Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

(GIGGLING)

(KISSING)

(SQUIRRELS CHIRPING)

(SIGHS)

DASTARDLY: (SCREAMING) Muttley!

What is taking that majordomo mutt so long?

The Dick Dastardly Fan Club is arriving at any moment,

and I must be dressed to impress.

My fanatic fans have been camping out all night...

No, too frilly.

...quivering in quixotic anticipation...

Not frilly enough.

...of the magnificent...

Too retro.

...moment they finally get to place their peepers upon me.

and I shall not disappoint.

(MUTTLEY GASPING)

Ah! Perfect.

(GRUMBLES)

DASTARDLY: Ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together for the one, the only,

Dick Dastardly.

Thank you. Thank you, very much.

(SNIFFS)

Muttley!

That miscreant muppet is my entire fan club?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh!

Let's just get this over with.

Next.

Oh, my gosh. I can't believe this is really happening.

Hi, Mr. Dastardly.

I'm Rigby Ruttles,

President, Secretary, Treasurer and Charter Member

of the North Mid-Western Tri-City Subchapter

at the Dick Dastardly International Booster Club

and Fan Fiction Literary Society.

It's a privilege to finally meet you.

Oh, I know so much about you,

I feel like we're already super bestest friends. (LAUGHS)

I'm sure we'll get along great because we're so much alike.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

This is my dog, Ruttley,

your second biggest fan.

Would you sign his tummy?

Anything to get through this little charade.

If you don't mind, I brought one or two other items for you to sign.

Just your basic fan club stuff...

Some of your mail, one of your old toothbrushes,

a picture of you sleeping, a picture of you sleeping in the trunk of my car,

a picture of you waking up in the woods...

I believe we're done here.

Mr. Dastardly, do you think I could possibly

spend some time getting to know you?

For the club newsletter.

Not because I'm so totally obsessed with your life

that I'm trying to learn your cheating techniques and replace you or anything.

-Very well. -(SQUEALS)

But you are limited to watching me adoringly

from a distance of no less than three feet

and there will be no eye contact.

(SNICKERING)

(WHEEZING AND COUGHING)

(GROWLING)

(BEEPS)

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(CRYING)

(DINGS)

(MEOWING)

(MEOWING)

DASTARDLY: This is where the magic happens.

My solarium of solitude for designing deceits,

dodges and diabolical deeds.

I have a rare treat for you.

My portentous project is in devious development.

Behold! The rocket-launching armadillo.

Its proximity to the ground allows it to avoid radar systems.

However, there is one minor wrinkle in the projectile delivery system.

-Let's see. -Wait!

(ALARM BLARING)

(SCREAMING)

I see your problem, it's an easy fix.

Beginner's luck.

Moving on, we come to another addition to my awesome animal arsenal.

The frill-neck lizard.

His collared neck gives him the jovial appearance of a medieval clown.

But, beware! He can blind an opponent with a single blast of lizard liquid.

Ugh!

Of course, there are still a few bugs in the system.

-(LIZARD BURPS) -(FLIES BUZZING)

I see the problem. This lizard is near-sighted.

I guess that will work as a stopgap solution.

Hey, is this some kind of sound weapon?

Indeed it is, dear child.

This is a sonic device that emits terrorizing tremors,

which will immobilize even the most indomitable...

Cool.

-(WHIRRING) -(BARKING)

DASTARDLY: Unfortunately, only savage dingos can hear it.

Ow, ow.

Oh, allow me.

-(WHIRRING) -(SIREN BLARING)

(BIRDS GASP)

What's that?

Only an intellect as vast as my own

could even begin to grasp the complexities of this...

"Master plan to destroy the others' racers'

"nearly indestructible vehicles once and for all"?

...scheme. Drat!

Too bad it won't work.

What? And why not?

(SIGHS) You start by luring the racers

out of their vehicles with a lost puppy.

Then you proceed to use the puppy

to lead the racers to a lion's den.

-(GROWLING)-Once the racers are busy trying to escape their doom,

you dig a hole with a steam shovel and put their cars inside.

Then you activate a weather machine

and spray hydrogen peroxinateinto the clouds,

seeding them to drop a torrent of acid rain.

The rain dissolves the vehicles,

taking months or even years to finish the job.

Far too late to win the race.

(SCOFFS) Obvious really.

I have spent three years planning this ploy,

and it's perfect.

I'll prove it with this half scale model.

-(SCREAMS) -(FABRIC TEARS)

See? You need to simplify.

Well, if it's so easy, let's see you do it.

Oh!

That's it! You think you're better than me?

Well, I'll give you a chance to show it.

Tomorrow, we shall race to prove which of us is the greatest schemer.

(GASPS) Oh, really?

Oh, thank you, Mr. Dastardly, sir. Thank you.

I should go get ready.

That girl is up to something.

I feel it in my bones.

Hey, hey, Wacky Race fans. Brick Crashman here with the wacky racers...

(GIBBERISH CHATTER)

...who are joining me in the announcers' booth today

to help announce a special grudge race

between professional car racer, Dick Dastardly

and a sweet little girl.

Oh, gosh, Mr. Dastardly, this is such an honor for me,

so I left you a little thank you present.

Bah!

Good luck, Mr. Dastardly.

Hm.

Come on, Dastardly, shake her hand.

Absolutely under no circumstances whatsoever.

This kid is a cheater, she's probably got a bomb up her sleeve.

Mmm-mmm.

Oh, right. The kid's a cheater.

Sad.

Racers, start your engines.

(ENGINES IGNITING)

(COUGHING)

And the race is on.

(CACKLING)

Drat!

-(BARKING) -(DASTARDLY SCREAMING)

Wait. I made the record this week. I can be part of the plot.

See, I told you. She's cheating already.

Oh, please! Stop blaming a child for your mistakes.

BELLA: Not cool, Dastardly. Not cool.

(ENGINE ROARING)

(SCREAMING)

Muttley, activate the snagglepoon.

There are no small parts, only small actors.

Exit stage up.

Scrappy dappy boo.

She's a slick one.

But let's see how she deals with an oil slick.

Wuttley, activate the biggest fan.

Super hero movies are well-crafted.

It doesn't matter how bad the first two hours of the film are,

the last two minutes are shocking.

Animation is not a genre.

Rigby's mad millennial tech skills are the equal of mine,

so I'll have to go old school.

Word.

Bring it, boomer!

Ha! That proves practical skills cannot be learned off the internet.

What wins the day is experience and treachery.

Uh-oh. (DASTARDLY SCREAMS)

Or looking up the race route on the Wacky Maps app.

(YELLING)

Ow, ow.

(PARADE MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Dicky. How's your race going?

I'm having a pretty strange day myself.

(DASTARDLY CRYING)

Now is my long outlined opportunity

to retroactively replace Dick Dastardly in the Wacky Races.

(STRAINING)

There's only one thing left to do.

I shall unleash this episode's ultimate weapon.

Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.

-(GROWLING) -No, not you!

Victory shall be mine! (LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(MUTTLEY GRUMBLES)

(GASPS) But wait!

If I blow up my only fan, there will be no more Dick Dastardly Fan Club.

Oh, what have I done!

The Dick Dastardly Fan Club must survive.

No matter the cost.

Perfect! Victory is mine.

(DASTARDLY CRYING)

And a little kid in a golf cart beats Dick Dastardly for the win.

Wow! That has got to hurt.

I mean, emotionally. And not just because he's on fire.

Children are the future.

Dastardly, that was amazing.

The most amazing display of ego and insanity I have seen since last week.

Darling, you need serious help.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I understand now. Dastardly did this to teach me a lesson.

He's encouraged me to be myself,

to take on the world with the gifts I've been given and be my own person.

No, that's exactly the opposite of what I was trying to do.

Thank you, Mr. Dastardly. I won't let you down.

Here's a little something I made just for you.

Aww! Wasn't that nice?

Yeah. Aren't you gonna open it, Dicky?

The future is in good hands.

(SNICKERING)

(WHEEZING AND COUGHING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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