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1
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.
2
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(BELL TOLLS)
3
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(GULLS SQUAWK)
4
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SHARON: Such a waste of a good life.
5
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:06,640
Aye. Tony was a...tragedy.
6
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Look, why am I here?
I'm just a workin' pleb noo.
7
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Tomorrow is Tony's funeral service.
8
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(CLEARS THROAT)
Bereavement celebration service.
9
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And the Eager Beavers are taking care
of all the costs and arrangements.
10
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Why?
11
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Because he gave his life
trying to clean up this city.
12
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You make it sound like
he died a hero.
13
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He was an arsehole
who fell doon some stairs!
14
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,680
We can't all be popular like you.
15
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,320
And so his wife doesn't sue us.
16
00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,400
I want you to make
all the arrangements.
17
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:41,600
(SCOFFS)
18
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:42,880
And in return...
19
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,400
..I'll give you
your team leader position back.
20
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,920
With a 1% pay rise.
21
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:55,520
How dare you?
22
00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,920
- 2%.
- Where's my vest and radio?
23
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:01,160
Questions?
24
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,640
What is a bereavement
celebration service?
25
00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:06,800
Karaoke, backing dancers?
26
00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:07,880
What kind of...
27
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,480
Stars In Their Eyes theme. Crazy.
28
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:13,520
I'm just sorry I won't be there
to pay my respects.
29
00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:14,880
You're no goin'?
30
00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:16,920
I already had a personal day
booked off.
31
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,040
- Oh.
- Spa day.
32
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:23,160
I'm going for some deforestation.
33
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:26,680
Unless you think I should
save the rainforest?
34
00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,320
The r...
35
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:30,400
The...the rainforest?
36
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:34,120
The rainforest is always wet.
37
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:39,240
- SHARON: Jock.
- What?
38
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,480
I'd like to introduce you
to Francesca.
39
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:45,640
Fran... Oh, Francesca.
How you doin'?
40
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,240
SHARON: Tony's widow.
41
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:53,040
I'm...very sorry for your loss.
42
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:59,240
I must admit, I've never been to
a bereavement celebration service.
43
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,240
Tony loved music.
44
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,240
Every funeral director I contacted
laughed when I said I wanted this.
45
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:07,640
Not us, though.
46
00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,880
No. That's why I told my lawyer.
47
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:17,440
(VOICE WAVERS) You give Tony
the tribute he deserves.
48
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,560
Now, if you'll excuse me,
49
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:23,200
I think I need a wee drink
to settle my nerves.
50
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:24,280
Of course.
51
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,720
A free drink.
52
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,640
Did you arrange the singer?
53
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:40,040
Aye, Kaitlin's boyfriend
and his singin' partner.
54
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,800
- Oh.
- (CLEARS THROAT)
55
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,040
You get a good deal?
56
00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,160
- (DOOR OPENS)
- No.
57
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,000
JOCK: Oh, there they are now.
58
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,680
Alright, Matt?
Good to see you again.
59
00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:51,360
Yeah, you too, John.
60
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,480
It's Jock.
61
00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:56,800
Is this, uh, the performance area?
62
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(PROLONGED VIBRATO SINGING,
GLASS BREAKS)
63
00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:04,240
Ohhh, yeahhh!
64
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:05,560
Do you hear that?
65
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:06,840
Yeah.
66
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,160
The acoustics are...not great.
67
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:11,680
For karaoke?
68
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:17,600
Karaoke is for amateurs.
We are tribute performers.
69
00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:19,560
Look, Matt, honestly, it's fine.
70
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:23,720
Look, don't you worry about it,
my big, luscious llama.
71
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:25,480
We've got everything
under control.
72
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:29,840
I'm gonna need a glass of iced water
and a slice of lemon, for my larynx.
73
00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:34,000
Kaitlin, maybe you should take them
to the dressing rooms, eh?
74
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,320
Well, look, follow me.
75
00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:38,800
(JOCK SIGHS)
76
00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:41,040
Catch you later, Jim.
77
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,880
- It's John.
- Jock.
78
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,160
- Jesus.
- No, Jock.
79
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,320
No, I mean...
80
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,400
SHARON: If she sues us...
(VOICE FADES)
81
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,920
Gonnae gie us a pint, Legend?
82
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,640
You alright?
83
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,480
That traffic cone Matt works wi'
always has her nose up at me.
84
00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:59,000
- Just cos you're better lookin'.
- Oh, you're sweet, Legend.
85
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,000
(DOOR CLOSES, MAN SIGHS)
86
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,080
Legend, I'll have a pint.
87
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:07,480
What?
88
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:08,840
What are you wearin'?
89
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,200
It's my uncle's suit.
90
00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:14,120
Is he still in there, aye? You could
fit a family of four in there.
91
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,520
- You no got your ain suit?
- Of course I have.
92
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:17,680
But this is a magic suit.
93
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,160
Your uncle the magician?
94
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,000
The great Randolphy.
95
00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:22,400
The guy on the telly?
96
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:23,880
No, the one fae Easterhouse.
97
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:27,200
But this...this is a fanny magnet.
98
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:28,880
That explains
why it's stuck on you.
99
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:30,440
BOAB: Very funny (!)
100
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:32,920
Where's Jessica?
101
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,760
Are you pullin' out
a' the stops, aye?
102
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,440
Well, she's worth it.
103
00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:39,520
First time I saw her,
I felt somethin'.
104
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:41,440
It's called an erection, Boab.
105
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:42,880
That's 3.20 for the pint.
106
00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,560
One, two.
107
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:48,480
Two fifty.
108
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,560
Jesus Christ, no got anythin' bigger
back there apart fae your arse?
109
00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:54,320
I deserved that one.
110
00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:57,720
The tribute performers want someone
to set up the sound system.
111
00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:59,240
LEGEND: I'll dae it.
112
00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:02,400
You better magic up another 50,
David Plain.
113
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:04,760
Can I get yous anything?
114
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:08,520
No, but allow me to get you...this.
115
00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:10,600
(CHUCKLES) What's this for?
116
00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:11,920
Well, Jessica,
117
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,880
I like my women
how I like my pints.
118
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:15,240
That can't be right.
119
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:19,240
Otherwise you'd be paying
£150 a pint...shagger.
120
00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:20,720
Look, I know
what you think of me,
121
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:22,680
but I also know it's no true.
122
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,320
And in time, I'll prove it.
123
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:29,360
Mm. A man with patience.
That's rare.
124
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,640
Unfortunately, that is true.
125
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:35,560
Look, men should just realise that
good things come to those who wait.
126
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,880
Well, let me take your order,
for I am a waiter.
127
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,080
KAITLIN: God, waiter?
128
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,720
The only thing you're servin' up
is a platter of shite.
129
00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:45,240
You know, twice he's asked a lassie
her name during sex.
130
00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,280
What is the matter wae you?
131
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:52,560
It's for the greater good.
132
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,120
Last thing we need is you
spreadin' your genital warts.
133
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:56,640
It wisnae warts!
134
00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:58,560
It was a rash, no warts.
135
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,680
And you've blueballed me
for the last time.
136
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,760
And I will have my vengeance.
137
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:04,520
(GASPS)
138
00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,720
- I seen you run away!
- BOAB: No, you never.
139
00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:09,880
CRAWFORD:
Good morning, good morning.
140
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:10,960
Afternoon.
141
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,120
G'noon, g'noon then.
142
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,000
What time does this shindig
kick aff at?
143
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,720
It's no a shindig, Craw.
144
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:23,120
What...the hell are you wearing?
145
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:26,040
Jaikit, troosers,
£12 oot the charity shop.
146
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,760
Crawford, you look like
a blinking carrot.
147
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:33,160
Pardon?
148
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,640
Do you no think
it's a wee bit...inappropriate?
149
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:38,480
What, cos of the tie?
150
00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:41,680
They had a black one, it was £8.
This grey one was only two quid.
151
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,680
- Grey?
- Who's gonna really bother, anyhow?
152
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:47,360
That's a fair point, Craw.
153
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,560
I'm gonna get a pint.
154
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,800
If you see Tony's missus,
tell her I want a word.
155
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:58,400
So, not only is he deaf as a post...
156
00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,320
..but he's colourblind as well.
157
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:01,960
CRAWFORD: Pint, please, Legend.
158
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,720
Why d'you look so depressed?
159
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:13,280
You do know this isnae
a six year old's birthday party.
160
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:18,400
Bereavement celebration service.
Key word, celebration. So cheer up.
161
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:20,440
I think she's referrin' to your suit.
162
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:23,160
- You look like a Chuckle Brother.
- (CHUCKLES)
163
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,960
(ENGLISH ACCENT)
To me, to you.
164
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:29,000
Your shoes, they're... Why?
165
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,520
(TAP SHOES CLICK-CLACK)
166
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:37,680
The guy in the charity shop says
they bring out my personality.
167
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:39,200
Now where's Tony's missus?
168
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:42,720
I need to get that locker key
aff her.
169
00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:44,120
Locker? Tony's work locker?
170
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:46,240
Aye, I might need to gie her
a bit of patter.
171
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:47,400
Woo her, you know?
172
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,160
Oh, woo her? You?
173
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:52,160
Ho, in ma heyday,
I could charm the pants aff a nun,
174
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,920
wae a smile
and a packet of raspberry ruffles.
175
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,760
Will you stop fidgeting?
176
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,320
You. Little Miss Beaver.
177
00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:07,200
The barmaid just took a call
about the canopies, and...
178
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,120
Who is that?
179
00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,760
Oh, that's Crawford.
180
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:16,400
Why is he wearing that?
181
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,560
Eh...Elton John.
182
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,400
Elton John?
183
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:22,000
Aye, Elton John.
184
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,920
Elton. Eltzy. EJ, EJ.
185
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,400
You know,
who Tony and Craw loved.
186
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:29,520
EJ this, EJ that.
187
00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:31,120
EJ?
188
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:34,240
God, that's so cringe. So Tony.
189
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,120
So, you were saying?
190
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,800
Yes, the barmaid took a call,
191
00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:41,120
and apparently the canopies
are not coming.
192
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,480
None of them are coming.
193
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:45,760
- Back o' the...
- Sh-sh-sh.
194
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:47,920
Do we really need the canopies?
195
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,560
Oh, I'm sorry. Can you guarantee
it's not going to rain?
196
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,320
Are you in fact Carol Kirkwood
fallen on very hard times?
197
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,560
Yes, we need the canopies.
198
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,080
No canopies, no service.
199
00:09:58,120 --> 00:09:59,160
I've got one.
200
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,040
You've got one?
201
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:03,760
I've got two actually,
in the house.
202
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,440
Just alang the road.
203
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,440
I'll...I'll take you.
204
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:08,960
BOTH: Oh, no, no!
205
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:12,080
To be honest, I could really do with
getting out of here for a moment.
206
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:13,800
After you, Francesca.
207
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:17,120
Oh, thank you.
208
00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:21,160
EJ?
209
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,400
Well, it worked. She believed me.
210
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:26,040
Er, aye, but now
he's on his own with her.
211
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,200
SINGING PARTNER: Oh! Oh!
212
00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:32,320
Oh my God! (SHRIEKS)
213
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,320
What are we doing here?
214
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,360
It's a favour, sexy.
215
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:39,720
Well, this is a freak show
of a favour.
216
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:43,400
You're the freakiest little minx
I ever met.
217
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:44,720
Look, what were you doing,
218
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,040
being all over that cleanin' pleb
in front of me?
219
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,600
Oh, babe, I have to do that for her.
220
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:53,680
Look, our time will come. I promise.
221
00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:56,200
My sexy little freak girl.
222
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,200
Well, look, I might be a freak
in the sheets,
223
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,160
but I am a lady in the streets.
224
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:05,200
Oh, forget the sheets,
my sexy little...bear fish muffin!
225
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:07,480
Bear fish?
226
00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,080
Cos you know how to smack
my salmon out the stream.
227
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:12,800
(BOTH MOAN)
228
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:16,440
Oh God, yes! Oh yes!
229
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:20,440
Boab, give me that black wire
out the box, would you?
230
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:27,560
Thanks.
231
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,400
Legend, the stockroom,
I was just...
232
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,640
I know. They're terrible people.
233
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,520
If that lassie's tan
got any mair orange,
234
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:37,240
she'd need permission aff the council
to walk past a chapel.
235
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,400
And that guy.
236
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,160
Why's wee Kaitlin
with that dipstick?
237
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,240
Oh, he's definitely
a dipsticker.
238
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:43,360
What?
239
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,240
Legend, I need your advice.
240
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:48,160
Ah-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.
241
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:49,760
I'm no behind the bar.
242
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,600
Aye, well, you're still a barman.
243
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,800
A priest does not take confessional
unless he's in the booth.
244
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,200
Legend, please.
245
00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:58,800
Alright, alright.
246
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,200
What is it?
247
00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:04,560
What if you knew something bad
about somebody
248
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,960
and some other body,
who you care about,
249
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,760
should know that bad something
about that somebody,
250
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:11,560
but you cannae tell
that other somebody
251
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,840
because they'll think
you made that something up
252
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:16,440
to get back at them
for something else?
253
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,520
Well, see when I lived in Manchester?
254
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:24,280
I once tried to pay my bar tab
with Scottish money.
255
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:27,280
And the two lassies behind the bar
argued wi' me
256
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:30,400
that that was not legal tender.
257
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:31,480
So I said to them,
258
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,440
"Well, why don't you
go back to my place
259
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:37,440
"and we'll do some things
that are possibly not legal
260
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:41,160
"but are definitely tender?"
261
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:42,400
And you know what?
262
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:44,720
We did.
263
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:47,280
That's got nothin' to do
with what I'm talkin' about.
264
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:50,000
But I don't know
what you're talkin' about.
265
00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,080
But mine was a fuckin' good story.
266
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:56,800
FRANCESCA: 'I love your suit.'
267
00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:59,560
It's a lovely gesture.
Tribute, really.
268
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,440
Uh-huh. So, Tony's locker key...
269
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,600
Do you know, Tony hated funerals.
270
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,400
He always thought
they were so morbid.
271
00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:07,520
That's why I wanted this
to be a celebration.
272
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:11,520
I couldn't agree with you more.
Black tie events should be outlawed.
273
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:15,040
So, Crawford, I...
I hear you like EJ.
274
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:16,840
Excuse me?
275
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,480
I hear you love EJ.
276
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:20,960
Well, who doesn't?
277
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,840
I mean, he's not my
personal favourite,
278
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:25,080
but, em, you are being very kind
279
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,960
so I suppose the least I can do
is treat you on the way back.
280
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,960
Oh, well, at my age,
I need to take any opportunity.
281
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,080
(CHUCKLES)
282
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,520
JESSICA: 'All of this is weird
for you too, right?'
283
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:50,760
KAITLIN: 'A Stars In Their Eyes
themed funeral?'
284
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,840
No. No weird at all.
285
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,840
What is Stars In Their Eyes?
286
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,520
Oh, it's an old TV show.
287
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,280
It's a bit like if The X Factor
was solely based in Blackpool,
288
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:00,440
or even Possil.
289
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,440
- Possil?
- Blackpool, but without the lights.
290
00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:04,800
Ah. I quite like Blackpool.
291
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:06,760
- I quite like Possil.
- (THEY LAUGH)
292
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,920
To all things that are shit but good.
293
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,560
Speaking of things that are shit.
294
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,080
Hello.
295
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,400
Kaitlin, could I borrow your watch?
296
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:17,800
Do you think I'm stupid?
297
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,560
(CHUCKLES) Naw.
298
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:23,080
I think my life would be a whole lot
easier if you were. Please.
299
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:24,520
(SIGHS) Right.
300
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:26,080
It's my one good watch, Boab.
301
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:29,760
Now, behold.
302
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:33,040
As you can see,
beautiful watch.
303
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,160
As you can see,
beautiful handkerchief.
304
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:39,080
But wait.
305
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:41,600
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
306
00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,320
- Very impressive.
- BOAB: Yes.
307
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,600
Aye, right, now gie's it back.
308
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:50,960
Well, I've actually just made it
reappear on Matt's wrist.
309
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,000
- If you go to the stockroom...
- Let me guess.
310
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,120
I open the door
and a bucket of water falls on me?
311
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,160
No, honestly.
312
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,800
This is part of your
revenge plot.
313
00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,480
Will you just trust me?
314
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,960
Last lassie you said that to
needed a morning after pill.
315
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,520
That was different.
316
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,680
Jessica, can you gie us
a minute, please?
317
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:11,280
Look, there's something
I need to tell you.
318
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:12,360
Boab, what is it?
319
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:14,960
Matt's cheating on you.
320
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,080
I seen them gettin' it on
in the stockroom.
321
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:20,040
Are you gonna slap me?
322
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:22,600
No.
323
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,680
They slaps were for a mate.
324
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,320
Mates don't lie like that.
325
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,880
Kaitlin. Kaitlin, I wisnae lyin'.
326
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:30,160
Kaitlin?
327
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:33,360
Can I have the rest of your pint?
328
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,560
(SHARON SIGHS)
329
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:36,880
What's that?
330
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:40,360
The costumes for the dancers.
Are you sure these are gonna fit?
331
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,600
I don't know. I've never met...
332
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,000
Kaitlin!
333
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,240
Do you know these dancers?
334
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:47,760
No, they're Zoey's friends.
335
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,040
Will they fit?
336
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:52,440
Look, Zoey told Matt the sizes.
Matt told me, I told you.
337
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,720
Fine. Can you gie them to Matt?
338
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:56,160
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
339
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:02,000
This bloody idiot dragged me
all the way to his house
340
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:03,120
and offered me...
341
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:05,400
..that.
342
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,880
- Oh...
- Craw!
343
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:10,120
Canopy.
344
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,160
Canopies.
345
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,200
- SHARON: For the rain.
- Oh.
346
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:17,080
And then on the way back,
he asked me for a...
347
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,120
..BJ.
348
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,240
I never. She...
You offered me!
349
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:24,360
No, I offered you EJ.
EJ, as in Elton bloody John!
350
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,400
JOCK: Aye, Craw.
351
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,840
Elton John,
who you and Tony love.
352
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,480
I thought you meant BJ,
as in blow...
353
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,400
BOTH: Billy Joel!
354
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,480
Billy Joel?
355
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,360
Mm-hm.
356
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,880
Oh, Billy Joel, that guy
that sang that song, that...
357
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:42,320
That's the one.
358
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,880
Right, Craw, why don't you go
and get yourself a pint, eh?
359
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:48,120
And for the love of God,
book in to get your ears syringed.
360
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:49,600
Sorry about the mix up.
361
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:52,440
What about Tony's locker key?
362
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:53,720
Not the time.
363
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:02,680
(WET MOUTH SOUNDS)
364
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:08,960
Matt, the dancers' costumes
have arrived.
365
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,680
Oh, hey!
366
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,200
Uh...
367
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:13,800
Uh, perfect.
368
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,040
Just put it down there, please.
Thanks.
369
00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:18,240
Aye. What are you doin'?
370
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,920
Uh, just some vocal warm ups.
371
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,840
Listen, Matt, I need to talk to you
about something.
372
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:25,240
I know I'm probably being...
373
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,640
(SIGHS) Sw...sweetheart.
374
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:31,080
Could I please trouble you
for a glass of water
375
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:33,800
with some...lemon in it, please?
376
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:36,440
It's...it's the dust in here.
It's, uh...
377
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,120
Yeah, aye. Sure.
378
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,760
Matt, why are your trousers
on the floor here?
379
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,480
Uh, well, they're...
380
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,200
Uh, because I was doing
some stretches
381
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,920
and some...extensions.
382
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,000
And your lucky pants?
383
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,920
Well, the pants...
384
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,560
Where's the tangerine?
385
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,280
(GROANS)
386
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:04,960
Tangerine?
387
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,600
Nae canopies
could be a good thing.
388
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,440
What do you mean?
389
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:11,080
Well, people paying
their respects outside,
390
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,440
it's no even a nice day.
391
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:16,880
Which is why we need the canopies.
392
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:22,240
The point I'm making is keep Tony
inside with us, with the celebration,
393
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,840
and once people pay their respects,
the party can start.
394
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:27,440
Jock can make a speech.
395
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:31,040
Once everyone's arrived,
and we can set up chairs inside,
396
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:32,520
people can pay their respects.
397
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:36,240
And when the celebrations begin,
the drinks are flowing,
398
00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:38,360
everyone can have fun.
399
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:41,800
You'll make a speech?
400
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:43,320
Do you have something prepared?
401
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,280
Speech? I... (GROANS)
402
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:49,040
But when it comes from the heart,
you don't need a script.
403
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:50,120
Right, Jock?
404
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,000
You know, Tony was very lucky
to have you as a friend, Jock.
405
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,680
Speech? I... I cannae.
406
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:07,280
I can't... I don't...
407
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,000
I didn't even like Tony!
408
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,400
I didn't even like the guy.
409
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:11,920
Don't speak ill of the dead.
410
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:13,160
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
411
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,880
Right, that's your
sound system workin'.
412
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,200
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
413
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:22,440
Eh, you're gonna need a soundcheck,
but the Legend does not sing.
414
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,800
Why does it always get tangled?
415
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:29,160
Double whisky, eh, Jessica.
416
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,160
Oh, I know how you feel.
417
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,600
All mornin' I've been goin' over
what I needed to do today.
418
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:35,920
Carefully plannin'.
419
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,400
Thinkin'.
420
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:42,760
And one simple
mishearin' of a word...
421
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,600
..goes and ruins it all.
422
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,680
I'm scared to ask,
but what are you talking about?
423
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:52,240
- Tony's locker key.
- What's so special about his locker?
424
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,480
His is at head height
and mine is at the bottom.
425
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,440
Do you have a bad back
or something?
426
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,840
No, but every time I go into it,
I get...
427
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:01,160
..canoochied.
428
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,080
(WHISPERS) What's canoochie?
429
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:13,400
Canoochie!
430
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:15,280
Agh! McShane, ya bass!
431
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:21,280
Canoochie! (LAUGHS)
432
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:22,720
SHARON: Canoochie, Crawford!
433
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,480
Oh, shut up, Crawford!
434
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:26,120
The beaver poked your arse?
435
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,560
Hey! The beaver?
That's my auntie.
436
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,800
Sorry, did Jessica's auntie,
the beaver, poke your arse?
437
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,320
The beaver's your auntie?
438
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,920
Her name is Sharon,
439
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:39,320
and boss or no boss, I don't like
people talking shit about her.
440
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:45,840
SHARON: Testing, testing.
One, two, three.
441
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:52,080
# It's been a long time, honey
442
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:55,600
# It's been a long time,
it's true #
443
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:57,240
That is a beautiful song.
444
00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:58,960
Aye.
445
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:02,000
Listenin' to her up there singing'
makes me think to myself...
446
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:03,360
# Love with you #
447
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:05,000
..I'd pump her.
448
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:06,080
Boab.
449
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:08,000
I'm being ironic, man.
She's horrible.
450
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,120
Eh, Boab.
451
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:10,760
You're misunderstanding me here,
452
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:12,520
I'd rather staple my baws
to the table.
453
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,000
For fuck's sake.
454
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,320
BOAB: What? What?
455
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:16,760
That's her auntie.
456
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:19,120
The one she's livin' wae.
457
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:22,520
Oh...fuck.
458
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:24,520
(DOOR OPENS)
459
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,960
- (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
- (SHOUTS) Matthew!
460
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,280
Stage performance is off.
461
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:36,720
Oh my God.
462
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:37,760
Whit?
463
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:40,880
(WET SLAP)
464
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:47,720
It...it's off? What's happened?
465
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,880
People are going to start arriving
in 15 minutes. Why is it off?
466
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:52,320
Jessica, calm down.
467
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:53,400
Oh!
468
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:56,920
When, in the entire,
full, rich history
469
00:21:56,960 --> 00:22:00,520
of lack of calm mitigation techniques
has telling someone to calm down
470
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:02,680
ever actually led them
to calming down?!
471
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,040
- One time I did.
- JOCK: People are arriving.
472
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,960
Why don't you make sure
they get to their seat
473
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,840
and...and we'll take care of this?
474
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,320
Hey, did anybody see
the size of that boy's tadger?
475
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:19,240
See it? Fuckin' winked at me
on the way oot.
476
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:22,400
(DOOR OPENS)
477
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,440
SHARON: Kaitlin,
are...are you alright?
478
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:32,920
Guess you were
tellin' the truth, eh, Bob?
479
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,040
CRAWFORD: What truth?
480
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:44,400
KAITLIN: I'm so sorry.
I've ruined the whole thing.
481
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,440
JESSICA: Nothing is ruined.
482
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:48,600
We've no got a singer,
so it kinda is.
483
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,520
We still have the dancers.
We can make do.
484
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,920
The dancers are Zoey's friends.
They're no comin'.
485
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:56,760
I can sing.
486
00:22:58,040 --> 00:22:59,880
Legend, can you host?
487
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:02,320
I can manage that.
488
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:05,120
I'll be a dancer.
489
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:10,000
Let's go, people are
starting tae arrive.
490
00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:14,640
JESSICA: Boab.
491
00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:16,920
Yes?
492
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:21,400
I had friends that never told me
that my boyfriend cheated.
493
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:27,080
What you did
was pretty decent.
494
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:34,200
(PUB HUBBUB)
495
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:45,000
SHARON: Get out of the way, McShane.
496
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,640
Jock, what're you waiting for?
497
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,920
I cannae... I don't know what to say.
498
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,120
Look... Look, start with a joke.
499
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:56,640
Then say something sweet about
how...how you'll always remember him.
500
00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:59,320
Em, then wrap things up
by telling...
501
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:02,920
..telling everyone to have a drink.
502
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:06,160
Look, if this fails,
we...we all go under.
503
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:09,320
I need you to be a real leader.
504
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:12,160
It's your company.
How do you no go up and dae it?
505
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,160
Because she hates me, and...
506
00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:20,320
..I'm not the most...personable.
507
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:21,760
Aye, well, that's true.
508
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:24,280
(SIGHS)
509
00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:29,480
I'm...
510
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:31,760
I'm asking for your help here, Jock.
511
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:37,720
(JOCK CLEARS THROAT)
512
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,560
Hello. Um...
513
00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:43,400
Thank all for being here. Um...
514
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:44,680
Uh...
515
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:51,600
I'll never forget what I said
when...when Tony kicked the bucket.
516
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:54,240
I said "I bet I could
kick it further!" (LAUGHS)
517
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:55,320
(SCATTERED CHUCKLES)
518
00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:58,200
You know, eh,
Tony...Tony was by the book.
519
00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:01,480
And I think we all just wanted to go
"Bye, book!"
520
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:05,400
Tony was very much...
521
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:09,840
..very, very much
a company man, you know?
522
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:11,360
In it for the company.
523
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:13,960
You know, let's do it together.
524
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:15,280
And to be honest,
525
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:18,080
every time I would hear this,
I'd think 'what a lot of shite'.
526
00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:19,560
(CROWD GASPS)
527
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:21,160
But I can honestly say,
528
00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:23,200
after everything
through this experience,
529
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:27,960
that I think I've finally learned
what was meant by all that.
530
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,160
MAN: That makes no sense.
531
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:32,760
And that is what made Tony
no just a good team leader...
532
00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:35,760
..but a good man.
533
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:41,400
- So, for Tony...
- CROWD: Tony.
534
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:42,800
JOCK: ..for Tony...
535
00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:45,040
IN UNISON: Chop chop.
536
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:48,880
(TONY LAUGHS)
537
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:51,880
(LAUGHTER ECHOES)
538
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:56,320
LEGEND: Dearly bedraggled,
we are gathered here today
539
00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:59,280
in this church of inebriation
540
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:01,920
to celebrate the memory
of our Tony...
541
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,240
# DANCE
542
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:07,120
..with one of his favourite things,
Stars In Your Eyes.
543
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:10,400
# I feel alive
544
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:14,560
MUSIC: "Real Love 2002" by The Time
Frequency (Jon Campbell edit)
545
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,360
MUSIC TRACK:
# One, two, one, two #
546
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:28,520
# Take me higher #
547
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:30,400
MAN: Oh, shut up!
548
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:31,560
# Give me real love
549
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:33,360
# Give me what I need
550
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:37,560
# And together we can take it higher
551
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:40,200
# You make me feel so good
when you're near
552
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:43,840
# Just like I knew you would
553
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,000
# I feel alive #
554
00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:47,880
(MCSHANE SNIFFS)
555
00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:49,400
Argh!
556
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:52,240
# I feel alive
557
00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:55,840
# I feel alive
558
00:26:58,000 --> 00:26:59,640
# I feel alive
559
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:01,440
# I feel alive
560
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:05,720
# I feel ali-li-li-li-li-li-live #
561
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:09,480
(MOUTHS)
562
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:15,320
JESSICA: Here.
563
00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:17,640
To more things
that are shit but good.
564
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,000
MUSIC TRACK:
# One, two, one, two #
565
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:34,000
subtitling@stv.tv
566
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:43,240
# I feel alive
567
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:49,760
# I feel alive #
568
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:50,800
.
37849
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