Original subtitles

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] GOOD EVENING.

IT'S GOOD TO BE WITH YOU. I'M KATY TUR, AND TONIGHT, OUR

LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER.

WE GOT THE BALLOON. THE DISCOVERY OF THE MASSIVE SURVEILLANCE BALLOON EARLIER

THIS WEEK INFLAMED ALREADY VOLATILE U.S./CHINESE RELATIONS AND HAD MANY ON THE RIGHT

CALLING THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION'S RESPONSE SOFT, INCLUDING THIS TWEET FROM DONALD

TRUMP JR. SAYING, IF MY DAD WAS PRESIDENT, THERE WOULD BE NO BALLOON.

AND THIS ONE FROM MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN SAYING, LOOK, IT'S THE REAL MOON.

FOR MORE DETAILS, I'M HONORED TO BE JOINED TONIGHT BY PENTAGON OFFICIAL AND AVIATION EXPERT

GENERAL WILLIAM HAMILTON. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. CON KBRACH LAGSS ON YOUR

SUCCESSFUL MISSION. THANK YOU. WE POPPED THE BALLOON.

GENERAL, WE'VE NEVER SEEN AN OBJECT LIKE THIS GAIN ENTRY INTO OUR AIR SPACE BEFORE.

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? THAT'S AN EXCELLENT QUESTION, KATY IF BALLOON WAS SOMEHOW ABLE

TO GET PAST OUR WEST COAST ANTIBALLOON DEFENSE SYSTEM, THE SEATTLE SPACE NEEDLE.

BUT ONCE IT WAS HERE, WE WERE ABLE TO KEEP AN EYE ON IT WITH OUR SOPHISTICATED TRACKING

TECHNOLOGY OF GOING LIKE THIS. UNDERSTOOD. I KNOW THERE ARE QUESTIONS

ABOUT WHY WE DIDN'T SHOOT IT DOWN IMMEDIATELY, BUT WE WANTED TO WAIT UNTIL IT WAS OVER THE

COAST SO THAT IT WOULDN'T FALL ON PEOPLE OR GO... SHSHSH AND LAND ON MY CAR.

IT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS A VERY EXCITING OPERATION. CAN YOU TAKE US THROUGH IT?

WELL, I DID BRING A 3D RENTERING OF THE ENEMY TARGET. NOW, IMAGINE THIS IS A LOT

BIGGER, BUT THEN, PRETTY FAR AWAY, IT LOOKS A LOT SMALLER TOO.

NOW, THAT WAS GATHERING INTEL? WAS IT TAKING PICTURES?

WE DON'T KNOW. BUT I DO KNOW IF YOU TAP IT, IT PLAYS MUSIC.

♪ CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON ♪ OKAY.

WELL, GENERAL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HEROISM AND FOR PROTECTING OUR NATION.

THANK YOU, MRS. TUR, AND I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW WE WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY FORM OF CHINESE

SPY. TO BE HONEST, THEY ALREADY HAVE EVERYTHING THEY NEED FROM

TIKTOK, SO SCROLL AWAY, KIDS. THANK YOU, GENERAL. THIS IS EXCITING.

I'M GETTING WORDS WE HAVE LOCATED THE REMAINS OF THE BALLOON, AND I'M TOLD WE HAVE A

LIVE FEED. LET'S SEE HOW IT LOOKS. WELL, YOU GOT ME.

CONGRATS, YOU SHOT A BALLOON. WOW. BALLOON, WELL, I'M SORRY YOU'RE

IN THE WATER. BUT THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING TO US.

I ENTERTAIN YOU PEOPLE FOR FOUR DAYS, AND THEN GET SHOT BY BIDEN?

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M JOE'S OSAMA. NOW, I HAVE TO ASK, WHAT WERE YOU DOING FLYING OVER MONTANA?

I LOVE THE SHOW "YELLOWSTONE," SO I WAS JUST THERE.

IT'S LIKE "SUCCESSION" BUT OUTSIDE. NOW I'M ALL WET, SO WHAT A DAY.

WELL, I'M ACTUALLY SURPRISED YOU'RE STILL FLOATING. EXPERTS WERE SAYING YOU'RE THE

SIZE OF THREE BUSES. OKAY. OUCH.

I'M A BALLOON, SO THAT'S MY BODY. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOMEONE

MEASURED YOUR WIDTH IN BUSES? SORRY I'M NOT CAMERA READY. WHO IS THIS?

GET AWAY. I HATE THE OCEAN. I'M MORE OF AN AIR GUY.

LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT PEOPLE WERE WORRIED THEY WERE BEING SPIED ON.

MY BIME? A BALLOON? EVERYONE IS BEING SURVEILLED

CONSTANTLY, BUT IT'S ALWAYS SHOOT THE BALLOON AND NEVER, UNPLUG ALEXA.

IF YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT YOUR DATA, WHY DO YOU ALL KEEP YOUR BANK PASS WORDS IN THE NOTES

APP? YOU MAIL YOUR LITERAL DNA TO A COMPANY TO FIND OUT IF YOU'RE

LIKE 10% FRENCH, BUT JUST A BALLOON. NOW, THE CONCERN WAS THAT YOU

WERE TAKING SENT TIF IMAGES OF THE U.S. I WAS SO FAR AWAY.

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOUR AUNT TAKES A CONCERT VIDEO ON HER iPAD, AND THEY'RE LIKE, I GUESS THAT'S

MICHAEL BUBLE. I COULDN'T EVEN TELL WHEN I WAS LOOKING AT FROM UP THERE.

FRANKLY, I THOUGHT THE STATE LINES WOULD BE LIKE DRAWN OUT. I THOUGHT I WOULD SEE WORDS OVER

THE PLACES. WELL, WE JUST DID WHAT WE HAD TO DO TO PROTECT THE SECURITY OF

OUR COUNTRY. WHY? IS EVERYONE FREAKING OUT BECAUSE

I'M A CHINESE BALLOON. BECAUSE WHERE I COME FROM, I'M JUST A BALLOON.

THANKS FOR SPEAKING WITH US TODAY, AND WE'RE SORRY FOR HOW EVERYTHING HAD TO GO DOWN.

OH, KATY, DON'T DO THAT. YOU'VE MADE IT VERY CLEAR THAT I'M NOT WELCOME HERE, SO GOOD

JOB. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. YOU'RE GOING TO MISS THIS

CHINESE SPY BALLOON... I MEAN, NORMAL BALLOON. WELL, WHATEVER.

YOU ALREADY HAVE YOUR DATA. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

WITH...

FEATURING... MUSICAL GUEST, COLDPLAY.

AND YOUR HOST, PEDRO PASCAL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE. THANK YOU. I SPENT THE LAST YEAR SHOOTING A

SHOW CALLED "THE LAST OF US" ON HBO. FOR SOME HBO SHOES, YOU GET TO

SHOOT IN A FIVE STAR ITALIAN RESORT SURROUNDED BY BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, BUT I SAID, NO, THAT'S

TOO EASY. I WANT TO SHOOT IN A FREEZING CANADIAN FOREST WHILE BEING

CHASED AROUND BY A GUY WHOSE HEAD LOOKS LIKE A GENITAL WART. IT IS AN HONOR BEING A PART OF

THESE HUGE FRANCHISEs LIKE "GAME OF THRONES" AND "STAR WARS," BUT I'M STILL GETTING USED TO PEOPLE

RECOGNIZING ME. THE OTHER DAY, A GUY STOPPED ME ON THE STREET AND SAYS, MY SON

LOVES "THE MANDALORIAN" AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M FACE TIMING WITH A 6-YEAR-OLD WHO HAS

NO IDEA WHO I AM BECAUSE MY CHARACTER WEARS A MASK THE ENTIRE SHOW.

THE GUY IS LIKE, DO THE MANDO VOICE, BUT IT'S LIKE A BEDROOM VOICE.

WITHOUT THE MASK, IT JUST SOUNDS PORNY. PEOPLE WALKING BY ON THE STREET

SEE ME WHISPERING TO A 6-YEAR-OLD KID. I CAN BRING YOU IN WARM, OR I

CAN BRING YOU IN COLD. EVEN THOUGH I CAME TO THE U.S. WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I WAS BORN IN

CHILE, AND I HAVE 34 FIRST COUSINS WHO ARE STILL THERE. THEY'RE VERY PROUD OF ME.

I KNOW THEY'RE PROUD BECAUSE THEY GIVE MY PHONE NUMBER TO EVERY PERSON THEY MEET, WHICH

MEANS EVERY DAY, SOMEONE IN SANTIAGO WILL TEXT ME STUFF LIKE, CAN YOU COME TO MY

WEDDING, OR CAN YOU SING MY PRIEST HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OR IS BABY YODA MEAN IN REAL LIFE.

SO I HAVE TO BE LIKE NO, NO, AND HIS NAME IS GROGU. BUT MY COUSINS WEREN'T ALWAYS SO

PROUD. EARLY IN MY CAREER, I PLAYED SMALL PARTS IN EVERY CRIME SHOW.

I EVEN PLAYED TWO DIFFERENT CHARACTERS ON "LAW AND ORDER." TITO CABASSA WHO LOOKED LIKE

THIS. AND ONE YEAR LATER, I PLAYED REGGIE LUCKMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE

THIS. AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS CALLED RANGE.

BUT IT IS AMAZING TO BE HERE, LIKE I SAID. I WAS BORN IN CHILE, AND NINE

MONTHS LATER, MY PARENTS FLED AND BROUGHT ME AND MY SISTER TO THE U.S.

THEY WERE SO BRAVE, AND WITHOUT THEM, I WOULDN'T BE HERE IN THIS WONDERFUL COUNTRY, AND I

CERTAINLY WOULDN'T BE STANDING HERE WITH YOU ALL TONIGHT. SO TO ALL MY FAMILY WATCHING IN

CHILE, I WANT TO SAY [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] WHICH MEANS, I LOVE YOU, I MISS

YOU, AND STOP GIVING OUT MY PHONE NUMBER.

WE'VE GOT AN AMAZING SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. COLDPLAY IS HERE, SO STICK

HOLLYWOOD QUIZ. HERE'S YOUR HOST, JACK DELL MAR. ♪ LIGHTS SHINE SO BRIGHTLY,

TONIGHT WE DELIGHT IN JAMES DEAN AND GENE HARLOW ♪ ♪ ON THE BIG HOLLYWOOD QUIZ ♪

THANK YOU, THANK YOU. WELCOME TO THE SHOW THAT'S ALL ABOUT ENTERTAINMENT.

LET'S MEET OUR CONTESTANTS. FIRST, ROBERT IS A PROFESSOR OF FILM STUDIES AT TISCH SCHOOL OF

THE ARTS. GREAT TO BE HERE. FINALLY, MARY HOSTS HER OWN

SHOW ON THE HISTORY OF HOLLYWOOD. WHAT KIND OF SHOW WAS IT, MARY?

IT'S A PODCAST. OH, OKAY. WELL, OUR CATEGORIES ARE, THE

MOVIES, THE SHOWS, THE STARS, AND HOORAY. ROBERT, YOU'RE FIRST.

THANKS, JACK, WE GOT TO START WITH MOVIES. WE GOT TO.

THIS QUESTION IS FROM THE 1950s. IN ALL ABOUT EVE, SHE SAID, FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS, IT'S

GOING TO BE A BUMPY RIDE. ROBERT, YOU BUZZED IN FIRST. THE ONE AND ONLY BETTY DAVIS.

YES, THAT'S $500. THIS SHOW IS FROM THE '80s. IN 1983, THIS TV SHOW SET IN THE

KOREAN WAR HAD A FINALE WATCHED BY OVER 100 MILLION VIEWERS. MASH AND IT WAS WATCHED BY

106 MILLION. THAT'S IT. $500 FOR YOU.

GREAT JOB. NOW LET'S GO OVER TO THE 2020s. THIS BREAKOUT HIT IS THE CURRENT

NUMBER ONE SHOW ON NETFLIX. IT'S GINNY AND... ANYONE? IT'S THE MOST WATCHED SHOW ON

THE MOST WATCHED STREAMING SERVICE IN THE WORLD. NO?

GINNY AND... JUICE? NO.

IT WAS GINNY AND GEORGIA. SEASON TWO. IS THAT FROM EUROPE?

NO. IT'S TOTALLY AMERICAN. OKAY.

ROBERT, PICK A CATEGORY. LET'S GO TO HOORA WHY. THESE ARE ALL ABOUT AWARDS.

STICKING WITH THE 2020s. THIS FILM WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY SARAH POLLEY HAS BEEN

NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE THIS YEAR. NO ONE?

I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT. IT HAS AN ALL FEMALE CAST FEATURING OSCAR WINNER FRANCIS

McDORMAND. 80 FOR BRADY. NO.

ANYONE ELSE? CAN YOU GIVE US A HINT? IT'S WOMEN TALKING.

BE MORE SPECIFIC. NO. THAT'S THE TITLE.

WOMEN TALKING. THE WONDERFUL FILM. DO YOU ALL WATCH MUCH TV OR

MOVIES? I DO. AT LEAST 12 HOURS A DAY.

YIKES. HERE'S THE NEXT QUESTION. JUST LAST WEEK, ANDREA WAS

NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR FOR HER ROLE IN WHICH MOVIE? ANYONE?

ANDREA. THEY SAY IT WAS THE BEST PERFORMANCE OF HER CAREER.

CAREER? IT WAS TO LESLIE. THAT'S RIGHT, TO LESLIE.

IT'S GREAT. YOU SHOULD REALLY SEE IT BECAUSE SO FAR, IT'S MADE $27,300.

OKAY. THAT'S NOT A LOT FOR OPENING WEEKEND.

IT'S BEEN OUT FOR FOUR MONTHS. CAN I MAKE A REQUEST?

CAN WE DO A QUESTION WITH SOME BIG MOVIE STARS, PEOPLE WE WOULD ALL KNOW.

LIKE WHO? NICOLE KIDMAN. ABSOLUTELY.

THIS PAST YEAR NICOLE KIDMAN STARRED IN THIS DARKLY FEMINIST DRAMA ON APPLE TV.

WEDNESDAY? NO. ANYONE?

NOBODY? IT WAS ROAR. THAT'S RIGHT, ROAR.

NO. YES. OKAY.

LET'S DO SAMUEL L. JACKSON. EVERYONE KNOWS HIM, RIGHT? THIS PAST YEAR, SAMUEL L.

JACKSON STARRED IN THIS CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED DRAMA ON APPLE TV.

WEDNESDAY. NO. SORRY.

IT WAS THE LAST DAYS OF PETOLOME GRAY. COME ON.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. I'M PETOTALLY SERIOUS. I'M SURE THOSE SHOWS ARE

GREAT, BUT WHERE DID ALL THE POPULAR MOVIES GO? THEY'RE STILL HERE.

YOU CAN WATCH THEM ON YOUR PHONE ON THE TOILET. OKAY.

SINCE NO ONE IS IN THE LEAD, LET'S MOVE ON TO THE SPEED ROUND.

ROBERT, YOU'RE STILL IN CONTROL. OUR ERA IS THE '80s. GREAT.

THE YEAR 1989 FEATURED MOVIES LIKE THE LITTLE MERMAID, WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, BATMAN, DEAD

POETS SOCIETY, AND DO THE RIGHT THING. ROBERT, NAME THREE MOVIES FROM

THE PAST FIVE YEARS. OH, WOW. THREE?

OKAY. WOW. "TOP GUN."

OKAY. THAT'S ONE. GREAT.

OH, GOSH. THE HANGOVER? THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO.

THE NIGHT. MAN. SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE JUST

SAYING WORDS. COME ON. ALL YOU NEED IS ONE.

CAN'T YOU JUST NAME ONE MORE MOVIE? NOPE.

THAT'S RIGHT, NOPE! YOU WON THE SPEED ROUND. YEA!

WHY? JUST TAKE THE WIN, ROBERT. WHEN WE COME BACK, THESE THREE

WILL TRY TO GUESS WHAT JULIA ROBERTS IS DOING ON STARZ. BYE!

HBO'S THE LAST OF US IS A HIT SO A VIDEO GAME CAN BECOME A PRESTIGE DRAMA IN SPRING, HBO IS

DOING IT AGAIN WITH ANOTHER ICONIC GAME. IT'S BEEN TEN YEARS SINCE OUR

KINGDOM FELL. THE ONLY THING WE HAVE LEFT, HOPE.

I HAVE IMPORTANT CARGO I NEED SMUGGLED TO RAINBOW ROAD. PEOPLE SAY YOU USED TO DRIVE.

PEOPLE SAY A LOT OF THINGS. YOU GOT A NAME? IT'S A-ME, MARIO.

WHAT'S IN THE CARGO? NOT WHAT. WHO.

SHE'S A PRINCESS. AT LEAST SHE WAS UNTIL HE TOOK OVER.

WE'LL NEVER MAKE IT ON FOOT. YOU WON'T HAVE TO. LET'S A-GO.

FROM THE PRODUCERS OF THE LAST OF US AND THE MASTER STORY TELLERS BEHIND MARIO CARTS 1

THROUGH 8. WHAT'S IT LIKE OUT HERE? COMING OUT HERE ISN'T A GAME.

IF WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT, WE NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET. IT'S A-LUIGI TIME.

EVERYONE ON THIS ROAD WANTS US DEAD. WHAT IS THAT THING?

GOOMBA. FUNGUS, WEARING SHOES FOR LEGS. DRAMATIC HBO CHARACTERS.

I'M YOSHI. I'M BISEXUAL. NAME'S TOAD.

ALSO, I'M BISEXUAL. HBO PICKED THE WRONG GAME TO DO THIS WITH, RAVES VARIETY.

YEAH, THIS AIN'T IT, ADDS THE NEW YORK TIMES. YOU EAT THAT POISON?

IT MAKES ME FEEL BIG, OKAY? I NEED TO FEEL BIG! BECAUSE BOWSER'S OUT THERE.

AND HE'S THE MAIN BAD GUY. ♪ WE'RE OUT THERE IN OUR CARTS,

AND I NEED YOU TO TRUST ME. I'LL GET YOU TO RAINBOW ROAD. YOU CAN DO THIS!

NO. IT'S RED. WHAT IF WE CRASH?

A LITTLE GUY IN A CLOUD COMES AND USES A FISHING POLE TO PUT YOU BACK ON THE ROAD.

AND USES A FISHING POLE TO PUT YOU BACK ON THE ROAD. OH, OKAY.

HOW LONG HAS MY HUSBAND BEEN AWAKE? SINCE THIS MORNING.

AND HEY, CALL ME DR. JIM. HE'S STILL VERY WEAK AFTER THE COMA, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE HE WANTS

TO SPEAK. OH, MY GOD. I THOUGHT I LOST MY BEST FRIEND.

THIS IS A MIRACLE. I KNOW. LOOK, HE'S WAKING UP!

CHARLIE, HEY, IT'S ME. WELCOME BACK. OH, MY GAH.

WHERE AM I? WHY AM I IN THE BED? I DON'T GET ANYTHING THAT'S

GOING ON RIGHT NOW. DOCTOR? IT'S VERY COMMON.

HE'S GOING TO BE A LITTLE CONFUSED AT FIRST. WHY IS EVERYBODY... WHO IS

EVERYBODY? WHY AM I WEARING PAPER? DID YOU SAY PAPER?

THAT'S YOUR HOSPITAL ROBE, BUDDY. YEAH, HONEY, YOU WERE IN A

LITTLE ACCIDENT. WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME HONEY? WHO ARE YOU?

I'M YOUR WIFE. OKAY. NOT TODAY.

DID HE SAY NOT TODAY? I MEAN, WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR EIGHT YEARS.

LET'S JUST PUT A PIN IN THAT. DOCTOR? HE MAY NOT RECOGNIZE YOU

RIGHT NOW, BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT HE'S UP AND TALKING.

YEAH. BUT HE'S TALKING WITH THIS LIKE LA MUSH MOUTH THING.

I'VE LITERALLY NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE. YOU THINK I SOUND LA?

THANK YOU. I LOVE LA. HE HAS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT

PERSONALITY. THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL AND TEMPORARY.

THERE'S EVEN BEEN INSTANCES OF PEOPLE COMING OUT OF COMAS AND SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGES THEY

COULD NEVER BEFORE. CAN I SPEAK SPANISH? LET ME TRY.

SABA, SABA. SOUNDS LIKE SPANISH TO ME. NOPE.

NOT SPANISH. IS HIS BRAIN OKAY? WE'LL FIND OUT.

CHARLIE, LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY. YOU MEASURE MY LIFE IN HOURS, AND I SERVE YOU BY EXPIRING.

I'M QUICK WHEN I'M THIN AND SLOW WHEN I'M FAST. WHAT AM I?

DUH, YOU'RE A CANDLE HE'S FINE. THAT'S HOW YOU TEST FOR BRAIN

DAMAGE? HONEY, LOOK AT THIS VIDEO. THIS IS WHAT YOU NORMALLY SOUND

LIKE. HEY, BABE. MADE IT TO ARKANSAS.

PRETTY COOL PLACE. MISS YA. OKAY.

HE'S THE HOTTEST GUY I'VE EVER SEEN. WHY DOES HE LIVE IN ARKANSAS?

NO, CHARLIE. THAT'S YOU. YOU WERE ON A BUSINESS TRIP IN

ARKANSAS. THAT'S WHERE YOU GOT HIT BY THAT PARTY CITY TRUCK.

THAT'S SO NICE. AND WHO ARE YOU? ANOTHER WIFE?

NO, I'M NOT YOUR WIFE. I'M YOUR SISTER. LET'S PUT A PIN IN THAT.

WHY DOES HE KEEP WANTS TO PUT A PIN IN THINGS? ARE YOU SURE HIS BRAIN IS OKAY?

? ABSOLUTELY. WATCH THIS.

CHARLIE, IDENTIFY THESE OBJECTS, OKAY? BALL, BEE, BOAT, BABY.

HE'S FINE. GREAT JOB, CHARLIE. OH, THANK YOU.

PLEASE, I WANT MY OLD CHARLIE BACK. LOOK AT HIM.

NAH. I'M WAY SKINNIER THAN HIM. THAT'S BECAUSE YOU LOST 50

POUNDS IN THE COMA. OH, GOOD FOR ME. DOCTOR, ARE YOU... I JUST

DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE THIS. OH, MY GOD. DON'T CRY.

YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME CRY. COME ON, HOLD MY HAND. LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE,

AND DESPITE WHAT THEY SAY, I CAN SPEAK SPANISH. BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS

YOU'RE MY SOUL MATE, AND YOU AND I... YOU AND I ARE GOING TO BE FINE.

SEE HOW HE'S SOUNDING CLEARER ALREADY? BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT,

PEOPLE ALWAYS... [ LAUGHTER ] PEOPLE ALWAYS... AND THAT'S THE

TRUTH. OKAY. THAT'S SOUNDING A LITTLE...

WHAT DO I DO? MEET HIM WHERE HE'S AT. CHARLIE.

REALLY? YEAH. AND...

NOW I'M GOING CRY, AND I LIKE NEVER CRY. BRING IT IN, YOU GUYS.

OKAY, STUDENTS OF SAINT LAWRENCE HIGH SCHOOL, WELCOME TO YOUR ASSEMBLY ABOUT TECHNOLOGY

USE. SETTLE DOWN, ALL RIGHT? HERE TO GIVE THE PRESENTATION,

PLEASE WELCOME YOUR FAVORITE TEACHER, MR. BEN. MR. BEN!

THANK YOU. I THINK. OKAY.

LET'S START. FIRST RULE, DO NOT ACCESS IMPROPRIETY CONTENT ONLINE.

AND DO NOT BULLY ON SOCIAL MEDIA. COME ON, GIRL.

EAT IT UP. THANK YOU. I THINK.

AND HERE'S A NEW RULE. AS OF TODAY, DO NOT MAKE FANCAMS OF SCHOOL STAFF SUCH AS THIS.

♪ NO! SKINNY LEGEND, WHY ARE YOU DOING

THIS? BECAUSE YOU HAVE MADE THOUSANDS OF FANCAMS OF ME, AND

I'M NOT SURE WHAT THEY MEAN, BUT I KNOW IT HAS TO STOP. BUT WE MAKE THEM BECAUSE

YOU'RE OUR BELOVED, AND YOU HAVE US IN A CHOKE HOLD! OKAY.

DON'T SAY THAT. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY DO YOU MAKE SPARKLY FAST ROMANTIC

MONTAGES OF ME EVERY SINGLE DAY LIKE THIS. ♪

I MEAN, WE DON'T MAKE THEM EVERY DAY. YEAH.

JUST ON THE DAYS YOU SEND US OR GIVE US LIFE. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

DON'T WORRY. IT JUST MEANS YOUR FOOT IS ALWAYS ON OUR NECKS.

SEE. ♪ IS THAT ME RIGHT NOW?

HOW DID YOU MAKE THAT SO FAST, AND HOW DID YOU TAKE OVER ACCESS TO THE MONITOR?

MR. BEN, WHY YOU SO MAD? YOU'RE IN YOUR ASSEMBLY ERA. I'M NOT MAD.

I'M CONFUSED. IS THE WAY I ATE THIS UP A COMPLIMENT BECAUSE IT WAS NOM,

NOM DELISH AND HAD YOU GAG? EXACTLY. WE LOVE YOU DOWN, MR. BEN.

YOU'RE SO FATHER, PERIOD. OKAY. SEE.

BUT IF FANCAMS ARE... IF... OKAY. IF FANCAMS ARE BECAUSE I'M

FATHER, THEN WHY DID YOU MAKE FANCAMS OF LADY LUNCH PAULINA? BECAUSE PAULINA IS MOTHER.

♪ KIDS ON PHONE TOO MUCH. GROW UP WRONG.

GUYS, I'M TRYING TO UNDERSTAND IF FANCAMS ARE GOOD OR BAD.

DID YOU MAKE A FANCAM OF LUNCH LADY PAULINA TO MAKE FUN OF HER? NO.

WE MADE IT BECAUSE SHE ATE US UP AND LEFT NO CRUMBS. THAT'S IT.

FANCAMS ARE OFFICIALLY BANNED FROM SCHOOL. NO!

WHY, MR. BEN? THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT, BUT YOU'RE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

MID. I'M SORRY. I WANT TO BE A COOL TEACHER.

I KNOW I'M YOUR BIAS AND THAT I ALWAYS MUNCH ON IT, BUT I JUST DON'T GET IT.

WHAT'S... WHY DOES YOUR GENERATION HAVE TO MAKE EVERYONE A CELEBRITY?

WHY DO YOU FILM EVERYTHING? WHY? FINE.

YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? IT'S CUZ COVID. WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? BECAUSE THREE YEARS COVID MADE US ONLINE FOREVER.

BECAUSE COVID LOCK US DOWN WHEN WE ARE 11, AND NOW WE ARE 14, SO NOW WE HAVE TO MAKE YOU

DADDY. BECAUSE MOMMY WORKS REMOTELY ALL DAY AND DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO

EAT IT UP NO CRUMBS LEFT, SO WE MADE YOU DADDY AND MS. JENNY MOMMY.

WHAT? WHY IS MS. JENNY MOMMY? GUYS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WE'VE TOLD YOU, THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON BETWEEN ME AND MR. BEN.

OH, REALLY? THEN EXPLAIN THIS. ♪

HONEY, THEY HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH. LET'S JUST TELL THEM THE TRUTH.

MS. JENNY AND I, WE'RE IN LOVE. OOH! FINE, IT'S TRUE.

HE'S DADDY, I'M MOMMY, AND WE'RE ALL A HAPPY FAMILY.

NO CRUMBS LEFT. YEAH! ♪

THE CORNER, AND WING PIT HAS YOUR PARTY COVERED. WINGS ARE HERE!

WE'VE GOT GAME DAY SPECIALS THAT WILL KEEP THE WHOLE PARTY HAPPY, LIKE OUR TOUCHDOWN TRAY.

TWO DOZEN WINGS AND TWO SAUCES FOR ONLY 24.99. THAT'S SOMETHING WE CAN BOTH

AGREE ON. OR CALL AN AUDIBLE.

AND TRY THE STREAM PLATTER. JUICY BUFFALO WINGS FOR ONLY 39.99.

NOW WE'RE TALKING. AND IF YOUR PARTY IS REALLY RAGING, GO FOR TWO WITH WING PIT

TAILGATE FEAST. 20 DOZEN WINGS, FIVE ETHNICALLY TROUBLING SAUCES AND

A GALLON OF RANCH FOR JUST 89.99. THANK YOU.

WE'RE PROBABLY GOOD ON WINGS, THOUGH. BUT YOU COULD BE GREAT ON

WINGS. WITH WING PITS NEW TRAY OF TEARS.

600 OF OUR SUCCULENT WINGS PLUS 16 BUTT-DESTROYING SAUCES AND A KEG FULL OF RANCH

FOR ONLY 205.99. WE DON'T NEED ALL THAT. BUT YOU WANT IT JUST LIKE YOU

WANT WING PIT'S THE CHICKEN SMOOTHIE. IT'S 40 LIQUEFIED WINGS MIXED

WITH 80 PROOF ALCOHOL. MUST BE OVER 12 TO ORDER. OVER 12?

AND IF YOU'RE THIRSTY FOR MORE, TRY THE CARNAGE PLATTER. 3,000 WINGS

PACKED IN A BLACK CONTRACTOR BAG THROWN STRAIGHT THROUGH YOUR WINDOW IN TIME FOR KICKOFF.

HEY, IF YOU DON'T STOP, I'M CALLING THE POLICE. WELL, GOOD LUCK BECAUSE WE

OWN THE POLICE. WING PIT DONATES MILLIONS TO POLICE CHARITIES SO WE CAN

OPERATE WITH TOTAL IMMUNITY. AND THAT LETS US SERVE YOU THE CHICK NOBLE.

5,000 WINGS, 10,000 BEANS, A FULL GALLON OF HOT SAUCE AIR-DROPPED RANCH.

ALL PUMPED INTO YOUR PARTY VIA CEMENT SHOOT. OH!

AHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? TO HONOR THE CHICKEN GOD OF

DEATH. NO, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.

YOUR FATE IS SEALED. WING PIT. LET THE SLAUGHTER BEGIN.

COLDPLAY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪

♪ YOU AND ME ♪ WE'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY GREATEST STORY OF US

ONE FOR THE CENTURIES ♪ ♪ I SAW YOU I WAS BROKE OPEN TORE RIGHT INTO TWO

I NEVER SAW ANYTHING AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU ♪ ♪ IF I WOKE UP

AND ALL THIS WAS JUST A DREAM I WANT TO TELL YOU JUST WHAT YOU MEAN ♪

♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU THERE IS NO ONE ELSE I GET HEAVEN TO MYSELF ♪

♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU THERE IS NO ONE ELSE I FEEL THIS WAY

I'VE NEVER FELT ♪ ♪ ♪ YOU AND ME

WE'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY WE'RE IN THIS LIFE TOGETHER ♪

♪ SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE ♪ ♪ SAW YOU I WAS BROKEN OPEN

TORE RIGHT INTO TWO I NEVER SAW ANYTHING AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU ♪

♪ IF I WOKE UP AND ALL THIS WAS JUST A DREAM I WANT TO TELL YOU

JUST WHAT YOU MEAN ♪ ♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU THERE IS NO ONE ELSE

I GET HEAVEN TO MYSELF ♪ ♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU THERE IS NO ONE ELSE

I FEEL THIS WAY I NEVER FELT ♪ ♪ I FEEL THIS WAY

I NEVER FELT OH OH-OH-OH OH-OH-OH ♪ ♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU

THERE IS NO ONE ELSE I GET HEAVEN TO MYSELF ♪ ♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU

THERE IS NO ONE ELSE ♪ ♪ A LIFE A SPARKLE IN YOUR EYES

HEAVEN COMIN' THROUGH ♪ AND I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪

♪ I REALLY DO OH-OH-OH OH-OH-OH ♪ ♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU

THERE IS NO ONE ELSE THERE IS NO ONE I GET HEAVEN TO MYSELF ♪

♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU THERE IS NO ONE ELSE THERE IS NO ONE

FEEL THIS WAY I NEVER FELT

♪ THANK YOU. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MICHAEL CHE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.

GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M MICHAEL CHE.

I'M COLIN JOST. EARLIER TODAY, AN AMERICAN FIGHTER JET SHOT DOWN A

SUSPECTED CHINESE SURVEILLANCE BALLOON THAT HAD BEEN SPOTTED CROSSING THE UNITED STATES,

OFFICIALLY ENDING HISTORY'S MOST COMPLICATED GENDER REVEAL PARTY. BAD NEWS FOR CHINA, IT'S A GIRL.

CHINESE OFFICIALS CONDEMNED THE DECISION TO DESTROY THE BALLOON SAYING IT WAS A CIVILIAN

AIRCRAFT. BUT EVEN THEY CAN BE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.

THE REVIVED A.P. AMERICAN HISTORY CLASS REMOVED THE CLASSES THAT FLORIDA SAYS HAVE

BEEN PROBLEMATIC. INSTEAD THEY REPLACED IT WITH AUTHORS THEY CALL ONE OF THE

GOOD ONES. REPRESENTATIVE GEORGE SANTOS SAID THAT HE IS STEPPING ASIDE

FROM HIS COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS TO PREVENT BEING A DISTRACTION. HE ADDED THE LAST THING I WANT

IS ATTENTION. THEN HE SACHEED AWAY IN A FEATHER BOA.

IT WAS ALSO REPORTED HE LIED TO CAMPAIGN DONORS THAT HE WAS A PRODUCER OF SPIDERMAN, TURN OFF

THE DARK, THOUGH HE DID END UP WORKING WITH THE GREEN GOBLIN. SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE... THANK

YOU... SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE KEVIN McCARTHY SEEN HERE WANTING TO KNOW IF SOMEONE YOU OR YOU

KNOW HAS BEEN INJURED IN A CAR ACCIDENT MET IN PERSON WITH PRESIDENT BIDEN ABOUT THE DEBT

CEILING AND SAID THEY HAD A GOOD CONVERSATION. IT WENT SO WELL, BIDEN LET HIM

PICK A COUPLE OF CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS OUT OF A BOWL. THE FBI SEARCHED PRESIDENT

BIDEN'S DELAWARE BEACH HOUSE BUT FOUND NO CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. ALSO, THE NEXT TIME SOMEBODY

TELLS THAT YOU BIDEN GOT BILLIONS FROM CHINA, REMEMBER HIS BEACH HOUSE IS IN DELAWARE.

IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT DONALD TRUMP'S GOLF COURSES WILL HOST THREE LIV GOLF TOURNAMENTS THIS

YEAR, FURTHERING TRUMP'S TIES TO SAUDI ARABIA. MAKES SENSE, SAUDI ARABIA NEEDS

VENUE FOR GOLF TOURNAMENTS, AND DUMP NEEDS OIL FOR THAT BIG OLE DUMP TRUCK.

SENATE VOTED TO DESIGNATE JANUARY NATIONAL STALKING AWARENESS MONTH, WHICH IS A GOOD

REMINDER WE'RE ONLY A FEW WEEKS AWAY FROM STALKER CHRISTMAS. TOO CLOSE TO HOME?

WOW. FLORIDA HAS PROPOSED LEGISLATION THAT WOULD ALLOW RESIDENTS TO

CARRY FIREARMS WITHOUT A PERMIT. ALSO, EVERYONE GETS TO DO ONE MURDER.

NEWLY RELEASED VIDEO OF A DEPOSITION TO NEW YORK'S ATTORNEY GENERAL'S OFFICE SHOWS

FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP TAKING THE FIFTH HUNDREDS OF TIMES. ALSO TAKING A FIFTH, HIS LAWYER.

FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, TWO BROTHERS WILL BE FACING OFF AGAINST EACH OTHER IN THE SUPER

BOWL. INCIDENTALLY, TWO BROTHERS IN

THE SUPER BOWL IS WHY MY GRANDFATHER WON'T BE WATCHING. OH IN FEBRUARY, MAN, WOW.

AND PHIL SAW HIS SHADOW. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS PHIL. DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE?

I DON'T KNOW, MAN, THINGS ARE BLEAK OUT THERE. RIDE IT OUT, I GUESS.

YOU SEEM PRETTY DOWN. I THOUGHT IT WAS A BIG DAY FOR YOU.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF ME? A WEATHER PREDICTING GROUNDHOG IN THE YEAR 2023?

I'M USELESS. I'M LIKE A CONDEMN IN NICK CANNON'S WALLET.

BUT YOU DID SEE YOUR SHADOW? I'M SEEING MY SHADOW EVERYWHERE.

CLIMATE CHANGE HAS MADE IT ALL USELESS. IS WINTER STILL HERE?

I JOGGED IN MY SHORTS THE OTHER DAY. YOU JOG?

IT'S A RESOLUTION. I WASN'T ABOUT TO DO DRY JANUARY.

ALCOHOL, THE ONLY COOL WAY TO WET THE BED. YOU KNOW THE CORE STOPPED?

THE EARTH'S CORE STOPPED SPINNING. LOOK.

SEE. JUST STRAIGHT UP STOPPED. THEY WANT ME TO GO TO WORK?

I'M A GROUNDHOG. I LIVE CLOSE TO THE CORE, CHE. NOT THAT CLOSE, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH

WHEN IT STOPPED SPINNING, I WAS LIKE, WHOA, YOU GUYS FEEL THAT? MIND IF I DO A BUMP REAL QUICK?

NO. AT THE AFTERPARTY, ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW THE MOON'S THE SUN NOW?

WHAT? LOOK. BECAUSE OF WILDFIRES, THIS IS

WHAT THE SUN LOOKS LIKE IN CALIFORNIA FOR LIKE WEEKS AT A TIME.

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE ON A STAR WARS PLANET, AND NOT EVEN A GOOD ONE. LIKE ONE OF THOSE DUSTY POOR

ONES. YOU KNOW FOR ME, THIS IS SPACE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

WELL, GROUNDHOGS LIVE UNDER GROUND, SO TO ME, THIS IS SPACE. HOUSTON, REQUESTING OXYGEN

BREAK. TIME IS AN ILLUSION. YEP, SCIENCE GUYS ARE SAYING

THIS. IT'S NOT JUST AN EXCUSE I USE WHENEVER MY OLD LADY SAYS I

MISSED OUR ANNIVERSARY. WE STEP OUT, GUYS LIKE US, DON'T WE SM.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN GUYS LIKE US? COME ON.

I'M PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL. SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE SIGNED UP FOR.

YOU'RE A BAD GROUNDHOG. I'M NOT A BAD GROUNDHOG. I JUST LIKE GOOD BEAVER.

OH, MAN. BUT SERIOUSLY, I'M TRYING TO KEEP MY MIND RIGHT BY GETTING

BACK TO THE BASICS, TOUCHING THE GRASS, EATING THE GRASS, SMOKING THE GRASS.

YOU KNOW, THOSE TOP HAT PEOPLE TOUCH ME. THAT'S PROBABLY WHY I DRINK.

WHAT? YOU HEARD ME. LOOK, AT THE END OF THE DAY, I

JUST WANT TO LIVE A LONG PEACEFUL LIFE AND DIE OF NATURAL CAUSES.

THAT'S ACTUALLY VERY SWEET. WELL, FOR A GROUNDHOG, NATURAL CAUSES MEANS GETTING

OBLITERATED BY AN 18 WHEELER. OH, MY GOD, MAN. THEY SAY YOU CAN'T EVEN FEEL

THEY SAY YOU CAN'T EVEN FEEL IT. I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO BRING BACK THE LONG EXTENSION DODO BIRD, BUT ONLY FOR A LIMITED

TIME AT ARBY'S. WE HAVE THE DODO BIRDS. AMC THEATERS IS CELEBRATING

BLACK HISTORY MONTH BY OFFERING $5 TICKETS TO RECENTLY RELEASED BLACK LED MOVIES.

THEY'RE ALSO HONORING BLACK PEOPLE BY STARTING THE MOVIE 20 MINUTES LATE.

DO YOU GET THAT, COLIN? I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING

ABOUT. POLICE OFFICIALS IN COLORADO SAY THAT A BEAR DISCOVERED A WILD

LIFE CAMERA IN THE WOODS AND POSED FOR MORE THAN 400 SELFIES. 400 SELFIES OF A BEAR IS ALSO

KNOWN AS A GRINDER PROFILE. THE U.S. SURGEON GENERAL IS WARNING THAT CHILDREN ARE

JOINING SOCIAL MEDIA AT TOO YOUNG AN AGE, AND THEY SHOULD WAIT UNTIL THEY'RE AT LEAST 16,

WHEN THEY'RE HOTTER. A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT DESPITE WOMEN MAKING LESS MONEY

THAN MEN, MORE SINGLE WOMEN IN THE U.S. OWN HOMES THAN SINGLE MEN, THANKS TO A PHENOMENON

ECONOMISTS CALL DIVORCE. A SCHOOL OFFICIAL IN ILLINOIS HAS BEEN ARRESTED ON CHARGES OF

STEALING OVER $1 MILLION WORTH OF CHICKEN WINGS, SAID THE

OFFICIAL, I SWEAR, I WAS GOING TO GIVE ALL THE MONEY... BOCK! NO.

BE CROWNING ITS NEW KING AND QUEEN SOON, LAUNCHING A NEW ERA OF THE BRITISH MONARCHY.

HERE TO COMMENT OR BRITISH RAPPERS MILLIE FOUNDS AND SHIRTY.

THANKS, CHE. SO, GUYS, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE ROYAL FAMILY?

CAN YOU GIVE US AN UPDATE? RIGHT, RIGHT, LISTEN, MATE. ALL THE FOCUS IS ON THE ROYALS

WHEN IT SHOULD BE ON ENGLAND'S EXPLOITIVE TABLOID PRESS. IT'S PANTS, MATE.

IT'S PANTS. WHAT IS PANTS? IT'S PANTS.

WE KNOW WHAT REALLY GOES DOWN. WE'VE KNOWN HARRY SINCE OUR DAYS

AT EDEN. YOU GUYS WENT TO EDEN? YEAH.

EATING YOUR MOM'S BUM. NO. BUT SERIOUSLY.

LOOK, LOOK. IF YOU WANT US TO SUM UP OUR THOUGHTS TAKE OUT THE PODS AND

HEAR ME, ALL RIGHT? BECAUSE WE HAVE A WAY OF TALKING.

ACTUALLY, MILLIE POUNDS. YEAH. ♪ PRINCE HARRY, PRINCE HARRY,

STAYED OVER AT TYLER PERRYS, I'M ALLERGIC TO DAIRY ♪ ♪ HARRY AND MEGHAN, RONALD

REAGAN, INTERRACIAL DATING, QUEEN SAID NOT TODAY ♪ ♪ I SLIDE DOWN THE ROAD LIKE...

GIRL SAW ME LIKE... BECAUSE I STAY HOT LIKE YOUNG ♪ GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, NO.

STOP. WHO IS YAN WUDUS? CHE, WHY DID YOU STOP IT,

MATE? WE SHARED SO MANY FACTS. YOU REALLY DIDN'T.

IT'S NOT ALL CHICKEN SHOPS AND TEA. BUT I THINK THIS NEXT VERSE WILL

REALLY SHINE A LIGHT ON WHAT'S HAPPENING WHERE WE COME FROM. ALL RIGHT?

♪ PRIME MINISTER, YOU KNOW THAT, HE GOT STYLES LIKE HARRY, I'M ALLERGIC TO DAIRY ♪

♪ YOUR BOYFRIEND IS POOR, I MAKE MORE, I CHAT ONLINE WITH YOUR GIRL BECAUSE I STAY UP LIKE

YAN WUDUS ♪ OKAY. WAIT, WAIT.

WHAT IS... WHAT IS THAT? I GREW UP IN NEW YORK IN THE '90s, SO I CONSIDER MYSELF A

PRETTY FRESH GUY WHEN IT COMES TO HIP HOP, BUT I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE.

BACK HOME, WE DON'T REALLY HAVE GUNS, DO WE? BOP, BOP.

BUT WE DO HAVE LITTLE TINY KNIVES WE CARRY WITH US AT ALL TIMES, AND THOSE KIND OF SOUND

LIKE SHSHSH. BUT WHO IS YAN WUDUS. A SEMI FOOTBALL PLAYER FROM

THE '80s. YOU LIKE SOCCER. CAN YOU TELL US HOW THE BRITS

FEEL ABOUT PEOPLE ♪ CORRUPT, YOUR GIRL TOLD ME

WHAT'S UP, TRY TO SEE THAT BUTT ♪ ♪ I'M ALLERGIC TO DAIRY ♪

FOR ♪

JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW MY MOM CAN

BE PRETTY PROTECTIVE OF ME, AND I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO GET SCARED OFF.

DON'T WORRY. WE'RE GOOD. OKAY.

WE'RE HOME! I'M COMING! MAMA!

MAN OF MY LIFE. MY COLLEGE BOY, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

YOU DON'T CALL ENOUGH, BAD BOY, I KILL YOU. I PUT YOU IN JAIL.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. WELL, I LOVE YOU TOO, MAMA, AND I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO

MY NEW GIRLFRIEND, BRITNEY. YES, MS. FLORES, I'M BRITNEY. I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

YOU'RE CUTE. YOU DRESS LIKE A BOY. I LIKE THAT.

MAMA, LET'S EAT. HOW ABOUT THAT? AND MY PARENTS TAUGHT ME

NEVER TO COME EMPTY HANDED, SO I DID BRING SOME VEGAN SLIDERS. [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]

VEGAN SLIDERS. ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME? YES.

BUT IN A GOOD WAY. DON'T WORRY. MAMA, WE'RE HUNGRY.

AND THIS LOOKS GREAT. WHERE SHOULD I PUT THESE? I'LL TAKE IT.

THANK YOU. SIT, SIT. EVERYTHING LOOKS SO GREAT,

MAMA. THANK YOU. SO, BRITNEY, WHAT ARE YOU

STUDYING? I'M ACTUALLY STUDYING FINE ART WITH A CONCENTRATION IN 17th

CENTURY BROKE ARCHITECTURE. SO SHE DOESN'T LIKE MONEY? MAMA, PLEASE, BRITNEY WANTS

TO BE AN ART PROFESSOR ONE DAY. SO SHE'S A LESBIAN. MAMA, PLEASE.

NO, NO [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] BROKE ARCHITECTURE.

MAMA, POR FAVOR. VAN GOGH, PICASSO, VEGAN SLIDERS.

THIS IS A NICE WHITE GIRL. SUN SCREEN [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]

ULTIMATE FRISBEE. OH, MY GOSH. LISTEN.

I'M SO SORRY IF I OFFENDED YOU IN ANY WAY. I ONLY WANT THE BEST FOR YOUR

SON. LIKE, LOUIS, DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE HAVING TROUBLE

CONCENTRATING FIRST SEMESTER... OH, NO, NO. AND I SET YOU UP WITH MY

FAMILY DOCTOR. WHAT? NOW HE'S ON A.D.D.

MEDICATION, AND HE'S DOING A LOT BETTER. MY SON DON'T HAVE A.D.D.!

HE JUST LIKES TO JUMP! OH, WELL, A.D.D. ISN'T ANYTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT

DEMI LOVATO HAS IT. FAMILY DOCTOR... [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]

NORMALIZE A.D.D. SHE HATES ME. SHE'S NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU.

MAMA... [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] UNISEX APPAREL.

[ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] "WHITE LOTUS" [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]

HEY, MAN, WANT TO GET SOME SWEET GREEN? WHAT IS SHE SAYING?

[ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] LONG TERM, OKAY?

NO. WHAT? [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]

ONE NIGHTSTAND. HIT IT AND QUIT IT, HIT AND DIP. I DON'T CARE.

THAT'S OKAY. THAT WAS ALL ENGLISH. I WOULD JUST LOVE TO START OVER.

CAN WE PLEASE JUST EAT? THIS LOOKS DELICIOUS, MS. FLORES.

BUT BEFORE WE EAT, MIND IF I SAY GRACE? GRACE.

OH, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SHE WAS A WOMAN OF GOD? NOW WHERE ARE MY GRAND CHILDREN?

THIS PLACE IS SO CUTE. YEAH. YEAH LOOK AT ALL THOSE GRAPES

ON THE WALL. YES. PLEASE.

WELCOME TO ANGELINO'S REAL ITALIAN RESTAURANT. AND THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL

TABLE I HAVE EVER SEEN. YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY. AWW!

BELLA, BELLA, BELLA, BELLA... SMART. I BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE MENUS.

DID HE SAY SMART? THAT'S A COMPLIMENT. YEAH, MAYBE HE LIKES YOU

MORE. EXCUSE ME. I HAVE A WATER FOR YOU.

BELLISSIMA, BELLISSIMA, BELLISSIMA, BELLISSIMA... AND A FUNNY ONE.

DO I LOOK WEIRD TODAY OR SOMETHING? NO, NO.

NO WAY. NEVER. NOW, LET ME GUESS.

YOU ARE A MODEL? OH, YOU'RE SWEET. NO, NO.

YOU ARE A STATUE. NO. I'M A NURSE.

NO. THIS IS A CRIME. OKAY.

I TRY AGAIN. YOU ARE A WRITER. NO.

I'M ACTUALLY AN ACTOR. I WAS EVEN IN A MOVIE. OH, YES.

BABADOOK. I'M NOT THE BABADOOK. JUST GO.

WHAT IS MY VIBE TODAY? LADIES, I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO CHEF DINO.

HE WANTS TO GIVE YOU A GIFT, A LITTLE BITE. OH, YES.

FOR SUCH A BEAUTY, YOU DESERVE SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL. OH, PRETTY.

FOR YOU, FOR YOU, AND FOR YOU... CHILI. CHILI?

THIS IS HUGE. OH, YES, A BIG BOY CHILI. ENJOY.

WHY DO THEY EVEN HAVE THAT HERE? I THINK IT'S NICE THEY MADE

YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL. YEAH. YEAH.

LADIES, DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT THE MENU? YES.

CAN I GET THE SPAGHETTI WITH EXTRA MEATBALLS? ANYTHING FOR YOU.

NOW, I HAVE A QUESTION. WILL YOU MARRY ME? OH, THAT IS SO SWEET, BUT I'M

ALREADY MARRIED. OH, LUCKY MAN. ACTUALLY, I'M MARRIED TOO.

OH, TO YOUR CAREER. OH, MY GOD. JEN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S

GOING ON. THOSE TWO GUYS SERIOUSLY JUST HAVE WEIRD TASTE.

CANDLES FOR THE LADIES. AND LET ME JUST UNSCREW THIS LIGHT.

MUCH BETTER. AND YOUR HARLEY DAVIDSON IS LEAKING OIL ALL OVER THE STREET.

CAN YOU MOVE IT? I DON'T DRIVE A HARLEY. OH, MY MISTAKE.

WHATEVER. WHERE IS OUR WAITER? YES.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? CAN WE JUST ORDER? AND BY THE WAY, I ACTUALLY AM

BEAUTIFUL. EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL. AND YOU MOST OF ALL BECAUSE IT'S

THE KIND THAT'S ON THE INSIDE. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE HAD ENOUGH INSULTS.

I'M JUST GOING TO GO HOME AND HAVE A SALAD. OH, THIS IS SO SAD.

WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID? YEAH, EVERYTHING YOU SAID. WHY WERE YOU LIKE THAT TO HER?

OH, I MUST CONFESS. WHENEVER THERE'S A GROUP OF WOMEN, WE TEAM UP AGAINST ONE

AND FLATTER THE OTHERS FOR MORE TIPS. IS THAT BAD?

YEAH. YEAH. I MEAN, IT WAS DEFINITELY

WORKING ON ME. I WAS GOING TO GIVE THE BIGGEST TIP OF MY LIFE.

BUT, HEY, YOU SERIOUSLY MISREAD OUR FRIEND BY THE WAY. WHAT WAS THAT?

IT IS YOUR FRIEND. SHE'S OUTSIDE. LOOK.

LOOK. SO SMART. BIG BOY CHILI.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪ BOYS BOYS DON'T CRY BOYS KEEP IT ALL INSIDE

I TRY TO HIDE IT UNDERNEATH ♪ ♪ BUT STILL MY HEART

STARTS TO BEAT MY HUMAN HEART ONLY GOT A HUMAN HEART ♪

♪ I WISH IT DIDN'T RUN AWAY I WISH IT DIDN'T FALL APART OH MY HUMAN HEART ♪

♪ NIGHT AND DAY AND LIGHT AND DARK ♪ ♪ ANY DAY

IT COULD BE TORN IN HALF ONLY GOT A HUMAN HEART ♪ ♪

♪ WHEN YOU TRY YOUR BEST BUT YOU DON'T SUCCEED YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT

BUT NOT WHAT YOU NEED ♪ ♪ WHEN YOU FEEL SO TIRED BUT YOU CAN'T SLEEP

STUCK IN REVERSE ♪ LET'S GO. ♪ LIGHTS WILL GUIDE YOU HOME

AND IGNITE YOUR BONES AND I WILL TRY TO FIX YOU

♪ ♪ THANKS TO PEDRO AND VERONICA.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO. HEY! ♪ TEARS STREAM

DOWN YOUR FACE WHEN YOU LOSE SOMETHING YOU CANNOT REPLACE ♪

♪ TEARS STREAM DOWN YOUR FACE AND I ♪ TEARS STREAM

DOWN YOUR FACE ♪ ♪ I PROMISE YOU I WILL LEARN

FROM MY MISTAKES ♪ ♪ TEARS STREAM DOWN YOUR FACE

AND I ♪ ♪ LIGHTS WILL GUIDE YOU HOME AND IGNITE YOUR BONES

I WILL TRY TO FIX YOU ♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

SHAYNA. TO SHAYNA. HERE COMES... LET'S NOT

FORGET HER BABY SISTER LISA WHO FLEW ALL THE WAY FROM TEMECULA TO CELEBRATE WITH US.

IT'S SO NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU. THAT'S CUTE.

BUT DON'T THINK I'M GIVING UP THE BUTT TONIGHT. I'M SORRY.

WHAT? SHE'S JUST KIDDING. DON'T MIND HER.

SORRY FOR THE WAIT. YOUR STEAK SHOULD BE COOKED TO YOUR LIKING NOW.

THIRD TIME'S A CHARM. EXTRA EXTRA WELL DONE. THANK YOU.

LISA, DO YOU ALWAYS ORDER STEAKS LIKE THAT? I DN KNOW YOU COULD GET THEM

EXTRA EXTRA WELL. UH-HUH. COOK MY MEAT.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE ONE SPECK OF RED. I CAN'T BE SICK TONIGHT, I GOT

TO BE IN COURT IN THE MORNING. YOU'RE A LAWYER? YEAH.

SHE'S ACTUALLY THE LEAD LITIGATOR ON A CLASS ACTION SUIT AGAINST WALMART.

COUPLE OF THEIR COINSTAR MACHINES EXPLODED. I AIN'T GOT TO TELL YOU WHAT

HAPPENED NEXT. THAT'S REALLY AMAZING OF YOU. I REALLY ADMIRE THAT.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOUR LITTLE FRIEND? HE'S DOING THE MOST TRYING TO

GET SOME BUTT TONIGHT. EXCUSE ME? OH, MY GOD.

NOTHING, PAUL. GIRL, DON'T START WITH THAT. YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GOING TO

SIT HERE AND EAT MY STEAK IN PEACE. WELL, ANYWAY.

I... I DIDN'T TELL YOU GUYS, BUT A FEW NIGHTS BACK, THIS DOG FOLLOWED ME HOME.

I'M ABOUT TO TEAR THIS THING UP. WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR, HE...

HE JUST SPRINTED INSIDE. THAT MAN DIDN'T GIVE ME NO KETCHUP.

I'M RUNNING AROUND MY HOUSE TRYING TO CATCH HIM. YOU GOT KETCHUP OVER THERE?

GIRL, CAN YOU JUST EAT? YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO BE NASTY WITHOUT KETCHUP?

SO ANYWAY, I... I GUESS I HAD TWO BONES IN MY BASEMENT. THAT'S SO CRAZY.

I GOT TO CUT YOU A PIECE OF THIS STEAK. THIS STEAK IS BUSSIN.

OH, MY GOD. CAN YOU JUST CHILL? HE'S TRYING TO TELL A STORY.

YOU HEARD THE MAN. I HEARD HIM. HE SAID HE GOT CHASED BY A DOG.

OKAY. OKAY. LISA.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

LOOK. TODD... THE MAN.

ANTONIO BANDERES OVER HERE TRYING TO GET SOME BUTT WHILE HE GOT KUJO LIVING IN HIS BASEMENT.

JUST WANTED TO CHECK IN ON YOU. EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

WE HAVE BEEN GETTING COMPLAINTS. OH, BECAUSE WE BLACK? WE OVER HERE MINDING OUR

BUSINESS. I'M JUST MAKING SURE EVERYTHING'S OKAY.

ACTUALLY, EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY. THERE IS WINE ALL IN THEIR FOOD.

IT'S ALL OVER THE FLOOR NOW. Y'ALL NEED TO DO BETTER. LISA.

YES, ANTONIO. I UNDERSTAND YOU DON'T... YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SICK TOMORROW,

BUT YOU HAVE BEEN SAWING THAT STEAK. THIS IS A MESS BECAUSE OF YOU.

OKAY. NOW HOLD UP NOW. I'M NOT GOING TO LET Y'ALL

CORNER MY BABY SISTER LISA WHO CAME ALL THE WAY FROM TEMECULA ON MY BIRTHDAY.

I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT. DOES MY SISTER HAVE TERRIBLE LISTENING SKILLS?

1,000%. BUT SHE'S THE ONLY SISTER I'VE GOT.

WE THE YOUNGEST OF SIX GIRLS. BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, SHE'S MY FAMILY, AND THERE

BETTER NOT BE A RED DAMN SPECK ON THAT PLATE. COOK MY MEAT.

OKAY? YOU KNOW WHAT? Y'ALL HAVEN'T HAD IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? Y'ALL HAVEN'T HAD IT. I'M GOING TO CUT Y'ALL A

FERDINAND, SINGERS, SARAH PAULSON, AND THIS AMAZING CAST THAT TOOK SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME,