Original subtitles

First Tom the Woodcutter, now Rosehip.

Fly in peace, my friend.

Right, bag him up.

(RUSTLING) -What's that?

(GASPS)

I think it's gone.

(RUSTLING)

(BOTH SCREAMING) (ROARING)

(EXCLAIMS) -Brian Weaver,

Munty Reserve Forces

at your service.

-What do you reckon? -For glory!

BARBARA: It must take you back

to your time in the SAS with Andy McNab.

Do you know what, it really does Barbara, yeah.

But I'm in the reserves

so I won't be doing any actual fighting.

It's just walking around basically, easy money.

What you are, Brian, is a sell-out.

You may as well wear a pair of fairy wings.

HERMAN: Yeah it's not like in my day.

We were proper soldiers.

Strong, brave.

I'm brave.

Well in that case, allow me to treat you to a portion of

Herman's fish pie.

Yeah, I'm not that brave.

Hey! There's nothing wrong with my fish pie.

Top up, Barbara?

Oh, I'd better not.

It's my first day

at the actual, real, official

-Seers Guild! (ALL CHUCKLING)

I've got my Sands of Time ready!

I might do a reading now, just to settle my nerves.

I also have plans.

Joining my new lady friend, Esme,

for a bit of dragon-spotting.

HERMAN: Really?

Do you think you'll actually see a dragon?

There won't be any dragon spotting.

But you just said...

Oh, Barbara, wake up and smell the toffee pears!

I'm not dragon spotting,

I'm "dragon-spotting"!

I'm going to have sex with her!

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Within the confines of a loving relationship.

Which, hopefully, will have been established earlier in the day.

BARBARA: That's horrible.

What Steg having sex?

No, the sands!

It's me,

I'm lying in a pool of blood.

And someone's attacking me...

(GASPS)

It's you, Brian.

Morning Munts!

Large pork gin please, Herman,

heavy on the crackling.

Here, come outside, you lot.

I want to show you something

amazing!

A rug.

Brian! Brian! Brian!

You ignorant

yet strangely loveable man!

No ordinary rug is this, my friend.

This

is a genuine

Mantusian

flying carpet.

Stand back.

Flying carpet...

Up!

Er... Rise!

(EXCLAIMS)

Wow!

Look at it go!

All right, all right. Stick a magic tassel

on each corner and then woof!

I'm in business.

Doing what?

Scenic tours,

Steg.

Munty by night.

The lava pits at dawn.

Whoo.

Fully fireproofed of course.

Emergency exits

literally everywhere.

And for you, my friend,

on the maiden voyage

I promise you

the best seat in the house.

-Cool. -HOWELL: And in return

all I ask for

is the amulet

of Uta-Rhamen.

Yeah, you're not getting it.

-Where is it? -I'm not telling you.

-I want it. -I won't tell you where it is.

-Give it! -Bye!

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Morning, ma'am.

Hey, mister, is that a real sword?

Sure is, kiddo,

stand back.

-Woah! (WOMAN CHUCKLES)

(BRIAN CHUCKLES)

Where you going?

(SWORD CREAKING)

KERRETH: Welcome to the Seers Guild.

I'm Kerreth,

Senior Divinator.

-Very, extremely... -Take your hat off,

we don't wear them inside.

Of course.

Not there! That's my peg.

Oh!

Not there! On a different peg to your hat.

Not there! That's my peg.

And not there! That's my other peg.

(BARBARA GRUNTS)

Ooh!

Big pictures.

You mean the pictorial divinations?

Exactly.

Many have come true,

the Plague of Cows, of course.

Others have baffled soothsayers

-for generations. -Ooh, spooky!

I don't know why I did that.

So,

I expect you want to work on celestial omens and apocalyptic prophecies?

-Yes, please! -You won't be.

You're doing weather forecasting.

Your desk is in the corner,

near the toilets.

Right.

(RUSTLING)

(SOBBING)

I've never seen him like this.

The eyes. Big eyes.

Staring at me. It was so scary.

I don't like it! I don't like it! I don't...

WILLOW: Better?

Yes,

thank you, Willow.

I've done a picture of it...

I don't like it! I don't like it!

That was him.

The Protector wants this

thing, whatever it is,

sorted.

It's probably nothing...

Money no object.

...that can't be solved

by a top class mage.

On double time.

Deal?

(STEG PANTING)

Steg! You made it!

Esme. Hi.

Right, lot of steps.

This is nice,

very private.

Meet the others.

Hiya.

(EXHALES LOUDLY) What are they doing here?

Er, dragon-spotting!

What, all of us?

Ah!

I'm not really into the whole group thing.

It is a dragon-spotting group.

Oh!

You're actual dragon spotters.

MARK: Yeah!

Dragon-spotting is what you'd expect

from a dragon-spotting society.

Bit slow!

Phut.

So,

have you

ever seen a dragon, Steg?

The answer is "no".

There hasn't been a dragon seen in Munty for over 30 years.

Thirty-one... Over 30 years.

What the krunt is that smell?

Brevit Blue.

Lovely and ripe.

As you know, or don't,

dragons are attracted by the smell of strong...

Smells.

Spotting scopes out.

You have brought a scope, haven't you, Steg?

Oh!

Commence spotting.

Steg, come and share my window.

Thanks, Esme.

(METAL CLANGING)

How's it looking?

HERMAN: Almost there.

(CLANGING CONTINUES)

There you go!

Isn't this worse?

Don't worry, Bri,

I've got it covered.

In here

is all me old warrior gear.

If the call comes,

I'll be ready.

Here you go.

Beautifully balanced,

name on the shaft.

"Mr. Axe."

-Reminds me of the time... -Not now, Herman.

Yeah.

MIRIAM: I've got one! I've got one!

Nah, it's a seagull.

(SIGHS)

MARK: Dragon! Dragon! Dragon!

Dragon!

Oh. No, sorry, it's just chimney smoke.

It does look like a dragon.

So, do we...

Shh!

You'll frighten the dragons.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

How was your first day?

Great!

Very, extremely great.

Very, erm, productive.

I should get going.

Can you just update the ledger with today's predictions?

Shouldn't take more than a few hours.

And no personal items on desks.

Oh, I was just about to...

-KERRETH: Not there! -Mmm-hmm.

Here to collect my patrol money. Brian Weaver.

Change of plan.

You're going on patrol outside the city walls.

There's a vicious creature out there.

-Get rid of it. -What?

-Why me? -'Cause of all your experience.

Escaping from Colditz,

saving that guy Private Ryan

and all your time with the X-Men.

You're not just going to send me out there on my own, are you?

'Course not!

We've got our best

fighting orc.

This is Fffffpeepoor.

-Big. -Plus Munty's finest wizard.

-Oh, for f... -Open the gates!

(METAL RATTLING)

(KEYS JANGLING)

Ah, er,

I can explain.

You're here for a reading?

Yeah.

Yeah that's it. Yeah, erm,

one reading please.

Official guild tarot cards okay?

Er, yeah, look,

is there any chance we could use the, uh,

crystal runes?

The priceless crystal runes?

Yeah.

Oh, I don't think so.

I don't even know where they are.

Double-locked strong box, north-facing wall.

Probably.

-Oh, why not? (CHUCKLING)

WILLOW: Shut the gates!

I'm just going to pop back and get the wine box.

(GRUNTS)

Phut.

Oh, great,

no wand.

Oh, well,

we've still got the big guy.

And "Mr Axe".

Thanks, Herman.

Hello?

Can I get another axe, please?

WILLOW: Coming!

(AXE SWISHING)

STEG: This is nice, isn't it?

What could be better after a long day's

dragon-spotting than a bit of fun.

(ALL CHUCKLING) -Absolutely.

So, Steg, what got you interested in dragon-spotting?

Oh, you know, just, erm,

really interested in the spottings of, of...

-Dragons. -Same, yeah!

But you've never seen a dragon?

There hasn't been a dragon

seen in Munty

for over 30...

Thirty-one...

Over 30 years,

as I believe I said.

Well, maybe you're using the wrong bait?

I mean, what else do dragons like?

A virgin tied to a post?

Tie him to a post, then!

(ALL LAUGHING)

ESME: Oh, Steg.

(GASPS)

Wow!

These are amazing.

Yeah.

I'm seeing

danger,

betrayal,

theft,

naivety,

and a large knife.

-LAMBO: Yeah. (GASPS)

Sorry.

I don't like this.

We should just go back. Tell him we're too scared.

Brian, we're on double time!

We want to string this out as long as possible.

Let's sit down, have a little drinky, eh?

Have some cheeky brandy.

Lovely stuff.

Relax,

there's nothing out there.

Here,

I got a little miniature for you.

Bang that home.

Instant whitey.

(RUSTLING)

What was that?

(WHIMPERING)

What is it?

How should I know? You're Munty's finest wizard!

Finest available wizard.

We're gonna have to be brave here, son.

Charge ahead, as a unit.

There's two of us and only one of it.

You up for it?

Three,

two,

one...

(SCREAMING)

Brian?

I will tell people what you did here tonight.

I might have to make a little bit up about what I did,

but rest assured, son,

nobody will forget the name

Brian...

Wibble?

Wibus? It's Wib-something,

-Wibin... -It's Weaver.

Brian! Brian,

what a relief.

Just a scarecrow.

That fits the description.

Look at that! (LAUGHING)

Blimey, after what you've been through,

I need a drink.

(DOOR OPENING)

(GASPS) Barbara!

BARBARA: (MUFFLED) Help, help!

Are you all right?

A man was here and he tricked me into using the crystal runes and...

Well, he took them and now they're gone and I'm very, extremely sorry.

The main thing is you're safe.

-Thank you. -Now, clear your desk.

What?

You're fired.

Your position's untenable and your Seers Guild membership

is rescinded.

Please leave.

Oh.

Not that door!

Oh.

FLORIAN: And, of course,

the Greater Iron Crested Dragon

was last seen in Munty

over 30 years ago,

thirty-one,

over 30 years ago

in a time of great crisis.

STEG: Hello, everyone.

Sorry I'm late.

It's a lot of steps.

By the way, I've brought everyone a little treat.

Ta-da!

ALL: Oh, amazing.

-It's teeth are brilliant. -And green.

I'm sorry, Steg, we cannot accept gifts

from non-members.

And you will have to leave

as this is

a members only club.

But I came yesterday.

-As a guest. -Well, he can be my guest again.

Technically, guests can only be ratified by the chair,

vis-a-vis myself,

unless proposed

via an extraordinary general meeting.

Well, then I'm calling an extraordinary general meeting!

You can't, you need the support of 75% of the membership.

You get my support.

-Mine too. -Oi!

Carried.

And I propose that Steg replaces you as leader.

-Seconded! -MARK: Thirded!

-Carried! -Carried!

Carried.

What is that bitter taste in my mouth?

Ah, yes, betrayal!

Is this what I get for over 29 years,

thirty years... Over 29 years,

of spotting dragons, is it?

You haven't actually spotted any though, have you?

No one is going to replace me,

because I quit!

At least I can leave with my dignity.

(SCREAMING) (THUDS)

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

-Now, as your new leader... -FLORIAN: Ow!

It's a lot of steps.

As your new leader, my first act is to nominate my deputy.

Esme, do come join me, Esme.

HOWELL: Well, that was the easiest money we will ever make, Brian.

BRIAN: You joking? You were terrified!

HOWELL: He was terrified!

You're having a laugh! It was me who was going after him with the axe.

Well, the axe handle.

Good old Mr. Axe!

Well, all I can say is

thank goodness it's all over.

I can't believe a scarecrow could kill all those people.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Scarecrows can't kill people!

Yeah, wise up, Herman.

'Course it wasn't a bloody scarecrow!

The only way that scarecrow is going to kill anyone is if they have a melon allergy.

(ALL LAUGHING)

HERMAN: A melon allergy! Nice one, Brian!

Well, something must have killed that fairy

and if it wasn't the scarecrow, what was it?

Well, it must have been something else doing it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Something else!

Howell,

when we came back in, you did close the gates, didn't you?

Stupid Seers Guild. Waste of time.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You all right?

(DEEP VOICE) Where is Howell?

Oh, you know Howell?

Where is the amulet?

Ow! That hurts.

Howell.

Amulet.

-Give me that. -What are you doing?

(SHATTERING)

Don't worry. I will reimburse you through the club.

(SCOFFS) Don't bother.

-We're leaving. -Oh!

-MIRIAM: Come on, Mark. -Okay.

-Bye, Steg. -Bye, Mark.

MARK: Mind the step.

Some people!

What if it was something bad

-and we've let it in? -I suggest

we tactically withhold that information, Brian,

until I get paid.

(GASPS) Caz?

Do you know her?

It's Caz Leaman from Total Data Publishing Solutions.

BRIAN: What's she doing here?

Well, she's obviously cut through the back of the fish market.

-It's the shortcut I use all the time... -No,

here, in Munty.

-BRIAN: Is she... -Dead?

-Was she working distribution? -Sales.

Under Jess.

-Oh, alongside Tim? -Well,

Tim's moved to head office now.

No way!

-He's a class act. -He's a brown nose.

(GASPS) Oh, no.

He's here, Brian.

He's in Munty.

Who's here?

No one.

-What you talking about? -Keep the amulet, Brian.

It's all yours!

(GASPS)

There's a woman

in the alley. She's been attacked.

That thing in the woods,

it's in Munty!

The eyes!

The big scary eyes!

(EXCLAIMS) You,

-sound the alarm, now! -Right!

(SCREAMING)

Sorry, where is that?

No!

-I'll go with him. -Don't leave me.

-No, I gotta... -Don't leave me.

Hawthorn!

-Go! -Let me...

Second on the left!

Don't leave me on me own!

You're hurting me!

This is great!

Yeah, just you and me,

no one to disturb us.

Yeah!

It's amazing.

You can see right across to the Fangtooth Mountains.

So, Steg,

fancy a bit of

"dragon spotting"?

Got one!

Oh, no, no, it's a hedge!

Steg!

Could you pass me the lens cloth, please?

Would you like to have sex with me?

Yes.

Within the confines of a loving relationship,

which I believe we established earlier today.

Esme! Oh!

(BELL CLANGING)

It's the alarm! We've got to leave.

(THUDS) (GROANS)

Esme!

Esmerelda!

Esmerelda!

(ALL SHOUTING)

Herman? Barbara?

Anyone?

HERMAN: There you go.

Fits perfectly.

Give me a hand with the rest of the stuff.

Didn't you hear the bell? We've got to get out of here.

I'm going nowhere.

I've been waiting for this moment for years.

Now,

time for Mr. Helmet.

Has my head got bigger?

Er, just getting some supplies for the journey.

You're getting us out of here?

Er, yeah, that's the one.

I'm ready to do me duty.

Good for you.

It's your big moment, son.

Carpet...

Up!

Atta boy!

HERMAN: Oh, Howell,

that's amazing!

Not bad, eh?

The bells!

The bells!

Phut me, what is that stink?

It's Herman's fish pie.

Good thinking, Brian! Rations!

Right, all aboard.

Ten sovs each, you can pay me later.

Now, hang on a minute. Where's Barbara?

Barbara, quick!

Get on the carpet!

You all right, Barbara?

Very extremely fine.

What's wrong with Barbara?

I don't think that is Barbara any more, Brian.

Howell!

Don't come any closer

or you'll get zapped!

(SCREAMING)

We've got to shut her eyes!

Not the winebox!

Eat wine!

(SCREAMING IN SLOW MOTION)

Gotcha!

Barbara!

Barbara!

Please don't die.

(CHUCKLES)

-Brian? -It's okay.

We're going to be okay!

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Howell,

we meet again.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Uta-Rhamen.

Hold on do you know this...

(INHALES LOUDLY)

-Thing? -Oh, sorry, Brian,

that's rude of me.

Brian, this is Uta-Rhamen,

he's a pan-dimensional being of inconceivable power.

Uta-Rhamen, this is Brian.

He's a bloke from Isleworth.

Total Data Publishing Solutions,

off the A316.

That's right, near that stupid roundabout...

Sorry, what's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on, Brian,

I'm about to teach pretty boy

a lesson he'll never forget.

Eat wand!

Eat sword!

Herman...

Your wand,

it's broken!

-What are you shouting for? -I can't hear.

Give me the amulet.

-My amulet? -Well, it's my amulet.

My amulet,

stolen by you, Howell.

Let's not get into "who took what from whom". It's really childish.

I have crossed many worlds

in order to... (SNIFFS)

What is that smell?

The amulet.

Why is it in me fish pie?

Because I had to put it some place no one would ever look.

Give it to me!

BRIAN: It's working again!

I can go home!

Give it to me

or I will destroy

all of your friends.

Don't give it to him, Brian.

No, put it on, Brian.

Save yourself.

Fine, take it.

(AMULET ZAPPING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Now, I am complete.

I shall rule Munty!

And not just Munty.

But Pockle,

Crefton,

Brevit,

Brevit Parkway.

(ROARING),

Phut me!

It's a Greater Iron Crested Dragon!

Attracted by the smell of Herman's fish pie.

Let's get behind the carpet, it's fully fire-proofed.

Oi, baldy.

Eat pie!

(ROARING) -Krunt.

UTA-RHAMEN: No!

(CRUNCHING)

(WINGS FLAPPING)

It's gone.

So is my amulet.

Brilliant.

It ate me fish pie!

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

I can't believe it's dead.

You really had me worried back there, Barbara.

I'm glad everything is back to normal.

(ELECTRICITY ZAPPING)

ALL: All right.

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