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1
00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:03,730
PHE PHE: Previously, on
The Hotwives of Las Vegas.
2
00:00:03,766 --> 00:00:06,296
We got pregnant after
we got married
3
00:00:06,333 --> 00:00:09,603
and way, way, way, after
First Lady and Ace broke up.
4
00:00:09,633 --> 00:00:11,673
That a girl.
I'm drinking
for two, now.
5
00:00:11,700 --> 00:00:13,000
(BOTH LAUGH)
6
00:00:13,033 --> 00:00:15,133
My love, get my
bubble cauldron.
Okay.
7
00:00:15,166 --> 00:00:17,496
I'll get it this time.
8
00:00:17,533 --> 00:00:20,633
I always hold the soap for
Vance at charity parties.
9
00:00:20,666 --> 00:00:24,096
I'm excited to introduce
them all to my new
boyfriend, Kelly.
10
00:00:24,133 --> 00:00:25,273
It'll be a
little intimidating
11
00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:27,670
'cause there's a
celebrity present.
12
00:00:27,700 --> 00:00:28,470
Who's the celebrity?
13
00:00:29,966 --> 00:00:32,426
Jenfer and I
are pregnant.
14
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:33,266
(WHIMPERING CRY)
15
00:00:36,433 --> 00:00:38,373
JENFER: I'm drunk,and it's only 8:00 a.m.
16
00:00:40,633 --> 00:00:42,733
FIRST LADY:
I take what I want in life.That's why I shoplift.
17
00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:47,500
IVANKA: I'm not American,but I know how tomake fun of them.
18
00:00:49,766 --> 00:00:51,466
PHE PHE: Say it.Don't say it.
19
00:00:53,633 --> 00:00:56,103
LEONA: Your businessis my business,and business is bad.
20
00:00:58,233 --> 00:01:02,003
DENISE: I love animals.I just can't keep them alive.
21
00:01:02,033 --> 00:01:04,033
CALLIE: People always wantto know what I'm thinking.
22
00:01:04,066 --> 00:01:05,566
The truth is,I'm not thinking anything.
23
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:18,400
I was disturbed after Ivanka's
drought party/bubble show.
24
00:01:18,433 --> 00:01:21,173
Hey, get your
hands off of me!
25
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,000
There is no need
to push me out.
26
00:01:23,033 --> 00:01:24,533
DENISE: No need to push me!
27
00:01:24,566 --> 00:01:29,896
Denise had a nervous
breakdown. And even worse,
I got sat at the small table.
28
00:01:29,933 --> 00:01:35,133
I mean, that is shade that
sticks. So I was glad for the
distraction of my radio show.
29
00:01:35,166 --> 00:01:38,866
We got a great slot,
4:15 drive time.
30
00:01:38,900 --> 00:01:42,400
4:15 a.m., which is drive time
for truckers and meth-heads
31
00:01:42,433 --> 00:01:44,503
which is pretty much
everyone in Vegas.
32
00:01:44,533 --> 00:01:47,603
And we follow thisstripper review show,
The Girth from Perth.
33
00:01:47,633 --> 00:01:51,333
I think the only solution
is to out Prime Minister
Tony Abbott
34
00:01:51,366 --> 00:01:53,526
and get Murdoch out of
Australian politics.
35
00:01:53,566 --> 00:01:56,766
Well said, Keith. Well,
unfortunately that's all the
time that we have for today.
36
00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:59,800
Make sure you come and
check out our live
review show on the strip,
37
00:01:59,833 --> 00:02:02,503
at The Girth from Perth
showroom every single night.
38
00:02:02,533 --> 00:02:04,473
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYS)
39
00:02:13,866 --> 00:02:17,426
These boys are so great.
I've learned a lot about
Australian politics.
40
00:02:18,066 --> 00:02:19,166
And genital warts.
41
00:02:21,233 --> 00:02:24,103
(REPEATING)
Red leather, yellow leather.
42
00:02:24,133 --> 00:02:26,973
My show's called
Leona Talks At You.
43
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,270
It was a call-in show
but nobody called in
44
00:02:29,300 --> 00:02:30,870
so now it's a call-out show,
45
00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:33,030
where I call people and tellthem what to do and why.
46
00:02:33,066 --> 00:02:34,466
(CLEARS THROAT)
47
00:02:34,500 --> 00:02:36,300
You know, like a
good mother does.
48
00:02:36,333 --> 00:02:39,673
MAN: Going in three, two, one.
49
00:02:39,700 --> 00:02:44,130
Hey, it's Leona talking
at you, so shut your mouth
and open up your ears.
50
00:02:44,166 --> 00:02:47,896
Today's topic is how to
have a tough conversation
with a friend.
51
00:02:47,933 --> 00:02:51,573
How do you tell someone
something that you know
is going to hurt them?
52
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:55,230
I heard something that I knew
would really upset First Lady,
53
00:02:55,266 --> 00:02:57,366
so I wanted she should
hear it from me first.
54
00:02:58,500 --> 00:03:03,400
You know, it is so hard to
see a friend walking around,
55
00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:06,603
blissfully unaware that
their life is falling apart.
56
00:03:06,633 --> 00:03:08,733
FIRST LADY: It's the middle ofthe night, is everything okay?
57
00:03:08,766 --> 00:03:10,326
Oh yeah, I'm great, I'm great.
58
00:03:10,366 --> 00:03:12,626
Listen, can I ask
you something?
59
00:03:12,666 --> 00:03:14,596
If I heard something,
60
00:03:14,633 --> 00:03:17,333
would you want to hear
it, even if it was
going to hurt you?
61
00:03:17,366 --> 00:03:19,226
FIRST LADY:
No, I don't want to hear it.
62
00:03:19,266 --> 00:03:21,266
It was obvious she
didn't want to know
63
00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:23,970
so it was killing me
that I had to tell her.
64
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,530
There's a rumor going
around that Jenfer
and Ace cheated on you.
65
00:03:26,566 --> 00:03:28,726
And that she's actually
eight months pregnant.
66
00:03:28,766 --> 00:03:31,166
What? No. That can't be.
67
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:33,330
But she's my friend.
68
00:03:35,066 --> 00:03:38,566
I know Leona is just
looking out for me by not
taking, "No" for an answer.
69
00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:41,300
Though, I was
definitely saying, "No."
70
00:03:41,333 --> 00:03:45,533
(SOBBING) No, I don't believeit, why would they betray me?
71
00:03:45,566 --> 00:03:49,296
I don't know. What do you
think, listeners? Call up now!
72
00:03:49,333 --> 00:03:52,633
Wait, am I on the radio?
You're on the air.
73
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:55,826
JENFER: This is Jenfer inLas Vegas, first time caller.
74
00:03:55,866 --> 00:03:59,596
Lots of rumors aren't true.For example, that one aboutme and Ace cheating on you.
75
00:03:59,633 --> 00:04:02,133
That's just a great example,
thanks, sweetheart.
76
00:04:02,166 --> 00:04:04,866
FIRST LADY: What? You can'tcite that as an example.
77
00:04:04,900 --> 00:04:06,900
Oh, we got another caller!
(CHUCKLES)
78
00:04:06,933 --> 00:04:09,073
The phone is ringing
off the hook, here.
79
00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:13,100
DENISE:
Hey guys, it's Denise, are youguys mad at me or something?
80
00:04:13,133 --> 00:04:17,103
FIRST LADY: Enough of this!Jenfer, did you have sex withAce while I was with him?
81
00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:18,973
I need to know.
82
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,230
That's a great question,
that's a really great
question, hon,
83
00:04:21,266 --> 00:04:23,866
but unfortunately, we are
out of time for this week.
84
00:04:23,900 --> 00:04:25,430
Listen, remember!
85
00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:28,366
When in Las Vegas and lookin'
for some healthy eats,
86
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:31,700
hit up Viva Las Vegans
on Nellis Boulevard.
87
00:04:31,733 --> 00:04:34,073
Their tofu is the jackpot!
88
00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:36,670
Ding ding ding ding!
89
00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:39,330
FIRST LADY: Are youdoing a commercial?
Yeah.
90
00:04:45,833 --> 00:04:49,203
CALLIE: Ivanka did somethingthat I am really pissed about.
91
00:04:49,233 --> 00:04:51,203
Which is why I asked
her to meet me
92
00:04:51,233 --> 00:04:53,503
somewhere that we Wiccans go,
93
00:04:53,533 --> 00:04:56,533
when we need to replenish
our supplies and our auras.
94
00:04:56,566 --> 00:04:58,196
A place I feel safe.
95
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:06,300
Welcome to Tough Topic...
Oh, hey, Callie.
96
00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:09,103
Blessed be the dark.
Hey Todd, dark descent to you.
97
00:05:09,133 --> 00:05:11,373
I'm looking for some
protection totems today.
98
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,100
Sure, they're in the
back by the black lights,
99
00:05:13,133 --> 00:05:14,873
and The Crow posters.
100
00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:16,830
Great.
May darkness shroud your way.
101
00:05:16,866 --> 00:05:19,666
His darkness is our light.
102
00:05:19,700 --> 00:05:23,330
IVANKA:
Callie asked me to meet herat some spooky devil store.
103
00:05:23,366 --> 00:05:26,196
(GASPS) This one's like
the Dark Lord's cock.
104
00:05:26,233 --> 00:05:29,433
And to be honest, after her
rude, competing orgasm
105
00:05:29,466 --> 00:05:31,666
at my party, I didn't
really feel like it.
106
00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:44,603
How are you?
I'm not well.
107
00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:47,870
And I think you
know why.
Why?
108
00:05:47,900 --> 00:05:50,100
Ivanka, like the other girls,
109
00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:53,073
has never respected
my religion.
110
00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:57,030
But this time, she
has gone too far!
111
00:05:57,066 --> 00:05:59,966
Last night, I had a
terrible dream
112
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,100
where you said a lot
of disparaging things
113
00:06:03,133 --> 00:06:07,033
about my religion,
and frankly I'm furious.
114
00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:09,526
How could I affect
your dreams?
115
00:06:09,566 --> 00:06:12,766
(SCOFFS) It is bad enough
that I have to put up
with the snide comments
116
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,900
and questions, like "Did you
get a new cat in real life?"
117
00:06:15,933 --> 00:06:18,373
How else does one ask
"Did you get a new cat?"
But then...
118
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,830
You tell me how else you ask
"Did you get a new cat?"
119
00:06:20,866 --> 00:06:22,566
Ugh! You don't.
120
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:26,230
But then for you to
come into my dreams,
(SCOFFS)
121
00:06:26,266 --> 00:06:28,266
and disparage my religion...
122
00:06:29,700 --> 00:06:31,330
(SOBBING) ...is not okay.
123
00:06:32,733 --> 00:06:36,573
We witches, we suffer
so much for our gift.
124
00:06:38,533 --> 00:06:40,203
All I wanna say is,
125
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:45,633
this is not over and you had
better watch your dream back!
126
00:06:48,933 --> 00:06:51,203
Bye, Todd.
TODD: Bye, Callie.
127
00:06:51,233 --> 00:06:53,703
You see what you're doing?
It's not me. No, it's you.
128
00:06:53,733 --> 00:06:55,273
I do ask a lot of questions.
129
00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:56,630
You're better
than that, babe.
I am!
130
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,470
(GASPS) Good morning, baby.
131
00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:13,070
Hey, there's my
pretty young thing.
132
00:07:14,266 --> 00:07:17,366
ADONIS: I missed you.
133
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:21,370
I'm in a really great
place right now, and
I have got to say,
134
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,100
Adonis has a lot
to do with that.
135
00:07:24,133 --> 00:07:26,033
So this is what
I'm going to do,
Uh-huh.
136
00:07:26,066 --> 00:07:29,526
I am going to get myself
together, go to the spa...
You deserve it.
137
00:07:29,566 --> 00:07:31,696
Yes, and I'm gonna
get myself a facial,
138
00:07:31,733 --> 00:07:33,233
I'm gonna get a massage.
What are you gonna do?
139
00:07:33,266 --> 00:07:35,926
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
140
00:07:35,966 --> 00:07:37,466
What's with the interrogation?
141
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,400
Baby, you have to trust me.
142
00:07:40,433 --> 00:07:41,673
You're right.
143
00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:43,600
Okay? Yeah.
Yes. Yes.
144
00:07:44,166 --> 00:07:46,166
You are right.
I'm right.
145
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,130
I trust you completely.
146
00:07:48,166 --> 00:07:49,526
There you go.
147
00:07:49,566 --> 00:07:51,266
You bought,
you bought a Cessna?
148
00:07:51,300 --> 00:07:52,630
Wow.
149
00:07:52,666 --> 00:07:54,196
Another question.
150
00:07:54,233 --> 00:07:58,333
Adonis was right! I had
asked him another question.
151
00:07:59,366 --> 00:08:02,126
I love the way he
calls me on my (BLEEP).
152
00:08:02,166 --> 00:08:04,366
You know what?
I'm gonna get out of here.
153
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:05,630
It's hard to produce
like this, baby.
154
00:08:05,666 --> 00:08:07,126
I appreciate it.
It's hard to work
under these conditions.
155
00:08:07,166 --> 00:08:08,526
Oh, I know.
You gotta trust me.
156
00:08:08,566 --> 00:08:10,166
No, I know.
Okay.
157
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:13,430
I do. I'm going to
start right now.
158
00:08:13,466 --> 00:08:15,426
You get back to it.
Get back to this producing.
159
00:08:15,466 --> 00:08:18,066
And I'll see you later.
Uh, or not.
There you go.
160
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:19,530
Okay?
That's my girl.
161
00:08:19,566 --> 00:08:20,766
Okay?
(BOTH LAUGH)
162
00:08:21,633 --> 00:08:24,433
Yeah, baby.
163
00:08:24,466 --> 00:08:28,596
PHE PHE: He's really helpingme grow as a person.
164
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:33,773
So much so that I invited
Denise out for a spa day so
that we could get pampered
165
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,400
before Jenfer's baby shower.
166
00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:39,533
Denise and I, we got started
off on the wrong foot
167
00:08:39,566 --> 00:08:41,266
because of Chair-Nobyl,
168
00:08:41,300 --> 00:08:43,370
license and trademarked.
169
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:46,570
ALL: (CHANTING)
Burn the chair!
Burn the chair!
170
00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:49,830
So I just want to get us
together for a spa day,
you know, relax,
171
00:08:49,866 --> 00:08:54,796
see if I could help, because
that's who Phe Phe is now.
172
00:08:54,833 --> 00:08:58,033
DENISE: When Phe Phe asked
me to meet her at the spa,
I was really nervous,
173
00:08:58,066 --> 00:09:00,766
mostly because I'm
never not nervous,
174
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:04,930
but also becauseChair-Nobyl had reallygotten into my head.
175
00:09:04,966 --> 00:09:07,326
(SIGHS) I bet it was
so much worse for me
176
00:09:07,366 --> 00:09:10,526
than it was for those Russians
who melted, or whatever.
177
00:09:10,566 --> 00:09:13,726
So glad we could
do this today.
Mmm-hmm.
178
00:09:13,766 --> 00:09:18,126
You know, just forget
about the girls and the
chairs and just bond.
179
00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:20,366
Mmm, I really needed this.
180
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:24,530
I know I've been hiding
it well, but I've been
really stressed.
181
00:09:24,566 --> 00:09:27,396
(RUSSIAN ACCENT) You want
wax all of, or just bikini?
182
00:09:28,366 --> 00:09:30,826
Of all. Yeah.
You can wax it all off.
183
00:09:30,866 --> 00:09:34,166
There is nothing like getting
your vag and butthole waxed
184
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:37,400
to bring women
closer together.
185
00:09:37,433 --> 00:09:39,873
What's stressing you out,
girl? You want to talk
about it?
186
00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:41,030
(SIGHS)
187
00:09:41,066 --> 00:09:42,666
The divorce, it's been...
188
00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:43,570
(TEARING)
(SCREAMS) Hard!
189
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,000
(GROANS)
190
00:09:45,033 --> 00:09:48,133
I know exactly what you're
going through, trust me.
I feel your...
191
00:09:48,166 --> 00:09:49,296
(TEARING)
(SCREAMS) Pain!
192
00:09:49,333 --> 00:09:50,173
(GROANS)
193
00:09:51,733 --> 00:09:55,703
It's just, I gave up my career
to be there for my daughter
194
00:09:55,733 --> 00:09:57,533
(TEARING)
growing (SCREAMS) up!
195
00:09:57,566 --> 00:10:00,896
Well, I had to be there to let
the nannies in to watch her.
196
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:04,333
Motherhood is the
hardest job in the
197
00:10:04,366 --> 00:10:05,766
(TEARING)
(SCREAMS) world!
198
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:07,230
Switch legs, please.
199
00:10:09,133 --> 00:10:12,103
You know, I was a
dancer, a showgirl.
200
00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:13,703
I could've gone to Broad...
201
00:10:13,733 --> 00:10:15,103
(TEARING)
(SCREAMS) Way!
202
00:10:15,133 --> 00:10:18,273
(GASPS)
Both legs.
203
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:21,070
But now that my daughter
is older, I've met Kelly.
204
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:24,800
And I really like
him, you know?
205
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:27,703
But my daughter doesn't,
and she wants me to break
up with him.
206
00:10:27,733 --> 00:10:30,003
(BLEEP)
207
00:10:30,033 --> 00:10:32,073
See, that's the dilemma.
208
00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:34,600
You've gotta do what
makes you happy.
209
00:10:34,633 --> 00:10:35,973
(TEARING)
Ohhh!
210
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,600
WAXER: Turn over.
Hold butt cheeks open, please.
211
00:10:40,866 --> 00:10:43,066
I mean, look at me.
Look at me.
212
00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:46,800
I am living my dreams.
213
00:10:46,833 --> 00:10:48,103
You look so happy!
214
00:10:48,133 --> 00:10:49,473
(YELLING) Ugh!
215
00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:52,896
Because I am happy.
216
00:10:52,933 --> 00:10:54,533
(TEARING)
Ah!
217
00:10:54,566 --> 00:10:58,296
We put cream on butt crack.
Let dry one minute.
218
00:10:59,933 --> 00:11:02,133
Thank you.
It's very cooling.
219
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,630
So you think I should
stay with Kelly.
Hell, no!
220
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,726
Everybody says he's an
ass and I hate him.
221
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,270
It was really good
to talk to Phe Phe,
222
00:11:13,300 --> 00:11:15,570
but it left me feeling
a little raw in my heart.
223
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,330
And also in my butthole.
224
00:11:17,366 --> 00:11:20,596
I just hope your baby is
half as beautiful as mine,
225
00:11:20,633 --> 00:11:24,073
but it won't be 'cause that's
statistically impossible.
226
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:28,300
When has thinking you're
genetically superior ever
led to anything bad?
227
00:11:32,033 --> 00:11:36,033
LEONA: With everyone on edgelately, I just wanted to dosomething uplifting.
228
00:11:36,066 --> 00:11:40,396
So I decided to throw Jenfer
a baby shower high tea.
229
00:11:42,133 --> 00:11:46,333
You know... Hats, gloves,
just very classy.
230
00:11:46,366 --> 00:11:49,396
And there's no betterplace to celebrate women
231
00:11:49,433 --> 00:11:53,773
than a place thatcelebrates women andall their various holes,
232
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,530
Venus' Mound.
233
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:59,103
Hey, hey, hey!
Where are your gloves?
234
00:11:59,133 --> 00:12:00,803
I need it to look
like England in here.
235
00:12:00,833 --> 00:12:02,473
What are you doing?
Come on! Go!
236
00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:05,270
There's gloves next to
the douche, in the back.
237
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:07,730
(MUTTERING) Jesus...
238
00:12:07,766 --> 00:12:10,996
Hey, Junior, baby, Mommy needs
more sanitizer, can you...
239
00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:17,073
Wh... What is going on?
240
00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:19,430
Get off of him!
Get off of him!
241
00:12:19,466 --> 00:12:22,126
Relax, Ma, it's
just a lap dance.
Just a lap dance...
242
00:12:22,166 --> 00:12:24,096
That's how I met your father.
243
00:12:24,133 --> 00:12:26,473
A lap dance, it's the most
intimate act of love
244
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:28,600
between a man and
a woman, baby.
245
00:12:29,733 --> 00:12:33,133
He's just a baby.
You're disgusting.
Ma, stop.
246
00:12:34,466 --> 00:12:36,796
You don't understand any of
this, you're too young.
247
00:12:36,833 --> 00:12:38,833
Stop it! Look at me!
248
00:12:38,866 --> 00:12:42,296
You're too young for... Stop
it! What is wrong with you!
249
00:12:42,333 --> 00:12:43,833
Look at me! Look at me!What is wrong with you?
250
00:12:43,866 --> 00:12:45,996
I'm a big boy now.
251
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:51,570
(SOBBING)
Eye contact, eye contact...
252
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,100
At least make eye contact.
253
00:12:54,133 --> 00:12:56,733
(BLUBBERING)
I, I, I love him so much,
254
00:12:56,766 --> 00:13:00,396
and I remember when he was
a baby, and all of a sudden
255
00:13:00,433 --> 00:13:03,733
he's going off and doing
his own thing, and
then the lap dance...
256
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:08,330
(BLUBBERING INCOMPREHENSIBLY)
257
00:13:09,433 --> 00:13:11,603
But I had to getmyself together.
258
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,030
Because I had a
baby shower to put on.
259
00:13:15,833 --> 00:13:18,003
Oh, my God!
(GASPS)
260
00:13:18,033 --> 00:13:19,733
(BOTH LAUGH)
261
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:22,096
Oh, my God!
Oh, you look fantastic.
262
00:13:22,133 --> 00:13:24,533
Oh, you think so?
Aw, I love your tattoos.
263
00:13:24,566 --> 00:13:27,266
I didn't know if I
should do more cutout.
You can always do more cutout.
264
00:13:27,300 --> 00:13:30,330
This is amazing, damn it!
(LAUGHS)
265
00:13:30,366 --> 00:13:32,226
I didn't even know there
was going to be snacks.
Oh, yeah.
266
00:13:32,266 --> 00:13:34,466
(GASPS IN AWE)
It's all British.
267
00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:36,770
This shower is so beautiful,
it's making my nipples hard.
268
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,270
Thank you!
269
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:41,330
Look at this one, every touch
is so beautiful and elegant.
270
00:13:41,366 --> 00:13:43,066
I tried to think
of everything.
271
00:13:43,100 --> 00:13:46,330
Now, I have a question that
I don't even care about the
answer, one way or the other.
272
00:13:46,366 --> 00:13:48,566
Sure.
This is just
making small talk.
273
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,730
Is First Lady gonna be here?
274
00:13:50,766 --> 00:13:53,126
You know, babe,
she never RSVPed.
275
00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:56,100
And, she also hates
your guts, so...
276
00:13:57,366 --> 00:13:59,326
I mean, I know
First Lady hates me
277
00:13:59,366 --> 00:14:01,196
'cause she thinks Ace
and I cheated on her.
278
00:14:01,233 --> 00:14:03,203
But to not come to my shower,
279
00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:06,133
celebrating the fruit of
that affair, is just rude.
280
00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:09,403
But today is my baby shower,
281
00:14:09,433 --> 00:14:14,003
a day for me to just relax,have fun and get my drink on!
282
00:14:14,033 --> 00:14:18,373
PHE PHE:
Oh! Happy baby day, Na-na.
283
00:14:20,533 --> 00:14:23,333
Girl. Question.
284
00:14:23,366 --> 00:14:25,396
Should you be drinking
with a baby inside ya?
285
00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:29,696
But this is alcohol.
Yeah, I know.
286
00:14:29,733 --> 00:14:32,873
(SCOFFS) You know I drank
with all my babies and
they turned out perfect.
287
00:14:32,900 --> 00:14:35,270
Just take a look at 'em.
Where are they?
288
00:14:35,300 --> 00:14:37,000
(BLEEP)
289
00:14:37,033 --> 00:14:40,303
Oh, Mazda, Raquelle,
get off that man's lap.
290
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:46,630
I wanted to tell Jenfer
that her drinking was
harmful to that baby.
291
00:14:46,666 --> 00:14:49,296
But then she got drunk
and fell down and I was
laughing so hard I forgot.
292
00:14:49,333 --> 00:14:51,533
(LAUGHS)
293
00:14:51,566 --> 00:14:52,626
It is not funny.
294
00:14:54,933 --> 00:14:58,703
Callie, I love that you
made it today even though
I do not like you.
295
00:14:58,733 --> 00:15:00,973
Aw, the feeling is mutual.
296
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,200
Aw.
297
00:15:03,266 --> 00:15:05,266
I'd like to place a
blessing on this child.
298
00:15:05,300 --> 00:15:06,430
Please.
299
00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:14,670
Place this child in your care
and let him serve you always,
my Dark Prince.
300
00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:19,370
Visit vengeance upon his
enemies and let him drink
their blood
301
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:24,670
and eat their heart,
and may the dead rise
up to swallow humanity
302
00:15:24,700 --> 00:15:27,330
and to serve you always.
303
00:15:28,466 --> 00:15:29,626
Ave Satanas.
304
00:15:32,566 --> 00:15:34,226
That was beautiful.
305
00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:38,296
I don't speak Latin,
but I really appreciated
the thought.
306
00:15:38,333 --> 00:15:41,973
Denise's boyfriend is, to put
it lightly, a (BLEEP) idiot.
307
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,970
(IMITATING DONKEY)
308
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,300
(GIGGLES) He makes
me laugh so much.
309
00:15:50,833 --> 00:15:54,033
Oh, you don't want to put that
in your mouth. Look at you!
310
00:15:54,833 --> 00:15:56,333
(SIGHS)
311
00:15:56,366 --> 00:15:59,026
My love, from the
bottom of my heart,
312
00:15:59,066 --> 00:16:02,796
I just hope your baby is
half as beautiful as mine.
313
00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:04,303
I'm just glad you're here.
314
00:16:04,333 --> 00:16:07,203
I'm glad you're both here
and that you've made up
315
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:09,033
since Ivanka talked bad
about you in your dream.
316
00:16:09,066 --> 00:16:11,796
Oh, no, no, we
haven't made up.
317
00:16:11,833 --> 00:16:15,433
My subconscious can never
forgive the things she said
about me in my dreams.
318
00:16:15,466 --> 00:16:17,466
My subconscious doesn't even
acknowledge her subconscious.
319
00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:19,900
Slam!
(LAUGHS)
320
00:16:19,933 --> 00:16:24,003
Although, it is
getting a little tired
of getting accused.
321
00:16:24,033 --> 00:16:25,973
(INAUDIBLE)
322
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,530
Are you still standing there?
323
00:16:27,566 --> 00:16:29,396
I think she's casting
a spell on you.
324
00:16:29,433 --> 00:16:33,433
Please move. I feel nothing.
My body's immune to spells.
325
00:16:34,066 --> 00:16:35,596
But...
(SIGHS)
326
00:16:35,633 --> 00:16:39,373
Neither of us wants
to ruin your beautiful
strip club baby shower.
327
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,570
So we will suffer
in silence for you!
328
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,600
I wish First Lady
could be as big as you.
329
00:16:43,633 --> 00:16:45,703
I wish she were here but
I don't think she's coming.
330
00:16:45,733 --> 00:16:47,933
I don't think she's coming.
I don't think she's
going to show.
331
00:16:47,966 --> 00:16:49,626
DENISE: Hey, girl!
332
00:16:49,666 --> 00:16:52,126
JENFER: Oh! Oh...
333
00:16:52,166 --> 00:16:55,166
I was hoping you were
the First Lady but...
334
00:16:55,966 --> 00:16:57,196
But it's you,
335
00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:58,573
Denise.
336
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,300
I get that a lot. "I wish you
were somebody else." Ahhh!
337
00:17:01,333 --> 00:17:04,203
(LAUGHS) But I'm not, I'm me.
338
00:17:04,233 --> 00:17:06,873
Anyway, I just really want
to have a good time today,
339
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:10,000
because I am a
newly single gal.
340
00:17:10,033 --> 00:17:14,003
After my talk with
Phe Phe, I decided to
break it off with Kelly.
341
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,573
I knew it was best
for everyone.
342
00:17:17,066 --> 00:17:20,066
I mean, not me so much,
but everybody else.
343
00:17:20,666 --> 00:17:21,766
(SIGHS)
344
00:17:23,166 --> 00:17:26,526
I really like you Kelly, I do,
you must know that, but...
345
00:17:26,566 --> 00:17:28,266
(SIGHS)
346
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:30,200
We can't be together anymore.
347
00:17:30,233 --> 00:17:32,303
No! You're not just
breaking up with me,
348
00:17:32,333 --> 00:17:34,573
you're going to break up
with everybody, including
349
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,630
the Godfather.
350
00:17:36,666 --> 00:17:39,066
(IMITATING) You come
to me on the day of my
daughter's wedding,
351
00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:41,100
you try to break up with me?
352
00:17:41,133 --> 00:17:44,633
I'm so sorry, Godfather,
but we just have to break up.
353
00:17:44,666 --> 00:17:47,726
No, you gotta break up
with Mr. T as well.
354
00:17:47,766 --> 00:17:51,026
(IMITATING)
I pity the fool that tries
to break up with Mr. T.
355
00:17:51,066 --> 00:17:54,496
(SOBBING) I'm sorry, Mr. T,
it's just not working anymore,
we have to split.
356
00:17:54,533 --> 00:17:56,603
Oh yeah, then try to
break up with Donald Duck.
357
00:17:56,633 --> 00:17:58,903
(IMITATING DONALD DUCK)
358
00:17:58,933 --> 00:18:00,303
I'm sorry, Donald!
359
00:18:00,333 --> 00:18:01,533
(SOBBING)
(DUCK NOISES)
360
00:18:02,466 --> 00:18:05,196
It was really hard and
it was really sad,
361
00:18:05,233 --> 00:18:07,303
but it was also
really impressive.
362
00:18:07,333 --> 00:18:10,873
I mean, his imitations...
(RAPID IMPERSONATION SOUNDS)
363
00:18:10,900 --> 00:18:13,600
Anyway, I don't want to
take away from your day.
364
00:18:13,633 --> 00:18:15,533
Thank you, but it's too late.
365
00:18:15,566 --> 00:18:16,626
Oh.
366
00:18:16,666 --> 00:18:18,126
You ruined it.
367
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,530
When you grow up
middle-to-upper class,
368
00:18:24,566 --> 00:18:27,196
missing the tippy-top
of your pointer finger
369
00:18:27,233 --> 00:18:29,973
you don't exactly expect
your life to be perfect.
370
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,870
And yet here I stand.
371
00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:36,700
Here I stand, pregnant with
my first non-bastard child.
372
00:18:36,733 --> 00:18:37,873
Yes!
373
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:39,300
DENISE: Whoo!
374
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,500
All my dreams have come true.
375
00:18:42,533 --> 00:18:43,733
Mmm-hmm.
Aw...
376
00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:45,730
(SOBS)
377
00:18:46,533 --> 00:18:47,603
Hit it.
378
00:18:47,633 --> 00:18:49,173
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
379
00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:51,570
Aw...
380
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:02,700
I wanted to express mylove for my child in themost pure way I could.
381
00:19:02,733 --> 00:19:04,503
By shaking my sweet ass.
382
00:19:04,533 --> 00:19:06,673
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
383
00:19:09,633 --> 00:19:11,003
She's feeling
her power.
384
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:15,730
Hello.
385
00:19:21,866 --> 00:19:23,296
It's his lucky day.
ALL: Yes.
386
00:19:29,033 --> 00:19:30,603
I felt the baby kick.
387
00:19:30,633 --> 00:19:31,633
(SNIFFLES)
388
00:19:31,666 --> 00:19:33,426
Ooh.
389
00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:37,096
Even my baby's dancin'.
390
00:19:37,133 --> 00:19:39,573
I just wish my mother had
done one of these for me.
391
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:40,700
Hmm.
(SOBS)
392
00:19:40,733 --> 00:19:41,733
Too late...
393
00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:50,670
(ALL CHEERING)
394
00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:52,530
Oh.
Yes.
395
00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:53,726
Whoo!
396
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:58,000
(SLOW CLAPPING)
397
00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:22,033
It was really silent and
awkward for a long time,
like 20 minutes.
398
00:20:24,533 --> 00:20:26,373
All right, that's
enough, you two!
399
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:29,170
It hurts my heart to
see you two fight.
400
00:20:29,966 --> 00:20:32,296
You guys used to
be great friends.
401
00:20:32,333 --> 00:20:35,533
Remember last year when you
guys ganged up on Ivanka?
402
00:20:35,566 --> 00:20:38,196
You guys came up with
some killer insults.
403
00:20:38,233 --> 00:20:40,333
"Nazi Barbie."
That's like, gold.
404
00:20:41,933 --> 00:20:42,773
We did have fun
trying to kill her.
405
00:20:44,366 --> 00:20:47,496
Isn't that friendship more
important than any of this
other stuff?
406
00:20:47,533 --> 00:20:49,073
Leona was right.
407
00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:50,530
I have missed you,
I'm glad you're here.
408
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:55,830
(SIGHS) Despite it all,
I wanted to be here, too.
409
00:20:55,866 --> 00:20:57,366
You see? You see?
410
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,470
You should be here!
You guys are deeply
connected.
411
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:01,903
Think about it, First Lady!
412
00:21:01,933 --> 00:21:04,333
Jenfer's baby was probably
conceived in your bed!
413
00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:10,773
(SCREAMING)
You piece of trash!
414
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:12,030
(YELLS)
415
00:21:13,966 --> 00:21:15,566
Not at a baby shower
at a strip club!
416
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:18,230
(BOTH YELLING)
417
00:21:18,733 --> 00:21:20,173
Ow!
418
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:21,870
My nails are
stuck in her weave.
419
00:21:21,900 --> 00:21:25,930
Yeah, my ring is in
her extension, like
her stupid ponytail thing.
420
00:21:25,966 --> 00:21:30,696
I couldn't believe I
was caught in a weave
at my baby shower.
421
00:21:30,733 --> 00:21:32,903
You go down.
Know what I'm going to
do, I'm going to back up,
422
00:21:32,933 --> 00:21:34,433
and then I'm
going to, like...
423
00:21:34,466 --> 00:21:36,726
'Cause I might be
able to unhook...
Okay, okay.
424
00:21:36,766 --> 00:21:37,996
If I just give it a little...
425
00:21:38,033 --> 00:21:39,373
No, okay.
Nope.
426
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,270
BOTH: Ooh!
427
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:42,870
No, no.
That's...
That's all I got.
428
00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:44,030
You know what, I'm...
429
00:21:44,066 --> 00:21:45,766
Can I take a breather?
430
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:48,070
(SCOFFS)
I mean, that's the third
time that's happened to me.
431
00:21:49,033 --> 00:21:50,673
Weaving Las Vegas!
432
00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:54,100
Wow, you guys! That was
a weave fight to remember.
433
00:21:54,133 --> 00:21:58,703
Shalom, y'all! I'm Matty
Green, and you're joining me
on the Cooldown treehouse,
434
00:21:58,733 --> 00:22:02,103
where tonight my guests
will be Meryl Streep and
Meryl Streep's daughter,
435
00:22:02,133 --> 00:22:04,073
whose name no one knows.
436
00:22:04,100 --> 00:22:07,830
We'll talk to them
about Jenfer's beautiful
strip club baby shower,
437
00:22:07,866 --> 00:22:10,166
the pros and cons
of butthole waxing,
438
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,730
and their new
buddy-cop comedy.
439
00:22:12,766 --> 00:22:16,666
And after the cool down,
don't forget to stay
tuned for Eskimo Bitches.
440
00:22:16,700 --> 00:22:20,400
These girls have
50 words for "snow," and
100 words for "slut!"
441
00:22:20,433 --> 00:22:21,473
Damn!
442
00:22:21,500 --> 00:22:22,500
Ciao!
33759
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