Original subtitles

We interrupt this program to bring you a show far more appropriate for children.

♪ It's time for Uncle Dicky Dicky, Uncle Dicky

♪ It's time for tricksies And some lessons for the day

♪ It's time for dancy doggiesHoppy froggies, slimy boggies

♪ If there's time for all the kiddies to come out and play

♪ It's time for happy nappies Nicely chappies, Purple frappies

♪ It is time for Uncle Dicky Don't you go away ♪

Hey there, boys and girls.

Do you know what time it is?

(SNORING)

Um... 3:31?

Can we go now?

These seats are sticky.

That's right.

It's time for the Uncle Dicky's Happy Sunshine Children's Club.

So, here he is. Your bestest pal and mine.

The one, the only, the slightly moldy, Uncle Dicky!

Dastardly. It's your line.

Say something.

I hate you all.

Now there, Uncle Dicky.

Look at all the nice friends who have come to see our new show.

Why don't you say hi to them?

Because I hate them.

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Now, now, Uncle Dicky.

Remember what the network said?

That I'm the worst role model

and the least likable character

in the history of animation.

And if I don't participate in appropriate entertainment for children,

to improve my image,

they will never let me race on television again.

Yes, and we're all here to help you.

The network is making us.

I don't care.

I have my dignity.

Who threw that tomato?

Tomato.

You all look guilty.

Muttley, seal the exits.

and release the flesh-eating kittens.

No! No, flesh-eating kittens. Where would you...

-Flesh eating pandas? -No.

-Or flesh eating... -No!

No flesh eating anything.

Dastardly, just read the cue card so we can

get through this and back to racing.

Ugh.

Howdy, hey there, happy boys and girls.

Are all my little members of the Uncle Dicky Happy Sunshine Club

having a hap-hap-happy sunshine day?

Who writes this drivel?

(MONKEYS CHATTERING)

I get residuals.

Ugh. And now, let's all say a big sunshine happy hello

to my bestest buddy, Snickerdoodle.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

BOY: You stink.

(SNARLING)

Keep going. You're doing great.

Now it's time for a super fun Sunshine Club game called...

(DASTARDLY READING)

Oh, swell.

Where's the pinata? Whoa!

Of course, I'm the pinata.

Where's the party?

(DASTARDLY GROANING)

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Where did the candy come from?

Don't think about it.

And now we go to Peter Perfect's perfect grooming tips.

Are those my teeth over there?

Now remember, boys and girls,

the key to success and happiness

is looking great.

And hard work and being a good person.

(CHUCKLES) Crazy talk.

Step one of the Peter Perfect's perfect grooming method,

always keep your perfectly coiffed hair

covered by an even perfecter shiny helmet, like so.

(CLEARS THROAT)

See? You look better already.

This helmet smells funny.

Step two. Never go anywhere without

a Peter Perfect trademark dimple

available wherever fine chins are sold.

(SQUEALING)

(GROANING)

Step three. Develop a perfectly muscled upper body.

(GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMING)

There you go, kiddo. I'll spot you.

Don't you feel better?

BOY: I can't feel anything.

Remember kids, beauty is only skin deep.

Because of gross stuff like veins and mucus.

That doesn't make any sense.

And now it's time for a moment of unscripted hilarity.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh, what a surprise.

Someone's knocking on this door

that wasn't here a moment ago.

(SPLASH)

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

American humor. How droll.

Well, this isn't frozen gooseberry pie, is it?

because I'm allergic.

(SNICKERING)

I hate everything and everyone.

(GROANING)

(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY) And now, it's time for Bella and poetry

for odd and disturbing children.

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)

BRICK: Bella, you're on.

(PANTING)

Good evening, kiddies.

Uncle Bella has a bedtime story for you all.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

"Once upon a midnight dreary,

"while I pondered weak and weary,

"over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

"While I nodded, nearly napping,

"suddenly there came a tapping,

"as of some one gently rapping.

(EXCLAIMING)

Rapping at my chamber door,

Hold him steady!

(ALL GROANING)

He's too heavy.

"'Tis some visitor,' I muttered,

"Tapping at my... Whoa.

"Nevermore."

Now, a word from our sponsors.

(SCREAMS)

Hi, I'm Peter Perfect.

Racer, chin model, and vacuous internet celebrity.

When I'm not spending time on a secret island only rich people know about,

I like to walk around looking so good I make ugly people cry.

That's why I wear

Wacky Fashion's new meat flavored formal wear.

Perfect for any occasion.

Wacky Wear is the clothing made exclusively of grade A pig snouts,

yak ear lobes, puppy tongues and aardvark faces.

Wacky Wear, 100% pure meat suits.

Preferred by dingoes everywhere.

Wait. Dingoes?

Aah, no!

A dingo ate a celebrity!

(STATIC)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yes, it's the door bit again.

Television is a vast wasteland.

Ha! Missed me, you sophomoric stagehand.

(SNICKERING)

(GROWLING)

(MEOWING)

And now, it's time for mad, mad science

with some dolty science-y guy

and a weird car that talks.

(KIDS SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS)

I.Q. here to demonstrate the power of electricity.

ROBOTIC VOICE:Run for your lives.

He's got that look in his eyes again.

Presenting the Zappificator 7000.

With this lever, I will now unleash

the matchless power of breathless creation!

He's mixing metaphors.

I really would beat feet, kids.

(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)

(SNORING)

Aw, it worked in rehearsal.

Can Tiny get off table now?

Your thingamabob is unplugged.

Oh, silly me. I got it.

(EXCLAIMING)

My biscuits are burning!

(LAUGHING) Tickles.

Oh, my!

(POWERING UP)

(GROANING AND COUGHING)

Ah, well, at least no harm done, right, Car?

Tiny feel shiny.

Well boss, this is another fine mess you've gotten me into.

Huh? I switched your brains.

Ah-ha! I switched your brains.

(SHOUTS WITH JOY)

Science!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

That's it. I've had enough of this perilous portal.

(LAUGHING) Science! Science!

(EXCLAIMS) Huh?

Well, what do you know?

Guess I scared him away.

(THUMP)

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

You unkempt urchins think that was funny?

Well, you're all just teeming...

(ENGINES REVVING UP)

BRICK: Psst, Penelope, you are on.

(PENELOPE EXCLAIMING)

Oh, um, okay.

Hi, y'all. I'm Auntie Penny.

Oh, oh, my. Aren't you just a little sweety?

Um, Uncle Dicky is taking a nap right now.

Let me at those repulsive, reprobate rugrats.

Um, so I get to welcome you to the Kiddy Car Kit and Caboodle.

A fun-filled safety conscious driver right in the studio.

I don't think I wanna.

Have fun, kids.

On your mark, get set...

(KIDS SCREAMING)

(KIDS SCREAMING)

Look at those little racers go.

Ah, listen to those screams of joy.

(ROBOTIC VOICE)That looks like fun.

I can beat these kids any day of the week!

Watch this.

(KID SCREAMING)

Dirty pool, Dastardly.

I'm seizing this car in the name of good sportsmanship.

I'm alive.

(GROANING)

(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(GROANING)

DASTARDLY: Drat!

Uh-oh.

(CLOCK DINGS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Science bad.

(I.Q. YELLING)

(GROWLING)

(KIDS SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

Look at me!

I'm breaking the fourth wall.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Great news, kids.

The Uncle Dicky Show is a huge hit.

Now, you get to come back and watch a show every day.

(ALL GRUNT)

BRICK: Ow, ow, ow!

(LAUGHING)

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