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1
00:00:02,486 --> 00:00:04,394
If you were a dog,
what breed would you be?
2
00:00:04,396 --> 00:00:06,246
You know those
hypoallergenic ones,
3
00:00:06,248 --> 00:00:07,322
uh, what are they?
4
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:09,416
Oh, the ones that don't answer
stupid questions.
5
00:00:09,418 --> 00:00:11,176
Truck 12. Please respond.
6
00:00:11,253 --> 00:00:14,179
Cougar observed at residence. 425 Knoll Drive.
7
00:00:14,256 --> 00:00:15,922
Homeowner is out of town.
8
00:00:15,924 --> 00:00:17,424
Truck 12 responding.
9
00:00:17,501 --> 00:00:19,184
There's been a lot
of sightings lately.
10
00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:20,519
A security camera
at a dry cleaner's
11
00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:21,854
got some great footage.
12
00:00:21,930 --> 00:00:24,339
It's a beautiful animal.
C-38. Majestic.
13
00:00:24,416 --> 00:00:27,008
Poor guy's probably just hungry,
you know?
14
00:00:27,086 --> 00:00:28,009
This isn't some cute
little kitty.
15
00:00:28,011 --> 00:00:29,177
You know that right?
16
00:00:29,513 --> 00:00:32,256
Last year in Spokane another
cougar attacked an officer,
17
00:00:32,258 --> 00:00:34,274
broke through his ribcage,
and ate his lungs.
18
00:00:34,426 --> 00:00:38,095
Oh, my God.
Did he survive?
19
00:00:38,097 --> 00:00:40,947
Without lungs? Yup. Yeah.
20
00:00:41,066 --> 00:00:42,857
Finished third at
the New York Marathon.
21
00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:43,617
Thank God.
22
00:00:43,878 --> 00:00:44,877
You know, I love stories
like that.
23
00:00:45,454 --> 00:00:49,048
Triumph of the human spirit.
You can't keep us down, Frank.
24
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:51,759
He died, Shred.
25
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,727
Oh, my God.
26
00:01:01,804 --> 00:01:02,561
What?
27
00:01:02,879 --> 00:01:04,788
On the stairs.
Right in the bushes.
28
00:01:04,790 --> 00:01:05,455
You see that?
29
00:01:05,674 --> 00:01:07,382
The hydrangeas or the azaleas?
30
00:01:07,459 --> 00:01:09,476
I don't know.
The pink ones.
31
00:01:09,478 --> 00:01:10,444
Azaleas.
32
00:01:12,298 --> 00:01:13,130
Oh my God.
33
00:01:13,132 --> 00:01:14,314
Hand me the tranq gun.
34
00:01:14,391 --> 00:01:15,557
If he comes for us,
35
00:01:15,559 --> 00:01:17,242
we're supposed to make
ourselves look big.
36
00:01:17,319 --> 00:01:19,319
Shh. Yeah.
That's the official line.
37
00:01:19,321 --> 00:01:21,229
But here's the real deal.
38
00:01:21,307 --> 00:01:23,657
Cup your junk and
hide behind something.
39
00:01:23,733 --> 00:01:26,234
Make your whole package
as inaccessible as possible.
40
00:01:26,236 --> 00:01:27,902
But Frank, I... I heard
they go for your neck.
41
00:01:27,980 --> 00:01:28,903
Yeah, they do.
42
00:01:28,981 --> 00:01:30,238
But it's not about
staying alive,
43
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:33,592
it's about life being
worth living if you survive.
44
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:39,098
Be careful.
45
00:01:40,008 --> 00:01:41,308
I think I got a clean shot.
46
00:01:46,557 --> 00:01:47,497
Unbelievable.
47
00:01:47,499 --> 00:01:48,423
What?
48
00:01:49,001 --> 00:01:49,833
What are you...
49
00:01:49,944 --> 00:01:53,112
Frank? Frank? Frank?
Are you crazy?
50
00:01:53,188 --> 00:01:54,429
Cover up your junk.
51
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:55,505
It's a stuffed animal.
52
00:01:55,691 --> 00:01:56,615
You don't know that.
It might just be asleep.
53
00:01:57,267 --> 00:02:00,010
Yeah. Well, when it wakes up
I'd speak to it in Vietnamese
54
00:02:00,012 --> 00:02:02,788
since it's probably
where it was made.
55
00:02:02,865 --> 00:02:03,622
They do great work.
56
00:02:03,699 --> 00:02:05,182
Whoo! Okay.
57
00:02:05,184 --> 00:02:07,017
Yeah, I'll make the call
to dispatch.
58
00:02:07,019 --> 00:02:08,535
Let 'em know it's a false alarm.
59
00:02:08,612 --> 00:02:09,795
-Wait.
-What?
60
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:12,798
You know what Churchill said.
Never let a crisis go to waste.
61
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:13,781
Totally.
62
00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:16,360
Quick refresher...
uh, who is Churchill?
63
00:02:16,362 --> 00:02:17,952
Relief pitcher
for the Mariners.
64
00:02:17,954 --> 00:02:19,454
I hear that dude's having
a great season.
65
00:02:19,456 --> 00:02:22,290
Look... we both know
this cougar isn't real.
66
00:02:22,368 --> 00:02:23,033
Right.
67
00:02:23,035 --> 00:02:24,143
But nobody else does.
68
00:02:24,553 --> 00:02:28,147
So, we have an opportunity to
humiliate a deserving individual
69
00:02:28,223 --> 00:02:30,065
and it would be wrong
to pass that up.
70
00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:32,192
Right?
71
00:02:33,379 --> 00:02:34,044
Gentlemen.
72
00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:36,563
Templeton... thank God
you're here.
73
00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:38,824
You're lucky I'm working
graveyard this week.
74
00:02:38,901 --> 00:02:40,550
Bring me up to speed.
75
00:02:40,552 --> 00:02:41,535
Come here.
76
00:02:43,889 --> 00:02:44,997
The predator is in those bushes.
77
00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:46,723
See? Now we've shot him
full of tranqs
78
00:02:46,725 --> 00:02:48,983
but that is one amped-up cat.
79
00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:50,002
Copy.
80
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:54,089
It takes a big man to admit
when he's in over his head.
81
00:02:55,401 --> 00:02:58,326
So... he's already killed
a couple of dogs.
82
00:02:58,328 --> 00:02:59,994
But the real concern
is the elementary school
83
00:03:00,072 --> 00:03:00,846
down the street.
84
00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:01,905
Yeah. Breaks my heart
85
00:03:02,090 --> 00:03:04,349
but, I think, we might have
to euthanize.
86
00:03:06,595 --> 00:03:07,928
Stand back, boys.
87
00:03:07,930 --> 00:03:10,230
This is a job for
Mister Remington.
88
00:03:11,007 --> 00:03:12,149
Okay.
89
00:03:14,028 --> 00:03:15,986
Bye-bye kitty-cat.
90
00:03:19,683 --> 00:03:21,608
On my orders... fire.
91
00:03:21,610 --> 00:03:23,851
You're gonna order yourself
to fire, sir?
92
00:03:23,929 --> 00:03:25,687
Stop questioning my authority.
93
00:03:25,764 --> 00:03:26,688
Execute!
94
00:03:31,027 --> 00:03:31,768
What?
95
00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:32,936
That was so good.
96
00:03:33,439 --> 00:03:36,106
That went so much better
than anyone could've hoped for.
97
00:03:36,108 --> 00:03:37,532
Oh, my goodness.
98
00:03:40,446 --> 00:03:55,308
♪
99
00:03:55,310 --> 00:04:04,493
♪
100
00:04:07,731 --> 00:04:09,973
'Kay. People are
still not conforming
101
00:04:09,975 --> 00:04:12,084
to recycling protocols.
102
00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:13,159
And once again,
103
00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:17,130
a half-eaten hamburger
is not recyclable... Frank.
104
00:04:20,076 --> 00:04:21,151
Thank you, Dolores.
105
00:04:21,153 --> 00:04:24,488
Uh, Dolores...
is this recyclable?
106
00:04:24,490 --> 00:04:25,322
Of course.
107
00:04:25,324 --> 00:04:26,156
Oh, terrific.
108
00:04:26,374 --> 00:04:27,415
Yeah. You've done
that joke before.
109
00:04:27,993 --> 00:04:31,436
Well, when you see Elton John
you want him to play Rocket Man.
110
00:04:31,588 --> 00:04:34,164
Uh, Frank? Shred?
Did anything happen recently
111
00:04:34,166 --> 00:04:36,424
that maybe I should be brought
up to speed on?
112
00:04:36,502 --> 00:04:37,425
Which category?
113
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:40,020
Routine checks or events
that were hilarious
114
00:04:40,022 --> 00:04:42,188
and humbled a person
who richly deserved it?
115
00:04:42,190 --> 00:04:45,358
Templeton filed a formal
complaint so now HR is involved.
116
00:04:45,435 --> 00:04:49,288
Oh no... not the department you
want as the arbiter of humor.
117
00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:51,123
You know who's sneaky funny?
118
00:04:51,199 --> 00:04:52,365
Payroll.
119
00:04:52,701 --> 00:04:54,701
Look, Emily, we're really sorry
you got dragged into this.
120
00:04:54,778 --> 00:04:57,278
This is one of those rare
occasions where our joy
121
00:04:57,356 --> 00:04:59,298
is worth the suffering
it causes others.
122
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:02,025
Well, I'm gonna be on the phone
for the next five hours
123
00:05:02,027 --> 00:05:03,043
getting you guys out of trouble.
124
00:05:03,119 --> 00:05:04,711
So, I'm not demanding it,
125
00:05:04,713 --> 00:05:06,954
but a large smoothie from the
place that I like on the corner
126
00:05:06,956 --> 00:05:08,381
would be a really
thoughtful surprise.
127
00:05:08,383 --> 00:05:09,474
Oh... absolutely Emily.
128
00:05:09,868 --> 00:05:12,552
In fact, I'm gonna get smoothies
for the entire office,
129
00:05:12,629 --> 00:05:13,795
including you, Dolores.
130
00:05:13,872 --> 00:05:14,888
Just a gentle reminder,
131
00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:17,374
those cups need to be rinsed
before they're recycled.
132
00:05:17,376 --> 00:05:18,375
You bet.
133
00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,134
Along with the 400 straws
I'm bringing you.
134
00:05:23,215 --> 00:05:24,898
Again, so sorry.
135
00:05:24,900 --> 00:05:27,993
No, absolutely Captain,
I hear you loud and clear.
136
00:05:28,070 --> 00:05:29,995
I added the papaya
extract boost.
137
00:05:30,072 --> 00:05:30,996
Thank you.
138
00:05:31,073 --> 00:05:31,905
It's an antioxidant.
139
00:05:32,148 --> 00:05:33,723
I figured with all
the truck exhaust
140
00:05:33,742 --> 00:05:34,833
and environmental toxins...
141
00:05:34,910 --> 00:05:35,892
You know
I read about that.
142
00:05:36,152 --> 00:05:37,652
Do you know what else
is supposed to be...
143
00:05:37,729 --> 00:05:39,320
No, absolutely.
I agree.
144
00:05:39,322 --> 00:05:42,415
It's a very, very
serious incident.
145
00:05:42,492 --> 00:05:44,901
...is pomegranate extract.
146
00:05:44,903 --> 00:05:46,403
I've been taking it,
like, before breakfast
147
00:05:46,405 --> 00:05:48,996
and I feel like I notice
a difference in my skin.
148
00:05:49,074 --> 00:05:49,698
Yeah. You got a glow.
149
00:05:49,700 --> 00:05:50,590
Really?
150
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:51,774
What are you doing
for sun protection?
151
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:54,168
Like, SPF 50
and, like, a big floppy hat...
152
00:05:54,246 --> 00:05:55,854
No... exactly, Captain.
153
00:05:55,931 --> 00:05:59,674
No, I... I spoke to the officers
and it won't happen again.
154
00:05:59,751 --> 00:06:01,267
Okay.
Super triple promise.
155
00:06:01,344 --> 00:06:03,028
I'm leaving now.
Sorry.
156
00:06:03,179 --> 00:06:04,921
Oh wait!
I forgot.
157
00:06:04,923 --> 00:06:06,865
I got you this morning
glory muffin.
158
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:07,849
Crazy amount of fiber.
159
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:08,775
Not that you need it.
160
00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:11,036
You don't come off
as constipated at all.
161
00:06:12,355 --> 00:06:14,355
You know I'm not a fan
of Templeton but come on,
162
00:06:14,433 --> 00:06:15,782
you went too far.
163
00:06:15,859 --> 00:06:18,210
Since at least the bronze age,
pranks have been employed
164
00:06:18,286 --> 00:06:21,195
as a necessary form of
workplace justice.
165
00:06:21,273 --> 00:06:22,956
Look... I don't like
to get grandiose.
166
00:06:23,032 --> 00:06:24,124
Oh, you love to get grandiose.
167
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:25,533
That's true, I am pretty good
at it.
168
00:06:25,611 --> 00:06:27,293
But if jerks like Templeton
go left unchecked,
169
00:06:27,370 --> 00:06:28,887
they become Vladimir Putin.
170
00:06:28,964 --> 00:06:31,281
So sometimes the children
of light
171
00:06:31,283 --> 00:06:33,541
have to employ the methods
of the children of darkness.
172
00:06:33,543 --> 00:06:34,300
What?
173
00:06:34,544 --> 00:06:36,544
A simple thank you
is all I ask.
174
00:06:36,622 --> 00:06:38,271
And now... good day.
175
00:06:40,401 --> 00:06:41,525
Ugh.
176
00:06:42,218 --> 00:06:44,051
He's insufferable!
177
00:06:44,129 --> 00:06:47,072
That dude deserves some
serious karmic payback.
178
00:06:47,149 --> 00:06:48,990
I don't really believe
in karma.
179
00:06:50,652 --> 00:06:53,495
Too many bad things happen to
me when I don't have it coming.
180
00:06:56,975 --> 00:06:59,233
♪
181
00:07:01,146 --> 00:07:02,570
I found this in
the recycling bin.
182
00:07:02,648 --> 00:07:03,329
It's Frank's.
183
00:07:03,406 --> 00:07:05,257
Okay, you don't know that.
184
00:07:05,333 --> 00:07:07,150
It's a size 14 and
it reeks of arrogance.
185
00:07:07,152 --> 00:07:09,169
Can you just give me a sec?
186
00:07:09,245 --> 00:07:10,804
What's with the pictures
of Shred?
187
00:07:11,490 --> 00:07:12,431
Uh, no... nothing.
188
00:07:12,824 --> 00:07:15,100
I was... I was doing some,
uh, paperwork and I...
189
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,250
"Shred Taylor penis"?
190
00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:18,103
No! No, no, no.
That's not... no.
191
00:07:18,180 --> 00:07:19,771
Why were you Googling that?
192
00:07:19,848 --> 00:07:21,088
No, I... I wasn't.
193
00:07:21,667 --> 00:07:23,667
Well, I was looking up
Shred because of,
194
00:07:23,669 --> 00:07:25,852
like, professional, totally
above-board reasons...
195
00:07:25,929 --> 00:07:28,095
um... and I think I just,
I clicked the wrong button.
196
00:07:28,173 --> 00:07:30,190
Do you have a thing for him?
197
00:07:30,266 --> 00:07:31,024
No.
198
00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:33,677
No! No.
He's my employee.
199
00:07:33,679 --> 00:07:35,287
And he has a girlfriend.
200
00:07:35,363 --> 00:07:38,198
And regardless of that
it's... no.
201
00:07:38,274 --> 00:07:41,084
His penis is frozen?
202
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,037
Yeah. Yeah.
203
00:07:44,113 --> 00:07:47,190
Is or was, I don't know.
It's unclear.
204
00:07:47,192 --> 00:07:48,525
How did you even find that?
205
00:07:48,527 --> 00:07:49,784
It's the third thing
that pops up. Okay?
206
00:07:49,861 --> 00:07:52,137
It was "Shred Taylor."
"Shred Taylor Half-pipe."
207
00:07:52,214 --> 00:07:53,955
"Shred Taylor Frozen Penis."
208
00:07:54,032 --> 00:07:54,973
You totally have a thing
for him.
209
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,123
No!
210
00:07:56,201 --> 00:07:58,034
We've just been carpooling
a lot and...
211
00:07:58,036 --> 00:07:59,293
and we like the same
cheesy music,
212
00:07:59,371 --> 00:08:02,129
and I would never act on it,
but, like... yeah.
213
00:08:02,131 --> 00:08:03,148
I looked him up
and it turns out,
214
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:04,983
when he was injured
on the slopes,
215
00:08:05,060 --> 00:08:08,320
his, um... extremities
were impacted by the cold.
216
00:08:08,396 --> 00:08:11,064
It's, like, a real-life
condition that affects Sherpas
217
00:08:11,140 --> 00:08:14,976
and ice fisherman
and snowboarders.
218
00:08:15,053 --> 00:08:15,577
Well...
219
00:08:16,479 --> 00:08:17,329
Well what?
220
00:08:18,073 --> 00:08:18,813
Does it work?
221
00:08:18,890 --> 00:08:20,056
Okay. Dolores...
222
00:08:20,058 --> 00:08:22,225
None of the articles
say anything about that
223
00:08:22,227 --> 00:08:24,744
which is crazy 'cause it's
all anyone wants to know.
224
00:08:24,821 --> 00:08:27,154
It's probably fine but you
should stop researching it,
225
00:08:27,232 --> 00:08:28,748
it's just gonna make
your crush worse.
226
00:08:28,750 --> 00:08:29,749
I don't want it to be fine.
227
00:08:30,085 --> 00:08:31,993
That's the whole thing,
if it's... if it's broken
228
00:08:31,995 --> 00:08:33,086
or if it's, like,
at a weird angle,
229
00:08:33,162 --> 00:08:34,370
or if it's just, like,
straight-up gone
230
00:08:34,372 --> 00:08:36,740
then I can just let this go.
231
00:08:38,167 --> 00:08:40,744
I'll go get my laptop.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
232
00:08:40,746 --> 00:08:44,147
- This is gonna be so much fun!
- -Oh, boy.
233
00:08:46,935 --> 00:08:48,527
Oh crap, it's still on.
234
00:08:48,603 --> 00:08:49,486
What?
235
00:08:50,272 --> 00:08:51,512
Maya hired a photographer
236
00:08:51,590 --> 00:08:53,256
to shoot our Christmas
card tonight.
237
00:08:53,258 --> 00:08:54,440
And I've got boobs.
238
00:08:54,517 --> 00:08:55,867
Oh, no you don't.
239
00:08:55,944 --> 00:08:57,427
I was gonna lose 10 pounds
before the shoot.
240
00:08:57,429 --> 00:08:59,596
But then you know what happened?
I didn't.
241
00:08:59,598 --> 00:09:03,190
She got matching white satin
shirts for the whole family.
242
00:09:03,192 --> 00:09:04,934
White satin, Victoria.
243
00:09:04,936 --> 00:09:06,770
Your wife's insane.
Postpone it.
244
00:09:06,772 --> 00:09:08,880
I think it's weird to be doing
it this early anyway.
245
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,957
It's a competition thing
with her sister.
246
00:09:11,034 --> 00:09:12,275
And we're never gonna win.
247
00:09:12,277 --> 00:09:13,960
They're a much more
attractive family.
248
00:09:14,037 --> 00:09:15,278
Oh yeah, you showed me
a photo.
249
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:16,054
They're gorgeous.
250
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:16,613
Hey!
251
00:09:18,283 --> 00:09:20,892
Anyone wanna volunteer for
my vaccination clinic Saturday?
252
00:09:20,969 --> 00:09:22,952
- Oh, I would love that.
- Yeah, I would love to.
253
00:09:22,954 --> 00:09:24,137
-That sounds great!
-Yes! Absolutely.
254
00:09:24,213 --> 00:09:25,230
Great, thanks.
255
00:09:25,624 --> 00:09:27,732
My post-doc resident, Serge,
will be covering for me.
256
00:09:27,809 --> 00:09:30,126
- Ooh...
- Did you say this Saturday?
257
00:09:30,128 --> 00:09:32,070
Ooh, I've got a kid's soccer
game actually.
258
00:09:32,147 --> 00:09:33,446
Actually, I'm free.
259
00:09:34,149 --> 00:09:34,573
Really?
260
00:09:34,724 --> 00:09:35,815
Yeah. Totally.
261
00:09:35,892 --> 00:09:37,033
You're my hero.
262
00:09:38,820 --> 00:09:39,819
You know what,
I can do it.
263
00:09:40,155 --> 00:09:42,322
I have experience.
I can move some stuff around.
264
00:09:42,398 --> 00:09:43,473
Now you're my hero.
265
00:09:43,475 --> 00:09:46,251
No. It's about the dogs,
not about me.
266
00:09:46,328 --> 00:09:47,401
Aww.
267
00:09:48,647 --> 00:09:49,813
You bought that?
268
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,482
You just gave up your Saturday
and you still have no shot.
269
00:09:52,484 --> 00:09:55,242
I'm sorry. Did you get an "aww"
from the Hot Vet?
270
00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:57,095
Are you her hero?
271
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:58,746
Oh, and Frank...
272
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:01,491
I heard what you did
to Templeton,
273
00:10:01,493 --> 00:10:03,602
and I shouldn't admit this,
but hilarious.
274
00:10:04,679 --> 00:10:05,495
Thanks.
275
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:10,667
You know, it's rare when a hero
is also so funny.
276
00:10:10,669 --> 00:10:11,684
Am I right?
277
00:10:12,261 --> 00:10:13,519
I don't think it was
that funny.
278
00:10:14,673 --> 00:10:16,448
Oh, shoot.
False alarm.
279
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:18,950
You got me.
280
00:10:19,527 --> 00:10:21,453
I can't stop thinking
about that kid.
281
00:10:22,197 --> 00:10:23,179
What kid?
282
00:10:23,181 --> 00:10:24,347
The kid that's gonna
come home,
283
00:10:24,532 --> 00:10:27,216
find his favorite stuffed animal
blown to smithereens,
284
00:10:27,218 --> 00:10:29,369
lying headless in the driveway.
285
00:10:29,445 --> 00:10:30,111
That kid.
286
00:10:30,279 --> 00:10:31,354
Look... I'm in a good mood.
287
00:10:31,356 --> 00:10:33,022
Why are you trying
to bring me down?
288
00:10:33,024 --> 00:10:34,633
It's just... maybe we should try
to replace it.
289
00:10:34,709 --> 00:10:35,692
Okay. What the hell?
290
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,193
After lunch we'll stop by
a toy store.
291
00:10:37,195 --> 00:10:38,803
-Nice.
-You happy?
292
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:39,804
-Yes.
-Alright.
293
00:10:41,124 --> 00:10:43,457
Whoa. This day just keeps
getting better.
294
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,459
You have her under "Hot Vet"?
295
00:10:45,461 --> 00:10:46,961
Yeah, I can't believe
she's texting me.
296
00:10:47,038 --> 00:10:48,888
Okay, I gotta... I gotta focus.
297
00:10:54,637 --> 00:10:55,378
What are you gonna say?
298
00:10:55,380 --> 00:10:56,303
I don't know.
299
00:10:56,564 --> 00:10:58,365
I wanna engage
without coming on too strong.
300
00:11:02,237 --> 00:11:04,387
Okay. Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
301
00:11:04,389 --> 00:11:08,041
What do you think of this?
302
00:11:10,228 --> 00:11:11,244
You nailed it.
303
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:12,412
Send.
304
00:11:13,581 --> 00:11:16,157
Ha, ha! Bingo!
305
00:11:16,234 --> 00:11:17,583
He's on the hook.
306
00:11:17,660 --> 00:11:18,584
What'd he say?
307
00:11:18,586 --> 00:11:19,736
Just "hey".
308
00:11:19,996 --> 00:11:21,346
He's trying to play it down
like it's no big deal
309
00:11:21,423 --> 00:11:23,848
but I know that he's as giddy
as a little school girl.
310
00:11:23,925 --> 00:11:24,908
What are we gonna text him?
311
00:11:25,168 --> 00:11:27,519
No, nothing yet.
I'm gonna make him sweat.
312
00:11:27,595 --> 00:11:28,411
But thank you.
313
00:11:28,413 --> 00:11:29,245
Yes.
314
00:11:29,431 --> 00:11:31,172
...By the way.
This was a genius idea.
315
00:11:31,249 --> 00:11:32,248
My wife does it all the time.
316
00:11:32,250 --> 00:11:33,750
I'll leave my phone somewhere
317
00:11:33,752 --> 00:11:34,675
and when she calls me,
318
00:11:34,936 --> 00:11:36,528
her name comes up as
"suburban sex goddess"
319
00:11:36,604 --> 00:11:37,603
or "spicy mama".
320
00:11:38,940 --> 00:11:39,923
Or "need almond milk".
321
00:11:40,183 --> 00:11:41,015
That one's just when she needs
almond milk.
322
00:11:41,092 --> 00:11:42,349
-No, I... I got that.
-Yeah.
323
00:11:42,427 --> 00:11:43,201
Anything?
324
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,245
Nothing. Total silence.
325
00:11:46,932 --> 00:11:48,097
Three dots and a bubble,
here we go!
326
00:11:48,099 --> 00:11:50,208
So, she's crafting
her words carefully.
327
00:11:50,285 --> 00:11:52,268
-Oh, hell yeah.
-Come on.
328
00:11:52,270 --> 00:11:55,939
Okay, how does this sound?
My thing got cancelled.
329
00:11:55,941 --> 00:11:58,365
"...so, you'll be stuck with me
all day Saturday."
330
00:11:58,443 --> 00:11:59,384
Yes!
331
00:11:59,778 --> 00:12:01,110
Dude, have some champagne
chilled in the truck,
332
00:12:01,129 --> 00:12:02,203
just in case.
333
00:12:02,464 --> 00:12:04,556
Right? It does feel officially
safe to get cocky.
334
00:12:04,632 --> 00:12:05,949
Yes.
335
00:12:13,382 --> 00:12:14,474
Okay, there's gotta
be something.
336
00:12:14,550 --> 00:12:15,475
Do you have anything?
337
00:12:15,810 --> 00:12:17,810
Zero. And some of the websites
I stumbled onto
338
00:12:17,887 --> 00:12:18,962
were not what I was thinking
339
00:12:19,297 --> 00:12:20,964
and I'm scared there's gonna be
a knock on my door.
340
00:12:21,390 --> 00:12:22,240
Okay, this is maddening.
341
00:12:22,634 --> 00:12:24,892
I cannot be the only person
in the universe
342
00:12:24,970 --> 00:12:27,320
who wants to know the condition
of Shred Taylor's penis.
343
00:12:27,396 --> 00:12:31,040
Alright. I'm gonna use Patel's
computer and hit the dark web.
344
00:12:34,070 --> 00:12:35,402
None of these are big enough.
345
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:38,405
Okay. She just said, "is it
weird I'm texting you?
346
00:12:38,483 --> 00:12:40,425
"You know, since
we're coworkers".
347
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:41,909
Well, that's a good point,
you know,
348
00:12:41,987 --> 00:12:43,169
'cause it could get awkward.
349
00:12:43,246 --> 00:12:45,079
Are you sure you wanna
take it there?
350
00:12:45,156 --> 00:12:46,097
I would take a lifetime
of awkward
351
00:12:46,174 --> 00:12:48,157
just to spend one night
with her.
352
00:12:48,159 --> 00:12:49,250
So, what do you think of this?
353
00:12:50,495 --> 00:12:52,086
Maybe a little.
354
00:12:52,163 --> 00:12:54,330
No. Don't say that.
You're gonna get in her head.
355
00:12:54,332 --> 00:12:55,348
Exactly. Keep her off balance.
356
00:12:55,424 --> 00:12:56,349
Why would you wanna do that?
357
00:12:56,610 --> 00:12:58,184
This is a game of chess,
it's a battle of wits.
358
00:12:58,261 --> 00:13:00,019
No, it's more like a dance.
359
00:13:00,021 --> 00:13:00,945
And I'm not saying that
360
00:13:01,264 --> 00:13:03,189
just 'cause I don't know how
to play chess.
361
00:13:03,266 --> 00:13:06,284
Hold her hand.
See where the music takes you.
362
00:13:06,361 --> 00:13:08,119
I haven't been on a date
in five months
363
00:13:08,196 --> 00:13:10,179
so I'm not letting you get
in my head.
364
00:13:10,181 --> 00:13:12,123
I'm sticking with chess.
I'm sending it.
365
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,108
Fine.
366
00:13:14,185 --> 00:13:15,109
But we're wasting our time.
367
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,128
I know where to get a giant
stuffed animal.
368
00:13:17,205 --> 00:13:19,297
Wait. They have really good
puzzles here.
369
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,208
"Maybe a little."
370
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:24,344
What a jerk.
Who even says that?
371
00:13:25,046 --> 00:13:26,287
Are you listening to me?
372
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,307
I'm spinning out about
this damn Christmas card.
373
00:13:29,384 --> 00:13:31,643
I'm gonna be on refrigerators
all over Seattle.
374
00:13:31,719 --> 00:13:33,703
A diet inspiration for pudgy,
middle-aged men.
375
00:13:33,705 --> 00:13:35,629
I just find it hilarious
that mister slobbering
376
00:13:35,707 --> 00:13:38,966
all over himself is suddenly
mister self-control.
377
00:13:39,044 --> 00:13:40,151
He takes, like, 10 minutes
378
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,211
to craft each of his
three-word replies.
379
00:13:42,213 --> 00:13:44,230
I'm gonna be a white satin
man boob reminder
380
00:13:44,307 --> 00:13:45,306
to put down the ice cream.
381
00:13:45,808 --> 00:13:48,217
I wanna help my community, yeah,
but not like that.
382
00:13:48,219 --> 00:13:50,444
I'm gonna tell him I had a dream
about him last night.
383
00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,905
No, that's mean.
Don't do that.
384
00:13:52,907 --> 00:13:54,189
Too mean or good mean?
385
00:13:54,742 --> 00:13:55,575
You know what I think?
386
00:13:55,577 --> 00:13:56,817
What do you think?
387
00:13:57,153 --> 00:13:58,728
I don't think you're getting
off on the cruelty of the prank,
388
00:13:58,730 --> 00:14:00,505
I think you're just getting off.
389
00:14:00,582 --> 00:14:01,581
What?
390
00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:04,067
Yeah. I think you
like the flirtation.
391
00:14:04,069 --> 00:14:04,825
I think you like him.
392
00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:05,751
Frank? That's crazy.
393
00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:07,904
Okay, then why...
why are you blushing?
394
00:14:07,906 --> 00:14:08,996
I'm not blushing.
395
00:14:09,257 --> 00:14:11,182
I'm emotionally tormenting
someone because it's fun.
396
00:14:11,259 --> 00:14:12,166
Mmhmm.
397
00:14:12,427 --> 00:14:14,260
I've got my flaws
and I'm fine with it.
398
00:14:14,337 --> 00:14:15,261
At least your flaws
are on the inside.
399
00:14:15,597 --> 00:14:16,579
Right?
400
00:14:16,915 --> 00:14:17,914
Truck eight. Please respond.
401
00:14:18,083 --> 00:14:20,507
Kangaroo escaped from the Seattle Zoo.
402
00:14:20,585 --> 00:14:23,403
Zookeeper is requesting back-up. 101 East Webster.
403
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:25,846
Truck eight responding.
404
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,032
Okay. I'm gonna need you
to focus.
405
00:14:28,109 --> 00:14:29,868
Okay. I'm bringing out
the big guns.
406
00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:31,944
I'm gonna blow his horny
little mind.
407
00:14:34,933 --> 00:14:36,207
Come on... no service?
408
00:14:36,284 --> 00:14:38,359
What is it, the bumper cars
are interfering?
409
00:14:38,436 --> 00:14:40,953
Will you please knock these down
so we can get outta here.
410
00:14:41,030 --> 00:14:42,297
I'm trying, Frank.
411
00:14:44,943 --> 00:14:46,367
What is going on?
I thought you were an athlete.
412
00:14:46,369 --> 00:14:48,628
Yeah, in a leg-based sport.
This is, like, an arm sport.
413
00:14:48,630 --> 00:14:49,779
There's wrist stuff...
414
00:14:50,131 --> 00:14:51,514
I gotta get back
into cell service.
415
00:14:52,617 --> 00:14:53,725
See? It's not so easy.
416
00:14:53,801 --> 00:14:54,784
Excuse me. Sir?
417
00:14:55,044 --> 00:14:57,120
How much for that huge lion
on the top row?
418
00:14:57,122 --> 00:14:58,304
Prizes are not for sale.
419
00:14:58,381 --> 00:14:59,213
Look at that, Shred.
420
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:00,973
We found the one carny
with scruples.
421
00:15:01,050 --> 00:15:02,141
Can you believe it?
422
00:15:02,143 --> 00:15:03,067
We can... we can earn it.
423
00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:05,403
Okay.
Well, how about... now?
424
00:15:08,057 --> 00:15:10,133
That might get you something
from the second row.
425
00:15:10,135 --> 00:15:11,150
Like a little badger.
426
00:15:11,227 --> 00:15:12,151
But are you serious?
427
00:15:12,228 --> 00:15:14,245
We need the lion, Frank.
428
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,331
How much for something
from the top row?
429
00:15:17,066 --> 00:15:18,166
Three badgers.
430
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,160
There's a cash machine
by the funnel cakes.
431
00:15:21,237 --> 00:15:21,994
Two and a half badgers!
432
00:15:22,071 --> 00:15:23,162
This is extortion.
433
00:15:23,164 --> 00:15:25,298
This was a very
reasonable bribe.
434
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:26,983
Excuse me, guys, sorry.
435
00:15:27,168 --> 00:15:29,152
Excuse me, coming through guys.
Thank you.
436
00:15:29,504 --> 00:15:30,595
Officer Patel,
This is Officer Sands.
437
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:31,578
What's the situation?
438
00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:35,249
Jumping Jack.
Second time he's escaped.
439
00:15:35,326 --> 00:15:36,935
Anyway, we got him trapped.
440
00:15:36,937 --> 00:15:37,677
What do you need from us?
441
00:15:37,753 --> 00:15:38,828
Not much.
442
00:15:39,088 --> 00:15:41,088
Just stay here and help keep
away the looky-loos.
443
00:15:41,090 --> 00:15:42,014
-Hmm.
-'Kay.
444
00:15:42,091 --> 00:15:43,257
Alright, Jack.
445
00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:45,092
Don't you need, like, a net
or something?
446
00:15:45,094 --> 00:15:46,986
No, just grab him
by the tail.
447
00:15:47,355 --> 00:15:48,112
Sure.
448
00:15:48,431 --> 00:15:50,506
Alright, Jack.
Vacation's over, buddy.
449
00:15:50,508 --> 00:15:51,765
Okay. Whoa!
450
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,025
Um...
451
00:15:53,102 --> 00:15:54,101
What... what should we do?
452
00:15:54,362 --> 00:15:57,863
Stand your ground.
We'll sneak up from behind.
453
00:15:57,940 --> 00:15:59,773
Ooh... hey mate.
454
00:15:59,851 --> 00:16:00,441
Just like this?
455
00:16:00,535 --> 00:16:02,460
G'day. Hello.
456
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:04,420
What's he doing?
457
00:16:06,524 --> 00:16:09,616
Don't mess with me, kangaroo.
I boxed Golden Gloves.
458
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:11,861
He's got a crazy look
in his eye.
459
00:16:11,863 --> 00:16:12,545
Keep him engaged.
460
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:15,047
Roger. I'll amp up
the trash talk.
461
00:16:15,049 --> 00:16:16,975
What do you weigh, 140?
Huh?
462
00:16:17,051 --> 00:16:18,292
Welterweight's got nothing
on me, Jack.
463
00:16:18,369 --> 00:16:19,310
I'm 160.
464
00:16:19,704 --> 00:16:22,480
Wouldn't telling him
your real weight be scarier?
465
00:16:22,557 --> 00:16:24,965
Don't press on my insecurities!
466
00:16:24,967 --> 00:16:26,317
He doesn't seem afraid of you.
467
00:16:26,394 --> 00:16:29,303
Oh yeah?
You ready to go? Huh?
468
00:16:29,305 --> 00:16:30,488
'Cause I'm ready to go.
469
00:16:31,549 --> 00:16:32,473
Oh!
470
00:16:32,475 --> 00:16:35,735
That's gotta hurt, yeah.
You okay?
471
00:16:36,571 --> 00:16:38,663
Keep it up,
just a little longer.
472
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:39,646
Is that all you got?
473
00:16:43,152 --> 00:16:45,503
Oh, mate. Ow, yeah.
Down you go.
474
00:16:46,231 --> 00:16:48,231
Okay. We got him!
475
00:16:48,233 --> 00:16:50,091
-Good work, officer.
-See ya, mate.
476
00:16:50,918 --> 00:16:51,592
See ya.
477
00:16:53,496 --> 00:16:56,330
How you doing down there?
Yeah? You a bit winded?
478
00:16:56,332 --> 00:16:58,099
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
479
00:16:59,335 --> 00:17:01,001
Oh! Finally, a signal.
Three bars.
480
00:17:02,430 --> 00:17:04,930
She... she wants me
to come over tonight
481
00:17:05,007 --> 00:17:07,433
for a quote unquote drink.
482
00:17:07,510 --> 00:17:10,936
Holy moly!
The Hot Vet and me!
483
00:17:11,013 --> 00:17:13,114
Knight to queen four!
484
00:17:14,108 --> 00:17:16,159
-What?
-It's chess!
485
00:17:23,434 --> 00:17:25,359
I can't believe I got my
ass kicked by a kangaroo.
486
00:17:25,436 --> 00:17:26,026
Hmm.
487
00:17:27,196 --> 00:17:29,047
Ooh! Mrs. Claus is texting you.
488
00:17:29,123 --> 00:17:31,090
Crap. I forgot about
the photo shoot.
489
00:17:33,202 --> 00:17:36,279
Which I no longer have to do.
490
00:17:36,281 --> 00:17:37,446
Maya's not gonna want
a Christmas card
491
00:17:37,448 --> 00:17:39,432
with this hideous face on it.
492
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:45,379
Everything's coming up Patel.
493
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:12,239
Uh... by any chance
494
00:18:12,317 --> 00:18:15,000
are you someone we work
with's roommate?
495
00:18:15,077 --> 00:18:16,260
The Hot Vet just doesn't seem
like the type
496
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,487
to do something like this.
497
00:18:18,489 --> 00:18:20,431
Collette, Frank.
Her name is Collette.
498
00:18:20,508 --> 00:18:23,342
Collette the vet?
That's unfortunate.
499
00:18:23,419 --> 00:18:25,436
This is ridiculous.
I'm just gonna call her.
500
00:18:28,666 --> 00:18:30,066
Yes.
501
00:18:31,669 --> 00:18:32,610
Hello.
502
00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:34,928
Victoria? What are you doing
with Hot Vet's phone?
503
00:18:35,006 --> 00:18:37,031
You tell me.
You're the expert on pranks.
504
00:18:38,176 --> 00:18:39,117
Oh, my God, it was you?
505
00:18:39,193 --> 00:18:41,344
Sometimes the children
of the light
506
00:18:41,346 --> 00:18:44,622
need to use the methods
of the children of darkness.
507
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:45,865
The whole time?
508
00:18:45,867 --> 00:18:46,940
How does it feel?
509
00:18:47,018 --> 00:18:48,517
Bad. It feels
really bad.
510
00:18:48,519 --> 00:18:49,443
Yeah.
511
00:18:49,778 --> 00:18:50,444
But I gotta say,
I'm a little impressed.
512
00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:53,464
If I were wearing a cap,
I would tip it to you.
513
00:18:53,541 --> 00:18:56,859
Oh, I would love that.
But did you learn anything?
514
00:18:56,861 --> 00:18:59,286
Yes. That I can dish it out
but I absolutely can't take it.
515
00:18:59,364 --> 00:19:00,972
So, will you stop pranking
people so much?
516
00:19:01,048 --> 00:19:02,214
No.
517
00:19:02,625 --> 00:19:04,458
But I will be more vigilant
about not getting gotten myself.
518
00:19:04,460 --> 00:19:08,128
And, I don't know when,
it may take years...
519
00:19:08,206 --> 00:19:09,296
but I will retaliate.
520
00:19:09,374 --> 00:19:09,981
Can't wait.
521
00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:11,315
Goodnight Victoria.
522
00:19:13,211 --> 00:19:14,377
Sucka lucka.
523
00:19:14,712 --> 00:19:15,636
I'm sorry, Delores,
524
00:19:15,897 --> 00:19:19,473
that you became a pawn
in Victoria's sick game.
525
00:19:19,475 --> 00:19:21,617
Leave the bottle of wine
and we'll call it even.
526
00:19:22,645 --> 00:19:23,719
I don't know.
527
00:19:23,979 --> 00:19:26,164
I had high hopes for this
evening and I splurged.
528
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,040
Okay, what about one glass?
529
00:19:29,227 --> 00:19:30,459
That seems fair.
530
00:19:32,488 --> 00:19:33,487
I gotta say,
531
00:19:33,748 --> 00:19:38,050
you are being very
not horrible about all this.
532
00:19:39,328 --> 00:19:41,237
Hey, can I ask you something?
533
00:19:41,239 --> 00:19:44,089
Has Shred ever mentioned
an unusual sports injury?
534
00:19:44,166 --> 00:19:45,183
Oh, you read about
the frozen penis thing
535
00:19:45,259 --> 00:19:46,258
and wanna know if
it still works?
536
00:19:46,335 --> 00:19:47,243
There's been some discussion.
537
00:19:47,503 --> 00:19:51,856
Oh, I've asked him.
And it's... a-okay.
538
00:19:51,933 --> 00:19:53,724
And I've seen it.
In the restroom.
539
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:57,320
It's, and I don't know
how else to describe it...
540
00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,031
Gorgeous. It's pristine.
541
00:20:00,107 --> 00:20:01,273
Like a renaissance artist
sculpted it
542
00:20:01,609 --> 00:20:04,276
and then killed himself 'cause
he could do no finer work.
543
00:20:04,353 --> 00:20:06,429
God, that guy just glides
through life.
544
00:20:06,431 --> 00:20:08,289
The universe is truly garbage.
545
00:20:10,435 --> 00:20:12,859
Would it be unpleasant if I
joined you for a glass?
546
00:20:12,937 --> 00:20:14,545
It would not be unpleasant.
547
00:20:15,289 --> 00:20:17,289
As long as you properly recycle
that bottle.
548
00:20:17,866 --> 00:20:19,383
Did you just make a joke?
549
00:20:20,628 --> 00:20:21,427
Maybe.
550
00:20:23,297 --> 00:20:25,056
I hope the kid likes it.
551
00:20:25,132 --> 00:20:26,891
This is really nice of you.
552
00:20:26,968 --> 00:20:28,951
No... it's not
that big a deal.
553
00:20:28,953 --> 00:20:30,144
Oh.
554
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:34,565
No...
555
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:36,083
Okay buddy.
556
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:37,276
Are you kidding?
557
00:20:39,964 --> 00:20:41,221
You ready to go?
You alright?
558
00:20:41,299 --> 00:20:43,407
-Yeah, oh yeah.
-Okay.
559
00:20:44,986 --> 00:20:46,652
-Whoa!
-What?
560
00:20:46,654 --> 00:20:48,037
Down the street.
561
00:20:50,641 --> 00:20:51,499
Wow.
562
00:20:54,328 --> 00:20:58,071
Frank was right.
It is majestic.
563
00:20:58,073 --> 00:21:00,383
It's beautiful.
564
00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:03,335
Um... but also super dangerous
565
00:21:03,412 --> 00:21:06,322
so maybe we should get back
in the car and report it.
566
00:21:06,324 --> 00:21:08,081
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
567
00:21:08,159 --> 00:21:09,976
-We should be fast.
-Oh, my God.
568
00:21:11,012 --> 00:21:12,252
To all units...
569
00:21:12,663 --> 00:21:16,332
two off-duty officers report a cougar at 425 Knoll Drive.
570
00:21:16,334 --> 00:21:18,000
Officer Dutch responding.
571
00:21:18,002 --> 00:21:20,278
I am instructing
the reporting officers
572
00:21:20,354 --> 00:21:22,780
to take their fake cougar
and shove it up their-
573
00:21:25,359 --> 00:21:26,325
Over.
574
00:21:30,348 --> 00:21:31,680
No one can know about this.
575
00:21:31,682 --> 00:21:33,273
Obviously.
576
00:21:33,351 --> 00:21:35,684
This was like a one...
one-and-a-half time thing.
577
00:21:35,686 --> 00:21:37,253
Obviously.
45801
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