Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

(FIREWORKS CRACKLING)

Hey, hey, hey, Wacky Race fans.

This is Big Brick Crashman.

Bringing you the Dog Gone in Oregon 5000.

As you can tell from the sounds

of explosion below me,

the race is already underway

BRICK:and under fire.

(DASTARDLY LAUGHING)

Give it up, Dicky, old buddy.

We are on to all your tricks.

Purple man. Big shame.

Face it, DD.

BELLA:You are becoming deadly dull.

What? Why you half-baked poltergeist!

I am--

ALL: Categorically compelled to completely conquer

your condescending contestants

with an exquisite caliber

of carefully calibrated sheets.

PENELOPE: We've heard it all before, darlin'.

Oh, have you? Then I shall unleash

the most malicious misdirection

of my vehicular vocation.

Uh, let me guess,

it's a Machiavellian missile

that will cause an apocalyptic avalanche.

Shows what you know,

it is in fact, a Machiavellian missile

that will cause an apocalyptic Anvil-lanche.

DASTARDLY:Hah!

(BRICK SCREAMING)

Anvil-lanche, I get it.

(SNICKERING)

DASTARDLY: Didn't see that coming, did you? Huh?

(DASTARDLY LAUGHING)

Ah! I win!

I win.

I did it, at last!

MUTTLEY:Yay.

Listen to that crowd cheer, Muttley. (LAUGHS)

I had better compose myself.

(HUMMING)

(GROANING)

(DASTARDLY SINGING INDISTINCTLY)

Hey, man, that dog guy in the hat, like,

won the race, man.

Wow, man. That's cool.

What-- What? (SCREAMING)

(CRASHING)

In an unexpected twist,

Muttley takes today's prize.

Well done, dog, dude.

-Wow. -Like,

really, you know?

You malevolent, malingering mongrel!

You have betrayed me.

After all I've done for you!

Revenge, revenge, revenge!

(THUNDERCLAP)

(SCREAMS)

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

Wha-- Who?

Huh? Muttley? Muttley? Muttley?

You got, like, totally cooked.

Did you bring back cosmic wisdom from the other side?

What is going on? Why are you all looking like that?

Like what, dude?

Muttley, I order you to become one being again.

Uh, maybe you should lay down.

Keep your paws off me, you impossible pooch.

I see it clearly now. You want to take my trophy.

You're all out to take away my trophy!

You're right, they're all obviously crazy.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

You won't get me. You won't get me!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Chillax, dude.

(CACKLING)

Oh, man, he made me spill my green tea.

(LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY)

It's a dog house.

A dog house!

(LAUGHING)

Uncool, bud.

I think we missed something.

-(DASTARDLY CACKLING) -(CATS MEOWING)

Odd weather for this time

-of the year. -BRICK: Hey, guys.

Brick, what's going on here?

Well, apparently Dastardly was struck by lightning,

has gone completely barking insane,

and has embarked on a senseless rampage of terror and destruction.

So, the usual.

Pretty much. Granola?

We better do something about Dastardly

before he commits any more atrocities.

ALL: Dude!

You can't fool me.

I know you're all Muttleys.

Perfidious pooches.

PENELOPE: Dastardly, Dastardly darlin'.

Why don't y'all try to just calm down?

Trying to fool me into thinking you are Pitstop

by wearing her clothes, eh?

But it won't work.

I'd know that hairy face, beady eyes

and sweaty dog breath anywhere!

Okay, that was hurtful.

Mr. Dastardly,

Shh! You are clearly hallucinating.

Miss Pitstop is not a dog,

even though humans do share over 85 percent of their DNA

with canines, tree sloths and filthy dirty rats.

Thanks for that. I feel much better now.

What do you mean, dirty?

Nice try, Muttleys.

But I can see right through you.

Or I will, once I've made a big enough hole!

(SCREAMING)

Purple man crazy!

We gotta subdue him for his own good.

Tiny, get.

(CACKLING) Take cat!

Purple man sleep now.

(SNORING)

At least we stopped him before any harm was done.

(ALL GROANING)

MAN: Oh, man, I'm totally triggered.

Um, sorry?

(SCREAMING)

Oh, why'd you stop?

I.Q., darling, is this helping?

No, did you want me to help him?

-Yes! -Oh.

According to this invasive brain probe,

Dastardly's brain has short circuited

and is locked on to the last thing that made him angry.

Which was Muttley.

-(MUTTLEY WHIMPERS) -So, how do we fix him?

Why do we fix him?

The only way to fix him

is a dark and danger filled journey

deep into the twisted mind

of Dick Dastardly.

(ALL GASPING)

Okay, I'm out.

Just step into my Mind Mixalation Modulator

and hold on to your myelencephalons.

I always do.

What do we do when we get there?

Get to Dastardly's central cerebellum

and reset his proto-synaptic network.

ALL: How do we do that?

I don't know, beats me.

There's probably, like, maybe a big red button or something. See ya!

(ALL SCREAM)

-PETER: What? -BELLA: Where are we?

PENELOPE: Everybody hang on!

ALL: Ahh!

(DASTARDLY LAUGHING EVILLY)

DASTARDLY:Nothing is ever my fault.

Everything is Muttley's fault.

What is that?

I think we're hearing Dastardly's thoughts.

Oh, so that's what thoughts sounds like. Cool.

Told him I ... by all the races...

Everyone says so.

I won the Electoral College Day.

Of course, I win all my races, Mummykins.

But I don't want a dog!

I'm more of a cat person. Does it come in gold?

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Eh! Tiny, hold me.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(BURPS)

(ALL GRUNTING)

Ugh! Why is the ground all sticky?

And why are the walls crying?

Because they are covered in Richard's melted hopes

and aspirations.

And we used discount contractor.

Who are you?

I am Dastardly's sanity. Call me Irving.

What are doing in Dicky's mind?

I am Dastardly's sanity.

Why are you so small?

Because I'm Dastardly's sanity.

How are you so slow on--

Oh, wait, you guys must be the Wacky Racers.

I've heard a lot about you.

Good things, I'm sure.

Uh, so I assume you've come

to unstick Richard's perception loop.

You're going to want to go through there.

-PETER: Ah! -BELLA: Whoa!

PENELOPE: What's in there?

A big red button

that will allow you to reset Richard's brain.

Hey, what a coincidence. We were just looking for one of those.

You're Peter Perfect, aren't you?

How do you know?

Lucky guess.

The problem is that in order to get through that door,

you must first get past Dastardly's guardians.

Oh, of course. So, what are those?

They are the parts of Richard's mind

that protects his worldview.

Ah!

(BLABBERING)

I'm so ugly. If only I was handsome

like Dicky!

Uncool, Dicky. Uncool.

(CHUCKLES) I like him. He's got a quality.

(THUDS)

(GROWLING)

Everyone loves Dastardly.

He's so cool,

I wish he was our brother.

Disturbing.

Milhouse, I'm going to get you for this.

-(LOUD THUD) -(BOTH SNICKERING)

-(THUD) -Huh?

Hi, ya'll.

I'll just bet that you're the nice, friendly part of Dastardly.

No!

I'm the horrible, jealous, hate-filled pitstop part

that always cheats so Dastardly can never win like he deserves to!

Now that is just too far. Take it.

(ROARING)

Oh, yeah.

Monsters bad.

(HEAVES)

Charge!

-(GROWLING) -I like cheese.

-(CRYING) -I know.

I really need to get a catchphrase.

(SLURPING)

(GRUNTS)

(SHOUTING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

PENELOPE: Let's go.

All: What?

(ALL GASPING)

Get back, all of you!

Dicky, we're here to help you.

Although I still have no idea why.

A likely story.

You are here to take away my trophy!

Just like you always do.

Dastardly, there's one person

you must know would never betray your trust.

Um, nope. Can't think of anyone.

What about Muttley?

Muttley?

-(MUTTLEY WHIMPERING) -(DASTARDLY GRUNTS)

(WHIMPERING)

Oh. (THUD)

(SNICKERING)

I knew it!

(CACKLING)

Do it, I.Q.

PENELOPE:Do it, I.Q.

(SCREAMING)

His mind is resetting.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, my!

What's a good-looking fellow like you

doing in a horrible little mind like this?

(PETER SCREAMING)

Did we do it?

Readings indicated definite change in Dastardly's delta waves.

(GROANS) What happened?

Dastardly, can you see us?

(DASTARDLY SCREAMING)

Everyone looks like Perfect.

It's too horrible. (CRYING)

My eyes! My eyes!

Gadzooks.

That means that Dastardly's and Peter's minds have cross circuited.

Peter?

I don't know what he's talking about.

You've all never looked better.

(SNICKERING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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