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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,837
? It seems today that all you see ?
2
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,174
? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ?
3
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,928
? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?
4
00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:14,472
? On which we used to rely? ?
5
00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:18,226
? Lucky there's a family guy ?
6
00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:21,604
? Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ?
7
00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,189
? All the things that make us ?
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,024
? Laugh and cry ?
9
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:30,155
? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ?
10
00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:34,076
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -
11
00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:40,540
Meg, the boys need the room.
12
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:43,168
'Kay, one sec...
13
00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:46,254
Crap!
14
00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:48,089
Gene, they're coming.
15
00:00:48,090 --> 00:00:49,549
They're coming fast, Gene.
16
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:52,093
Start recording, Gene. Gene!
17
00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:54,470
Chris, your mother and I
divided all our stuff
18
00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:55,721
after a recent argument,
19
00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:58,015
and I came across
something very special:
20
00:00:58,016 --> 00:01:00,185
the Nintendo NES.
21
00:01:01,436 --> 00:01:04,522
This is a day I've been
waiting for for 30 years,
22
00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:06,816
and now, I get to share it with my son.
23
00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:10,194
Get ready for the greatest
video game of all time,
24
00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:11,445
Donkey Kong.
25
00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:18,869
- This game sucks.
- What are you talking about?
26
00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:21,872
Uh, what universe does this
even take place in?
27
00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:24,250
Everything needs to take place
in a universe.
28
00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:27,545
It's a warehouse with ladders
where a monkey took a girl.
29
00:01:27,546 --> 00:01:29,589
What about the micro-transactions
30
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:31,591
that slowly bankrupt our family?
31
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:34,927
Or the children slinging racist
taunts into your earpiece?
32
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:38,055
It has two buttons, and I have
to look down when I press them.
33
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:39,473
Donkey Kong sucks.
34
00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:42,393
I could build the same game
on our house.
35
00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:44,730
Donkey Kong house?
36
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,484
Sorry I put you in a dress, Stewie.
37
00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:53,112
- We needed a damsel.
- Hey, do I look upset?
38
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,614
What do we got today?
39
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,699
Looks like a Donkey Kong house.
40
00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:58,701
What a mess.
41
00:01:58,702 --> 00:02:00,995
- Want a beer?
- Yes, sir.
42
00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,705
- Is that a YETI?
- It is.
43
00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:04,707
You mind if I talk about it
for 45 minutes?
44
00:02:04,708 --> 00:02:06,667
Oh, I know I can't stop you.
45
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:09,545
Barrel.
46
00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:12,758
Barrel. Barrel.
47
00:02:13,884 --> 00:02:15,801
What is all this noise?
48
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:18,429
I'm trying to buy everything
on Amazon in here.
49
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:19,514
Barrel.
50
00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:23,643
Ah! My foot. Oh, I think it's broken.
51
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,394
Uh-oh. Next level.
52
00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:36,405
The doctor said
I'm gonna be laid up for a week,
53
00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:38,366
so you'll have to take care of the kids,
54
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:40,618
but that'll give you some quality time
55
00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:42,703
with them, huh? Are you excited?
56
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:44,372
No, and you know that.
57
00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:46,248
Are you brushing with a grill brush?
58
00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:49,335
I left my toothbrush
at a hotel three years ago.
59
00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:51,462
Look, now, don't worry,
it's just a week,
60
00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:53,631
and taking care of kids
is not that hard.
61
00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:55,675
The Facebook status of every girl
62
00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:57,802
I went to high school with
would disagree.
63
00:02:57,803 --> 00:03:00,304
Plus, you know I'm not very good
at taking care of things.
64
00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:02,431
Remember, I even lost custody
of our orchid.
65
00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:04,809
Please, you can't take my baby.
66
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,269
- How often did you water her?
- Every day.
67
00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:09,689
- Every day?
- I thought water was good.
68
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,274
Not that much. What about sun?
69
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:13,567
I put it in the front window.
70
00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:15,778
A western-facing window?
71
00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:19,657
That's direct, afternoon
sunlight, you... monster!
72
00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:21,367
It's not worth it, O'Malley.
73
00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:24,870
Why do these guys get to have
one while me and Molly...
74
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:28,541
Hey, it's gonna
happen for you and Molly, I know it.
75
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:29,750
Stress doesn't help.
76
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:31,419
Why don't you guys come over tonight?
77
00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:32,712
We'll hang out on the patio.
78
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:36,090
Yeah, okay. That sounds nice.
79
00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:37,466
Want me to bring anything?
80
00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:39,552
How about the food and the drinks?
81
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:42,764
That feels like everything, but okay.
82
00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:49,186
Breakfast?
83
00:03:49,187 --> 00:03:51,021
You're supposed to make breakfast.
84
00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:52,274
Oh, right.
85
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:57,987
Maybe we should go out for food.
86
00:03:57,988 --> 00:04:00,030
Having a little trouble this morning?
87
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,198
No, no, I'm doing great.
88
00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:03,909
Look, I already got
Stewie and Brian changed.
89
00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:05,911
Ow.
90
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:08,998
Okay, maybe I'm having
a little trouble, but I'm a dad.
91
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,333
The only thing I know
how to use is a Shop-Vac.
92
00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:13,502
I already made myself some toast,
93
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,839
so I don't need your help.
94
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:20,177
Dads need to eat first.
95
00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:26,932
Get out.
96
00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:29,351
There's a grenade in here.
97
00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:30,853
Use it to get a better lunch.
98
00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:33,314
I got a sandwich in mine.
99
00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:34,983
You got the wrong bag.
100
00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:39,780
Finally.
101
00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:44,159
Aw, crap, three kids.
102
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,799
I don't know what
I'm supposed to bring in.
103
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,843
You're doing a great job, Dad.
104
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:05,596
- So cute.
- #DanceLikeADad.
105
00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:07,348
I'm waving to someone behind you.
106
00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:09,767
Wow, everybody's being so nice.
107
00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:11,852
Hey, we normally order at the counter,
108
00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:14,230
but it looks like you've got
your hands full today.
109
00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:15,272
What can I get you?
110
00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:17,233
Can you stuff
a blueberry muffin into a cup
111
00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:18,484
and pour coffee all over it?
112
00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:22,154
Normally, no, but I can't say
"no" to a super dad like you.
113
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,448
Where's this little guy's mom?
Is she coming in, too?
114
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:25,741
No, she's not with us.
115
00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:27,868
Oh, my, she's dead? I'm so sorry.
116
00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:29,161
Oh, actually...
117
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,788
Is there anything else I can bring you?
118
00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:32,790
We make a great homemade
banana cream pie.
119
00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:33,874
It's on the house.
120
00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:36,293
Uh... yeah.
121
00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:37,753
My wife is dead.
122
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,171
I'll have that pie.
123
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,465
I'll bring it right away.
124
00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:43,384
- Is everything okay?
- Uh...
125
00:05:43,385 --> 00:05:45,427
I'll never forget her last words,
126
00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:49,098
"Get free extra whipped cream
on your Frappuccino."
127
00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:52,142
It already comes
with a lot of whipped cream.
128
00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:55,313
She was very specific
about more.
129
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:03,779
There he is.
130
00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:06,240
How's the week going as the solo dad?
131
00:06:06,241 --> 00:06:08,868
And how is Lois' foot?
132
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:11,495
I'm not rooting for her
to lose it, but...
133
00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:13,122
Are you guys about to talk
about your kids?
134
00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:15,875
You said I can look at my phone
when you talk about your kids.
135
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:18,794
This is the closest
I've ever been to Mr. Quagmire.
136
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,045
He's wearing makeup.
137
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:22,089
You know, I thought this week
was gonna suck,
138
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:25,301
but everywhere I go people
are super helpful and nice.
139
00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:27,094
That's because you're a dad alone.
140
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:29,722
That's the closest thing
people get to seeing a hero.
141
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,432
It's right after wounded veteran
142
00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:32,975
or ugly person who sings well.
143
00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:35,519
Totally. A mom alone
with her kids is a mess,
144
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,480
but when a woman sees a dad
doing the same thing,
145
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,232
total panty dropper.
146
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,400
Ew, Joe.
147
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,444
I've also been lying
about Lois being dead
148
00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:44,612
to get free things.
149
00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,989
- Thoughts?
- What kind of free things?
150
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,073
Pie, mostly.
151
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,533
- Good pie?
- Homemade.
152
00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:51,076
That's better than regular-made.
153
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:53,871
Bonnie lies about me being dead
all the time. You're fine.
154
00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:57,041
Just as long as you share
that pie with Kirby here.
155
00:06:57,042 --> 00:06:59,084
- Right, little guy?
- Who's Kirby?
156
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:01,712
- Your son. Kirby.
- His name is Stewie.
157
00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:03,589
Huh. Looks like a Kirby.
158
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:04,965
No one looks like a Kirby.
159
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:08,595
You'll see. I've never been
wrong about a Kirby.
160
00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:14,767
Peter? Can you come up here?
161
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:15,976
Need something, Lois?
162
00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:18,145
Oh, well, I just need
the Apple TV remote.
163
00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:20,940
Well, I am great at fetch.
164
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,609
Just the remote, please.
165
00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:25,611
Whoa. Did you feel that?
166
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:28,155
This isn't gonna
turn into an English Patient
167
00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:30,157
- type of thing, is it?
- What does that mean?
168
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:32,326
You know, caregiver and patient.
169
00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:34,870
A strong bond develops. Intimacy.
170
00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:36,538
Oh, maybe.
171
00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:39,708
Our fingers did touch
when you handed me that remote.
172
00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:40,709
I know.
173
00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,795
You know,
I've been in this bed for a long time.
174
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:45,464
I... I sure could use a sponge bath.
175
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,715
Oh, word?
176
00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:50,136
Why don't you start down by my cast?
177
00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:54,139
Oh, God, your leg is covered in hair.
178
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:56,058
That's right. I can't shave down there
179
00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:57,643
'cause the cast will get wet.
180
00:07:57,644 --> 00:08:00,062
- Look at it. Smell it.
- No.
181
00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:02,523
Take a deep breath and smell it.
182
00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:04,566
Ah! What is that?
183
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,360
Four days of sweat and a dinner fork
184
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:08,779
that got stuck
when I scratched my ankle.
185
00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:09,863
Please, let me go.
186
00:08:09,864 --> 00:08:11,740
This English Patient enough for you?
187
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:12,992
I don't know, I never saw it.
188
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,077
Every door you walk through
isn't a scenario
189
00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:17,413
you've typed
into the search bar of Pornhub.
190
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:20,708
- This is real life, and it stinks.
- Please, let me go.
191
00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:21,959
Now, you listen to me.
192
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,336
Every 90 minutes, I'm gonna ring this bell...
193
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:27,047
...and you're gonna come in
and take out a bowl of my waste.
194
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,049
If that's us forming a strong bond,
195
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:32,386
then you and I are gonna form
a very strong bond. Now, go.
196
00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:42,229
Oh, buddy,
this smells like a big one.
197
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:45,399
You've been feeding me nothing
but Chick-fil-A, so, yeah.
198
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,944
- A dad's changing a diaper.
- A dad changing a diaper?
199
00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:50,654
No biting, Aidan.
200
00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:56,785
? Where have all the good men gone ?
201
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:59,330
? And where are all the gods? ?
202
00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:03,167
? Where's the streetwise Hercules ?
203
00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:06,045
? To fight the rising odds? ?
204
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,589
? I need a hero ?
205
00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:12,676
? I'm holding out for a hero
'til the morning light ?
206
00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:15,971
? He's got to be sure,
and it's got to be soon ?
207
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:17,890
? And he's got to be larger ?
208
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:21,310
? Than life, larger than life. ?
209
00:09:34,866 --> 00:09:36,533
- Hi.
- Uh-oh.
210
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:38,368
Do you own a gray Honda Accord?
211
00:09:38,369 --> 00:09:40,370
- No.
- Okay, good.
212
00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:41,455
Good.
213
00:09:41,456 --> 00:09:44,374
My name's Becky,
and this is my son, T. J.
214
00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:47,294
You're the single dad, whose wife is...
215
00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:50,089
Two feet under, yes.
The shallow graves were cheaper.
216
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,925
I was wondering if you wanted
our kids to have a playdate.
217
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,511
I know how hard it can be
being a single parent.
218
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:58,430
I can make some lunch,
fire up the bounce house...
219
00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,641
We'll do it, we'll do it.
220
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,898
Those two seem to be getting along well.
221
00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:10,984
Yeah. So, how long
have you had a pet cloud?
222
00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:14,404
That's... a skylight.
223
00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:15,656
Does it bite?
224
00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:19,952
Do you want a beer?
I can make some snacks,
225
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,162
maybe pull out the
popcorn machine for the kids.
226
00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:23,789
Or we don't tell them,
227
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,875
and we keep all the popcorn
for ourselves.
228
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:28,961
You're fantastic.
229
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:32,297
I'm... I'm-I'm serious, though.
230
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,509
Hey, cheers.
231
00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:37,219
I'm glad we did this.
232
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:40,097
Having to entertain
a kid all day is exhausting.
233
00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:42,099
How long have you been doing it alone?
234
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:44,935
- Ah, feels like forever.
- Yeah, I know.
235
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,353
Doesn't get any easier.
236
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:48,647
I thought that after
my late husband, Scott...
237
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,900
Huh?
238
00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:53,986
Hey, Mom, can I show Stewie my room?
239
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:56,530
- Sure.
- Yes! Come on, Stewie.
240
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:57,865
Door open, bud.
241
00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:00,325
Dad.
242
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:03,453
You know, we could make this
a regular thing.
243
00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:06,123
It'll take the pressure off us
having to entertain them.
244
00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:09,668
Yeah, I'd like that a lot.
Oh, no, your pet cloud got out.
245
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,712
That's a-a window.
246
00:11:11,713 --> 00:11:14,299
So... so it'll come back?
247
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,888
Go away.
248
00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:23,974
Stop it. Damn it.
249
00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:25,475
Need help, Mom?
250
00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:26,560
Can you get rid of this fly?
251
00:11:26,561 --> 00:11:29,396
There's a swatter in the
top drawer of the dresser.
252
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:32,774
Okay, that drawer is full of sex toys.
253
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:35,194
Oh. Well, we must've moved
the fly swatter.
254
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:37,571
Uh, try the middle drawer.
255
00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:40,199
Is this a bit? Because that drawer
256
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,451
is also filled to the brim
with sex toys.
257
00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:44,996
Sorry. Look in the bottom drawer.
258
00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:46,997
Wrong again.
259
00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:57,299
These last few days have been
really fun for me and T. J.
260
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:58,717
I really like you, Peter.
261
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,928
It's rare that you can relate to someone
262
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:02,638
on a deeper level like we can.
263
00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,973
I know. Can I tell you something?
264
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:08,185
I know this is crazy, and
I-I don't use this word lightly,
265
00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:11,480
but I love the way you cut sandwiches.
266
00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:14,066
Perfect triangles. You're amazing.
267
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,734
You're amazing, too.
268
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:18,820
You've got a childish wonder about you,
269
00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:20,489
just like my late husband Scott,
270
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,741
- who used...
- Huh?
271
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,660
So, should we go back to my place?
272
00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:25,994
Keep the playdate going?
273
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:28,205
Maybe take out the popcorn machine?
274
00:12:28,206 --> 00:12:29,581
Let me touch all the buttons.
275
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,625
You can pour in the kernels.
276
00:12:31,626 --> 00:12:34,253
- You think I'm ready?
- No,
277
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,172
but I'll make sure you don't spill.
278
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:46,473
I wonder what Scott would think of this.
279
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:49,269
Give her a break.
She was acquitted.
280
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,732
And then she kissed me.
281
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:57,276
I don't know what to do.
282
00:12:57,277 --> 00:13:00,070
I guess lying about having
a dead wife to eat popcorn
283
00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:01,280
wasn't the best idea.
284
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:02,823
That's a nice story, Peter.
285
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:05,617
Did anyone else break
any sacraments this week?
286
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,536
Well, there's two things
you can do from here:
287
00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:09,538
break it off or go full scumbag.
288
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:12,582
If you're interested in going
scumbag, I sell a starter kit.
289
00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:15,043
It includes a second phone,
fake addresses,
290
00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:16,169
and some golf shirts.
291
00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:17,879
- I don't golf.
- Nobody does.
292
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,298
Golf was invented purely
293
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,841
so husbands can cheat on their wives.
294
00:13:20,842 --> 00:13:23,468
A six-hour game
in a completely different town
295
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:26,805
where you need special shirts?
I-I don't think so.
296
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:29,516
I was only hanging out
with Becky to help with Stewie.
297
00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:31,810
She clearly saw it as something else.
298
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:34,104
I got to break it off
before Lois finds out.
299
00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:36,315
You need to break it off 'cause
300
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,358
it's the right thing to do.
301
00:13:38,359 --> 00:13:40,027
When did you get glasses?
302
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:42,488
You like them? They're Kirby Parkers.
303
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:48,201
"Becky, please accept this GIF
304
00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:51,663
"of Forrest Gump waving
on a boat as goodbye.
305
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,457
"You are a great person,
306
00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:55,751
"but things are moving
a little too fast.
307
00:13:55,752 --> 00:13:59,129
"Almost as fast as this GIF
of Forrest Gump
308
00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,173
running out of his driveway."
309
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:07,137
- Surprise.
- Becky? What are you doing here?
310
00:14:07,138 --> 00:14:09,348
I wanted to come over
and make you dinner.
311
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,891
It's probably been
a while since you've had
312
00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:12,351
a nice, home-cooked meal.
313
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:13,435
You don't have to do this.
314
00:14:13,436 --> 00:14:16,396
- Hey, Mom Two is here.
- Hey, Stewie.
315
00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:18,148
What's going on? Who's this?
316
00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:20,025
You didn't tell me you had a dog.
317
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:22,194
He's very close to being put down.
318
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,695
I didn't want you to get attached.
319
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:26,073
Aw, but he's so cute.
320
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:31,203
Oh, I don't care who she is.
She can stay.
321
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,996
I'll be right back.
322
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,458
Hello, dear.
323
00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:38,418
I heard the doorbell, who was it?
324
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:39,878
Delivery guy. We ordered dinner.
325
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,714
- Oh, where did you order from?
- That place you hate.
326
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,257
- Oh.
- Yeah.
327
00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:47,052
Well, maybe I'll just come
downstairs and join you anyway.
328
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,763
You know, it's been about a week,
and I'm starting to feel better.
329
00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:52,599
Uh, no, no, no. Trust me,
you-you-you don't want to go downstairs.
330
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,185
Uh, Brian is talking
about the Electoral College.
331
00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:56,895
- Oh.
- Yeah.
332
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:59,231
I'll just eat dinner up here.
333
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:00,858
Excusez moi.
334
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:07,406
Hi, I have your boner
and butt pills from Gladiator.
335
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,908
That's supposed to be discreet.
336
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,577
Hey, Dad. Where's Mom?
337
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:16,123
Upstairs... Uh, the big upstairs.
338
00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:19,126
- That's what we call heaven.
- Mm. I get it.
339
00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:21,545
I tell T. J. that
my late husband Scott's...
340
00:15:21,546 --> 00:15:23,547
Huh?
341
00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:24,714
Mom's calling.
342
00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:27,300
I-I told them every time a bell rings,
343
00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:29,136
that's their mom saying hello.
344
00:15:29,137 --> 00:15:30,762
- Help.
- Help, help. Saying-saying help.
345
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:34,391
She-she died very painfully.
Pardonnez moi.
346
00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:38,019
You forgot your box
of boner and butt pills.
347
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:39,564
It's discreet.
348
00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:44,067
Mur-der the carpet.
349
00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:45,735
Hello.
350
00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:46,987
I... What are you doing?
351
00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:48,280
Can you help me down the stairs?
352
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,449
Uh, th-the doctor said
to stay in bed a week.
353
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,284
You know, I just need
to get out of this room.
354
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:53,910
My back is killing me.
355
00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:55,704
Lois,
356
00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:58,290
if you stay up here
for the rest of the night,
357
00:15:58,291 --> 00:16:00,667
I will use the marital tongue on you.
358
00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:03,462
Okay, but this time,
I get to pick the spot.
359
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,464
In the meantime, can you just
get me the heating pad
360
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,425
for my back? It's in the attic.
361
00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:11,929
The roast.
362
00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:16,309
Wait a minute, I'm not cooking dinner.
363
00:16:17,435 --> 00:16:19,769
Heating pad, heating pad, heating pad...
364
00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:22,356
Oh, crap.
365
00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:26,151
Hey. H-Hey, what are you doing, Bonnie?
366
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:29,362
I told Lois I would bring her
a loaf of my sourdough bread.
367
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,156
- She doesn't want it.
- What?
368
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,824
I just talked to her.
369
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,993
She's dead. Lois died. Go away.
370
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,578
Oh, my God.
371
00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:39,331
What are you doing
with her washing machine?
372
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:42,000
It's not for sale.
You'd need a furniture dolly
373
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,585
to get it out of the basement anyway.
374
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:46,755
We have one. I'll give you $100.
375
00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:49,299
Yeah, y... O-O-Okay. Maybe. Maybe.
376
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,092
Will it fit through the bulkhead door?
377
00:16:51,093 --> 00:16:53,303
Yeah, it looks like it'll fit.
378
00:16:53,304 --> 00:16:55,096
It'll totally fit.
379
00:16:55,097 --> 00:16:57,599
Yeah, all right. Let's do it. $100.
380
00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,436
Heating pad.
381
00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:06,943
Ah, wonderful.
382
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:14,908
Ugh, terrific.
383
00:17:16,494 --> 00:17:19,287
Probably a prowler.
It's cool, I know him.
384
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:20,998
He'll just go right into my bed.
385
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,668
- Hey.
- Hey, Meg's eating dinner.
386
00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:26,253
That's cool, I'll wait.
387
00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:28,881
It's kind of my thing.
388
00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:34,970
How am I gonna get down?
389
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,472
If you hold this feather, you can fly.
390
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:40,684
Really? Wow, thanks, little rat.
391
00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:42,811
Ow!
392
00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:46,106
That's for putting locks
on your garbage cans, you dick.
393
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,151
Heating pad.
394
00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:52,070
Where did you go? And why was your box
395
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,989
of boner and butt pills on the stairs?
396
00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:54,990
I almost tripped.
397
00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,199
Those are discreet.
398
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,742
Now, let's get you back upstairs.
399
00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:00,453
It's all right, Peter,
400
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:02,455
just open the Calm app.
401
00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:06,042
"Your credit card
has been decli..." Whee!
402
00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:08,837
There you are, Peter. Are you okay?
403
00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,130
Is this your mother?
404
00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:12,966
I'm sorry. Who the hell are you,
and why are you holding my baby?
405
00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:14,968
See? Total bitch, right?
406
00:18:14,969 --> 00:18:17,762
Boy, this-this is gonna be
a really funny story
407
00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:20,599
when I tell you both separately
far away from each other.
408
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,601
- Hey, Mom.
- Mom?
409
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,269
Peter said you were dead.
410
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:25,937
Dead? I am not dead.
411
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:27,939
I was just recovering from foot surgery,
412
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,858
so I put him in charge of the kids.
413
00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:31,985
- Now, what the hell happened?
- Heating pad?
414
00:18:31,986 --> 00:18:33,653
I cannot believe this, Peter.
415
00:18:33,654 --> 00:18:35,363
You've been lying to me?
416
00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:37,073
I thought we had something.
417
00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:39,701
And what kind of a mother
leaves their husband
418
00:18:39,702 --> 00:18:42,495
with the kids for a week?
It is a miracle they're alive.
419
00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:45,206
- Excuse me?
- I'll tell you what kind of mother,
420
00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:47,542
the best mom there is.
421
00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:49,544
I'm sorry I lied to you, Becky.
422
00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:51,713
All I wanted was free popcorn.
423
00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:54,090
Taking care of kids is relentless.
424
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:55,425
There's no escape.
425
00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:57,302
You know, unless you
"accidentally" leave them
426
00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:58,386
in a hot car.
427
00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:01,056
I mean, you'd get less jail time
than actual murder, right?
428
00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:03,892
And-and prison has to be
quieter than your actual life.
429
00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:06,561
Anyway, if I've learned
anything this week,
430
00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:08,980
it's that all mothers are heroes,
431
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,982
and the biggest hero I know
432
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:14,277
is the one I'm lucky enough
to call my wife.
433
00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:15,654
Oh, Peter,
434
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:18,491
that almost cancels out
everything you've done.
435
00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:25,413
Look, Becky, I don't blame you
for what happened.
436
00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:26,665
Nobody does.
437
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,083
But you're a beautiful woman,
438
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:31,836
you can do better than a
44-year-old morbidly obese guy.
439
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:33,713
You know what, you're right.
440
00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:36,132
Ever since I lost
my late husband Scott, I...
441
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:37,968
Huh?
442
00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:43,640
The other mom just left, and now,
443
00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:45,433
Bonnie's dragging a washing machine
444
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:46,518
out from the bulkhead.
445
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,603
Never a dull moment.
446
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,438
Hey, grab me a beer from the YETI.
447
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:52,565
- You know it'll be cold, right?
- Mm-hmm.
448
00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:56,528
Just picture it, the place:
Dripping Springs, Texas.
449
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,029
Roy and Ryan Seiders,
450
00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:00,949
brothers tired of their
conventional coolers breaking
451
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:03,368
when they would stand-cast
into the Gulf Coast,
452
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:05,370
took matters into their own hands
453
00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:08,498
and created the cooler
to end all coolers.
454
00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:09,541
Yeti coolers:
455
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,336
for the man in your life
with no personality.
456
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:19,884
Well, I'm glad
my foot's all healed.
457
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,095
It's so nice to be back downstairs.
458
00:20:22,096 --> 00:20:24,264
Yeah, and I'm happy our relationship
459
00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:27,100
is stronger than ever, and
everything is back to normal.
460
00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:28,977
Well, except every time
I look out the window,
461
00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:31,563
the beginning of "Kiss Me"
by Sixpence None the Richer
462
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,064
- starts playing.
- What?
463
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:35,942
? Kiss me ?
464
00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:38,486
? Out of the bearded barley ?
465
00:20:38,487 --> 00:20:40,321
? Nightly. ?
466
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:41,866
Aw.
467
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:47,662
? Oh, kiss me ?
468
00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:50,165
? Beneath the milky twilight ?
469
00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:52,417
? Lead me ?
470
00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:55,253
? Out on the moonlit floor ?
471
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,005
? Lift your open hand ?
472
00:20:57,006 --> 00:20:59,216
? Strike up the band and make. ?
34566
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