Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

BRICK: Hey, hey, hey, Wacky Race fans. This is Brick Crashman,

coming to you from deep in the heart of Africa to introduce our latest race,

which runs along the uncharted, mysterious, winding course

of the very, very creepy, and danger-filled Congo River.

(SCREAMING)

Fun fact, this very river that I'm now swimming in

has more man-eating predators

than any other river in the world.

There's anacondas, giant crocodiles, electric eels, piranha.

Oh, more piranha.

Guppies with bad attitudes, happy hungry hippos.

Oh, boy.

-(SCREAMING) -(GROWLING)

Why does this happen to me every week?

Ah, call my agent!

Oh, my epidermis!

And my teeth! No! (SCREAMS)

Hey, Brick, good seeing you.

Pandora, I'm just as happy as a pickled possum

that you're racing with us today.

You won't be after I win, Sister.

DASTARDLY:You may beat her,

but you'll never defeat the diabolically dashing Dick Dastardly.

Hmm. Oh, and this fulsomely follicled freeloader.

(MUMBLING AFFIRMATIVELY)

How long is this river anyway?

The Congo River is 4,700 meters long,

crosses the equator twice--

(GROANS) Enough already.

This is just the setup for a cartoon about crazed monkeys.

Why do you always have to bore us

with your egregious entertainment and erudition?

I.Q.: I think it's so the producers feel less guilty

about all the inappropriate violence.

-Like that. -Nonsense.

Violence is never inappropriate.

See?

-(GROANING) -(SNICKERS)

DASTARDLY: Out of my way, Pitstops!

(GROANING)

Muttley! (GROANING)

-(GROWLING) -(EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMING)

You still think the violence in this show is appropriate?

When it happens to you, yes.

Ow! Double drat.

Ha! He's right, violence is funny.

Anybody bring cards?

That was a trifle excessive, don't y'all think?

Oh, lighten up and learn to have a little fun.

I'm fun. Aren't I fun?

A bit too lively for my taste.

-Guys? -I bet you can't go one race

without being a party poopsicle.

Hey, you guys.

PENELOPE: That looks like fun.

(ALL SCREAMING)

DASTARDLY: Thank goodness that's over.

Uh, I don't think it's over yet.

PENELOPE:Oh, good. More fun.

-(CAMERA FLASHING) -(SCREAMING)

(GROANS) We're alive. How disappointing.

Surviving bad.

-Where are we? -Who cares?

How do we get out? (ECHOING)

I would surmise we are in the legendary King Solomon's Mine.

How could you possibly know that?

It's right here in the script.

You guys don't read the scripts, do you?

-ALL: No. -Legend has it,

that no one who has entered the mines has ever escaped...

Alive.

(CHUCKLES) It's true.

(GRUNTS) No one has ever escaped.

And who are you?

I'm a humble man

who came to these mines in search of my brother.

Or was it my father? Or maybe the restroom.

Uh, anyways, I've been here for ages.

And in that time, I've learned one important thing.

The location of the restroom?

No, but I wouldn't look behind that rock if I were you.

I've learned that to escape from this place,

you must find the seal of Solomon.

It is an ancient talisman with tremendous power.

Where do we find the seal thingy?

It is hidden at the center of the mines.

Deep in the mountain, concealed behind mazes,

puzzles and deadly traps. (LAUGHS)

-Only the very brave or the very foolish-- -Me first.

Then begin your quest by selecting one of three tunnels.

(LAUGHS)

And may fickle fate guide your fingers.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Whatever. Creepy guy alert.

I know. He's just to die for.

Let's go, this will be fun.

PENELOPE: Oh, yay, incredibly dangerous fun.

This way, Dicky.

Oh, he's a big fella.

(RETCHES) What a hideous, disgusting, ugly, awful--

(GROWLS)

Please, take them and spare me, evil monkey statue.

I'm the only real actor on this show.

(GONG SOUNDS)

I think Mr. Stoney Face is using that gong as a way to talk to us.

I'll try to communicate.

(GRUNTING)

He says there's a maze just ahead.

Do you see music, too?

Get on with it.

-(GONG SOUNDS) -Huh?

Well, what do you know? A map of the maze.

-(GROANS) -Have fun with your new friend, Perfect.

(GRUNTS)

PANDORA: Where are we now?

In the Hall of Many Dooms.

According to this script that you gave me,

this is home to a gigantic group of grumpy golden gorillas.

Wow, thanks.

It's like I waited my whole life for someone to tell me that.

You and Penelope are really sisters?

-(GROWLING) -Uh-oh.

BELLA: They do look grumpy.

Hmm.

PANDORA:That one looks like the leader.

-I'll go charm him. -(GORILLAS SCREECHING)

You stay here and try not to screw anything up while I'm gone, okay? Great.

She'll charm him?

Hi there, are you the boss monkey?

(SIGHS)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Does the monkey want a bana?

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

See me peal the yummy bana?

Yummy, yummy bana.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Give Pandora the silly widdle seal

and Pandora will give you this yummy bana.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

(GROWLS)

Ugh. Was it something I said?

Quick, hide!

Big trouble.

It's not my fault that monkey doesn't know charm when he sees it.

Don't worry, there's one thing no gorilla can resist.

A game of Monkey See, Monkey Do.

Hey, dudes.

Can you do this?

How about this?

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

You guys are good. How about this one?

Tiny.

(GRUNTS)

Let's get out of here.

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

(ROARING)

PENELOPE: So much fun!

I.Q.:It's the Seal of Solomon.

We can get out of here.

Actually, you can't.

But you said if we got the seal,

it would show us the way out.

Yes, I did, but I lied.

-That's made of chocolate. -(CHOMPS)

There is no way out.

Minions, assemble!

(LAUGHING)

But why?

I will explain.

Hey, guys, found the bathroom.

I'd give it 20 minutes or so. Carry on.

Then, as I was saying--

You know, I think I forgot something.

Ahem. Do you mind?

-Oh, sorry. Do continue. -Thank you.

The explanation as to why I tricked you all

into going into that dangerous labyrinth in the first place is...

I'm a total stinker.

-That's it? -Yup.

I'm King Solomon, and that's mine,

and that's mine, and that's mine, and you're mine,

and he's mine, and the monkeys are mine. And everything here is mine.

Oh,King Solomon's Mine's.

I get it.

You are the lamest villain we've ever had on the show.

-Well, except you. -Except me, of course. Hey.

Gorilla warriors, I order you to cut that man in half.

What? Why is it always me?

'Cause the viewers at home think it's funny.

Gosh, kiddies, you don't want to see your own Uncle Dicky

savaged by a pack of wild gorillas, do you?

-I kinda do. -We'll let the audience decide.

(GORILLAS SCREECHING)

(LAUGHING)

That's right, kids, it's up to you.

Should Dicky be horrible mauled by savage gorillas or not?

Call in now with your vote.

Operators are standing by.

-Exciting moment, isn't it? -Gosh, yes, Peter.

Oh, and we're getting the results in now. Le'ts watch the screen.

And the Don't Hurt Dicky totals three votes.

(SIGHS)

And the Hurt Dicky total... Four billion and nine votes.

What? There aren't even four billion children on the planet.

Ooh, I voted four billion times.

(GRUNTS)

You rotten kids, you! (EXCLAIMING)

I'm going to-- (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

(LAUGHS) I'm safe, I'm--

-Get them! -(ROARS)

Oh, no, he's gone banas.

It's a madhouse. A madhouse.

Enough with the monkey business.

(ROARS)

KING SOLOMON:Get them! Stop them, they're mine.

-(ROARS) -(SCREAMS)

Hey.

Back off, Bongo.

(ROARING)

-PENELOPE:Take that! -PANDORA: And that.

PENELOPE:And this!

That's enough, you darn smelly apes.

I still think I'm forgetting something.

(ALL SCREAMING)

That's not mine.

Get to the boats!

(GROANS)

You didn't jingle the handle, did you?

(ALL SCREAMING)

That actually was fun.

Yes, they certainly were great apes.

It's better to be ape than never.

Please, if those chimps were chumps,

then I'm a monkey's uncle.

You can say that again.

I'm going to get those racers

if it's the last thing I ever-- (GROANS)

Go fish.

(SNICKERING)

(MUTTERING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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