Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

Hey, hey, Wacky Race fans, Brick Crashman here,

in the charming village of Stackendoodle Burgenhauser,

capital of Vulgaria.

This old-world hamlet

is legendary for its excruciating friendliness.

Ow! (STRAINING) Really, really friendly.

Stop it, will you? I'm working!

Today, Vulgaria is crowning its new king,

Prince Blanderhooven Von Stuffenwaffel,

and is celebrating with a royal race.

And here comes the king-to-be now.

Hello! Hello!

Who wants to get ice cream?

Oh, hello! Hello!

Isn't it a lovely day? Toodles!

Greetings, my loving subjects.

You are all looking just smashing today.

And there is the Prince's power man uncle

and temporary ruler of Vulgaria...

-Peasant! Peasant! -...until the Prince's coronation,

-the noble count, Count Insidious Carbuncle. -Peasant!

Tell us, Count, are you looking forward to all your new free time

after the Prince's coronation forces you out of power

into a boring, dreary and meaningless life

in which you'll be quickly forgotten in history?

-Peasant! -(YELPS)

-Pheasant! -Isn't it a lovely day?

-Pleasant! -I'll take that as a "maybe."

Oh, my! (EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)

Hello there, you. You must be the Wacky Racers.

It's simply smashing to meet you all.

Really it is. Simply smashing. (LAUGHS)

Bleh! The Prince is the spitting image of Dastardly.

Uh-huh, no spitting. (GROANS)

Hmm, that gives me an idea,

worthy of an episodic television adventure series guest villain.

If I replace our do-gooder prince

with that hideously deformed racer person,

I would keep my evil stranglehold on this country forever!

(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)

-Peasant! -(YELPS)

-Your Highness? -Hello there.

-Would you like to start the race? -Oh, what fun.

I'm ever so grand at starting things.

Start the race, you mutton-headed monarch!

(LAUGHS) He's a nasty one.

Off you go, you wonderful racers, you. Tally-ho!

-(ENGINES REVVING) -(TIRES SCREECHING)

(BRICK GRUNTING, COUGHING)

MUTTLEY: Hmm?

-(MUTTLEY GASPS) -(ENGINE REVS)

Muttley, activate the--

Muttley, why is there a rope tied around my-- (SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS) You! What do you think you're doing?

-This. -(GROANS)

(DASTARDLY GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, my silly sausages.

I hardly think that's appropriate pork for a bag.

What's going on? Where am I? Who are you?

Why are the best cartoons only available on the Internet?

I am Count Insidious Von Carbuncle,

rapacious regent of Vulgaria,

-and your sadistic captor. -Oh!

It is my ingenious plan to replace the real Prince with you,

-so that I may keep power-- -Yes, yes, yes, I've readThe Prince and the Pauper.

We do this plot all the time.

I utterly refuse to have anything to do

with such a despicable, duplicitous, downright devious--

I'll make you Vulgaria's racing champion for life.

I'll do it.

Dastardly? Dastardly, where are you?

Dastardly, are you in there?

Dicky? Oh, Dicky old buddy?

Yoohoo, nasty fellow?

Are you about, you dear, terrible man, you?

-Yoohoo! -Got you.

Prince, where'd you go, new buddy?

Oh, there you are. I've missed you.

Get your hands off me, you noodle brain--

Um, new... New friend. (CHUCKLES DRYLY)

I say, old bean, uh, time I pop off back to the castle for my coronation.

-Don't you know. -What about finding Dastardly?

Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine.

From what I've heard, Richard Milhous Dastardly

is a world-renowned raconteur, athlete, inventor, orator, bon vivant

and creative genius.

Dicky? Ha! You're funny.

(GRUMBLES)

Ouch! Ow! That's too tight.

Ow! Ouch!

This is some quality mirrors you got going on here, new buddy.

Mind if I take it for a spin?

So, Prince Von Stuffenwaffel,

I'd love to hear more about your plans to help your people.

I do have a series of rather brilliant reforms

designed to stimulate the economy.

My first act as King will be to create a new holiday called "King Day."

Then, I'm cutting taxes on all rich people,

and raising them on poor people.

But, aren't rich people the one with all the money?

Perfidious peasant propaganda!

-You clearly don't understand economics! -PETER: Ow!

There's something fishy going on around here.

Um, how so?

You're not like the Prince I read about.

Don't believe anything you read.

Especially don't believe that! It's fake news.

Hmm, "Discuss evil plans, replace Prince,

"be coronated in his place,

"enact poorly thought of economic policy"?

(GASPS) Why, this is a very evil to-do list.

You're not the Prince! You're Dastardly!

And you're working with Count Carbuncle.

What have you done with the real Prince?

Stay back. I don't respond to threats.

But I do respond extraordinarily well to violence.

Carbuncle has the Prince locked up in the tower.

You'll remain here as my prisoner, Prince Stuffenwaffel,

until after the coronation when that fool, Dastardly, is crowned in your place.

Then he shall name me Regent, and I will deal with you both.

PENELOPE: Then I'd start dealing, Count.

Ha! Didn't count on us, did you, Count?

Oh, look, it's the good guys. (LAUGHS) How marvelous.

Huzzah! Huzzah, I say!

Curses! My plans are foiled. I surrender.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, uh, that was easy.

Hmm, that's every strange. This episode wrapped up several minutes early.

You don't suspect the writers are leaving time

for an unexpected plot twist,

-do you? (GASPS) -(DOOR CLOSES)

-(SNICKERING) -MEN: Plot twist!

And now, I'm off to be King. So long, suckers.

You are tower guards, are you not?

Oh, we're the best tower guards

in all of Stackendoodle Burgenhauser, Your Highness.

But, actually, there's not a lot of competion. This is the only cell.

Fine. Then as your Prince, I order you not to let these prisoners out,

-until after my coronation. -Oh, just as you say, Sire.

We will let everyone out for the coronation.

No, don't let anyone out until after the coronation.

Don't start coronation until after we let everyone out, got it.

No! Keep them in there!

-(CHUCKLES) Well, obviously. -Good.

So, I'll let 'em out now, shall I?

For the last time, don't let these prisoners out

until after my coronation.

Oh, you should've said that the first time.

Remind me to banish you after I'm King.

-Will do, Your Highness. -I'll write it in my reminder binder.

Do you have a pencil, and a reminder binder?

I hate you.

Yoohoo, guards! You can let us out now.

Oh, I don't think so. No.

Yeah, we're not as dopey as we look.

But your Prince commands you to let us out. Tell 'em, Prince.

Oh, uh, yes. (CHUCKLES) What she said.

Hey, how'd you get back in the cell? That's impossible.

Unless, you're magic.

I am? (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) How nice for me. Huzzah!

Yes! The Prince is magic. So let him out.

Hey, if he's all magic, why can't he let himself out?

He already has. Just look out the window.

Well, I'll be. The Prince is down there, all right.

I better let him out, so he can catch up with himself.

Good people of Vulgaria,

we are here today to crown the new king.

But first, the history of the Vulgarian monarchy is a long and boring one...

(CLEARS THROAT) ...which I will tell right now.

(SIGHS)

Long ago, many years in the past,

people used to imagine the future, which is now the present,

and uh, the time stream... Not a stream like a,

like a river-type stream. (STUTTERS) It's a stream of...

Now, all we have to do is stop this ceremony

and replace Dastardly with the real Prince.

Where is the Prince?

He's disappeared.

He is magic! Cool!

He must have wandered off somewhere between the tower and here.

Hello, nice racer people?

I seem to have taken this "wrong turn" thingy. Hello?

We have to stop Dastardly becoming King.

One of us has to take Dastardly's place

-until we can find the Prince. -But how do we do that?

Well, I do think strictly about the rook.

I mean, uh, book. I do move diagonally, occasionally.

-(GROANING) -I can also move in other directions as well.

That's enough! Just get to the part where you crown me!

Oh... (STUTTERS) Of course, Your Highness.

To complete the ceremony, we need three things.

A royal candidate, a royal crown and the royal seal.

And, here he is.

-(BARKS) -(GASPS)

(ALL CHEERING)

Seriously?

With these three requirements met,

I crown you, King of Vul--

(BARKING)

What are you waiting for?

Well, we've got to have the seal to complete the ceremony.

(SIGHS) Oh, good grief, I'll get him.

Okay, let's get this show on the road.

Oh, Your Highness, uh, you look-- Ooh, different.

Thanks, I've been working out.

-Chop, chop, Bishop. -(SEAL BARKING)

I hereby proclaim Prince Von Stuffenwaffel to be...

Okay, Bishop, king me.

(MEOWING)

Oh, my goodness, my Prince. You-- You've grown.

-(MEOWS) -Prince eat kitty.

He means vegetables.

Prince eat vegetables and kitty.

-Whoa! -(MEOWS)

Crown me, and I'll be king.

(STUTTERING) Crown. Of course, my Prince.

Wait, this seal hasn't had its shot yet.

I can't let him spread seal flu.

This is getting ridiculous.

Tell me about it.

Hurry up, and crown me! I have a reign of terror to get underway.

Uh, immediately, Your Highness.

(HARP MUSIC PLAYING)

-(GASPS) -(CRASHES)

Hurry up, I've got matters of grave importance to attend to.

Okay, okay.

If you're ready, Your Highness.

I'd like to check my hair. Do you have a mirror?

Oh, I think so.

(GROANS)

-(PETER GROANING) -Yeah, I did have a mirror, Your Majesty.

I don't care! Crown me,

you conveniently confused cleric.

At last, the crown is mine!

-(BLOWS) -(COUGHING)

(COUGHING)

And now-- Uh, Your Highness?

Down here, bub.

He's not the Prince. I'm the Prince.

No, no, I'm the Prince.

(LAUGHS) Hey, that's mine.

(GRUNTS)

Tiny, King.

I'm dead set on being King.

-(GRUNTS) -I'm too pretty not to be King.

-(GRUNTS) -The crown is mine.

-No, it's mine. I'm the King. -Give it to me!

No! Me!

-(BOTH GRUNT) -I'm the King already.

Peasant! You're all peasants!

No! No! No!

Crown me! I demand you crown me at once!

Simply smashing entertainment for the coronation, isn't it?

COUNT CARBUNCLE: Peasant!

(LAUGHS) We should do these more often.

(SNICKERING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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