Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

Hey, hey, hey, there, Wacky Race fans.

This is Big Brick Crashman,

in the fabulous, absolutely real,

probably European country of Ditzmoratopia,

for the first invitational Ditzmoratopia Derby.

We are here in this wonderful custom-built track

at the personal invitation of billionaire sports enthusiast,

and royal recluse, the Dowager Duchess,

Delussionatta Dementia.

Hurray for all the racers equally.

Isn't that right, Mr. Dingles?

And this is my artificial butler, security chief,

and accomplice, I mean assistant, Bob.

Say hello, Bob.

Surrender, humans.

Enjoy the harmless sports entertainment, humans.

Muttley, fire the heat-seeking missile!

(SNICKERING)

(CROWD CLAMORING)

WOMAN: Look out!

Oh, how sweet. Yes, I love you all, too.

(SMOOCHES)

Muttley! (SCREAMS)

-DASTARDLY: This is all your fault! -(MUTTLEY GRUMBLING)

BRICK: And Peter Perfect takes the lead.

Well, Mr. Dingles, what do you think?

Time to spring our fiendish trap?

-Bob... -Yes, mistress?

Fetch!

Sorry, no autographs while driving.

It's a Standards and Practices thing.

I am here to invite you to a victory party in your honor.

Really, a party for me?

Sounds fun but I'm a professional sportsman and spokesmodel

with far too many responsibilities just to pick up and go--

There will be cake.

I'm so there.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh, my stars and garters!

DASTARDLY: Watch where you're going, you hyperthyroid halfwit.

PENELOPE: Look out!

(I.Q. YELLING)

DASTARDLY: I can't see a thing.

(COUGHS)

Where is everybody?

Oh, Peter, there you are!

I'm so glad you're all right. Peter?

Peter is a cardboard cutout.

I know. He's so shallow.

No, I mean he's fake.

A decoy. See?

Everything is. Look!

Wait, what? That's impossible.

He was talking.

I think that crazy Duchess lady might have had her evil robot butler steal him.

ALL: What?

And Davy Bones found this.

I.Q.: Peter's been kidnapped!

BELLA: We have to un-kidnap him.

No, we don't.

But Dastardly, Peter may be in real trouble.

He may be being tortured, humiliated.

Ooh, I would like to see that.

PETER: No, no more, please!

I can't take any more. No more, really.

-I couldn't eat another bite. -Are you sure, sir?

It's wafer-thin.

No, thank you.

Well, Duchess, this really is a very nice castle you have here.

Oh, do you think so, Peter?

It's really too big for just the two of us to rattle around in.

It can get so lonely.

-More milk? -Thank you.

(EXCLAIMS) Mmm.

Cow-flavored. So, it's just you and Bob here, then?

Bob? Oh, no.

Bob is just a robot.

A simple artificial device.

A worthless bucket of bolts.

I'm standing right here.

He could never provide me with the real human companionship

a person needs to keep from going totally barking bat glitter crazy.

Oh, I thought you said two.

I did. Mr. Dingles keeps me company, don't you, Mr. Dingles?

Yes, I do.

You could say, we're inseparable.

Oh, Mr. Dingles, how very witty.

Run for your life, she's completely insane.

-What? -Nothing.

I really should go.

You mean you're not enjoying my company?

But I'm your biggest, best-est fan ever!

See?

Don't make her angry.

He didn't mean it, duchy dear.

I really, really must be going.

But you can't. Not before the party.

Everyone will be there.

Bob will personally make sure your friends attend the party tonight.

I mean, what kind of a ridiculous,

weird, uncomfortable, super creepy night

would it be if only you and I showed up

for the most perfect, beautiful, dreamy wedding, I mean...

Party ever.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Yeah, creepy.

Bob, go. Take care of Peter's friends.

Yes, I'll take good care of them.

(ALL LAUGH)

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Help.

Whoa! A real moat.

You don't see many of these anymore.

How do we get in?

There's an intercom.

Hello?

May I help you?

Uh, yes, we were wondering if Peter Perfect is in there.

Peter is our prisoner.

Go away!

We have to get in there to save Peter.

Maybe we could swim across.

(EXCLAIMS)

(BLUEBEARD GRUNTING)

Oh, my!

This must be one of those new Motomatic 3,000s

I've seen in Psychopathic Recluse of the Month magazine.

They come fully stocked with piranha, sharks, killer whales,

seals, Navy SEALs, Army seals, electric eels, tigers in scuba gear and...

Oh, no!

What? What is it?

The worst.

Most terrible thing imaginable.

It's... (SOBS) An improv comedy crew!

Hey, how's everybody doing today?

I said, how's everybody doing?

Oh, great.

For our first game, we just need someone to suggest a job,

a Midwestern water district and an incurable disease!

Just call 'em out.

Oh, my stars and garters!

I'm so afraid.

BELLA: Why are they so perky?

CAPTAIN DASH: (EXCLAIMS) There be no structure to their act at all.

DASTARDLY: Go away! PENELOPE: Get out! Go away! Go away!

Leave us alone!

It's just lazy comedy.

Hire a writer!

(EXCLAIMS)

How will we get past that moat?

Leave it to us, matey.

We be men of action.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(GROANING)

(PIRATES EXCLAIMING)

(PIRATES YELLING)

Too short.

(SNICKERING)

(INTERCOM BEEPS)

Yes, what is it?

(SPEAKS IN ITALIAN ACCENT)Buongiorno, y'all.

-(SIGHS) -We are the caterers.

We got food for the wedding.

Caterers?

But I stayed up all night

making 400 finger sandwiches.

And it was my birthday.

I guess you better come in.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Just one pizza?

(SPEAKS IN ITALIAN ACCENT) It's got everything on it.

Let me see it.

(SQUAWKS) She did say it came with everything.

(SNICKERING)

(SPEAKS IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Let's go find Peter.

DASTARDLY: Will you stop talking like that?

Do you, Duchess, take this super-tight, hunky block of man meat

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Oh, I don't know. This is so sudden.

I don't know what to do. Yes! Yes! Yes!

And do you, the luckiest guy on Earth,

take her supreme and totally sane royal-ness to be your snuggly-wuggly sweetikins,

forever and ever and ever?

Uh, well, um...

That is a very complicated question involving questions.

Peter, are you trying to embarrass me

in front of all our guests?

No, no, no. No, of course not.

Actually, I was just stalling until my friends get here.

What makes you think your friends are even coming for you?

Because Peter's family, and we take care of family.

Um, do I know you?

(SIGHS)

Penny, I knew you'd come.

-Perfect. -Um, hi, guys.

This isn't what it looks like.

It looks like you've been kidnapped by a crazed fan

and are being forced to allow her hand puppet to marry you.

Oh, then this is exactly what it looks like.

-Am I glad to see you guys. -Not so fast.

Peter is not leaving this castle.

And neither are any of you!

Bob, come.

-(WHEELS CREAKING)-I quit.

I think it's safe to say, Duchess...

-The wedding's off. -Cool.

You may have defeated my man-droid,

but I still have Mr. Dingles.

I have no idea what to say about that.

En garde!

(EXCLAIMS)

Ha-ha!

So, you went with the empire line waist?

I like the flow.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(GRUNTING)

Ha-ha! Is that all you got, pinky?

-(MR. DINGLES GRUNTS) -(SIGHS)

-(MR. DINGLES GRUNTS) -Huh?

(LAUGHS)

(YELLS AND GRUNTS)

Give it up, Dingles!

Never!

All right, you know, this is just too weird.

Brick?

Hey, hey, race fans,

this is Big Brick Crashman saving the day

with smoke bombs!

(COUGHING)

They're getting away. Close the drawbridge!

(ALL CLAMORING)

Peter, I can't tell you how good it is to have you back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's great to be back. (SNIFFING)

Dastardly's car smells like feet and hot cheese.

If you don't like it, Perfect, you can get out and walk!

Right, Mr. Dingles?

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Okay, thanks, everybody.

And please check out our website.

And remember, we teach classes alternate Thursday nights

behind the slop chute at the meat processing plant.

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