Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

-Good day, madam. -Good day, kind sir.

What a simply spiffy day.

Watch where you're going, you wandering wastrel.

One more word out of your pusillanimous pie hole

and I'll drop you like the stock market.

Go suck an egg, stinkbabber.

(CRASHING)

Extra, extra. Mysterious purple ray from Pluto

turning population into super-weird looking jerkadoodles.

That's fake news, you bellicose broadcaster.

(YELLS)

He is the bumping guy, mister.

What he said, you noxious newsie.

(FAINT LAUGHTER)

Newspaper, Mister.

Thanks. Here's a nickel. Keep the change.

Jeepers! Really?

23 skidoo.

My ship's come in.

I'm so happy, I gotta say.

You call this a tip, cheapskate?

Hmm... There's definitely something fishy about all this.

Someone should do something.

Hi, I'm girl reporter Penelope Pitstop.

Did I hear you say you were gonna save the world?

I need some sort of rocket ship.

Could I foot it along with you?

This story could be my big break.

If you were a rocket ship, where would you be?

Under a rock, maybe?

(PANTING)

Excuse me, please?

I am famed physicist Dr. I-Am Smarten-Pantsen-Howzer

and I am rushing to my controversial protype rocket ship

that all my fellow science guys make fun of me about

and say will never work.

What luck!

No, it's kind of mean, actually.

Look here, Dr. Snugglepants.

Smarten-Pantsen-Howser.

Mart-tarten-pantsen-sniffer?

Smarten-Pantsen-Howzer, like it is spelled.

Look, Dr. Smarts. We need a rocket to get us to Pluto

so I can save the Earth by punching a bad guy.

How do you know there's a bad guy?

(LAUGHS) That's cute, doll-face.

This is a good, old-fashioned, red, white and blue two-fisted space adventure.

PETER: There has to be a bad guy who wants to conquer the planet,

or eat our brains and do weird, evil spacey things to us.

Anything else would be far too complex and confusing

for an American audience.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

PENELOPE:So you're not expecting an existential exploration

of mankind's place in a vast and ancient universe?

Nope. Just explosions. Some punching.

Probably a lot of running down very similar hallways.

DR SMARTS: Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't you use my rocket? I'm double-parked anyway.

BOTH: Let's go!

Wow, it's all spacey.

COMPUTER:Hello, Dr. Smarten-Pantsen-Howzer.

Get behind me, Ms. Pitstop. There might be danger.

(GROANS) Thanks.

No, no, that's just my ship's automated thinking machine.

-Oh, it's safe, Ms. Pitstop. -I feel safe.

COMPUTER:I'm ready for blastoff.

To eternity and then go some more.

Prepare for lift-off.

(LAUGHING)

Get behind me, Ms. Pitstop.

Extra, extra.

The world on edge of destruction

as space hero takes forever to get plot moving.

-There you go, little fella. -Gee, thanks, Mister.

Huh?

(YELLING)

Observe. We are about to enter deep space.

COMPUTER:Entering Pluto's atmosphere in ten seconds.

(BEEPING)

COMPUTER:Crashing into Pluto before I finish this sentence.

-I'll hit the brakes. -Get behind me, Ms. Pitstop.

Activating brake.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Phew, that was close, doc.

Yeah. Good thing you was there, my boy.

I have...

-(GROWLING) -(SCREAMING)

It looks weird and spacey out there.

We'll need to change into space clothes.

Did you bring a needle and a space thread?

Really? (SCREAMING)

(SIGHS)

ALIEN: Quake with fear, puny Earth creatures,

for I am an alien.

Eat his brain instead of mine.

They're all juicy and filled with that thinky stuff.

ALIEN: Brains? Is that what humans eat?

Blegh. You are disgusting.

Good thing we're destroying your planet.

-Hey, he's just a little guy. -(GROANING)

Little guy?

I capture you in the name of Lord Ding.

-Uh-oh. -(ALIEN LAUGHS)

I love being a bad guy.

Little old you capturing big, hunky, muscled, chinny me?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, Tiny!

Oh, hi, there.

(GROANING)

(GLASS BREAKING)

You guys gonna come quietly?

-No trouble. -(ALL TALKING RAPIDLY)

Blegh.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(SNICKERING)

ALIEN: Hey, Lord Ding.

I got some dudes here from Earth. You want them?

Earth men, eh? Bring them to me.

I told you we should have gotten an elevator.

Uh, what is taking them so long?

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

(PANTING)

Hi, there.

Where is Peter Perfect, you scoundrel?

Is that him?

(GROANING)

(THUDS)

How's my hair?

What happened to him?

Oh, he was frozen

in a block of pure bicarbonate of soda ice.

Will he be okay?

Sure. Just a little gassy.

Oh, well, we're all used to that.

So, uh, Mr. Ding, is it?

Lord Ding the Dastardliness.

Oh, that's, uh, colorful.

So, we'd like you to stop shooting--

-Look out! -Not again.

Get behind me, Ms. Pitstop.

(SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

You get your stinking rays off our planet,

or I'll be forced to use fisticuffs, you space stinker.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah!

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah!

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah!

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah!

Hi. You're pretty cool.

I am. Thanks for noticing.

Nothing can stop my plan to conquer/destroy Earth.

Extra, extra.

Evil space guy determined to destroy Earth. Heroes helpless.

Why do you want to destroy--

Oh, who is this lovely Earth creature?

-Get behind me, Ms. Pitstop. -Oh, come on!

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

Was that, like, your sister?

Now, see here!

-Get behind me-- -Will you stop that?

(SNICKERING)

-Let me handle this, doll. -Uh-uh. Nope, nope. Uh-uh.

I am talking. See my lips moving?

Penelope talking now.

And you, you are not gonna destroy Earth, so just stop it.

-I will. -Oh. Well, that was easy.

If you agree to be my bride.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

This space cat won't lay a finger on you, Ms. Pitstop.

Guards.

Ah. Mmm... Are those lethal?

No, of course not. We're an advanced civilization.

Those are simply electro-rays.

Ha, those will have no effect on me.

I told Penny to make my space shorts out of rubber

for just such a situation.

-(ELECTRICITY BUZZING) -(YELLING)

These stupid space shorts do nothing!

(YELLING)

It's like my bones are on fire!

(EXCLAIMING IN AGONY)

I have literally never known pain like this!

Every atom of my being is being destroyed!

How can you hurt someone so pretty!

-Why on Earth-- -Pluto.

...Pluto would you wanna marry me?

We're never gonna have dinner.

How do you know we're compatible?

What if it didn't work out? I'd get half your stuff.

Yes, it does seem a little rash, doesn't it?

It just sounded like the kind of thing that space villains do.

How about we race for it?

I win, you don't destroy Earth.

Oh, it's a deal!

Foolish Earthling, I never lose!

'Cause I cheat.

-(LAUGHING MANIACALLY) -(SNICKERING)

(YELLING) Why are you still shooting me?

-(ELECTRICITY BUZZING) -(EXCLAIMING IN AGONY)

The endless nightmare continues!

I think my brain is melting!

Why won't you help me? (MOANS)

-Ready, Earthling? -Wait.

Why aren't you paying attention to me? (MOANS)

First one around the planet wins.

Go!

(YELLING)

Stop it! (SCREAMS) I hate cartoons!

Me too!

-(THUDS) -(PETER WAILS)

Guards! Activate the purple rays.

Once she has transmogrified into a copy of me,

I can't lose!

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

(WHOOSHES)

(LASER GUNSHOTS)

Oh, my bees and boysenberries!

ALIEN: Good evening.

I was wondering if we could distract you for just a moment.

We have incapacitated your purple ray.

Earth is saved!

(EXPLOSION)

(LAUGHING) Science! Science! Science!

(GRUMBLES)

(LAUGHS) We work with the good guys now.

(WHISTLES)

(SNICKERING)

Maybe we should change sides again.

Why have those fools stopped the ray?

If you want to space-cheat, you have to space-do-it your space-self.

What are you mooning at, you petulant planetoid?

Uh-oh.

You blithering blockhead! Look what you did!

Me? It was you, you ninny-hammered numbskull.

(WHOOSHES)

(GRUMBLING)

BOTH: I would've won, if it wasn't for you!

Well, I guess it's back to Earth.

Yeah, too bad. I was having fun.

You know, we could just zip around the galaxy a bit.

-See what's out there? -(GASPS)Wunderbar!

Oh, can we come, too?

This planet is kind of dead.

Sounds great. I'm in!

Space. Fun.

Great. What about you, Peter?

Oh, he's staying.

As the new Queen of Pluto,

I need a royal consort and dishwasher.

-Right, Peter, dear? -Yes, dear.

Whatever you say, dear.

Little lower with that next time, huh, dear?

It's completely cured my lumbago.

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

Ooh, space is so dark and dreary. I love it!

Extra, extra.

Penelope Pitstop's crew's off on a brand-new adventure.

What course, Captain?

Out there, the future is waiting for us.

And I have a feeling it's gonna be great.

(CRASHES)

(SNICKERING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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