Original subtitles

- Now, hold still.

(lively lighthearted music)

Now, hold still.

My story begins naturally (upbeat harpsichord music)

when I born in London during the reign of Queen Victoria.

- Good evening, Mrs. Armstrong.

- Good evening, Mr. Armstrong.

- [Jack] I suppose my family was typical

of the British upper class.

- How was India?

- Hot.

- How was London?

- Damp.

- You know, I did miss you, Pamela.

Three years without--

- Hush, Clarence.

Little Jack may hear you.

- [Jack] My parents were so formal to each other

that I sometimes wondered how I was ever conceived.

As I approached young manhood, my head was filled

with useless facts about all sorts of things

in which I had absolutely no interest.

While my parents gave me no information at all

about the one subject that aroused all my curiosity.

So, I began to investigate on my own.

(door clattering)

- Jack, my son.

Passion must be ruthlessly controlled

or it will sap your energy, drain your vitality.

- [Jack] Father sternly lectured me on how my life

would be totally ruined unless I repressed

all my sexual desires.

- So, control yourself!

(paper ripping)

- [Jack] Father's lecture certainly should have inhibited

my natural feeling for all time,

but he did not allow for my overpowering curiosity

in the subject. (upbeat harpsichord music)

That curiosity, along with a strange new sensation

that stirred within me led me to experiment on my own.

But, once again, my research was interrupted.

(door clattering)

- Oh, for shame, Jack, for shame.

That can cause blindness.

- [Jack] Mother had a unique solution

for the problems of adolescence.

- There I think you're ready for bed now, Jack.

You're a big boy now.

- [Jack] Despite these problems,

I finally arrived at manhood.

During my senior year at Cambridge,

my parents passed away suddenly, the victims

of an influenza epidemic.

And, I was shocked to learn that my father

has squandered the entire family fortune.

(somber organ music)

- Jack Armstrong, your father did not exactly

leave you a fortune, only 500 pounds per annum.

Therefore, you must enter the noble profession

which your father chose for you.

The law.

What do you say to that, young man?

- Thank you, sir, but I, I'd--

- However, after paying his debts,

there are a few valuables left for you.

- There are?

My father left me a ship's model which his uncle

had carved in debtor's prison, (lighthearted flute music)

an unused suit of armor from an ancestor

who was hung for cowardice, and most valuable of all,

Samson, the son of my late father's late butler.

- Samson, wake up, wake up! (Samson snoring)

There will be no snoring in my court.

(gavel thudding) (Samson grunting)

(lively music)

- [Jack] Yes, due to a childhood disease,

poor Samson was deaf which was the one talent he possessed

that made him the perfect servant for a bachelor.

It more than made up for what he lacked

as a gentleman's gentleman.

Following my father's wishes, I took up the practice of law.

I called myself a barrister, but I felt no sense of pride

or accomplishment in the work.

If I felt any calling at all, it was the call of the flesh.

An uncontrollable hunger within me

seemed to grow and grow.

I couldn't concentrate on my work.

My mind kept wandering off into lurid fantasies.

(gentle harp music)

The only pleasure awaited me in real life

was my afternoon tea

while I remained uncomfortably celibate

remembering my father's dire warnings about prostitutes

and venereal disease.

Until I made a discovery quite by accident.

(clock ticking)

It seemed that father never followed the advice

he had so forcefully impressed upon me.

The letters proved that he'd been carrying on an affair

with a rather passionate young lady named Helena.

(lively player piano music)

As my curiosity was aroused, I decided to investigate

and found that she was living in a huge mansion in Mayfair.

(people chattering)

- Good evening, General.

Ah, Sheik, how nice to see you again.

Are you the young man that asked for me?

- I am.

Helena, Madame Helena?

- That's right.

But, why me?

There are so many girls here for your pleasure.

(hands clapping)

Ladies.

Oh ladies, shame, shame.

Now, let's have a little decorum.

Stand in a line and let him have a look at you.

Aren't they lovely?

Each one worthy of a king.

Well, which one tickles your fancy?

- You don't understand, I really came here to meet you.

- Oh.

(hands clapping)

You prefer a woman of experience I see.

- Well, I'm interested in one of your experiences

with my father.

- Your father?

(laughs)

That would be a chronological impossibility.

Who are you anyway?

Something about you does look a little familiar.

- My name is Armstrong, Jack Adam Smith Armstrong.

My father's name is Clarence.

- Not old shoot first and hang on for dear life?

(laughs)

- [Jack] Pardon?

- That was your late father's battle cry.

How else do you think I finished up in this wheelchair?

So, you're the young Mr. Armstrong

come to take your father's place, so to speak.

- Oh, I don't think I could ever fill the old boy's shoes.

Or anything else.

- [Helena] Why?

- You see, I haven't had any opportunity,

any experiences yet.

- You mean, you're still innocent?

- As a newborn babe, I'm afraid.

- Well (chuckles), we'll soon change all that.

I shall give you the best girl in the house

and you can have my bedroom.

(fingers snapping)

- But, but, but--

- No, no, no, I insist.

(lighthearted music)

- [Jack] Madame Helena was as good as her word.

Oh, I wasn't as yet qualified to judge if Suzy

was the best girl in the house

and I found her more than adequate for the occasion.

(both grunting)

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

(women applauding)

- [Jack] At last, that long awaited moment had come

and all too quickly gone.

- Jack, our next position will be on page 46

of the Kama Sutra.

- [Jack] But, this was only the beginning.

Madame Helena was determined that I should fill in the gaps

in my education.

(bed rattling)

Although I started out as an eager student,

I soon found it rather difficult to keep up

with the rest of the class.

- My turn.

- With a final fanatic spurt, I managed to complete

Madame Helena's curriculum with honors

but totally spent.

After a few days' rest, I returned to my office

and tried to work.

But now, one great desire was satisfied,

but I found that another had taken its place.

I had experienced sex but there was something else in life

I was missing.

Where was love?

As it happened, love was waiting for me

in, of all places, the Royal Academy.

There I fell in love twice.

First with the new art of photography

and second was Alice.

(gentle lighthearted music)

- Mr. Keats said it so well, Fanny.

Beauty is truth, truth beauty.

That is all ye know on Earth and all ye need to know.

- [Jack] There she was, standing before me,

the loveliest creature

I could imagine.

(gentle cello music)

I was so enchanted by her I was frozen to the spot

unable to utter a sound.

- I beg your pardon, sir, but I must ask you

to cease staring at me in such a manner

or I shall be forced to call the guard.

It is not the proper conduct for a gentleman,

and I for one, do not consider it a compliment

but rather an insult.

- Forgive me but it's only because you look so...

What's your name?

- Come, Fanny.

We are not the kind of young ladies who are used

to speaking to strange me without being formally introduced.

- Oh no, don't leave, please.

- [Alice] Fanny.

- [Jack] I couldn't just let her walk out of my life

so I followed her home.

(somber cello music)

I sent Samson for flowers and, in the accepted style

of the day, bravely began my courtship of Alice.

Little did I realize how challenging this effort

would prove to be.

Although she didn't answer my letters,

I kept writing and sending flowers

until finally I received an invitation.

I was so delighted to see Alice again

that I gladly suffered through the endless prayers

before, during, and after dinner.

Her father, the Reverend Faversham, and her mother

were absolute pillars of Victorian morality.

They were the kind of people who had little skirts

made for the piano's legs to ensure the modesty of the home.

The only way I could arrange to see Alice alone

was to take her on photographic picnics in the country.

But, if anything she was even more untouchable

on these occasions.

(lighthearted music)

Alice's maid, Fanny, was chaperone.

So, to keep her occupied, I brought along Samson.

With both chaperones gone, I decided it was time

to make my move with Alice.

- You know, Jack, Father and Mother do worry so

about what we get up to on our little trips.

- Huh?

- Of course with Fanny and Samson,

they really don't have to, do they?

- Maybe so.

- Why, Jack, what do you mean?

- You realize, of course, that Samson could never

hear any cries for help if there should be any.

- Yes, that has often occurred to me.

- And, that Fanny could be completely at his mercy

just as you could be at mine,

if the situation should arise, of course.

(Alice giggles)

Well, have I said something that was so amusing?

- I'm sorry, it's the thought of you, Jack,

with me at your mercy.

(giggles)

- Then you're not frightened of me?

- Of you, Jack?

What a thought.

You're a charming young man, of course,

but very definitely a rabbit.

(giggles)

- A rabbit?

- Oh, but a very dear rabbit.

And, I think we must go hopping back home now

before Father calls Scotland Yard.

Fanny, Fanny, come here.

Fanny, where are you?

(Fanny groaning) - (grunting) Oh, Fanny.

- Oh, damnation!

What a time for her to call me (grumbles).

- What'd I do wrong?

- [Jack] I realized there was only one way

for me to have Alice. (somber music)

I would have to propose marriage.

So I pawned all my valuables except my camera

and bought a ring that was worthy of her.

(bell ringing)

- What are you doing here, Jack?

- We had an appointment.

Don't you remember?

Alice, there's an important matter I've long wanted

to discuss with you.

- This is not the time, Jack.

- But, Alice, I'm here to declare my undying love for you

and to ask you to be--

- Alice.

What on Earth is keeping you?

Sir Cecile is waiting.

- I'm coming, Mother.

- You must go, Jack.

There's nothing more here for you now.

- But, Alice, Alice, look what I bought for you.

- Oh, Jack, why didn't you speak sooner.

I'm afraid I've already got one and a fiance to go with it.

Father chose him.

Father says Sir Cecile can offer me everything

a woman could desire, a title,

social position, a mansion--

- Sir Cecile?

Sir Cecile Swedwick?

But, he's over 60.

- Hush, Jack, he'll hear you.

- But, how can you even contemplate going to bed with him?

- Jack Armstrong!

Mother says we're not supposed to enjoy it.

A woman must endure it.

Now, kindly go and refrain

from any further obscene outbursts.

- [Jack] But, Alice, please.

- Father was right, you are a lecher.

- Without Alice life was not worth living.

There seemed only only one course left for me.

("Funeral March" by Frederic Chopin)

My suicide would end my misery and Alice would never forget

what she had done to cause it

especially when she received a gift from me

which Samson would deliver on her wedding day,

a photograph of the actual moment of death.

Poison wasn't really visual enough for a photograph.

I had to find a more dramatic, more photogenic way

to do it.

Faithful Samson tried to help.

Samson, that's it!

This would be the first photograph

of a suicide taken by the suicide

in the history of photography.

(rope clattering)

I failed in dying

just as I had failed in living.

- This just arrived, Master Jack.

- I'm rich! - Something?

- Samson, I'm rich!

(both men shouting) (lively music)

There had been a death in family after all.

Good old Uncle Edgar had chosen this opportune moment

to depart this world and leave me his sole heir.

I would never have to worry about money again.

Then I received a wedding announcement from the Favershams.

Tomorrow was to be Alice's wedding day.

Despite my good fortune, I was deeply depressed.

I decided to try to raise my spirit with a wild night

of carousing at Madame Helena's establishment.

- I'll have the whip sent in at once.

Why, Jack, what are you doing here?

- Well, I was feeling a bit low in spirit.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

But, I'm afraid the house is closed tonight.

It's a private affair.

They've hired the whole establishment for the night.

A bachelor party, you understand.

- Yes.

- (screaming) He's dead, he's dead!

Sir Cecile is dead!

- Swedwick?

How did he die?

- With a big smile on his face.

(women screaming)

(lively music)

- Reverend Faversham!

(Reverend Faversham groaning)

(men thudding)

- Well, if this keeps up, we won't have an erect customer

left in the place.

You're a lucky man, Jack. (upbeat harpsichord music)

Now, with Sir Cecile's wick spent for good,

you will have a second chance.

- To ask her to marry me?

- No, silly, to educate her.

You had to be, but she needs it even more.

Now, try and forget you're such a proper gentleman

and teach her what it's all about.

- I couldn't.

Alice is, if you'll pardon the expression, a lady.

- Oh, lady my foot.

Under that cold bustle there's a smoldering pair of knickers

and once you stoke her up a bit,

she'll catch fire like kindling.

Mark my words, if she doesn't go wild over it

and love you for showing her how.

- I suppose you're right.

- Of course, I'm right.

Now, you must think of a plan.

Try and find some way of being alone with her

and then show her who is the man and who is the maid.

Take her in your arms and do something daring.

- Daring.

- Bold.

- Bold. - Shocking.

- Shocking, even beastly.

- Now, you've got it.

I do believe you've got it.

- [Jack] Strange fantasies whirled through my head

all about Alice. (somber music)

I suppose I was a little mad for I devised a devilish plan.

It would take time, patience, and daring,

but I would have my revenge.

My plan called for me to find a house

which I could alter to my own specifications.

I searched all over London without any luck

until a chance remark by a renting agent

about a rather large upstairs room aroused my interest.

Although strangely reluctant, he finally agreed

to show it to me.

The moment I saw it, I knew my search had ended.

What on Earth was this room used for?

- Yes, of course, you have every right to know.

You see, after the original owners left,

the house was used for the sick, the mentally sick.

- In here?

- The more violent ones, those who had to be restrained

were kept in here.

It was called the Mad Room I'm told.

That's the purpose of the barns and the rings.

It was soundproof so the other patients

wouldn't be disturbed.

Of course, you can seal it up and enjoy the rest

of this lovely house.

(Jack chuckles)

- Seal it?

The fool, this was ideal for my plan.

That doesn't seem such a terrible cause

for potential buyers to turn the house down.

Was that the only reason, Pendleton?

- Well, there were also wild rumors

about a ghost.

- A ghost, how charming.

And what was this ghost supposed to look like?

- The elderly lady in the next house swears

it looks like, like, like the Ripper.

- Oh, sounds like a wive's tale.

It's hardly likely to trouble me,

so I am going to buy this excellent property immediately.

(fanfare horn music)

I moved into my new house as soon as possible

so I could begin making alterations.

(lively music)

I worked endlessly for a month to transform

the Mad Room into my own purposes

making sure that each detail fit perfectly

into the mechanism of my scheme.

(hammer thudding)

At last, the room was completed.

I named it The Snuggery, to make it sound inviting and safe.

As I looked over the room for the first time, I felt

a real sense of pride and accomplishment in my work.

The only thing that remained from the Mad Room

was the portrait of Queen Victoria.

I quickly arranged for my first photographic session

in the The Snuggery.

(lively lighthearted music)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(drumming music)

I must take more pictures of Pam and Suzy together.

They're so uninhibited.

(chuckles) I'll make a copy for Madame Helena,

her entire staff in action.

Where is that blasted towel?

Huh.

Thank you, Samson.

I think best erotic study I've ever done.

Still I'm sort of partial to Pam and Suzy,

those two darling girls.

Which one do you like best, Samson?

Strange, I've never known him to show a lack of interest

in these sort of photographs before.

- Would Master like to sample some cookies

I've just baked?

- Very strange indeed.

(lively orchestral music)

I had deliberately avoided any contact with Alice

until The Snuggery was ready for her.

Now, I could put my plan into operation.

I correctly guessed she would attend the new art show

at the Royal Gallery.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Alice!

- Why, Jack Armstrong, how nice to see you again

especially here where we first met.

My sister Marion, remember?

- I was so sorry to hear about Sir Cecile.

It must have been a terrible shock.

- Yes, it was.

I've been so embarrassed by my situation.

Imagine I've been engaged but never married.

Why, who will have me now?

- (chuckles) Oh, now, now, you're so beautiful, my dear.

I'm sure you'll soon have many suitors

asking for your hand (chuckles).

By the way, if you and Marion could spare some time,

why don't you come to my new townhouse for high tea?

- New house?

- High tea.

- Yes, thank you.

- The first step in my plan was easily accomplished.

Now, everything had to appear normal and proper.

I kept serving them tea and cucumber sandwiches

and the relaxed charm I had suddenly acquired

when I became a rich man.

I even used my camera to gain their confidence.

Oh, you both look marvelous.

Ready?

Now, take a deep breath.

(camera clacking)

And, don't move for 12 minutes.

(clock ticking)

But, Alice would never come alone.

Alice.

- Good afternoon, Jack.

- If it wasn't Marion, she would come with Fanny.

(upbeat orchestral music)

Now, hold still.

(camera clacking)

- Really, Jack, this posing every time I come here

is getting to be a bore.

- (puffing) I had to act fast before Alice lost interest

and stopped visiting.

I decided to use the power of mesmerism

to put both of my visitors under my will.

Follow the movement of the stone with your eyes.

You are getting very sleepy.

Your eyelids are very heavy.

Close your eyes.

You must obey me.

Are you sleepy?

- No, but I'm frightfully hungry.

Could I have a cucumber sandwich?

- Oh, me too.

- I suppose you just aren't good subjects for mesmerism.

Samson, serve the cucumber sandwiches.

(dishes shattering)

In desperation, (gentle music)

I decided to use a powerful aphrodisiac,

man's most reliable weapon for penetrating

the impregnable walls of virginity.

I made sure that the dose was powerful enough

to give the desired results.

It would be served in a harmless-looking bottle

of elderberry wine.

When, on her next visit, Alice arrived with Fanny

instead of Marion, I felt my opportunity had finally come.

I received a delicious gift from my maiden aunt today

which you must sample before you go.

- Really?

- [Jack] Hmm.

Meanwhile, in the pantry, Samson was busy

entertaining Fanny at my expense.

(Samson grumbling)

- Would pass the cucumber sandwiches, Jack?

They look so tempting.

- Of course.

I had another cucumber in mind to tempt her

if she would only stop eating

so I could have the elderberry wine brought in.

Suddenly, I saw a most extraordinary sight.

(lighthearted music)

(water dripping)

- Watch what you're doing, Jack!

- Oh, I'm very sorry.

I was so engrossed in looking at your beautiful dress.

- Why, thank you, Jack.

It's the latest fashion from Paris.

(lighthearted music)

- My, you have developed a sweet tooth, haven't you, Jack?

- Yes, I need it for energy.

I've been working very hard in my photographic laboratory.

Would you like some?

- No thank you.

(lighthearted music)

(Jack spitting)

Really, Jack.

Sometimes your eating manners are quite atrocious.

(Jack coughing)

What's wrong?

- Something, something in my throat.

- You must be smoking too much.

Jack, are you feeling your usual self?

- Well, I don't have another self to feel.

- Well, you acted rather strangely during tea.

I saw you turn pale before my eyes.

- Just at the sight of your beauty, my dear.

- Now, where's Fanny gone to?

Fanny, we're leaving now.

Fanny, where are you?

(Fanny grunting)

Fanny!

Fanny!

- Coming.

- I'll get her.

Fanny.

- [Fanny] Coming.

(loud knocking)

- Open the door, Samson.

- Good afternoon, Jack.

I'm afraid I had to come alone.

- Alone?

(pot shattering)

- I'm sorry, did I startle my dear rabbit?

- Yes, no, well.

- Marion is ill today and Fanny has gone to fetch

some medicine for her.

I only stopped by to explain before picking up

some things for mother so I must leave immediately.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

And, Samson has prepared

such lovely cucumber sandwiches for you.

- Oh, really? - Mmm.

- Well, perhaps just for a few minutes.

- Yes.

I tried desperately to think of a way to get Alice

into the The Snuggery. (gentle music)

You know, Alice, you've never seen my photographic studio.

Would you like to see it?

I'd be delighted to demonstrate

how I develop my photographs.

- Perhaps next week.

But, I really must be going shortly.

- Oh, I forgot, I've just acquired a stereopticon.

With it you can actually see pictures in three dimension.

Wouldn't you like to see how it works?

- I'd love to some other time, Jack.

(thunder rumbling)

What was that?

- Sounds like we might be getting a shower.

- I'm afraid I must leave at once, Jack.

Would you mind showing me to the door?

- Well, yes, of course, but...

Well, I'm sorry you have to rush off so soon.

(thunder cracking)

- Oh dear!

I'm sorry, I'm a horrid little coward

about a thunderstorm.

It just terrifies me.

(thunder cracking)

Oh, not again!

- Let's not give it a second thought.

Come, let's go to my photographic studio.

It's so quiet in there you won't even know there's a storm.

- But, that's not proper.

(thunder cracking)

Oh!

Very well, Jack, but only till the storm is over.

- Of course, my dear.

Right this way.

(door squeaking)

- [Alice] Is it far?

- No, just ahead.

- The Snuggery.

What a darling name.

What an inventive man you are, Jack.

- Do you know, Alice, when I decorated this room,

it was very much with you in mind.

I hope it meets with your approval.

(thunder cracking)

(delicate music box music)

Jack, the room is fantastic!

- This is one of the first rooms in London

to be entirely lit by electric light.

I have my own power generator in the cellar.

- I never expected to find a studio as pleasant

and as charming as this.

- I think that this one came out very well,

yes, very well.

(pan shattering)

Damn!

I'm sorry.

- You seem to be very nervous since we first came

into The Snuggery.

Am I the first lady who has visited your sactum sanctorum?

- (mumbles) As it happens, yes, you are.

- I thought so.

Such a rabbit.

How does this work? (lighthearted music)

- I'll show you.

Now, first we insert this slide.

Then, oh, I think it best for you to sit down to see it

on the couch.

- I don't see why.

- It's too technical for me to explain.

Make yourself comfortable.

You're in for a very exciting surprise.

Now, let me see, where is the light source?

Over there.

Oh dear.

- What's the matter?

Doesn't it work?

- I'm afraid you won't see a thing unless you lie back.

- Are you sure that's necessary?

- Absolutely.

There, I'll arrange the pillow for your head.

There.

That's it.

- What am I going to see?

- [Jack] Unforgettable sights.

Now, hold this up to your eyes, but close them first.

- Close them?

- For best results, keep your eyes tightly shut

till I count to 10.

Now, close them.

Hold this.

One, two,

three, four,

five, six,

seven, eight,

nine, 10!

(pole thudding)

- Jack!

This is obscene, vile, disgusting

and in bad taste.

How dare you show that picture to me?

- Oh, well, but didn't you find

that it was quite interesting?

- Certainly not!

Where did you get it?

- I didn't get it.

I took it, of course.

- You?

I don't believe it.

- Oh, well, I have quite a collection I could show you.

- Positively disgraceful.

And, what in Heaven's name is that fool thing

lying on the couch?

- It was going to be a surprise for you, Alice.

It's was going to serve a very special purpose.

- Really?

And, what might that be?

- The violation of your virtue, my dear.

The surrender to me of your maidenhead.

- You must be mad to speak to me like that!

Consider our friendship suspended

until you've recovered your senses.

- Alice, I'm not--

- Perhaps someday you can suitably apologize

for this intolerable insult.

Meanwhile, I will trouble you only to call me a cab

so that I may remove myself from this place.

- So soon?

Isn't there a little account to be settled

between us first for what you did to me that day I proposed?

I loved you, Alice.

I loved you more than life itself.

At the time you amused yourself with my heart.

But, now in exchange, I'm going to amuse myself

with your body.

(somber music)

- Jack Armstrong, you're dangerously insane,

outrageously insulting, and I refuse to stay here

and listen to you a moment longer.

Let me out.

- You're a prisoner, Alice.

- Don't be absurd.

You've always been a prisoner

of this hypocritical society of ours.

But, before long, I'll have liberated you.

- Jack, you should see a competent doctor

at the earliest convenience.

You're not well.

In fact, why don't we both go together, right now.

- This moment has been carefully planned.

I took this house solely because of this room.

Let me show you.

Look!

♪ Dum dee dee

These for your lovely wrists,

made of the softest velvet so they'll caress you,

not hurt you.

And, for the couch, you've already seen the restraining bar.

And, now watch what happens with the couch

when I pull this switch.

(bars clattering)

Those were for your lovely ankles.

And, now watch this.

(switch clanking) (couch clattering)

Now, perhaps you can guess its purpose.

- (gasps) Help! (fists thudding)

Please somebody let me out, help!

- I told you the room was soundproof

and there's only Samson to hear you,

which, of course, he's unable to do.

- Oh, if only I were a man!

- If you were, I can assure you this entire scene

would not be taking place.

Now, let's get to it.

(loud knocking)

- Uh!

- Open the door!

- Fanny!

- Thank the Lord you saw me or I'd have drowned out there.

- I wasn't told to expect you.

- Never mind.

Where's Miss Alice?

- Miss Alice and Master Jack are occupied.

- Uh, really?

- Let me help you out of those wet things

before you catch a chill and flood the whole house.

(lighthearted music)

- But, no!

(giggles)

Oh well.

(Samson grunting)

- Oh!

(both chuckling)

- Aw.

- [Both] Mmmm.

- Here's to an unforgettable afternoon.

- This is all an absurd game to teach me a lesson, Jack?

Well, you've made your point.

I'm sorry.

Now, please stop.

I don't want to play anymore.

- You've always played a game with me, Alice.

But, this is the most serious one I've ever played.

Well, Alice, what's it going to be?

Will you submit quietly and remorsefully

or do you prefer that I force you?

- Never!

I defy you!

(lively chase music)

(Jack laughs)

Do your worst.

I'll fight you all the way.

You'll never enjoy a moment of it, I promise you.

- (chuckles) I'm glad you've taken this attitude, Alice.

Think of all the fun that we might have missed.

Oh, no, not the '64!

It's still half full.

- It's all yours.

(bottle shattering)

- Oh, what a shameful waste.

- [Alice] (gasps) Oh, oh, no, no!

- [Jack] Oh nobody get you.

- You'll never catch me, Jack.

- Oh, no?

- [Alice] No!

- That's what you think.

(ropes clattering)

(Alice screams)

- What's happening?

What are you doing to me, Jack?

- [Jack] Down a little.

There we are. - Oh, God!

Oh stop, Jack.

Let me out of here! (Jack chuckling)

- [Jack] Get these down.

- Oh no, no, no.

Oh, oh, Jack!

- There!

- No what...

Oh oh, what are these things for?

Oh, oh.

Oh, Jack, let me out! (Jack laughing)

(machine whirring)

- I've got you just as I planned.

- Just you try to touch me, Jack Armstrong!

- Forgive me, there are a few features

of The Snuggery that I haven't shown you yet.

(belts clanking)

- (gasps) Stop it!

(Jack laughs)

You must be mad!

- The motor's electronically operated.

The latest thing.

(shock exploding) (both gasping)

- Stop, the machine is pulling me up into the air.

- Don't worry, I'll have you right down again.

Some sort of short circuit.

(Alice gasps) (Jack grunts)

- Stop it this instant!

(cries) Oh, oh, no.

This isn't funny, Jack.

My arms hurt.

(wires crackling)

- Oh dear. (Alice shouting)

- Oh oh oh! - See, here...

(Jack shouting)

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, Jack!

(machine clattering)

- [Jack] How did this happen?

- Oh, oh, uh, uh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, Jack, it's all your fault.

Stop it before it kills us!

- Oh, keep calm.

I'll think of something.

I have a pocket knife here.

(Alice groaning)

- Oh oh, no, oh.

- About (chuckles).

(both groaning)

(lighthearted music)

- I'm hungry, Samson.

I'm hungry.

- So, am I.

In fact, I was thinking of sampling

a tempting dish right now (laughs).

(Fanny giggles)

- [Samson] Muh muh, muh,

muh, muh, muh.

Muh, muh, muh.

- Oh, I'm just mad about cucumbers.

Mmm mmm.

(both grunting)

- [Jack] What's happening?

- [Alice] Oh, Jack, stop it, I can't stand it!

- [Jack] How can I stop it?

I don't even know how it got started.

- [Alice] Oh well, for God sakes, use your head, can't you?

- [Jack] It says it was guaranteed.

- [Alice] Well, this is all your fault.

Use your head.

Oh, you got us here, we're trapped now, I think.

- [Jack] What do you mean, we're trapped?

- We're not, Alice. - Of course we are.

Oh, Jack do something.

I'm feeling sick.

Please get me out of here.

(switch sputtering) - I'm trying to do

everything I can.

- [Alice] You're not.

- [Jack] Easy does it.

Try to be calm.

- I can't be calm.

I'm feeling sick, Jack.

(both clattering)

Get me down before I faint.

Jack!

Jack!

You all right?

- Yes.

Just a slight headache.

- [Alice] Oh, oh.

Oh.

Oh, hurry, Jack.

(machine clacking)

- (sighs) There you are, Alice.

It does take adjustment till the machinery

is working perfectly.

- Release me at once or I promise you

that I shall have the law after you.

- You may not think it just now, Alice,

but some day you're going to bless me for this.

- I'll kill you!

- Well, do you still think I'm a rabbit now?

- No, you're more like a snake.

- [Jack] Mmm.

(Samson grunting) (lighthearted music)

- [Fanny] Mmm, mmm, mmm.

- Mmm, mmm, mmm damn.

- What are you going to do, Samson?

- I don't know whether to come or go.

- (gasps) Jack, please don't.

(Jack chuckles)

Don't, I'll die of shame.

- Don't worry.

I don't think anyone has ever died from that condition.

Oh no, your stays are in the way, Alice.

That won't do at all.

- Oh, Jack, don't humiliate me.

- Humiliate?

You're much better at that than I.

I'm going to admire you.

- Jack.

- [Jack] Hmm, what a complicated business.

It's a wonder you can breathe at all.

- Don't, Jack.

Don't pull the tie strings.

The tie strings, don't pull them, please.

- Ha, the tie strings.

Oh, they're superb.

Unbelievably beautiful.

I knew they would be.

- Do you really think so?

- [Jack] Yes.

- Marion says they're too small.

- Oh, no.

Mmm.

- Jack, don't.

(loud knocking)

Oh dear!

Now, what?

- It's only Samson with some refreshment.

(delicate music)

Samson, port for Miss Alice.

- Yes, sir.

- Don't go away.

I'll be right back.

- He's gone mad.

Your master's insane.

(Samson grunting)

Look what he's done!

Help me!

I know you can't hear, but you can see what's happening.

The police, call the police.

Help me!

Oh, don't just stand there grinning like an idiot.

Do something.

(soft thudding)

- [Jack] Mmm hmm.

- Ring if you need anything, sir.

Keep up the good work, sir.

- Oh, men!

You're all the same.

Disgusting, vile, lecherous brutes.

(both grunting)

Don't you dare undress me.

No, no!

- Very well, Alice, if you insist upon being difficult,

there are many other ways of getting your clothes off.

- Over my dead body.

- That's one way.

And, there are others, too.

I've got a little surprise in store for you, Alice.

Right over here. (light drumming music)

See, ah, here they are.

Now, will you undress yourself

or do I have to use these?

It means I'll cut your lovely clothes into pieces

and you'll have to go home stark naked.

And, it's rather nippy outside.

- You wouldn't dare!

- Oh, wouldn't I?

I'll start with your skirt.

- No, don't, Jack.

Well, since you leave me no choice,

I'll do it.

Loosen my arms.

- That's being much more sensible.

You might even enjoy what's going to happen.

If you'll take the chance.

- I'm only doing what I'm doing 'cause I'm forced to.

- Have it your own way.

(lively music)

(camera clacking)

- Well, it's done.

(camera clacking)

I hope you're satisfied.

- (gasps) Oh.

Well, do you feel any different now?

- Yes, I feel a chill.

There's a frightful draft in here.

- By Jove you're right.

Samson left in such a hurry, he forgot to close the door.

But, I'll take care of it.

After I've put away your clothes.

(sighs) 'Tis truly a beautiful body,

as beautiful as a statue of Venus, the goddess of love.

But, a living statue.

Your sensuous body has ached to be admired and caressed,

hasn't it, Alice?

- Oh no, it's too much like this.

I'm not just a object for your passion and lust, Jack.

I'm a human being.

- You have passion and lust, too, Alice.

Admit it.

- No!

A lady doesn't.

- Poor Alice.

I understand it isn't easy to break all these years

of hardened virginity in a mere moment.

I assume after all this trouble on my part,

that you are a virgin.

- Yes, damn you!

- So then, our lessons must begin at the beginning.

(lively violin music)

(Alice giggles)

I must confess, Alice, I didn't think

you were going to enjoy it this quickly.

- I don't, I'm just so dreadfully ticklish there.

(giggles)

- Oh, here?

- (laughs) Yes, yes, don't.

- And, here?

- (gasps) No, Jack!

I am not ticklish there.

(loud knocking)

- [Officer] Open up!

- Oh, Samson. - The police.

Answer in the name of the law. - Someone's banging now.

- Yeah, yeah (grunts).

- Samson. (lighthearted music)

(loud knocking)

Someone else is banging.

The door.

- No!

(grunts)

- The door.

- Oh, the door.

- Uh huh.

- The law?

(loud knocking)

- [Officer] Open up in the name of the law!

(loud knocking)

(thunder cracking)

- A crown warrant for the entire premises.

A search warrant signed by the Honorable Judge Pettibone.

- I can't hear a word that you've been saying, sir.

And, I haven't mastered reading your lips.

(lighthearted music)

Kindly write your business on this pad.

- Judge Pettibone has ordered us to search

for The Ripper.

Do you understand?

Jack The Ripper.

Oh, give me the bloody pen.

(upbeat harpsichord music)

Where is the cellar?

- [Samson] Huh?

- The cellar.

- Oh, the cellar.

This way.

(upbeat harpsichord music)

- [Officer] Open in the name of the law!

(loud knocking)

- What about me?

- [Jack] Hmm?

Oh.

- Don't let them find me like this.

I'd die of shame.

- Don't worry.

They'll be gone soon now.

- But, what shall I do if they come over here?

- Act like a statue and don't make a sound.

(loud knocking)

Hmm.

- Jenkins, search that side of the room

and don't miss anything.

I'm sorry, sir, but every old lady in London

claims to have seen him.

(upbeat orchestral music)

The next thing you know, someone will have me

questioning the Prince of Wales.

(both laughing)

Oh, fantastic.

I've never seen an aspidistra magnipinna erectus

this size before.

- What a fine portrait of Her Majesty.

Her eyes look so real.

They seem to follow you around the room.

- I trust you found everything satisfactory, gentlemen.

- Please excuse our interruption to your work, sir.

Your photographic portraits are truly works of art.

- Oh, thank you, sir.

- I must say, is a magnificent specimen

you have there, sir.

- Oh, uh, uh, do I?

- Yes, of course.

But, I must say, between us that that Greek statue

behind us is in poor taste.

- I know that, but it's a gift

from an eccentric rich uncle, you see.

- Oh, I understand.

Yes.

- Samson will see you out.

- Yes.

Good day, sir.

(lively orchestral music)

- Don't you dare to touch me again, Jack Armstrong.

- I have no intention of touching you again, Alice.

Unless you wish me to.

(door creaking)

Anyhow, I think this little gadget will be the answer

to your problem.

(bells tinkling)

- What is it?

- Isn't it a beauty?

It was originally invented by one Wong Twang,

royal engineer to the Emperor Ying in the 3rd century.

Clever those Chinese.

Also invented spaghetti, you know.

- What's in that black pipe?

- That's the most important part

of the whole invention from which it derives its name.

(birds chirping)

It's called the Chinese Tickler.

- Oh, no, not that, Jack.

It'll kill me.

I couldn't stand it.

- Oh, nonsense.

It's just what you need.

And, they say it never fails.

- Really?

- Yes, and no dirty male hand is going to violate

your chaste state.

(bells tinkling)

- Oh no, I'm afraid.

- But I'm not going to hurt you, Alice.

Just the contrary.

Relax and close your eyes.

(birds chirping)

Let your body say yes or no.

(machine clacking)

Oh.

Mmm.

(coughs)

Ooo ah.

Ooh there.

- Oh, no, Jack, I can't please.

(lively comical music)

- You'll love it, Alice, you'll love it.

(Alice laughing)

You see?

(Jack laughing)

Listen to your body.

It's wonderful, isn't it, it's wonderful.

(both laughing)

That's it, Alice, enjoy it.

Let yourself go.

Yes, nature's naked core.

- Oh, no, please, Jack,

no, no, no. - Yes.

- No, no, no, no, no. - Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- No, no, no, oh yes! - Hallelujah!

(machine whistling)

(gentle harp music)

- You never did learn to control yourself, Jack.

Now you've gone mad, just as I said you would.

(gentle harp music)

- But, you, my son, haven't listened

to your father's advice.

You're giving in to your lust.

You're about to deflower a defenseless maid.

Control yourself, Jack.

(fingers snapping)

(switch clacking)

(bar rattling)

(bars buzzing)

Control yourself. (gentle harp music)

- That poor girl.

Control yourself.

- Control yourself.

(somber music)

- You're right, Alice, this is beastly of me.

I can't do this to you.

It's degrading, disgusting,

and in bad taste.

Forgive me, Alice.

- I knew it.

Having exposed me, mauled me, heaped indignities upon me,

at the last minute you prove to be a rabbit after all.

- I'll show you if I'm a rabbit or not, Alice.

(lighthearted music)

- What's cooking, my dear? (Fanny gasps)

- Oh, Samson.

- [Both] I just whipped up a little trifle

to surprise you.

- Is there an echo in here?

(Samson chuckles)

Oh, Samson, put me down or my batter will fall.

- I must hurry, my dear, or my batter will fall.

(both chuckling)

Oh, I just love buns.

- Oh (chuckles).

- Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

(door creaking)

(cart clattering)

- [Alice] What in Heaven's name is that?

- Be patient.

You'll soon know all about it.

In fact, I dare say you'll never forget it

as long as you live, if you force me to use it.

- You're not going to hurt me, are you, Jack?

- Alice, this remarkable machine was originally invented

in Russia by Dr. Sergei Popov for none other

than Catherine the Great.

Hence, its popular name the Czarina's Delight.

I, of course, have added a few modern improvements.

Let me demonstrate them.

- Must you?

(machine clattering)

- I think you'll find it educational.

(machine clattering)

(machine whirring)

(bell ringing)

- Oh, no, it's, it's monstrous.

- Alice, I've decided not to force myself on you

so you must choose between submitting voluntarily

to me or possibly to the Czarina's Delight.

Well?

Well?

Hmm?

- Do I have any other choice?

(lighthearted music)

(water splashing)

- That reminds me, I must polish up the doorknobs.

- (chuckles) That reminds me, I must finish up the sausage.

- Well, it's time to begin the final movement

of this afternoon's concerto for two.

- What do you mean?

- You know very well what I mean.

Are you going to fight me again?

- How could I, a mere girl?

I'm no match for a strong, virile man like you, Jack.

- Then we don't need these.

(machine clattering)

- Ah, oh.

- Shall we begin?

(somber music)

- I don't know why I ask but, when you love me

let me think I'm your wife.

In fact, let's pretend it's our wedding night.

Is that asking too much?

- I could never deny you anything, your dreams included.

- Husband.

- My wife.

(glasses clinking)

Here.

(chuckles)

Oh, have you ever seen it, Alice, wife?

- What, husband?

- A man fully unclothed.

An alive, mature man.

- Why no, never.

- Well, there's nothing to fear.

Are you ready?

- Yes!

- Good.

Uh, I hope you won't be disappointed.

- Why, it's extraordinary!

- Oh, well, it may perhaps be above average, but...

- I'm not as shocked as I thought I'd be.

- Oh, are you pleased?

- Please, husband, don't ask me to speak further.

(romantic music)

What?

- May I learn something about my wife?

- You are my husband.

Oh, darling, darling, why did you wait so long?

All that tea, all those cucumber sandwiches.

Why don't you take me and crush me?

- But, Alice, you were so cold.

You gave me no encouragement.

And, there was Sir Cecile.

But, that's all changed now.

You shall be mine.

Well, do you still think I'm a rabbit or a snake?

- A lion, rather!

(giggles)

- Are you ready, Alice?

- My wife.

- My, my wife.

- Yes, love me.

Love me now.

(groans)

(switch clacking)

(machine rustling)

(couch humming)

(lively orchestra music)

Oh darling, what a sensation.

Just like I'm rising up to Heaven.

(couch rustling) - Yes.

(couch thudding)

- Oh, my husband.

Now, I know what it really means

to fall in love. (couch rustling)

- Me too.

(Alice moaning)

(couch rustling)

(switch clacking) Oh.

(couch rustling)

Oh, oh, my sweetheart.

I feel the whole world is shaking.

(couch rustling)

- Me too.

(Alice moaning)

(couch rustling)

(couch clattering)

- Darling, that hurt.

(couch whirring)

- Oh darling, I feel the whole world is spinning around me.

- Me too.

(both moaning)

Lover, come back, come.

- Come, I'm coming!

(both groaning)

(switches crackling)

(couch thudding)

- Oh, Jack, that was absolutely fantastic.

- Uh, really?

- I never dreamt it could be so exciting, so thrilling.

- Me too.

(gentle music)

It had been a long tiring afternoon,

but a very satisfying one.

And, Alice had changed from a cold maiden

into a warm woman.

- Oh, Jack.

How fortunate it is for me to have found

the most immoral man in London.

- (chuckles) Oh, there are hundreds of them out there

hiding behind their morning coats and teacups.

- But, never you.

Without your courage.

Well, why did you get dressed?

- Well, I thought you wanted to get home.

After all Marion's ill and there's purchases

to make for your mother.

- Home?

You spent all that time with me just for one little lesson?

- But, but, Alice, I never realized--

- You have a very ardent pupil, teacher.

So, come on, teach me more.

(both grunting)

- Alice, Alice. - What's wrong, Jack?

You wanted me to learn

to enjoy it. - Please careful.

Must the pupil educate the teacher?

- Class is dismissed for today.

Where the devil is that key?

- I have it, Jack.

- You?

Samson! (fists thudding)

Help!

- It will do no good to scream or pound on the door.

The room is soundproof and only Samson could hear,

and he, of course, is deaf.

- But, the, the couch!

You let me make love to you.

- Because I chose to, Jack.

Did you really think you could force me to do anything

I didn't want to do?

Or deny me anything I really want?

And, right now I want you.

(Jack groans)

Oh, yes.

- Now? (lively orchestral music)

- Yes. - Now, I'm--

- [Alice] Stop!

Uh uh. - Doesn't anything?

Alice.

Oh Alice, have mercy. - Yes.

- I'm tired. - No, no, oh no, Jack.

- Please don't do it, Alice.

- No, ah. - No, I eh...

(Alice shouting)

(Alice laughing)

- [Jack] Alice, please.

(gentle music)

After that fateful afternoon, Alice gave me no rest

or peace of mind until I made her an honest woman.

Being a Victorian gentleman, I had no choice

but to reluctantly agree.

I felt like Dr. Frankenstein trapped by the monster

I had created myself.

- Ladies and gentlemen, I wish to propose a toast.

To Her Majesty the Queen.

(dishes clattering) - Ah!

To the Queen.

Long may she rise, uh, reign.

(church bells ringing)

(birds chirping)

I often wonder who trapped whom that afternoon

in The Snuggery.

(upbeat orchestral music)

(all giggling)

- [Woman] Oh no.

(all laughing)

(bed thudding)

Oh oh oh oh!

Oh ho ho oh oh oh.

(all laughing)

Oh oh oh.

(lively orchestral music)

(all laughing)

Oh, oh, oh, oh.