Original subtitles

♪

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪

[ Video game beeping ]

See, Stan? You gotta choose

if you wanna be in Gryffindor or Slytherin.

Yeah, can I do it?

Yeah, see, you gotta fight these fairy guys.

Randy.

[ Beeping continues ]

Randy!

The powder room toilet is broken.

Again!

Did you jiggle the handle?

Yes, I jiggled the handle.

Will you come fix this, please?

Okay, okay.

[ Beeping continues ]

Huh, well, let's see.

It's gotta be the little black floaty thingie.

What'd you do to it?

I didn't do anything.

Lemme see if there's water in the bowl.

No! Don't lift the lid.

Why can't I lift the lid?

Don't, Randy! Uh-huh.

Hey, guys! Your mom took a shit

and doesn't want me to see it.

Ew! Gross, Dad!

Randy! We need to get a new toilet.

We can't just get rid of ol' blue, Sharon.

This is embarrassing.

It's the powder room toilet, the one guests use.

You get a new toilet, Randy,

or I'm not helping you sell weed anymore!

Alright, alright. Sharon, you win.

As usual.

Poor ol' Blue.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Can I help you with anything?

Oh, yeah, just lookin' for a new toilet to replace Ol' Blue.

Alright, well, all our toilets here are standard bowl,

come with full warranty.

How much you looking to spend?

Well I'm not poor.

I happen to have my own weed business.

So that's pretty much the nicest one you have, right?

Yeah, that's probably the top model, you know,

before you start getting into the Japanese toilets.

Japanese toilets?

Yeah, they're the sort of the super-high-class

luxury models with all the bells and whistles.

But you probably don't wanna spend that kind of money.

I'm not poor.

Oh, well, we can show them to you.

The Japanese toilets are right over there.

Hi, Rick. This gentleman

would like to see the Japanese toilets.

Well, of course, sir. My name is Rick.

Let me know if there's anything you need.

These toilets are all equipped with the highest-end features,

including an automatic bidet system,

bluetooth capability, and seat warmers.

Seat warmers?

And the toilet senses when you've come into the room,

turns on a small light, plays welcome music,

and raises the lid for you.

Can I offer you come sparkling water or champagne?

Oh, sure, I'll take some champagne.

All the toilet's functions are operated

by a touch-button remote which you mount

where the toilet-paper roll used to go.

So then where do you keep the toilet paper?

With a Japanese toilet, you don't need toilet paper.

The toilet washes you completely clean.

You're mad.

No, it's true.

It has warm water and a dryer

and cleans you eight times better than toilet paper can.

Would you like to take one for a test drive?

Oh, uh, sure.

I did have kind of a big breakfast.

Right over here.

[ New Age music plays ]

♪

Oh, yeah ♪

♪

I, I, I ♪

Oh.

Oh, yeah ♪

[ Water running ]

Ooh. Oh, oh! Oh.

Ahhh!

Oh, oh! [ Chuckles ]

[ Farts ]

[ Farts ]

[ Button beeps, water running ]

Ohh! Oh.

[ Button beeps, toilet flushes ]

Okay, how much?

Guys, I wanted to talk to you because I want you all

to think about how we're viewed as a family.

You know, as a prominent weed dealer, we are successful,

and we're sort of looked up to in this town

because we have nice things that most families can't afford.

I mean, Stan, you're playing "Hogwarts Legacy"

on PS5, right?

You're playing "Hogwarts Legacy" on a PS5.

Yeah, my-- my point is that most people in town

don't even have a PS5.

They still have PS4s,

and so we're basically the Kennedys of South Park.

And the plain fact is that well-off families

have nice things,

and we shouldn't be ashamed of that.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hajimemashite. Japanese Torei des!

Uh, yes, thank you. Bring it on in.

Delivery men: Kyo fun yori! Kro fun yori!

Kyo fun yori! Kro fun yori! Kro fun yori!

That's the new toilet? How much did it cost?

Oh, Sharon. Tennish.

What's tennish?

Thousandish. Ten thousandish.

You spent $10,000 on a toilet?!

We don't have that kind of money, Randy!

Yeah, we do.

Shitsurei Shimasu! Owarimashita.

Okay, yeah, right here? Okay.

[ Boots clomping ]

Doomo! Aringanto gozaimashita!

Together: Aringato gozaimashita!

K, thanks.

You are taking that back to the store.

Try it, Sharon.

I don't need to, Randy. I want--

Try it, Sharon!

[ New Age music plays ]

♪

[ Button beeps ]

Oh, yeah ♪

Oh. Oh.

I, I, I ♪

Oh! Ohh!

Ah-ha-ha!

I wanna try it.

Shhh!

Ah-ho-ho!

Ohh!

[ Bell rings ]

Oh, look, there he goes.

It's Mr. Big Shot.

Hey, Richie Rich. You eating caviar

for lunch today, Richie Rich?

Stan, just so you know, nobody gives a shit.

About what?

Come on, guys!

Did you know some people can't even afford to eat?

How about caring for something that matters, you bitch?

What the fuck?

Hey, Stan, you really have to be careful.

Of what?

Look, it's great that you come from a wealthy family,

but people don't like getting their noses rubbed in it.

Dude, I haven't even said anything!

Well, your dad called everyone last night

and told them you have a $10,000 toilet.

What?!

Well, thanks for having us over for brunch, Randy.

Yeah, what's the special occasion?

Oh, you know, just good times with dear friends.

Does anyone need to go to the bathroom?

Uh, no, I'm-- I'm good.

Oh, maybe some more coffee, then.

Can you guys believe all the snow we've gotten?

Yeah, maybe it will actually help with the drought.

Let's hope so.

Does anyone need a bathroom break?

Well, actually, I-I think I could use the restroom.

That was kind of a big breakfast.

Oh! Oh, yeah, sure! It's, uh--

It's right across the hallway.

Right there.

[ New Age music plays ]

Butters' Dad: Oh.

What was that?

Oh, that's the welcome music for my Japanese toilet.

I've heard of those. Aren't they expensive?

Yeah, a bit.

But for those of us who can afford it,

it's well worth it.

Oh! Ohhh!

Ohhhh!

He's now turned on the rear jet,

which cleans your bottom with warm water.

Oh. Ohhh!

Ah! That's the front washer

that washes your balls, or vagina.

[ Farts ]

If you think about it, a dry piece of toilet paper

can't clean you half as well as pressurized water.

I feel bad that most people have to walk around

with fecal matter on their anus,

but I'm just lucky

I've sold enough weed to be able not to.

But was it really luck? Or was it hard work?

Heck, I don't know, but you know--

Dad, can I talk to you?!

Stan? You're back from school already?

I need to talk to you right now!

The fuck are you doing?!

Fuck are you doing?

You need to stop gloating to everybody!

I am not gloating.

Yes, you are, and now kids at school

are calling me Richie Rich!

They are?

Nobody cares about your stupid toilet

and you're acting like a jerk.

I'm acting like a jerk because I'm trying to help people?!

How are you trying to help people, Dad?

Because the people don't know that these toilets are awesome,

and I'm just, like, the well-respected guy

who's trying to open people's eyes like JFK.

You are not like JFK!

You're just showing off!

Nu-uh, I'm like JFK 'cause I am trying to change things!

You're part of a very respected family, Stan.

You should start acting like it.

Okay, who's next?

[ New Age music plays ]

♪

Oh, yeah ♪

I, I, I ♪

♪

Atashi wa Heia des-u ♪

Randy singing along: Toire ni iru kara ♪

Randy?

♪ Kimochi i i ♪

Randy! What?!

Your proctologist is here to see you.

My proctologist?

Atashi ♪

Oh, hey there, Doc.

Well, Randy Marsh, how are ya?

I'm doing great. How are you?

Wonderful! Just been super busy.

I'm actually takin' the wife to Tuscany day after tomorrow.

Tuscany? Wow. Awesome.

Yeah, well, Randy you haven't been in my office

for a few days, so I thought I'd come

do a house call to help you with your hemorrhoids.

Oh! No, Doctor.

I haven't needed to come to your office.

In fact, I don't think I'll be needing your services anymore

since I've gotten a Japanese toilet.

Oh-- Oh, really?

It's completely changed my life.

I'm healthier, I'm less stressed,

and I don't get hemorrhoids 'cause I'm not smearing shit

all over my ass with toilet paper.

Huh.

Here, here. You wanna come see it?!

Go on, check it out.

[ Beep, chime ]

[ Whirring ]

[ Doctor shouting, banging on toilet ]

D-Dr. Sheltair?

[ Shouting and banging continues ]

Dr. Sheltair?!

You stupid!

You ruined Tuscany! Gah!

Stop it! I hate you!

I hate you! I hate you!

Go on! Get out of here!

How am I supposed to tell my wife

we can't afford to go to Tuscany now?!

I never realized you made so much money off my ass.

Go on. Get.

Get!

[ Bell rings ]

[ Murmuring ]

Hey, Stan! Stan hold up!

What?

Well, um, you're just a really good friend, Stan,

and-- and I was gonna ask if maybe

I could borrow your plungercost?

What's a plungercost?

when your toilet's nice as yours, Richie Rich!

[ Laughter ]

I did it! I called Stan Richie Rich, too!

That was fun!

Stan, you've got to stop bragging about your toilet.

I'm not bragging about my toilet!

And why is it such a big deal anyway?

It's a big deal, Stan. You just don't understand why.

Have you ever asked yourself why we use toilet paper?

We're told to wash our hands... wear masks in crowds...

but for some reason, when it comes to wiping our ass,

we're told to do it with this little piece of paper.

We are all-- all of us-- walking around right now

with a little bit of shit smeared on our buttholes.

Did you know that 70% of people in the world

don't even use it at all?

70% of the world doesn't use toilet paper?

Look it up.

Most people in the world still use good ol' soap and water.

The average American uses 140 rolls

of toilet paper per year.

Can you even begin to imagine how many trees that is?

To supply the United States its toilet paper,

it takes 31.1 million trees per year.

A million acres per year of precious

Canadian Boreal forest alone,

releasing upwards of 25 metric tons of CO2

and leveling 90% of the land barren.

So, then, why do Americans use it so much?

Well, that's the big question, isn't it?

None of it makes any sense.

Just tell your dad to stop.

Americans don't want to change their toilets

and they never will.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a public service announcement.

One of our citizens has asked to speak with you.

Please welcome Mr. Randy S. Marsh.

♪

Thank you, Mayor. Thank you, everyone.

You know, the Marshes are a family that try to always

lead by example.

And we know that all of you appreciate that.

Everyone deserves to be clean, and the truth is, you can be.

You might not be the Marshes,

but you can afford a Japanese toilet.

Just not a really nice one like what we have.

If you take into account the money

we all spend on toilet paper, doctors, and hemorrhoid cream,

a Japanese toilet pays for itself in just a few years.

There are actually Japanese toilets made for commoners.

Walmart and Amazon all carry the lower

cost of shitty Japanese toilets that anyone can afford.

There's even these like attachment thingies

for your existing toilet

which will make you feel like a Marsh yourself.

They may not be Nihon No style-ru,

but they are good enough for you guys.

The point is-- even commoners don't need toilet paper anymore!

And, so, I am suggesting that this town puts all--

[ Gunshot ]

Man: Holy shit!

Randy?! Wah!

[ Screaming ]

I'm sorry, but he's in critical condition.

Who shot him?

Nobody knows.

Is he gonna be okay?

He's in a coma.

He's unconscious and just blabbering nonsense.

[ Monitor beeping ]

Bikkuri... Bikkurishita... Taiehn deshou...

Mr. Marsh, your whole family is here.

Your wife, your daughter, and your son.

T-Toire Wa?

No, your toilet is back at the farm.

Taihen ja naaaa....

Dad, I'm sorry I yelled at you before.

I didn't know you were really trying to help.

Kon-nichi waaa...

- Stan, where are you going? - I let dad down once.

Somebody has to pick up where he left off.

Harris: I promise we're doing all we can.

I'm sorry for what happened,

but you need to leave it to the professionals.

There's something more going on here.

I think my dad was on to something and I

didn't listen to him, and now he's in a hospital.

We've already got a few leads

and we're following up on all of them.

I assure you we take this all very seriously.

This isn't a joke to us.

- Chief, hey, Chief! - Yeah?

An angry proctologist walked in

to the toilet section of Home Depot.

[ Chuckles ] Y-Yeah?

Proctologist says to the toilet manager,

"I ain't taking the fall," and pulls a gun

on six Japanese delivery men.

[ Chuckling ] Okay.

So, then, the six Japanese delivery men show up,

and the proctologist has everyone held hostage

and says he's not taking the fall

for the Randy Marsh shooting.

Oh, shit, this is actually happening?!

Come on people let's go!

[ Radio chatter, siren chirps ]

I ain't going down for this!

You got that, coppers?! I didn't shoot anybody!

But if I'm going down,

I'll take these careless bastards out with me!

Would you like some sparkling water or cham--

[ Gasps ]

Come on out.

There's no other way, we have you surrounded.

I didn't shoot Randy Marsh!

- Taihen! - Nobody's saying you did!

No, but they're gonna use me as their scapegoat!

They'll fix things like they always do!

- Who will? - They'll use their lawyers

and their power to make it all go away!

Just like they did back when that 2nd grade kid

wrote a story in the school paper about toilets

two years ago!

They'll take me out, too!

[ Cocks gun ] There's no stopping them!

Don't do it!

[ Gunshot ]

Sabishiiiii!

Aww! Alright move in!

Secure the area.

2nd grade kid two years ago...

Wrote about toilets in the school news paper.

You weren't warning me about people getting upset.

You know more about this.

Hey!

You wrote a story in the school paper

and someone came after you!

Yeah I wrote a story, big deal!

Jimmy, I want to know who shot my dad!

They took everything from me, Stan.

My bike... my cat...

They were gonna sue my parents

for what I wrote in the school paper.

You're talking about the toilet paper companies.

Who has the most to lose? It's all toilet paper, Stan!

Follow the money! 140 rolls per American per year.

Factories pushing out roll after roll

while razing Earth's resources.

All of this for an unsanitary product

that has been proven to contribute to anal fissures.

Don't you get it, man?

Paper doesn't clean bacteria. It can't stop viruses.

With all that information,

you'd think the world health organization

would do studies to find alternatives.

So why don't they?

Because toilet paper is an industry worth

billions and b-billions of dollars.

Kimberly-Clark, Georgia-Pacific, Procter & Gamble.

They don't want Japanese toilets in America

and they have the power to stop them,

and to stop you.

I can't believe they shot my dad...

because he wanted to change things.

These people have deeper pockets than you can possibly imagine.

They can destroy everything you love, Stan.

Take my advice...

Don't. Squeeze. The Charmin.

You might be too scared Jimmy, but I'm a Marsh.

♪

My fellow Americans...

we have been coerced and brain washed.

While the rest of the world walks around

with cleaner buttholes, we are obsessed with dry paper

sold to us by billion-dollar corporations.

- Yeah. - Hey, yeah, he's right!

My father wanted everyone to see that there were alternatives.

But they don't want him talking about alternatives!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yea!

And we can't be blindly buying their products anymore.

And as a town, we will find alternatives,

and we will not be afraid to--

Stop! Stop! We're not doing this!

Dad! Everyone just stop, we're not doing this.

Thank you. South Park, uh, we-we're cutting this short.

I was totally wrong and I want to apologize.

No, dad, it's the toilet paper companies

that are behind all the--

Yeah, so, uh, w-we have nothing against toilet paper.

It's a great product and, uh,

it was childish of me to make fun of it.

Thanks, though. We'll see ya later.

Dad, we can't just back down.

Bro! I got fucking shot!

Japanese toilets are totally unnecessary,

and, uh, in case anyone else is listening,

I think all of South Park would like to apologize.

We retract what we said about toilet paper companies.

They-- They have done nothing but help us, and we are sorry.

South Park-- everyone-- say you're sorry.

All: We're sorry.

Okay, great. Come on, guys, let's go home.

What about helping people and leading by example?

We're not the Goddamn Kennedys, Stan.

Stop being an idiot.

♪

Nice to have you back, Ol' Blue.

You know, guys, I'm actually not that sad.

Having a Japanese toilet was great, but...

I've come to realize that,

when you have some big, nice luxury thing,

it eventually just becomes normal.

But you start comparing it to all the other things

in your life which suddenly feel you have to upgrade, too.

So, it's really best to just

stick with the beat-up, crappy old things we have.

Love you forever, Honey.

♪

♪

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0