Original subtitles

(SNICKERING)

Well, hey there, y'all.

This is Down Home Brick Crashman in the beautiful bluegrass hills of Kentucky.

Where the racers are receiving a fine toast of Southern hospitality.

(GULPING)

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Well said, Paw.

So, let's check out the pre-race action.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

-(MACHINE WHIRRING) -(CLANGING)

(ALL YAWNING)

(CLANGING)

(MUMBLING)

Dicky, old buddy, do you think you might be ready soon?

I'll be ready, old buddy,

when I'm ready to be ready

and not a moment sooner.

Why get so worked up about a race you're just going to lose anyway.

What? Me lose a race?

Do you know who you're talking to?

-MAN: Yes. -(GROANS)

A pitifully pompous, preening purple popinjay,

with a particularly poor propensity

to pronounce poly syllables

and a pathetic predilection to produce prolonged, pointless pandemonium.

Yes, that is a fairly accurate...

What? How dare you say it.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHS) Oh, it's you, uh...

Um, hello, Pop-Pop.

Dastardly, stand up straight you disappointing descendant.

-Oh, hello, grandfather. -Don't touch me.

It's simply sensationalagacious to see your sartorial...

(SNORING)

Dastardly, is this your grandfather?

Yes, he used to race himself back in the day.

And spent time in the aerial reconnaissance service,

was shipped home after some trouble

with a carrier pigeon I believe.

(GRUNTS) Uh, pigeons, pigeons!

Pop, sir...

There you are pigeon. Oh, sorry.

You're just a talking flamingo. That's fine.

A-a flamingo? Humph!

Pop-Pop, what are you doing here exactly?

I am here, grandson, to bring you back home

because you are such a complete,

total, utterly, sad, embarrassing failure

in every way possible. Stand up straight.

Grandson, have you ever won a race?

-I nearly... -Ever?

-There have been extenuating... -One?

-But... -Pack your stuff.

You are staying in the basement next to your grandmothers haunted doll collection.

Not the dolls!

They move when you're not looking.

(WHIMPERING)

But what if Dastardly won today's race?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, she's serious.

Pop-Pop, if Dastardly did win today

-would you let him stay? -Hmm...

Well, it goes against my better judgment,

but okay, deal.

Penny, what was the point of that?

Dicky never wins these races.

It's so predictable, I'm amazed anyone watches.

It's basic cable, no one does.

He'll win today because we are going to let him.

-We are? -Yes!

Because if we don't Dastardly will have to stop racing with us.

And that's bad how exactly?

Bella, we might never see him again.

Still not really see a downside here.

He's our friend and it is the nice thing to do.

So, we're gonna do it.

(ENGINE CRANKING)

(SCREAMS) Pigeon, pigeon!

(MUTTERING)

Ah, run, run for you lives.

That's Muttley, my dog.

Don't be ridiculous.

Dogs don't wear helmets.

Pigeons wear helmets.

And have huge laser wings,

with photon beaks and eyes that burn into your soul.

(CROWS CAWING)

-(GROWLING) -(WHIMPERING)

He's really got a thing about pigeons.

Racers, start your engines.

-(ENGINES CRANKING) -(EXPLOSION)

ALL: Oh!

(SCREECHING)

-(LAUGHING SHEEPISHLY) -(SIGHS)

(CRASHING)

(MUMBLING)

Language, Paw.

I have another engine, won't be a tick.

-(GROANING) -Oh, goodness.

I seem to be having engine trouble.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Ahem!

Then I guess I'm also having trouble with my engine as well.

(CLANGING)

(CLANGING CONTINUES)

CAR:Ow-ow, what are you doing?

It's the nice thing to do.

CAR:You've gone insane.

Someone call the DMV.

Ready. Get set. Go!

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

(GROANS)

You have got to be kidding me.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(BELL DINGING)

I didn't even know my car went this slow.

I have the parking brake on.

Remember, we're doing this for Dastardly.

Ooh-wompt-te-do.

I can see why you don't wanna give this up.

Really thrilling.

If we drove this slow back in my day

you'll be speaking pigeon now.

You do get that you're in the lead, right?

If you just kept going.

Grandfather, please. Leave the racing to me.

But you're in the lead. Why stop to cheat?

Here they come. Hide!

Oh, look. A detour sign.

That gag is older than Tiny's socks.

Sigh, oh, look. An unexpected detour sign

on a well established course of a professional racing event.

Be nice.

Gosh, I guess we better all follow it.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(WHIRRING)

Ha-ha. They fell for it.

Now, my victory is mine.

Drat.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

-We don't have too. -It's the nice thing to do.

-(SCREECHING) -(ALL SCREAMING)

CAR:What is wrong with you people.

(CRASHING)

Richard, just get in the stinking car and drive.

I can see the finish line from here.

Behold, Fodder,

in my hand I hold a remarkable device

I have gained through methods too insidious to relate to now

that will assure me victory!

I'll probably regret this question, but what does it do?

-It makes holes. -(THUDS)

-(WHIRRING) -What good is that?

I shall make a hole in front of the other racers

and they shall fall in

allowing me to win the race.

Look, we could just walk to the finish line.

You never understood me.

Drat! (GROANS)

Drat! (GROANS)

Drat! (GROANS)

Drat! (GROANS)

Drat! (GROANS)

Drat!

Do we gotta?

(SIGHS)

It's the nice thing to do.

(ALL SCREAM)

What is wrong with those people?

I know, right?

(SNICKERING)

(CONTINUE SCREAMING)

What are you doing here?

-Oof! -We fell... (GRUNTS)

...into your clever... Ohh! Trap.

(ALL CONTINUE SCREAMING)

Well, at least there's no where left to fall.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL GRUNT)

ALL: Ooh!

(GROANS)

Pigeons!

Ha-ha, there's the finish line.

So it is.

And therefore, the perfect time for me to take a shortcut

through this handy haunted goldmine.

Perfect time?

Just finish the race, for pigeon's sake!

-Trust me. -(TIRES SCFREECHING)

Maybe it's just not possible to let him win.

I'm starting to agree with you.

(ENGINES REVVING)

BELLA: Well, at least it's dark and terrifying.

I can barely see anything.

Scanners reveal a heat source in the lowest chamber of the mine.

PENELOPE: That must be Dastardly.

What's that?

Uh, this is not good.

(LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY)

Dastardly, what are you doing?

Winning, that's what.

I know you've been trying to let me win,

so I knew you'd follow me down this horrifying hole

where I would trigger my terrific trap.

I will now collapse the tunnel you came in

and by the time you dig out,

I will have won the race!

You used our kindness and goodwill against us?

I did.

Dastardly, that is the most dastardly thing I have ever heard of.

Why, thank you.

Muttley, launch the missile!

(BAT SQUEAKING)

Aah! Pigeons. Pigeons!

(FIRES)

(CRASHES)

Drat. Pop-Pop, how could you?

(SNORING)

♪ Stop the pigeon ♪

DASTARDLY: Double drat!

Muttley, this is all your fault!

-(TIRES SCREECH) -(MUTTLEY MUTTERING)

PENELOPE: We're trapped!

PETER: Dicky, you've really done it this time.

BELLA: We'll never get out of here.

I.Q.: The avalanche is gaining on us!

(ALL SCREAM)

Look, daylight!

Usually blah, but in this case, yippee!

(all scream)

And the ... Bella and Tiny Gruesome

wins the Kentucky Car Crash-'Em-Up!

How you feel, boys?

Tiny sad.

(BRICK EXCLAIMS)

Mr. Dastardly, you're not really leaving us, are you?

Yes, I'm afraid my grandfather is going to insist.

But, Dicky, you're part of the team.

It wouldn't beWacky Races without you, old buddy.

(CRYING)

Purple man, no go.

I don't feel my flanges.

How's it flying, youngsters?

(CRYING) We were just saying goodbye.

(BOTH SOBBING)

Why, you are going somewhere?

We thought Dicky was leaving with you.

Oh, that whole thing. No.

Really? But what changed your mind?

Richard, when I saw the love and affection

your friends had for you,

and that you were willing

to use and betray that love for your own selfish ends,

without even a second thought,

well, I have never been more proud.

That's when I knew you were a winner

and you should keep racing.

Thanks, Pop-Pop.

I learned it all from you.

Don't touch me.

Because you were always terrible to me.

Aw, you're a rotten grandson.

I know.

It's just so hard to feel good about their relationship.

Blah.

See you later, kiddo.

-Keep your eye out for pigeons. -(ENGINE STARTS)

Hey, did he...

Yes, he just stole my car.

-(BLOWS NOSE) -(SNICKERING)

(LAUGHING MANICALLY)

(EXCLAIMING)

Aah! The pigeons! Pigeons!

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