Original subtitles

(SNICKERING)

Greetings and felicitations to all loyal subjects of Great Britain.

As we celebrate our Queen's Golden Jubilee.

(HOOTING)

Her Majesty Queen Victoria will be marking her 50th anniversary on the throne

with a royal race.

Ah, tea time.

Fortunately, my airship is equipped

with the latest in modern tea-kettle technology...

(KETTLE WHISTLING)

...greatly simplifying the tea-making process.

(LOUD EXPLOSION)

Mmm. Oh, hail, Victoria,

I seem to have forgotten my lumps of sugar.

(SLURPING)

I say! Could I trouble Your Majesty for a few lumps?

Thank you.

(SLURPING)

Your Majesty, how are you feeling on this day of your Golden Jubilee?

Jubilant.

Ha! Ever the soul of wit, Your Majesty.

(CHUCKLES MOCKINGLY)

We don't tolerate that kind of mafficking here, mate.

Yeah, it's off to Australia with you, you wild animal.

It's a fair call.

And I do believe Her Majesty's sports approach

all done up proper in their jammiest togs.

Presenting the Lady Penelope Pitstop.

Greetings.

Naturalist and gentleman scholar,

Ignatius Quintleton Smith Jones.

Pip-pip.

The esteemed Doctor Frankenstein's

latest experiment in reanimation...

Animation, good.

The super goth darling of London society,

Viscount Gruesome Bella.

Bleh.

(WOMEN SCREAMING EXCITEDLY)

Lord Richard Dastardly,

Duke of Duplicity along Snickershire,

and his loyal hellhound, Muttley.

-(CROWD BOOING) -Peasants.

(MUTTLEY SNICKERS)

And a special visiting sporting lad from the colonies,

Mr. Peter Perfect.

-("YANKEE DOODLE" PLAYING) -Howdy.

CROWD: Hmph!

If the ladies and gentlemen would please board their conveyances,

Her Most Royal Majesty

is ready to commence the contest.

Your Majesty?

BRICK: Chocks away!

The race is on!

(MOTOR CHUGGING)

(SOFT RHYTHMIC GURGLING)

My sincerest regrets, sir.

Pardon me, dear lady.

Please accept this formal letter of apology

for my inexcusably offensive driving.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

-Care for a spot of tea? -Why? Thank you.

-Sugar? -Please.

One lump or two?

Oh, two, please.

I did not see that coming.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I say, old beans,

perhaps you'd like a bit of a warm up?

That's awful decent of you, my dear chap.

No, just awful, actually.

I say, Mr. Muttley,

would you be so kind as to please press the button?

(TOOTING)

(TIRE SCREECHES)

I say, soup's a bit thick today, what?

Fog, bad.

What beastly weather.

I do believe an evil chuckle is called for.

(CHUCKLES EVILLY)

Mmm... This tea could use a scad more lumps.

I say, Mr. Muttley,

I do believe this calls for The Claw.

(HORN TOOTS)

Drat!

(BLADES WHIRRING)

Mr. Muttley, let them have it.

My graciousness, terribly exciting, what!

Fun.

I say, my brother, do calm down.

You are making a spectacle of yourself.

Have some tea.

Thank you.

BELLA: Would you like one lump or two?

Thirty-five, please.

And so the Queen's Jubilee has run into a spot of bother.

But whatever the difficulty,

we can all take solace in the firm certainty

that the Empire endures.

(EXPLOSION)

♪ God save our gracious queen!

♪ Long live our noble queen!

♪ God save the queen!

(TIRES SCREECH)

♪ Send her victorious

♪ Happy and glorious

♪ Long to reign over us

♪ God save the queen! ♪

♪ America! America!

♪ God... ♪ (CLEARS THROAT)

What?

(EXPLOSION)

BRICK: It's going to be a tight finish.

And the winner is...

Peter Perfect!

(SHATTERS)

BRICK: And Peter Perfect approaches the Queen to receive

the coveted raised eyebrow.

(APPLAUSE)

Just listen to that crowd going wild

as the Queen gives her highest praise to Peter.

(KISSING)

Hmm?

(SPITS) Mr. Muttley?

ALL: Muttley!

Oh, what sort of chicanery is this?

Is there ever a good kind of chicanery?

(DASTARDLY LAUGHING)

Oh! Look.

PENELOPE: Dastardly's queennapping Victoria.

Oh, I say, bad show.

And the crowd is close to hysterics

at this unseemly turn of events.

Truly disgraceful.

(ALL SLURPING)

-(LOUD RUMBLING) -(ALL GASPING)

(ALL YELLING)

(WHIRRING)

(ALL GASPING)

DASTARDLY:As of this moment,

I am declaring myself King

as well as victor of all future races

throughout the British Empire

and the entire universe.

And even the colonies.

Not that anyone cares.

-Hey! -Sir!

England shall never surrender to such infamy.

Oh! Let's ask what the Queen thinks.

Vicky, do you appoint me king of the British Empire

and in the other countries you have lying around?

Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.

The Queen says, "Yes."

Mr. Muttley, let's pick up some fish and chips

before we go and taunt France.

(SNICKERS)

DASTARDLY:The day is mine! (LAUGHING)

Well, he's quite the blackguard, isn't he?

Actually, I think he's from Croton-on-Hudson.

I believe it is our duty as English men to stop him.

How?

I.Q.: I have a way to stop Dastardly.

Observe my latest creation.

I call it the Gilded Glider.

It slices, it dices,

and it does one other thing that I can't remember.

It flies?

Maybe. Worth a try, I suppose.

For England!

For the Queen!

I'm just visiting!

(MOTOR SPUTTERING)

-Lemon? -Please.

DASTARDLY: Oh, drat, there come those pesky racers.

Uh, do pardon me, Your Majesty.

Micks, get your rusty cans in here.

Get those gliding goons!

(WHIRRING)

PENELOPE: Here they come.

Gird yourselves for battle, chaps.

(WHIRRING)

Yee-haw! Little doggies!

I say!

You colonials do have a kind of rough

unsophisticated charm, don't you?

We make things go boom!

Never mind.

This is not the end.

Nor is it the beginning of the end.

This is only the end of the beginning.

-(EXPLOSION) -(ALL SCREAMING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

DASTARDLY: I have done it!

England is mine. (LAUGHING)

Let's celebrate with tea, shall we?

Shall I pour?

Thank you.

-Milk? -Please.

One lump or two?

Twenty-seven.

(SCREAMING) Ow! Ow! Ow...

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

Would you like some more?

None for me.

I'm switching to coffee.

We have not yet begun to flight.

-(TICKING) -(SLURPING)

Razzle, frazzle, mmm, razzle, frazzle, razzle.

(EXPLOSION)

(DISHES CLATTERING)

(BARKING)

Elementary!

Drat! (SLURPS)

The Queen is in trouble.

We'll never make it.

She's doomed.

Queen goes splat!

Relax, Your Majesty, I've got you.

You do, indeed.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(SLURPING)

We will party in the streets.

We will party in the hills.

We will never stop partying.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SLURPING)

And now, it's my privilege to introduce

the new royal couple.

Queen Victoria and King Bella!

What can I say? Vampires are cool.

In celebration of the royal nuptials,

I am issuing a royal pardon

to Dick Dastardly

provided he clean everything in the palace

that appears on the brief list we have given him.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

You're quite welcome.

And now, would you care for tea?

"Clean the royal chamber pot"?

Get... What even is that?

Hmm? Did you say "tea"?

Yes. How many lumps would you like?

Shall we say 100?

Um, yes, yes, thank you...

DASTARDLY: (LOUDLY) Ow! Ow...

Oh, I say... Ow...

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