Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

[? THE DOOBIE BROTHERS: "What A Fool Believes"]

- Is George's wife called "Fig"? - Yeah.

"Fig"? What's her real name?

Well, I genuinely can't remember.

What was your nickname again?

"Mongo"? "Rumpy"?

I'm ashamed to say... it was "Skippy".

Ew...

I was kind of seen as the...

[Clears throat] captain of the party.

Oh, God!

? ...wanted to say ?

? Only to realise ?

? It never really was ?

? She had a place in his life... ?

Look, I feel like I should say they're really not...

- stereotypical posh people. - Really?

They're cool, I promise.

And that's coming from "the captain of the party".

- Oh, God! - [Phone beeps]

Text... from Claire.

Oh! Thank you.

- [Phone beeps] - [Group] 'Mate!'

[Man] 'Welcome back, you fuckin' legend!'

[Group cheering, shouting indistinctly]

For fuck's sake!

Who else is gonna be there?

Uh... yes. Just the old gang.

So... Archie, Fig, and George.

And Claire.

Yeah! And Claire.

What?

? ...seems to be ?

? Is always better than nothing ?

? And nothing at all ?

? Keeps sending him somewhere back in her long ago... ?

[Urinating]

[Animal noises]

[Whining]

Hey, mate.

You all right?

[Whining continues]

- [Man screams] - Fuck!

- Stop fucking... - Sorry, mate.

Sorry, mate. Sorry.

Come here!

Come back, you cunt!

Come back!

Fuck, fuck, fuck...

Fuck, fuck, fuck... Fuck!

What the fuck?

Hello. Excuse me, sorry...

Um, I don't suppose you know

where Cleeve Hill Manor is, do you?

I do, yeah.

Could... Sorry, and could you tell me where it is?

I can, yeah.

[Chuckles]

[Laughs] Good one, you got me.

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

So, why d'you need to know? Lost?

- Yes. - Thought as much.

Yeah.

The old sat nav let you down, then, eh?

- Surprise, surprise. - Yeah.

- Long journey? - Yah.

Um...

sort of late for my own party, actually. It's my birthday.

Yeah, you need to loop back round, through the red gate,

bear left till you hit The Lamb Pub,

then straight shot through Dawny, and it's on your left.

Big iron-fronted thing.

Yes, I remember. Thank you very much.

Might come join you later!

[Laughs] Yeah, well, I'll tell the others know!

- Cheers again. Thanks. - Laters!

[Pete] Oi-oi!

It's party time!

The skipper is here!

Wooh, wooh!

Guys?

Guys?

[Yawns]

[Phone beeping]

[TV, indistinct]

[Snoring]

[Indistinct chattering, laughing]

Back in a sec, mate!

All right?

Hope you guys have been having a nice time?

What the fuck?

- Yeah, my thoughts exactly. - Pete...

What are you doing here?

- Fuck off, Archie. - No seriously, mate.

Oh, no!

George's invite...

- This is awful. - What?

That was a joke, mate.

No, seriously, I mean,

why would George want somebody else's birthday at his house?

[Laughs]

Jokes, mate!

- Stop it! - Oh, my God! Here he is!

Oh, hey!

- Hey, stranger! - Hi, Claire Bear.

Oh, my God, were you... were you waiting long?

No, no, just like... half an hour, hour and a half.

[Cheering]

So good to see that you got here in one piece!

You're looking trim, mate. You look amazing.

Thanks. Thank you, thank you, yeah, yeah. Well...

Yeah, I guess the Lebanese food is...

...fucking disgusting?

No, just a lot of fibre and pulses.

You have a bit of a beard as well.

Looks great.

You all right?

Yeah, fine, yeah.

Look, sorry, we thought you'd be ages

cos of the accident on the M5.

No. No, I just, uh...

got lost and couldn't get through to you guys.

Oh, shit. Well, we left you a note...

- Where? - Here you bell-end.

Where was that?

[Echoing voice] Found him!

[? Dramatic music]

[? Music over dialogue]

No, seriously, Harry... Harry, take it... Take it back!

All right, all right. I'll take it.

Arch, be careful.

Sorry, should probably introduce myself to the birthday boy.

- All right, mate? - Leader of the pack, huh?

I heard a lot about you.

Apparently, one of the funniest guys on the planet.

[Huffs] Uh...

Oh, come here, you big fanny!

Birthday boy needs a hug... and a stripper.

- And that's me! - Oh...

Oh, yeah.

- Shh! - Oh!

[? Vocalises]

Hey!

Hey, what's that? Fuckin' hell!

Yeah, you gave me a boner.

What? You got an erection?

- It's just... just my phone. - He's got an erection!

None of that! I'm not here for that, mate.

- Go and help Archie, Harry. - I'm not here for that!

Stop molesting Pete, all right?

- Jeez! - Oh, my God!

- Who is that? - [Cheering]

[Fig] We found him down the pub.

He was challenging farmers to rap battles.

You'll love him, he is classic. A real local.

How is the portraiture, Claire? You, got any new commissions?

Uh... yeah! Yeah, it's fine.

What does that mean?

[Chuckles] I sometimes feel

that I don't really have anything to say as an artist.

You know, I'm just...

like, I'm just a stupid posh girl

painting portraits of other posh people.

You're being really hard on yourself.

I mean, I'd love to see any new stuff.

- Uh, rule number seven! - What's that?

- Oh... - Oh, it was "no talking shop".

Yeah! No, no, you really should drink for that, Pete.

Right, got it. Understood.

"Oonderstood..." [Chuckles] "Oonderstood!"

Mate, are you speaking in a northern accent?

What?

All night your accent's been northern.

[Laughing]

Is this part of your new 'edgy Pete'?

'Edgy Pete'? Sorry, guys,

am I speaking in a northern accent right now?

Shut up, Arch. Just down your drink, Pete.

You did break a rule.

- OK. - Drink it, mate!

Down it, down it, down it...

Down it! Down it! Down it...!

- Pressure! Whoo! - There's a lot... lot in there.

Yeah... Oh...

Oh, come on.

- What's that? - Gonna leave a bit in there.

Wow!

A really funny thing happened to me on the way up here.

Well, not really funny... quite funny.

- Yeah, when I was lost... - Arch, check this out!

...messing about on country roads,

I got a bit lost as you got from my texts...

[Whispering] Have a look.

...searching for that bloody red gate!

Oh, my God, it won!

[Laughs] This guy told me to put a bet on a horse, 84 to 1.

It's just come in fucking second!

I'm up five hundred quid!

Bloody hell! Why didn't you bet yourself?

Oh, I don't like to gamble. It's a dirty habit.

It's, like, figuring out the odds.

You know, I'm Devon's answer to Rain Man!

[Laughing]

Sorry, Pete, you was telling a story?

Oh, yeah. Uh...

Well, it was just about me on the way up here.

I was pretty f... I mean,

I was lost, basically, completely and utterly,

and I was forced to interact with this really strange man,

kind of a clich� spooky local type character. Um...

I wound down the window and said,

"Excuse me, do you know the way to Cleeve Hill Manor?",

to which he replied, "Yerp!"

- [Laughing] - But then didn't tell me.

Just silence.

So I said, "Well, could you tell me where it is, please?",

to which he replied, "Yerp, I can."

[Laughing]

So, I was just thinking, "Oh, God,

"please gimme a break here, dude.

"I feel like I'm in a bad horror film or something."

And then, as I drove off, he shouted, "See ya later",

and I just thought, "Jesus Christ, I really hope I don't."

- [All laughing] - Sorry, guys, this is Norman.

And Norman, this is Harry, Archie, Claire.

You know Fig, obviously.

- And this is Pete. - All right?

I've filled the ice machine in the cellar.

Thank you so much. What you drinking?

Nah, you're all right.

I'll leave you to your funny impressions.

No, that wasn't... That wasn't an impression of you.

Now he's lying as well.

Oh, I switched the heating on in the pool, too,

in case you wanted to brave it.

- Thanks, Norman. - Thank you so much.

See you, then.

- Happy birthday. - Oh, thanks.

Right.

You know what room you're staying in, Pete?

I didn't want to presume.

The Rose room. So, lovely double for you and Sonia.

Great.

But Harry is gonna be on the sofa bed for tonight,

is that cool?

Awesome.

[Exhales]

[? Whistling]

Long hot soak for your bones.

Nothing better.

Don't worry, I won't be long.

I'm mainly doing the upper lip.

Only place I can seem to grow it.

So, how do you know this lot, then?

Uh, we are friends from university.

They're a cracking lot.

Cracking.

Fun though, innit?

University?

No, being with your mates.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is.

How old are you lot?

Well, I'm thirty-one exactly.

Thirty-one, having fun.

How old do you think I am?

Um...

- Thirty-six? - Forty!

Forty years old.

Thick at the base,

goes into a point,

slightly strangulated in the middle.

- Excuse me? - Your cock!

Ha!

[Laughs] So it's true, then.

You are the shy one.

Fucking... what?

[Distant voices]

[Indistinct chattering]

[Cheering]

Fucking make an effort, mate.

- There he is... - Hey!

- Smells so good. - Got a drink?

- Um... I think I'm OK for now. - Mate, come on!

You're having a little wicky with me, mate.

OK.

- Hey. - Oh, yep. Thank you.

- Don't tell Pops. - Absolutely not. Cheers!

- Cheers! - Cheers, mate! Cheers!

Mm!

Dude, it is, um... It is so nice of you to do all this.

Weird thing to say. You're still one of my best mates, Pete.

Obviously!

No, I just... I don't know.

Yeah, these last few years have been so crazy,

and I feel bad I haven't been back more.

Pete, you were always gonna do something different.

Selfishly, I've missed you, but... this refugee shit -

I'm fucking proud of you. It sounds heavy.

Thanks, man, that means so much coming from you.

No, you're actually doing something good.

You know, making up for your past crimes.

What do you mean, "past crimes"?

Well, no, I mean, just being a reprobate.

Right. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I'm also doing it cos I'm passionate about it.

Yeah. Of course.

Oh, man, Harry...

- He is a character. - Yeah, he is ridiculous.

- Yeah. He's kind of... - Fucking funny.

Mm.

Yeah, it's weird, I, uh...

I almost feel, like... shy around him.

Why?

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know. It's weird.

I mean, you didn't tell him I was shy, did you?

What? No! We told him you were great.

Yeah. Forget it.

So, tell me about you and Sonia! All going well?

Oh, yes. Yeah, really well.

And actually, you're the first person, of course,

- that I'm telling this to... - Uh-oh.

...but I'm thinking of proposing.

We're to France in June,

and it just feels like the right time.

Oh, mate, that's awesome.

Yeah, well, I mean, assuming she says yes.

Ooh, yeah. God, that would be very awkward.

Maybe don't do it at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

It's a long walk down.

Yeah, oh, and maybe, you know, don't tell Claire.

Why?

Pete. Come on.

She's clearly still a bit in love with you.

She might not take it well.

Wow.

Yeah, of course.

Poor Claire.

Yeah, you should know, man, she, uh...

She tried to kill herself.

- What? - I mean...

She's always had a tendency to be sad, but I just guess...

she was sadder than we all saw, I suppose.

And when did she do it?

Uh... just before you left, I think.

Look, don't freak out.

OK? No, she's absolutely fine now.

Let's just keep the weekend light, yeah?

Come on! Hey, to you and Sonia!

[Bottles clinking]

Cocktails?

Yeah.

Do you guys remember Jess Sanderson?

- [All] Yes. - Fuck me, she was so fit.

You were obsessed.

- Ever see her throw a javelin? - What?

She could throw a javelin so fucking far,

I used to go and watch her do athletics.

I was such a fucking pervert,

and I just really loved the fact

that she could probably bench-press me.

Pete, you banged her, didn't you?

- Yes! - Pete got with everyone.

He was the most player of all our friends.

Well, I'm not surprised.

The way he sat there holding that cocktail,

it's like we got James Bond sat here in the room with us, innit?

Double-O-Seven!

[All laughing]

Yeah, one of the kids in the refugee camp said

I looked like Daniel Craig.

- Really? - Yeah.

Some of those kids were just so amazing.

- Mm. - Cool, man.

So, have you told Sonia about your sordid past?

Uh, yes, yes. I've come clean about Skippy.

Weird to think that we even kissed.

I don't think we did.

Don't deny...

Yeah, second night of fresher's week.

- I... - George?

Is there something I should know about?

- Sorry. - No, honestly,

- I don't remember this at all. - What? Now, come off it!

No girl can forget a night of passion with Double-O-Seven.

Can they? Eh? Oi, George, you got any guns?

- Yeah, fucking loads. - Let's get Pete a gun!

Take a photo - we'll send it in to Hollywood.

They haven't chosen a new Bond yet, have they?

Right, well, let's get a gun.

- Oh, no...! - George stop him!

- Harry! - Oh, God!

Wait, who was it that, um...

- Who was it that pulled Plank? - Oh, yes!

No, actually, no one pulled Plank,

but he did smooch a pooch.

- A dog! He kissed a dog! - Yeah, that little pug!

Sorry? "Plank"?

Plank, yeah.

- Do you not remember? - No.

Plank, as in the wild card.

He came round, with the big wheel of cheese.

He was dressed as a fucking wizard!

Yeah... vaguely.

Mate, you do remember the wild card tradition, right?

When we'd bring a randommer back to the house?

Yeah, I remember that.

I always thought it was a bit cruel, to be honest.

What? You used to fucking love it!

[George] Saved you, Pete!

[Harry] They are hosting a nervous nelly!

Anyway, I would have Skyped more,

but we all had to share this one computer in the camps.

And it was actually pretty amazing,

we started with, like, zero infrastructure...

So you're gonna propose to Sonia?

Jesus!

- Who told you that? - It's great.

Yeah, sorry, who told you that?

- [Buzzing] - Is that...

I think your phone's buzzing.

Yeah.

- I'll, uh... - Sure.

See ya.

[Sonia] 'Hey! You having fun?'

Yeah! Yeah, just, um... It's a bit, um...

'What?'

Nah, it's just... I guess I thought

that everyone would've grown up a bit more.

Um... Yeah, we're in George's parents' house,

drinking George's dad's whisky.

I'm being mean. Just... I can't wait for you to get here.

- 'Is everyone there?' - Yeah, full house.

Plus some random guy called Harry

that they picked up in the pub!

'Oh, my God.'

Yeah, I'm sure he'll be gone by the time you're here,

- but very funny. - 'Weird.

'Listen, babe, this internet guy's really fucking us around.

'I'm gonna have to wait till the afternoon to let him in.

'Sorry, I'll be a bit later.'

Yeah, no problem. Love you.

'You too. I'm sorry. Love you.'

[Dialogue muted]

[Dialogue muted]

Mate! Are you fucking listening?

Yes! Sorry, Archie.

Um, so... I'm sorry, mate, you're setting up an app?

It's not a fucking app! It's crowdfunding for thrill seekers.

Right!

It's about linking people together

who want to go on tailored adventure holidays, you know,

but they need to go in a group

to make it more financially viable.

So, let's say you want to go chasing whales on jet skis

or some shit like that...

Yeah, Arch, cos that definitely sounds legal.

Don't invest, then, Claire.

You know, but most of your friends are too pussy to do it,

so we team you up with some Saffa meatheads

who are up for a weendish time.

Um... It'd still be, like, expensive, though, wouldn't it?

Right.

Well, I mean, you're not saving money, are you?

You're just kind of linking rich people with rich people.

Yeah... who are up for a weendish time.

I mean, it's better that way, though.

At least you're not having your holiday ruined

- by some random pez. - "Pez"?

Pez! Peasant! Pezo! Come on, mate.

Fucking hell, Archie!

What? Mate, you used to say that shit all the time.

No, I fucking didn't.

Also, like... just have a little bit of, you know, awareness.

- What? Harry? - What's that?

He's worried that you'd be offended

by me referring to peasants as pezes.

Woah!

Fucking hell, are you calling me a peasant, are you, Pete?

- No. - You sort of were, mate.

- Let's just move on. - Oh!

His lordship wants us to move on. OK! Fair enough, OK!

Well, sir, I've left your potty upstairs for you,

and I'll come upstairs and wipe your bum-bum.

- [All laughing] - Actually do it!

Actually do it!

This calls for gear.

No, Archie! No, not at the table.

- Pete, come on. - No, thank you, Archie.

No, no, it's a good point, actually.

Gotta save some energy for the b-day boy.

Main event is tomorrow. Big surprise for Petie!

[Cheering]

Yeah, well, in which case I'd better... better get to bed.

- Get some sleep. - Don't be a bell-end.

No, you're not... OK, OK!

Wait, wait.... I'm gonna do... yeah!

OK, I just want to say, um... happy birthday, Pete!

I know it's been a while

since we've all been under the same roof.

I mean, the last, what, eight, nine years

has really gone by fast,

and it's just so nice that it all still feels so natural.

Yeah, hear-hear.

And I just wanted to say, you know after my, uh, blip...

it really made me realise how lucky I am to have you guys.

Um, and I couldn't have got through any of it without you.

So... All of you.

Uh, so, yeah, happy birthday, Pete.

Ah! Happy birthday to Pete!

[Indistinct conversations]

- Off to bed, too? - Just getting some ciggies.

Right... Sorry not to stay up.

Just wanted to save some energy for tomorrow.

Listen, Pete.

Just so you know, you're not doing too well.

What?

This weekend so far...

I mean, you've been a bit crap, haven't you?

Claiming that we pulled in first year.

And then rubbing Claire's nose in your supposed engagement.

- I didn't tell her that. - Well, she knows.

And I mean... You're not actually engaged, are you?

So, it's hardly news.

I just thought you should know. It's not a good start.

[Woman laughing]

[Indistinct conversation, laughing]

[Conversation continues]

[Conversation stops]

- [Door slams shut] - What the fuck?

[Harry] Sorry.

[Harry mumbling indistinctly]

[Harry clears throat loudly]

[Pete] Ugh!

[Harry urinates, belches]

Oh, man!

Motherfucker...

[Toilet flushing]

- Are those my pills? - Excuse me?

I said, are those my pills?

These are Rennie's. Do you want one?

- No. - No?

No.

Good night.

Good night.

[Harry grunts]

Ha!

[Snores]

[Snoring continues]

[Whining]

What is that?

Harry?

Did you hear that?

Harry?

[Whining continues]

Hey, Claire, what... Are you OK?

Can you hear that?

What is it?

I don't know, I think...

I think someone's let a dog into the house.

[Laughs] I don't know.

Oh, my God. So funny.

Yeah. It must be trapped or something.

You do know that this is all your fault.

What is?

Everything.

[Pete] No!

[Wheezes]

[Harry snoring]

[Exhales]

[Groaning]

[? Music playing]

All right, Archie?

Did you pull an all-nighter?

Yeah.

Was it worth it?

What the fuck kind of question is that?

Yeah, fair enough.

As you were.

Yeah.

[Grunting]

Yeah!

- Morning, morning, morning. - Hey!

Morning!

Sleep well?

Yeah.

You slept very deeply, it seemed.

Ah, never better. That bed's lush.

- Thanking you, George. - Ketchup?

No. Not with tomato.

Ooh...

God. This looks great, guys.

Oh, sorry, mate. Help yourself.

No, no, yeah.

[Radio] 'You're listening to West Coast Classics today

'at 9:35.'

[Continues indistinctly]

Oh, yes.

I had such weird dreams last night.

Really, um... Really, like, nasty.

You did have quite a lot of cheese.

No kidding!

[Imitates farting]

- Should've had a Rennie. - [Laughs]

Claire must be feeling it. Is she still in bed?

She's gone.

What? Why?

[George] Well, why do you think?

Probably cos you told her about the engagement.

Sorry, I didn't tell her anything!

- Harry, did you? - Don't bring Harry into this.

Say what, sorry?

Well, telling Claire about my engagement.

I mean, you did hear yesterday in the kitchen, so...

I'm a little bit lost here, Peter.

Right, and why are you doing that accent now?

What accent?

Also, I didn't say you could borrow my hoodie.

Well, I'm not wearing your hoodie, Pete.

Unless you shop at Mo Valley Farm... [Chuckling]

- Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Pete! Stop it!

Right, fine.

Sorry. Sorry, Harry. Just, um...

I think I'm just tired after a weird night.

Don't worry. You're probably just paranoid

about everything that happened yesterday.

No, he ain't.

You feel bad about Claire.

I didn't tell her, I promise.

And if you didn't, then I don't know who did.

Pete, chill out! She's probably fine, OK?

Just, you know... get stuck into your breakfast, mate.

- Fun day ahead. - [Chuckling]

[Slurps]

- Down on the fucking floor! - [Screams]

[Laughs]

Cheer up, mate. It's not loaded.

Fucking hell, that's dangerous.

Mate, I could handle a gun before I could read.

All right, yeah. So last year, then?

Ha-ha, very funny. Come on, everyone's waiting.

- Actually, Archie! Archie! - Yes, mate?

- [Whispers] Sorry. - What's up, mate?

Um...

- Harry. - Yeah?

Look, I'm just going to say this...

And I feel like I can with you.

Of course you can.

I feel like Harry is, like, fucking with me...

- or doesn't like me. - Uh!

- Or... - He's been a dick to you?

Well, have you not... Yeah, well... Yeah, kind of.

I mean, I don't know, I just feel like he's got it in for me.

That's just what I'm feeling.

I mean, he hasn't said anything bad about you, not to me anyway.

OK. Also... I think I recognise him.

- It's weird. - Mate, I'm sure you don't.

Right.

Anyway, I'll keep an eye on him.

All right? No one messes with my friend.

- Don't do that. - Come here.

Oh, my God. Fucking hell, you stink.

- Do I? - Yeah.

Are you gonna bring this on the walk?

Mate, I could handle a gun before I could read.

You really should try and get some sleep.

Yeah.

Fuck!

That was loaded, actually.

- Hurry up, mate. - Yeah, coming, coming, coming.

- Come on, you bell-end. - Yes, yes, yes...

Sorry, mate, thought you were in...

Whoa! Whoops!

Fuck off, Archie.

Mate, come on. We're waiting.

- See you, mate! - Oh, come on!

Toot-toot!

[Whooping, cheering]

Are you serious?

No, don't close the door... Fuck!

They done a runner on us, have they?

[Laughs] Classic!

- You got your car keys? - No.

Let's just head straight to the pub.

I know a shortcut. We'll probably meet 'em there.

[Church bells ringing]

Tonight should be good, shouldn't it?

Mm.

Shame about Claire.

She's beautiful, though, isn't she?

In a sort of tragic

"I might kill myself any moment" sort of way.

Weird, though...

What?

Well, you know, you go out with someone at university,

and then you remain friends, but you drift apart -

you don't see them for five years.

Well, I have seen Claire, so...

When?

Before I went abroad. We hung out a bunch.

Oh, lovely.

Rekindling old flames, was it?

No! Sorry, that's none of your business.

Say no more.

It's nice you care about her.

Watching over her...

even when she's sleeping.

Right, so you were spying on me last night?

No, just a joke.

You must be bricking it

she's out there trying to top herself again.

Oi, sorry, what is this?

Like, why are you doing this?

Is this cos...

Did I wake you up in your car yesterday?

A few miles back, I can't remember where exactly, but...

Were you sleeping in a car... and I woke you up?

Cos if you did, it's fine.

I don't care that you sleep in a car...

or that you treat your dog like that.

Like what?

Well, horribly.

Pete, I don't have a dog.

Plus I love animals, so... When even was this?

Yesterday afternoon!

What, when I was down at the pub with your mates?

Yeah, sorry... Let's just get to the pub.

All right.

So, you got any fun uni stories, then?

What was that one about that bloke -

what was his name? Plank?

Didn't know you knew about that.

Oh, the others told me. Yeah, what was it he...

Turned up to a house-party with a wheel of cheese? [Laughs]

That's hysterical.

Although, apparently your memory's

a bit hazy on it, though...

Seems to me like you're never in on the good jokes.

Right, that's enough! I don't know what your problem is,

but these are my friends, and this is my birthday,

and I want you to leave, please.

Fuck off!

Sorry.

I can find my own way to the pub.

- Right! - Yes.

[All] Surprise!

Happy birthday!

Ah!

Happy birthday, mate!

Happy birthday, mate.

They put me up to it.

Fucking hell!

- Bit much, guys. - The axe was my idea!

No judgement if you've shat yourself, mate.

Sorry, mate. We had to go ahead to set up.

Hopefully, you'll forgive us. Check this out...

[Mumbles] Yeah!

This is taking pub lunch to a new level,

we have rented this whole place out!

My idea!

Fucking hell, this is awesome!

Party on! Wahey!

Hey!

Pathetic!

- Where's Claire? - I told you, she's gone.

Yeah, don't dwell on it. I'm sure she's fine. Come on.

Ah! Right! First round.

? I feel it in my fingers ?

? I feel it in my toes... ?

Yes, boy!

? Love is all around me ?

? And so the feeling grows ?

You know, I look back at myself when I was at uni,

and I was just so insecure.

Those terrible guys I dated...

And in second year, I met my George,

and he just... he just knows who he is.

I mean, it's the most important thing about a person, isn't it?

Uh, yeah. That and a massive house.

[Laughing]

Anyway, now I just don't take shit from people.

- Go, Fig! - Yeah!

Life's too short to care about anything!

You mean, like, what certain people think...

No, I mean anything.

Oh...

[Laughs]

Anyway, I feel like I just know who I am.

And I love myself.

I back myself -

in my life, in my marriage, in my job, and...

And that's happiness.

Yes! Yes!

[Clears throat] It's like when I, um...

I remember when I saw this refugee kid,

just, like, understand something for the first time...

Are you enjoying your birthday party?

- Hell, yes. - Yes?

Yes, I am, thank you so much for everything.

I mean, it's just amazing.

You still don't know what the surprise is yet, do you?

That wasn't the surprise?

? Well, there is a house... ?

Oh...! It's another Harry thing.

- Maybe... - What we talking about?

We're just talking about how Fig's after your money, mate.

- Oh, yeah. - [Laughs]

I should give Sonia a call, just to let her know what I'm up to.

Yeah, yeah. Tell her we'll pay for the cab.

Thank you.

You're not going anywhere till you've done some of this.

Uh... no, Archie, I haven't done any of that since uni.

Yeah, nor have I, mate, but come on, it's your birthday.

Come on, then!

- OK! - Yes!

[Laughs]

? Well, they call the rising sun... ?

[Grunts] What the fuck am I doing?

Fuck it!

[Sniffs]

I would be honoured if you would be my best man.

What? Woah! Pete... I don't know what to say.

Say yes!

I know we haven't seen each other in ages...

Years!

Yeah, but I feel... that that's fine,

because I feel like we're those friends

who can not see each other for ages

and then just, like, pick up where we left off.

Do you feel like that?

Totally, yeah. That means so much to me.

Thank you, man.

So, you're really happy with Sonia, yeah?

Oh, yeah!

You see, the best thing about Fig for me is,

she makes me feel like myself.

You know, I don't have to pretend to be anyone else.

Does Sonia make you feel like yourself?

Yeah! Yeah, like a better version.

Like, I remember when we were in the camp,

and just seeing this refugee kid

just understand something for the first time,

just I was like...

Mate! What the fuck?

You fucking goon!

You rinsed an entire bag of hoon!

Archie!

That was the last bag!

It was supposed to last us all night.

I barely touched it, Archie.

It was full when I gave it to you.

- Explain that, you thief. - [Harry] It wasn't.

I spilt... I spilt a bit earlier.

Sorry, I should've said.

OK. It was an accident. So... cool.

It doesn't fucking matter, Archie.

Sorry, mate.

No big deal. Plenty of ket back at the house.

[Whispers] You owe me one.

- Fuck, that's a rabbit! - [Fig] Archie, wait!

- [Gunshot] - Ow! Fucking hell!

Fucking clipped him.

If I see a crow, I'm gonna splat it.

So, when's Sonia getting here, Pete?

Yeah, something you want to tell us, mate?

She's not picking up her phone.

Hey, wait, wait, wait...

Save some ammo for this afternoon.

- What's that? - Huh?

Oh, Norman's organised a little rough shoot for your birthday.

The one you was telling the story about yesterday

- when he was stood behind you. - Yeah, I know, I know.

Yeah, it's really, really nice of him to do it, man.

Yeah, that is really... Thing is, I don't really shoot, mate.

- You've shot here once before. - I don't think I did.

It's just a bit of fun, mate.

Get some lead in the air before the gala night tonight.

Super relaxed, mate, don't worry about it.

Afternoon, Norman.

Ready for action.

- Long lunch, Mr George? - Like father like son.

Ooh, I don't know. Your Dad'd still be in the pub, I reckon.

- [Laughing] - Is he all right to shoot?

Absolutely fine, thank you, young man.

Person you should probably worry about is me.

I... I don't shoot.

This is for you, isn't it?

Yes.

Then enjoy yourself, lad.

[Fires gun, bird squawking]

[Fires gun]

[Pete] That was really fun, actually.

Didn't hit a single bird.

Thank you so much, Norman. I'm...

I am really sorry about that.

Never mind.

Was there talk of another drive, or...?

Nah. The lads have all gone... after that.

[Fig] Archie.

Thank you so much, Norman. I, uh...

didn't hit a single one, but it was really fun.

Sorry, is there a problem?

Something like that takes a lot of organisation from Norman,

so... And a lot of money.

So, to just not shoot anything, you know, was... a real shame.

I got pretty close to one of them.

Yeah, yeah. You wounded it.

Is that the car you thought I was sleeping in?

Pete thought I was homeless.

So what if he was? Would that be a problem?

For you guys maybe!

I'm the one who's been working in a refugee camp, all right?

You keep making me out to be the bad guy.

- Home, sweet home. - Cheers, Georgie.

'Hi, it's Sonia. Leave a message.'

Hey, yeah... I don't know where you are. I'm getting worried.

Like, what the hell is going on?

Gimme a call. I love you.

Seems that there's a bit of a trend you scaring girls off.

[Laughing]

Yeah, maybe I should leave, too.

If you leave you, won't get your hands on this massive house.

- Isn't that why you married me? - [Laughing]

That was a joke, George.

- What was? - [Fig] Oh, look, guys!

- Claire's back! Claire's here! - Hey!

[Fig] Oh, Claire Bear!

- Sorry, where have you been? - I went for lunch with my aunt.

Wait, what...

- Pete, what's up? - I-I don't know...

I don't know, I... I don't know what's going on.

- Are you upset with me? - No.

OK, well everyone's saying you're angry at me,

and they're all being fucking mean.

And I don't know why, and I think that Harry's trying

to turn everyone against me.

I'm sure I recognise him, Claire!

And, like, I just don't know what's going on,

and I don't know where Sonia is... [Sobs]

Oh, no, no... Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete! Stop!

Pete!

Look...

Reunions are like this... yeah?

They're... stressful and emotional,

and, you know, there's just so much pressure to be...

the people we were back then, but Pete...

Everybody loves you, Petie.

Yeah.

You're just a bit anxious.

That's nothing new, right?

Mm-hmm.

Plus maybe you're slightly worried

about Sonia meeting us all for the first time...

Meeting me.

But... you have nothing to worry about, OK?

I'm actually looking forward to meeting her.

We all are.

[Clears throat]

It's OK.

Look, um, Claire... Thank you.

- Yeah. - Um...

You know,

when we were hooking up just before I met Sonia.

Yes...

What, you...?

You haven't told her, have you?

No.

I'm so sorry, it just never came up.

Pete... [Chuckles]

Obviously, I want her to like me,

so I'm not gonna walk up to her and be like,

- "Oh, hey, by the way..." - [Both chuckling]

Nobody knows except us.

Unless you've told people.

Well, I actually did...

I actually did tell Harry on our walk.

- What? - For fuck's sake!

I mean... why?

I don't really...

[George] Pete! Someone here to see you!

Says she's your girlfriend, but she's way too fit.

See?

[Sighs]

And... I mean, I knew that Pete was posh,

but when it gets to that level,

I sort of need a translator half the time.

She's quite something, isn't she?

A very formidable woman.

Yeah, sorry, I got no idea what you just said.

[All laughing]

OK, uh... do your impression of me.

Oh, yes, please do!

Um...

[Conversation continues indistinctly]

Pete, you really don't suit that cigar.

Yeah, I know, who are you right now, Pete?

I just think I look fucking cool.

Well, you don't.

I know. It was kind of a joke, Harry.

Mate, Sonia is fucking cool.

- Oh, thanks, mate. - Yeah.

- Do you want another stogie? - No, I'm OK, thank you.

Fine. More stoges for this guy.

Oh, my God, George just showed me some of Claire's art,

and it is amazing.

Yeah, well, they're beautiful, aren't they?

I think the colours are almost like Chris Ofili.

Who's Chris Ofili?

A Nigerian-born British artist

who won the Turner Prize a few years back.

Fucking weendish tapestries.

- Did you know that, Pete? - Yeah.

And he actually also paints with elephant dung,

so, thanks for the comparison, George.

It's my pleasure.

I didn't know you were into him, Pete?

- I like art! - Mm.

Oh, actually, Sonia, you should really come here in February.

George's Dad runs these incredible exhibits

of really good modern art

for low-income rural communities.

Oh, that sounds awesome.

Wow! I didn't know you guys did that.

Oh, the kids gets so involved. It's actually really rewarding.

- Yeah, it's lovely. - Speaking of kids... [Laughs]

Who's this?

"Now then, now then... [Laughs]

- "Now then, now then!" - Jesus, Archie!

- It's me, Jimmy Savile! - Yeah, we know.

It's OK, I can make that joke.

My Latin teacher was a paedo, so...

Guys, I actually find that really offensive.

Jimmy Savile was from Leeds,

and that was clearly a Mancunian accent.

- [Laughing] - That was good.

[Claire] Yeah, that was really good.

All right, mate?

Oh, hey. Hey, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

You sure? Cos you, um...

were looking a bit crestfallen back there.

Oh, I'm just a bit embarrassed, I think.

Why?

Bit of a weird question, but, um...

do you think Sonia likes me?

Yeah. Definitely.

I was just worried that, um...

Jimmy Savile thing was bit of a clanger, you know?

No, I think she thought it was funny. Everyone did.

Not exactly a belly laugh, though.

Mate, she likes you. Um...

- The thing about Sonia is... - OK, great.

Listen, the other thing I wanted to say is that...

Yesterday eve,

I was trying to tell you about my business idea at dinner.

Yeah?

And I just felt like you weren't really listening.

And then you... you mocked it a bit,

and you picked it apart in front of everyone.

- Mate, I am so sorry. - No, it's fine.

I mean, it probably is a fucking stupid idea.

I just feel quite worthless lately, you know?

And I've been taking it out on people.

I'm just a horrible toff!

[Sobbing]

Oh, Archie!

I mean, what am I doing? You know?

I'm 31, mate!

It's getting a bit late in the day, you know?

- Everyone feels lost sometimes. - Really?

Yes!

You know, I'm seeing a therapist.

- You are? - Yes.

That's good.

Yeah, we always hoped you'd do that one day.

Yeah...

Yeah!

Well, I am, and, you know, I get a bit anxious sometimes.

And it just really helps to talk to someone.

Yeah.

Thanks for sharing, man.

Oh, Archie, you still smell very bad.

Yeah? [Laughs]

So, um...

So are you doing better now?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm having, um...

I'm having a really good time now, thanks.

Cool.

This...

This might not be the best time to bring this up, then,

but, um...

I've been thinking about what you said about Harry.

And I've actually been getting

a really weird vibe from him, too, you know?

- Right! - Yeah.

Has he been saying things about me?

About me and Claire?

I mean... No, not exactly.

But something's off.

Like, he knows so much about you, it's weird.

Have you seen him writing in a book

after I'll say something sometimes?

Mate!

I've seen it.

And I'm worried about it.

Thanks, mate.

[Muttering]

[Grunting]

What the fuck?

You fucking snake.

Fucking prick!

- All right? - Hello, peeping Tom.

Just grabbing me and Sonia a beer if want one?

Yeah, no, I think I'm all right, thanks.

And I wasn't peeping. What was that?

You didn't hear that, did you?

- No, I didn't. - Good.

What's up?

Scared I'd let it out?

- Let what out? - Your big secret.

What the fuck does that mean?

About your engagement, obviously.

Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.

Who the fuck do you think you are? Huh?

I don't know, Pete.

Who do you think I am, more to the point.

I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.

And I know what you're doing,

trying to turn everyone against me. I just don't know why yet.

Also, nice try on the pills, mate.

What's that? Trying to make me hallucinate?

Trying to make me freak out?

What are those?

'Herbal Kalms'. Camomile and nettle flavour.

Well, maybe you should take one of them, Pete.

Oh, maybe I should have one, should I? Yeah?

Well, how am I gonna have one if they're all...

- You all right? - Yeah.

- ...stamped on? - Right, listen, Pete...

I'm on to you, OK?

So watch your fucking back, mate.

Why? What you gonna do?

I don't know, I'm gonna tell everyone.

Tell everyone what?

That you're fucking mental.

And stay away from Sonia!

- Hey. - Hey.

- Shall we go for a little walk? - Harry was just...

- Come on. - Oh... yep.

Are you all right? You having a good day?

Uh... yeah. Are you all right?

Yeah, let's just pop round the corner.

Why don't you just tell me what's going on?

OK, yeah, um...

All right, so, uh...

Like, this is a weird time to do this,

but I need to tell you something,

and I don't want you to hear it from someone else.

Uh... what?

OK, basically...

Just before we met, before we starting going out, I was...

I was hooking up with Claire.

I said that that hadn't happened since uni,

and it did a bunch of times,

and it was nothing, but I should have told you,

- and I'm really sorry. - Pete, I don't understand...

There is nothing going on with Claire. OK?

But I get that now that I'm saying it now,

it's like a thing...

- I'm fucking sorry. - No, but... you did tell me.

- When? - Um...

Ages ago. When we started dating, I guess.

- What the fuck's wrong with me? - Whoo...

Hey, come here.

Babe, please, please try and relax.

So, Harry didn't say anything to you, then? About me...

- We were just chatting. Pete? - Yeah, OK. Right.

There is something wrong, right?

- I was going through his bag... - Pete!

Yeah, I know.

I really hate Harry.

He's, he's...

He's a bit of a tit. Yeah, he's a fucking clown,

and you haven't had enough sleep.

He is ruining my birthday.

Come on. Let's get you to bed.

Why?

Let's put that little psycho brain to bed, eh?

Little nap for the madman.

I'll tuck you in.

[Snoring]

[? Music playing, indistinct conversations]

[? Music playing, cheering]

[Cheering]

Sorry I didn't wake you. You looked so adorable.

This is amazing.

Everyone's dressed as their favourite memory of you!

What? That's so cool.

OK, uh... So, uh...

Spicy wings challenge!

Yes, but you have to take this shot.

- Thank you. - Petie, Petie... Petie!

[Echoing voices] Oh, my God...

Eat, sleep, rave, repeat, baby?

My favourite T-shirt, yeah. That was just left in my room...

Oh, my God...

This is fucking amazing!

[Voices continue]

Um, guys, this is... This is incredible.

And yeah... Well, I'll just keep this really brief.

Thank you so much and... to you guys!

[Cheering]

And to Sonia, because she's the new member of the gang.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, I think that might be Pete's surprise.

[Cheering]

[Chuckling]

- [Laughing] - Ace!

[Whooping]

OK, um... without further ado,

may I introduce...

Pete!

[Cheering]

Sorry I'm late - I was doing charity work.

Anyone want to hear about the refugees I've been saving?

[Laughing]

What the fuck?

Oh, Fake Pete, do sit down, won't you?

Thank you very much, although I don't think I will,

because it might hurt the environment.

Dad had something similar at his 60th.

It was opera singers pretending to be waiters.

OK.

So, Fake Pete, have you had a nice birthday?

Oh, yes. Indeed I have.

But I have to say,

there haven't been enough girls for me to shag.

Excuse me, how rude!

There've been two gorgeous girls here this whole time.

Yes! How thoughtless, Fake Pete!

Sorry, Fig, I'm not into posh girls.

I like 'em edgy and from up north, like Sonia.

I wish I was northern, too.

- Ayup! - [Laughing]

Pete, have you got any questions for yourself?

Um, are you the guy from the shoot?

Yeah.

Come on, mate, play the game.

Fake Pete, describe your character in three words.

Obsessed with talking about charity.

- That's five words, mate. - And anal.

- [Laughing] - Yes!

And I've got a big secret I haven't revealed...

[All] Ooh...!

Wow, guys, this is a little bit weird.

Earlier today, I pretended to know who Chris Ofili was.

[Laughing]

Yes! At least I admitted it.

- Who wrote these lines for you? - [Harry barking]

[Claire] OK, Fake Pete, Fake Pete,

what is your biggest fear?

That no one really likes me, and I abandon my friends,

and that I don't really have a personality.

Wow!

This is horrible, actually.

Yeah, mate. That's... too far.

Sorry. Must not have taken me herbal pills...

gettin' the fear.

- [Laughing] - Woof-woof!

- OK, do me. Do me. - "Do you"?

You would say that... Claire is so in love with me.

No, she's not!

OK, it's a joke, Pete! He's not actually you.

Come on, do me, Pete. Who am I? Woof-woof!

Ooh! Harry!

Is it Harry, or is it...

I could swear I recognise you from somewhere.

In fact, I definitely know who you are.

And it's making me freak out!

- Ruff-ruff! - Come on,

let 'em in on the big secret. Who am I, Pete? Woof-woof!

Come on! Woof-woof!

- Woof-woof, come on! - Woof-woof!

Come on, who am I, Pete? Woof-woof!

Pete, what's he talking about? Who is he?

I'll tell her if you don't, Pete.

- Come on! - You know who it is!

- Woof-woof! - Pete, who is he?

[Barking, jeering]

- Fucking hell, mate! - Come on!

All right, I'll say!

[Noise stops]

I can't believe you're here.

Look, I was fucking fifteen when this happened, OK?

I was a kid. Just, like, a stupid dick!

Me and this other guy...

would prank phone call this girl.

I recognised her on your phone.

She lived at the end of our street. Um...

And she was, like, a little bit slow.

And she was really scared of dogs.

And, uh, we used to call her up...

and bark down the phone.

And we thought it was funny.

But one day she suffocated herself with a plastic bag...

in her parents' bathroom.

We were questioned by the police,

but, you know, what could they do really?

No one blamed us.

Except for her brother.

He used to come round my house, and I'd just...

run upstairs.

Let my parents deal with it.

I was such a coward.

Mate...

I'm so sorry.

Don't be.

Why?

Cos that's not me, mate.

Who are you, then?

I'm Plank!

Plank? The wizard guy from uni?

[Chuckles] Yeah.

That was sort of the surprise, mate.

Yeah.

The lads looked me up on Facebook.

Told me to come down to surprise you.

You know, remind you of the good old days.

No, sorry, I don't understand. What was all the barking, then?

Well, cos you made me kiss that dog that night, do you remember?

Then I made you kiss it back, which you did.

[Chuckles] Thought I'd just wind you up about it, you sicko.

Why are you wearing a plastic bag on your head?

Well, cos you hoovered up that bag of coke before, didn't you?

That's my favourite memory of you.

No, I didn't, actually!

And all that dog stuff is bullshit.

I would never make anyone do that.

Look, this is...

This is her. That's...

I just didn't recognise her on your phone

because she's younger in this photo.

Hang on, that's my kid.

What have you got a picture of my kid on your phone for?

Fuck off! That...

Look, he's clearly turning you guys against me, OK?

He is the one that told Claire I was gonna propose to Sonia!

What?

You're gonna propose?

Oh, for fuck's sake, Pete!

No, I mean...

Look, you don't have to say anything.

- Let's talk about it later. - Yeah, of course.

Claire, sorry...

Look, did Harry... Did Harry tell you about my engagement?

No, Pete. I just guessed.

You seemed happy.

Why would you be worried if Claire knew?

Look, guys, he fucking tried to spike me.

OK? He swapped around my pills.

- What pills are those? - Oh, 'Herbal Kalms'.

[Archie] Um... actually, that was me, dude.

I slipped a pinger in one of the things.

Thought it'd be jokes cos they're the same size.

If you're not gonna use it, can I have it back, please?

No!

I stamped on them.

Wait, so... So, you haven't been taking your pills?

Oh, Pete...

They're Herbal Kalms, for fuck's sake!

So, like, what's going on?

Why are you being so fucking mean?

What's Fake Pete about? What's the message there?

That I'm a phoney?

Just a joke, mate. Bit of a roast.

There is no conspiracy here, Pete.

The whole world doesn't revolve around you

just because you've done some charity work.

And have you asked me once what I've been up to?

What George is doing?

Do you even know what we do?

Yeah, of course I do!

You work in finance!

Babe, they do Corporate Law,

but no one's being mean to you, OK?

Take it from me.

Oh, my God, so now you're in on it.

In on what?

Look, I fucking swear, it's Harry or Plank... or whatever.

I just wanted to have a nice time with you this weekend,

- and he's ruined it. - Pete, it...

It's not Plank.

It's not us.

It's you, mate.

You've changed.

Old Pete would have loved all this.

I'm still old Pete!

I'm still Skippy!

Yeah, um...

Who is this Skippy, by the way? Is it you?

Yeah, I was confused when you mentioned that earlier.

Skippy is what you used to call me, right?

As in "the skipper"...

Cos I was captain of the party.

- [Claire] Oh, my... - [Harry] Oh, dear.

Bond's havin' a breakdown.

Someone give him a dog to cuddle!

Oh, fucking shut up, you fucking pikey cunt!

Uh, I'm so hung over.

Listen, Sonia, about the whole engagement thing...

I guess you, um...

given everything that happened, and all the stuff I said...

I would totally understand if you didn't want to marry me,

or go out anymore.

- I mean, would you? - No.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Fucking hell, I called someone a 'pikey'.

Not the worst thing you've done, though.

[Sobbing]

Pete, I'm joking.

Of course I'll marry you.

What?

What... What do you mean?

Yeah, I'll marry you.

- You're not joking? - No.

Right.

[Chuckling]

That's great!

That's great.

You know the problem with you, don't you?

You can't take a fucking joke.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull