wafty, wafty, wafty ♪

♪ Pshew, pshew, pshew ♪

♪ Wafty, wafty ♪

♪ Wafty, wafty ♪

♪ Wafty, wafty ♪

♪ Wafty, wafty ♪

♪ Wafty, wafty, wafty ♪

♪ Pshew, pshew, pshew ♪

♪ Wafty, wafty, wafty ♪

- ♪ Pshew, pshew, pshew ♪ - ♪ Wafty, wafty, wafty. ♪

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