All language subtitles for Dirty.Water.S01E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10 English

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(METAL RATTLES)

(WHISTLES)

Mornin', lads.

Come on, it's gonna be a great day.
Let's get this loaded up.

Come on, let's get going, eh?

(IN UNISON) Shut up, McShane!

That's McShane's team away.

We're the only ones left.

Why are we the only ones
left behind?

Told you. Frank's been sacked.

How would you know?

Because Jock, women,
unlike men, are perceptive.

We have intuition.

(COUGHS) Bullshit.

Still got that cough, Boab, aye?

Comes and goes.

Clearly you've been sucking
the wrong kinda Fisherman's Friend.

MAN: "This is unacceptable, I twisted
hunners of arms for the Eager Beavers

"to get these contracts, by the way."

Look, it was a misstep.

There's no need to soak the whole
company with the same dirty mop,

not on the account
of a few bad mop heads.

"A few whit?"

I mean, one. One.
One bad mop head.

"Complaints make my judgement
look rotten.

"I put that many words in for you
I needed a thesaurus.

"I had to buy a book, Sharon!"

Look, there's a reason that
we are called the Eager Beavers,

cos beavers are known
as some of the hardest workers...

"Don't gie us your fancy antidotes

"or you'll be in the Clyde
swimmin' with the fishes."

Don't you mean sleeping with the...

"Just get it sorted. RFN!
Or I promise..."

(WHISPERS) Right... (MOUTHS) ..now.

"..they'll be the last piss stained
stairs you ever clean, hear me?"

Of course. All the best
with the election, councillor.

"Cheery-bye."

Get Jock in here.

Good morning, everyone.

ALL: Mornin'.

Rhona, has Frank been sacked?

I'm not at liberty to say
at the moment. (MOUTHS)

Jock, you're wanted in the office.
Have a nice day, all.

I would like you to explain...

..this.

Oh, there's Frank.

Mm-hm.

And he's moppin' away. Er...

Oh, he's, uh...
Oh, he's takin' his overalls doon.

Well, look, he might have been hot,
so... Ahhh, aye.

ON VIDEO: (MAN GROANS)

He's peein' in the bucket.
Well, look, as long as he doesnae...

Yeah...aye.

He's moppin' the flair wae it.

The council has been flooded
with complaints from tenants.

Flooded.

This is not a joke, Jock.

I have just had to grovel on the most
humiliating call of my life

and all because Frank
has left a trail of high rises,

and I quote, "honkin' of pish".

Well, it's no ma fault.
It's no me on those recordings.

Well, you're his team leader.

Either you didn't report this

or worse, you didn't even realise
what was happening.

Hand over your vest and radio.

Why? Am I gettin' a new one?

SHARON: I don't know
where I went wrong with you lot.

I give you a well paying...

(KAITLIN SCOFFS)

..full-time job,
where you are treated with respect...

Ha!

..and dignity.

Is it about Frank gettin' the sack?

Oh, shut up, Crawford!

Frank got the sack
because he's an arsehole.

As of now, every one of you
is under review.

A, B, C.

A, always.

B, be.

C, cleaning.

Always be cleaning.

Team 141, I would like to introduce
you to your new team leader.

Tony!

(SHARON CLAPS RAPIDLY)

Excuse me.

My outlook on life is simple.

Dance before the music is over.

Live before your life is over.

Most importantly, work your arse off
before your shift is over.

(BOTH LAUGH)

If I can borrow from my hero,
Elton John,

don't shoot me,

I'm only the team leader.

(LAUGHS)

She's the company owner.
Shoot her.

We're already running behind.

Let's go. Chop chop!

Crawford, get up, ya lazy bastard.

You've done nothin' all mornin'.

You want to gie that a rest an' a'.

Tony catches you wae that,
you'll be up the dole wae Frank.

Boab, son.

As long as we watch
each other's backs,

there's nothin' that jobsworth
can dae to break us.

Solidarity, Boab.

Solidarity.

Robert!

What do you think
you're playing that?

What...what do you mean?

You're standing playing on your phone
while Crawford does all the work.

No, I amnae.

Bone dry.

How do you clean a floor
with a bone dry mop?

That's why this team's a shambles.

And I'm here to sort this mess out.

(CRAWFORD EXHALES)

Do you want to gie me
a bit of backup here, Crawford?

Eh, there is
an innocent explanation.

Which is?

The reason Boab's mop's dry
is because I says I would come up

and make a quick start
wi' the mop

if he brought the equipment up.

Exactly.

And if you never came
chargin' in here,

like a...a pitbull
in a Chinese shop,

with your baseless accusations,
then you would know that.

Where is the wet floor sign?

BOTH: The what?

If he got the equipment,
then where is the wet floor sign?

The wet floor sign?
That's a good question.

Boab?

In the van?

No more phones
during working hours,

and there'll be wet floor signs
on the wet floors.

That's how people slip and fall.

TONY: And snap their necks.

Hand over the phone.

And go get the wet floor sign.
Well?

Chop chop!

KAITLIN: 'You alright?'

What d'you mean?

You're no longer team leader.
It's kinda emasculating.

What? What...what...

What...what have I really lost, eh?

Other than being responsible
for you lot.

Responsible? You?

Ho, you've nae idea how many times
I've had tae go in the office

and take the heat for the stunts
yous lot have pulled.

All I know is it wisnae me.

That is no ma fault.

Wisnae me.

I take full responsibility.

Really?

No! It's nothin' to dae wi' me.

What are you two doing?

Just a quick fag break.

Indoors?

Who do you think you are?

You're not entitled to extra breaks
just because you smoke.

Where are the wet floor signs?

The whit?

The wet floor signs
for the friggin' wet floors.

Calm doon. We don't need them.

You care to explain why?

- Uh...
- Maybe we should just show him.

Visual demonstrations
are much easier to process.

Oh, mind your step there,
tenant of the high rise,

the floor is wet.

Oh, thank you, good sir.

And keep up the good work.

End scene.

Ha, ha...

..ha.

Let me give you two
a visual demonstration.

Tenant of this high rise
steps off the lift

with their only child.

You two have already moved
to the next floor.

So no warning is available.

Slips, falls, neck snaps.

Dies in the arms of said child.

And you two have to explain
at that funeral

why that child
has to grow up in an orphanage.

That wisnae really
a visual demonstration.

Yeah, you would have to slip,
fall and break your neck.

That wouldnae happen on our landing.

No.

(WHISPERS) I'm team leader.

And under my leadership,

there'll be no more fag breaks.

And you'll place wet floor signs
on the wet floors. Clear?

BOTH: Clear.

Chop chop.

CRAWFORD: Listen to this.

A 40 year old teacher got caught
shaggin' a pupil.

Dirty bastard!

They should castrate him.

It was a woman.

The teacher was a woman
and the pupil was...

Jammy wee shite!

Er, how's it any different
cos the teacher's a woman?

See when I was 14,

I used to fantasise every night
about shaggin' my teacher.

Boab, you were home-schooled.

TONY: Guys, come on!

ABC!

A, always.

- B, be...
- We're on our tea break.

You only get 15 minutes.

We're two hours ahead
and we've only one mair mission left.

It'll increase productivity
if we change the teams.

Increase? You want to increase?

Until there ain't no high rise
high enough,

ain't no stain low enough,

ain't no landing wide enough.

Sounds familiar...

So get to it!

Are you forgetting something?

The wet floor signs, for...

ALL: Wet flairs.

Chop chop!

# CHEERFUL UPBEAT

Hand up.

(KNOCK)

(MOUTHS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Tony, I don't need you to show me
the correct watter-bleach ratio.

Are you sure?

Because the rest of the team
got it wrong.

That is no my fault.
I've showed them a number of times.

Well, show me.

- It's two eighths to a half brim...
- Is wrong.

It's four eighths to the half brim,
or a quarter to the third line.

That's what's in the handbook.

That ratio is more slippy.
Two eighths to a half...

Is wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
The wrong ratio!

But...but...but...

(LAUGHS)

JOCK: But no in a practical sense.

When you get a practical
handbook authorised,

then we'll use a practical sense.

But until then, you'll use
four eighths to the half brim.

Are we clear?

Are we clear?

Aye.

Good.

Four eighths to the half brim.

Chop chop.

(WHISPERS) Chop chop.

(TONY'S LAUGH ECHOES)

That was a good effort today, guys.

It was good,
but not what I want yet.

What dae you want?

I want to work in that team
that never sleeps,

and find I'm team leader
on top of the heap.

I'll go debrief the boss, eh?

When he says debrief the boss,
does he mean pull down her pants?

(LAUGHS)

KAITLIN: I'm absolutely shattered.

Aye, you look how I feel.

Well, you better feel fantastic then,
ya manky wee dick.

We did an extra two high rises
on our missions the day.

An extra two!

Aye, thanks for that, Jock.
Thanks a lot (!)

You've proper done us over.

- Me?
- BOAB: Aye.

If you were a better team leader,
you wouldn't have got demoted.

Idiot!

That was no ma fault!

No. It's no your fault, Jock.

Thank you.

It's mine.

If I'd been wearing Paco Rabanne
back in '85,

I'd have been the man
that pumped your maw

the night you were conceived.

And I'd have brought you up
to be a better team leader.

Yous want to go for a pint?

SHARON: 'Oh, perfect timing.'

Councillor Sam, the man I was
telling you about, he's just come in.

Tony, tell us
how your first day went.

Completed an extra two missions,

so that's a 30% increase
on productivity.

But, there's room for more!

They have some bad habits
needing stamped out!

Did you hear that?

Did I not tell you
he was the best?

"I don't need you to dress it up so
it's prettier than a camel's arse."

- Don't you mean a horse's?
- "Whit?"

The saying, I think it's
'prettier than a horse's arse'.

"What's so pretty
about a horse's arse?"

Anyway, look, our problems are over.

"They're no our problems.
They're yours.

"And if any mair appear on my desk,

"you and your Eager Beavers'll be
swimmin' with the fishes.

- "Do you hear me?"
- Of course.

"Cheery-bye." (HANGS UP)

You should tell him
it's sleeping with the fishes.

Aye, I have.

(MEN LAUGH)

Brad Pitt's Barse?
Who the fuck names these horses?

15 to one, that'll do though.

Three pints, Legend.

Oh, keg's getting changed.

Take a seat, I'll bring it over
when it's done.

Who's changing it if you're up here?

New barmaid.

What? New barmaid? Where?

Is she a belter?

She's a belter, in't she?

That's why they call you Legend.

So you've got a new lassie
doon there changing a keg

while you're here
reading the paper?

Kaitlin... (CLEARS THROAT)

I'm a feminist.

Which means I believe
that a woman can change a keg.

Aye, alright, you calm yoursel' doon,
preenin' yoursel'.

Shaggin' you is like reheatin'
last week's chippy for dinner.

Forget it,
it's no gonnae happen for you.

You're just sayin' that
cos I've no tried it on with you.

Aye, we both know how that'd go.

Clearly we don't.

Alright, show us then.

Oh, sounds like a challenge.

Go on, show her
what you're made ae, shagger.

Alright, sweetheart.
Do you like magic?

Why?

Want to see me pull somethin'
out my troosers?

That's no what I meant!
I meant money for the round, man.

That is what I meant. (CHUCKLES)

Are yous no gonnae offer me a pint?

You're no pretty enough
to be this stupid.

Alright, maybe you're right.
It is ma fault.

It's just, we always have
such a laugh workin' thegether

that we're the perfect team.

Well, with the exception of Frank.

(LAUGHS)

Ohhh! (URINATES)

Frank!

Oh, Frank!

Frank!

He did piss himsel' a lot,
didn't he?

I should've had a better balance
of havin' a laugh

and makin' sure the job
was done right.

(SIGHS) Just get that vest
back aff Tony.

We good?

Legend, another pint of your finest
for our colleague.

Sorry about the wait.

Put them right there.

I hear you're strong enough
to change a keg.

(LAUGHS) Baptism of fire, eh?

Well, I'm Kaitlin,
and that's Jock, Crawford,

and this is Boab.

It's a meet to pleasure you.

A what?

It's a pleasure to...

Eh...

Pleasure to...

Legend says
you've just moved here?

I did. I'm...I'm living
with my auntie.

Mm. What did you do back in, em...?

About eight years of web design.

CRAWFORD: Lookin' for spiders?

I better get back to it.

Um, it was a meet
to pleasure yous all.

(THEY LAUGH)

Oh, would you get a grip?

Oh, I will get a grip.
A right good grip.

"Eh, it was a meet to pleasure you."
Aye, smooth, shagger. Smooth (!)

Well, you put me aff my game,
didn't you?

If you'd just let her put down
the pints, I'd have got a swatch...

..of her servin' technique.

(CRAWFORD AND JOCK LAUGH)

Ah, what's the plan then, Boab?

Just be myself.

Oh, aye, Operation Failure?
Good one (!)

Look, I've just laid down
the foundations.

Let her know I'm a lovable rogue.

Gie her a bit of Boab
before she gets the boabie.

Wee bit mair tense
than usual, Kaitlin.

Oh, shut up, Crawford.
I need a smoke.

(MOUTHS)

This is what happens
when you lose your vest.

I am not giving you my number.

How no?

Cos your nickname's the shagger.

- What?
- Everyone calls you 'the shagger'.

Look, it's one of
they ironic nicknames.

It's like... It's like
calling a fat guy 'slim'.

Or calling a total gentleman...

..shagger.

MAN: 'Come on!'

- How no?
- Wind your neck in.

You love a wee bargain.

Aye, no aff o' you, I don't.

Oh! Fancy meetin'
yous boys here, eh?

What is it you want?

Another sale of the century (!)

Like they designer denims
you selt me last time?

Aye, what were they, Craw?
Hugo, Ralphs, Calvins?

No, they were just labelled
'designer' in marker pen.

Aye, and that time you told me
you'd get a case of Lynx deodorant

aff the back ae a lorry.

Oh, aye, 20 cans for a fiver.
Good deal.

Till I learned it was Links,
L-I-N-K-S.

Gave me rashes
and I smelled like a sausage.

You smell like a sausage anyway,
big man, but that's by the by.

Listen, what I have in my back pocket

is what's gonnae make up for it all.

Check that out.

Fire that right in the back
of your telly

and you've got over 500 channels,
pay per view an' a'.

Aye, every one of them in Spanish?

- Ay, ay, ay, no me gusta.
- Ay, ay, ay, no es bueno.

That means sling your hook,
ya chancer.

What's got into yous mob, eh?

Oh, here, Legend!

Wait till you see
what I've got for you!

I think I'm due an exception.

Why?

Cos you assumed I was some dirty,
perverted, sex-crazed Louis Mario.

Do you mean Lothario?

Is that the guy
that slept with all the women?

(LAUGHS)

I can't decide whether I find you
cute or stupid.

Why not both?

I'll tell you what.

If, and only if...

Oh, shagger! What's happenin'?
Here, I've been lookin' for you.

Here's that collection you asked for.
Eight and a half gigs, by the way.

Everyone I Did Last Summer
and A Clockwork Orgy are magic.

School Of Cock's no too bad either.

But here, you might have warned me
Womb Raider was that kinda kinky.

I mean, she electrifies
the guy's baws!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, you are one dirty, filthy,
shaggin' bastard, so you are.

Never change, shagger.
Never change!

(IMITATES ELECTRIC SHOCK)

(LAUGHING) Ooh!

(SIGHS)

How'd it go?

Plenty mair fish in the chippy, Boab.

I can recover fae this.

Kaitlin, put in a good word,
will you?

Kaitlin.

- Kaitlin?
- Oh, sorry, what?

Dreamin' about my magic trick,
were you?

It'll take mair than an abracadabra
for women to see your wee willy.

Speaking of dicks
I'd like to make disappear,

you better square things
with that Tony.

(CHUCKLES)

TONY: 'You must feel much better,
working on the corporate contracts.'

I know I do.

Ahhh. This is the life!

(TONY LAUGHS)

A, B, Cs.

(CHUCKLES)

Right, I want this wrapped up
in 10 minutes.

Chop chop!

JOCK: Tony.

You need to have a look
at how you're treatin' this team.

In what way?

I just mean, to start with,
you don't need to be so strict

with the little things.

Little things?

JOCK: Aye.

If we're workin' and talkin',
we're still workin'.

If we're two hours ahead of schedule,

what's wrang with havin'
an extra five minutes on our break?

And there's nae need to be
so condescendin',

showin' people moppin' techniques
or the correct bleach balance to use.

- (BRUSH CLATTERS)
- And another thing.

For the love of God,
stop wae the 'chop chop'.

You don't get extra breaks.

You get paid by the hour.

Kaitlin is not taking fag breaks.

Robert is not on his phone.

You're not wasting time
chit chatting.

Look how much shinier the floor is
with the correct bleach-water ratio.

And here we are! (LAUGHS)

Rather than in the trenches
of the high flats.

And you have me to thank.

Results are far more important to me

than being liked.

Where are the wet floor signs?

When I get back, the wet floor signs
better be on the wet floors.

(WHISPERS) That's how people slip.

Chop chop.

- (THUD)
- TONY: Argh!

(CLATTERING)

We should probably
phone an ambulance, eh?

Let us have a fag first, eh?

JOCK: Well, it's back to
the old bleach-watter ratio.

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