Original subtitles

Good.

That's it. You are good to go.

- Thanks. - Thank you. - Goodbye.

Mr Beretti, Mr Beretti!

- Come on, I know you are there. - Ah, who wants to sue me this week?

- Nobody. - So they took away my citizenship.

- No, and why should they? - Well, because...

It certainly cannot be said that I did much honor to America.

I'm sorry for the damage I've done.

But I'm sure this will make up for it.

You are related to.. Ms Laura Beretti,

resident in Lavenham, Suffolk, England?

Laura...? Yes, my aunt.

She was your aunt.

Is she dead?

Poor Aunt Laura.

Well, not that poor after all. Here's her will.

You are her only heir.

Heir?

It means that... Oh, poor Aunt Laura...

Oh, poor Aunt Laura!

I need to smoke a cigarette. What time is it? Half an hour has passed?

- No, it's ten past ten. - Hmmm, there are still another twenty minutes left.

- Good. What can I do for you? - Well, really...

A haircut? How do you usually wear it?

Oh pardon, you don't. A polish then.

I'll give you a nice free polish!

Oh poor Aunt Laura.

(Mario) God save the queen!

The heir can naturally accept, or reject the inheritance.

(Mario) No, no. I accept. I accept.

You see your aunt had to sell most of the goods,

to cover medical expenses.

How much is left?

- Nothing, unfortunately. - Nothing?

Yes, except the house, of course. Yes, of course, the house.

Finch, do you want to explain the financial situation to Mr. Beretti?

Inheritance of Miss Laura Beretti, single.

Worth: 31,000 pounds.

Mortgages to pay off 8,900 pounds, 3 shillings and 9 pence.

Legal expenses and inheritance tax, 19,034 pounds 12 shillings and 6 pence.

Creditors: 3,081 pounds, 17 shillings and 6 pence.

Total liabilities: 31.019 pounds, 17 shillings and 6 pence.

I understood. Now explain the explanation, if you don't mind.

It's very simple. You are left with a net deficit of 19 pounds and 17 shillings.

- And six pence. - Pleased to meet you, Mr. Beretti.

(Sound of an alarm clock)

Here it is. Notice the delicate originality of the floral pattern.

It can only be the work of a great master.

It appears to have been used by Queen Victoria,

during the engagement party to Prince Albert. Thanks.

- Thirty pounds, for a chamber pot... - Madame! It is a very rare piece.

Thank you very much.

I assure you that you will hardly see pieces like these around.

Pat, dear, the chamber pots are not so rare here after all.

- No, but tourists are. - I don't know what to say.

When you came to work here,

I hired you because we needed some American efficiency. But...

Now sometimes, I confess you Pat, I have the impression that you're a little too...

Too mercenary? I am, Mr. Greenwood.

Money for me is sexy. Sexy more than men.

Maybe you haven't found the man you want yet.

No, actually I haven't found the money I want yet.

I understand...

- Good morning, Mr. Greenwood. - Good-day, good-day.

I thought you may be interested in...

- Miss Beretti's assets. - Poor Miss Beretti.

So the heritage is almost non-existent, uh?

Without the almost.

(Greenwood) It is very strange, she was considered very rich around here.

Not just here. However, what's left... are these.

Maybe you could...

Well, I don't know what to say. I wouldn't even have a place to put them.

(Subheading) Look at the drawing on the back.

Hmm, does that mean they are genuine Hepplewhite?

You bet they are!

She wouldn't have kept them if they weren't.

- How much did you say you want? - Two hundred and sixty-four dollars.

- So, it'd be more or less... - One hundred and nine pounds and eleven shillings. Why?

London - New York, economy class.

Look if you leave them here in storage,

I'm pretty sure I'll be able to fix them in a few days.

How much does London New York cost in the steamer?

I think about ninety dollars.

In this case I hope you don't suffer from seasickness.

Here, wait.

(Mario) Six pence...

(Greenwood) Ah, Mr. Beretti, you are a very lucky man.

It's a kind of miracle.

- Miracle of the sky. - (Greenwood) Too kind. Pat?

- (Pat) Here I am! - She managed to sell them for 100 pounds!

So here it is. Ten for us and ninety for you.

- The chairs? - Isn't she a smart girl?

Does that mean she sold the chairs?

Who told you to sell the stuff that doesn't belong to you!

- It was you. - What kind of shop is this!

I want them back, is it clear?

Tell your, your saleswoman here to find them again right away!

She had insisted so much yesterday, and I had thought...

Forget yesterday! Yesterday... I didn't know.

- What didn't you know? - Here... there is a...

A clause in my aunt's will,

I can't sell any of her personal assets before 1980.

I have to get them back.

I apologize...

Where are my chairs!

It's late now and unfortunately I can't do anything anymore.

Ah, is that so?

Who bought them? Give me their name and address.

No, this would not be correct. I'm sorry I can not.

- (Mario) I don't give a damn. - Please, no. Pat!

- Put it immediately in the safe. - (Mario) No!

You have to get me those chairs back. It's a matter of life or death!

(Greenwood) Mr Beretti, please. Don't lose your temper!

I haven't lost it yet. You should see me when I actually lose it!

I want those ch... Ops.

Excuse me. I am so sorry.

You must have been shocked when you discovered that 1980 clause.

Thanks. Go.

Ah, here you can enjoy all the sweetness of life.

- Roaring London! - Yeah...

Right. You are free to go and roar as much as you want in your room.

Don't tell me you want be single for some British car salesman.

Some Jonathan, Nicolas.

Quentin. He is a member of Parliament.

For you only chairs or armchairs, uh?

- Can you tell me what's your game? - Fifty fifty, here's my game.

Fifty fifty? Of what?

- Of this. - What is it?

The receipt with the name and address of the buyer.

Open up or I'll knock down the door!

- Where did you put it? - A gentleman would never dare.

Ah, yes? I'm not, so...

Ah come here!

(Mario) Stop it!

(Mario) Don't move.

(Knock against the wall)

I told you to go roar in your room, didn't I?

We do half of everything.

(Mario) Stay still...

(Mario) Where are you going?

(Pat) If you behave like a good boy, maybe I'll give you the receipt.

Don't worry, I already have it.

No!

Get it out!

Wha...

Now it's two of us to know it.

- What? - Who bought those chairs.

Rest assure that Mr. Greenwood will never tell you. He's very reserved.

- Are you too? - This depends on how reasonable you are.

Do not count on it.

(Mario) Where are you going... Come here!

Stop!

Stop!

Don't worry, he won't do it. I know him well, come on.

But Jackie! If you break up with him, he might have a nervous breakdown!

You know what? I don't care. I'll send him my condolences.

I hate that you talk to me with that arrogant attitude. My beloved Jackie.

Look how miserable he is. Are you short-sighted?

I thought you were a psychiatrist, not an eye doctor.

Heartless... Jackie you are made of stone.

Better than being made of jelly.

Come on, let's go. It's just a crisis. It will pass.

No! You bought that for me, for Valentine's Day!

Alright then. I'll cut my wrists. I'll cut my wrists.

Cut what you want, honey.

I'll do it with Abu Mustafa's 16th-century scimitar.

Goodbye cruel world!

Wait! Couldn't you stay a little longer? You too.

Sorry, but I want my chairs back.

The gallery is closed. Mr. Bennet is undergoing an emotional crisis.

Tell me about it!

Really? Do you need a good psychiatrist?

Can I help you?

- Anything, don't be shy. - I'm looking for a naked girl.

Oh...

Maybe the gentleman too needs to speak to a psychiatrist.

Hey, stop! Where are the other chairs?

It can't end like this, you owe me an explanation. Monster!

- (Mario) The chairs are not all here. - (Pat) How many chairs did you sell?

- Leave me... - Where did you put the other chairs?

In the warehouse. Except the two that Mr. Bennet gave to me.

- And then the one I gave Rosy. - How dare you... To Rosy!

Rosy? Who is it? A chair for Rosy?

The owner of the opposite shop. My new partner.

Don't you know Rosy?

- How many have you sold, how many? - Go away, you and your damn chairs!

- I want Jackie. - I want to know how many you gave away!

Excuse me.

Only one at the High Maccabia Embassy in Paris.

- In Paris? - Slowly.

How many more, speak!

Speak!

Oh, come on!

- Get out of the way. - Stop!

You are desecrating the best of British craftsmanship. This is pure vandalism!

Have you tried to run away from me?

- You sneaked out of the hotel. - I was just trying to earn my 50%.

From now on, if you want to do something in secret, you'll do it with me.

(Pat) This can lead to interesting developments.

(Pat) If you don't put away that razor someone will lose the nose.

Hey, look! Our chair.

- Hello. - Forget Rose, I'll take care of him.

Ah, it's you.

If you are still looking for a naked girl this is definitely the wrong place.

No, I was interested in one of those garments. Up there.

The bullet-proof diabolic waistcoat. For the man who already has everything.

- It should be fine for you. - Here. Could I see it?

- Yes, I'll climb and I bring it to you. - (Subheading) Go.

I wonder if it'd suit my husband. He is 1.95 feet tall and has a very wide back.

- Unlikely I have to.. - He dirties so many of bullet-proof vests...

Hey, hey you!

Ugly barbarian!

How could you think to come here to smash everything like Attila.

You know what? Now I want you to explain the whole thing to the police.

- Inspector! Inspector Mc Parson? - Tell me.

I want this tomboy to suffer all the rigors of the law without mercy.

- There is, there is a misunderstanding. - Be careful! This is a serious case.

I am his psychoanalyst.

- (Mario) Yes. - (Jackie) But look what he did!

This chair is not yours. It belongs to Mr. Bennet.

- Who knows what Mr. Bennet will say. - Oh, nothing coherent, we are sure of this.

Come with me, I'll take care of you. First, a series of sessions.

Do you realize that yours is only a hyper-compensation, right?

You give purpose to your aggressiveness, through a transfer of aggression.

- You understand that, don't you? - Of course I understand it.

Good. The first step towards normality...

One moment, please.

Doctor Diffenbakker? Come to me, please.

- Do you want to wait in the waiting room? - Definitely.

- And the chairs are a classic maternal symbol. - The transferred aggressiveness.

Think if he reached the stage of the sofas.

That patient in the waiting room has gutted a chair!

He is here for this very reason. Let him in.

Have a seat, sir.

Ah yes, yes. Thanks.

Here we are

- I'm here for Mr. Beretti. - Yes, I see.

That poor man needs help.

- And I'm very willing to give it to him. - Someone to share his burden with.

Fifty fifty

There's a girl gutting another chair!

An epidemic! It's what I feared!

(Psychiatrist) It seems incredible... But it is possible!

The end of the upholstery. From the origins to the present day!

- Money. - Money?

- Where is it? - I thought you found it.

I opened a single chair. You opened the other one.

There wasn't in mine.

So you are a filthy bastard. Cheater, traitor!

Stay still! Be careful, are you crazy?

It had to be in the first chair, otherwise you would have gutted the other too.

Ah .. keep acting like that! Do you think you are fooling me?

If I found the money,

why would I have stayed here? I would have run away, it's so clear!

You didn't stay after, you ran away like a hare!

(Mario) Yes to chase you .. (tires that screech)

...after you had gutted the other chair. Come on, where did you put it?

(Pat) Leave the bag.

(Pat) If I really had that money, I'd throw it on that ugly, dirty face!

(Pat) Just to show you how to respect others!

(Mario) If I had it I would buy you a case of rosé champagne.

I am such a fool!

- I don't want your champagne, I want the money! - Forget the money!

- Ah, you confess, you want to keep it all. Bastard!

- (Pat) You a carrion! - Coward!

(Cheers of the crowd)

(Whistles and screams of disapproval)

(Screams) No!

Well?

(Mario complains) - Shhhh!

Holy heaven.

- What happened? - You were screaming like a siren.

- What a nightmare. - Ok, Ok, now it's over.

Cigarette?

- What horrible moments! - Which horrible moments?

At the Olympics, the Rome Olympics!

I was the torch-bearer of the last stretch.

- (Pat) Congratulations. - What? Wait...

I did the last stretch carrying that torch.

Everyone was cheering, throwing flowers from windows, flags flying in the wind.

- Fantastic! - Wait...

I begin to climb those endless steps

- Suddenly... - (Pat) Suddenly what?

- I stumble, and the torch falls! - Really?

My picture on the front page of all the newspapers.

- Banned as a leper! - So what did you do?

- The only thing I could do: I emigrated! - In America.

Ten years now I have been an American citizen, ten disgusting years.

Everything I started doing, was going wrong after a while.

Poor Mario.

And you know what? In the end I find that barber shop, and what happens to me?

The first day I was there I was shaving a big shot of the chamber of commerce.

I was about to gently shave him when I...

Brrr, I get chills just thinking about it. The ear...

- You've found yourself in complicated situations! - Like hunting those chairs!

Look Mario, I'm also willing to admit that you didn't find the money

And I'm willing to admit the same about you. So the hunt continues!

- Good. We will be rewarded. - Of course!

At least one miracle will happen, right?

In this miserable, filthy life, full of trouble.

- Right? - Quite right.

Do you know that I have wanted to do it for a long time?

Then do it for long! (The alarm sounds)

Yes thanks.

Hey, wake up.

There is a plane that leaves for Paris at 11.15.

- They're trying to find you a place. - Paris?

The chair is over at the Alta Maccabia Embassy, ​​remember?

- No, I lost count. - Ok, let's count.

- The chairs are thirteen, right? - Exactly.

- And how many of us have we checked? - One two three four.

- So how many are left? - Nine.

Perfect. Eight are at Bennet, I'll take care of it, I know how to work on that one.

And the chair in Paris is up to you.

Can I ask you why you want to talk to the Ambassador, Mr. Beretti?

Manganese mines.

- I'm an unemployed mining expert. - Then you want a visa for high Maccabia.

- Yes, yes exactly. A visa. - Then you have to talk to the consulate secretary.

If she hasn't already gone to breakfast. What nationality are you, Mr. Beretti?

- United States... American. - Then you don't need a Visa.

The Alta Maccabia opens its doors to all Americans.

And also to all the Russians. And also to all the Chinese.

Excuse me, I forgot the umbrella.

(Mario) Yes, here it is.

- Excuse me, sir, this is mine. - I am sorry... I have an identical one.

- How strange. - (Mario) So... we should share it...

- Do you work here? - Yes.

(Mario) Do you want to have dinner with me?

I'm sorry, but... my boyfriend wouldn't approve.

But I need you only for half an hour.

What are you saying!

Mademoiselle, that Embassy... hasn't always been an Embassy.

Actually... once it was...

Well, well, that's the place where my mother met my father.

The office next to the entrance... that was the place where I...

- Brought up? - Conceived.

Oh, how romantic.

They must love each other very much.

- Who? - Your father and your mother to...

To do it in an office. With all the phones ringing.

In those days it was... a studio. Dad was a sculptor.

Mum posed for him naked, but at some point she fell off the stool, then

he knelt down to see if she was hurt, and...

What a romantic story! But you have the hands of an artist.

Do you also sculpt?

No, no... Are you a model?

- We could... relive the episode. - In the same place?

(Mario) Why not? That would be great. Where is my bag?

Let me do it. I'll do it.

Here it is. Good night.

- I'm engaged, I told you. - But... But me too.

Oh, that's fine.

Excuse me for a moment.

Honey?

- Something wrong darling? - No, no, all right.

You were very quick!

- Well, you're not wasting time either. - You are right.

I'll be with you in a sec.

(Sound of the alarm)

Who is there?

(Screams)

Ninety-five pounds, for the last time. To you, madame.

And now ladies and gentlemen, the next item of our catalog.

Hepplewhite. How much do you offer for this item?

Shall we say... One hundred and sixty? One hundred and sixty.

One hundred sixty-five? let's see... One hundred sixty-five!

Here, one hundred and seventy... One hundred and seventy-five!

One hundred and eighty, one hundred and ninety... Two hundred!

Two hundred pounds gentlemen, two hundred pounds.

Two hundred and ten pounds for the blonde lady. Two hundred and ten pounds.

- Two hundred and twenty... - Two hundred and twenty pounds on my right.

Two hundred and twenty pounds, for the last time... Sold!

That gentleman over there.

- Pat! - Let's move on to the next item...

What happened to Bennet? I am sorry.

He made harakiri

with a 16th-century Abu Mustafa scimitar with an ivory handle.

He is the only one who mourns him, he left him everything.

- But how do we pay now? - I pawned the clothes.

- How can I... - I'll tell you.

As soon as we find the one hundred thousand pounds in one of those chairs,

you can cover me with mink from head to foot.

- We made it. - Yes, but they say that money does not bring happiness.

- Who says that? - Who has neither one nor the other.

Maybe in a way, maybe I'll be sorry not to be poor anymore.

- In what sense, if I'm not indiscreet? - No treasure hunt,

no longer sleeping with one eye just for fear you run away...

By the way, you don't feel like playing tricks anymore, do you?

No, don't worry, I don't have it anymore. But it was a real adventure, wasn't it?

- This is what I will miss the most. - The adventure?

No, this.

A rich man has no problems finding girls.

- Yes, but... - Here it is. Are you taking it away, right now?

- What is it? - What you bought, honey.

No. I bought item 117. The Hepplewhite.

But this is it, item 117. Bust of George Hepplewhite.

Famous 17th century furniture designer.

- (Mario) Damn it. - But...the chairs?

- What chairs? - The Hepplewhite.

They have been sold, can't you see? They are in those two trucks.

- Why two? - Because the lot has been divided.

Here, take care of it.

- Do you never check what you buy? - And you, then?

- You are the expert on antiquity. - And the two hundred pounds now?

- You did it wrong. - But the money was mine.

Yeah but the chairs were mine, though.

- Albert? Albert. - Who is it?

- Oh, hello. - It's all, Albert. Don't worry, everything is there.

- I can see that. - I'm sorry, but this piece is not for sale.

If by chance you change your mind, let me know.

Stop! Stop, ah!

(Albert) Ah, what is it?

- Ah... Modern craftsmanship. - Now he will be furious.

- Who? - Him. He'll kill me. You do not know him.

Give me that chair.

Tell him they gave you one chair less.

You look miserable. I'll fix you up.

Hey, hey hey.

Oh. Thanks.

If you had warned me there were chairs behind the truck, I wouldn't have...

Hey, let's get some!

- It should be taken as a medicine, not to get drunk.

Come on come on, after all it was just a chair.

(Pat) Let's start with the green truck.

- Excuse me! - She is talking to me.

- Can you gentlemen help me? - I think so.

- Would you give me a ride? - Where do you have to go?

- Where are you going? - Shut up, he's not going anywhere.

- I am going towards Marble Arch. - Oh, great.

- He's a real gentleman sir. - Call me Albert.

- Hey you. Help me. - Don't crash me like the chair.

No, don't die now. The lady is in a hurry.

- What are you reading? - Eh?

"My name is lust". What would your wife say if she knew you read this stuff?

He would say "Hurry up and finish it". It's very beautiful.

It's about a girl who lives in a convent of friars.

And one night, a strange thing happens to her.

- Then it turns out that he is her brother. - Her brother? But it's horrible!

No, she does not care, they get along very well.

Oh, I want ice cream. Look there.

- Hold on. - Thanks.

- Don't you take one? - No thanks, I have to drive.

- What a nice place. Should we stop for a while? - Gladly, but I have little time.

So when the friar returns from Paris they always meet up in the choir

The two girls the friar and the countess who starts playing the organ

But didn't you say he had a wooden leg?

Yes, yes I know, but that was an electric organ.

What happens then?

After having whipped her he takes her to the sacristy.

- But this is anatomically impossible! - I don't know, he can do it. Twice!

- The friar? - Yes, with the trombone.

- Did you find anything? - Yes, two broken ribs and a dozen bruises.

- Good morning! - Good morning.

I'm sorry, dear, but the young lady is busy right now.

- That's okay, you can help me - Me!

Sign, sign here.

Ah, thanks.

So. The two girls meet that Polish count in an abandoned farm.

He has a female anteater named Gregorio

however the count is Polish!

I... I'm afraid of being here for a rather strange reason.

Don't worry, the lady will receive you in a moment.

The two girls leave the rich man, jump on the kangaroo and free the boa from the kennel.

Wait here.

Thank you, the receipt!

Here it is. Take it.

- I can't believe my eyes? You are Pat! - Stanley!

- Is it your gallery? - Yes.

- Did you buy those chairs? - Yes exactly.

- Then we have to have a good talk. - Gladly.

Don't you want to hear the end of the story?

- No, I'll wait for the movie to go on cinema. - But it's already out!

- "My name is Lust"? - No. Another title. They always change it.

- And what's the name? - The nun who lost her veil but not her vice.

Ah.

Bye! (In a whisper) What a woman!

Did I keep you waiting too long, darling? I'm all yours!

- You have never been here before, haven't you? -...No.

My name is Judy. What's your name?

Ah, it doesn't really matter. So... what do you prefer?

Um... That chair.

It will seem very strange, but... I have a great desire to gut her.

- That chair? - No, no. That over there.

- This. - (Judy) Oh! But it's new!

But if you really want to. Nothing else?

No. I also want to... feel it inside.

Yes, as you wish.

Meanwhile, what can I do for you?

- Yes, while you are... - No, nothing. Really nothing.

- Well take a seat! - I know it may sound a little strange

It's quite complicated to explain

Oh honey, there's no question about tastes!

If you think yours are weird, you should see my Wednesday client.

Well, thanks. You're very kind.

- Of course I want to pay you everything. - Of course, honey.

- This is not the International Red Cross! - Of course...

- Do you think twenty pounds are enough? - Yes, they are enough!

Some shilling... for the maid?

- Waitress? - There are overheads, honey.

- Ah, right. Here it is. - Thanks.

- Oh, do you want me to lend you a knife? - No, no. Thanks.

- I have mine. - Oh yes, you have yours of course.

Well, then have fun!

Get ready!

- For social security. - There's another customer.

(Pants)

Damn!

Cow.

Come on.

You were quick!

- Do you feel better now? - Yes thanks.

These things give a sort of satisfaction, right?

Not to hurry you, honey, but...

- Thanks again. - I'm always here, remember that.

I have to say that this is the first time someone asked me that,

but who knows, it might even become trendy!

- See you later. - Whenever you want!

Did I keep you waiting, darling? I'm all yours.

So what would you like to do?

Maybe it will seem a little strange, but...

(Stanley) In one of those chairs?

There are four in your store. Will you let me have a look inside, Stanley?

And you trust me? What prevents me from keeping everything?

- You never would. - Why never?

- Because you have beautiful blue sky eyes. - This is so new...

You called me an arrogant and paranoid prick,

Did I say so? I didn't mean. Did you miss me, Stanley?

- (Pat) Let's not get sentimental. Let's go. - One moment please.

(Stanley) All right, come on.

There is a big difference from the last place I worked.

Then join in. I need a beautiful girl here,

to distract my customers while emptying their pockets.

You end up like that girl, no thanks!

She is getting married on Thursday, then she moves to the Orkney Islands.

Look at that Turner. I have an odd customer. A strange type.

He goes crazy for any English piece from the 18th century.

(Stanley) I want him to buy this Turner. So I can send him the Hepplewhite.

The Hepplewhite? Where are they?

- Barbara, what happened to the Hepplewhite? - They are already travelling.

- Travelling to where? - To the airport.

To the airport? And where are they going?

I already told you, right? To my client. In Italy.

- In Italy? - Yes, me too. At four-thirty.

Well, if it's so important... you absolutely have to come with me.

(Pat) It's the first time I've travelled in first class, I like it!

- You know you have a deliciously childlike quality - I know, greed!

The chairs are healthy and safe.

- I can't wait to tear them to pieces. - Come on, have patience, Pat.

Wait to arrive at the hotel. There will be an upholsterer to fix them.

Look!

Sorry.

- Mr. Duncan, welcome to Italy. - Ah, Commander!

- May I introduce you... - Your girlfriend?

(Stanley) Yes, and my new partner.

However, one seems heavier than the others.

- Stanley, do something! - What for example?

Maybe I can help.

Excuse me, good morning officer. I need that chair, to put with the others.

Don't worry, he'll take care of it. He's a big shot here.

(Pat) How big? (Stanley) Very.

(Pat) Very good!

(Commander) Thank you, officer. Come on, let's go.

- No, no, no. Please... - Ah, thanks.

(Commander) Stefanella, Stefanella!

- My daughter Stefanella. - Nice chairs, where do they come from?

They were supposed to be a surprise. To create the most suitable environment for Turner.

They are too nice for an office. They will be better in our villa!

- Let's put two in my car. - Right away miss.

(Commander) No, we will go immediately to the villa

No, impossible. First we have to go to the hotel.

No it is impossible! There is only one place in Italy for you, my villa!

- Yes but maybe you don't realize .. - In my villa there are so many beauties

Only the... queen is missing

- Wait. - There is a magnificent pool.

You can rest. There is good air.

- Please, only for a few minutes. - I insist!

Stefanella you take Miss Patrizia. Stanley and I have to go to the office.

I may be old-fashioned but you'll be comfortable in place like this.

- With the right person. - Well, I'd be comfortable with the wrong one, too.

- She didn't say where she was going? - She went out in the afternoon with a gentleman.

She only told me to give you this.

"Don't forget. Markau's Theater of the Macabre. Pat"

One of these days I'll choke her!

You silly, you wanted to discover my secrets.

Ignotus! Yes, here I am master.

Not yet in the tower. This fresh, young meat is ripe for my device.

- Have mercy! - The machine is ready master.

Bravo Ignotus.

(Markau) Ah, what would I do if I didn't have you.

(Markau) You are a precious collaborator. (woman) Have mercy!

(Markau) Make her shut up! (woman) Have mercy!

Immersed in evil now without drugs I am not Dr. Jekyll but Mr Hide!

- How do we do for the cop, boss? - Oh, my beautiful new furniture has arrived.

- The cop, boss. - The policeman... you stop there.

You are dear. Thou bountiful gift of the gods.

Go get the cop costume.

What's wrong with that one? Someone had fun.

Well it doesn't matter. He, on the other hand, is fine. He's perfect.

- You've come for that vacancy, haven't you? - Well, I've come...

- For those chairs. - Do you like them too?

I am pleased. A very dear friend found them at an auction.

I am furnishing my home in Surrey, a lovely prefabricated cottage.

In the meantime they will serve to revive the scene a little

They'll add a class touch. And you too, dear.

- What's your name? - Mario Beretti.

(Markau) Mario Beretti... No, it is not a suitable name for an artist.

(Markau) But don't worry, dear. We can change it on the billboard.

What do you do in life, the upholsterer?

Eh the upholsterer? Not me.

Dear we do not give a salary and we don't allow union nonsense.

They come to get experience. Let's learn the lines: first policeman, it's you.

"Sir, I swear I saw the monster there! Among the hydrangeas."

I swear I saw the monster among the hydrangeas.

- What are you doing? - The upholsterer.

You wanted to fix that chair so I thought I'd take that other one away to study it.

- You study your lines. - Theater is a serious thing.

Sir I swear I saw the monster there ..

(Together) Sir, I swear I saw the monster...

among the hydrangeas... hey! It's gone!

(Mario) They are gone!

They are getting a little impatient out there.

(Markau) Oh, the usual bunch of stinky farmers.

However, one should not be discouraged, the worst is never dead.

Where did he go?

Overture... Somehow we will manage.

What are you doing? Stop!

Hey!

No! Put me down!

Put me down. Put me down, beast.

Leave me! This is not the way to treat a gentleman.

Troglodyte!

And who is he? Another would-be actor I imagine.

You hurt me. Ouch! Oh my god, how ugly you are.

He chopped off the furniture with a clasp knife.

- Look, he was gutting your chairs, boss. - Chairs?

These degenerates. They don't know what to do anymore!

Lock it up until the end of the show. Then we'll call the police.

- Here is the police! - Oh Henry you're already drunk: that's an actor.

At least I hope so ardently.

Good heavens, how strong you are. Tarzan!

(Screams)

Hurry up, shh, come on.

That is the last one. Here on the stage is safe. All right!

Turn the lights off. Green lights for the head.

You learned your line, didn't you?

"I swear I saw the monster there..."

- I swear I saw... - Not now, idiot.

(very bleak organ notes)

(prolonged and chilling laughter)

An old beggar half-frozen

just offered me a bouquet of violets, and I knocked her down!

And I crushed her fingers with my shod boots.

Where's the cop? The policeman? Come on. Go find him.

Now I will go to the chapel, scribbling blasphemies

on all the holy books I find.

(Knocking)

I am Fortez your trusty friend, let the cop enter.

(Change of voice) In the name of the Law!

Cops! They must not see me while I'm Mr. Hide.

The antidote!

The antidote. The antidote.

Quick... I have to, I have to be quick. Hurry.

There!

(Applause)

(They laugh)

Oh, I'm myself again.

How long? How long it will take for the evil instincts to take hold of me.

(Knock on the door) Forward Sergeant!

- Come in Sergeant! - (In a whisper) Quickly, soon.

Oh, here he is the upright legal guardian.

Ah, you say.. who could swear you saw the monster... Where?

(Subheading) Sir, I swear I saw the monster among the hydrangeas.

- Where Sergeant? - Oh, among the begonias.

(Audience laughs)

Where is my dear old friend Lord Fortez!

- Here I am Jekyll! - Dear Lady Easington

(Markau) Restrain you pain, nothing bad could have happened to your sister.

Sergeant?

The monster was seen entering the castle, sir.

You annoyed me with this imaginary monster.

- You saw intermittent lights there... - Among the begonias.

- (quietly) which begonias? - Among the hydrangeas!

Sure, violets or poppies...

(Audience laughs)

Calm down my dear, calm down.

It's just a little seismic shock. It'll go away.

Finally oh my god!

It's gone.

A little sherry?

Sergeant, you say you saw the monster enter the castle.

Strange. Where's the butler with the sherry?

I've been in my library all the time.

Deep in reading my beloved books

(Audience laughs)

So who wants a little drink? Dry on the right, sweet on the left

I'm Jack the new butler. I have been sent by the agency.

Come on, drink it. It will make you feel more man.

I take this down to the village. To the dear old Fritz the carpenter.

- Good for you. Bye Bye. - Oh no, you forget it. Lay the bone!

Stop! Stop all of you! Stop!

(softly) What are you doing with that knife? Who do you think you are!

I'm Jack The Ripper!!!

Curtain!

(Markau screams) Curtain! Curtain!

(audience roars) Play the anthem!

Gentlemen, I ask your benevolent indulgence for these technical problems.

In this abysmal chaos the Art...

(The audience laughs and whistles)

Machinists! Down the curtain!

(audience roars)

Up, up.

(Mario) Let go of this chair! (English anthem)

You always think about the same thing!

No, it is not the right environment for cutting up furniture.

But you don't know the whole story!

With fifty percent of what it's inside one of those chairs, I'd be okay forever.

I don't trust hidden treasures.

I knew that harpy Beretti. She tried to give me some rubbish.

- She was just a cheater. - Why did you wait just now to tell me?

- You wouldn't have come to Italy with me. - Thanks.

Why don't you give up your American barber and get in business with me?

Leave those lemons alone!

I'm offering you fifty percent of a gallery on Bond Street.

And one hundred percent of your new partner.

Is this a serious proposal, Stanley?

Do you prefer less serious ones?

God, you really want to make me blush.

You're freezing. You should wear something.

What?

Myself.

It would have been easier to phone him.

To tell him in person is much better.

Okay.

Why don't you invite him to the wedding?

Pat, Pat!

I almost went crazy, asking myself where you were.

- Where have you been? - Read.

(Mario) In Italy. Where? I didn't notice!

How nice is to have you here! Look, I've gutted four more chairs.

- So there are only four left. - And I know where they are.

- Honestly? - Why you always have to doubt my honesty!

All right, I won't do it anymore. If you know where they are, that's great!

I wish.

Unfortunately there is a problem.

He wants to marry me.

And maybe you'll become the owner of a chain of galleries.

It is not to be discarded as a possibility.

Which is always a better deal than the Hepplewhite.

I believe it too.

I say it would be foolish to give up.

- Well goodbye Mario. - Goodbye Pat.

You didn't wait for the bell to ring!

That of the watch! You didn't wait for the alarm.

Come to think of it, it has always been a rather stupid idea.

An excellent idea!

Mr. Beretti please.

Room 33. Do you want to call him on the phone?

Yes, please. Thanks.

Room 33.

See I am very pleased about your marriage.

Stefanella will be happy and so will I.

I too will be happy.

Ugly bad boy! You're a very unbearable little dog!

He torn it again!

Othello! You are a scoundrel!

You have to bring it back to the upholsterer.

My family has a private upholsterer in Paris.

He did wonders with the seats of my Maserati.

No, thanks François. We also have an excellent upholsterer.

- I'll call him. - Again?

Tell him I have a letter of introduction from Mr. Stanley Duncan.

Hello? Pasqualino it is for you!

Pasqualino. I have two more chairs to fix.

Good idea. I am coming.

Good morning. I don't know if Mr. Duncan told him, but I'm his new partner.

So you are doing well.

Can I introduce you to my future son-in-law François De Montalciel.

- And this is Mr.? - Oh, let's say Jackie.

I don't ask for anything better.

- And how is Mr. Duncan? - He's in a terrible predicament.

Those Hepplewhite he sold you could be a rip-off?

Rip-off?

Yes. In fact there is a vague possibility that they may be false.

- Oh, but it doesn't matter. - But of course it matters!

We can't let someone like you keep fakes at home!

I have to...take care of it, sir.

- Take care? - Yes sir. I'm here to buy them back.

(Jackie) They're mine! They are mine. I bought them.

(Mario) Lay the bone.

(Commander) Stop! Take it!

(Stefanella) Where are you going with my chairs!

(Stefanella) Pasqualino, stop it!

(Stefanella) Give me back those chairs right away! - One moment.

(Stefanella) Give them to me!

(Stefanella) Pasqualino take those chairs and check them.

- Hi Carlo! - Uh! Patrizia!

How wonderful to see you again!

You know, your new partner just left.

He has settled the matter and he has already taken the chairs.

Yes I know. You were very kind. But then your daughter insisted to get them back.

- Really? - Oh yeah!

I'll handle that. Girls of her age get attached to the strangest things.

Where's your luggage?

- Stefanella? - Yes?

- Do you like my new dinghy? - To die for, darling.

Pasqualino!

(François) Stefanella! Stefanella! Stefanella!

How horrible to hear that idiot call you.

Moreover, his parents arrive this evening.

Our engagement will be officially announced.

How can we prevent it?

In only one way. If you could announce that I...

I am no longer pure.

You!

- But I didn't do anything! - So what are you waiting for?

Stefanella! Do you want to come on the boat?

(Scream)

(Stefanella - Scream) Help! Help!

- Save him! He will drown, he can't swim!

I am drowning!

Not that one! The other!

No, no, you idiot! Where did he go?

Pasqualino! Pasqualino!

Help!

Oh! What is that?

Take him inside immediately!

Call the doctor! Call the police. No, don't call the police.

Call... the firefighters!

Who are you? What are you doing in here?

I know who you are, come here! It's you, you smashed the chair!

Stop! I'll fix you up!!

Hello Star...

Where are you, star?

Pig! Ugly degenerate, how dare you?

Pasqualino!

Not bad!

Hey! That's my chair!

You're wrong it's mine!

(Mario) Pat, Pat!

You look like the wreck of a deck chair!

They must be in one of those two last chairs.

In the Commander's office.

But how do I get there?

- (In a whisper) Oh what a mess! - (In a whisper) Go, go!

- (In a whisper) Now what? - (In a whisper) Down!

- I came to wish you good night. - Oh yes.

To tell you that I discovered everything about you.

Then you should know that I have a great desire to sleep at night!

- Oh, I don't. - Then why don't you go wake up François?

François is an idiot.

But I find him nice. He has beautiful chocolate-colored eyes.

- Ah! So he has some nice eyes! - Yes yes indeed!

- Do you want to make a deal? - You want your part too.

Not at all.

But if you want to enter Dad's office I can tell you how.

- And what would you like in return? - Him.

Wait a moment. This little girl is blackmailing us.

- (Pat) Don't you understand? - Yes, I understand that.

What am I supposed to do? The crossword.

Here we go. Try to understand, darling, that it is for the common good.

- Tell me your name? - Mario.

- Nice to meet you Mario. - Pleasure's all mine.

Well...

How hard life is.

The readers of the Arizona metallurgical magazine are keen to know

the gross production of your sulfur springs in 1968.

1968. Eh, that was a good year for sulfur.

- I'm sorry, miss. You can't stop here! - Three minutes! Three minutes!

- No, parking is prohibited. - But I have a flat tire, I can't move it.

What about compared to 1928? Am I asking too much?

All right... I'm going to look for it.

(Horn noise) One moment please. One moment!

(Officer) You can't stay here, you have to move. Ah, thanks, thanks.

Put me down!

Put me down I said!

Look what's happening to me! Please put me down!

Enough!

(Commander) Well, 1927... Here, 1928. I found it!

Here... In '28 the production was 18,000 tons gross.

Oh, unbelievable!

And the percentage of... 14.7%

- Excuse me, you seem uncomfortable. - It's just a little hot.

I'll open the window.

This year, like the previous ones, the truck of the orphanage of Santa Rosalia,

(Sister) has completed the tour...

- It's like the story of the prisoner. - What prisoner?

It took him ten years to dig a tunnel to escape...

I hope Stanley isn't too angry with me.

And he found himself in the manager's office.

- Why would he be angry with you? - I disappeared twice.

You're thinking of going back to Stanley.

(TV) "I immediately noticed among the donated objects..."

The truck! What! I saw it in the square.

(TV) "It was by changing the cover that the nun found the treasure".

(TV) "It was Santa Rosalia who remembered us!"

- Excuse me where is this Santa Rosalia? - The orphanage of Santa Rosalia.

- Yes, okay... - Shh, it's a miracle.

A miracle worth a hundred million!

We have to go and get it, it's ours!

Do you want to take it from them?

See that chair? Inside that chair, there was a treasure.

And that great treasure was donated by an anonymous benefactor.

(in chorus) Long live the anonymous benefactor!!

Heard? The anonymous benefactor. It is you!

You too. Fifty fifty, in good and bad luck.

Hey, Mario!

- Mario! - Mario is back!

- Welcome back my friend! - Hey, what's this mess?

- You didn't receive my messages? - No.

- No more inheritance. - You became a celebrity!

- What are you talking about? - Your invention!

Your lotion! All the American barbers want your lotion.

- What lotion? - This!

Santa Rosalia!

They offer you 15 million dollars for your formula!

The formula! Of course.

(Mario) So let's see... It took me a little of this, then a little of this.

And then I added, yes, a little of this. And then in the end...