Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

Welcome, history fans, to the beautiful isle of Greece,

the cradle of western civilization

and home of the world's first sandwich,

the gyros,

which nobody knows how to pronounce.

Speaking of lunch,

waiter, waiter!

Where is my crunchy calamari club sandwich?

I've been waiting at least 17 seconds.

Here you are, sir. Please enjoy.

How rude.

I guarantee there will be no gratuity.

I am so sorry, sir. Wrong order.

I should think so. (SCREAMS)

(SNICKERING)

My deepest apologies, sir.

Please accept this as a personal gift from me.

You seriously think I'm going to open this?

How foolish do you think I am?

(MAN CLEARS THROAT)

-(WHISTLING) -Muttley, eat my lunch!

Oh!

Give me that.

Well, you know what they say.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

But I bet you don't know where that ancient saying comes from.

This is going to be one of those

edutainment episodes, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

No wonder the live comments are so mean.

The saying dates back from the mythic Trojan War very long ago.

It was a time of brave heroes and legendary battles.

Let's go back and see, shall we?

We are now over 3,000 years in the past,

outside the walled city of Troy,

ruled by that historical wackadoodle, Queen Priam.

Paris! Oh, Paris, my best and most wonderful warrior,

I have great, wonderful, fantastic,

I could even say "legendary," news.

Hey, do this dance with me, Priam.

I don't wanna!

Come on, it'll be legendary.

That's it! Into the pit with you.

Oh! Not the... (MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(COUGHING) No more!

What are you looking at?

(STUTTERING) Nothing crazy, My Queen.

(COUGHS)

What were you saying, My Queen?

I have finally found the legendary man of my dreams.

He lives in Greece. (KISSES)

So romantic.

Isn't he out of your league?

What?

I mean, he lives in Greece,

that's like 1,000 leagues from here.

That is totally not what I meant.

No distance shall keep me from my true love's side.

-(GRUNTS) -Yes, your wackadoodleness.

Hector of the Dastardlies, leader of my armies,

protector of the sleevies

where I keep my armies,

we got to Greece to take my beloved.

I love your thinking, My Queen.

But Paris told me he hates the idea.

Why, you... Ow!

-Ow! -Traitorous... Ow!

-Ow! -Ungrateful... Ow!

-Ow! Ow! -Ow!

How much sense does this make?

-I love doing that. -(SNICKERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Well, hello, my good Greeks.

(ALL GROANING)

Is this the face that launched 1,000 ships?

Nine hundred and forty-six so far.

Watch this. (GRUNTS)

(GROGGILY) Nine hundred and forty-seven.

That has got to hurt.

(GRUNTING)

-My boat. -Meh. He likes it.

He says it builds his chin muscles.

Do chins have muscles, King Agamemnon?

No, but he's the best

boat launcher we've ever had.

You sure you want him?

He's not very bright.

Uh, monkey's eat banas upside down.

-(SCOFFS) Who needs smart. -(GROANS)

To Troy! Quickly, before they realize what just happened.

Do ya'll realize what just happened?

ALL: No!

A crazy lady with a hand puppet

just sailed away with our boat launcher.

ALL: Is that a bad thing?

Yes. This is clearly a matter of honor.

-(KISSES) -You could help.

Look how small my arms are.

Get back to rowing! (GRUNTING)

Mobilize the armies!

To arms.

ALL: To arms!

This all seems like a massive overreaction.

Yes. It's one of those legendary ironies that history does so well.

To Troy!

ALL: Troy!

BRICK: From every coastal village and port,

the ships of the Greeks gather and make speed

towards their implacable enemy,

little realizing that history itself

holds its breath while...

What? Am I reading something wrong?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is an historical voice-over.

It can only be done properly with an accent like mine

that exudes the proper gravitas.

Do I come to your house and tell you how to lose races?

(IN DEEP VOICE) And so, beautiful Peter found himself prisoner of Queen Priam,

behind the mighty walls of Troy.

Oh, how I longed for you to hold me.

Let me breathe you in. (SNEEZES)

Thanks.

Would you like to see me launch that ship?

(GRUNTING)

He really is not super smart.

You're just jealous.

Jealous? Me?

You're not my only friend, you know, Queenie!

Hi, I'm Queen Priam, and I always listen to my bestest friend Paris,

'cause he is legendary.

Good. This all looks completely sane.

(CLEARS THROAT) Mighty Queen Priam,

the Greeks have surrounded the harbor,

and demand you surrender Peterback to them.

Never! He is mine.

Why, I would rather give them one of these!

And one of those!

And two of these!

DASTARDLY: Stop! (SCREAMS)

Please, stop. (YELPING)

And slice him into sushi,

and cover him with soya sauce and wasabi.

(MIXER WHIRRING)

And gargle with him.

(GARGLES, SPITS)

That is how much I adore my lovely Peter Perfectus.

Do you really like me that much? I mean, really?

Needy, isn't he?

You're just jealous.

Oh, my darling, before I would be

denied the sight of your lovely face...

Oh, no.

...I would tear you up like tissue paper,

beat you like a drum,

bang you like a gong,

-slap you like a pickle... -DASTARDLY: Please.

-...stretch you like a cat. -(SCREAMS)

I find your unorthodox expressions

of terrifying love irresistible.

I am yours, My Queen. Let's party.

I shall inform the Greeks, My Queen.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, please. The city has defenses so strong

that only a fool could fail to defend it.

Then we challenge you to a race around the walls of Troy.

If we win, you give us back Peter.

Very well, Achilles.

When I win with insuperable inevitability

that instinctively initiates encomium,

you will slink off in defeat,

leaving me to claim

this super-cool Trojan War victory trophy

that I just happened to have in my fashionable skirt.

-Ooh. -Trophy.

Ooh, I want trophy.

No, we must lose. I have a plan.

-Are you ready? Get, set... -(HORSE WHINNIES)

(COUGHING)

(LAUGHS CUNNINGLY)

Don't even bother, Achilles.

You and those gregarious Greeks

will come to heel beneath my bodacious boot.

Uh, you're wearing sandals.

-(HORSE WHINNIES) -(PENELOPE GROANS)

Remember, everybody, let him win.

TINY: Uncool.

(LAUGHS EXULTANTLY)

I, Hector of Troy,

have defeated Achilles

in a race around Troy.

(CHEERING)

Great! I get to keep Peter.

Oh, that's, uh, good.

-Swell. -So,

we lost. Now what?

Now, we give the Trojans a gift of a huge wooden horse,

which we all hide inside of.

They drag it inside, then we come out,

surprise them, and the city will be ours.

A wooden horse, ha! Are you kidding?

That's a crackpot plan.

Cray, dude.

How about a wooden chicken?

-Awesome. -Who wouldn't fall for that?

Chickens are cool.

-Huh? -I.Q.: Queen Priam,

we go, but we leave a gift for you

and your noble warriors.

And Hector.

Hmm.

No. Don't like it. Don't like it at all.

(SNICKERING)

Maybe a wooden horse?

No. A rabbit.

No, it doesn't match the drapes.

-Well, that didn't work. -How about a cow?

DASTARDLY: No, no, no.

An elephant.

DASTARDLY: No.

-A turtle. -DASTARDLY: Nope.

A peacock?

DASTARDLY: I think not.

No.

Nope. No.

No.

So, what about a wooden horse, guys?

-Out of the question. -Trojan horse? That is so dumb.

Horsie bad.

Wait, I have it!

No, you can't, that equals 12.

(MUTTLEY EXCLAIMS QUIZZICALLY)

Huh? (EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY)

(KISSES)

This just feels wrong.

(MUTTLEY MUMBLING EXCITEDLY)

Muttleus, what are you doing?

Oh, he's found love with a wooden blockhead, just like us. (KISSES)

Please help me.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Who ordered the giros?

It's gyros.

Giros.

So ended the Trojan War.

And... Ow!

And harmony spread across the ages.

-Giros! -Gyros!

(SNICKERING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0