Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

(DASTARDLY LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(DASTARDLY LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

It sure is a lovely day for a drive, isn't it?

(TIRES SCREECH)

It's a perfect day, I'd say.

(TIRES SCREECH)

DASTARDLY: Marsupiums! Ahh!

(CHUCKLES)

(PENELOPE SCREAMING)

DASTARDLY: Prepare to be passed, Perfect.

You know the drill. (CHUCKLES)

Hmm. Uh-oh.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Why, Dick, you old chum.

You look perfectly smashing today.

(DASTARDLY GROANING)

(DASTARDLY YELPS)

DASTARDLY: Muttley, time to turn the tables.

(SNICKERING)

(WHIRRING)

(ALL YELLING)

DASTARDLY: No, no, no, no!

BELLA: Bernard, give us a lift.

Go, bone daddy.

DASTARDLY: Swing low, sweet chariots.

(BOTH WHIMPER)

(ALL YELLING)

DASTARDLY: Oh, no! Enough of this.

Muttley, unleash the ultimate weapon system.

(DASTARDLY LAUGHS EVILLY)

Pretty.

That cunning collection of concussive contractions is carefully calibrated

to track and eradicate any Wacky Race vehicle

compiled into this computer.

Ah, including mine. Drat.

PETER: That can't be good. DASTARDLY: Mommy!

Everyone, get as close to Car as you can.

Car, activate emergency shields.

I.Q., you saved us.

CAR: Oh, sure. He saved you.

We're alive? Well, then back to the race.

Come along, Muttley.

Dastardly, are you just gonna drive away after... (GRUNTS)

-Look around! -(SIZZLING)

Dastardly, sometimes you are just awful.

MAN: (ECHOING)We agree.

Where did that ominous voice come from?

-(DISTANT TRILLING) -And what's that noise?

(GASPING)

PENELOPE: Is that them?

The ones who started it all.

PETER: Bud and Jay.

-Who? -Oh, yeah. You're new.

Jay and Bud invented the Wacky Races.

Hey, Jay, we should get jobs.

Bummer.

Well, maybe we should produce a TV show or something.

What kind of show, man?

How about a show about racing, man?

But isn't racing, just making, like, left turns over and over?

Oh, yeah.

But we can, like, blow things up a lot.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

PENELOPE:After decades of running the Wacky Races,

they retired and disappeared.

No one's seen them since.

Wow, cool. But how do you know it's really them?

(PETER GASPS)

(YELPING AND SCREAMS)

Classic.

(CHUCKLES) It's them, all right.

Tell us, oh, great makers, why have you returned?

We have returned from the great beyond...

Vegas.

Vegas, because of him.

-Uh... -Me?

(WHISTLING)

Back in the day, we had style,

the gags were clever, they advanced the plot.

But Dastardly's random, pointless violence

is just over the top.

And so is his acting.

(EXCLAIMS) What?

(DRAMATICALLY) My acting? Over the top?

How dare you, sir?

Richard Milhous Dastardly,

you are hereby banned from these Wacky Races. Forever.

Oh, no! Oh!

(ALL GASPING)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) No, no, no, no. You can't do that.

-Can they do that? -I think they can.

-Dastardly is a terrible role model. -(CAT YOWLS)

There had to be standards.

Carefully practiced standards.

-Like what? -Okay.

-You see this frying pan? -Uh, yes?

Do you think it would be funny to hit Dastardly

over the head with this frying pan?

-(CHUCKLES) Of course. -You bet.

-Well, you can't. -(PAN CLANGS)

-(MAN SCREAMS) -Children might imitate that kind of dangerous behavior.

-Oh, good. -This is okay, though.

What? (SCREAMING)

BUD: And this. And this. And this.

And this. And this. And this.

And this. And this!

What about this?

Oh, that's okay too,

but you need to cover it with impact flashes.

What's an impact flash?

-(CLANGS) -(DASTARDLY SHRIEKS)

(SCREAMING)

Isn't there some way to keep Dastardly on the show?

I'm appealing to you.

Jay?

(GROANING) Ow!

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

You are technically allowed to plea for clemency

before a jury of your peers.

But be warned, that decision will be final.

-We agree. -I do?

-You do. -Then prepare yourself the journey

into the in-betweens!

Muttley, this is all your fault!

(SNICKERING)

We're not actually going in there to help him, are we?

Of course we are. Dastardly is our friend.

(PETER GASPS)

This is not going to end well. (EXCLAIMS)

(ALL SHOUTING)

-Where are we? -The in-betweens.

A place formed of the raw energy

that happens when creativity meets marketing.

Me and Bud spent a lot of time here in the old days.

Yeah, it used to be pretty busy.

Not many come around anymore.

PETER: The Hall of Endless Judgment?

I.Q.: Like the Internet?

Come. You are expected.

(AUDIENCE MURMURS)

Dick Dastardly, here you shall be judged by a jury of your peers.

Prosecuting attorney may now make his opening statement.

Thanks, everybody. It's great to be here.

What say we convict the defendant and go grab a quick bite, huh?

-He seems nice. -But who will defend Dastardly?

(WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

I'm doomed.

Mr. Prosecutor, make your case.

Sweetie, baby.

Oh, happily, Your Honor.

It is our opinion that Dick Dastardly

is a mean, rotten, vicious, unlikable character

whose behavior is completely unsuited for children's television.

(KIDS CRY)

(GROANS)

He is right, you know.

(SCOFFS) I'm told the Internet finds me funny.

Funny? Cartoons aren't supposed to be funny.

They're supposed to be inoffensive. (FARTS)

Formulaic.

And never ever satirical.

But it's not my fault. It's the script.

That's no excuse.

The writer is clearly completely insane.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

As soon as I finish this live-action spec script,

the studios will recognize my genius,

and I'll get a real agent and a serious deal,

and be respected and happy! Happy I tell you!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY) I'll be happy.

The prosecution calls Penelope Pitstop.

Miss Pitstop, what is the nicest thing you can say about Dick Dastardly?

Nice? About, er, Dastardly?

Oof, that's a tough one. Um...

Well, he's very... I mean... I mean, he is kind to...

Well, not kind exactly, it's more like horrible.

Does saying nothing count?

HOODED CLAW: Is he a liar?

Well... Ooh, yeah.

DASTARDLY: (GASPS) I object!

-HOODED CLAW: A cad? -Yep.

DASTARDLY: I object!

HOODED CLAW: A scoundrel?

TINY: Hmm. DASTARDLY: I object!

HOODED CLAW: A no-good dirty, two-timing,

stinking, rotten blight on the face of humanity already?

Yep. Oh, and he smells.

DASTARDLY: I absolutely object!

The prosecution rests.

What kind of feckless, fatuous, false friends are you futile failures?

I'd be better off with explosives.

One of you witless witnesses work out a way to save me!

Listen, everyone. I have a plan.

Tell me, Pitstop, what is your incredibly well-thought-out,

brilliant, smart, ingenious scheme that guarantees my freedom?

Run?

-(ALL GASP) -Run!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Runnin' around without a plan

♪ Making it up because we can

♪ Playing a song is easier than

♪ Writing

♪ This is the content that we've got

♪ Nobody said you'd learn a lot

♪ It could be worse At least we're not

♪ Fighting

♪ We're eating time

♪ Chewing up the minutes

♪ 'Cause we're out of new ideas

♪ We're eating time

♪ Playing in an animated world

♪ We're eating time

♪ And it's as delicious

♪ As a mountain of tortillas

♪ That's all that I could rhyme

♪ We're eating time ♪

Okay, well, that was a waste of time.

Those chase numbers never really advance the plot, do they?

It's almost like they're there just use up the time

'cause the writers can't think of anything funny for us to say.

Yep.

The court now calls for closing arguments.

The prosecution may do what he does.

Ladies, gentlemen,

bizarre anthropomorphic animals without pants,

the jury must deny this appalling appeal

and banish him from television

in perpetuity for the good of children everywhere.

(CHEERING)

(CHEERS)

He's really good, isn't he?

And now the defense. If you feel it's even worth it.

(WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

-(MURMURING) -Huh?

-Gee, I never saw it that way. -I wasn't really listening.

Ah, we, the jury, find Dick Dastardly

a revolting waste of human DNA,

who smells like wet-foot cheese.

But we grant his appeal.

Oh, you do?

-Curses. Foiled again. -(CRASHES)

(GASPING) Uncle Sneakly.

(ALL CHEERING)

All right. This trial has now ended.

Dick Dastardly may continue to be a part of the Wacky Races.

You may all go.

(ALL SCREAMING)

-Muttley, you did it! -(SNICKERING)

Dastardly can stay on the show. Isn't that great, boys?

-Yeah. Whoop-de-doo. -Yay.

Many thanks for your support, my dear, dear friends.

I've left you all tokens of my gratitude.

-(TIRES SCREECH) -Oh, Dastardly.

I told you this was going to end badly.

(DASTARDLY LAUGHS EVILLY)

Case closed!

(SNICKERING)

You know, let's not do a show about racing after all.

Yeah. That was a bad idea.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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