Original subtitles

(SNICKERING)

Ha!

Uh-oh! (SCREAMING)

Hmm...

(SCREAMS AND THUDS)

Hey, hey, hey, history lovers,

today onMysteries of History,

we're after the answer to one of history's greatest questions.

Were the Vikings the first explorers to discover America?

The Vikings were originally from Norway,

one of the coldest, bleakest, yuckiest places

on the northern edge of Europe.

But despite that, around the year 900 A.D.,

the magnificent Viking civilization was at its cultural peak.

(SCREAMS AND THUDS)

BRICK:Hey, are you guys Vikings?

Of course we're Vikings, strange voice from the future.

Can't you see our kinky Viking helmets?

(SCREAMS AND THUDS)

Pointy hat.

And our thick Viking beard.

And our trademark berserker rages--

And extremely poor personal hygiene.

(SNICKERING)

-And all the smiting, of course. -BRICK:What's "smiting"?

This. (THUDS)

(SCREAMS AND THUDS)

Smiting good.

(GROANS)

Blah.

We're all about the smite.

You name it, we've smited it.

The British, the Franks, more British,

our neighbors, our houses, some fish, a moose,

a lot of trees, some dirt...

Yeah, we've pretty much smited all there is to smiteth around here.

Hey, we forgot to smite the fire.

ALL: Odin!

(SCREAMS AND THUDS)

(SHIVERING)

-Now I'm cold. -(SIGHS)

Now what do we do?

THOR: (IN DEEP VOICE)Quake with fear, puny mortals!

-(THUNDER AND LIGHTNING) -(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I am Thor!

And I am sorry to hear that. What hurts, darling?

Nothing hurts me for I am Thor!

Well, honey, if you're sore,

something's gonna hurt somewhere.

You misunderstand, puny mortal.

I am the "Thor,"

god of thunder.

Ooh. Well, that's too bad.

If other gods got to be in charge of all the good stuff

I'd be sore too.

I don't suppose there are any other Vikings around here

-I could talk to? -Nope.

-(THUDS) -Just us.

Swell. Look,

I am here to give you a way to prove your bravery as deranged Vikings.

I offer you a race,

the winner of which shall enter Valhalla.

(ANGELIC MUSIC)

Well, I declare, that's real sweet of y'all,

-especially when you're not feeling well. -(YELPS)

Seriously, there's no other Vikings around here?

ALL: Nope.

(SIGHS) Well, then listen well, warriors of the northlands,

this race will be fraught with dangers.

THOR:You shall race to the new world, America,

far across the raging endless western sea.

(LIGHTNING AND GROWLING)

So we're going to need boats?

Yes, you'll need boats.

Look, just take these ships and go.

(LIGHTNING)

-Wow. -Not bad for a sick guy.

I suppose they'll do.

Now go, deranged warriors,

go forth and spread the Viking tradition of valor,

courage, and mindless violence across

all Midgard!

Will do, big fellow.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Forward to glory!

(GROANS) I thought they'd never leave.

BRICK: And so the early Vikings struck out across the dangerous Atlantic Ocean,

not knowing what perils awaited them.

Yes, excuse me, strange voice from the future,

but when you say "perils," could you be more specific?

Not really.

Very little reliable records of the Viking travels

survive to modern day.

I'm sure.

Time to use my secret weapon.

Huh?

Well, this is hard to row.

Hey!

(SLURPING)

Dastardly, you've broken the noble Viking traditions by cheating.

Do you know what this means?

ALL: Gratuitous violence!

(SCREAMS AND THUDS)

-Violence! -(THUDS)

(WHIRRING)

Viking counter-attack.

Huh?

Darn.

(SCREAMING)

DASTARDLY: Holy crumbs.

(SCREAMS AND THUDS)

-(YELLING) -(GROANS AND THUDS)

Argh, now feel my berserker rage.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(LOUD SPLASH)

(ALL SCREAMING)

-Yes, that's right! You'd better be afraid... -(GROWLING)

...when vexing this virile Viking.

DASTARDLY: Drat!

(GROWLS AND SPLASHES)

It's so scary in here. I love it.

-What's that? -(THUDS)

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, everybody.

Ahh! Creepy puppet!

Creepy puppet!

-Who are you, darling? -Puppet!

-(GROANING) -(CHUCKLES) I'm Public Domain Pinocchio.

Um, who?

The puppet who was brought to life by love,

and has nothing but optimism, and happiness,

and purity in his heart and-- Ax!

-Let's smite him. -Wait!

Maybe he knows a way out.

Sorry, I've tried everything.

Singing happy songs, dancing happy dances,

nothing works.

But the important thing is to stay happy.

-Now can I smite him? -(THUDS)

It works for me.

Hmm. I've got an idea.

We could start a fire

and the smoke will make the whale sneeze.

Excellent. If only we can find some wood to start a fire.

ALL: Hmm.

(PANTING)

(CHITTERING)

What?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHALE SNEEZES)

Bye, guys, and thanks.

I'm so happy I'm out of the whale.

I'm going to celebrate with a song.

♪ Oh, I'm so happy and full of joy... ♪

PINOCCHIO: Oh, come on!

DASTARDLY: Great, we're free.

Now what do we do?

ALL: Land!

(SHOUTING AND SPLASHING)

What a strange place.

Filled with even stranger creatures.

Lo, 'tis an unknown beast of great girth and bearing.

Oh, let's smite it.

(FEROCIOUS GROWL)

Drat.

-(SNARLING) -(ALL SCREAMING)

DASTARDLY: Penelope, I really must commend you

on your beard.

It's so thick and lush.

PENELOPE: I'm over here, Dastardly.

DASTARDLY: Really?

Then whose beard am I touching?

(LOUD GROWL)

DASTARDLY: Drat!

(ALL SCREAMING)

We are set upon by lions and bears.

What other test of our courage could mighty Thor ask of us?

Lo, good sir.

What manner of creature are thee?

I'm just a guy packing clothes into a suitcase.

-You mean you're... -A packer?

-(LOUD ROAR) -(ALL SCREAMING)

Well, hi there.

Welcome to Minnesota, nice to meet you.

"Minnesota," you say.

Is it always like this?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, gosh, golly, no.

This is summertime.

In the winter, it gets...

(IN DEEP VOICE) Real, real bleak.

More bleak than this?

-Pinch me. -(THUDS)

-(SCREAMS) -What do you do here for fun?

Oh, nothing really.

Sometimes we run back and forth carrying a rock.

-Looks like fun... -Does it? It's not.

If this is a game, I must win it.

Give that rock to me or I shall smite thee.

-Mm. -(THUDS)

-(CHUCKLING) -(THUDDING)

Oh, yeah, I'm over here now.

(LAUGHS) You didn't stop me.

(LAUGHS) Mocking Viking dance, in your faces.

(MUTTLEY GROANING)

Give Tiny rock.

No, it's my rock now and you can't have it.

How do we get the rock from Dastardly?

I have a plan. Come here.

(WHISPERING)

-Got it? -Yeah.

Got it. (CLAPS)

Nineteen. Twenty-six.

Forty-four. Odin!

(ALL SHOUTING) Charge!

Uh-oh.

-(SHRIEKS AND GROANS) -(ALL SCREAMING)

He's running to the other side with the rock!

-Get him! -(SCREAMING)

-(SNICKERING) -GIRL: Go team!

-(PANTING, GROANS) -(THUDDING)

(PANTING, GROANS)

-(ALL SCREAMING) -Yeah! (LAUGHS)

-(LAUGHING AND GROANING) -(BEARD SNAPPING)

(GRUNTING AND STRAING)

(THUDS AND GROANS)

Don't... No, no. Not again.

-(SCREAMS) -(ALL YELLING AND THUDDING)

Tickles.

Now I am Thor.

No, he's Thor.

My Viking warriors,

you have completed your task and made me proud. Sort of.

Therefore, you are all welcome to enter the halls of Valhalla.

Who's ready to go?

Bus leaves in five minutes.

We are staying here, if you don't mind.

-(GROWLING) -(SHRIEKS)

Yeah, game fun.

It's smitey.

Am I to understand that you Vikings choose to stay in dreary Minnesota,

playing this pointless violent game

with lions, bears, and packers,

rather than into the hallowed halls of Valhalla?

That about sums it up, thunder pants.

Hmm, mortals. Go figure.

And there you have it, history fans,

proof that not only did the Vikings discover America,

but they also invented football.

See you next time when we explore the mystery--

(SCREAMS AND THUDS)

(SNICKERING)

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