Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

Hey, hey, hey, Wacky Race fans!

Hold on to your hats.

Because we're all about to see the impossible.

Dick Dastardly, the cheatingest racer of all time,

is about to win the first race ever without using a single cheat.

-Really? -Wow.

That's a blood-curdling shock.

Tiny electrified.

-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) -(SHUDDERS, LAUGHS)

-(GASPS) -I know. I can hardly believe it myself.

And here... they... come!

(YELLING)

Whoo. Huh?

Uh-oh.

Guess this is my lucky day.

(YELLING)

BRICK: So... darn... lucky.

Well done, Muttley!

Nothing can stop us now!

(SNICKERING)

-(PHONE RINGS) -Huh?

MAN: (ON PHONE)Agent Muttley. We need you.

-Where are you going, you treacherous terrier? -(SNICKERING)

I'm winning!

(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

PETER: Oh, it's too bad. TINY: Sorry.

(SNICKERING)

Where are you going, Muttley?

How dare you slink off while I am soliloquizing!

(YELLING)

It's your fault that I lost!

Yes, I say that a lot but this time, it's actually true.

(GRUNTS)

(NINJAS YELLING)

DASTARDLY: What's going on?

Why is your house infested with ninjas?

They get into everything.

(GROWLS)

(EXCLAIMING)

(NINJAS GRUNTING)

This is why everybody hates art!

(GRUNTING)

Don't leave me! I'm allergic to ninjas!

-(ALERT BLARING) -COMPUTER:Intruder alert.

Extreme counter-measures engaged.

(YELLING)

Oh, that's not so bad.

(YELLING)

(SNICKERING)

How can you afford all this on the paltry pittance I pay you?

CHIEF:Ah. Good afternoon, Agent Muttley.

Agent Muttley? Where?

CHIEF:Hmm. I have bad news.

The Secret Creepy Hangout and Taco Shop for Icky Criminal Krumbs

known as S.C.H.T.I.C.K. is back in business, hmm,

led by your arch enemy Dr. Doomsdoctor.

Supervillain, thief, cliche, over-actor.

Oh, I can't beat over-acting!

Mmm. Dr. Doomsdoctor is building a doomsday machine

which will crash the moon into the Earth.

Agent Z was assigned this casebut has been captured by S.C.H.T.I.C.K. agents.

Your mission is to rescue Agent Z,

and stop Dr. Doomsdoctor by any means possible.

This includes a license to snicker,

and the use of super-secret spy gadgetry.

The first item is an all-purpose tracking unit.

What shoddy workmanship. I bet it doesn't even explode.

-(CLICKS) -(GROANS)

CHIEF:A pair of high-tech nose hair trimmers.

They're also eyebrow trimmers.

You wash them.

What's so great about this?

So, it shoots shaving cream.

Ooh, not just any shaving cream, dear boy.

-This shaving cream dissolves stuff. -(YELPS)

-And a jet pack. -Give me that!

Oh, clearly an inferior product. (SNICKERS)

They're still using the Iridium Q-36 engine igniter.

(LAUGHS) These things never work.

-(YELLING) -(GLASS SHATTERS)

(DASTARDLY WHIMPERING)

-And the indoor ejector chair. -What?

(YELLING)

Yes. And finally, your spy jet.

A jet? Are you kidding me?

(DASTARDLY YELLS)

Good luck, Agent M.

The world is counting on you.

(SNICKERING)

(SNICKERING)

DASTARDLY: I can't believe that you're a secret agent.

Or that you have a jet. You don't have a theme song, do you?

Oh, tell me you don't have a theme song.

-(SNICKERS) -(BEEPS)

♪ Double K-9

♪ He is the spy who's got charisma and fleas

♪ Double K-9 ♪

(SNICKERING)

Oh, so what? I have one, too.

♪ It's time for Uncle Dickie Dickie Uncle Dickie

♪ It's time for tricksies and some lessons for the day

♪ It's time for dancy doggies,happy froggies, slimy boogies

♪ It's time for all the kiddies to come out and play ♪

(PHONE RINGING)

Agent M.

We meet again.

(GROWLS) Razzle-frazzle, razzle-frazzle-razzle.

None of your usual witty banter, my old foe.

(GROANING)Turn back now, or suffer...

(GROANS)

...the terrible consequences.

Oh, yes? What kind of consequences, mmm?

Angry faces? Some light taunting? Penelope singing?

I will blast you out of the sky!

Ten, nine, eight...

That's good enough for me. Muttley, turn this thing around.

-Mmm-mmm. -DR. DOOMSDOCTOR:Five, four, three, two...

One!

Time's up! Missiles!

I'm doomed!

And it's all your fault again!

(DASTARDLY SCREAMING)

Parachutes!

(DASTARDLY SCREAMING)

Parachutes! Where are the parachutes?

(YELPS) A precipitous person has pilfered the parachutes!

This is too much. I need some air.

Too much air!

(DASTARDLY SCREAMING)

Hmm? Hmm.

(GRUNTS)

(DASTARDLY SCREAMING)

(DASTARDLY GASPS)

If you think I'm going to let you save me, think again.

I am still in charge, and I can save myself!

(DASTARDLY SCREAMING)

(COW MOOING)

DASTARDLY: Ow.

(SNICKERING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROWLS)

I got here first.

I am the hero. (YELPS)

What took you so long, comrade agent?

You courageous fool!

You walked right into trap to save me at the risk of your own beautiful life.

Well, if that muttering mongrel impresses you,

you're in for a tantalizing treat.

Dick Dastardly here. Muttley's employer and superior.

No one is superior to Agent Muttley.

(SNICKERING)

MAN: Well, well. The famous Agent Muttley.

How I have wanted to meet you.

And so has my ruthless and evil sidekick, Nighty Night.

(GROWLING)

-(SNORING) -Oh, wake up, Nighty Night. It's time for villainy.

(YELPING)

AGENT Z: Nighty Night, Night Night. Go to sleep now, you bad guy.

-(SNORING) -Oh, not again.

Wake up, Nighty Night. Wake up!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Muttley, this is all... Ooh, stars.

And pixies. Hello, pixies.

(SNICKERING)

(MUTTLEY GRUNTING)

AGENT Z: Comrades, look! There are the S.C.H.T.I.C.K. henchmen

loading the Doomdoctor's doomsday machine on to a submarine.

That seems like an unlikely coincidence.

Oh, stop doing that!

Agent Muttley, why do you associate with such an amateur?

Meh.

Hurry! We must follow!

(SNICKERING)

But we don't even know where they're going!

Don't be a fool! They are going there!

Oh, I've always wanted a skull-shaped island.

(GROANS)

(SNICKERING)

What kind of fancy bath toy is this?

Surely, you have some state-of-the-art cheats.

Oh, look at that big red button! (EXCLAIMS)

That's more like it! I'll bet it does something cheaty.

No, no, no, no, no.

-(BUZZES) -(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(SCREAMING)

Seriously, you really hang out with that guy?

Did you lose bet or something?

(SNICKERING)

Oh, show off.

(MUTTLEY SNICKERING)

According to tracker, the doomsday machine is just around corner.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

(APPLAUDING)

(SNORING)

Schnitzen!

Hello, hi? Is this on?

Well, I just want to thank everyone for coming

to our pre-destroying-the-world team building dance party.

(APPLAUDING)

Before we start the disco contest,

I just want to thank you all for your hard and ultimately self-destructive work,

and remind everybody I'm stillwaiting for a few people

to pitch in their share for the cookies and punch.

Yeah, I'm looking at you, Frank.

Can somebody make sure the new guys pay? Yeah. You in the back.

Maybe we should dance?

We? (SCOFFS) I will not dance with you.

That was never an option.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

(APPLAUDING)

(APPLAUDING)

(GROANING)

Huh?

(EXCLAIMING)

Uh-huh.

(CHUCKLES)

(PANTING)

And the winner is couple number 12!

Oh, that's us! Oh, thank you all so much!

-(YELLS) -I can't believe it.

You put your heart and your passion hoping for a day like this.

But you never expect that it's really, really going to come.

(ALL GASP)

(LAUGHING)

Once and again, Agent Muttley falls into my trap.

This was all a trap?

Of course, it was trap, amateur.

Guards! Take them to the torture chamber!

You'll love it. We just re-decorated.

Can I keep the trophy?

Nein.

(MUTTLEY'S THEME SONG PLAYING)

-(PEOPLE SCREAMING) -(EXPLOSIONS)

(PEOPLE CONTINUE SCREAMING)

(EXPLOSIONS)

Hey there, hi there, ho there, Wacky Race fans!

This is big, bad Brick Crashman

right in the middle of the wildest, craziest,

least appropriate for children's television race we've ever done.

(GRUNTING)

SANTA: Ho-ho-ho.

This kind of plot-less rough housing is

just not suitable entertainment.

Someone could get...

(SCREAMING, GROANING)

That's it. This show is...

(RACERS YELLING)

This really is the best race we've ever had, isn't it, Petey?

Oh, it really is.

I wonder what's different about it.

Dastardly is not here.

As a matter of fact, I haven't seen him since the last episode.

How long ago was that?

A minute and a half not counting commercials.

This is a two part-er.

Commercials? Bad.

But then, where is Dicky?

(BRICK GROANING)

He and Muttley are off on a super cool adventure

to save the world.

You mean that Dastardly found out that Muttley

has secretly been leading a double life as a jetsetting international superstar?

-(SCREAMING) -And he has been caught up

in an exciting adventure to stop a crazy villain from using

a giant magnet to pull the moon from its orbit

and destroy the world?

(SCREAMING)

And at the end of the last episode,

Dastardly, Muttley and the beautiful exotic Agent Z

were captured and are about to face a terrible fate

at the well-manicured hands of a captivatingly handsome captor?

-Why, yes, they are. -(CAT YOWLS)

That was a really good guess.

Except for the part about the bad guy being handsome.

That's not true. Why would you say that?

He's so very, very handsome.

-(SCREAMING) -But, wait.

Some of those locations

and super cool spy stuff look pretty expensive.

How can this show afford them?

Well, it turns out these two-part episodes save a lot of money.

Especially on background painting.

(SCREAMING)

(SNICKERING)

(JAMES BOND THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Welcome to my torture chamber/ man cave.

Have you had enough, my helpless prisoners

or would you like to watch the first episode again?

Not that! Anything but that.

It's like someone dumped hot garbage on my brain.

Do not insult garbage, you amateur.

How did you do that with your hands tied up?

-Like this. -(GROANING)

(CAT YOWLS)

Oh, she slaps you a lot.

-I'm Russian. -Russian?

Well, if won't matter if you're in a hurry

after I use this giant magnet mechanism to pull the moon down from orbit

and destroy the world.

(ALL CHOMPING)

Oh, thank you. Oh, really?

I couldn't have done it without my evil minions.

Did everyone get a bagel?

Your minions do realize your insane scheme will destroy them as well.

Yeah, but it really is amazing what people would do for a free bagel.

I have something extra special for you... (GASPS)

For you, agent Muttley.

I call it "The Terrible Tickle Table."

(ALL GASPING)

Muttley, this is all your fault.

(GROANING)

Don't be rude.

(SNICKERING)

Oh, yes, of course, you'd take her side you half-baked covert cur.

It's clear you'd rather be off wasting your time

adventuring, wearing tight suits,

and saving democracy with this egregious agent

rather than driving very fast in a circle with me.

Meh.

How dare you?

I've had enough of this.

You may consider your employment with me at an end.

Is it possible you guys can work this out later?

I've got a world to destroy and I'm kind of on a tight schedule.

Wait, Dr. Dooms Doctor. Before you activate your terrible machine,

I have something to show you.

(SNICKERING)

That's impossible.

You're tied to Irving. Or Tickle Table, I don't know.

You are no match for my darling Agent Muttley.

Get him, my minions!

(MINIONS YELLING)

(MUTTLEY SNICKERING)

(GULPS)

Well done, Nightynight.

(SNORING)

You may be clever, Agent Muttley,

but you're no match for...Me?

Wait! How?

I'm confused.

(SNORING)

(SNICKERING)

(SCREAMING)

(GASPS)

(SNICKERING)

(SNORING)

(GROWLING)

See? I told you he was handsome.

Oh, look who's talking, hot stuff.

This is fun.

Ugh! Not anymore.

And it looks like Muttley's mad secret agent skills

have thrown the evil Doom's plans into chaos.

The handsome evil villain, you mean.

(WARBLING)

I'll take center square to block.

(EVIL LAUGH)

Exit. Stage impossible even.

-(CRASHING) -Ouch!

(HOWLING IN PAIN)

This is my real face, you diabolical day player.

Amateur.

Not so fast, Agent Muttley!

Huh?

Step away from that button

if you want to save your friend.

Well, I think "friend" is overstating it.

Muttley! I order you to sacrifice the world and save me!

(GROANS)

You fired him. Rember?

Muttley! I'm re-hiring you.

Now, as your employer, I order you to save me.

Don't listen to him.

Muttley!

Enough! Make your choice, Agent Muttley.

The world or this, um, person?

(GRUNTS)

I cannot believe you chose this

cockeyed Cossack over the entire world.

And I'm still a prisoner.

Muttley, this is all your fault.

You're fired again.

(GRUMBLES) Razzle, frazzle, razzle.

So, Dr. Dooms Doctor,

do you expect us to talk?

No, Agent Z. I expect you to giggle.

(LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

DR. DOOMS DOCTOR: Fire the moon magnet.

(LAUGHING) This is going to be fun!

BOTH:Sacre bleu!

-Oh, no. -Oh, man. We're American now.

(MUMBLING)

Agent Muttley, my darling,

please just do one thing for me

before we are horribly and utterly destroyed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Give Dastardly shave. -What?

His mustache smells like nose cheese.

Not my mustache! (SOBS)

My mother gave me this.

(SNICKERING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

Stop them, my evil minions.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS AND GROANS)

(EXCLAIMING)

I'll handle these no-goodniks, my darling.

You destroy the moon magnet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What are you doing, you half-wit henchman?

(GRUNTS)

What is it, darling?

You wish to tell me something about Dastardly?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(WHISPERING)

(ANGRILY) He said what?

Uh-oh.

(YELLING)

(WHIMPERING)

(GRUNTS)

(RUMBLING)

Muttley! You did it!

You may think you've won the day, Agent Muttley,

but in a few seconds, the island will explode,

leaving only one way out.

Through the roof, up there.

Und I seem to be the only one here

with a set of very cool wings.

(EXCLAIMING)

(SHOUTING)

(GROANING)

(LAUGHING)

(DIGITAL BEEPS)

(DR. DOOM DOCTOR CONTINUES LAUGHING)

(SNICKERING)

Agent Muttley, again you've saved the world.

And while I yearn for us to be together,

duty calls, and I must continue the endless fight against evil.

Won't you come with me?

Oh, well, that's fine.

Huh, go ahead if you want to.

I won't miss you at all.

(GRUNTING IN CONFUSION)

(WHINING)

(SNIFFLES)

Uh-uh.

I understand, noble one.

Your place is here with the one who needs you most.

There must be more good in you than I thought

for one so noble to hold you in such esteem.

Well, I admit I do... (GROANS)

You disgust me.

And your mustache smells like boiled cabbage under wet sheep.

You know, I'm going to... (GROANS)

How does she do that?

(SNICKERING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)