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Let's put more life into those nails, please.

There's no life in the nails?!

- Benek, please calm down... - I don't give a shit!

Benek, please come here.

There's no life in the nails?!

That's because it's somewhere else!

I QUIT

You are fired.

- Are you alive? - I still am.

Shall we have dinner on the anniversary?

I won't be hungry then. And it's not my anniversary, either.

Stop thinking you will do what he did.

Our father!

Fuck! Celebrate if you want.

CHEMO

You're blocking the way.

I want to get through.

Get through...

I'm soaking!

Can you dance?

- No. - Laugh?

- I don't remember. - Live?

Only for a while.

Perfect.

Let's go.

- Where? - To your place.

But don't expect any sex.

And remember that I'm in control, even when I'm not holding the wheel.

So where is... heaven?

Somewhere else.

So take me somewhere else.

- Now? - Now.

But first, a photo from this hell of yours.

I only photograph people for commercial purposes.

So treat me as a still life.

Anything else you're interested in, apart from suicide?

Nothing. End. Collapse. Peace. Transparency.

I like to look at it.

Most of the people I know are half-dead.

You seem to be about three-quarters dead.

You're perfect.

I slept with a dead beast, I deserve a reward.

- I didn't beg you to! - Not at all. A photo. Now. Please.

Please, no. Seriously.

Where?

Somewhere else. My treat.

Too fast!

- It's my car! - It's not yours, you only use it.

It is mine. I pay the instalments on time.

What if I suggested a joint suicide to you and your car?

Now?

Not necessarily. I can adjust to your schedule.

Serious business.

I have to get the coward in me drunk.

Why?

- Will you dance? - I'm in mourning.

- Who are you mourning? - Myself.

You know, I've never swum in the sea?

My father was to take me there but he never managed to.

That's great.

Whenever you do something new, you learn something about yourself.

Ideally you should do it daily,

because life isn't as long as it may seem.

Love me!

- I do. Love me! - I do. Love me!

I do! What's new?

- I do! Do you? - I do. Who?

I do! I'm crying! Enough!

I love you for being who you are

It needn't be better at your side

I can remain...

We start here!

An imperfection

A blur, a stain with no reconciliation

We start here!

I love your body which keeps you locked up

Your bones and muscles, heart and blood

We stop here.

I accept it in both sickness and health

as a holy wafer.

We start here!

Me, no.

What no?

I don't really feel like dying.

So?

But for you, and for the beauty of that moment, I'll persuade myself.

I don't get it. Funerals are sad anyway,

and this black colour only makes them worse.

A small, black death.

Do you have them?

"Here lies a dead proof

that one can lead a good life without having a purpose."

Nice.

And yours?

"Lived for as long as 33 years, which he deeply regretted."

Lena,

I want,

I have to tell you...

to ask... as a matter of fact...

Well, we've only spent a few crazy days together, but...

You'll have to let it go now.

Why not go completely mad?

I'm serious? Lena, marry me!

You weren't listening to me.

Let's get married.

You don't understand anything; it's not what we agreed on!

I never felt that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with somebody.

There's not much "rest" left.

I can't, and first of all,

I don't want to.

I have someone...

Who?

He's sort of an... animal.

Don't say anything else!

He's big.

Unpredictable.

- I feel him deeper. - What did you want from me then?!

You're more masculine.

I've got breast cancer.

In my right breast. And the left one, too.

We'll manage together!

No, we won't manage. I won't, because I don't intend to try.

I won't leave you, in this state, alone.

You... can't have me in this state.

But I'm leaving you, in this state, now.

Fuck!

Come, my lips, and wide proclaim The Blessed Virgin's spotless fame.

O Lady, make speed to befriend me.

From the hands of the enemy mightily defend me.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son...

- we match like two halves. - I can smell the whole bottle.

She's got cancer. Cancer, right?

Fatal disease.

First I was mad that she dragged me into it without telling me anything.

- And did you ask? - No, I didn't.

No questions, no answers.

Did she promise you anything more than a few crazy weeks?

- Well, no. - Exactly.

Have a few crazy weeks with her,

then convince her to get married.

With such a short marriage, at least you won't begin to hate each other...

Why?

Why do you refuse treatment?

Nice?

Sure.

If I get them cut off, I won't make a career.

Do you want to?

- Do I look like a coward? - No.

But I am...

suffering requires more courage than dying.

I know that from a certain source, Benek.

Have a few crazy weeks with me and get married.

With such a short marriage, at least you won't begin to hate me.

No.

Please.

No.

I, Benedykt...

I, Benedykt

take you, Lena, to be my wife.

I promise to be true to you

in good times and in bad,

in sickness and in health.

I will love you till the day do us part...

- till death do us part? - "till the day do us part"

till death do us part...

"according to God's holy ordinance"

according to God's holy ordinance.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son,

and of the Holy Ghost.

Congratulations later!

Now - life!

- I feel sorry for her, she's pretty. - Where are her parents?

They don't keep in touch.

But they know that she's ill, that it's her wedding, that...

Don't ask so many questions, Father.

The Church is for answers, not for questions.

- Are you the husband? - Yes.

Where are her previous test results?

- I don't know. - Has she had any treatment?

No. I mean I don't know.

Who is her consultant?

- Nobody. Actually, I don't know. - Nobody? I don't know?

She's got cancer!

What now?

You will become a widower with a little orphan.

Chicks will all over you.

A brute, a baby...

she died young and tragically.

- Do you want to have this baby? - And you?

Actually, who am I asking? You are a child yourself

and children shouldn't have children.

Pregnancy and chemotherapy? They don't match.

Abortion and chemo at least offer some hope.

Cancer? Chemo?

- Baby? - Yes.

Cancer? Birth?

Take chemo in the first trimester and it will die by itself.

Will I survive 9 months without treatment?

You don't have much choice,

you can only try to cure yourself and hope.

You don't even have the dilemma here.

Pregnancy will only speed up the progress of the disease,

which for a moment, my dear mother, was not being cured.

And besides - mothers shouldn't be dead.

Mothers shouldn't be dead?

Mothers shouldn't be dead.

Is this the only pet theory which doctors advocate?

Lena, calm down.

The agreement was clear from the start.

The game of dying for real! The game has come to full swing

so it's time to stop it! I'll die by myself!

Life begins at conception.

The Church's approach to this very question is unambiguous.

She doesn't want to.

I cannot push her.

Besides I'm not ready myself.

Not ready?! You are being insane.

A wife.

A child on its way.

That doesn't really match with black suicide room and jabber about death.

Poor, little Benny.

33 years old and what?

Nothing.

Not even shadow of a conclusion.

Mock up life, mock up suffering, mock up everything.

Deep in the past without time for presence.

Pissed off that daddy killed himself.

Zombie since then.

Mmmm... mmmm...

Come back here!

You have to start to live.

Said the master, hidden from life inside his cassock.

You will get your premedication in a minute.

We'll anaesthetise you and perform the procedure in the other room.

Please think about something...

excuse me... nice.

- Who is it? - I love you.

This is cancer, and we're at war with it.

What sort of bullshit is this? Leave my life to me!

- You're going to drop me! - I won't dump you!

Treason in wartime is punished by death!

I heard that you had you seventeenth baby delivered.

Nice, my friend, nice.

Death will have justified resentment towards you.

I'll explain it to death someday.

Death's a woman, she's patient.

How many mothers are you poisoning with chemo now?

One before mastectomy - second trimester.

And the second one - she's already had it.

The canteen is an unsophisticated stylist.

This one must be repeated.

Good morning.

Nights can be quite good, too.

And this?

- How did it happen? - I don't know, I mean...

So you don't realise that, even when you have cancer,

an intercourse involving a penis and a vagina may cause conception?

So it's a miraculous conception, immaculate one.

Is there a father?

In the case of cancer it's good to have two parents,

one might not be enough.

Good morning.

Is he a responsible one?

- Yes. I think that... - I don't see that.

It's not time for thinking. We must know.

I suggest mastectomy before the end of the first trimester

and chemo after the surgery.

What is the prognosis for the baby?

Good.

Won't it be killed?

None of those I administered chemo to were killed.

- What about the mothers? - They usually survive birth.

Have you decided?

Come with me.

Good bye.

Now you must love her to death.

I'm an expert at that.

I'd like to stress the "love" part, not "death".

Now everything is in the hands of...

- Our Holy Mother. - Mother Zybert. Goodbye.

"THE BIG C AND ROLL"

Listen to this:

"Cancer still arouses fear and helplessness."

I feel really empowered.

"Double mastectomy has in no way diminished my femininity."

Uhm. Right.

- So you'd like to be my Brad Pitt? - Uhm?

A woman without breasts is not a real woman.

A woman without breasts is like a frog without a bicycle.

More like Hitler without the Holocaust.

- A woman without breasts is still... - Or like church without the devil.

A woman without breasts is still my woman.

Aren't you afraid?

No.

I envy people without imagination.

- I'll go on my own from here. - We were supposed to... together.

Together we live; I'm ill... alone.

We have to see if they go blue.

Feeling okay?

Amputation of breasts, the right hand and the nose.

- And the kidney. - Anything else to cut?

Doctor's salary?

Lena...

How is the frog without the bicycle feeling?

Great...

Morphine.

The breasts are gone, you're still here.

Couldn't it be the other way round?

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts!!!

"I am afraid that I am not a woman anymore."

"I am a woman."

"I look like an alien."

"But you haven't become a stranger."

"What if I start to hate the baby because of this?"

"Cancer! You bald fucker!"

Well, it's developing.

So, everything is OK.

You haven't filled in who to inform in case of death.

- Oh... - Fill it in.

"Acknowledgment of therapy's potential risks to the fetus".

Do you really want to have a baby in such a state?

As far as I know, my uterus and reproductive organs are healthy.

You'll feel cold now...

How does it look: a still life with life inside?

My ugliness turns you on, doesn't it?

Doesn't it?

Lena, we're doing fine.

You're doing fine?

You?

You had your breasts cut off?

Is everyone staring at you?

You're a...

"I'm afraid we will both die. I'm afraid of the time left..."

I'm afraid of his violence, of my own violence.

I'm afraid to look into his eyes,

to lower my eyes,

I'm afraid of suffering,

of understanding,

I'm a disfigured fear...

Great!

Awesome!

New portfolio.

Milk! Aren't you too big for that?

It's Lena, my wife.

- Wife? - Yes.

And she's pregnant.

You've always surprised me.

Hello! Do you like your colleague's tits?

There's nothing wrong with admitting she has nice breasts!

If something strikes a chord in you, then it means it's your business.

Otherwise it wouldn't affect you, irritate you,

annoy you, bother you, wouldn't hurt you.

If you defend yourself, it means you feel attacked.

If you feel attacked, it means you've been shot in the right place.

No, I don't have any breasts,

show that at last!

I've invited you here

I've lured you to this world

A body from my own and you inside it,

to this world, I have invited you

and the world is dancing up to its ankles in mud

it goes over dead bodies it runs to hell

it tramples on the bones of the lesser children

Hope in you saves me

Daddy!

Get up!

Daddy!

What's going on? "Are we there yet?"

Why are you calling me "Are we there yet?"

Remember when

we went to the seaside

and you kept asking:

"Are we there yet?"

That's why!

I'm hungry - are you?

No.

I'm so hungry that...

I could eat you all up.

Are we there yet?

I'm sleeping.

You were supposed not to wake me up.

Lena!

When I first shaved my head, I thought I was terribly ugly.

It took me some time to find beauty in myself

and I understood that it was not about hair or breasts

- but strength and... - Mommy!

Charisma which every single one of us has.

Other women also suffering from cancer confirmed it

and this is how the series of photos titled "Bald Beauty",

which I encourage you to see, was created.

Thank you very much Lena and now let's...

Nevermind.

Tosia, hurry up and eat. We will be late.

- Lena, it's burnt. - Not good.

The snake has to be as long as possible.

Benek, one child is enough for me. Come on Tosia.

- Hmm, still alive? - Still not dead?

- You look really great. - You exactly opposite.

So... is it getting better?

No, Ms Bilska.

The cancer is winning with you, not the opposite.

We can try further therapies...

but you shouldn't expect spectacular results.

In the USA, they're doing some new experimental research.

These are your complete medical records.

Scan and send them.

And if not... then how much time,

and when?

Do you want to plan your funeral precisely?

I do.

On Children's Day, for example.

Parents would love it.

So what do we do, Doctor? Do we write that down?

I'm not playing with death at someone else's cost.

You're joking, and I only have a few months of life left?

So what?

You can go crazy and travel somewhere far away!

Stage your own funeral,

dictate cancer your own conditions.

And remember, you're in control,

even when you are not holding the wheel!

Stop the car.

We have to go for this treatment.

It's not that I don't want to, but I don't have any money.

You're lying! I must go for the treatment.

We can't afford another experimental treatment.

I can drive my car into a wall with an ATM,

and it will just say: no!

You're skimping on me!

You're only thinking about yourself!

Sell something:

car, house, whatever. Make some money!

Nothing belongs to us anymore, for a long time.

You'd have been happy about that in the past.

In the past, you used to be more manly!

I am a wallet, babysitter, lover from the back.

I hate you!

I discharge you from this war of yours!

I am kicking you out.

Surprise!

Best wishes!!!

- Hi. - All the best!!!

Uncle!

Tosia's birthday!

The day when Tosia was born was also the day when I was reborn

because, thanks to her, I've found power

to combat the disease.

Cancer took away a lot from me,

but it has also given me inner strength

I hadn't known of before.

Now, when I'm visualising it, it seems to be

a tiny defenceless creature, a poor thing!

Don't leave me at the roadside, for fuck's sake!

It's not the right time and place!

You took fucking sick leave from life?

You can't just pick the things you like from life.

Would you prefer that I just pick those I dislike?

I didn't mean that.

It's not the right moment.

Yes it is! Here and now.

You said it yourself.

I won't talk to you now.

I talk to you even when you're dying.

Enough! I won't talk to you with guests here.

You're only talking to me because they're here.

I don't love you.

You have said that!

Yes, I have. You'll understand outside.

This is cancer,

and we're at war with it?

And treason in wartime is punished by death.

You're staying here. Shh...

Mrs Lena Bilska...

A cash loan, not paid off for the last three months.

Credit card - no payment for five months.

We understand it all,

but what are you doing to resolve our mutual problem?

Tuesday,

Thursday,

Saturday; there wasa jackpot.

So, you can see that I'm really trying to resolve our problem.

Besides, I've got cancer

and need a few hundred thousand zlotys for experimental chemotherapy.

Any ideas how we can exchange my adaptability for creditworthiness?

I know what you are going to say.

The results are bad.

I died of bad results several times before,

I gave birth to a child in the meantime.

I'm sitting here not planning to lie down...

You've got a drastic increase in tumour markers,

suppression of bone marrow,

radiological and ultrasound progression,

generalization of proliferative process affecting bones,

drug-induced organ damage - to the liver and the heart.

Review these results once more, please,

and come up with constructive statement.

Based on your diagnosis constructive approach is...

good palliative care.

That's all the best Polish oncologist has to say?

Ma'am, we are not gods,

we are oncologists.

Lena!

Lena!

She had no hair, breasts...

future.

Just her illness.

Is that a deadly sin?

Now, I told her that

I wouldn't give her the money for new chemo, because I don't have it.

I really don't.

She kicked me out. Forever.

She was right.

I was a coward.

And I was supposed to rescue her.

No penance for you. Your life is enough.

Benek!

Remember that you've already grown up!

You're an adult!

For fuck's sake, that doesn't mean you're almighty!

What goes around comes around.

Powerlessly

I fall and wait

until my body slams

to the ground

Powerlessly

I wait for love

Its momentum

bangs to the ground

It didn't work out.

It couldn't have worked out.

You can't be terminally ill with love.

I wait inertly

until huge happiness hunts me down

In the beginning I used you.

You seemed so funny with your morbidity.

A cute Polish desperado.

Under a lonely

gallows tree

Carry water for me, carry water for me

I flow with you, flow with you

I overflow my body too

I sink in the soil

I turn to vapour

and return with rain

And I am simply here

- Lena. - You're a great man.

Emotionally instable, but that's nothing terrible.

It's not my job to bring you up.

You don't need to bring me up,

only put up with me sometimes.

Powerlessly

I wait for happy moods

That won't hide from me

in the woods

Carry water for me, carry water for me

I flow with you, flow with you

I overflow my body too

I sink in the soil

I turn to vapour

and return with rain

And I am simply here

I know that in the beginning you toyed with me,

but nobody toyed with me like you!

I was alive then

and I want to be alive again.

I don't know what kind of life I like.

But I'd exchange any life for dying with you!

Come here, he's chasing us, the little horse is chasing us!

Look, you need to take care of your hat.

- Where are you? - Here I am, look!

Come here, he's chasing us, the little horse is chasing us!

I don't have any strength left for running away.

Mum, did you know that any time you try something new, you learn...

about yourself?

Yes, I did.

I've got an idea!

I'll teach you something.

Every nation has its own path to perfection.

The Japanese make tea,

Americans kill with drones,

and we Poles peel apples.

The trick is to make one long peel without breaking the skin.

In the past, this used to be a test for a potential wife.

Because you need imagination, precision and accuracy.

Remind your father

to test his future girlfriends this way.

Who wants a peel?

Me!

You took it!

Hand eater!

I've prepared everything, so you'll be bored until the end of life.

We've talked about it a thousand times.

I want you to be at home then.

I'll help you with everything.

But it's already happening!

I would like you, Tosia and this home to remember me...

alive

and strong.

But, of all the people, you should know best

that you don't do this at home...

I've gone over it hundreds of times in my head,

I really want it that way.

I'll leave this place on my own. Forever.

Here's to you.

To me.

Can I finally lie to you?

Go on.

I'm not afraid anymore.

Don't be afraid.

Love me.

I do. Do you?

I do.

"Since my house burned down I now own better view of the rising moon."

Done.

I tense my muscles I control

I feel it so much ever more strong

I feel matter

presence presence, this body of mine

tingling in the soul the flight of fireflies

thoughts chase thoughts in a tunnel of fear

presence presence, this ego of mine

No farewell

no easing

no leaving

I won't die, I won't die

No farewell

no easing

no leaving

I won't die

seconds and sevenths approach my ear

the slowing rate of my heart

I wind up my strong will

presence presence,

this body of mine

I know I'm here but have no feeling

I am a kite I am departing

presence presence,

this ego of mine

No farewell

no easing

no leaving

I won't die, I won't die

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