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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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(SNICKERING)
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Welcome, history fans,
to the beautiful isle of Greece,
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the cradle
of western civilization
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and home of the world's
first sandwich,
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the gyros,
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which nobody knows
how to pronounce.
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Speaking of lunch,
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waiter, waiter!
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Where is my crunchy
calamari club sandwich?
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I've been waiting
at least 17 seconds.
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Here you are, sir.
Please enjoy.
13
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:46,282
How rude.
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I guarantee
there will be no gratuity.
15
00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:52,418
I am so sorry, sir.
Wrong order.
16
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I should think so. (SCREAMS)
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(SNICKERING)
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My deepest apologies, sir.
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00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:01,226
Please accept this
as a personal gift from me.
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00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:04,925
You seriously think
I'm going to open this?
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00:01:04,999 --> 00:01:08,669
How foolish do you think I am?
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(MAN CLEARS THROAT)
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-(WHISTLING)
-Muttley, eat my lunch!
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Oh!
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Give me that.
26
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Well, you know what they say.
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Beware of Greeks
bearing gifts.
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But I bet you don't know
where that ancient saying comes from.
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This is going to be
one of those
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edutainment episodes,
isn't it?
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Yes, it is.
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No wonder the live comments
are so mean.
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The saying dates back
from the mythic Trojan War very long ago.
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It was a time of brave heroes
and legendary battles.
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Let's go back and see,
shall we?
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We are now
over 3,000 years in the past,
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outside the walled city
of Troy,
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ruled by
that historical wackadoodle, Queen Priam.
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Paris! Oh, Paris, my best
and most wonderful warrior,
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I have great,
wonderful, fantastic,
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I could even say
"legendary," news.
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00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:07,728
Hey, do this dance
with me, Priam.
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I don't wanna!
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Come on, it'll be legendary.
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That's it!
Into the pit with you.
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Oh! Not the...
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
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(COUGHING) No more!
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What are you looking at?
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(STUTTERING)
Nothing crazy, My Queen.
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(COUGHS)
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What were you saying,
My Queen?
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I have finally found
the legendary man of my dreams.
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He lives in Greece. (KISSES)
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So romantic.
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Isn't he out of your league?
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What?
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I mean, he lives in Greece,
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that's like 1,000 leagues
from here.
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00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:46,868
That is totally
not what I meant.
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No distance shall keep me
from my true love's side.
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-(GRUNTS)
-Yes, your wackadoodleness.
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Hector of the Dastardlies,
leader of my armies,
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protector of the sleevies
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where I keep my armies,
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we got to Greece
to take my beloved.
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00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:04,716
I love your thinking,
My Queen.
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But Paris told me
he hates the idea.
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Why, you... Ow!
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-Ow!
-Traitorous... Ow!
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-Ow!
-Ungrateful... Ow!
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-Ow! Ow!
-Ow!
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How much sense does this make?
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-I love doing that.
-(SNICKERING)
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(ALL CHEERING)
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Well, hello, my good Greeks.
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00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:27,169
(ALL GROANING)
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Is this the face that launched
1,000 ships?
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Nine hundred and forty-six
so far.
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Watch this. (GRUNTS)
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(GROGGILY) Nine hundred
and forty-seven.
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That has got to hurt.
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(GRUNTING)
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-My boat.
-Meh. He likes it.
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He says it builds
his chin muscles.
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Do chins have muscles,
King Agamemnon?
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00:03:51,165 --> 00:03:52,895
No, but he's the best
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boat launcher we've ever had.
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You sure you want him?
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He's not very bright.
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Uh, monkey's eat banas
upside down.
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-(SCOFFS) Who needs smart.
-(GROANS)
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To Troy! Quickly,
before they realize what just happened.
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00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:09,815
Do ya'll realize
what just happened?
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ALL: No!
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A crazy lady
with a hand puppet
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just sailed away
with our boat launcher.
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ALL: Is that a bad thing?
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Yes. This is clearly
a matter of honor.
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-(KISSES)
-You could help.
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Look how small my arms are.
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Get back to rowing! (GRUNTING)
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Mobilize the armies!
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To arms.
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ALL: To arms!
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This all seems like
a massive overreaction.
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Yes. It's one of
those legendary ironies that history does so well.
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To Troy!
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ALL: Troy!
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BRICK: From every
coastal village and port,
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the ships of the Greeks
gather and make speed
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towards their
implacable enemy,
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little realizing
that history itself
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holds its breath while...
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What? Am I reading
something wrong?
115
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:02,297
No, no, no, no, no, no.
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This is
an historical voice-over.
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It can only be done properly
with an accent like mine
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that exudes
the proper gravitas.
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Do I come to your house
and tell you how to lose races?
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(IN DEEP VOICE) And so,
beautiful Peter found himself prisoner of Queen Priam,
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behind the mighty walls
of Troy.
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Oh, how I longed
for you to hold me.
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Let me
breathe you in. (SNEEZES)
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Thanks.
125
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Would you like to see me
launch that ship?
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(GRUNTING)
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He really is not super smart.
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You're just jealous.
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Jealous? Me?
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You're not my only friend,
you know, Queenie!
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Hi, I'm Queen Priam,
and I always listen to my bestest friend Paris,
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'cause he is legendary.
133
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Good. This all looks
completely sane.
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(CLEARS THROAT)
Mighty Queen Priam,
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the Greeks have
surrounded the harbor,
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and demand you surrender Peterback to them.
137
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Never! He is mine.
138
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Why, I would rather give them
one of these!
139
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,901
And one of those!
140
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And two of these!
141
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DASTARDLY: Stop! (SCREAMS)
142
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Please, stop. (YELPING)
143
00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:12,608
And slice him into sushi,
144
00:06:12,673 --> 00:06:15,413
and cover him with soya sauce
and wasabi.
145
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(MIXER WHIRRING)
146
00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:18,754
And gargle with him.
147
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(GARGLES, SPITS)
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That is how much
I adore my lovely Peter Perfectus.
149
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Do you really like me
that much? I mean, really?
150
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Needy, isn't he?
151
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You're just jealous.
152
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,933
Oh, my darling,
before I would be
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00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:33,962
denied the sight
of your lovely face...
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Oh, no.
155
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...I would tear you up
like tissue paper,
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00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:39,865
beat you like a drum,
157
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,343
bang you like a gong,
158
00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:43,072
-slap you like a pickle...
-DASTARDLY: Please.
159
00:06:43,137 --> 00:06:44,407
-...stretch you like a cat.
-(SCREAMS)
160
00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:46,172
I find
your unorthodox expressions
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00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,440
of terrifying
love irresistible.
162
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I am yours, My Queen.
Let's party.
163
00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:55,511
I shall inform the Greeks,
My Queen.
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(ALL SCREAMING)
165
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:04,428
Oh, please. The city
has defenses so strong
166
00:07:04,492 --> 00:07:06,832
that only a fool
could fail to defend it.
167
00:07:06,895 --> 00:07:10,095
Then we challenge you
to a race around the walls of Troy.
168
00:07:10,164 --> 00:07:11,974
If we win,
you give us back Peter.
169
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,432
Very well, Achilles.
170
00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:16,141
When I win
with insuperable inevitability
171
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that instinctively
initiates encomium,
172
00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:20,565
you will slink off in defeat,
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leaving me to claim
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this super-cool
Trojan War victory trophy
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00:07:24,612 --> 00:07:27,252
that I just happened to have
in my fashionable skirt.
176
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-Ooh.
-Trophy.
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00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:29,849
Ooh, I want trophy.
178
00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:33,647
No, we must lose.
I have a plan.
179
00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:35,521
-Are you ready? Get, set...
-(HORSE WHINNIES)
180
00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:37,089
(COUGHING)
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00:07:41,728 --> 00:07:43,398
(LAUGHS CUNNINGLY)
182
00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:45,304
Don't even bother, Achilles.
183
00:07:45,366 --> 00:07:47,066
You and those
gregarious Greeks
184
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:51,114
will come to heel
beneath my bodacious boot.
185
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:55,081
Uh, you're wearing sandals.
186
00:07:55,142 --> 00:08:00,142
-(HORSE WHINNIES)
-(PENELOPE GROANS)
187
00:08:00,214 --> 00:08:05,164
Remember, everybody,
let him win.
188
00:08:09,123 --> 00:08:10,323
TINY: Uncool.
189
00:08:10,391 --> 00:08:12,561
(LAUGHS EXULTANTLY)
190
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:15,156
I, Hector of Troy,
191
00:08:15,229 --> 00:08:17,159
have defeated Achilles
192
00:08:17,231 --> 00:08:20,071
in a race around Troy.
193
00:08:20,134 --> 00:08:22,104
(CHEERING)
194
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,199
Great! I get to keep Peter.
195
00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:25,971
Oh, that's, uh, good.
196
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:27,739
-Swell.
-So,
197
00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:29,278
we lost. Now what?
198
00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:31,953
Now, we give the Trojans
a gift of a huge wooden horse,
199
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,412
which we all hide inside of.
200
00:08:33,481 --> 00:08:34,851
They drag it inside, then we come out,
201
00:08:34,916 --> 00:08:37,046
surprise them, and the city will be ours.
202
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:40,017
A wooden horse, ha!
Are you kidding?
203
00:08:40,087 --> 00:08:41,187
That's a crackpot plan.
204
00:08:41,255 --> 00:08:43,055
Cray, dude.
205
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,333
How about a wooden chicken?
206
00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:46,291
-Awesome.
-Who wouldn't fall for that?
207
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:50,500
Chickens are cool.
208
00:08:50,564 --> 00:08:52,274
-Huh?
-I.Q.: Queen Priam,
209
00:08:52,333 --> 00:08:54,873
we go, but we leave
a gift for you
210
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,635
and your noble warriors.
211
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:57,943
And Hector.
212
00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:00,205
Hmm.
213
00:09:00,274 --> 00:09:04,814
No. Don't like it.
Don't like it at all.
214
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,008
(SNICKERING)
215
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,620
Maybe a wooden horse?
216
00:09:08,682 --> 00:09:11,082
No. A rabbit.
217
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:14,661
No, it doesn't match
the drapes.
218
00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:17,822
-Well, that didn't work.
-How about a cow?
219
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:21,131
DASTARDLY: No, no, no.
220
00:09:21,195 --> 00:09:22,255
An elephant.
221
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:24,429
DASTARDLY: No.
222
00:09:24,498 --> 00:09:26,898
-A turtle.
-DASTARDLY: Nope.
223
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,737
A peacock?
224
00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:30,402
DASTARDLY: I think not.
225
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:31,740
No.
226
00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:34,035
Nope. No.
227
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:36,237
No.
228
00:09:36,310 --> 00:09:38,110
So, what about
a wooden horse, guys?
229
00:09:38,179 --> 00:09:41,549
-Out of the question.
-Trojan horse? That is so dumb.
230
00:09:41,614 --> 00:09:45,854
Horsie bad.
231
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,889
Wait, I have it!
232
00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:49,924
No, you can't, that equals 12.
233
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:52,790
(MUTTLEY EXCLAIMS QUIZZICALLY)
234
00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:55,199
Huh? (EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY)
235
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,802
(KISSES)
236
00:09:56,863 --> 00:09:58,333
This just feels wrong.
237
00:09:58,399 --> 00:10:02,599
(MUTTLEY MUMBLING EXCITEDLY)
238
00:10:05,239 --> 00:10:07,309
Muttleus, what are you doing?
239
00:10:07,375 --> 00:10:11,705
Oh, he's found love
with a wooden blockhead, just like us. (KISSES)
240
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:14,378
Please help me.
241
00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:16,698
(ALL SCREAMING)
242
00:10:25,892 --> 00:10:26,932
Who ordered the giros?
243
00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:28,734
It's gyros.
244
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,825
Giros.
245
00:10:30,897 --> 00:10:32,627
So ended the Trojan War.
246
00:10:32,699 --> 00:10:33,769
And... Ow!
247
00:10:33,835 --> 00:10:35,965
And harmony spread
across the ages.
248
00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:40,866
-Giros!
-Gyros!
249
00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:45,451
(SNICKERING)
250
00:10:45,513 --> 00:10:47,713
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
251
00:10:47,763 --> 00:10:52,313
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